Sextuplets (2019)

1
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,083
<i>♪ Hey ♪</i>

2
00:00:12,333 --> 00:00:14,083
<i>- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪</i>

3
00:00:14,166 --> 00:00:16,875
<i>♪ I say, hey, I'll be gone today ♪</i>

4
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,458
<i>♪ But I'll be back all around the way ♪</i>

5
00:00:19,666 --> 00:00:22,041
<i>♪ It seems like everywhere I go ♪</i>

6
00:00:22,208 --> 00:00:24,500
<i>♪ The more I see, the less I know ♪</i>

7
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:25,958
<i>- ♪ But I know ♪
- ♪ I know ♪</i>

8
00:00:26,041 --> 00:00:28,666
You know, this Lamaze class
got me concerned.

9
00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,767
Is there really a chance that you're gonna
stop breathin' while givin' birth?

10
00:00:31,791 --> 00:00:33,351
- What?
- Like everything is going great,

11
00:00:33,375 --> 00:00:36,000
and I'm like, "One, two, three,"
and your face turns blue,

12
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:39,166
and you stop breathing,
I'm like, "Breathe! Breathe!"

13
00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:41,625
Alan, it's about us being ready.

14
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,458
It's about us doing this together.

15
00:00:43,541 --> 00:00:47,041
Well, you know, girl, doing this together
is what got us here in the first place.

16
00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:49,541
Except your breathing was more like,
"Oh, Alan!

17
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:50,684
- Oh, it's amazing!"
- Alan.

18
00:00:50,708 --> 00:00:52,083
- "Oh, Alan, it's so big!"
- Alan!

19
00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:54,625
- "It's so big!"
- Stop it! You're being ridiculous!

20
00:00:55,791 --> 00:00:59,250
Oh, I gotta get back to work.
It's the last day before maternity leave.

21
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,791
- I'm gonna miss work.
- Yeah, I wish I could say the same.

22
00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:03,416
- Linda's on a warpath.
- Oh.

23
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,916
Apparently, Doug pitched a new
holiday e-card, and it didn't go so well.

24
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,291
Babe, who's gonna send an e-card

25
00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:10,958
for someone graduating from rehab
for the second time?

26
00:01:11,041 --> 00:01:13,001
Well, it was a lot better
than "Happy Hoe-loween".

27
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,883
You know, for women that wear
slutty costumes.

28
00:01:14,958 --> 00:01:18,083
Or what about "White Kwanzaa,"
which makes absolutely no sense at all.

29
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,625
And don't forget to tell Linda
you're taking paternity leave.

30
00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:23,833
I know. Listen, nothing's more important
to me than my family,

31
00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:24,916
not even a partnership

32
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,666
at the company I've been
busting my ass for all these years.

33
00:01:27,750 --> 00:01:29,990
You think maybe I should've
just slept my way to the top?

34
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:31,990
Okay, babe. I'll see you later.

35
00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,642
Don't think Linda want it?
You see the way Linda looks at your boy!

36
00:01:34,666 --> 00:01:36,851
- Not interested in that conversation.
- Don't be jealous.

37
00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:37,916
Mm-mm.

38
00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:39,875
- I love you.
- Love you, too.

39
00:01:39,958 --> 00:01:40,958
Bye.

40
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:45,583
Linda, I wanna apologize for the pitch.

41
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:48,458
You know, I've been delegating more
to the team, and I want...

42
00:01:49,791 --> 00:01:51,458
Y-You know, 'cause the baby's due soon...

43
00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:53,750
I know you got a lot on your plate, Alan.

44
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,916
I won't pretend to understand,
I never wanted babies. Ick!

45
00:01:57,583 --> 00:01:59,083
You know, um...

46
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:01,916
I-I-I don't usually drink at work.

47
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:03,250
Hmm.

48
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,416
Oh, damn.

49
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:11,333
Alan.

50
00:02:11,416 --> 00:02:13,625
There was a time when you took charge.

51
00:02:13,958 --> 00:02:16,291
You were aggressive. You dressed the part.

52
00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:19,083
You were becoming
the face of this company, literally!

53
00:02:19,958 --> 00:02:22,208
Now... everything's about...

54
00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:25,666
"The baby. Ooh, me and my mom.
The baby is great."

55
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:28,000
Linda, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

56
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,385
I'm gonna be
taking some time off.

57
00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:32,125
- What?
- Just a month or so.

58
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:33,750
It's like paternity leave.

59
00:02:33,833 --> 00:02:34,916
Paternity leave?!

60
00:02:35,291 --> 00:02:36,958
You're in line for a partnership.

61
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,166
Do you really think, Alan,
this is the right time to vacay?

62
00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:43,208
It's not a vacay.
I just want to be there for my family.

63
00:02:43,291 --> 00:02:45,458
And you know what?
That partnership, I earned it.

64
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:50,750
Now, I have a baby appointment,
and I promised Marie I'd be there.

65
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:53,125
Fine!

66
00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:56,791
Go to your little appointment
with your sonogram and your gel.

67
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,416
Everything looks great.

68
00:03:06,833 --> 00:03:09,291
Right where you'd expect to be
at 35 weeks.

69
00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:11,215
Thank you. Lights, please.

70
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,250
Now, because of your advanced
maternal age...

71
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,958
Uh, I'm only 35.

72
00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:19,083
- And 35 is really 15 in Black-people age.
- Mm-hmm.

73
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,666
You know that black don't crack...

74
00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:22,750
...unless you smoke it. Okay?

75
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:26,708
Sure, but 35 is still considered
an elevated risk pregnancy.

76
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:28,875
- Uh, no pre-eclampsia in your family?
- No.

77
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,875
- No food allergies? No history of cancer?
- No.

78
00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,666
No, she has A-plus genes.

79
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,666
You know, her daddy's a federal judge.

80
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:37,250
She graduated top of her class
at Columbia Law,

81
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:39,791
and she's the first
female partner in her firm.

82
00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:40,875
Hey, Doc...

83
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,000
I trapped her.

84
00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:44,208
Uh, so...

85
00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,083
- Uh, one more thing...
- Hmm?

86
00:03:46,166 --> 00:03:49,166
Alan... we don't have your family history.

87
00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:52,708
Oh, well, there's a perfectly good
explanation for that. I don't have one.

88
00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:56,833
See, I was put up for adoption,
and I was raised in foster homes.

89
00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:59,166
I moved around a lot.
I never really met my birth mother.

90
00:03:59,541 --> 00:04:03,000
Hence, no family medical history.

91
00:04:03,541 --> 00:04:04,541
But...

92
00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:06,708
he checked out great
after his last physical.

93
00:04:06,791 --> 00:04:07,791
That's right.

94
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:10,375
You are lookin'
at one perfect human specimen.

95
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,416
Now, what more could you ask for?

96
00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:14,250
Girl!

97
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:16,083
Look at that!

98
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:18,286
Little baby gonna come out buff.

99
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,541
<i>Why can't they just
put it in the chart,</i>

100
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,666
"Don't know family medical history"?

101
00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:33,666
She has to ask.
She's not judging you, baby.

102
00:04:33,750 --> 00:04:37,583
So what if I don't know if my family
has high blood pressure or diabetes,

103
00:04:37,666 --> 00:04:40,306
or the gene that gives you
the little webby thing between your toes

104
00:04:40,333 --> 00:04:42,375
that makes it impossible
to wear flip-flops?

105
00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:44,500
Listen, black people
don't even wear flip-flops.

106
00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:45,743
You're right, baby, we don't.

107
00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:48,000
Makes our heel hard and our baby toe ashy.

108
00:04:49,291 --> 00:04:51,875
You know, and I've tried
every DNA website there is.

109
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,375
I mean, all I found out was
I may be related to Cleopatra...

110
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,416
and I'm 1/23 Irish.

111
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:59,875
Alan, my father
is a federal circuit judge.

112
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,958
I've told you this a million times.

113
00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:04,000
He'd be happy to help you
find your family.

114
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,000
No. No, Marie.

115
00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:06,458
That man don't like me.

116
00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:09,458
He stopped liking you
after you started liking me.

117
00:05:09,541 --> 00:05:11,458
I don't wanna owe that man anything.

118
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:13,125
Look, Alan.

119
00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:16,708
If this is as important to you
as you say it is,

120
00:05:17,083 --> 00:05:19,125
now is the perfect time to ask.

121
00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:23,916
Who has a Sunday brunch
on a Saturday?

122
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:25,625
Not even white folks do that.

123
00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:27,375
My mom insisted.

124
00:05:27,625 --> 00:05:29,250
Aw, I love your mommy.

125
00:05:29,666 --> 00:05:32,208
Only thing I don't like about your mommy
is your daddy.

126
00:05:34,916 --> 00:05:36,125
Surprise!

127
00:05:37,208 --> 00:05:38,708
Oh.

128
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:39,833
Mommy!

129
00:05:39,916 --> 00:05:41,666
- Oh, my little Pooh Bear!
- Oh!

130
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:43,083
Never surprise a pregnant lady.

131
00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:44,333
Don't y'all know that?

132
00:05:44,458 --> 00:05:46,625
- Yeah, my water almost broke.
- Marie.

133
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:48,291
The whole family is here for you.

134
00:05:48,375 --> 00:05:49,375
Really?

135
00:05:49,458 --> 00:05:51,625
Your sisters, every aunt, uncle, cousin!

136
00:05:51,708 --> 00:05:53,184
- Cousins, cousins, cousins.
- Oh, Mom.

137
00:05:53,208 --> 00:05:55,489
- This is like a Tyler Perry movie in here.
- Oh, stop it.

138
00:05:57,208 --> 00:06:00,750
So, Doug, your date,
she seems really, um...

139
00:06:01,625 --> 00:06:02,875
- outgoing.
- Oh, yeah.

140
00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:05,291
- She's a Russian aerial dancer.
- Okay.

141
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:07,125
- You know, like with ribbons?
- Yeah, yeah.

142
00:06:07,208 --> 00:06:08,291
That, or she's a spy.

143
00:06:08,583 --> 00:06:11,083
Or maybe she's just a thief. I'm not sure.

144
00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:14,125
But I'm keeping my sensitive documents
in a safe just in case.

145
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,208
Smart man.

146
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:16,875
- Doug.
- Marie.

147
00:06:16,958 --> 00:06:18,708
Oh, thank you so much for coming!

148
00:06:18,791 --> 00:06:20,166
Oh, such a great shower!

149
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:23,041
- And these mommy-mosas are on fleek.
- Right?

150
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:24,375
- We don't say that.
- Mm-mm.

151
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:25,916
Uh, off the chain.

152
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:26,875
- That's old.
- No.

153
00:06:26,958 --> 00:06:28,708
- They're the bomb.
- Stop.

154
00:06:29,875 --> 00:06:31,583
Uh, shit, she's stealing.

155
00:06:31,666 --> 00:06:32,916
- What?
- Excuse me.

156
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,083
<i>- Nyet, nyet, nyet.
- Da.</i>

157
00:06:36,166 --> 00:06:37,166
So...

158
00:06:37,375 --> 00:06:38,750
Dad's at the grill,

159
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:41,458
so now's the perfect chance
to talk to him.

160
00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,250
- Hey.
- Hmm?

161
00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:46,333
Um...

162
00:06:46,583 --> 00:06:48,041
- Dad, I was...
- Ooh.

163
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,416
Sorry. Judge...

164
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,666
- Mm-hmm.
- Sir.

165
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:54,875
I got something I wanted
to talk to you about.

166
00:06:54,958 --> 00:06:56,958
You know, I wasn't exactly in favor

167
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,916
of you marrying my daughter.

168
00:06:59,000 --> 00:06:59,833
Yeah.

169
00:06:59,916 --> 00:07:02,500
You kind of mentioned that
during the wedding,

170
00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:06,708
when the preacher said,
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."

171
00:07:06,791 --> 00:07:08,541
You... you didn't hold your peace.

172
00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:11,208
Alan, I'm trying to make sure
that you understand that you're...

173
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,500
you're about to become
the father of my grandchild.

174
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,916
I know this. And that... that... Sir.

175
00:07:16,333 --> 00:07:19,000
I leased a brand new SUV.

176
00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:20,958
It's red, so everybody knows it's coming.

177
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,250
Got the little "Baby On Board" sticker
in the back,

178
00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,958
and I'm almost finished with the nursery.

179
00:07:26,041 --> 00:07:27,881
I got a few finishing touches
to put on, but...

180
00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:29,625
Damn it.

181
00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:31,791
That's not what I'm talking about.

182
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:35,083
Son...

183
00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,916
I want to share something with you.

184
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,833
Family is everything.

185
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:44,750
You don't have a family.

186
00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:50,833
Now, Marie brings generations of success
to the table.

187
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:54,250
What exactly are you bringing?

188
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:57,291
I can throw with both arms.

189
00:07:59,125 --> 00:08:01,041
- You can throw with both arms?
- Mm-hmm.

190
00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:03,958
Listen, sir.

191
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,541
I want to find my birth family.

192
00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:08,625
But see, I need a court order

193
00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:10,666
to unseal my adoption records.

194
00:08:11,666 --> 00:08:13,708
- Well, just so I'm clear...
- Yes.

195
00:08:13,791 --> 00:08:15,125
- So I'm clear...
- Mm-hmm.

196
00:08:15,208 --> 00:08:16,458
You're asking me for a favor?

197
00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:17,958
Not a favor. Like a...

198
00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:19,041
"Favor" is a big word.

199
00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,916
Like... adjust it. A "solid".

200
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,625
No, no. I wanna hear "favor."
"Solid" doesn't work here.

201
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:26,250
Can we not say "favor" so hard?

202
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:29,333
"Judge, could you do me a favor?"
Can you say something like that?

203
00:08:29,666 --> 00:08:30,875
Can you do me a f...

204
00:08:33,791 --> 00:08:35,000
Can you do me a favor?

205
00:08:35,875 --> 00:08:36,875
There you go.

206
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:39,666
There you go.
That wasn't that hard, was it?

207
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:41,333
- It was.
- It was actually easier

208
00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:42,833
than I thought it was going to be.

209
00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,083
You... You know, you...

210
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:47,458
You're not much of a fighter,
are you, son?

211
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:49,083
- Hmm?
- No.

212
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,666
What is this?

213
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,833
Aw! How cute is this?

214
00:08:55,916 --> 00:08:57,333
Alan, look.

215
00:08:58,166 --> 00:09:01,208
You know, I've been trying to get
that information for years,

216
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,291
and your father got it
in less than an hour.

217
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,250
Open it.

218
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:20,250
Marie, now... Now, once I open this,
y-y-you know there's no going back.

219
00:09:20,333 --> 00:09:21,375
Open the damn thing!

220
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,125
Um, Marie...

221
00:09:28,208 --> 00:09:31,375
my whole life I always wondered
what my birth family was like.

222
00:09:32,125 --> 00:09:33,958
Where'd they come from?
Were they poor? And...

223
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,333
And they worked hard,

224
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,666
and then they started
a successful dry cleaning company,

225
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:39,208
and then they got rich,

226
00:09:39,291 --> 00:09:41,750
and they moved across town
to the East side,

227
00:09:41,833 --> 00:09:43,500
and then they bought
a deluxe apartment...

228
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,583
Alan.

229
00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:46,041
That's <i>The Jeffersons.</i>

230
00:09:46,208 --> 00:09:47,500
I know, but a boy could dream.

231
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:49,875
- Just open the dag-gone thing!
- Okay! Don't yell at me.

232
00:09:49,958 --> 00:09:51,666
God! Just avoiding it.

233
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,291
Come on.

234
00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:55,958
Baby, this is just stuff.
I can't... I can't make nothin' of this.

235
00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:59,333
Okay, okay, all right.
Records of Transfer...

236
00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:02,875
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
It's your birth certificate.

237
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:05,333
Look.

238
00:10:06,458 --> 00:10:08,750
Oh, sh... Marie.

239
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,250
It's my birth certificate.

240
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,541
This is me!

241
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:13,750
Yep, all five pounds
and six ounces of you.

242
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,958
- Hey! That's a healthy baby!
- That's a good baby.

243
00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:16,875
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

244
00:10:16,958 --> 00:10:18,250
- A little slim.
- Little slim.

245
00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,416
Oh. No father on record.

246
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,125
Mm.

247
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:23,791
Oh! Alan, look.

248
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,750
Your birth mother's name is right here.

249
00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:29,125
Lynette Spellman.

250
00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:31,333
Lynette?

251
00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,416
Wow! You know any Lynettes?

252
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:35,500
Uh, no.

253
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:38,333
I know a Lynette. My barber,
the one that cuts my hair?

254
00:10:38,416 --> 00:10:39,583
- Uh-huh.
- She's a Lynette!

255
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:40,500
- Shut up.
- Yeah.

256
00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:43,383
She faded it a little high, but I think
she was high when she faded it.

257
00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:45,583
- She did good.
- Maybe my mom owns a salon!

258
00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:47,375
Maybe she invented the weave.

259
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:51,000
And you're wearin' a weave right now,
and that's why I was attracted to you,

260
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:53,375
'cause you remind me
of the weave that my mama created!

261
00:10:53,458 --> 00:10:55,875
Oh, my God,
maybe my mother's a millionaire!

262
00:10:55,958 --> 00:10:57,791
Well, maybe you could ask her yourself.

263
00:10:57,875 --> 00:10:59,833
Her address is right here.

264
00:11:00,291 --> 00:11:01,333
- My...
- Look at this.

265
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,000
- I got a mommy.
- You got a mama, baby.

266
00:11:09,666 --> 00:11:11,083
- I got a mama.
- Baby.

267
00:11:11,166 --> 00:11:13,416
- I got a mama.
- Baby.

268
00:11:13,916 --> 00:11:15,458
Hey.

269
00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:18,333
- You got a grand-mommy!
- You've got a grandma!

270
00:11:20,125 --> 00:11:24,000
- But what if she doesn't wanna meet me?
- How can she not wanna meet you?

271
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:27,750
Now, listen, you better hurry up,
or you'll miss your chance.

272
00:11:27,833 --> 00:11:29,976
'Cause in a couple of weeks,
you're gonna have to focus

273
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,360
on the family you have right here.

274
00:11:32,916 --> 00:11:34,333
- Okay.
- Okay?

275
00:11:35,291 --> 00:11:36,291
Thank you.

276
00:11:38,916 --> 00:11:40,958
Don't worry. I'll be back.

277
00:11:41,041 --> 00:11:42,916
Okay.

278
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:48,125
Probably in a helicopter,
because, you know, my mama is ballin'!

279
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:52,291
Love you! A lot!

280
00:11:52,791 --> 00:11:54,916
Bye, baby! And other baby!

281
00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:59,125
<i>♪ I feel so caught up, in a bud ♪</i>

282
00:11:59,208 --> 00:12:01,250
<i>♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪</i>

283
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,000
<i>♪ Perfectly at peace ♪</i>

284
00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:05,458
<i>♪ So I move along a bit higher ♪</i>

285
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:07,250
<i>♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪</i>

286
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:08,916
<i>♪ Up, up, and away ♪</i>

287
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:11,583
<i>♪ 'Cause they're gonna judge me anyway ♪</i>

288
00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:13,375
<i>♪ So, whatever ♪</i>

289
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:15,375
<i>♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪</i>

290
00:12:15,458 --> 00:12:16,583
<i>♪ Up, up, and away ♪</i>

291
00:12:16,666 --> 00:12:19,166
<i>♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪</i>

292
00:12:19,666 --> 00:12:21,333
<i>♪ So, whatever ♪</i>

293
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,416
<i>♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪</i>

294
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:24,625
<i>♪ Up, up, and away ♪</i>

295
00:12:24,708 --> 00:12:27,500
<i>♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪</i>

296
00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:29,500
<i>♪ So, whatever ♪</i>

297
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,041
What do I call her?

298
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:33,875
Hey...

299
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:36,125
Mom!

300
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,125
I... I forgive you, Mom.

301
00:12:38,208 --> 00:12:40,500
Yeah, I'm not even a little bitter
that you wasn't around

302
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:43,958
for the last 38 years, you frickin' bitch!

303
00:12:44,041 --> 00:12:45,041
I'm sorry.

304
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:47,708
It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be good.
Mm-hmm.

305
00:13:27,625 --> 00:13:29,833
Just leave the mail
on the porch!

306
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:33,000
Oh, hey!

307
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,541
You're not our usual mailman.

308
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,625
No, I'm... I'm not with the Postal Service.

309
00:13:38,708 --> 00:13:42,625
Sir, I am anxiously awaiting
an episode of <i>Mork & Mindy.</i>

310
00:13:42,708 --> 00:13:45,333
So, you leave me no choice
to be somewhat rude

311
00:13:45,416 --> 00:13:47,500
and say, "Please, go away!"

312
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,291
Who watches <i>Mork & Mindy</i> still?

313
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:54,958
Sir!

314
00:13:55,041 --> 00:13:56,958
Does Lynette Spellman live here?

315
00:13:57,625 --> 00:14:00,125
No. And I'll say it in Spanish,

316
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,958
<i>"El no."</i>

317
00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:10,333
Then, why is "L. Spellman" on the mailbox?

318
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:13,625
Very well.

319
00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:15,291
But she's not here.

320
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:16,875
Really? Damn it.

321
00:14:16,958 --> 00:14:18,041
What do you want?

322
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:21,833
My name is Alan,

323
00:14:22,416 --> 00:14:24,416
and Lynette Spellman is my mother.

324
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:30,916
Lynette Spellman only has one son,
and his name is Russell.

325
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,666
Right. I have proof.

326
00:14:40,041 --> 00:14:42,375
What in the quantum leap?

327
00:14:56,541 --> 00:14:57,541
Give me that.

328
00:14:59,375 --> 00:15:00,458
This can't be.

329
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,833
I'm her son!

330
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:03,583
This... This is a mistake!

331
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:05,041
Wait, you're her son?

332
00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:08,458
I'm her son. That means we're brothers!

333
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,541
Wait. You're my brother, Russell!

334
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:14,458
No, no, no, no. No, no. Look, right there.
You see that? See that?

335
00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:17,625
See that misprint? See that date there,
that's <i>my </i>birthday.

336
00:15:17,916 --> 00:15:19,601
- And, see...
- Yeah, but that's my birthday.

337
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:22,208
Yeah, but that would only make sense
if, in fact,

338
00:15:22,291 --> 00:15:24,208
you and I were...

339
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,333
Twins.

340
00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,750
We're twins.

341
00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:36,666
Russell!

342
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,125
We're twins!

343
00:15:39,666 --> 00:15:41,291
Come here, bro!

344
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:43,333
This is awkward.

345
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:46,000
I've never had a man hug me before.

346
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,261
If you don't release me, I'm gonna be
forced to use my warning whistle

347
00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:50,333
Mother gave me.

348
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:51,958
Okay, I warned you.

349
00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:53,666
All right, shh, shh! Hey!

350
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:55,833
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

351
00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:59,083
Can we... Can we go inside?

352
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,541
Don't touch anything
with your measly hands.

353
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,291
Everything here is very valuable.

354
00:16:03,375 --> 00:16:05,666
These are antiques,
especially the <i>TV Guide,</i>

355
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,350
so it's gonna be worth billions one day.

356
00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:08,791
Well, here's some more news.

357
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:11,208
- You're about to be an uncle.
- Phooey.

358
00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:13,416
- Uncle Russell.
- That's a terrible name.

359
00:16:13,708 --> 00:16:17,000
- Has a little ring to it.
- Sounds like a cheesy morning disc jockey.

360
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:18,625
This is the family home, huh?

361
00:16:18,708 --> 00:16:20,708
Yeah. Jealous?

362
00:16:20,791 --> 00:16:22,208
I still can't believe

363
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:24,875
that I'm standing here
with my very own twin.

364
00:16:24,958 --> 00:16:25,833
Me neither.

365
00:16:25,916 --> 00:16:27,000
I mean, look at us.

366
00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,708
We look exactly alike.

367
00:16:28,791 --> 00:16:31,458
Yeah, we... We look almost...

368
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,375
exactly... nothing alike.

369
00:16:34,458 --> 00:16:37,041
No, we look exactly, exactly alike.

370
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,833
It's like I'm looking at myself
in the mirror.

371
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,041
It's uncanny!

372
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,958
Same face, same hairline.

373
00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:44,875
Well, I'm a lot more handsome.

374
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:48,000
That's why I got the beauty marks
and you don't.

375
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:51,458
So, Russell, I...

376
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:53,666
take it you still live here.

377
00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:56,500
That's a rather obvious
observation.

378
00:16:56,958 --> 00:16:59,291
Why else would I have
my very own cereal bowl

379
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:00,666
with my name written on it?

380
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:01,625
- See?
- Yeah.

381
00:17:01,708 --> 00:17:04,625
It's so good. I love cereal.

382
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:07,250
Well, that's something me and you
have in common.

383
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,625
I like cereal, too.

384
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,708
I'm more of a Wheat Chex guy myself.

385
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:11,708
Wheat Chex?

386
00:17:11,791 --> 00:17:12,791
Blech!

387
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,750
I'm sorry, Alan.
I like my cereals to be edible.

388
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:19,250
Preferably with the fruit-forward
complexities

389
00:17:19,333 --> 00:17:21,291
of the Captain's Crunchberries.

390
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,208
Mm.

391
00:17:23,291 --> 00:17:24,500
So, when do I see her?

392
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,250
- Who?
- Mom.

393
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,916
I-I mean, Lynette.

394
00:17:28,375 --> 00:17:29,416
When does she get back?

395
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,583
Uh... that's... that's rather hard to say.

396
00:17:31,666 --> 00:17:33,875
Oh, I got so much stuff to ask her.

397
00:17:33,958 --> 00:17:36,666
I mean, so many things I wanna tell her,
like I'm married,

398
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,208
she's gonna be a grandma.

399
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,291
Uh, she's dead!

400
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:40,791
You said what?

401
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:42,333
Yeah, you know...

402
00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:45,250
I regret to inform you...

403
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:48,041
Lynette Spellman has passed on.

404
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:49,125
How?

405
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:50,750
Car accident.

406
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,916
I told her she should check her brakes.

407
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:58,041
So she got up under
that 1986 Honda Civic SE.

408
00:17:58,375 --> 00:17:59,375
It was blue.

409
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,208
Periwinkle, to be exact.

410
00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:03,208
She was just that type of gal,

411
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,250
real hands-on
and cheap as the day is long.

412
00:18:06,666 --> 00:18:08,708
Obviously, I couldn't do it for her.

413
00:18:10,125 --> 00:18:11,416
Because of your size?

414
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:16,541
Because I know nothing about fancy,
expensive, foreign cars like Hondas.

415
00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:17,875
So... So, she was crushed?

416
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:19,875
I'm afraid so.

417
00:18:20,458 --> 00:18:21,750
Oh, wow.

418
00:18:22,291 --> 00:18:25,000
Oh, this is just so devastating. Just...

419
00:18:25,125 --> 00:18:26,791
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

420
00:18:26,875 --> 00:18:28,434
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
- That's my seat.

421
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,250
Sorry, Alan. I've spent a lot of time

422
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:33,250
making this leather conform
to only my buttocks.

423
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:34,750
Mm.

424
00:18:34,791 --> 00:18:37,166
Can't believe I finally find her
and now it's too late.

425
00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:40,083
Maybe you should just go home and mourn.

426
00:18:41,375 --> 00:18:43,583
Now, excuse me. My television show is on.
Thank you.

427
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:45,791
Do you have any pictures?

428
00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:50,541
I hate havin' a brother already!

429
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:54,375
Don't touch my cereal.

430
00:18:55,791 --> 00:18:57,750
I lived my entire life with that woman,

431
00:18:57,916 --> 00:18:59,458
and although buck-toothed,

432
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,166
she was a saint.

433
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:02,458
And what about Dad?

434
00:19:03,166 --> 00:19:05,125
Deserted her the instant she got pregnant.

435
00:19:05,208 --> 00:19:06,541
But she carried on.

436
00:19:06,625 --> 00:19:08,250
Seems like an amazing woman.

437
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:09,625
Indeed.

438
00:19:10,541 --> 00:19:11,541
Sour ball?

439
00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:13,375
Sure.

440
00:19:14,083 --> 00:19:16,958
She never said anything
about why she gave me up?

441
00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:18,125
Never mentioned you.

442
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,000
Not a word.

443
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:21,583
Not a peep.

444
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:25,625
Oh, so sour.

445
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,500
Ow! Ow!

446
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:30,791
Seriously?

447
00:19:31,458 --> 00:19:33,541
Did you just bite into a sour ball?

448
00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:36,750
No wonder why Mother chose me.

449
00:19:36,833 --> 00:19:39,541
Okay, fine. Can you just please
get me a paper towel

450
00:19:39,958 --> 00:19:41,041
for my busted tooth?

451
00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:42,541
Mm-hmm.

452
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:44,500
You know, Mom loves sour balls.

453
00:19:44,916 --> 00:19:48,208
She said Dad had sour balls
and that was her attraction to him.

454
00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:49,791
Hey, Alan!

455
00:19:49,875 --> 00:19:50,791
Whatever you do,

456
00:19:50,875 --> 00:19:52,791
don't go snoopin' through Mom's drawers.

457
00:19:52,875 --> 00:19:55,708
She's got all kind of weird massagers
and stuff in there.

458
00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:35,125
Family medical records!

459
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,583
What the hell is this?

460
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:52,541
Again, not to push you,
but to nudge you really hard,

461
00:20:52,916 --> 00:20:54,958
Mork is about to talk to Orson and...

462
00:20:55,291 --> 00:20:56,291
What's that?

463
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,208
Did you know about this?

464
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:02,041
She had six babies at the same time!

465
00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:07,583
- There was more of you?
- Russell, there's more of <i>us!</i>

466
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:11,041
Wait. So, if triplets is three, then...

467
00:21:11,833 --> 00:21:12,833
Russell...

468
00:21:13,416 --> 00:21:14,916
we're sextuplets!

469
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,166
Holy fudge!

470
00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:27,041
<i>Aw, baby, I'm really sorry
about your birth mom.</i>

471
00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:28,375
It's okay, baby.

472
00:21:28,666 --> 00:21:32,041
At least I still got Dawn, Ethan,
Jaspar, Russell, and Baby Pete.

473
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,541
And, yes, Baby Pete is his legal name.

474
00:21:35,625 --> 00:21:38,000
<i>That's more ghetto
than your Uncle Lil Stank-Stank.</i>

475
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,583
Yeah, so far, I found
a place of business on Ethan,

476
00:21:41,666 --> 00:21:43,791
and nothing on Jaspar.
That man's a ghost.

477
00:21:43,875 --> 00:21:44,916
What about Dawn?

478
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,916
I got a number. I called it.

479
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,875
- So, what happened?
<i>- Some dude picked up.</i>

480
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:53,166
Gave me a weird address in Alabama.
Said I should bring cigarettes.

481
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,625
Well, be careful.
You don't know these people.

482
00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:58,666
<i>Maybe one of them
changed their name to Idris Elba.</i>

483
00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:01,375
<i>You know, we do have
strikingly similar bone structure.</i>

484
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:03,125
But Idris has all of his teeth.

485
00:22:03,208 --> 00:22:04,583
Maybe I'll get a gold cap.

486
00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:08,250
No, no, no, no. Alan. Please!
You can't meet your family like that.

487
00:22:08,458 --> 00:22:10,875
Girl, that's why I got this.

488
00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:13,291
Boom. Super glue.

489
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,015
<i>Oh, my God, Alan.</i>

490
00:22:15,041 --> 00:22:16,666
<i>Don't use that. Go see a dentist.</i>

491
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:18,750
<i>- </i>Baby... I'm gonna call you back.
<i>- Alan...</i>

492
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:40,541
Russell!

493
00:22:40,916 --> 00:22:42,333
Oh. Hey, Alan.

494
00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:43,458
How'd you get in my room?

495
00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:45,875
I just told the hotel manager
we were brothers.

496
00:22:45,958 --> 00:22:47,838
Of course he believed me,
'cause we're twinsies.

497
00:22:49,375 --> 00:22:50,833
What are you even doing here?

498
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,708
Well, good news.

499
00:22:53,791 --> 00:22:57,125
I decided to join you on this excursion
to find our siblings.

500
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,208
Oh! Uh...

501
00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:02,833
Well, I wasn't really expectin'
any company. Sorry.

502
00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:05,125
Alan, my mother just died.

503
00:23:05,458 --> 00:23:08,000
This trip may be the only thing
to help me recover

504
00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:10,333
from the greatest tragedy
of my young life.

505
00:23:10,416 --> 00:23:12,041
Please?

506
00:23:12,541 --> 00:23:13,541
I brought cereal.

507
00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:16,125
Fine.

508
00:23:16,375 --> 00:23:17,250
Let's do it.

509
00:23:17,333 --> 00:23:18,250
Really?

510
00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:20,583
Tomorrow, we head out on a road trip.

511
00:23:20,916 --> 00:23:22,583
Okay-dokay.

512
00:23:22,666 --> 00:23:25,500
Give us some time to really,
you know, bro down.

513
00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:26,583
“Bro down”?

514
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:29,125
Did you just try
to turn a noun into a verb?

515
00:23:29,958 --> 00:23:31,833
Yeah, I... I guess.

516
00:23:31,916 --> 00:23:34,083
That's grammatically incorrect.

517
00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,166
Goodnight, Alan. Wanna cuddle?

518
00:23:40,916 --> 00:23:43,833
Hey, man, you're naked!
The hell?

519
00:23:43,916 --> 00:23:45,375
Of course. I sleep in the nude.

520
00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,500
I'm very comfortable with my body.

521
00:23:47,916 --> 00:23:49,375
The buck is beautiful.

522
00:23:49,916 --> 00:23:52,333
Besides, it really helps
with night sweats.

523
00:23:52,416 --> 00:23:53,976
You don't want me to have night sweats.

524
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:57,708
I'll have this mattress floatin' around
like an old raft after a hurricane.

525
00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,500
Usually there's a dog on top.

526
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:01,166
It's all wet and dirty.

527
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:03,041
Boy, if you don't put
some damn clothes on...

528
00:24:03,125 --> 00:24:06,583
Fine. Obviously, somebody's insecure
about their manhood.

529
00:24:06,666 --> 00:24:08,916
You're lucky I brought my PJs, Alan.

530
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:11,125
Oh, wow!

531
00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:16,375
Russell, did you know Alabama
has nearly 600 miles of coastline?

532
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:18,958
I bet you Dawn has a big house
on the beach.

533
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:21,250
This may not be obvious, Alan, but...

534
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:23,208
this is my first sleepover.

535
00:24:23,291 --> 00:24:24,416
No!

536
00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:25,375
Seriously.

537
00:24:25,458 --> 00:24:28,750
Come on. I guess we could share the bed,
now that you got some drawers on.

538
00:24:28,833 --> 00:24:29,916
- Come on.
- Ooh-wee!

539
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,958
Yeah, I got my Underoos. Come on!

540
00:24:32,375 --> 00:24:34,226
- Let's go, Alan!
- Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

541
00:24:34,250 --> 00:24:36,708
We never got to do this as kids. Come on!

542
00:24:36,791 --> 00:24:38,541
Fine, but just for a little while.

543
00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:39,875
Then we gotta go to bed.

544
00:24:39,958 --> 00:24:43,333
Come on! I betcha I jump higher than you!
I bet I can jump higher than you, Alan!

545
00:24:44,791 --> 00:24:47,708
- Look at this. I'm runnin' in the air. Mm.
- Hey!

546
00:24:47,791 --> 00:24:49,125
This is kind of fun!

547
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:50,750
- I told...
- Oh!

548
00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:52,958
Huh? Uh-oh.

549
00:24:53,041 --> 00:24:54,708
Thank God, Mom's dead.

550
00:24:54,791 --> 00:24:56,666
We surely would've got a spanking
for that one.

551
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,708
Now, I know your big behind...

552
00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:00,208
Pillow fight!

553
00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,291
Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight? Okay!

554
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:03,625
All right! Yeah!

555
00:25:03,708 --> 00:25:04,958
- Okay.
- That was a low blow!

556
00:25:05,041 --> 00:25:06,791
You want a pillow fight?

557
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:08,958
Okay, that was good.

558
00:25:09,291 --> 00:25:10,875
Oh! You got some power on you,

559
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:12,125
huh, big boy?

560
00:25:12,541 --> 00:25:14,375
Take that!

561
00:25:14,458 --> 00:25:15,625
Take that!

562
00:25:15,708 --> 00:25:17,748
- You're a nice, big target.
- Show me what you got!

563
00:25:19,666 --> 00:25:22,166
Now, that's how you pillow fight!

564
00:25:25,541 --> 00:25:28,208
Now, that wasn't really nice of you, Alan.

565
00:25:28,291 --> 00:25:31,875
You know, maybe we shouldn't pillow fight.
It's still dangerous. It's fightin'!

566
00:25:37,958 --> 00:25:40,750
You know what?
Sleepovers are a lot of fun.

567
00:25:40,833 --> 00:25:42,958
I can't wait to see what happens
tomorrow night.

568
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,916
Yeah. Tomorrow.

569
00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:51,375
- So long, Branford.
<i>- Arrivederci, </i>Branford.

570
00:25:51,458 --> 00:25:53,750
And they thought I'd never leave.

571
00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:55,833
Proved them wrong.

572
00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:58,375
- Who?
- Oh, the naysayers.

573
00:25:58,666 --> 00:26:01,416
- Oh.
- My teachers, my doctor,

574
00:26:01,500 --> 00:26:03,416
the butcher, the baker,

575
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:05,375
the sixth grade crossing guard,

576
00:26:05,458 --> 00:26:07,041
the sheriff, the deputy,

577
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:08,375
Mom's OB-GYN.

578
00:26:08,458 --> 00:26:11,250
- Oh, goddamn.
- That's pretty much everybody.

579
00:26:11,916 --> 00:26:13,000
So...

580
00:26:13,666 --> 00:26:15,546
Tell me something about yourself.

581
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,541
For what possible purpose?

582
00:26:17,875 --> 00:26:20,166
What are you, the IRS?

583
00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:21,250
How about this?

584
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:23,291
What's your earliest memory of Mom?

585
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:25,333
She forced me to eat
an avocado, the hussy.

586
00:26:25,416 --> 00:26:27,750
- Okay.
- It was disgusting, as you might imagine.

587
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:30,208
Tastes like soft-boiled Silly Putty.

588
00:26:30,291 --> 00:26:32,166
That's something we have in common.

589
00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,291
I hate avocados, too.

590
00:26:34,666 --> 00:26:35,500
Great.

591
00:26:35,583 --> 00:26:36,583
You like TV shows?

592
00:26:36,666 --> 00:26:40,041
How about we sing
our favorite TV show theme song?

593
00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:42,375
Ooh, how about we don't?

594
00:26:42,458 --> 00:26:46,750
<i>♪ Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum ♪</i>

595
00:26:46,833 --> 00:26:48,583
<i>♪ What might be right for you ♪</i>

596
00:26:48,666 --> 00:26:50,583
<i>♪ May not be right for some ♪</i>

597
00:26:50,666 --> 00:26:52,333
<i>♪ A man is born ♪</i>

598
00:26:52,416 --> 00:26:54,333
<i>♪ He's a man of means ♪</i>

599
00:26:54,416 --> 00:26:56,208
<i>♪ Then along comes two ♪</i>

600
00:26:56,291 --> 00:26:58,000
<i>♪ They got nothing but jeans ♪</i>

601
00:26:58,083 --> 00:26:58,916
<i>♪ They got ♪</i>

602
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,000
<i>♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪</i>

603
00:27:00,083 --> 00:27:01,083
<i>♪ It takes ♪</i>

604
00:27:01,166 --> 00:27:02,291
<i>♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪</i>

605
00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:03,250
<i>♪ It takes ♪</i>

606
00:27:03,333 --> 00:27:06,333
<i>♪ Diff'rent Strokes to move the world ♪</i>

607
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:07,625
<i>♪ Mmm ♪</i>

608
00:27:08,625 --> 00:27:10,208
I was a big fan of <i>Diff'rent Strokes.</i>

609
00:27:10,291 --> 00:27:11,541
Oh, I got one, I got one.

610
00:27:17,708 --> 00:27:19,541
What? Come on,
that's the <i>M♪A♪S♪H♪</i> theme song!

611
00:27:19,833 --> 00:27:20,916
Makes me sleepy.

612
00:27:21,291 --> 00:27:24,458
Al right. I just thought it'd be good
to play some theme songs.

613
00:27:24,750 --> 00:27:26,625
Yeah, I got some good commercial jingles...

614
00:27:30,083 --> 00:27:32,517
<i>♪ Heard they tryin' to steal the wave
Cut it out, cut it out ♪</i>

615
00:27:32,541 --> 00:27:34,750
<i>♪ Spicy mamis on the way
Bust it down, bust it down ♪</i>

616
00:27:34,833 --> 00:27:37,375
<i>♪ Saw my watch
She love the way I flood it out, ay ♪</i>

617
00:27:37,458 --> 00:27:38,375
<i>♪ Talk to me nice ♪</i>

618
00:27:38,458 --> 00:27:40,291
<i>♪ Show you what these Bentley 'bout
Whoa ♪</i>

619
00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:41,208
<i>♪ Pipe down ♪</i>

620
00:27:42,291 --> 00:27:43,291
Russell.

621
00:27:43,666 --> 00:27:45,000
- Russell! Hey.
- Hmm?

622
00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:47,625
I need you to drive. I'm gettin' tired.

623
00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,416
Yeah, I don't think so.

624
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:51,083
- What? Why not?
- 'Cause...

625
00:27:51,166 --> 00:27:54,875
I have no interest in assuming legal
responsibility for someone else's vehicle.

626
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:55,791
Seriously?

627
00:27:55,875 --> 00:27:57,500
Also, I don't know how to drive.

628
00:27:57,583 --> 00:28:00,291
You don't know how to drive?
Get outta here!

629
00:28:00,375 --> 00:28:02,708
Truth be told,
I've always wanted to learn,

630
00:28:02,791 --> 00:28:06,166
so I could one day
speed stylish down the road,

631
00:28:06,250 --> 00:28:09,791
in a gold '76 Pontiac Firebird Esprit.

632
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:13,166
The same vehicle
owned by James Scott...

633
00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:14,166
Rockford!

634
00:28:14,250 --> 00:28:16,333
In <i>The Rockford Files!</i>
Man, that was my show!

635
00:28:16,416 --> 00:28:18,166
Oh, I love <i>The Rockford Files!</i>

636
00:28:18,250 --> 00:28:19,976
- Yo, that car was sick.
- The best.

637
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:23,166
You know, I own a copy of the original
operator's manual for the car.

638
00:28:23,250 --> 00:28:24,370
Really?

639
00:28:24,416 --> 00:28:26,458
I've read it a dozen times or something.

640
00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:28,708
All right.

641
00:28:28,791 --> 00:28:29,791
Well, Russell...

642
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,416
I'mma pull over right here, 'cause, uh...

643
00:28:32,833 --> 00:28:33,833
I'm tired.

644
00:28:35,625 --> 00:28:36,875
Gonna get some Z's.

645
00:28:37,458 --> 00:28:40,708
Hmm, strange.
I don't see no hotel around here, Alan.

646
00:28:40,791 --> 00:28:42,916
Because there isn't one, Russell.

647
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,041
Tomorrow...

648
00:28:44,125 --> 00:28:46,250
I'm gonna give you
your first driving lesson.

649
00:28:46,333 --> 00:28:47,416
How's that, huh?

650
00:28:47,500 --> 00:28:48,500
Hmm...

651
00:28:49,666 --> 00:28:51,125
You positive this is safe?

652
00:28:51,833 --> 00:28:53,166
Yeah, it's safe.

653
00:28:53,250 --> 00:28:56,833
Listen, we're family.
You got my back and I got yours, right?

654
00:28:56,916 --> 00:28:58,041
I don't know, Alan.

655
00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:00,958
You're not exactly
the family I wanted.

656
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:03,000
Yeah, well, I'm all the family you got.

657
00:29:03,083 --> 00:29:05,541
You sound like the ending
of a cheesy sitcom.

658
00:29:05,625 --> 00:29:07,833
Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?

659
00:29:07,916 --> 00:29:09,541
- Sometimes.
- Go to bed.

660
00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:12,708
- Um, if I had some warm milk or something.
- Start countin' cereal boxes.

661
00:29:12,791 --> 00:29:13,791
That's a good idea.

662
00:29:14,958 --> 00:29:17,208
One Lucky Charm.

663
00:29:17,875 --> 00:29:19,958
Mmm. Two Cap'n Crunch...

664
00:29:20,541 --> 00:29:21,916
Three Froot Loops.

665
00:29:27,541 --> 00:29:29,041
Hey, Russell, what time is it?

666
00:29:30,916 --> 00:29:31,916
Russell?

667
00:29:33,625 --> 00:29:34,625
What the hell?

668
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:49,541
Russell!

669
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,000
Russell!

670
00:30:01,458 --> 00:30:02,583
What are you doing?

671
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:10,125
Why are you runnin' like Rerun
from <i>What's Happening?</i>

672
00:30:10,833 --> 00:30:13,041
- We should go now.
- Where are we goin'?

673
00:30:13,541 --> 00:30:14,916
What are you runnin' from?

674
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,333
I think I'm ready
for that driver's lesson now.

675
00:30:21,958 --> 00:30:23,541
Oh, no!

676
00:30:24,458 --> 00:30:26,541
My brand new Stan Smiths!

677
00:30:27,250 --> 00:30:29,416
You should get in the car.

678
00:30:29,500 --> 00:30:30,500
You said what?

679
00:30:30,750 --> 00:30:31,750
Sounds like...

680
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:33,708
moo!

681
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,166
What? This is some bull...

682
00:30:39,291 --> 00:30:40,458
...shit.

683
00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:44,041
Oh.

684
00:30:44,583 --> 00:30:46,541
Oh.

685
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:52,750
How now, brown cow! Whoa!

686
00:30:55,166 --> 00:30:56,791
Open the door! Open the door!

687
00:30:57,041 --> 00:30:58,750
Russell! Open the door!

688
00:30:59,208 --> 00:31:01,291
Pop the handle! Pop the handle!

689
00:31:02,750 --> 00:31:03,833
Open!

690
00:31:04,291 --> 00:31:06,625
I am bewildered
by this vehicle's technology.

691
00:31:06,708 --> 00:31:08,041
Open the door, Russell!

692
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:12,833
Oh!

693
00:31:12,916 --> 00:31:13,916
Toro!

694
00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:17,708
Oh!

695
00:31:17,791 --> 00:31:19,000
Stop it!

696
00:31:19,083 --> 00:31:19,916
Stop it!

697
00:31:22,291 --> 00:31:23,625
You need to chill out.

698
00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:25,250
Oh!

699
00:31:27,708 --> 00:31:29,500
Bro, if you don't pop the goddamn lock...

700
00:31:29,583 --> 00:31:31,291
I don't see a key!

701
00:31:31,375 --> 00:31:32,833
I got the key! I got the key!

702
00:31:34,708 --> 00:31:36,666
Ah! I think your car is possessed!

703
00:31:40,750 --> 00:31:41,750
Oh!

704
00:31:42,208 --> 00:31:43,583
Whoa! Oh!

705
00:31:43,666 --> 00:31:44,666
What do we do now?

706
00:31:44,750 --> 00:31:45,583
Press the brake!

707
00:31:45,666 --> 00:31:46,708
Okay, brake. Pedal.

708
00:31:46,791 --> 00:31:48,250
Pedal, pedal...

709
00:31:48,333 --> 00:31:49,333
Okay, now what?

710
00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:50,250
Put it in drive!

711
00:31:50,333 --> 00:31:51,625
Put it in drive. Okay.

712
00:31:51,708 --> 00:31:54,708
- Press the gas. Lightly.
- Okay. Lightly.

713
00:32:01,791 --> 00:32:03,500
What did you do to piss off a bull?

714
00:32:03,583 --> 00:32:07,125
I was just trying to get some milk
for my cereal and I pulled its teat!

715
00:32:11,583 --> 00:32:12,833
Watch, watch!

716
00:32:24,250 --> 00:32:28,000
<i>♪ Say you, say me ♪</i>

717
00:32:29,750 --> 00:32:31,875
<i>♪ Say it for always ♪</i>

718
00:32:33,916 --> 00:32:36,541
<i>♪ That's the way it should be ♪</i>

719
00:32:39,125 --> 00:32:43,291
<i>♪ Say you, say me ♪</i>

720
00:32:44,583 --> 00:32:47,125
<i>♪ Say it together ♪</i>

721
00:32:53,750 --> 00:32:54,666
Oh!

722
00:32:54,750 --> 00:32:55,666
Wow.

723
00:32:57,833 --> 00:32:59,713
So, it was a good lesson.
You wanna do it again?

724
00:33:13,458 --> 00:33:16,375
I think this is a different big house
than the one you imagined.

725
00:33:16,458 --> 00:33:18,833
Are you certain
this is the correct address?

726
00:33:30,125 --> 00:33:32,045
<i>Three-thirteen, I copy.</i>

727
00:33:38,375 --> 00:33:41,250
- Turn around.
- You stealin' on me for no reason.

728
00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:43,541
You gonna stop
stealin' on me like this.

729
00:33:43,625 --> 00:33:45,375
Don't put your frickin' hands...

730
00:33:45,458 --> 00:33:48,916
Don't put your hands on me, Deidra.
Don't put your hands on me.

731
00:33:49,791 --> 00:33:51,875
You gonna stop
with this light-skinned privilege.

732
00:33:51,958 --> 00:33:55,375
Just 'cause you got a badge and gun
don't make you no better than me.

733
00:33:55,750 --> 00:33:58,500
Ooh, that's your mama? You better
put some money on my books.

734
00:33:58,583 --> 00:33:59,916
I'mma whoop your daughter's ass.

735
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,517
- Dawn.
- Call that black bitch!

736
00:34:01,541 --> 00:34:03,416
You gon' get your ass kicked.

737
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,541
Dawn, let these people enjoy their family.

738
00:34:05,625 --> 00:34:07,375
So, anyway...

739
00:34:08,625 --> 00:34:11,416
This better be good,
'cause you cuttin' into my yard time.

740
00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:14,875
The guard over there say you my brother.
Is that for real, for real?

741
00:34:16,583 --> 00:34:17,458
Um...

742
00:34:17,541 --> 00:34:21,000
Well, yeah. I mean...
I got the birth certificate to prove it.

743
00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:22,500
Hmm.

744
00:34:24,250 --> 00:34:25,250
I'm Alan.

745
00:34:25,583 --> 00:34:27,083
No.

746
00:34:27,625 --> 00:34:28,625
I don't know you.

747
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,541
Okay. Nice... Nice to meet you.

748
00:34:30,625 --> 00:34:32,458
That's your other brother, Russell.

749
00:34:33,125 --> 00:34:35,583
- Hi.
- Oh, hell to the no.

750
00:34:35,916 --> 00:34:36,916
Mm-mm.

751
00:34:37,041 --> 00:34:40,291
He must've came from the defected
testicles. That's not my brother.

752
00:34:40,625 --> 00:34:41,625
Now, you and I,

753
00:34:41,666 --> 00:34:42,833
we do look alike.

754
00:34:42,916 --> 00:34:44,625
Like, I see the resemblance.

755
00:34:44,708 --> 00:34:46,208
Like, this is uncanny.

756
00:34:46,291 --> 00:34:48,750
I... I don't...
I don't see the resemblance at all.

757
00:34:49,125 --> 00:34:51,166
This is like lookin' in the mirror.

758
00:34:51,666 --> 00:34:53,166
But more like a funhouse mirror,

759
00:34:53,250 --> 00:34:55,208
'cause, you know,
I'm voluptuous and beautiful...

760
00:34:55,291 --> 00:34:57,166
and you scrawny.

761
00:34:57,250 --> 00:34:58,250
But you buff.

762
00:34:58,333 --> 00:34:59,708
So, you like a crackhead

763
00:35:00,208 --> 00:35:03,083
that put down the crack pipe
and picked up a weight.

764
00:35:03,791 --> 00:35:04,958
Oh, okay.

765
00:35:08,333 --> 00:35:09,416
Mm, mm.

766
00:35:11,666 --> 00:35:12,708
Come to Daddy.

767
00:35:17,291 --> 00:35:18,541
Oh, come on.

768
00:35:20,166 --> 00:35:21,333
Where're my smokes?

769
00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:25,000
- I didn't... I didn't bring any smo...
- Oh, hell, no!

770
00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:26,833
I know you did not

771
00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:30,541
show up to a prison
without no damn smokes!

772
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:32,833
Oh, that's like goin'
to the Boom Boom Room

773
00:35:32,916 --> 00:35:34,291
and not bringin' singles!

774
00:35:34,625 --> 00:35:37,375
Ain't nobody gonna rub
on your little cling-clong for free.

775
00:35:40,083 --> 00:35:41,083
My dude.

776
00:35:41,125 --> 00:35:42,000
Russell!

777
00:35:42,083 --> 00:35:44,683
The guards did a full pat-down.
How the hell you get that in here?

778
00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:48,291
Well, in the World War II prison comedy
<i>Hogan's Heroes,</i>

779
00:35:48,375 --> 00:35:49,583
Colonel Hogan once duped

780
00:35:49,666 --> 00:35:51,583
the buffoonish Sergeant Schultz

781
00:35:51,666 --> 00:35:54,625
by hiding a monkey wrench
way deep in his anus...

782
00:35:54,708 --> 00:35:55,875
Y-You know what?

783
00:35:55,958 --> 00:35:58,541
Way up there by undigested food.

784
00:35:58,625 --> 00:36:00,333
I-I get the point Thank you.

785
00:36:00,416 --> 00:36:01,958
Be quiet! Damn!

786
00:36:02,041 --> 00:36:03,721
Ooh, you lucky you didn't grow up with me.

787
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:05,934
I swear I would have beat your ass.

788
00:36:05,958 --> 00:36:08,375
You smell that?
That's a high wipe. He stink.

789
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:10,666
So, uh... Dawn.

790
00:36:10,916 --> 00:36:13,333
Boom Boom Room?
So... so, you're a stripper?

791
00:36:13,416 --> 00:36:14,333
What the hell?

792
00:36:14,416 --> 00:36:15,291
A stripper

793
00:36:15,375 --> 00:36:16,916
and exotic dancer are different.

794
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:18,916
- So get your life right, boo.
- My bad.

795
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:23,625
An exotic dancer incorporate years
of hard dance trainin'

796
00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:25,416
into her whole routine.

797
00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:26,916
- Yeah.
- She take all her years

798
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:29,791
of what she learned
on the horizontal pole,

799
00:36:29,958 --> 00:36:32,541
and she just bring it
to the vertical pole

800
00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:36,208
and add a little bit of this to it,
and add a little bit of this.

801
00:36:36,291 --> 00:36:39,291
- Please, don't... don't do that.
- You see this? Here, here, here.

802
00:36:39,375 --> 00:36:41,250
Shift, shift, shift. Pla, pla.

803
00:36:41,333 --> 00:36:43,125
<i>Plié, relevé,</i> ass on face.

804
00:36:43,208 --> 00:36:45,000
<i>Plié, relevé,</i> ass on face.

805
00:36:45,083 --> 00:36:46,875
<i>Plié, relevé,</i> ass on face.

806
00:36:46,958 --> 00:36:48,458
Sashay! Sashay!

807
00:36:48,666 --> 00:36:49,583
Ass on face.

808
00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:50,666
- Oh!
- See?

809
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,041
That's how it get down.

810
00:36:52,250 --> 00:36:55,791
So, you go get your education right,
boo-boo.

811
00:36:56,250 --> 00:36:57,250
Uh, okay.

812
00:37:05,791 --> 00:37:07,583
Uh... here's some good news.

813
00:37:08,041 --> 00:37:09,081
You're gonna be an auntie.

814
00:37:10,375 --> 00:37:13,458
Yes! My wife is pregnant,
and she's gonna be giving birth

815
00:37:13,541 --> 00:37:15,375
- in a couple weeks.
- Are you serious?

816
00:37:16,125 --> 00:37:17,583
That just warms my heart.

817
00:37:17,666 --> 00:37:19,000
Is it yours?

818
00:37:19,458 --> 00:37:21,708
- What? Yeah. Yeah, it's mine!
- Hmm.

819
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:23,666
Sound a little suspect to me.

820
00:37:23,750 --> 00:37:24,875
These hoes be out here.

821
00:37:24,958 --> 00:37:25,958
Okurr?

822
00:37:41,166 --> 00:37:43,958
You know, this just make me think
about my babies, you know.

823
00:37:44,041 --> 00:37:45,708
Oh, really? You... You have children?

824
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:46,833
Mm-hmm.

825
00:37:46,916 --> 00:37:49,642
And I think about them. There ain't
nothin' I wouldn't do for my kids.

826
00:37:49,666 --> 00:37:50,708
I would commit murder!

827
00:37:51,333 --> 00:37:54,708
Violent murder!
I'd shiv somebody so hard!

828
00:37:55,291 --> 00:37:57,083
- So sweet of you.
- Murder!

829
00:37:57,166 --> 00:37:59,916
You know, nothin' says "I love you"
like a...

830
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,750
little old-fashioned murder, right?

831
00:38:01,833 --> 00:38:03,500
And you know what? You family.

832
00:38:03,958 --> 00:38:05,958
So I would do the same for you.

833
00:38:06,041 --> 00:38:08,666
And I feel the same way
about you.

834
00:38:08,750 --> 00:38:10,125
Minus the murder.

835
00:38:21,333 --> 00:38:24,125
You know, there is somethin'
that maybe you can...

836
00:38:24,416 --> 00:38:26,625
- You know what? No.
- Dawn, stop.

837
00:38:26,916 --> 00:38:27,916
You sure?

838
00:38:38,083 --> 00:38:39,083
Um...

839
00:38:39,541 --> 00:38:43,166
I just need a little help
with, like, a little bit of bail money.

840
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,000
Oh.

841
00:38:45,125 --> 00:38:46,125
Well, how...

842
00:38:46,208 --> 00:38:48,250
How much help do you need?

843
00:38:48,333 --> 00:38:49,375
Just crumbs.

844
00:38:49,458 --> 00:38:50,458
Come here.

845
00:38:51,791 --> 00:38:53,416
Ten thousand dollars.

846
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:56,041
Oh, goddamn!

847
00:38:56,291 --> 00:38:57,811
Oh, you gonna help me?
Oh, my goodness!

848
00:38:57,875 --> 00:38:58,995
- You so sweet!
- Contraband!

849
00:38:59,416 --> 00:39:02,791
- Contraband? He got contraband!
- What? No, wait! I ain't got...

850
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:03,708
Hold up!

851
00:39:03,791 --> 00:39:04,958
He's got contraband!

852
00:39:07,541 --> 00:39:08,666
Hold up, hold up.

853
00:39:14,125 --> 00:39:15,208
Get off me, yo!

854
00:39:15,750 --> 00:39:18,083
Shame about that contraband, huh?

855
00:39:18,166 --> 00:39:19,333
That wasn't me!

856
00:39:19,416 --> 00:39:20,458
Ten grand?!

857
00:39:20,541 --> 00:39:22,791
Alan, are you nuts?
You don't even know her!

858
00:39:23,291 --> 00:39:25,583
She's my sister, you know? She's family.

859
00:39:25,666 --> 00:39:28,791
Who was in jail for assault!

860
00:39:28,875 --> 00:39:29,958
Allegedly.

861
00:39:30,291 --> 00:39:32,750
And Dawn says it was a mishappenstance.

862
00:39:32,833 --> 00:39:34,541
I... I don't think that's a word.

863
00:39:34,625 --> 00:39:36,416
<i>It was just an aggressive lap dance.</i>

864
00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:37,500
Fine.

865
00:39:37,791 --> 00:39:38,666
Um...

866
00:39:38,750 --> 00:39:41,250
Before I hit the road,
did you find out anything on Jaspar?

867
00:39:41,333 --> 00:39:43,500
Oh! You know what? I actually did.

868
00:39:43,583 --> 00:39:44,583
Um...

869
00:39:44,833 --> 00:39:46,125
Let me see. Um...

870
00:39:46,208 --> 00:39:48,125
He went to Oxford,

871
00:39:48,208 --> 00:39:49,291
<i>then MIT,</i>

872
00:39:49,375 --> 00:39:50,791
<i>and then he went dark.</i>

873
00:39:50,875 --> 00:39:53,750
I left a couple messages
for a law school friend at the Pentagon.

874
00:39:53,833 --> 00:39:55,500
I'll try the State Department next.

875
00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:58,041
Girl, you doin' a whole lot better
than I did.

876
00:39:58,166 --> 00:39:59,791
I got nothin' on Baby Pete,

877
00:40:00,041 --> 00:40:01,958
and still no response from Ethan.

878
00:40:02,041 --> 00:40:03,333
<i>I gave him all my info.</i>

879
00:40:03,416 --> 00:40:04,750
<i>Nothin'. Just crickets.</i>

880
00:40:05,125 --> 00:40:08,000
You know, this is harder
than I thought it was gonna be.

881
00:40:09,291 --> 00:40:10,291
Alan...

882
00:40:10,625 --> 00:40:13,208
I know you're trying
to find your family, but...

883
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:15,666
I thought you'd be home by now.

884
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,833
I mean, what if the baby comes early?

885
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:19,208
<i>I'll be there, okay?</i>

886
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:21,708
Nothing will stop me
from being there. Nothing.

887
00:40:21,791 --> 00:40:24,666
But just a reminder,
the breastfeeding class is tomorrow,

888
00:40:24,750 --> 00:40:26,541
and it's the last one
before the baby comes.

889
00:40:26,625 --> 00:40:30,125
Then, I'll just drop Dawn off,
and... I'll head home.

890
00:40:30,541 --> 00:40:31,375
Okay?

891
00:40:31,458 --> 00:40:33,083
It's been real.

892
00:40:33,541 --> 00:40:36,708
I am free!

893
00:40:37,250 --> 00:40:38,916
Bye, bitches!

894
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,708
Oh, I am so glad I got bailed out.

895
00:40:41,791 --> 00:40:43,541
I was about El Chapo this bitch.

896
00:40:44,041 --> 00:40:47,333
- Oh, my God! It feels so good...
- What in the <i>Real Housewives of Atlanta</i>

897
00:40:47,416 --> 00:40:48,416
is this?

898
00:40:48,708 --> 00:40:49,708
Alan!

899
00:40:51,125 --> 00:40:52,666
Thank you, brother!

900
00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:55,041
Wait, wait. Dawn, wait.

901
00:40:55,125 --> 00:40:55,958
Hol... Dawn!

902
00:41:23,583 --> 00:41:25,666
Oh, goddamn! Damn!

903
00:41:25,958 --> 00:41:26,958
Ow!

904
00:41:35,208 --> 00:41:36,666
Oh, look at all the money.

905
00:41:36,750 --> 00:41:39,125
That's... five dollars.
You chump ass.

906
00:41:39,500 --> 00:41:41,750
Now here... I've got your address!

907
00:41:41,833 --> 00:41:42,666
Alan!

908
00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:43,750
Whoa!

909
00:41:43,791 --> 00:41:44,708
Close the goddamn...

910
00:41:44,791 --> 00:41:46,666
- Close the... Close the door!
- All right.

911
00:41:47,125 --> 00:41:48,805
- Close the door!
- All right. It's closed!

912
00:41:48,875 --> 00:41:50,715
I thought you weren't comin' in
until tomorrow.

913
00:41:50,750 --> 00:41:52,110
Yeah, well, I'm here now, ain't I?

914
00:41:52,166 --> 00:41:55,326
What's goin' on with that jacket, man?
I stopped counting the buttons after six.

915
00:41:55,375 --> 00:41:56,375
- Seven.
- Okay.

916
00:41:56,458 --> 00:41:58,916
It's that Steve Harvey Season Seven.
You like it?

917
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,125
Yeah, that <i>Family Feud</i> shit.

918
00:42:01,208 --> 00:42:03,408
Yeah, that's for retired
basketball players and deacons.

919
00:42:03,458 --> 00:42:05,416
Mm-hmm. And the hair extension...

920
00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:07,500
Yeah. And look here, it's called a "woop".

921
00:42:07,583 --> 00:42:09,250
- A "woop"?
- Yeah.

922
00:42:09,333 --> 00:42:11,166
A dip. A perm. You know what I'm sayin'?

923
00:42:11,250 --> 00:42:14,083
I like it. I like the whole new thing,
man. It's a whole new look.

924
00:42:14,166 --> 00:42:16,250
You look like Carmelo Anthony
fucked Rick James.

925
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:18,750
Hey, not everybody can wear lime green,
you know?

926
00:42:18,833 --> 00:42:19,953
- Don't be jealous.
- Listen.

927
00:42:20,166 --> 00:42:22,958
I'm glad you're here,
because I am havin' a hard time

928
00:42:23,041 --> 00:42:25,250
crackin' the Mother's Day pitch,
and I'm desperate.

929
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:26,453
- Yeah, Mother's Day?
- Yeah.

930
00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:29,625
Yeah, I got one for you. I'll tell you.
All right, here it goes. All right.

931
00:42:30,125 --> 00:42:34,083
"Most kids get hugs and kisses

932
00:42:34,375 --> 00:42:37,750
from their mama, and those memories last.

933
00:42:38,833 --> 00:42:41,333
But I don't have those memories, Mama,

934
00:42:41,791 --> 00:42:45,000
'cause you left me in the trash.

935
00:42:45,833 --> 00:42:47,583
Happy Mother's Day, Mom,

936
00:42:48,250 --> 00:42:49,333
dot, dot, dot...

937
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:51,041
bitch."

938
00:42:52,833 --> 00:42:55,291
I mean, I like the rhyming scheme,
but I just...

939
00:42:55,375 --> 00:42:57,392
- I don't know, there's something...
- You know what?

940
00:42:57,416 --> 00:42:59,708
You talkin' a lot, you talkin' a lot.

941
00:42:59,791 --> 00:43:01,208
- Let's cut to the bullshit.
- Okay.

942
00:43:01,291 --> 00:43:02,809
- Where the money at, huh?
- What money?

943
00:43:02,833 --> 00:43:05,708
Don't hold out on me.
I'll... I'll slap your face.

944
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:09,375
You... I'll slap your white face
and I'll leave my handprint so big,

945
00:43:09,458 --> 00:43:10,916
you'll look like the Canadian flag.

946
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:13,291
I do direct deposit. You know that.

947
00:43:13,375 --> 00:43:17,083
- You smell like money, huh? You got...
- You got Republican money, huh?

948
00:43:17,166 --> 00:43:19,541
Hey, hey, hey. You know I'm a Bernie bro.

949
00:43:19,625 --> 00:43:20,541
- Oh.
- You know that.

950
00:43:20,625 --> 00:43:22,041
Ooh.

951
00:43:22,125 --> 00:43:23,125
Stay still.

952
00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:25,500
Ooh.

953
00:43:25,791 --> 00:43:27,375
You shop at Whole Foods.

954
00:43:27,583 --> 00:43:31,166
You smell like the green bin
at Sprouts.

955
00:43:32,375 --> 00:43:34,000
Where the money at? Who got the checks?

956
00:43:34,083 --> 00:43:35,541
The che...

957
00:43:35,625 --> 00:43:36,708
Who got the money?

958
00:43:36,791 --> 00:43:38,416
- Relax, Alan.
- Who got the checks?

959
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:39,333
Talk to Linda.

960
00:43:39,416 --> 00:43:41,375
- Who the hell is Linda, huh?
- Our boss.

961
00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:43,750
We work for a bitch?

962
00:43:44,166 --> 00:43:46,125
We work for Linda. She's nice.

963
00:43:46,833 --> 00:43:48,375
- She's a nice bitch?
- Yeah.

964
00:43:48,458 --> 00:43:50,083
Oh, people done changed.

965
00:43:52,416 --> 00:43:54,208
It's good to see you, man.

966
00:43:58,875 --> 00:44:00,916
Where the hell is Linda's office, huh?

967
00:44:04,125 --> 00:44:05,125
Thank you.

968
00:44:05,791 --> 00:44:06,791
Get back to work.

969
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:09,708
I said, get back to work!

970
00:44:10,083 --> 00:44:11,208
Hey, Linda.

971
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,083
I need to holler at you
'bout some bidness. Right now.

972
00:44:15,166 --> 00:44:16,666
<i>Agora. </i>Pronto.

973
00:44:16,750 --> 00:44:18,250
Excuse me?

974
00:44:18,333 --> 00:44:20,416
Look here. I want...

975
00:44:22,250 --> 00:44:23,250
what's mine.

976
00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:24,250
You what?

977
00:44:24,333 --> 00:44:26,083
Did I...

978
00:44:26,541 --> 00:44:27,541
stutter?

979
00:44:30,083 --> 00:44:31,916
Well, well, well, Alan.

980
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,666
I had to admit I was worried
you didn't get the message,

981
00:44:34,750 --> 00:44:37,791
but I'm happy to see you
acting like you mean it.

982
00:44:38,083 --> 00:44:41,333
Oh, yeah. You know I'm about that life.
Shit. Hells yeah.

983
00:44:41,416 --> 00:44:43,958
Hells yeah.

984
00:44:44,375 --> 00:44:48,208
And I'm happy to see you
dress for Rashneep's retirement party.

985
00:44:48,291 --> 00:44:49,291
Rash-who-the-what?

986
00:44:49,666 --> 00:44:51,500
Look, I ain't here for no party.

987
00:44:52,166 --> 00:44:54,791
I'm here on some bidness.

988
00:44:54,875 --> 00:44:57,041
I want my ends. My loot.

989
00:44:58,291 --> 00:44:59,625
My scrilla.

990
00:44:59,916 --> 00:45:00,916
Scrilla?

991
00:45:01,375 --> 00:45:02,958
I want my advance.

992
00:45:03,333 --> 00:45:05,833
Alan, you know that I don't give advances.

993
00:45:05,916 --> 00:45:08,791
- Do I look like I give a shit?
- Hmm.

994
00:45:09,166 --> 00:45:11,541
See, if I gave a shit, I'd look like this.

995
00:45:13,125 --> 00:45:15,000
But I don't. So, I look like this.

996
00:45:16,333 --> 00:45:17,875
- Now, do it.
- Alan...

997
00:45:17,958 --> 00:45:20,083
you're talking to me like I work for you.

998
00:45:20,583 --> 00:45:23,625
Yeah, well, you know, now you smellin'
what I'm fartin'. You know?

999
00:45:23,708 --> 00:45:25,268
Let me make something very clear, Alan.

1000
00:45:25,333 --> 00:45:27,916
You could talk to everyone else that way,

1001
00:45:28,208 --> 00:45:31,291
- but not your...
- Hold on, that's...

1002
00:45:31,375 --> 00:45:32,750
boss!

1003
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:33,833
You hear me?

1004
00:45:40,625 --> 00:45:42,375
Let me tell you something...

1005
00:45:43,583 --> 00:45:44,583
Linda.

1006
00:45:49,041 --> 00:45:50,041
Nobody,

1007
00:45:50,291 --> 00:45:51,291
but nobody,

1008
00:45:51,708 --> 00:45:53,000
talks to me that way.

1009
00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:54,750
So, here's what I want you to do.

1010
00:45:54,833 --> 00:45:57,791
I want you to take your ass over there
and write me a check!

1011
00:45:58,375 --> 00:45:59,416
'Cause Daddy

1012
00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:01,250
got bills to pay.

1013
00:46:02,375 --> 00:46:03,750
You feel me?

1014
00:46:05,666 --> 00:46:06,666
I feel you.

1015
00:46:06,833 --> 00:46:07,833
Mm-hmm.

1016
00:46:08,541 --> 00:46:09,541
Good.

1017
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:10,958
I feel you!

1018
00:46:11,291 --> 00:46:12,333
Good.

1019
00:46:13,708 --> 00:46:15,208
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1020
00:46:15,291 --> 00:46:17,916
I feel you!

1021
00:46:18,666 --> 00:46:21,000
Okay. That's what we said.

1022
00:46:21,916 --> 00:46:23,416
Oh. Wait. Ooh.

1023
00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:25,750
- I feel that.
- I feel you.

1024
00:46:25,833 --> 00:46:27,833
Hey! Yeah.

1025
00:46:28,500 --> 00:46:30,708
I feel you.

1026
00:46:31,083 --> 00:46:33,375
- Okay!
- I feel you.

1027
00:46:36,333 --> 00:46:38,416
Oh, man.
That's some cool shit right there.

1028
00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:40,140
You know, I was thinkin' about gettin'...

1029
00:46:41,750 --> 00:46:43,958
Now it's time to consummate our...

1030
00:46:44,750 --> 00:46:46,083
partnership.

1031
00:46:47,708 --> 00:46:48,833
Oh!

1032
00:46:52,333 --> 00:46:54,708
I think you just gave me a raise.

1033
00:46:54,791 --> 00:46:56,416
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

1034
00:46:57,041 --> 00:46:57,875
Mm-hmm.

1035
00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:01,458
Ooh, stop in there. I need
something to drink.

1036
00:47:01,541 --> 00:47:04,416
- I am parched. Okurr?
- Hey, Alan. Can you get me some cereal?

1037
00:47:04,500 --> 00:47:06,620
All right, you need to stop
eating that cereal.

1038
00:47:06,666 --> 00:47:08,666
I think you got too much riboflavin
in your system.

1039
00:47:08,750 --> 00:47:10,458
That's why you big and swollen like that.

1040
00:47:10,541 --> 00:47:12,059
- Okay...
- It's affecting your thyroid.

1041
00:47:12,083 --> 00:47:15,083
- Stop fat-shaming!
- All right! Just stay in the car.

1042
00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:16,666
Thank you.

1043
00:47:18,791 --> 00:47:21,208
Y'all some big-ass white boys.

1044
00:47:21,541 --> 00:47:22,958
- Y'all truckers, huh?
- Damn.

1045
00:47:23,583 --> 00:47:25,291
I like me some truckers.

1046
00:47:25,375 --> 00:47:28,416
'Cause you know why?
They can handle the wide load.

1047
00:47:28,750 --> 00:47:30,500
Huh? Can you take those turns, hmm?

1048
00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:32,250
Yeah, I drive a big rig.

1049
00:47:32,333 --> 00:47:35,875
Let's skip all the small sides
and get straight to the main course.

1050
00:47:35,958 --> 00:47:37,416
Which one of you want some...

1051
00:47:37,833 --> 00:47:38,833
calamari?

1052
00:47:39,541 --> 00:47:40,916
I am the seafood lover.

1053
00:47:41,333 --> 00:47:43,013
There's a dumpster
right back there.

1054
00:47:43,083 --> 00:47:45,351
I'll close my eyes and pretend
y'all the Ying Yang Twins...

1055
00:47:45,375 --> 00:47:46,458
Uh, Dawn. We gotta go.

1056
00:47:46,541 --> 00:47:48,375
Ugh! What?

1057
00:47:48,875 --> 00:47:51,083
Oh, my God. You comin' over here
lookin' all judgmental.

1058
00:47:51,166 --> 00:47:53,458
You are not God or Obama.

1059
00:47:53,541 --> 00:47:54,625
So, what do you want?

1060
00:47:55,041 --> 00:47:56,166
I'm sorry, fellas.

1061
00:47:56,250 --> 00:47:58,458
My sister's spoken for, so...

1062
00:47:58,708 --> 00:48:00,000
Squeeze me.

1063
00:48:00,166 --> 00:48:01,708
I am a grown-ass woman.

1064
00:48:01,791 --> 00:48:03,684
- If I want to sit on they face...
- That's gross.

1065
00:48:03,708 --> 00:48:05,000
...I'mma do that, okay?

1066
00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:06,166
So, what do you want?

1067
00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:07,250
Girl, come on!

1068
00:48:07,833 --> 00:48:10,291
Oh, my goodness. You make me sick, Alan.

1069
00:48:11,458 --> 00:48:12,958
Did you get my Count Chocula?

1070
00:48:13,333 --> 00:48:15,125
- No, but they did have...
- Rats!

1071
00:48:15,208 --> 00:48:17,666
Oh, ain't nobody care
about no damn cereal.

1072
00:48:17,750 --> 00:48:19,958
God! So, did they have my Four Loko?

1073
00:48:20,041 --> 00:48:21,458
- No.
- Any fine liquors?

1074
00:48:21,750 --> 00:48:23,916
Four Loko is not fine liquor, Dawn.

1075
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:25,333
You have a drinking problem.

1076
00:48:25,416 --> 00:48:29,166
Listen, guys. I just got a ping
from the Adoption Registry in Mississippi.

1077
00:48:29,666 --> 00:48:30,875
Baby Pete is in the hospital.

1078
00:48:30,958 --> 00:48:32,458
- He's in ICU.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.

1079
00:48:32,541 --> 00:48:34,059
- He only has a few days to live.
- Ooh.

1080
00:48:34,083 --> 00:48:35,541
Then we must hurry to his side!

1081
00:48:35,625 --> 00:48:38,166
- Mm.
- Listen, I promised Marie I'd be home.

1082
00:48:38,250 --> 00:48:39,291
I'm havin' a baby soon.

1083
00:48:39,375 --> 00:48:40,583
He's our brother!

1084
00:48:40,875 --> 00:48:43,125
This might be our only chance
to meet him, Alan.

1085
00:48:43,208 --> 00:48:45,166
- Thanks.
- All right. Fine.

1086
00:48:46,166 --> 00:48:48,583
We'll drop Dawn,
and then you and I will go see Baby Pete.

1087
00:48:48,958 --> 00:48:50,041
Okey-dokey, smokey.

1088
00:48:50,666 --> 00:48:56,083
Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on,
hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on!

1089
00:48:57,166 --> 00:49:00,291
I'm goin' with y'all, okay?
He's my brother, too.

1090
00:49:00,500 --> 00:49:02,458
And right now, he needs his family.

1091
00:49:02,541 --> 00:49:05,208
Besides, if he rich,
I wanna be in that will.

1092
00:49:05,708 --> 00:49:07,416
Russell, I'm ridin' shotgun!

1093
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,500
You're a bully, Dawn!

1094
00:49:08,541 --> 00:49:11,208
So, get up out the front seat,
you smell like bellybutton.

1095
00:49:11,291 --> 00:49:13,833
I don't want that smell
woofin' on me as we drive.

1096
00:49:14,125 --> 00:49:15,125
I don't stink!

1097
00:49:15,208 --> 00:49:17,833
I just have a really aggressive
sweat gland disorder.

1098
00:49:19,083 --> 00:49:19,916
- Hey!
- Okay.

1099
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:21,559
- Stupid.
- Everybody in the car. Quick...

1100
00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:23,392
- What the hell did you do to my truck?
- Uh-oh.

1101
00:49:23,416 --> 00:49:26,375
Hol' on, hol' on, hol'...
Who the hell are you yellin' at?

1102
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,583
You better turn that anger down.

1103
00:49:28,666 --> 00:49:29,916
Your face all red.

1104
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,500
You better turn it down to pink,
and then back down to white.

1105
00:49:33,750 --> 00:49:34,750
I don't play that.

1106
00:49:34,833 --> 00:49:37,625
It's not really red,
it was more of an orange tint.

1107
00:49:38,208 --> 00:49:40,248
Uh, listen, I'm sorry.
It was... It was an accident.

1108
00:49:40,291 --> 00:49:42,916
How about I accidentally kick your ass?

1109
00:49:43,208 --> 00:49:45,708
Oh, oh, God! I know you didn't!

1110
00:49:45,791 --> 00:49:48,500
You did not threaten
my new brother like that.

1111
00:49:48,583 --> 00:49:51,500
- See, I don't know him, but I love him.
- I don't know her.

1112
00:49:51,958 --> 00:49:54,166
I swear for God,
you don't know what you...

1113
00:49:54,250 --> 00:49:55,791
Wait, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn!

1114
00:49:55,875 --> 00:49:57,708
You think you so tough 'cause you tall?

1115
00:49:57,791 --> 00:50:00,875
I ain't afraid of you.
I'll kick you so hard in your balls,

1116
00:50:01,083 --> 00:50:02,833
that it'll replace your tonsils.

1117
00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:04,458
And if you get tonsillitis,

1118
00:50:04,541 --> 00:50:06,708
then they take out your tonsils,
but guess what?

1119
00:50:06,791 --> 00:50:08,625
They really takin' out your balls.

1120
00:50:09,666 --> 00:50:11,458
But they'll still give you ice cream.

1121
00:50:12,291 --> 00:50:14,375
Y'all think it's just empty threats?

1122
00:50:14,458 --> 00:50:17,416
You think this is an empty threat?
Oh, that's it. Now I'm bent!

1123
00:50:17,500 --> 00:50:18,875
I got my Vaseline.

1124
00:50:19,083 --> 00:50:22,333
Oh, I'm about to put that Vaseline
all over my face

1125
00:50:22,416 --> 00:50:25,541
'cause when you hit me,
it's gonna slide right off, like, mmm...

1126
00:50:25,625 --> 00:50:26,705
And I'll look at you, like,

1127
00:50:26,750 --> 00:50:28,250
"Now I'm mad."

1128
00:50:28,791 --> 00:50:29,916
Oh, you ain't gone yet?

1129
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,000
I'mma turn my back, count to three.

1130
00:50:32,083 --> 00:50:33,208
If y'all ain't gone,

1131
00:50:33,541 --> 00:50:35,333
that's when I'mma go crazy.

1132
00:50:35,750 --> 00:50:37,875
One, two, three.

1133
00:50:37,958 --> 00:50:39,041
They're not gone, Dawn.

1134
00:50:40,291 --> 00:50:42,250
Ooh, they still there! Oh!

1135
00:50:42,333 --> 00:50:45,125
Oh, I see what it is. It's a full moon.

1136
00:50:45,708 --> 00:50:47,666
You gonna bring the werewolf out in me.

1137
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:49,583
I see the moon, I'm like...

1138
00:50:54,375 --> 00:50:55,666
I'm a werewolf, bitch!

1139
00:50:55,916 --> 00:50:57,708
I'm sharpenin' my nails on the ground.

1140
00:50:57,791 --> 00:50:59,541
I sharpen my nails on the ground.

1141
00:50:59,833 --> 00:51:03,625
Yeah, I'm about to scratch your face
and give you infections!

1142
00:51:03,958 --> 00:51:05,000
Dawn, stop!

1143
00:51:05,833 --> 00:51:06,875
I got this!

1144
00:51:07,541 --> 00:51:09,041
Ain't nobody punkin' us!

1145
00:51:09,166 --> 00:51:11,486
Listen, how about you just give me
insurance information...

1146
00:51:13,625 --> 00:51:14,625
Oh!

1147
00:51:21,041 --> 00:51:23,625
Ooh, get 'em, Dawn! Get 'em!

1148
00:51:24,375 --> 00:51:25,583
Ooh.

1149
00:51:29,166 --> 00:51:31,750
Don't you ever mess with my family!

1150
00:51:32,583 --> 00:51:34,125
Oh, you think this is a game?

1151
00:51:34,458 --> 00:51:35,458
Go deep, bitch!

1152
00:51:38,041 --> 00:51:39,125
Boo!

1153
00:51:39,208 --> 00:51:41,000
Boo-yah!

1154
00:51:41,250 --> 00:51:43,166
I did it! I did it!

1155
00:51:43,375 --> 00:51:44,833
Alan?

1156
00:51:45,041 --> 00:51:45,875
Mm.

1157
00:51:48,750 --> 00:51:52,041
- Alan?
- Oh... my God.

1158
00:51:52,125 --> 00:51:53,726
You think he's dead?

1159
00:51:53,750 --> 00:51:55,833
No, dead people don't cry.

1160
00:51:56,750 --> 00:51:58,458
I think he broke my nose.

1161
00:51:59,083 --> 00:52:01,708
- You should probably see a doctor.
- Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

1162
00:52:01,791 --> 00:52:03,250
- Right?
- Definitely.

1163
00:52:05,208 --> 00:52:06,208
Ow!

1164
00:52:29,125 --> 00:52:30,583
Housekeeping!

1165
00:52:30,958 --> 00:52:32,458
<i>Habla Inglés?</i>

1166
00:52:33,333 --> 00:52:35,791
Oh, sookie, sookie now.

1167
00:52:36,250 --> 00:52:39,750
How'd a sucka like you
get a fox like that?

1168
00:52:39,916 --> 00:52:42,291
See, now I know you got money.
Where the money at?

1169
00:52:46,583 --> 00:52:47,833
Oh!

1170
00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:50,833
Yeah, I'mma cut this conk off,

1171
00:52:50,916 --> 00:52:53,666
and I'mma take this sucka's identity
and his bitch.

1172
00:52:53,750 --> 00:52:55,708
I just need some clippers
and some vinegar.

1173
00:53:05,833 --> 00:53:07,583
Oh, my gosh, Alan!

1174
00:53:09,583 --> 00:53:12,083
Hey! Surprise!

1175
00:53:12,166 --> 00:53:15,166
- I'm so glad you're home!
- Babe, good to see you.

1176
00:53:15,666 --> 00:53:16,666
Oh!

1177
00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:18,916
Oh! I missed...

1178
00:53:19,416 --> 00:53:21,291
- Hey, baby.
- Hey. Oh, oh!

1179
00:53:21,583 --> 00:53:22,791
- Alan!
- Hmm?

1180
00:53:22,875 --> 00:53:24,934
- You never use tongue.
- Well, you know I'm tryin'...

1181
00:53:24,958 --> 00:53:26,518
- Alan.
- ...to change it up, baby girl.

1182
00:53:26,583 --> 00:53:28,041
Girl, look at you.

1183
00:53:28,125 --> 00:53:29,750
- You look good.
- Oh, thank you.

1184
00:53:29,833 --> 00:53:32,333
You look about six months pregnant
in the stomach,

1185
00:53:32,416 --> 00:53:34,416
and about nine months pregnant back there.

1186
00:53:34,500 --> 00:53:36,916
Oh, and we're gonna be late
for class.

1187
00:53:37,250 --> 00:53:38,250
Wait.

1188
00:53:39,750 --> 00:53:42,583
Is that the sweater my mom got you
for your birthday?

1189
00:53:43,166 --> 00:53:44,375
You hate that thing.

1190
00:53:44,458 --> 00:53:47,166
Girl, don't be tryin' to hate on my love.
This is swag.

1191
00:53:47,250 --> 00:53:49,583
All the real players wore Coogi. Come on.

1192
00:53:49,666 --> 00:53:52,916
Biggie, Snoop,
and then that Cosby put it on

1193
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,791
and put a whole stank connotation on it.
You know what I mean?

1194
00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:57,375
Why are you talkin' like that?

1195
00:53:58,250 --> 00:53:59,625
Why am I talkin' like what?

1196
00:53:59,708 --> 00:54:01,291
Like a 1970's pimp.

1197
00:54:01,708 --> 00:54:03,791
Aw, sh... Thank you.

1198
00:54:04,083 --> 00:54:06,750
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
Please tell me that gold cap's a temp.

1199
00:54:06,833 --> 00:54:07,958
- This right here?
- Uh-huh.

1200
00:54:08,041 --> 00:54:11,625
That's the real thing.
That's eight carat gold-plated.

1201
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:13,875
Yeah, a little bit of mercury up in there.

1202
00:54:13,958 --> 00:54:16,458
Sometimes I... suck it
and it make me a little dizzy.

1203
00:54:16,541 --> 00:54:20,541
- Okay. We're gonna be late. We gotta go.
- Okay, but wait, wait. Where are we goin'?

1204
00:54:20,625 --> 00:54:21,666
Breastfeeding class.

1205
00:54:21,750 --> 00:54:23,375
- A class with breasts?
- Yes.

1206
00:54:23,458 --> 00:54:25,750
Yes. It's the last one
before the baby comes, remember?

1207
00:54:25,833 --> 00:54:27,916
- Oh, I'm gonna get an "A" in this.
- Come on.

1208
00:54:28,000 --> 00:54:29,666
I'm coming!

1209
00:54:33,833 --> 00:54:36,726
Okay, hold tight. We're gonna get you
out of here. This might sting a bit.

1210
00:54:36,750 --> 00:54:38,958
Man, after what I've been through
the past 72 hours,

1211
00:54:39,041 --> 00:54:40,476
I can pretty much handle anything...

1212
00:54:41,583 --> 00:54:43,541
Oh, I should punch you in the throat!

1213
00:54:43,625 --> 00:54:45,333
Yeah, you're gonna need surgery.

1214
00:54:45,541 --> 00:54:47,166
Ideally, before the nose resets.

1215
00:54:47,250 --> 00:54:48,625
Go visit your brother.

1216
00:54:48,708 --> 00:54:50,108
We'll grab you once an OR opens up.

1217
00:54:50,166 --> 00:54:51,583
Hey! Don't touch me.

1218
00:54:53,583 --> 00:54:56,541
So, I had three
open-heart surgeries before I was 11.

1219
00:54:56,625 --> 00:54:59,333
And I complained
to Mother about a toothache.

1220
00:54:59,416 --> 00:55:00,791
All I had was a cavity.

1221
00:55:01,125 --> 00:55:04,541
Seven feet of my intestines taken out
by the time I was 21.

1222
00:55:04,625 --> 00:55:06,541
I got both knees replaced,

1223
00:55:06,625 --> 00:55:08,583
and I said to my doctor, I said, "Doc,

1224
00:55:08,666 --> 00:55:10,750
is this gonna affect my NBA career?"

1225
00:55:14,750 --> 00:55:17,666
You's a trip, BP. You could've been
a stand-up comedian

1226
00:55:17,875 --> 00:55:19,875
if you wasn't gonna die
in, like, three days,

1227
00:55:19,958 --> 00:55:20,875
and you could stand up.

1228
00:55:20,958 --> 00:55:23,916
Girl, you gonna make me
die laughin' with your big self.

1229
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:26,458
- It's a cold world, Dawn.
- Yes, it is.

1230
00:55:26,791 --> 00:55:28,000
Alan!

1231
00:55:28,416 --> 00:55:29,458
Hey!

1232
00:55:29,541 --> 00:55:30,625
Hey, bro-bro.

1233
00:55:30,708 --> 00:55:31,958
- Baby Pete.
- Hey, Alan.

1234
00:55:32,041 --> 00:55:34,000
- Aw, look at this. Oh!
- How you doin'?

1235
00:55:34,083 --> 00:55:36,541
Come on, brother.
Come here, give me some love.

1236
00:55:36,625 --> 00:55:38,458
Oh, it's so good to meet you.

1237
00:55:38,541 --> 00:55:40,708
That's what's up. Black love.

1238
00:55:40,791 --> 00:55:41,958
It's so sweet.

1239
00:55:42,041 --> 00:55:43,708
My God!

1240
00:55:43,791 --> 00:55:45,666
The resemblance is crazy.

1241
00:55:45,750 --> 00:55:47,291
We look like twins!

1242
00:55:47,375 --> 00:55:49,041
It... it's uncanny.

1243
00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:52,083
Uh, except for that busted-ass nose.

1244
00:55:52,166 --> 00:55:53,541
Yeah, I...

1245
00:55:53,875 --> 00:55:55,291
- I don't...
- Don't we look alike?

1246
00:55:55,375 --> 00:55:56,833
Y'all look like twinsies.

1247
00:55:56,916 --> 00:55:58,250
Like, the upper arms,

1248
00:55:58,333 --> 00:55:59,166
the chest...

1249
00:55:59,250 --> 00:56:01,958
- Yeah, the hair. Like, the hair follicles.
- Uh-huh.

1250
00:56:02,041 --> 00:56:04,083
And even in the legs. Y'all got them...

1251
00:56:04,166 --> 00:56:06,541
them chicken-wing legs,
the ones that look like this.

1252
00:56:06,625 --> 00:56:09,745
This part of the chicken wing. Both y'all
got the same little chicken wing leg.

1253
00:56:09,791 --> 00:56:12,708
- Really?
- We all see it. Them legs is same.

1254
00:56:12,791 --> 00:56:13,791
- Same legs.
- Uh, okay.

1255
00:56:13,875 --> 00:56:14,750
- All right.
- I see it.

1256
00:56:14,833 --> 00:56:17,793
Let's... let's not talk about the looks.
Let's talk about what's important.

1257
00:56:18,541 --> 00:56:21,333
And that is... how do you feel, huh?

1258
00:56:21,416 --> 00:56:24,708
Oh, not bad for a guy on his deathbed.

1259
00:56:28,125 --> 00:56:30,666
- That... That ain't funny.
- Completely inappropriate, Alan.

1260
00:56:30,750 --> 00:56:32,708
Just 'cause he look
like a little voodoo doll

1261
00:56:32,791 --> 00:56:34,500
don't mean you get to make fun of him.

1262
00:56:34,958 --> 00:56:36,625
Oh, um... sorry.

1263
00:56:36,708 --> 00:56:38,333
But you do give me the heebie-jeebies.

1264
00:56:38,916 --> 00:56:41,916
'Cause my skin been crawlin'
since I been here.

1265
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,250
Like a little dehydrated Smurf.

1266
00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:47,750
You know, they're threatenin'
to amputate my right arm.

1267
00:56:48,833 --> 00:56:50,500
Thank God I can throw with both.

1268
00:56:50,791 --> 00:56:51,958
Me too!

1269
00:56:52,041 --> 00:56:53,291
- No way!
- That's so...

1270
00:56:53,375 --> 00:56:54,500
- Yeah?
- Really?

1271
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:55,791
- Wow, this...
- This is crazy!

1272
00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:57,833
- Our genetics is strong.
- Oh, my God!

1273
00:56:58,208 --> 00:57:00,625
You know, I just want to thank you
for comin',

1274
00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:02,916
from the bottom of my enlarged heart.

1275
00:57:03,250 --> 00:57:05,208
I just knew one day,

1276
00:57:05,291 --> 00:57:07,458
a miracle's gonna walk
right through that door.

1277
00:57:07,750 --> 00:57:08,916
I just wanna thank God.

1278
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,041
God is good. Makes me wanna
scream His name and say,

1279
00:57:11,125 --> 00:57:12,916
<i>♪ "God!" ♪</i>

1280
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,416
<i>♪ Holy do it!</i> ♪

1281
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:15,500
I pray to him,

1282
00:57:15,916 --> 00:57:19,458
and he makes my cereal cupeth
runneth overeth.

1283
00:57:21,250 --> 00:57:23,458
Dr. Williams! Hey.

1284
00:57:23,541 --> 00:57:25,017
- Hey! How you doin', Doc?
- Alan! Wow.

1285
00:57:25,041 --> 00:57:26,892
- Nice to meet you.
- Wow, what a wonderful thing

1286
00:57:26,916 --> 00:57:28,236
you're doin' for Baby Pete, Alan.

1287
00:57:28,291 --> 00:57:29,500
You are a hero.

1288
00:57:29,791 --> 00:57:31,750
Ah, it's no big deal, you know?

1289
00:57:31,833 --> 00:57:33,666
I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but...

1290
00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,416
Still. Not every day that a long-lost
family member appears out of thin air

1291
00:57:37,500 --> 00:57:38,500
to donate a kidney.

1292
00:57:38,541 --> 00:57:39,541
You said what?

1293
00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:41,958
Now, Alan,
it's just a simple procedure.

1294
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:43,583
You'll be out of here in a few days.

1295
00:57:43,666 --> 00:57:44,958
A few days?

1296
00:57:45,041 --> 00:57:48,125
As long as there are no complications.
But hey, you get the honor

1297
00:57:48,208 --> 00:57:49,500
of saving your brother's life.

1298
00:57:50,041 --> 00:57:52,125
Right? I just need you
to sign this release.

1299
00:57:52,208 --> 00:57:53,416
Doc, I don't care about him.

1300
00:57:53,500 --> 00:57:54,833
- I don't know him.
- Sure you do.

1301
00:57:54,916 --> 00:57:56,684
- You lyin', Alan.
- You're so funny.

1302
00:57:56,708 --> 00:57:58,166
I don't know this little...

1303
00:58:01,250 --> 00:58:02,250
Why does it gotta be me?

1304
00:58:02,333 --> 00:58:04,809
Why you gotta take my kidney?
Why don't you take one of theirs?

1305
00:58:04,833 --> 00:58:08,416
Well, apparently, I'm "medically obese,"
so, it counts me out.

1306
00:58:08,541 --> 00:58:11,666
And don't look at me, 'cause I sniffed
way too much laptop cleaner,

1307
00:58:11,750 --> 00:58:13,916
and I popped a Molly yesterday.

1308
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:15,000
I want some Molly.

1309
00:58:15,208 --> 00:58:16,041
What's Molly?

1310
00:58:16,125 --> 00:58:17,708
Okay.

1311
00:58:17,791 --> 00:58:20,166
Alan, I get it. You're scared.

1312
00:58:20,291 --> 00:58:22,333
I was scared when I had my first colonic.

1313
00:58:22,416 --> 00:58:23,875
He put a finger in my butt,

1314
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:26,041
- I felt... But...
- No, no... That's not...

1315
00:58:26,708 --> 00:58:27,833
Okay.

1316
00:58:28,541 --> 00:58:29,916
- Baby Pete?
- Mm-hmm.

1317
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:31,041
I wanna help you.

1318
00:58:31,125 --> 00:58:32,333
- Okay.
- You're my brother.

1319
00:58:32,583 --> 00:58:34,833
For another three days to a week.

1320
00:58:36,833 --> 00:58:39,708
When he die, I'm just gonna take
his little dead body

1321
00:58:39,791 --> 00:58:41,125
and put it on a key chain,

1322
00:58:41,458 --> 00:58:42,791
like a rabbit's foot.

1323
00:58:43,291 --> 00:58:46,833
Look, guys. I'm about to become a dad.

1324
00:58:46,916 --> 00:58:48,750
And if something happens to me,

1325
00:58:48,833 --> 00:58:51,375
then my child will grow up
without a father.

1326
00:58:51,458 --> 00:58:53,166
And that already happened to me.

1327
00:58:53,416 --> 00:58:54,416
And you.

1328
00:58:55,375 --> 00:58:57,750
So, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't do it.

1329
00:58:58,458 --> 00:59:00,125
You, sir, are a monster!

1330
00:59:00,958 --> 00:59:02,041
That is not fair.

1331
00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:03,791
He's too young to die.

1332
00:59:04,166 --> 00:59:05,916
Take part of me, instead.

1333
00:59:06,208 --> 00:59:07,083
Just not my kidneys.

1334
00:59:07,166 --> 00:59:08,291
- Say what?
- Move, Dawn.

1335
00:59:08,375 --> 00:59:10,291
Oh, you ain't about nothin'.

1336
00:59:11,916 --> 00:59:15,333
I can't believe I fought
those two rednecks for you.

1337
00:59:15,750 --> 00:59:17,250
You started that fight!

1338
00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:19,458
Ugh, you make me sick.

1339
00:59:19,625 --> 00:59:20,625
Ugh.

1340
00:59:21,458 --> 00:59:23,583
Uh, look, Alan.

1341
00:59:24,208 --> 00:59:26,375
I'm high on the donor's list.

1342
00:59:26,458 --> 00:59:29,916
The doctor's say I have a 0.001 chance.

1343
00:59:30,083 --> 00:59:32,166
Yeah, that's a chance.

1344
00:59:32,583 --> 00:59:33,750
- Mr. Daniels.
- Hey.

1345
00:59:34,208 --> 00:59:35,416
An OR just became available.

1346
00:59:35,500 --> 00:59:37,416
We are ready to take care of that nose.

1347
00:59:37,500 --> 00:59:38,750
- Okay. Be careful.
- All right.

1348
00:59:38,833 --> 00:59:41,500
- Looks like it's setting sideways.
- Ow!

1349
00:59:41,583 --> 00:59:43,263
Just need you to sign these release forms.

1350
00:59:43,333 --> 00:59:44,875
Here you go, Doc.

1351
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,833
Aw, thanks, Baby Pete.

1352
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:48,875
Ah, no problem, bro.

1353
00:59:57,375 --> 00:59:59,125
Baby Pete, I'm... I'm sorry.

1354
00:59:59,625 --> 01:00:01,291
Don't worry about it, Alan.

1355
01:00:02,875 --> 01:00:05,708
Everything happens for a reason.

1356
01:00:07,750 --> 01:00:08,750
Be strong, okay?

1357
01:00:09,916 --> 01:00:11,125
Bye.

1358
01:00:12,125 --> 01:00:14,000
You'll always be with me.

1359
01:00:15,083 --> 01:00:18,416
And let go of all that negative energy.

1360
01:00:18,583 --> 01:00:21,916
Let go, and create a cocoon of positivity,

1361
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:23,880
- for your beautiful baby.
- All right, move on.

1362
01:00:23,916 --> 01:00:26,708
The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Let's get to the titties, you know?

1363
01:00:26,791 --> 01:00:28,750
Let's... That's what we're here for, right?

1364
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:31,083
Let's... Let's pull them suckers out.

1365
01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:32,625
- Alan.
- Did I say that out loud?

1366
01:00:32,708 --> 01:00:33,833
- Yes.
- My bad.

1367
01:00:34,291 --> 01:00:35,291
Sorry.

1368
01:00:36,041 --> 01:00:37,041
Now...

1369
01:00:37,375 --> 01:00:39,541
before you expose the nipple,

1370
01:00:39,625 --> 01:00:41,125
we want to be careful.

1371
01:00:41,208 --> 01:00:43,041
- Hey! Hey! Excuse me!
- Huh?

1372
01:00:43,125 --> 01:00:44,666
Absolutely no photos!

1373
01:00:44,750 --> 01:00:47,416
- Jesus, stop it!
- I just want one picture for the 'Gram.

1374
01:00:47,500 --> 01:00:49,340
No! Do I have to ask you to leave?

1375
01:00:49,375 --> 01:00:52,059
- What's gotten into you?
- I ain't been feelin' well all day.

1376
01:00:52,083 --> 01:00:55,163
- Do you... Is that Hennessy?
- That's cognac, but it ain't Hennessy.

1377
01:00:59,541 --> 01:01:02,208
Now, latching is everything.

1378
01:01:02,291 --> 01:01:06,375
I just wanna volunteer
if anybody needs help with latching.

1379
01:01:06,458 --> 01:01:09,291
That's it, sir. You have to leave.

1380
01:01:09,375 --> 01:01:11,500
Man, y'all a bunch of prudes
in this class.

1381
01:01:12,500 --> 01:01:15,333
- Hold on... Girl, this is Coogi! The Coo...
- Mm-mm.

1382
01:01:15,500 --> 01:01:16,958
Who the hell are you?

1383
01:01:17,041 --> 01:01:19,500
Baby, why you trippin'? I'm Alan.

1384
01:01:20,250 --> 01:01:21,250
You're Ethan.

1385
01:01:21,458 --> 01:01:23,625
Or Jaspar. You know what?
It doesn't matter.

1386
01:01:23,875 --> 01:01:25,958
You know what? I... I am Alan.

1387
01:01:26,041 --> 01:01:28,083
Says right here on my ID.

1388
01:01:28,166 --> 01:01:29,583
See? That's Alan.

1389
01:01:30,541 --> 01:01:32,000
- Oh, hell no.
- That's me.

1390
01:01:32,500 --> 01:01:33,541
Oh, my goodness.

1391
01:01:33,625 --> 01:01:35,875
See, smilin'. Who you callin'?
Wait, who you callin'?

1392
01:01:35,958 --> 01:01:37,083
I'm callin' the police.

1393
01:01:37,166 --> 01:01:38,766
- You can't call the po-po!
- Yes, I can!

1394
01:01:38,791 --> 01:01:40,541
- Who are you, Barbecue Becky?
- I will be.

1395
01:01:40,625 --> 01:01:42,375
- Are you Permit Patty?
- Try me.

1396
01:01:42,458 --> 01:01:44,625
Okay. Let a brother explain.

1397
01:01:46,458 --> 01:01:47,875
You've got five seconds.

1398
01:01:48,875 --> 01:01:50,583
All right. Okay, here's the thing.

1399
01:01:51,333 --> 01:01:52,166
I'm Ethan.

1400
01:01:52,250 --> 01:01:53,375
That's what I thought.

1401
01:01:53,458 --> 01:01:56,583
I had got an email from Alan
saying he wanted to find a family,

1402
01:01:56,875 --> 01:01:59,458
and he sound real sentimental,
like a little sad sack,

1403
01:01:59,541 --> 01:02:00,833
so he sound vulnerable to me,

1404
01:02:00,916 --> 01:02:03,041
so I was like,
"Boom, let me get his identity."

1405
01:02:03,125 --> 01:02:05,250
So, I was gonna procure
a small business loan

1406
01:02:05,333 --> 01:02:07,791
because Alan got good credit.

1407
01:02:07,875 --> 01:02:10,541
Like, he got white credit.
See, I see why you was with him, sister.

1408
01:02:10,625 --> 01:02:13,083
Wait, so you were gonna steal
my husband's identity?

1409
01:02:13,166 --> 01:02:17,291
I'mma be real with you. I know I look rich
with this old gold tooth in my mouth,

1410
01:02:17,375 --> 01:02:18,833
that says, "Money, money, money!"

1411
01:02:20,416 --> 01:02:22,208
But that's not the case, okay? I...

1412
01:02:22,791 --> 01:02:24,416
I'm flat broke.

1413
01:02:25,666 --> 01:02:28,250
Yeah, I lost my business
a couple of months ago.

1414
01:02:28,333 --> 01:02:30,750
- As what? A thief?
- Girl, I am legitimate.

1415
01:02:30,833 --> 01:02:32,916
I own a nail salon.

1416
01:02:33,125 --> 01:02:36,041
I do acrylics, gels, silks.

1417
01:02:36,125 --> 01:02:37,708
This place be magical.

1418
01:02:37,791 --> 01:02:40,125
Oh, really? Then what was it called?

1419
01:02:40,958 --> 01:02:43,000
"This Place Be Magical."

1420
01:02:44,583 --> 01:02:46,125
And why should I believe you?

1421
01:02:46,208 --> 01:02:49,333
Look here, did I hustle in the streets
my whole life?

1422
01:02:49,708 --> 01:02:53,416
Yes. Ain't nobody picked me up
from the State home.

1423
01:02:53,916 --> 01:02:55,833
So, you were never in a foster home?

1424
01:02:56,333 --> 01:02:57,333
No, ma'am.

1425
01:02:58,041 --> 01:02:59,208
Oh, my God. I'm...

1426
01:03:00,166 --> 01:03:02,666
- I'm so sorry...
- I'm good. I'm not... Stop that.

1427
01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:05,250
I'm good. You know?
I'm happy I did, you know?

1428
01:03:05,333 --> 01:03:07,500
- Okay.
- 'Cause it... it made me who I am.

1429
01:03:07,583 --> 01:03:09,916
And I gotta tell ya, nail art?

1430
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:10,875
Bam!

1431
01:03:10,958 --> 01:03:12,625
It was poppin'!

1432
01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:16,500
Until the landlord wanna break my lease
without warnin'.

1433
01:03:16,583 --> 01:03:19,541
Oh, well that's not legal.
Any decent lawyer could tell you that.

1434
01:03:19,625 --> 01:03:22,500
Girl, I can't afford no damn lawyer.
What's wrong with you?

1435
01:03:23,375 --> 01:03:24,666
What's your tenant ID?

1436
01:03:25,250 --> 01:03:26,250
Hmm?

1437
01:03:27,916 --> 01:03:29,333
Only one phone call.

1438
01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:34,291
You gonna make me blush, and I'm black,
and it's gonna look weird.

1439
01:03:40,041 --> 01:03:41,875
All right, Alan, you're all set.

1440
01:03:41,958 --> 01:03:42,791
Okay.

1441
01:03:42,875 --> 01:03:45,208
- Tell the doc to make it pretty.
- Sure.

1442
01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:46,958
Uh, what's that?

1443
01:03:47,333 --> 01:03:50,208
It's to relax you. I don't think
you're gonna wanna be awake for this.

1444
01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:51,875
Okay, that's a good point.

1445
01:03:52,875 --> 01:03:53,875
Oh, wow.

1446
01:03:55,666 --> 01:03:57,916
This that stuff Lil Wayne have in his cup.

1447
01:03:58,625 --> 01:03:59,666
Dr. Williams?

1448
01:03:59,750 --> 01:04:00,750
That's me.

1449
01:04:01,625 --> 01:04:03,000
I thought the other doctor was...

1450
01:04:03,625 --> 01:04:06,625
Didn't... Another doctor's
gonna be workin' on my... fix...

1451
01:04:07,208 --> 01:04:08,541
What's this thing called?

1452
01:04:08,625 --> 01:04:10,041
- Nose? Yes.
- Yeah.

1453
01:04:10,125 --> 01:04:11,333
Yes, we're doing that as well.

1454
01:04:11,416 --> 01:04:12,458
- You got a nose.
- I do.

1455
01:04:12,541 --> 01:04:14,301
You may wanna back off
the dose a little bit.

1456
01:04:14,375 --> 01:04:16,500
Nurse, you got a... You got a big nose.

1457
01:04:16,625 --> 01:04:18,791
Okay, everything's in order.
Let's get him marked up.

1458
01:04:19,791 --> 01:04:22,791
So, we will go in
through the naval, laproscopically.

1459
01:04:23,083 --> 01:04:25,708
Then, through the incision point,
we will remove the kidney

1460
01:04:25,791 --> 01:04:27,500
and transplant it in Baby Pete.

1461
01:04:34,958 --> 01:04:36,625
Alan! Alan!

1462
01:04:51,500 --> 01:04:53,041
- Ethan?
- Mm-hmm.

1463
01:04:53,333 --> 01:04:55,541
Um, have you seen my necklace,

1464
01:04:55,916 --> 01:04:57,583
the one with the diamond pendant?

1465
01:04:59,291 --> 01:05:01,083
- Wow!
- Oh, the one with the diamond p...

1466
01:05:01,166 --> 01:05:03,541
Oh, you... you... you talkin' about this
right here?

1467
01:05:03,833 --> 01:05:06,916
I was just, um, holdin' it for you.
I was cleanin' it, actually.

1468
01:05:07,000 --> 01:05:09,375
You... You know,
you need to invest in a safe. Uh...

1469
01:05:09,458 --> 01:05:12,291
A less legitimate brother
might've stole this from you.

1470
01:05:12,375 --> 01:05:14,575
But I ain't that type of dude.
You know what I'm sayin'?

1471
01:05:14,916 --> 01:05:16,541
It's beautiful.

1472
01:05:16,833 --> 01:05:18,291
- Oh, oh!
- Look at this.

1473
01:05:18,541 --> 01:05:20,341
Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.

1474
01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:21,625
You know, that's how I do.

1475
01:05:21,708 --> 01:05:23,958
You know, I just like to paint.
It's just somethin' I do.

1476
01:05:24,041 --> 01:05:26,291
That color right there,
that's a tough one. That's...

1477
01:05:26,375 --> 01:05:27,916
That's Nose Candy White.

1478
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:30,000
And all the hoochies love that one,
you know?

1479
01:05:30,083 --> 01:05:34,041
Behind Black Bitch, Big Booty Brown,
and Ratchet Raspberry.

1480
01:05:34,125 --> 01:05:36,083
But I... I thought it was
a little inappropriate

1481
01:05:36,166 --> 01:05:38,500
to paint the baby's room Black Bitch.

1482
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:42,750
I mean, unless of course, it's a girl.
Then, you know... it may work.

1483
01:05:42,833 --> 01:05:43,916
Thank you.

1484
01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:47,791
And I-I just wanna take this time
to thank you for what you've done,

1485
01:05:47,875 --> 01:05:50,833
'cause, you know, throughout my life,
ain't nobody really ever

1486
01:05:50,916 --> 01:05:53,000
done me or treated me like... Shit!

1487
01:05:54,291 --> 01:05:56,541
Oh, Ethan.

1488
01:05:58,166 --> 01:06:00,000
What I... What I'm tryin' to say...

1489
01:06:00,500 --> 01:06:02,666
Not many people really give a fuck...

1490
01:06:02,875 --> 01:06:03,875
about me.

1491
01:06:06,583 --> 01:06:07,916
One second.

1492
01:06:08,625 --> 01:06:11,416
What I'm tryin' to say is that,
you know, I had a hard...

1493
01:06:11,500 --> 01:06:13,125
hard...

1494
01:06:13,208 --> 01:06:15,500
- It's okay.
- Hard life...

1495
01:06:21,166 --> 01:06:22,666
You're a good woman, you know?

1496
01:06:23,083 --> 01:06:25,041
You're kind, you got most of your hair.

1497
01:06:25,125 --> 01:06:28,083
- Thank you.
- Hey, look, Alan's a lucky man.

1498
01:06:28,250 --> 01:06:29,250
Yeah.

1499
01:06:29,291 --> 01:06:30,791
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! He's...

1500
01:06:30,875 --> 01:06:33,291
- Ooh.
- Look, 'cause I had some devious plans.

1501
01:06:33,375 --> 01:06:34,809
- I'm just keepin' it real.
- Uh-huh.

1502
01:06:34,833 --> 01:06:37,166
You know? What happened? Is...

1503
01:06:37,416 --> 01:06:38,892
- It's kicking.
- It's kicking?

1504
01:06:38,916 --> 01:06:40,196
Oh, you want me to kick it back?

1505
01:06:40,250 --> 01:06:41,791
- Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
- Okay.

1506
01:06:41,875 --> 01:06:44,715
Oh, you got your little... Girl, I just...
I could teach him some stuff.

1507
01:06:44,791 --> 01:06:46,250
- I know Wu-Tang and...
- Really?

1508
01:06:46,333 --> 01:06:48,500
Yeah, and Wong Chang and Chang Wong.

1509
01:06:48,583 --> 01:06:50,684
- Yeah, Ethan knows it.
- I can teach your baby to kick.

1510
01:06:50,708 --> 01:06:51,788
We could teach him to slap.

1511
01:06:51,833 --> 01:06:55,458
Ain't nobody was better at slap boxin'.
I'd slap the shit out them white boys.

1512
01:06:59,041 --> 01:07:01,875
<i>Blue team to ICU, please.
Blue team, ICU.</i>

1513
01:07:07,083 --> 01:07:08,208
Where am I?

1514
01:07:08,291 --> 01:07:09,541
Take it easy, Alan.

1515
01:07:09,625 --> 01:07:11,875
You've been out of surgery
for several hours.

1516
01:07:12,166 --> 01:07:14,666
One less kidney, but your nose
is back to normal.

1517
01:07:16,083 --> 01:07:17,083
One less...

1518
01:07:19,708 --> 01:07:21,958
Okay, calm down.

1519
01:07:22,041 --> 01:07:23,641
- It's fine. Deep breaths.
- Where is he?

1520
01:07:23,666 --> 01:07:24,791
- No, no.
- Where is he?

1521
01:07:24,875 --> 01:07:26,976
- I'm going to kill this little... Oh!
- Sir, please, no!

1522
01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:29,708
- You need to take it easy!
- Take it easy?!

1523
01:07:29,791 --> 01:07:31,208
The boy took my kidney!

1524
01:07:31,291 --> 01:07:32,625
I need my kidney.

1525
01:07:32,833 --> 01:07:35,541
I don't know what for, but I need it!
Can you put it back?

1526
01:07:35,625 --> 01:07:36,833
No. That's ridiculous.

1527
01:07:36,916 --> 01:07:38,625
Stay in bed.

1528
01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:41,041
Okay, where is he? Where's Baby Pete?

1529
01:07:41,125 --> 01:07:42,458
On a flight to Havana.

1530
01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:44,541
He took my kidney to a communist country?

1531
01:07:44,625 --> 01:07:46,041
He took a Medi-Jet this afternoon.

1532
01:07:46,125 --> 01:07:48,833
He started a crowdfunding page
for his post-op.

1533
01:07:48,916 --> 01:07:51,875
Raised $200,000.
People really love that guy.

1534
01:07:52,125 --> 01:07:54,125
I hate that guy! I'm gonna kill him.

1535
01:07:54,208 --> 01:07:56,291
- Where's my keys? Where are my keys?
- Oh!

1536
01:07:56,375 --> 01:07:58,208
Well, your sister left you this.

1537
01:08:02,750 --> 01:08:04,875
"IOU $10,000

1538
01:08:05,583 --> 01:08:07,291
and one car.

1539
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:10,583
You my boo thang four life. Dawn."

1540
01:08:11,583 --> 01:08:15,000
You don't spell "for" F-O-U-R,
you ignoramus!

1541
01:08:15,250 --> 01:08:17,333
Didn't they teach you English in jail?!

1542
01:08:17,416 --> 01:08:20,208
All right. You stay there,
and I'm gonna get the doctor.

1543
01:08:20,291 --> 01:08:21,333
Okay.

1544
01:08:23,958 --> 01:08:25,708
I'm gonna kill these people! All of 'em.

1545
01:08:26,083 --> 01:08:27,583
You gave him your kidney?

1546
01:08:27,666 --> 01:08:30,083
Well, I didn't give it to him.
He stole it.

1547
01:08:30,166 --> 01:08:31,166
Ow!

1548
01:08:31,416 --> 01:08:33,416
Well, are you okay?

1549
01:08:33,500 --> 01:08:35,125
<i>No, I'm not okay.</i>

1550
01:08:35,208 --> 01:08:37,416
Only good thing is
they fixed my broken nose.

1551
01:08:37,500 --> 01:08:40,083
Broken nose? What... What the hell
is goin' on over there?

1552
01:08:40,166 --> 01:08:42,375
I don't know.
I had all these dreams, Marie,

1553
01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:46,541
about us bein' a family and I finally
have somethin' to bring to the table.

1554
01:08:46,833 --> 01:08:48,500
<i>But you know what I learned about family?</i>

1555
01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:49,416
<i>They take.</i>

1556
01:08:49,500 --> 01:08:51,958
They take your money,
they take your car...

1557
01:08:52,041 --> 01:08:53,166
they take your kidney.

1558
01:08:53,250 --> 01:08:56,291
Look. I don't know exactly
what's going on over there,

1559
01:08:56,375 --> 01:08:58,291
but you need to get your shit together!

1560
01:08:58,375 --> 01:09:01,059
- But baby, it's not me! You don't unders...
<i>- No, no, no! I wanted you</i>

1561
01:09:01,083 --> 01:09:03,666
to find your family,
to help you fill that void.

1562
01:09:03,750 --> 01:09:05,083
And up till this very moment,

1563
01:09:05,166 --> 01:09:07,226
- I have been supportive of you.
<i>- Yes, but...</i>

1564
01:09:07,250 --> 01:09:08,458
M-Marie, you don't understand.

1565
01:09:08,541 --> 01:09:10,833
It's not me, it's these people,
this... this family!

1566
01:09:10,916 --> 01:09:11,916
They screw everything up.

1567
01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:14,500
<i>No, Alan, it is you
who is screwing everything up</i>

1568
01:09:14,583 --> 01:09:16,041
<i>with the family you have right here!</i>

1569
01:09:16,375 --> 01:09:17,916
I'm having your baby.

1570
01:09:18,000 --> 01:09:21,583
And you need to bring your ass home,
or don't bother coming home at all!

1571
01:09:22,833 --> 01:09:25,375
That might be the hormones talking,
I'm not really sure.

1572
01:09:25,458 --> 01:09:27,434
- Marie, baby, you don...
<i>- Just bring your ass home!</i>

1573
01:09:29,083 --> 01:09:30,083
Excuse me.

1574
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:31,750
Yo!

1575
01:09:32,125 --> 01:09:33,125
Uber!

1576
01:09:33,458 --> 01:09:34,458
Hey.

1577
01:09:35,916 --> 01:09:36,916
Are you for Alan?

1578
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:38,583
Uh, no, Elaine.

1579
01:09:38,958 --> 01:09:40,541
- Damn it.
- Hey, Alan!

1580
01:09:41,250 --> 01:09:42,583
Where do you think you're goin'?

1581
01:09:43,208 --> 01:09:46,958
The doctor was pretty insistent
that you stay here for at least a week.

1582
01:09:48,208 --> 01:09:49,958
You know, Alan, I've been thinking.

1583
01:09:50,083 --> 01:09:52,375
That was a pretty incredible thing
you did for Baby Pete.

1584
01:09:52,791 --> 01:09:55,125
Who gives their kidney
to somebody he just met?

1585
01:09:55,500 --> 01:09:58,750
Yeah, but then again, I did you give you
my second-to-last hard candy, so...

1586
01:09:59,291 --> 01:10:02,041
I guess we both sacrificed, huh? Heroes.

1587
01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:04,541
I'm goin' home.

1588
01:10:05,333 --> 01:10:06,500
Seriously?

1589
01:10:06,833 --> 01:10:09,333
I really woulda wish I had known
that was the case.

1590
01:10:09,750 --> 01:10:11,458
I just said goodbye to Dawn.

1591
01:10:11,958 --> 01:10:14,958
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
she would've taken us back, though.

1592
01:10:15,333 --> 01:10:16,333
"Us"?

1593
01:10:18,541 --> 01:10:19,916
Did you just say "us"?

1594
01:10:20,666 --> 01:10:24,083
Yeah, Alan. I'm not gonna abandon you
after you had a major surgery.

1595
01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:25,750
Russell...

1596
01:10:25,958 --> 01:10:27,333
there is no "us".

1597
01:10:27,833 --> 01:10:29,875
This trip is over.

1598
01:10:30,833 --> 01:10:31,833
I'm goin' home.

1599
01:10:33,125 --> 01:10:34,125
Alone.

1600
01:10:34,958 --> 01:10:37,416
Wait, so you're just gonna leave
without me?

1601
01:10:38,625 --> 01:10:39,625
We're brothers!

1602
01:10:39,708 --> 01:10:41,083
You're gonna make me say it, huh?

1603
01:10:41,166 --> 01:10:42,083
Don't hit me.

1604
01:10:42,166 --> 01:10:44,000
I never wanna see you again!

1605
01:10:44,375 --> 01:10:45,875
I don't wanna be in a car with you,

1606
01:10:46,166 --> 01:10:50,291
or any enclosed space,
with you or that supposed family,

1607
01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:51,708
for the rest of my...

1608
01:10:52,333 --> 01:10:53,791
now-shortened life.

1609
01:10:54,791 --> 01:10:57,791
Let's just go back to pretending
that neither of us even exist.

1610
01:10:59,708 --> 01:11:01,541
Is that clear enough for you, Russell?

1611
01:11:03,166 --> 01:11:04,041
Alan.

1612
01:11:04,125 --> 01:11:05,125
Finally.

1613
01:11:06,750 --> 01:11:08,708
I don't know him!
I'll use my warning whistle!

1614
01:11:25,041 --> 01:11:25,875
Hey.

1615
01:11:26,041 --> 01:11:27,333
This is my house.

1616
01:11:27,708 --> 01:11:29,375
Who the hell would bring us here?

1617
01:11:30,083 --> 01:11:31,416
I understand...

1618
01:11:31,958 --> 01:11:34,041
you're looking for me.

1619
01:11:37,708 --> 01:11:40,333
- What the hell are you doin'?
- I'm playing dead.

1620
01:11:40,416 --> 01:11:43,041
This way, he sees you're alive,
he'll kill you first,

1621
01:11:43,125 --> 01:11:45,083
buy me time to plot my escape.

1622
01:11:48,625 --> 01:11:50,083
And now...

1623
01:11:50,750 --> 01:11:52,625
you will regret...

1624
01:11:53,083 --> 01:11:55,125
that you have...

1625
01:11:55,208 --> 01:11:57,166
found...

1626
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,208
me.

1627
01:11:59,833 --> 01:12:00,833
Jaspar?

1628
01:12:00,916 --> 01:12:02,416
In the flesh.

1629
01:12:04,083 --> 01:12:05,083
Revive him.

1630
01:12:07,375 --> 01:12:10,625
Oh! That made my nipples dance.

1631
01:12:10,916 --> 01:12:12,416
I thought I was a goner.

1632
01:12:12,500 --> 01:12:14,333
Thank you, kind sir, for saving my life.

1633
01:12:14,666 --> 01:12:17,458
- I'm forever indebted...
- Enough of the buffoonery!

1634
01:12:18,083 --> 01:12:20,041
Y-You know, despite the obvious...

1635
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:22,500
we look exactly alike.

1636
01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:24,833
You and I? Hardly.

1637
01:12:25,666 --> 01:12:26,666
Us?

1638
01:12:27,166 --> 01:12:28,166
Negative.

1639
01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:30,083
You two, however...

1640
01:12:30,166 --> 01:12:31,666
It's uncanny.

1641
01:12:32,166 --> 01:12:33,291
Twinsies.

1642
01:12:33,625 --> 01:12:35,708
I find it ironic that I...

1643
01:12:36,166 --> 01:12:39,291
am the black sheep of the family.

1644
01:12:41,666 --> 01:12:43,166
Laugh!

1645
01:12:44,833 --> 01:12:46,166
I didn't... I didn't get it.

1646
01:12:46,291 --> 01:12:47,791
Laugh, Russell.

1647
01:12:50,291 --> 01:12:51,625
Get it?

1648
01:12:51,708 --> 01:12:54,000
'Cause he's really light-skinned
and yellow,

1649
01:12:54,333 --> 01:12:56,041
like jaundiced chicken or something.

1650
01:12:57,916 --> 01:12:59,416
Oh. That's not funny.

1651
01:13:01,000 --> 01:13:02,750
You know, growing up, I...

1652
01:13:03,291 --> 01:13:04,666
I never quite fit in.

1653
01:13:05,041 --> 01:13:07,416
Oh, Lord. Here we go.

1654
01:13:07,500 --> 01:13:10,333
A black kid, light skin, red hair.

1655
01:13:11,000 --> 01:13:15,208
I was called all kind of terrible,
derogatory names.

1656
01:13:16,083 --> 01:13:17,500
"Strawberry Shortcake."

1657
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:19,500
"The Butterscotch Kid."

1658
01:13:20,416 --> 01:13:22,000
"Little Orphan Annie."

1659
01:13:22,625 --> 01:13:23,708
I have to admit...

1660
01:13:24,083 --> 01:13:25,666
it was a hard-knock life.

1661
01:13:27,458 --> 01:13:29,375
They called me "ninger."

1662
01:13:29,458 --> 01:13:31,416
You know what a "ninger" is?

1663
01:13:32,041 --> 01:13:34,833
It's an "n" - word and a ginger, mixed.

1664
01:13:34,916 --> 01:13:36,416
It's good, it's good.

1665
01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:42,041
You throw two derogatory terms together
and you make me a "ninger"?

1666
01:13:44,541 --> 01:13:48,583
But despite the odds, I found my place...

1667
01:13:49,958 --> 01:13:51,041
in the world.

1668
01:13:51,125 --> 01:13:52,791
You see, gentlemen,

1669
01:13:52,875 --> 01:13:56,875
I collect sensitive information
for high net-worth individuals,

1670
01:13:57,250 --> 01:13:58,333
and the government,

1671
01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:01,666
and I've run the occasional
offshore black site,

1672
01:14:01,750 --> 01:14:04,166
but that was just really
for my entertainment.

1673
01:14:05,833 --> 01:14:07,333
So, you're a spy?

1674
01:14:07,416 --> 01:14:09,625
Officially, I don't exist.

1675
01:14:10,916 --> 01:14:11,833
Cool!

1676
01:14:11,916 --> 01:14:13,583
Yet, your wife...

1677
01:14:15,791 --> 01:14:19,833
called The Pentagon about me, seven times.

1678
01:14:19,916 --> 01:14:21,333
She's just persistent.

1679
01:14:21,625 --> 01:14:24,208
And that raises red flags, Alan.

1680
01:14:24,708 --> 01:14:26,541
I don't like red flags.

1681
01:14:26,625 --> 01:14:28,833
Gonna have to agree with Jaspar
on that one.

1682
01:14:28,916 --> 01:14:30,500
Red flags are not good.

1683
01:14:30,583 --> 01:14:32,250
Would you shut the fuck up?

1684
01:14:32,333 --> 01:14:33,958
You shut up.

1685
01:14:37,208 --> 01:14:40,291
Why are you...

1686
01:14:40,750 --> 01:14:42,166
trying...

1687
01:14:43,625 --> 01:14:45,541
to find me?

1688
01:14:45,625 --> 01:14:48,708
I-I just wanted to meet my family,
so I tracked down our birth mother,

1689
01:14:48,791 --> 01:14:50,125
but she was dead.

1690
01:14:50,458 --> 01:14:52,125
- That's the truth!
- Lies!

1691
01:14:52,666 --> 01:14:54,541
He has a really juicy mouth, right?

1692
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:58,375
- I gotta teach you the hard way.
- What's that? What's that box?

1693
01:14:58,708 --> 01:15:01,583
- Liar, liar...
- I'm not lying! I swear.

1694
01:15:01,666 --> 01:15:05,125
- What's that? What's that?
- ...pants on fire.

1695
01:15:05,875 --> 01:15:07,916
You gonna attach that to my balls?
Wait, wait, wait!

1696
01:15:08,000 --> 01:15:09,120
Okay, listen. I'm not lyin'.

1697
01:15:09,166 --> 01:15:10,041
I'm having a baby!

1698
01:15:10,125 --> 01:15:11,958
You won't have no baby no more.

1699
01:15:12,041 --> 01:15:13,208
And Russell, well,

1700
01:15:13,291 --> 01:15:15,833
- he got so much TV left to watch.
- I do.

1701
01:15:15,916 --> 01:15:18,083
I don't think he's seen anything
after 1984.

1702
01:15:20,958 --> 01:15:22,750
Television. Huh.

1703
01:15:24,333 --> 01:15:26,791
So, uh, what's your favorite show?

1704
01:15:27,166 --> 01:15:28,166
Ooh.

1705
01:15:28,208 --> 01:15:30,333
<i>The Rockford Files.</i>

1706
01:15:31,125 --> 01:15:33,041
Oh!

1707
01:15:33,541 --> 01:15:35,375
<i>Rockford Files.</i>

1708
01:15:35,458 --> 01:15:37,041
- Mm-hmm.
- Here's a fun fact.

1709
01:15:37,458 --> 01:15:41,708
I am the largest collector
of <i>Rockford</i> memorabilia

1710
01:15:42,083 --> 01:15:44,166
this side of the Western Hemisphere!

1711
01:15:44,250 --> 01:15:45,333
Impressive.

1712
01:15:45,416 --> 01:15:46,416
In fact...

1713
01:15:46,708 --> 01:15:49,333
I own the original picture car.

1714
01:15:49,416 --> 01:15:50,250
Braggart.

1715
01:15:50,333 --> 01:15:53,458
Y-You know, Russell owns
the only existing copy

1716
01:15:53,541 --> 01:15:55,250
of the operating manual for that car.

1717
01:15:55,583 --> 01:15:56,583
Don't you, Russell?

1718
01:15:57,750 --> 01:15:58,583
Does he?

1719
01:15:58,666 --> 01:16:01,333
Some stupid rich guy
keeps trying to get it from me,

1720
01:16:01,416 --> 01:16:02,833
and I tell him, "No, idiot."

1721
01:16:03,916 --> 01:16:05,458
You're the one.

1722
01:16:05,541 --> 01:16:07,333
- Oh, it's you.
- Uh-oh.

1723
01:16:07,416 --> 01:16:09,250
I've been lookin' for that.

1724
01:16:09,333 --> 01:16:12,000
- I'm gonna fry your fat balls!
- I-I-I... Wait. Hold on.

1725
01:16:12,083 --> 01:16:16,000
Listen, I can vocalize the theme song
to <i>Rockford Files</i> with near perfect pitch.

1726
01:16:16,083 --> 01:16:16,916
Who cares?

1727
01:16:25,041 --> 01:16:26,250
Take it away, Alan!

1728
01:16:30,041 --> 01:16:33,000
Oh.

1729
01:16:35,875 --> 01:16:36,708
Take it away, Jack!

1730
01:17:00,416 --> 01:17:01,416
Ow!

1731
01:17:03,583 --> 01:17:05,583
Let 'em go! Untie 'em!

1732
01:17:05,666 --> 01:17:07,166
Thank you.

1733
01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:11,666
And to think, I was gonna kill ya.

1734
01:17:12,250 --> 01:17:15,666
But you still haven't told me the truth!

1735
01:17:15,750 --> 01:17:16,916
Wh-whoa!

1736
01:17:17,000 --> 01:17:18,541
What are you doin'? This is crazy!

1737
01:17:18,625 --> 01:17:21,458
"Crazy" is being raised

1738
01:17:21,541 --> 01:17:23,125
in a State home

1739
01:17:23,208 --> 01:17:27,708
by government psychiatrists
that lie about who you are!

1740
01:17:28,041 --> 01:17:29,041
Okay, that's crazy.

1741
01:17:29,083 --> 01:17:32,666
Never feeling the embrace
of your mother.

1742
01:17:33,958 --> 01:17:36,625
Not one frickin' hug, Alan.

1743
01:17:36,791 --> 01:17:38,041
Not one.

1744
01:17:38,875 --> 01:17:41,958
Well, as the only one here who has
received the embrace of his mother,

1745
01:17:42,375 --> 01:17:44,041
I'll tell you, hugs are overrated

1746
01:17:44,416 --> 01:17:46,625
and a breeding ground for diseases.

1747
01:17:47,083 --> 01:17:48,916
Shut the hell up!

1748
01:17:49,166 --> 01:17:50,625
Besides, Mama smells weird.

1749
01:17:51,083 --> 01:17:53,541
Like moth balls and used floss string.

1750
01:17:53,625 --> 01:17:55,666
Now it's time...

1751
01:17:56,333 --> 01:17:57,916
to say your goodbyes.

1752
01:17:58,000 --> 01:17:58,916
Jaspar, please.

1753
01:17:59,000 --> 01:17:59,875
Bye, Alan.

1754
01:17:59,958 --> 01:18:01,708
Please, please, please.

1755
01:18:03,375 --> 01:18:07,166
What in the highest heavens is goin' on?

1756
01:18:07,750 --> 01:18:09,250
Russell, I know this ain't no party,

1757
01:18:09,333 --> 01:18:11,041
'cause you ain't got no damn friends.

1758
01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:12,166
Aw, Mother.

1759
01:18:12,708 --> 01:18:13,791
What're you doing home?

1760
01:18:13,875 --> 01:18:14,875
Mother?

1761
01:18:14,958 --> 01:18:17,166
Yeah, there was an <i>E. coli</i> outbreak
on the cruise ship,

1762
01:18:17,250 --> 01:18:18,791
so they let us off in Ensenada.

1763
01:18:19,291 --> 01:18:22,375
Now, somebody need to start talkin'
before I get my belt.

1764
01:18:22,833 --> 01:18:24,500
Or worse, my shotgun.

1765
01:18:25,458 --> 01:18:27,041
I-I thought you was dead.

1766
01:18:27,125 --> 01:18:28,500
That's news to me.

1767
01:18:31,333 --> 01:18:32,333
I'm Alan.

1768
01:18:33,958 --> 01:18:34,958
I'm your son.

1769
01:18:35,375 --> 01:18:37,000
My Lord. Alan?

1770
01:18:38,291 --> 01:18:40,291
Oh, my God. My baby?

1771
01:18:41,083 --> 01:18:43,166
Look at you. You all growed up.

1772
01:18:44,083 --> 01:18:46,083
So tall and handsome.

1773
01:18:46,708 --> 01:18:48,833
You look just like your brother.

1774
01:18:49,583 --> 01:18:51,291
I told you. Twinsies.

1775
01:18:51,375 --> 01:18:52,958
Same hairline and everything.

1776
01:18:53,416 --> 01:18:55,208
Oh, it's uncanny!

1777
01:18:55,791 --> 01:18:58,458
Oh, so good to see you. Come here.

1778
01:18:59,041 --> 01:19:00,791
Oh!

1779
01:19:00,875 --> 01:19:03,708
- Feels so good to have you in my arms!
- Mom...

1780
01:19:03,791 --> 01:19:05,458
It's been so long.

1781
01:19:05,541 --> 01:19:08,833
Hey, Alan, you smell it? You smell
the moth balls and the dentures?

1782
01:19:08,958 --> 01:19:11,250
Just breathe them bosom scents. Yes!

1783
01:19:11,333 --> 01:19:13,453
Okay, okay, that's enough, Mother.

1784
01:19:16,750 --> 01:19:18,375
I just got carried away.

1785
01:19:20,833 --> 01:19:22,208
Who stepped on a cat?

1786
01:19:24,708 --> 01:19:25,708
Oh, Jaspar.

1787
01:19:28,208 --> 01:19:30,375
Oh, my Lord. Jaspar?

1788
01:19:30,458 --> 01:19:32,166
Yes, Mother.

1789
01:19:32,625 --> 01:19:35,166
I'd recognize that face anywhere.

1790
01:19:35,833 --> 01:19:37,083
You do? Oh, Mother!

1791
01:19:37,416 --> 01:19:40,000
Oh, you got all the Irish in you, boy.

1792
01:19:40,375 --> 01:19:41,375
One thirty-fourth.

1793
01:19:41,791 --> 01:19:45,125
Look at you with all them
beautiful pink undertones,

1794
01:19:45,208 --> 01:19:47,666
with your honey-almond complexion.

1795
01:19:48,291 --> 01:19:50,958
Look at my lilttle redbone. Mm-mm.

1796
01:19:51,041 --> 01:19:52,750
Now, put that goddamn gun down,

1797
01:19:52,833 --> 01:19:55,708
- 'fore I spank the pink out yo ass!
- I'm sorry, Mother. I'm so sorry.

1798
01:19:55,791 --> 01:19:57,416
Who the hell you think you are?

1799
01:19:57,666 --> 01:19:58,958
I've been a bad boy.

1800
01:19:59,041 --> 01:19:59,916
Yes, you have.

1801
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:01,291
I think I need a whooping.

1802
01:20:01,375 --> 01:20:04,916
You could just spank me
all over my little red tushie.

1803
01:20:06,666 --> 01:20:08,000
- Oh, baby.
- Oh, Mother.

1804
01:20:08,083 --> 01:20:09,541
It's not your fault, honey.

1805
01:20:09,875 --> 01:20:11,083
It's not your fault.

1806
01:20:11,166 --> 01:20:13,750
Oh, Mother. Your big man hands.

1807
01:20:13,833 --> 01:20:16,125
Mama should've know
something like this was gonna happen.

1808
01:20:16,833 --> 01:20:19,666
You all were just babies when I...

1809
01:20:20,041 --> 01:20:22,625
dropped you off
like an old bag of dirty clothes.

1810
01:20:23,833 --> 01:20:24,833
I was young.

1811
01:20:25,125 --> 01:20:28,041
A single mom with six babies. No husband.

1812
01:20:28,125 --> 01:20:29,625
No family.

1813
01:20:30,250 --> 01:20:31,291
I had no one.

1814
01:20:31,375 --> 01:20:32,791
It's such a stereotype.

1815
01:20:33,250 --> 01:20:34,083
It's okay.

1816
01:20:34,166 --> 01:20:37,208
'Cause now all y'all have each other.

1817
01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:38,625
Thanks to you, Alan.

1818
01:20:40,166 --> 01:20:42,250
So, why would you tell me she was dead?

1819
01:20:42,333 --> 01:20:43,583
All right, Alan, listen.

1820
01:20:44,083 --> 01:20:46,458
When you said you were my brother,
I panicked.

1821
01:20:46,541 --> 01:20:48,666
I thought you was trying
to take Mother from me.

1822
01:20:48,750 --> 01:20:49,875
Oh, baby.

1823
01:20:49,958 --> 01:20:51,791
So, why would you come along?

1824
01:20:51,875 --> 01:20:53,875
When I found out
there was more of you...

1825
01:20:53,958 --> 01:20:54,958
Well, "us"...

1826
01:20:55,250 --> 01:20:56,541
I had to see for myself.

1827
01:20:57,000 --> 01:20:58,000
And, well...

1828
01:20:58,125 --> 01:20:59,708
since we hit the road together,

1829
01:20:59,958 --> 01:21:02,208
I've done things
I've only seen on television.

1830
01:21:04,375 --> 01:21:05,375
Alan...

1831
01:21:05,833 --> 01:21:07,291
these past few days...

1832
01:21:07,791 --> 01:21:09,458
were the greatest of my life.

1833
01:21:10,166 --> 01:21:13,166
And I know
I'm not the family that you wanted...

1834
01:21:13,958 --> 01:21:15,541
But you're the family I got.

1835
01:21:16,166 --> 01:21:17,166
Wow.

1836
01:21:17,583 --> 01:21:20,166
This remind me
of all those classic sitcom finales.

1837
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:23,083
Make you feel all warm and tingly inside.

1838
01:21:26,583 --> 01:21:27,583
Bros?

1839
01:21:28,791 --> 01:21:29,791
Bros.

1840
01:21:31,583 --> 01:21:32,666
Look at my baby.

1841
01:21:32,750 --> 01:21:35,958
I'm so glad y'all made up, 'cause I was
about to make y'all kiss on the mouth.

1842
01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:38,583
- That's how we do.
- I want a kiss on the mouth.

1843
01:21:38,666 --> 01:21:40,833
Well, Mom, I guess if I'm gonna have
a first kiss,

1844
01:21:40,916 --> 01:21:42,541
- why not it be Alan?
- No!

1845
01:21:42,625 --> 01:21:45,145
I always thought it was gonna be
with Tootie from <i>Facts of Life.</i>

1846
01:21:45,208 --> 01:21:47,368
I never thought my first kiss

1847
01:21:47,416 --> 01:21:49,458
- would be with my brother. Ready?
- Excuse me.

1848
01:21:49,583 --> 01:21:51,083
Marie. You're not gonna believe this,

1849
01:21:51,166 --> 01:21:53,486
but I was on my way home,
and I got kidnapped. Crazy, ri...

1850
01:21:53,541 --> 01:21:55,125
- <i>My water broke.</i>
- Your what?

1851
01:21:55,416 --> 01:21:56,791
My water broke!

1852
01:21:56,875 --> 01:21:58,750
You gotta get to the hospital.

1853
01:21:58,833 --> 01:22:02,541
I got you a long t-shirt that says,
"Mom Hair, Don't Care."

1854
01:22:02,625 --> 01:22:04,705
All I need is some weed
'cause I'm a little stressed.

1855
01:22:04,750 --> 01:22:07,750
Alan, get back here! Do you hear me?

1856
01:22:07,833 --> 01:22:09,083
I'm havin' the baby!

1857
01:22:09,166 --> 01:22:10,416
<i>Get back here!</i>

1858
01:22:10,500 --> 01:22:11,875
O-Okay.

1859
01:22:14,291 --> 01:22:15,291
It's Marie.

1860
01:22:15,458 --> 01:22:16,500
She's in labor.

1861
01:22:16,833 --> 01:22:17,875
The baby's comin'!

1862
01:22:17,958 --> 01:22:18,833
- Oh, wow!
- Yippee!

1863
01:22:18,916 --> 01:22:20,750
Lord, God is good. I'm gonna be a grandma!

1864
01:22:20,833 --> 01:22:22,875
I'm gonna be an uncle! Uncle Russell.

1865
01:22:23,291 --> 01:22:24,291
Terrible name.

1866
01:22:24,500 --> 01:22:25,666
Hey, Alan.

1867
01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:27,041
Take my car.

1868
01:22:28,875 --> 01:22:29,875
Thanks...

1869
01:22:30,125 --> 01:22:30,958
bro.

1870
01:22:31,041 --> 01:22:33,375
I'll stay with Mother. Maybe get that hug.

1871
01:22:33,833 --> 01:22:35,875
Oh, that's so sweet of you, baby.

1872
01:22:35,958 --> 01:22:38,000
If you scratch it, I'll kill ya.

1873
01:22:39,375 --> 01:22:41,458
I was just joshin'.

1874
01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:43,833
No, I'm not.

1875
01:22:44,166 --> 01:22:45,958
Come on, Alan. Let's ride!

1876
01:22:46,041 --> 01:22:47,291
Come on, Russell. Come on!

1877
01:22:47,375 --> 01:22:48,208
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, Mom!

1878
01:22:48,291 --> 01:22:51,171
And make sure you change your underwear.
You know you got that high-wipe!

1879
01:22:55,666 --> 01:22:57,250
Oh, shit!

1880
01:22:57,333 --> 01:23:02,583
A gold 1976 Pontiac Firebird Esprit!

1881
01:23:02,666 --> 01:23:04,500
The same one driven in...

1882
01:23:04,583 --> 01:23:06,541
<i>The Rockford Files!</i>

1883
01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:10,958
- Come on, Russell. Let's go.
- No, Alan.

1884
01:23:13,375 --> 01:23:14,708
I'll drive.

1885
01:23:21,041 --> 01:23:21,875
Hood slide!

1886
01:23:23,666 --> 01:23:24,666
Russell!

1887
01:23:25,291 --> 01:23:26,125
I'm okay.

1888
01:23:26,208 --> 01:23:27,250
What are you doing?

1889
01:23:27,625 --> 01:23:29,125
I always wanted to do that.

1890
01:23:29,500 --> 01:23:30,875
You're on the wrong side.

1891
01:23:30,958 --> 01:23:31,958
Oh.

1892
01:23:37,166 --> 01:23:38,166
Buckle up.

1893
01:23:38,958 --> 01:23:40,875
'Cause we're about to take off!

1894
01:23:47,833 --> 01:23:49,041
Sorry, Miss Gallagher!

1895
01:23:52,916 --> 01:23:54,708
Keep it between the lines, Russell!

1896
01:23:54,916 --> 01:23:57,708
Yeah, well, there's only so much
you could learn from a manual, Alan.

1897
01:24:18,166 --> 01:24:19,500
Go around. Go around 'em!

1898
01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:25,500
Uh-oh! Here comes the fuzz.

1899
01:24:25,583 --> 01:24:27,000
Russell, go! Go, go, go!

1900
01:24:32,666 --> 01:24:35,083
Don't worry, Alan.
They'll never take us alive!

1901
01:24:35,166 --> 01:24:36,208
That's the idea! Let's go!

1902
01:24:36,291 --> 01:24:39,750
Well, they won't take you alive,
but I'm gonna surrender. Sorry.

1903
01:24:50,250 --> 01:24:51,333
Hold on, Alan!

1904
01:24:52,208 --> 01:24:54,041
Aah!

1905
01:24:55,500 --> 01:24:56,625
Watch out, coming through!

1906
01:24:56,708 --> 01:24:57,908
Watch the car!

1907
01:24:59,708 --> 01:25:00,625
- Oh!
- Move!

1908
01:25:01,750 --> 01:25:04,208
Alan, all these cars
are going the wrong way!

1909
01:25:04,291 --> 01:25:05,583
No, you're goin' the wrong way!

1910
01:25:07,625 --> 01:25:08,458
My bad!

1911
01:25:10,625 --> 01:25:13,250
This is like <i>Dukes of Hazzard</i>
without the racist car.

1912
01:25:21,750 --> 01:25:23,875
- All right, Alan. Hospital's coming up!
- Okay.

1913
01:25:26,333 --> 01:25:29,083
I'm gonna slow down a little,
and I need you to tuck and roll.

1914
01:25:29,166 --> 01:25:31,375
What? You want me
to jump out of a moving car?

1915
01:25:31,458 --> 01:25:33,583
It worked for Jim Rockford every time!

1916
01:25:33,666 --> 01:25:34,666
I ain't Rockford!

1917
01:25:37,750 --> 01:25:39,208
Now, do it! Go!

1918
01:25:40,541 --> 01:25:42,375
Whoo!

1919
01:25:43,541 --> 01:25:44,375
Oh!

1920
01:25:44,458 --> 01:25:45,875
It worked.

1921
01:25:51,083 --> 01:25:52,708
Not today, fuzz.

1922
01:25:57,833 --> 01:25:59,125
Aah!

1923
01:26:02,000 --> 01:26:04,375
That was a J-turn! I did a J-turn!

1924
01:26:04,458 --> 01:26:05,458
Go!

1925
01:26:11,000 --> 01:26:12,750
Eat my dust, copper!

1926
01:26:20,000 --> 01:26:22,333
I'm looking for my wife,
Marie Daniels?

1927
01:26:22,416 --> 01:26:23,576
- Right in there.
- Thank you.

1928
01:26:23,625 --> 01:26:24,625
Mm-hmm.

1929
01:26:24,916 --> 01:26:26,356
Doc, you got the good angle.

1930
01:26:26,416 --> 01:26:28,041
Alan! Glad you could join us.

1931
01:26:28,125 --> 01:26:29,125
Alan!

1932
01:26:29,166 --> 01:26:31,375
- Baby's a little early, but it looks good.
- Oh!

1933
01:26:31,458 --> 01:26:33,041
Your brother's been a big help.

1934
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:34,833
Ethan?

1935
01:26:34,916 --> 01:26:36,716
- What's up, bro?
- You're doing great, Marie.

1936
01:26:36,791 --> 01:26:37,625
Keep breathing.

1937
01:26:37,708 --> 01:26:39,666
Wow! The resemblance is...

1938
01:26:40,791 --> 01:26:42,500
uncanny.

1939
01:26:42,916 --> 01:26:44,708
Man, we look just alike!

1940
01:26:45,083 --> 01:26:46,958
I mean, if somebody just...

1941
01:26:47,041 --> 01:26:48,583
sucked all the cool out of me,

1942
01:26:48,666 --> 01:26:50,291
and I was a law-abiding citizen,

1943
01:26:50,583 --> 01:26:51,958
and I didn't kick puppies,

1944
01:26:52,208 --> 01:26:54,416
- or try to drown goldfish.
- Hey!

1945
01:26:54,791 --> 01:26:57,875
- I'm having a baby here. If you could...
- Oh, hey. Hey, honey.

1946
01:26:57,958 --> 01:26:59,208
- Baby.
<i>- Code Red.</i>

1947
01:26:59,291 --> 01:27:00,625
<i>- Code Red.</i>
- Hi, baby.

1948
01:27:00,708 --> 01:27:03,125
<i>Labor and Delivery is locked down
under police order.</i>

1949
01:27:03,208 --> 01:27:06,541
Okay. Not to make it weird,
but I'mma need you to speed things up.

1950
01:27:07,000 --> 01:27:09,500
I may be spendin' the first year
of the baby's life in prison.

1951
01:27:09,583 --> 01:27:10,500
- What?
- No biggie.

1952
01:27:10,583 --> 01:27:12,143
No biggie. It's okay, baby.

1953
01:27:13,375 --> 01:27:15,416
Damn. It's the po-po.

1954
01:27:15,500 --> 01:27:16,500
Fo sho-sho.

1955
01:27:17,375 --> 01:27:18,916
Why is the po-po after you?

1956
01:27:19,000 --> 01:27:22,000
Uh, speeding, reckless driving,
possible vehicular assault.

1957
01:27:22,583 --> 01:27:23,833
We was in a high-speed chase.

1958
01:27:23,916 --> 01:27:26,375
Oh! Respects, my G.

1959
01:27:26,458 --> 01:27:28,291
- What?
- It's okay, we got away.

1960
01:27:28,375 --> 01:27:29,250
Well, almost.

1961
01:27:31,083 --> 01:27:32,416
You know what? Look here.

1962
01:27:32,958 --> 01:27:35,875
You gotta be here for Marie and that baby.

1963
01:27:37,375 --> 01:27:38,541
I'mma need your pants.

1964
01:27:39,041 --> 01:27:40,083
My pants?

1965
01:27:40,916 --> 01:27:42,876
You are doing so good.
You're doing great.

1966
01:27:42,958 --> 01:27:43,958
Hey, Ethan.

1967
01:27:44,208 --> 01:27:46,708
Thank you so much, man.
I really appreciate this.

1968
01:27:46,791 --> 01:27:49,166
Hey, man. Ain't no thang
but a chicken wang.

1969
01:27:49,375 --> 01:27:50,375
We family, right?

1970
01:27:50,750 --> 01:27:52,791
Hey, about that partnership at work?

1971
01:27:53,291 --> 01:27:54,208
You welcome.

1972
01:27:55,541 --> 01:27:57,000
You feel me?

1973
01:27:58,791 --> 01:28:00,791
Oh! Gross.

1974
01:28:01,083 --> 01:28:02,958
Hey, hey.

1975
01:28:03,041 --> 01:28:05,250
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, Ponch! John!

1976
01:28:05,541 --> 01:28:07,291
Come get your boy. Come on.

1977
01:28:07,375 --> 01:28:09,416
Oh!

1978
01:28:10,625 --> 01:28:12,541
Okay. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, okay, okay.

1979
01:28:12,625 --> 01:28:14,875
Okay, I'm here. Listen, listen.

1980
01:28:14,958 --> 01:28:16,500
I just want to say I'm so sorry.

1981
01:28:16,583 --> 01:28:18,500
Okay, I got so caught up
meetin' my new family,

1982
01:28:18,583 --> 01:28:21,500
I forgot to appreciate
the one I have right here at home.

1983
01:28:21,666 --> 01:28:23,833
I will never do it again, I promise.

1984
01:28:23,916 --> 01:28:25,916
I'm pretty sure when the drugs wear off,

1985
01:28:26,125 --> 01:28:29,500
I'm gonna be so mad at you,
and I'mma wanna bang you in the face.

1986
01:28:29,583 --> 01:28:31,583
But I'm just so happy
to have you here.

1987
01:28:31,666 --> 01:28:33,041
Always. Always.

1988
01:28:33,458 --> 01:28:35,125
All right, Marie. I can see the head.

1989
01:28:35,208 --> 01:28:36,416
Just give me one more push.

1990
01:28:36,500 --> 01:28:38,267
- Okay. Okay.
- Ready? Come on, we'll breathe.

1991
01:28:38,291 --> 01:28:39,541
One, two, three.

1992
01:28:40,833 --> 01:28:41,666
- Push!
- Come on.

1993
01:28:56,666 --> 01:28:59,416
I watch a lot
of <i>Murder, She Wrote</i> on this new iPad.

1994
01:28:59,500 --> 01:29:01,833
- Hey, Douglas.
- It's like having a TV in your pocket.

1995
01:29:01,916 --> 01:29:03,083
Babies, be careful!

1996
01:29:03,166 --> 01:29:05,958
Now, you know there's avocado
in that nine-month layer dip.

1997
01:29:06,041 --> 01:29:08,333
I knew it. I knew it.

1998
01:29:08,750 --> 01:29:10,166
That is just nasty.

1999
01:29:10,250 --> 01:29:11,083
What the hell?

2000
01:29:11,166 --> 01:29:12,000
Gross.

2001
01:29:12,083 --> 01:29:14,625
And why the hell
is there nine layers in a dip?

2002
01:29:14,708 --> 01:29:17,208
Everybody know
dip only supposed to have seven layers.

2003
01:29:17,291 --> 01:29:18,125
True.

2004
01:29:18,208 --> 01:29:20,726
- After that, you just repeating.
- Worse than being waterboarded.

2005
01:29:20,750 --> 01:29:21,875
That's white people dip.

2006
01:29:21,958 --> 01:29:25,000
Now, Ethan, hush your mouth.
You know these negroes are bougie.

2007
01:29:25,083 --> 01:29:27,250
And Russell, you be careful.
It makes you colic-y.

2008
01:29:27,333 --> 01:29:28,458
- Eww.
- Okay, Mom.

2009
01:29:28,541 --> 01:29:30,000
Why you wearing corduroy?

2010
01:29:30,083 --> 01:29:32,458
- You make my balls stink.
- Stop, Dawn.

2011
01:29:32,791 --> 01:29:35,500
- I want to play Candy Land.
- Welcome to Wakanda!

2012
01:29:37,208 --> 01:29:40,833
Uh, baby, I think
I should do somethin' about the dip.

2013
01:29:41,250 --> 01:29:42,916
Who doesn't like avocado?

2014
01:29:43,000 --> 01:29:44,333
Oh, that's a family trait.

2015
01:29:44,625 --> 01:29:46,250
That's right, baby.

2016
01:29:46,541 --> 01:29:47,541
I'll help you, Mom.

2017
01:29:47,625 --> 01:29:48,875
- Want to take her?
- Yeah.

2018
01:29:49,291 --> 01:29:50,833
- She's all yours.
- I got her.

2019
01:29:50,916 --> 01:29:52,875
Hey, where the Domino's at?

2020
01:29:52,958 --> 01:29:55,118
What kind of black barbecue
ain't got no damn Domino's?

2021
01:29:55,166 --> 01:29:58,086
Looks like I brought a little bit more
to the table than you thought, huh?

2022
01:29:58,125 --> 01:30:00,291
Well, a couple of 'em
look like they should be in jail.

2023
01:30:00,375 --> 01:30:01,416
- Hey, man!
- Candy Land!

2024
01:30:01,500 --> 01:30:02,500
Yes, let's do this!

2025
01:30:05,416 --> 01:30:08,333
Should be? A couple of them have been.

2026
01:30:09,083 --> 01:30:11,333
But you know what? That's my family.

2027
01:30:12,125 --> 01:30:15,833
And I'm gonna teach this little girl
to love her family unconditionally.

2028
01:30:19,416 --> 01:30:22,541
Bro, I just want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart

2029
01:30:22,625 --> 01:30:24,291
for what you did for this family.

2030
01:30:24,375 --> 01:30:26,625
- You gonna be an amazing daddy.
- Thank you.

2031
01:30:26,708 --> 01:30:28,375
Even though our father wasn't shit.

2032
01:30:28,750 --> 01:30:30,916
Aw, thanks, Dawn.
That was almost emotional.

2033
01:30:31,375 --> 01:30:34,125
Now, as for you, Uncle Ben.

2034
01:30:34,208 --> 01:30:37,250
Let me tell you somethin'.
I don't care what kind of judge you are,

2035
01:30:37,333 --> 01:30:39,583
Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold,

2036
01:30:39,666 --> 01:30:40,875
Ashley Judge,

2037
01:30:40,958 --> 01:30:42,833
it don't make no difference to me.

2038
01:30:42,916 --> 01:30:45,625
Don't be throwin' shade
at my brother, okay?

2039
01:30:45,708 --> 01:30:47,875
'Cause I don't mind goin' to jail.

2040
01:30:47,958 --> 01:30:50,916
- I like jail.
- Uh, easy there, easy now.

2041
01:30:53,083 --> 01:30:54,250
For life, bro.

2042
01:30:55,875 --> 01:30:56,875
For life.

2043
01:30:57,541 --> 01:30:59,083
- For life, sis.
- That's how we do.

2044
01:30:59,458 --> 01:31:01,416
Look at me. I'm watchin' you.

2045
01:31:03,750 --> 01:31:05,916
I-I think she just threatened me, Alan.

2046
01:31:06,000 --> 01:31:07,875
Oh, that sounded more like a promise.

2047
01:31:08,125 --> 01:31:10,500
You want me to tell her back off?

2048
01:31:10,583 --> 01:31:12,666
Well, if you would be so kind. I mean...

2049
01:31:12,750 --> 01:31:14,083
Are you askin' me for a favor?

2050
01:31:14,166 --> 01:31:17,166
- Uh... what?
- You know, 'cause it sounded like a favor.

2051
01:31:17,250 --> 01:31:19,958
Oh, no. Just... just a gesture,
a kind gesture on your part.

2052
01:31:20,041 --> 01:31:22,375
Well, if you're askin' me for a favor,
I'd like to hear it.

2053
01:31:23,583 --> 01:31:24,416
Dawn!

2054
01:31:24,500 --> 01:31:26,791
As a favor to me,
would you ask her to back off, Alan?

2055
01:31:28,625 --> 01:31:29,625
I got you.

2056
01:31:29,666 --> 01:31:31,291
Hey, Alan! Quick, come here!

2057
01:31:31,375 --> 01:31:33,458
Baby Pete wants to say "hi" to his niece.

2058
01:31:33,750 --> 01:31:35,375
And you could say "hi" to your kidney.

2059
01:31:35,458 --> 01:31:37,618
Come on, bring that little nappyhead baby
on over here!

2060
01:31:37,666 --> 01:31:38,708
Oh, leave that baby alone.

2061
01:31:38,791 --> 01:31:42,166
- All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'!
- Wait, wait, let me... Let me hold her.

2062
01:31:42,708 --> 01:31:44,583
- Give my regards to Peter.
- Hi, Pee-pee!

2063
01:31:44,666 --> 01:31:45,666
Hey, Pee-pee.

2064
01:31:46,083 --> 01:31:48,958
<i>Aw, man, she got my face.</i>

2065
01:31:49,041 --> 01:31:50,166
Yeah, and your height.

2066
01:31:52,250 --> 01:31:53,541
<i>Salud!</i>

2067
01:31:55,291 --> 01:31:57,041
Are you drinking with my kidney?

2068
01:31:57,125 --> 01:32:00,000
<i>Oh, get over it, Alan.
You ain't gettin' it back!</i>

2069
01:32:00,083 --> 01:32:01,083
I'mma take it back.

2070
01:32:01,125 --> 01:32:03,041
<i>Oh, you got to find me first!</i>

2071
01:32:04,666 --> 01:32:07,083
I know exactly where he's at.
His coordinates are right here.

2072
01:32:07,166 --> 01:32:09,333
I've a drone in the area.
Want me to send in a strike?

2073
01:32:09,416 --> 01:32:11,541
- I will, I could do it.
- Hey, Mama.

2074
01:32:12,541 --> 01:32:13,666
Oh, my Lord.

2075
01:32:14,291 --> 01:32:15,541
Is that my Baby Pete?

2076
01:32:15,833 --> 01:32:17,041
<i>Hey, Mama!</i>

2077
01:32:18,041 --> 01:32:21,458
Got all my babies together
at the same time?

2078
01:32:21,541 --> 01:32:24,041
Oh, Lord heard my prayer.

2079
01:32:24,125 --> 01:32:27,125
I went to church Sunday through Wednesday
for this moment.

2080
01:32:27,208 --> 01:32:28,416
Mama! Mama!

2081
01:32:28,500 --> 01:32:31,458
Mama's good now. Mama's good.
I'm just overwhelmed with emotion.

2082
01:32:31,541 --> 01:32:33,333
If she dies, I get the jewelry.

2083
01:32:33,416 --> 01:32:35,416
She's just feelin' the spirit of the Lord.

2084
01:32:35,500 --> 01:32:37,666
I'm gettin' emotional here.

2085
01:32:40,416 --> 01:32:41,958
Family photo time, y'all!

2086
01:32:42,083 --> 01:32:45,291
If it's not on the 'Gram, it's a scam!

2087
01:32:45,750 --> 01:32:47,666
Now, come on, babies. Come on.

2088
01:32:48,500 --> 01:32:49,500
Ow!

2089
01:32:49,541 --> 01:32:50,541
Thank you.

2090
01:32:50,625 --> 01:32:51,875
What'd you hit me for?

2091
01:32:52,208 --> 01:32:54,375
It's not nice. I'm tellin' Mother.

2092
01:32:54,458 --> 01:32:56,291
Mother! Ethan hit me!

2093
01:32:56,791 --> 01:32:58,625
I hate having brothers and sisters.

2094
01:32:59,166 --> 01:33:00,916
I want to be an only child again!

2095
01:33:01,208 --> 01:33:03,625
Bring it on in, fam. Bring it on in.

2096
01:33:04,041 --> 01:33:05,791
Russell, Russell, pay attention.

2097
01:33:05,875 --> 01:33:08,416
I want to see everybody in there.
Miss Lynette, bring it in.

2098
01:33:08,500 --> 01:33:11,017
This reminds me of the school picture
episode of <i>Eight Is Enough</i>

2099
01:33:11,041 --> 01:33:13,541
- where a young Nicholas Bradford...
- Shut the hell up!

2100
01:33:13,625 --> 01:33:14,625
Hush!

2101
01:33:16,083 --> 01:33:17,083
You shut up.

2102
01:33:17,541 --> 01:33:18,541
Not you, Mom.

2103
01:33:18,916 --> 01:33:22,125
Okay, on three, two, one...

2104
01:33:22,541 --> 01:33:24,041
Family!

2105
01:33:25,208 --> 01:33:26,833
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2106
01:33:26,916 --> 01:33:29,333
<i>♪ Baby, take control now ♪</i>

2107
01:33:29,416 --> 01:33:31,833
<i>♪ We can't even slow down ♪</i>

2108
01:33:32,000 --> 01:33:34,750
<i>♪ We don't have to go out ♪</i>

2109
01:33:38,375 --> 01:33:40,500
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2110
01:33:43,458 --> 01:33:45,708
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2111
01:33:46,291 --> 01:33:49,583
<i>♪ Morning comes
And you know that you wanna stay ♪</i>

2112
01:33:51,458 --> 01:33:54,833
<i>♪ Close the blinds
Let's pretend that the time has changed ♪</i>

2113
01:33:56,583 --> 01:33:59,833
<i>♪ Keep our clothes on the floor
Open up champagne ♪</i>

2114
01:34:01,666 --> 01:34:04,666
<i>♪ Let's continue tonight
Come on, celebrate ♪</i>

2115
01:34:04,750 --> 01:34:08,000
<i>- ♪ That's how we do it ♪
- ♪ Sometimes you gotta stay in, in ♪</i>

2116
01:34:08,083 --> 01:34:10,166
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2117
01:34:10,250 --> 01:34:12,791
<i>- ♪ Baby, take control now ♪
- ♪ Now ♪</i>

2118
01:34:12,875 --> 01:34:15,208
<i>♪ We can't even slow down ♪</i>

2119
01:34:15,416 --> 01:34:18,041
<i>♪ We don't have to go out ♪</i>

2120
01:34:18,250 --> 01:34:20,416
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2121
01:34:20,500 --> 01:34:22,916
<i>- ♪ Play that music too loud ♪
- ♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪</i>

2122
01:34:23,000 --> 01:34:25,541
<i>- ♪ Show me what you do now ♪
- ♪ Show me now ♪</i>

2123
01:34:25,625 --> 01:34:28,500
<i>- ♪ We don't have to go out ♪
- ♪ Go out ♪</i>

2124
01:34:28,791 --> 01:34:31,500
<i>♪ Welcome to my duck off the crib
The spot, the pad ♪</i>

2125
01:34:31,583 --> 01:34:34,250
<i>♪ But my house is your house
If you throwin' it back ♪</i>

2126
01:34:34,375 --> 01:34:36,541
<i>♪ Excuse me if my home bringing the sad ♪</i>

2127
01:34:36,625 --> 01:34:39,625
<i>♪ Soon as these happy faces lay
You can run with the cash ♪</i>

2128
01:34:39,708 --> 01:34:42,000
<i>♪ Home run, slam dunk, touchdown, pass ♪</i>

2129
01:34:42,083 --> 01:34:44,541
<i>♪ </i>Mi casa es tu casa
<i>So it ain't no holding back ♪</i>

2130
01:34:44,625 --> 01:34:47,125
<i>♪ Another shot of vodka
You know what's in my glass ♪</i>

2131
01:34:47,208 --> 01:34:48,833
<i>♪ It's my house, just relax ♪</i>

2132
01:34:48,916 --> 01:34:51,125
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2133
01:34:51,208 --> 01:34:53,541
<i>- ♪ Play that music too loud ♪
- ♪ Turn it up ♪</i>

2134
01:34:53,625 --> 01:34:56,208
<i>♪ Show me what you do now ♪</i>

2135
01:34:56,291 --> 01:34:59,166
<i>- ♪ We don't have to go out ♪
- ♪ Go out ♪</i>

2136
01:35:01,041 --> 01:35:02,601
<i>♪ We ain't gotta go out, 'cause what? ♪</i>

2137
01:35:02,666 --> 01:35:04,083
<i>♪ Welcome to my house ♪</i>

2138
01:35:04,166 --> 01:35:05,833
<i>♪ It's my house, my house ♪</i>

2139
01:35:06,833 --> 01:35:07,750
<i>♪ What? What? ♪</i>

2140
01:35:07,833 --> 01:35:09,166
<i>♪ Welcome to my house</i> ♪

2141
01:35:09,250 --> 01:35:11,583
♪ <i>It's my house ♪</i>