Eng Beautiful Boy (2018)

1
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,647
So, this is for, uh,

2
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:39,909
New York Times Magazine?

3
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:42,085
No. I'm sorry, that...

4
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:43,695
there...

5
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:46,046
mm... no, I freelance.

6
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,525
I write
for different magazines,

7
00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,136
but this is a personal matter.

8
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,485
A personal matter?

9
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,313
Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay?

10
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,923
No, it's absolutely okay.

11
00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:55,925
May I ask what-what this is
regarding and...?

12
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:58,710
Uh, it's about my son.

13
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,974
Okay. How can I help?

14
00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:05,326
He...

15
00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:11,549
There are moments
that I look at him,

16
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:14,204
this kid that I raised,

17
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:17,381
who I thought I knew
inside and out,

18
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:20,167
and I wonder who he is.

19
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,910
He's been doing all sorts
of drugs,

20
00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:26,999
but he's addicted
to crystal meth,

21
00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:31,830
which seems, uh, to be
the worst of all of 'em.

22
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:34,920
And I guess I'm here

23
00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:39,099
because I just want to know...

24
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all that I can about...

25
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:43,842
all of it.

26
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,670
Know your enemies, right?

27
00:01:45,714 --> 00:01:47,933
So...

28
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:52,590
My two big questions are,

29
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,245
wh-what is it doing to him,

30
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:58,640
and what can I do to help him?

31
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Marin General Hospital.
How may I help you?

32
00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,746
Hi. My son has gone missing,

33
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:04,488
and I wanted to check
to see if he had...

34
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,186
uh, maybe had been brought in

35
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:09,493
or-or if-if there'd been
an accident.

36
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:12,279
Can I have name
and description, sir?

37
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,845
Nicolas Sheff.

38
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,239
S-H-E-F-F.

39
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,849
He is...

40
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18 years old.

41
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He is just over six feet tall.

42
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About 130 pounds.

43
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Maybe less.
I-I don't know. Um...

44
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He has shoulder-length
brown hair

45
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and green eyes.

46
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Thank you. Please hold.

47
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,259
Okay.

48
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,479
- Mr. Sheff?
- Yes.

49
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Uh, there's no one
by that name, sir.

50
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:43,310
Okay. Thank you.

51
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,788
He's been gone for two days.

52
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What do you mean he's gone?

53
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,357
- What's going on?
- I don't know.

54
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,793
- I don't know.
- Two days?

55
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,316
Why didn't you tell me sooner?

56
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,231
Uh, I didn't want
to worry you, I guess.

57
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- I just...
- I'm his mother, David.

58
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Didn't you see this coming?

59
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:40,802
Uh, no.

60
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What?

61
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:43,892
No, no, I didn't see it coming.

62
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,981
If I'd seen it coming,
I would've done something.

63
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,331
It was just a question, David.
Jesus.

64
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I haven't been talking with him
a lot lately.

65
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:52,727
Well, maybe that's why you
shouldn't be giving me advice

66
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in parenting, right?

67
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Fuck, Vicki.

68
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Can we just not blame
each other right now? That's...

69
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Who's blaming who here?

70
00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,780
If I hardly ever see him,
it's because he's supposed

71
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,478
to come to I.A.
for the holidays

72
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,523
but always finds a reason
not to come.

73
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:09,657
Well, that's not my fault,
is it?

74
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,259
Nic.

75
00:05:48,522 --> 00:05:50,698
Here's your little brother.

76
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Tight.

77
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Just support his head.

78
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,580
Hi, Jasper.

79
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:06,278
Hi, little boy.

80
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This is amazing.

81
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He's sticking his tongue out.

82
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Hi. Nice to meet you.

83
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- Bye.
- Bye.

84
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- I'll miss you this summer.
- Me, too.

85
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- Okay, write me.
- Write me back.

86
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Work on your French.

87
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Oui, madame.

88
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Have a great summer.

89
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And say hi to your mom.

90
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- Everything.
- Everything.

91
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,511
Ya!

92
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,382
Come on.

93
00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:13,667
Hey.

94
00:08:13,710 --> 00:08:16,408
- Where have you been?
- Yeah, I just need to sleep,

95
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:17,975
- all right?
- What have you been doing?

96
00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:19,847
I just need to sleep,
all right? Leave me alone.

97
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:24,112
Guys, go downstairs.

98
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:26,810
I'll be there in a minute.

99
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Ow.

100
00:09:10,071 --> 00:09:12,682
Look, man, I'm-I'm, uh...

101
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:17,121
I'm really sorry, all right?
And-and I, uh...

102
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,384
I fucked up,
and it was a mistake, but...

103
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,735
it was a one-time mistake,
all right? I learned my lesson.

104
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:25,216
I don't want to go through this
shit again, all right? So...

105
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,348
- Let's just go inside.
- No.

106
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,828
They're professionals.

107
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,612
Let's just listen
to what they have to say.

108
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,396
Look, I'm 18, all right?!
You can't force me!

109
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,442
Hey.

110
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:37,751
This got out of hand, right?

111
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,535
Don't you think?

112
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,236
Come on.

113
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,761
All right.

114
00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:51,591
Okay. Okay.

115
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I'm doing it for you.

116
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:27,583
He needs treatment. And fast.

117
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There's still a lot of drugs
in his system.

118
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And, worst of all,
he's in denial.

119
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,984
Um, can you help him?

120
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:39,203
Oh, yeah. I mean,

121
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a lot of the people here
are not here by choice.

122
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And they have just
as much chance as anybody.

123
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,646
Okay.

124
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,865
So, we have a free bed.

125
00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:51,651
So, if you want, we can check
him in for a 28-day treatment

126
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,522
and then we evaluate.

127
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:56,656
Um...

128
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,440
what is your success rate?

129
00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,703
On the high end, 80%.

130
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,531
On the low end,

131
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,707
25%.

132
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,623
Look, he will have
daily consultations

133
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,843
with a staff psychiatrist
and physician.

134
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:13,803
We have daily N.A.
and A.A. meetings.

135
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,284
He'll be monitored
very closely.

136
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:19,896
Thank you.

137
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:23,117
And last page.

138
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Everything.

139
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,212
Everything.

140
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:19,521
Why are you
always in this room?

141
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,741
You hardly ever come out
of here.

142
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:23,525
It's like you're a vampire.

143
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,529
I read.

144
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:30,097
I draw.

145
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,708
You know what we should do?

146
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,754
We should go surfing.

147
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,538
Yeah.

148
00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:38,409
That sound good?

149
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:41,151
I'm kind of into other things
now, you know?

150
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:44,851
Reading misanthropes and
seriously depressed writers.

151
00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,461
Oh, come on, they're...

152
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,202
they're kind of great,
though, right?

153
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:49,246
I get it.

154
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,816
It'll pass, though.

155
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,818
It always does.

156
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,733
What does?

157
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,998
The feeling of being alienated
and isolated.

158
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,913
Huh, that really helps.

159
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:06,002
Thanks for the advice, Dad.

160
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,049
Okay.

161
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,487
All right. That was...

162
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,010
That came out wrong. I'm sorry.

163
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:16,491
Mm-mm.

164
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,850
All right. Your-your idea.

165
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:29,939
Hey.

166
00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:33,856
Hey, Dad.

167
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:36,990
So, we feel
he's made great progress.

168
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,209
- Right, Nic?
- Hi. -Hey.

169
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,211
- That's great.
- That's great.

170
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,083
So we should maybe talk
about the coming weeks, Nic.

171
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:45,650
Mm. I think I need to...
I think I need

172
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:47,783
a little bit more time
in rehab. So if it's...

173
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,090
if it's all right
with you guys, I was wondering

174
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,743
if I could stay
in the halfway house here.

175
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:56,226
The halfway house
is an open living facility

176
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,228
with follow-up every night,

177
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:01,753
and we would help him
find a job.

178
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:03,843
Right. I don't want to...

179
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,497
go to college...

180
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,891
- right now.
- Oh?

181
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,894
Okay. Uh, um, and do what?

182
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:15,506
I think I need
to be independent.

183
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:20,424
Dad, I'm telling you,
this is...

184
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,951
It's gonna be good.

185
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,561
What is he gonna do,

186
00:14:26,604 --> 00:14:28,215
make coffee
for the rest of his life?

187
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:29,564
You know what,
Frederick told me

188
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,566
that they have friends
that had a son

189
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,568
that did a four-week program
and that wasn't enough

190
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,831
and now he's doing
a year program.

191
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,399
I wish you wouldn't talk
to everybody about it.

192
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,142
What does that got to do
with anything?

193
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,926
To protect Nic.
I mean, at some point,

194
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,885
he's gonna want to get on
with his life.

195
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,930
And maybe it's best that
not everybody knows about this.

196
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,932
Okay.

197
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,501
Can we not make this about me?

198
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,937
Uh...
All right.

199
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,331
Look, Nic needs some more time.

200
00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,681
And that's fine.

201
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,074
- Okay?
- Okay.

202
00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,249
Okay?

203
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,903
Yeah, okay.

204
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,173
Shh.

205
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,395
David Sheff.

206
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:19,919
Hi, Mr. Sheff.

207
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,225
This is Annie Goldblum
from the Ohlhoff Center.

208
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,358
Oh, yes. Hi. Hello.

209
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,012
Listen,
I am sorry to disturb you,

210
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,884
but I need to inform you
about Nic.

211
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,278
Okay.

212
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,889
He left the facility today
during free time,

213
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,805
and he hasn't returned since.

214
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:39,547
I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff,

215
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:41,070
but please don't despair.

216
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,246
This happens.

217
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,509
But I...

218
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,903
I thought you said
he was doing so well.

219
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,951
You should think of this
as part of the process.

220
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,301
Relapse is a part of recovery.

221
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:56,259
Relapse is part of recovery?

222
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:59,306
Yeah. It-it's a part
of Nic's learning process.

223
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:01,090
Well, uh, that's...

224
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:04,528
that's like saying crashing
is part of pilot training.

225
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,270
Look, he'll be back,
and probably really quick.

226
00:16:07,314 --> 00:16:09,142
Do you have somebody
out looking for him?

227
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,057
It is not our responsibility

228
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,623
once he leaves the facility.

229
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,364
- Okay.
- But he is welcome to...

230
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,881
Excuse me.

231
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,362
Have you seen a kid
hanging out around here?

232
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,190
- No.
- No?

233
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,540
Okay, thank you.

234
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,848
Wow. They don't want
to deal with that.

235
00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,110
Hey, Dad, you want
to smoke this?

236
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:49,329
Hey, whoa.

237
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:50,852
Wait. What...? Stop.

238
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,114
- Put that away.
- We'll smoke this together.

239
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,768
No, no, no. No.
Are you cra...

240
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,422
- That's crazy.
- Well, I know you smoke.

241
00:17:55,465 --> 00:17:57,032
- Y... Well, yeah. I...
- So let's smoke together.

242
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,642
No, no, no.
Occasionally, like...

243
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,383
- Look, let's smoke to...
let's smoke together. -Listen.

244
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:02,429
- Or I could just... You know what?
- No, stop it, stop it.

245
00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,647
- Stop. Stop.
- I'll just light it here a...

246
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:04,779
You know what? You're right.

247
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:05,997
I'll just light it here alone.

248
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,564
Don't. Occasionally,

249
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:08,826
- from time to time...
- Yeah?

250
00:18:08,870 --> 00:18:10,785
I will have a hit or two
at a party,

251
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,569
but it's been a while,
so just...

252
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:14,093
Oh, okay, so then just smoke...

253
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:16,747
have-have a celebratory joint
with your son.

254
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:19,402
N-No. God, come on.

255
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,143
No. No, you're amazing.

256
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,666
You got... you applied
to six colleges,

257
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,103
you got into all of them?

258
00:18:24,146 --> 00:18:25,234
Yeah.

259
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,280
Stop doubting yourself.

260
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,020
Look at you.

261
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,589
Give me that. Give me that.

262
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:37,812
What?

263
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:40,162
Nice-nice hit.
That was a good hit.

264
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:44,427
- What?
- Well...

265
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:49,476
Thank you. This is a nice...

266
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:51,434
thing to do.

267
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,917
You did a lot of drugs, right?

268
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,745
I, uh...

269
00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,964
Yeah, I did my share.

270
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:01,444
I experimented
with some drugs.

271
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:02,967
I did.

272
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,797
- But not harmless.
- What, is this...?

273
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:08,234
There was a guy, and...
No, no.

274
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,452
This is the lecture part?

275
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,193
- Right?
- Yes.

276
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,673
Dad, you worry too much,
all right?

277
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,762
- Everyone does it.
- Just be careful.

278
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:17,243
It's just a little pot.
I'm just partying a little.

279
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,332
It's just... you know,
it's just once in a while.

280
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,724
Mm-hmm.

281
00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:22,987
I deserve to party
a little now.

282
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:24,511
- "Deserve to party."
- I do.

283
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:27,601
Look, it just... it takes
the edge off things.

284
00:19:27,644 --> 00:19:31,126
It-it... it-it takes the edge
off of stupid all-day reality.

285
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,304
Hmm.

286
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:38,960
What is stupid about reality?

287
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,918
You know, just like...

288
00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:44,879
like daily, stupid things
that don't matter.

289
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,359
Okay.

290
00:19:46,402 --> 00:19:48,317
You cannot say
dumb shit like that,

291
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:49,797
or you're gonna start
believing it.

292
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,494
Right.

293
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,222
Thanks for bringing that,
Karen.

294
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:30,751
This is my home.

295
00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:34,624
A couple of weeks ago,
you told me

296
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:38,193
that you had only done
crystal meth once.

297
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,152
And the story has to be bigger
than that, right?

298
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:43,329
- Mm-hmm.
- There's more to it.

299
00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:44,634
Yeah?

300
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:45,896
David.

301
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:47,071
We need to know.

302
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,031
We need to know.

303
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:55,906
I think I always liked it.

304
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:57,995
What?

305
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:02,304
Anything. Pot, alcohol,

306
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:05,525
Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD.

307
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,355
And you've been doing
all of that

308
00:21:09,398 --> 00:21:11,400
for what... years?

309
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,446
A couple years, yeah.

310
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,144
And crystal meth?

311
00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:19,539
Just a couple months.

312
00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:22,281
Wh-Why?

313
00:21:24,935 --> 00:21:25,936
I don't know.

314
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:27,982
Um...

315
00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,642
When I tried it, I felt...

316
00:21:41,038 --> 00:21:44,477
I felt better
than I ever had, so...

317
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,914
I just kept on doing it.

318
00:21:46,957 --> 00:21:50,178
I was worried that you
were smoking too much pot.

319
00:21:50,221 --> 00:21:54,704
Meanwhile, you're out doing
every drug on the planet?

320
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:58,795
And hiding it and lying?

321
00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:00,362
Why?

322
00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:03,670
- I don't know. Um...
- Why?

323
00:22:03,713 --> 00:22:05,367
- Nic, tell me why.
- Ease up.

324
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,543
- I don't know.
- I thought we were close.

325
00:22:07,587 --> 00:22:09,850
I thought we were closer
than most fathers and sons.

326
00:22:09,893 --> 00:22:11,808
Yeah, I feel like you're
always disappointed in me.

327
00:22:11,852 --> 00:22:13,288
You're disappointed
I didn't go to college.

328
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,463
Can you blame me?!

329
00:22:14,507 --> 00:22:16,117
Just, uh, not too long ago,

330
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,337
you were reading and you
were writing, and you were on

331
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,773
the water polo team.

332
00:22:19,816 --> 00:22:21,340
And look at us now.

333
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:22,863
- Dad... -Can you please stop?
- This isn't us.

334
00:22:22,906 --> 00:22:24,995
- This is not who we are.
- Just, please,

335
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,693
both of you, stop.

336
00:22:26,736 --> 00:22:29,609
Dad, I'm really sorry
about everything.

337
00:22:31,045 --> 00:22:33,221
Dad, I'm so...

338
00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:38,182
I'm really sorry, Dad.

339
00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:44,363
Nic, what you have...

340
00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:47,975
...you're gonna find it again.

341
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:53,850
And you're gonna get it back.

342
00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:57,376
Ow, ow, ow.

343
00:23:34,804 --> 00:23:36,676
Nic!

344
00:23:46,555 --> 00:23:48,557
Nic!

345
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:51,255
Nic!

346
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,737
Nic!

347
00:24:05,139 --> 00:24:07,141
Nic!

348
00:24:21,547 --> 00:24:22,983
Hey, Dad.

349
00:24:23,026 --> 00:24:24,724
Hey.

350
00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:26,377
How's New York?

351
00:24:26,421 --> 00:24:27,596
Fine. Good.

352
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:28,989
Good interview today.

353
00:24:29,032 --> 00:24:30,425
- Nice.
- How are you?

354
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:33,036
Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah.

355
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,690
Yeah? You sure?

356
00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:36,518
Yeah. I don't... well...

357
00:24:36,562 --> 00:24:38,302
What?

358
00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:39,913
It's, uh...

359
00:24:39,956 --> 00:24:41,392
What's going on?

360
00:24:41,436 --> 00:24:44,308
Uh, we had this great
group session,

361
00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:46,920
and one of the guys here was
saying he would do anything

362
00:24:46,963 --> 00:24:49,052
for a chance to go to college,
but he can't.

363
00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:51,098
- Okay. -And when we were
talking later, he said,

364
00:24:51,141 --> 00:24:53,317
"You could still go to college.
Don't be an idiot.

365
00:24:53,361 --> 00:24:55,319
Go to college."

366
00:24:56,582 --> 00:24:58,105
I don't know, it's just crazy.

367
00:24:58,148 --> 00:25:01,151
I realized I don't think
I should stay behind.

368
00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:02,370
I love writing.

369
00:25:02,413 --> 00:25:04,938
And I feel like I'm good at it,

370
00:25:04,981 --> 00:25:07,723
and I do it a lot, but...

371
00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,596
obviously, there's still a lot

372
00:25:10,639 --> 00:25:12,989
for-for me to learn and...

373
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,819
Anyway, um...

374
00:25:16,863 --> 00:25:19,648
I'd love to give it a go, if...

375
00:25:19,692 --> 00:25:22,521
you know, if it's all right
with you guys.

376
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:28,875
Yeah. I'll talk to Karen
and to your mom.

377
00:25:29,919 --> 00:25:31,704
Back here.

378
00:25:54,988 --> 00:25:56,598
Have you met your roommate yet?

379
00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:57,817
Yeah, he seems nice.

380
00:25:57,860 --> 00:25:59,906
He's just in the hall.

381
00:25:59,949 --> 00:26:01,211
I feel for you, though.

382
00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:03,997
Ouch.

383
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,564
No worries. I'll educate him.

384
00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,611
Before you know it, he'll be
listening to John Zorn.

385
00:26:09,655 --> 00:26:11,482
Ah.

386
00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:21,841
Well, I better get going.

387
00:26:21,884 --> 00:26:23,233
All right.

388
00:26:34,941 --> 00:26:39,336
- Everything.
- Everything.

389
00:26:53,089 --> 00:26:54,787
So, this is a poem

390
00:26:54,830 --> 00:26:56,397
by Charles Bukowski.

391
00:26:58,051 --> 00:27:02,446
Uh, this man saved my life
multiple times, so...

392
00:27:02,490 --> 00:27:06,015
"I changed jobs and cities,

393
00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,800
"I hated holidays,

394
00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:10,411
"babies, history,

395
00:27:10,454 --> 00:27:13,762
"newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,

396
00:27:13,806 --> 00:27:17,766
marriage, movies, spiders..."

397
00:27:17,810 --> 00:27:19,594
I want to see it,
I want to see it! Oh!

398
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,943
"...garbagemen,

399
00:27:20,987 --> 00:27:22,249
- "English accents...
- Nice. Go, go, go!

400
00:27:22,292 --> 00:27:24,381
"...Spain, France,

401
00:27:24,425 --> 00:27:28,429
"Italy, walnuts
and the color orange.

402
00:27:28,472 --> 00:27:34,087
"Algebra angered me,
opera sickened me,

403
00:27:34,130 --> 00:27:35,697
"Charlie Chaplin was a fake

404
00:27:35,741 --> 00:27:38,265
and flowers were for pansies."

405
00:27:42,008 --> 00:27:44,010
Thanks.

406
00:27:59,939 --> 00:28:02,681
Come here.

407
00:28:08,295 --> 00:28:10,384
Mm.

408
00:28:10,427 --> 00:28:12,995
Hi.

409
00:28:35,104 --> 00:28:36,627
Where's your bathroom?

410
00:28:36,671 --> 00:28:38,151
Hey, is there a bathroom
I can use?

411
00:28:38,194 --> 00:28:39,239
Sure, honey.

412
00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:40,501
I'll show you where it is.

413
00:28:40,544 --> 00:28:42,111
Go right up, to the left.

414
00:29:54,488 --> 00:29:56,838
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Nic.

415
00:29:56,882 --> 00:29:58,622
How you doing?
What's going on?

416
00:29:58,666 --> 00:30:00,059
Oh, no, everything's
going great here, yeah.

417
00:30:00,102 --> 00:30:01,538
Oh, hey, thanks for sending
the money.

418
00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:02,713
I really appreciate that.

419
00:31:29,365 --> 00:31:31,977
Yeah,
you always hog the fondue.

420
00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:34,501
Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil
are going hiking tomorrow,

421
00:31:34,544 --> 00:31:37,591
so they'd like us to join them.

422
00:31:41,987 --> 00:31:43,510
Are Jasper and Daisy here,
by any...?

423
00:31:43,553 --> 00:31:45,512
- They're not here.
- No?

424
00:31:45,555 --> 00:31:47,253
- No. -Oh, they didn't
want to see me?

425
00:31:47,296 --> 00:31:49,820
- No, they didn't want to see you.
- Oh, that's tough to hear.

426
00:31:49,864 --> 00:31:52,911
Uh, well, I'm gonna just have
a seat on this couch

427
00:31:52,954 --> 00:31:54,042
and think about that, huh?

428
00:31:54,086 --> 00:31:55,478
- Oh!
- Whoa! Whoa!

429
00:31:55,522 --> 00:31:58,873
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, it's Daisy!

430
00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:00,483
Oh, Jasper!

431
00:32:00,527 --> 00:32:03,356
Oh, my God, you guys
have gotten so much bigger!

432
00:32:03,399 --> 00:32:06,402
Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...!

433
00:32:07,664 --> 00:32:09,362
- Okay.
- Denmark, 1632.

434
00:32:09,405 --> 00:32:11,538
- Oh, no.
- We...

435
00:32:11,581 --> 00:32:15,672
Like to look back
at the history of Hula-Hoops.

436
00:32:15,716 --> 00:32:18,240
So important to, uh,

437
00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:20,590
the culture
of peace and wisdom.

438
00:32:20,634 --> 00:32:22,114
Um, a man

439
00:32:22,157 --> 00:32:24,420
- named George...
- Hoopulu.

440
00:32:24,464 --> 00:32:27,510
Was, uh... was, uh...

441
00:32:27,554 --> 00:32:29,208
And he thought...

442
00:32:29,251 --> 00:32:31,775
"Well, I'm going to

443
00:32:31,819 --> 00:32:33,386
develop something that I..."

444
00:32:38,913 --> 00:32:40,262
Hey.

445
00:32:40,306 --> 00:32:43,178
Hey. Uh...

446
00:32:43,222 --> 00:32:45,659
Hey. Um...

447
00:32:45,702 --> 00:32:48,618
I was wondering, do you think
I could use your car tonight?

448
00:32:48,662 --> 00:32:51,056
'Cause I just...
I want to go to a meeting.

449
00:32:51,099 --> 00:32:53,014
Oh. You got a meeting tonight?

450
00:32:53,058 --> 00:32:54,885
Yeah, sure.

451
00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:59,629
Y-You good?

452
00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:01,327
Yeah. I just...

453
00:33:02,589 --> 00:33:04,025
- They're crazy.
- Yeah.

454
00:33:04,069 --> 00:33:06,723
They're really excited
you're home.

455
00:33:08,769 --> 00:33:11,598
- I mean, I'll see you
in the morning, I guess. -Okay.

456
00:33:13,295 --> 00:33:15,254
All right.

457
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:39,843
Yep! Mm!

458
00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:04,216
Where is it?!

459
00:34:04,259 --> 00:34:05,782
I don't have it!

460
00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:07,306
Where is it?!

461
00:34:07,349 --> 00:34:08,872
I don't have it!

462
00:34:08,916 --> 00:34:10,700
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

463
00:34:10,744 --> 00:34:12,398
Where is it?!

464
00:34:12,441 --> 00:34:14,095
- Guys, guys, stop it.
- I don't know!

465
00:34:14,139 --> 00:34:15,923
Stop. Calm down.
What's going on in here?

466
00:34:15,966 --> 00:34:17,751
She took my money!

467
00:34:17,794 --> 00:34:19,187
I didn't.

468
00:34:19,231 --> 00:34:21,407
Okay, all right.
Come on, go downstairs

469
00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:23,148
- and see Mommy, all right?
- You took them!

470
00:34:23,191 --> 00:34:25,106
- -Don't, don't,
don't. Stop, stop.

471
00:34:25,150 --> 00:34:28,153
- I didn't take it, Daddy.
- I know you didn't. All right.

472
00:34:28,196 --> 00:34:30,938
Just go downstairs
and have some breakfast.

473
00:34:30,981 --> 00:34:32,070
Hey, what happened?

474
00:34:33,767 --> 00:34:35,116
They're gone.

475
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,640
Okay. Are you sure
you had it in there?

476
00:34:37,684 --> 00:34:40,817
- Yeah. I had them yesterday.
- Okay.

477
00:34:47,824 --> 00:34:49,826
Jasper's savings disappeared.

478
00:34:51,828 --> 00:34:53,830
Yeah? That's weird.

479
00:34:59,184 --> 00:35:02,143
Did you take his eight dollars?

480
00:35:03,318 --> 00:35:04,798
What?

481
00:35:04,841 --> 00:35:06,104
You heard me.

482
00:35:07,148 --> 00:35:08,889
Why would I?

483
00:35:08,932 --> 00:35:11,674
It disappeared, and somebody
has to have done it.

484
00:35:11,718 --> 00:35:13,589
Right, so it's me.

485
00:35:13,633 --> 00:35:16,026
This is fucking ridiculous.

486
00:35:16,070 --> 00:35:19,247
Are you using again?

487
00:35:19,291 --> 00:35:22,076
Am I using again? No.

488
00:35:24,078 --> 00:35:26,820
Are you high right now?

489
00:35:26,863 --> 00:35:28,474
What the f...? No.

490
00:35:28,517 --> 00:35:30,563
- Fuck you.
- "Fuck you"?

491
00:35:30,606 --> 00:35:32,086
Don't talk to me that way.

492
00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:33,696
Are you high right now?

493
00:35:33,740 --> 00:35:35,089
No.

494
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:36,699
You're not using right now?

495
00:35:36,743 --> 00:35:38,136
Are you using?

496
00:35:38,179 --> 00:35:41,835
No, Dad,
I'm not fucking high right now!

497
00:35:41,878 --> 00:35:43,880
Okay.

498
00:35:47,232 --> 00:35:50,539
Listen, it was a gamble
to send you to college.

499
00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,281
Everybody supported it.

500
00:35:53,325 --> 00:35:55,283
I'm glad that you went.

501
00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:58,982
Relapse is a part of rec...

502
00:35:59,026 --> 00:36:00,941
Relapse is part of recovery.

503
00:36:00,984 --> 00:36:04,901
- So we're gonna get...
- I better leave.

504
00:36:13,301 --> 00:36:15,782
- David?
- Hey.

505
00:36:15,825 --> 00:36:18,567
Just... where-where
are you gonna go?

506
00:36:18,611 --> 00:36:20,874
You can't just leave.
This is ridiculous.

507
00:36:20,917 --> 00:36:22,528
- Come on.
- Will you talk to us?

508
00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:24,486
I mean, really...
we just want to talk to you.

509
00:36:24,530 --> 00:36:26,923
Why don't...
Try to help us understand.

510
00:36:26,967 --> 00:36:28,621
- Or just let us help you.
- All right?

511
00:36:28,664 --> 00:36:30,144
I don't want your fucking help.
Don't you understand that?

512
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:31,537
- No. -No, you don't.
Jesus Christ, then what

513
00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:32,886
the fuck is wrong
with you, then, huh?

514
00:36:32,929 --> 00:36:34,322
- What the hell is wrong
with you people? -Nic.

515
00:36:34,366 --> 00:36:35,845
- No! You fucking suffocate me.
- Hey.

516
00:36:35,889 --> 00:36:37,456
- Oh...
- You fucking suffocate me!

517
00:36:37,499 --> 00:36:39,936
Whoa, it's us?
We're the problem?

518
00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:42,200
No. You know what,
you're the one who's doing it!

519
00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:43,940
You're the one
who's causing it!

520
00:36:43,984 --> 00:36:46,204
And you're the only one
who can stop it!

521
00:36:46,247 --> 00:36:48,206
Fucking solve it!

522
00:37:16,495 --> 00:37:17,539
Fuck!

523
00:37:18,584 --> 00:37:20,107
Fuck!

524
00:39:13,220 --> 00:39:15,614
So, this is for the, uh,

525
00:39:15,657 --> 00:39:17,355
New York Times Magazine?

526
00:39:17,398 --> 00:39:19,139
Oh, no.

527
00:39:19,182 --> 00:39:20,488
I'm a... I-I write.

528
00:39:20,532 --> 00:39:22,055
I freelance
for different magazines,

529
00:39:22,098 --> 00:39:25,145
but this is...
this is a personal matter.

530
00:39:25,188 --> 00:39:27,408
- A personal matter?
- Yes. I'm sorry.

531
00:39:27,452 --> 00:39:29,671
- Is that okay?
- Uh, no, it's absolutely okay.

532
00:39:29,715 --> 00:39:31,586
May I ask what-what
this is regarding?

533
00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:34,067
Uh, it's about my son.

534
00:39:34,110 --> 00:39:36,112
Okay.

535
00:39:39,115 --> 00:39:42,336
He's been doing
all sorts of drugs,

536
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:44,251
but he's addicted
to crystal meth,

537
00:39:44,294 --> 00:39:48,081
which seems, uh, to be
the worst of all of them.

538
00:39:48,124 --> 00:39:50,388
And I guess I'm here

539
00:39:50,431 --> 00:39:54,130
because I just want to know
all that I can

540
00:39:54,174 --> 00:39:57,133
about all of it.

541
00:39:57,177 --> 00:39:59,701
So, uh, crystal meth, uh,

542
00:39:59,745 --> 00:40:01,616
gives the user a feeling
of instant euphoria...

543
00:40:01,660 --> 00:40:04,227
at least, when he takes it.

544
00:40:04,271 --> 00:40:05,446
You know,
but when it wears off,

545
00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:07,274
with a depletion
of as much as 60%

546
00:40:07,317 --> 00:40:10,233
of the dopamine,
the user has to up the doses.

547
00:40:10,277 --> 00:40:14,281
He has to double it, triple it
just to feel something,

548
00:40:14,324 --> 00:40:16,457
causing even more nerve damage,

549
00:40:16,501 --> 00:40:20,374
which, uh, increases
the compulsion to use.

550
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:21,941
Horrible cycle.

551
00:40:23,986 --> 00:40:26,162
- What's up?
- Hey.

552
00:40:26,206 --> 00:40:28,904
Just doing some research.

553
00:40:56,192 --> 00:40:58,151
Hi.

554
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,289
Are you hungry?

555
00:41:06,333 --> 00:41:09,467
You want to get something?

556
00:41:09,510 --> 00:41:12,121
Most guys just ask me
for a blow job.

557
00:41:12,165 --> 00:41:15,734
Oh, no. No, I'm just
offering something to eat.

558
00:41:15,777 --> 00:41:18,171
Maybe talk a little,
if you're up to it.

559
00:41:18,214 --> 00:41:21,566
Meth changes
the brain physically.

560
00:41:21,609 --> 00:41:24,046
Here we see the loss
of dopamine receptors

561
00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:26,048
in a meth user's brain.

562
00:41:26,092 --> 00:41:29,661
Now, I'm gonna show you
something else here.

563
00:41:29,704 --> 00:41:32,402
Do you see, uh, right here
there are these two red, uh...

564
00:41:32,446 --> 00:41:34,013
- large, red spots right here?
- Yeah.

565
00:41:34,056 --> 00:41:36,798
Okay, what that shows is
hyperactivity in the amygdala.

566
00:41:36,842 --> 00:41:38,757
And the amygdala is a region
of the brain

567
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,281
that is linked
with anxiety and fear.

568
00:41:41,324 --> 00:41:43,457
Here the amygdala is screaming.

569
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,245
What this shows us

570
00:41:49,289 --> 00:41:51,683
is that there is
a biological basis,

571
00:41:51,726 --> 00:41:55,425
uh, that meth users
may be unable...

572
00:41:55,469 --> 00:41:57,558
not unwilling, but unable...

573
00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:00,561
to participate
in normal treatment programs.

574
00:42:00,605 --> 00:42:02,084
I was in rehab, too.

575
00:42:03,216 --> 00:42:04,739
Three times.

576
00:42:04,783 --> 00:42:07,220
Ran away every time.

577
00:42:07,263 --> 00:42:09,701
Why?

578
00:42:09,744 --> 00:42:11,920
It was hell.

579
00:42:11,964 --> 00:42:14,357
Wanted to die.

580
00:42:14,401 --> 00:42:16,359
Why was it hell?

581
00:42:16,403 --> 00:42:19,232
All that God shit.

582
00:42:19,275 --> 00:42:21,234
Also, you just don't know
how good it gets

583
00:42:21,277 --> 00:42:23,236
when it gets good.

584
00:42:23,279 --> 00:42:25,368
It's hard to explain.

585
00:42:25,412 --> 00:42:27,283
Feels like cocaine

586
00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:28,894
but multiplied
by, like, a thousand.

587
00:42:28,937 --> 00:42:30,591
Or, like, a million.

588
00:42:30,635 --> 00:42:33,246
What does this mean for Nic?

589
00:42:33,289 --> 00:42:35,248
Look, Mr. Sheff, I...

590
00:42:35,291 --> 00:42:38,207
I don't know
who promised you what,

591
00:42:38,251 --> 00:42:42,255
but the success percentage
is in the single digits.

592
00:42:44,213 --> 00:42:45,563
Okay.

593
00:42:47,652 --> 00:42:50,437
What about your parents?

594
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:52,613
What about them?

595
00:42:52,657 --> 00:42:55,485
Don't you think
they're worried about you?

596
00:42:55,529 --> 00:42:58,010
Shouldn't you...

597
00:42:58,053 --> 00:43:00,316
let them know that...

598
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,623
They don't care.

599
00:43:02,667 --> 00:43:06,018
Well, I think they do.

600
00:43:07,062 --> 00:43:10,065
What the fuck do you know?

601
00:43:16,855 --> 00:43:18,813
I gotta go.

602
00:43:18,857 --> 00:43:22,034
Oh. Okay.

603
00:43:25,385 --> 00:43:27,953
Thanks.

604
00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:48,364
- Hey!
- Hey! Hey, now!

605
00:44:45,421 --> 00:44:46,988
God.

606
00:46:15,860 --> 00:46:17,775
I'm gonna try
some Klingon on you.

607
00:46:17,818 --> 00:46:18,906
Ready?

608
00:46:27,523 --> 00:46:29,699
- You know what I said?
- May I have a Coca-Cola?

609
00:46:29,743 --> 00:46:31,136
Exactly.

610
00:46:31,179 --> 00:46:32,964
That's it.

611
00:46:33,007 --> 00:46:34,966
That's exactly what I asked.

612
00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:36,445
Can I have a Coca-Cola?

613
00:46:36,489 --> 00:46:38,360
All right.
If you ask me in Klingon,

614
00:46:38,404 --> 00:46:40,406
maybe I'll get you a Coke.

615
00:46:57,989 --> 00:47:00,121
Hey.

616
00:47:12,655 --> 00:47:14,614
Oh, wow.

617
00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:18,270
This hasn't changed at all.

618
00:47:18,313 --> 00:47:21,403
This place.

619
00:47:22,535 --> 00:47:24,232
- Hey.
- So, how you doing?

620
00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,668
I'm doing great.

621
00:47:25,712 --> 00:47:27,888
You know, just, um...

622
00:47:27,932 --> 00:47:29,716
um...

623
00:47:29,759 --> 00:47:31,718
just doing
what needs to be done.

624
00:47:32,762 --> 00:47:34,590
What does that mean?

625
00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:38,377
Just being responsible
for myself and...

626
00:47:38,420 --> 00:47:40,640
I've quit on my own,
you know, so...

627
00:47:40,683 --> 00:47:42,816
I got five days now.

628
00:47:44,426 --> 00:47:46,689
I feel like I'm doing well,
but I just need, um...

629
00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:49,867
I just need
a few hundred bucks, though.

630
00:47:49,910 --> 00:47:51,607
Nic, I can't give you
any money.

631
00:47:53,609 --> 00:47:55,568
Yeah.

632
00:47:55,611 --> 00:47:57,831
Okay.

633
00:47:57,875 --> 00:47:59,572
It's just 200 bucks.
I just need, um...

634
00:47:59,615 --> 00:48:01,139
I just need to get
some shit together.

635
00:48:01,182 --> 00:48:02,444
I want to go to New York.

636
00:48:02,488 --> 00:48:04,751
- New York?
- Yeah.

637
00:48:04,794 --> 00:48:06,622
I need to get out
of San Francisco.

638
00:48:06,666 --> 00:48:08,320
There's too many...

639
00:48:08,363 --> 00:48:10,235
All these
fucking bad vibes here

640
00:48:10,278 --> 00:48:13,194
all the time.

641
00:48:13,238 --> 00:48:15,109
Yeah, I just need
a few hundred bucks.

642
00:48:15,153 --> 00:48:17,503
Why don't we just have lunch
and talk?

643
00:48:17,546 --> 00:48:20,071
- We can do that, right?
- Mm.

644
00:48:20,114 --> 00:48:21,681
Hmm.

645
00:48:26,077 --> 00:48:28,775
How... how's Karen
and, uh... and the kids?

646
00:48:28,818 --> 00:48:32,213
Okay. They ask about you.

647
00:48:32,257 --> 00:48:35,129
It's their step-up next week,
and I know they'd love you...

648
00:48:35,173 --> 00:48:37,044
Dad, you're, uh... you're
guilt-tripping me, all right?

649
00:48:37,088 --> 00:48:38,567
No, I'm just saying...

650
00:48:38,611 --> 00:48:40,874
I should feel horrible
about myself.

651
00:48:42,397 --> 00:48:47,011
I know they wanted you
to be there, that's all.

652
00:48:47,054 --> 00:48:48,708
I'm sorry, Dad.

653
00:48:48,751 --> 00:48:52,233
Um... I just need
some fucking money, all right?

654
00:48:52,277 --> 00:48:53,713
So please just give me
some fucking money.

655
00:48:53,756 --> 00:48:55,019
And then what?
Where does this end?

656
00:48:55,062 --> 00:48:56,585
This is... I got
to see this one through.

657
00:48:56,629 --> 00:48:58,196
This is kind of working out
for me right now.

658
00:48:58,239 --> 00:48:59,501
- I got five days sober.
- It doesn't look

659
00:48:59,545 --> 00:49:00,763
like it's working out, Nic.

660
00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:01,939
Oh, it doesn't look
like it's working out?

661
00:49:01,982 --> 00:49:02,852
- So what, then,
therapy? Huh? -No.

662
00:49:02,896 --> 00:49:04,289
- You can come home.
- No.

663
00:49:04,332 --> 00:49:05,768
- That wouldn't...
- We'll make it work. Please.

664
00:49:05,812 --> 00:49:07,292
Nic.

665
00:49:08,510 --> 00:49:10,338
Please.

666
00:49:17,128 --> 00:49:19,695
- I've been doing some research.
- Been doing fucking research?

667
00:49:19,739 --> 00:49:21,741
- You got to be kidding me, Dad.
- No...

668
00:49:21,784 --> 00:49:23,743
You think that you have this
under control.

669
00:49:23,786 --> 00:49:26,876
- Mm-hmm. -And I understand
how scared you are.

670
00:49:26,920 --> 00:49:28,878
I understand why I do things...
it doesn't make me

671
00:49:28,922 --> 00:49:31,403
any different, all right?
I'm attracted to craziness.

672
00:49:31,446 --> 00:49:33,405
And you're just embarrassed,
'cause I was, like, you know...

673
00:49:33,448 --> 00:49:34,667
I was, like,
this amazing thing,

674
00:49:34,710 --> 00:49:36,625
like, your special creation
or something,

675
00:49:36,669 --> 00:49:39,019
- and you don't like who I am now.
- Yeah?

676
00:49:39,063 --> 00:49:40,760
- Who are you, Nic?
- This is me, Dad.

677
00:49:40,803 --> 00:49:42,805
Here. This is who I am.

678
00:49:50,074 --> 00:49:52,163
You don't like what you see?

679
00:49:58,604 --> 00:50:02,869
You know,
the more I think about it...

680
00:50:02,912 --> 00:50:05,132
Mom should've gotten custody.

681
00:50:05,176 --> 00:50:07,700
Because you always
gotta be fucking

682
00:50:07,743 --> 00:50:09,571
controlling everything
all the time.

683
00:50:09,615 --> 00:50:12,139
You're allowed to be mad
at me, Nic. I made mistakes.

684
00:50:12,183 --> 00:50:15,055
I understand that. I wish
that I hadn't, but I did.

685
00:50:15,099 --> 00:50:17,884
But, God,
what you're saying right now

686
00:50:17,927 --> 00:50:20,930
- doesn't make any sense.
- You're doing this right now!

687
00:50:20,974 --> 00:50:22,671
- You're fucking controlling me right now!
- It's not you.

688
00:50:22,715 --> 00:50:24,543
It is not you, Nic.
It is the drugs talking.

689
00:50:24,586 --> 00:50:25,718
What does that
even fucking mean, huh?

690
00:50:25,761 --> 00:50:27,154
Psychological terror.

691
00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:28,721
- It's what addicts do.
- What the fuck

692
00:50:28,764 --> 00:50:30,027
are you doing right now, huh?

693
00:50:30,070 --> 00:50:32,942
What is this?
What are you doing, huh?

694
00:50:40,994 --> 00:50:42,996
Oh, man.

695
00:50:46,086 --> 00:50:49,046
I didn't want it to go
like this.

696
00:50:52,788 --> 00:50:54,355
All right.

697
00:50:54,399 --> 00:50:56,053
I should go, Dad.

698
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:03,451
- Let me... let me book you a room.
- No, Dad.

699
00:51:03,495 --> 00:51:06,193
- At a hotel for a couple of nights.
- No. Dad...

700
00:51:06,237 --> 00:51:09,457
- Why don't we just go get some food?
- Dad, I should go.

701
00:51:11,024 --> 00:51:12,286
Can you say good-bye, at least?

702
00:51:12,330 --> 00:51:13,853
Bye, Dad.

703
00:51:25,604 --> 00:51:27,562
Where does he sleep?

704
00:51:27,606 --> 00:51:30,130
Um, don't worry
about that, sweetie.

705
00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:31,305
He's fine.

706
00:51:36,354 --> 00:51:38,747
Um...

707
00:51:38,791 --> 00:51:41,576
maybe he has a friend
and he sleeps there.

708
00:51:41,620 --> 00:51:45,319
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe.
- Dolphin.

709
00:51:45,363 --> 00:51:47,104
- Hope so.
- Need "E."

710
00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:48,496
Elephant.

711
00:51:48,540 --> 00:51:50,672
- Can I call him?
- Hmm.

712
00:51:50,716 --> 00:51:52,457
No. I tried.

713
00:51:52,500 --> 00:51:55,547
- His phone's disconnected.
- Can I send him a message?

714
00:51:55,590 --> 00:51:59,899
Maybe he'll get lonely
and turn his phone back on?

715
00:51:59,942 --> 00:52:02,336
That's a good idea.

716
00:52:02,380 --> 00:52:04,338
Yeah. Let's try that.

717
00:52:58,479 --> 00:53:00,177
Dave.

718
00:53:00,220 --> 00:53:02,527
- Yeah?
- Okay. Let's go.

719
00:53:06,270 --> 00:53:08,228
Hey, Dave, close your eyes.

720
00:53:08,272 --> 00:53:09,795
Okay.

721
00:53:13,277 --> 00:53:15,235
And... open 'em!

722
00:53:16,584 --> 00:53:18,282
Oh. Wow.

723
00:53:18,325 --> 00:53:19,718
Wow!

724
00:54:17,950 --> 00:54:19,647
Hello?

725
00:54:19,691 --> 00:54:22,476
This is Julie Ford at the
Bellevue Hospital in New York.

726
00:54:22,520 --> 00:54:24,348
Is Nic Sheff your son?

727
00:54:27,916 --> 00:54:29,440
Uh, Mr. Sheff,

728
00:54:29,483 --> 00:54:31,920
I'm sorry
we missed each other earlier.

729
00:54:31,964 --> 00:54:35,097
So, Nic is still experiencing
some respiratory depression,

730
00:54:35,141 --> 00:54:37,012
but his vital signs
are returning.

731
00:54:37,056 --> 00:54:39,406
Sir, we're ready for departure.

732
00:54:39,450 --> 00:54:40,929
Okay, okay.

733
00:54:40,973 --> 00:54:43,584
Um... may I talk to him?

734
00:54:43,628 --> 00:54:46,021
- No, that won't be possible.
- Sir, I need you to turn off

735
00:54:46,065 --> 00:54:47,675
- the phone. -Believe me,
we shouldn't wake him up.

736
00:54:47,719 --> 00:54:49,590
- Mm-hmm. -Try again
in a few hours, though, okay?

737
00:54:49,634 --> 00:54:52,593
- Okay. Uh, would you let him
know that... -Sir. Sir.

738
00:54:52,637 --> 00:54:56,031
- Please. -Would you please let
him know that I'm on my way?

739
00:55:04,431 --> 00:55:05,606
He checked out.

740
00:55:05,650 --> 00:55:06,868
What?

741
00:55:06,912 --> 00:55:08,348
Against doctor's orders.

742
00:55:08,392 --> 00:55:10,437
- No, no, he O.D.'d.
- I'm sorry, sir.

743
00:55:10,481 --> 00:55:12,787
He pulled out the I.V.
and catheter, and left.

744
00:55:12,831 --> 00:55:14,223
How long ago?

745
00:55:14,267 --> 00:55:16,704
Ten to 15 minutes.

746
00:55:16,748 --> 00:55:19,141
I'm sorry, sir.

747
00:55:42,817 --> 00:55:44,776
Yes.

748
00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:07,494
Look, I've thought about it,

749
00:56:07,538 --> 00:56:09,409
and I'm done with drugs.

750
00:56:09,453 --> 00:56:11,542
This is it.

751
00:56:13,935 --> 00:56:16,329
I'm telling you, Dad.

752
00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:18,331
I'm done.

753
00:56:28,515 --> 00:56:30,909
And how would that work?

754
00:56:30,952 --> 00:56:34,434
I mean,
after what just happened.

755
00:56:49,667 --> 00:56:51,799
Now, if you're in the area,

756
00:56:51,843 --> 00:56:53,410
evacuation orders and details,

757
00:56:53,453 --> 00:56:55,716
including relocation centers,
can be found on...

758
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:58,110
So, at 3:00,
we have a conference call

759
00:56:58,153 --> 00:56:59,720
with the intake people
in Mississippi.

760
00:56:59,764 --> 00:57:01,069
That's all for now.

761
00:57:01,113 --> 00:57:02,723
3:30, the one in New Mexico.

762
00:57:02,767 --> 00:57:04,725
And 4:00, the one in Oregon.

763
00:57:04,769 --> 00:57:07,467
I did some research
on the one in New Mexico.

764
00:57:07,511 --> 00:57:10,818
Mm-hmm.
- They charge $40,000 a month.

765
00:57:10,862 --> 00:57:12,429
You know,
it's not even that well rated.

766
00:57:12,472 --> 00:57:14,518
We'll just skip that one.

767
00:57:14,561 --> 00:57:17,303
Listen, if a spot
opens up here in Los Angeles,

768
00:57:17,346 --> 00:57:19,523
maybe that's the best solution
for now.

769
00:57:19,566 --> 00:57:22,526
- I'll hear back from them
in an hour. -Mm.

770
00:57:23,788 --> 00:57:25,746
Give it a rest, David.

771
00:57:25,790 --> 00:57:27,922
Why don't you let me
take over for now?

772
00:57:33,275 --> 00:57:34,799
Mm.

773
00:57:34,842 --> 00:57:36,627
Dad?

774
00:57:36,670 --> 00:57:38,455
Yeah.

775
00:57:38,498 --> 00:57:42,415
Will you check on me
every 15 minutes?

776
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,809
Yes.

777
00:58:22,368 --> 00:58:24,675
Do you want to bring
one of your dinosaurs, too?

778
00:58:27,765 --> 00:58:29,549
How about a book?

779
00:58:31,246 --> 00:58:33,771
No? Okay.

780
00:58:41,300 --> 00:58:42,997
Hey. Hey.

781
00:58:45,304 --> 00:58:47,393
Can I have a hug?

782
00:58:47,436 --> 00:58:48,481
No?

783
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,048
Why not?

784
00:58:50,091 --> 00:58:52,572
Are you mad at me?

785
00:58:52,616 --> 00:58:54,748
'Cause you have to go?

786
00:58:55,749 --> 00:58:57,403
Okay.

787
00:58:57,446 --> 00:59:01,276
Well... you'll be happy
to see Mommy, though, right?

788
00:59:03,322 --> 00:59:05,280
I want you to know something.

789
00:59:05,324 --> 00:59:07,718
When you come back,
I'm gonna be here...

790
00:59:07,761 --> 00:59:10,851
right... I'm gonna be
right here for you.

791
00:59:10,895 --> 00:59:12,636
Okay?

792
00:59:12,679 --> 00:59:15,856
And call me when you miss me,
and I'll call you.

793
00:59:17,118 --> 00:59:19,556
Do you know
how much I love you?

794
00:59:26,519 --> 00:59:30,654
If you could take all the words
in the language,

795
00:59:30,697 --> 00:59:33,831
it still wouldn't describe
how much I love you.

796
00:59:33,874 --> 00:59:37,095
And if you could gather
all those words together,

797
00:59:37,138 --> 00:59:39,880
it still wouldn't describe
what I feel for you.

798
00:59:39,924 --> 00:59:42,883
What I feel for you
is everything.

799
00:59:44,711 --> 00:59:47,584
I love you
more than everything.

800
00:59:49,281 --> 00:59:51,631
Everything?

801
00:59:51,675 --> 00:59:53,328
Yeah, everything.

802
01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:27,493
Hey.

803
01:00:27,536 --> 01:00:29,713
That's my mom.

804
01:00:29,756 --> 01:00:32,716
I'm really glad
you came to I.A.

805
01:00:32,759 --> 01:00:34,631
You know that, right?

806
01:00:40,506 --> 01:00:42,682
You just don't know
what it is to be...

807
01:00:42,726 --> 01:00:44,684
- Please don't do this, Mom.
- Okay.

808
01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,904
I'm sorry. Okay.

809
01:00:53,562 --> 01:00:56,174
All I could think about
was you.

810
01:01:01,179 --> 01:01:04,530
I know this must sound
meaningless, but I'm sorry.

811
01:01:08,055 --> 01:01:10,275
I'm-I'm sorry.

812
01:01:11,755 --> 01:01:13,408
Oh, Nicky.

813
01:01:19,153 --> 01:01:21,678
You are such a darling.

814
01:01:21,721 --> 01:01:23,680
You know that, right?

815
01:01:28,032 --> 01:01:30,164
Whew.

816
01:01:44,222 --> 01:01:46,180
Hey, come on, old man!

817
01:01:46,224 --> 01:01:48,443
- You're being so disrespectful.
- I'm not being disrespectful.

818
01:01:48,487 --> 01:01:50,750
You're being so disrespectful.

819
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:54,406
- I'm coming for you!
- Oh, motherfucker!

820
01:01:54,449 --> 01:01:57,365
Uh-huh. You about
to look at my ass, baby!

821
01:01:57,409 --> 01:01:59,672
You about to look at my ass!

822
01:02:08,420 --> 01:02:10,074
Fuck.

823
01:02:33,184 --> 01:02:34,663
That's what I get for helping.

824
01:02:34,707 --> 01:02:36,491
Why'd you pull that hard?

825
01:02:36,535 --> 01:02:38,885
- I'm sorry.
- Why do you hate me?

826
01:02:54,596 --> 01:02:56,598
How does this feel?

827
01:03:00,864 --> 01:03:04,128
Like I'm a real human being.

828
01:03:12,092 --> 01:03:15,661
One day,
I tried methamphetamine...

829
01:03:15,704 --> 01:03:18,142
Yeah. That felt good.

830
01:03:18,185 --> 01:03:20,666
...and I thought,

831
01:03:20,709 --> 01:03:23,103
"This is what's been missing."

832
01:03:23,147 --> 01:03:25,802
I felt complete.

833
01:03:25,845 --> 01:03:27,847
Today's a good day.

834
01:03:27,891 --> 01:03:30,719
Yeah, I've been
chasing that high

835
01:03:30,763 --> 01:03:32,721
ever since.

836
01:03:32,765 --> 01:03:34,723
No matter...

837
01:03:34,767 --> 01:03:36,725
how much meth...

838
01:03:36,769 --> 01:03:40,686
or whatever else I can find
to shoot up into my body...

839
01:03:40,729 --> 01:03:43,167
I do, it's never enough.

840
01:03:46,474 --> 01:03:49,869
And I went
to a couple of rehabs,

841
01:03:49,913 --> 01:03:51,479
I detoxed,

842
01:03:51,523 --> 01:03:54,265
they would talk
about disease, sure,

843
01:03:54,308 --> 01:03:55,875
but...

844
01:03:55,919 --> 01:03:57,616
it never clicked.

845
01:04:00,488 --> 01:04:04,710
Until one day
I woke up in a hospital

846
01:04:04,753 --> 01:04:08,018
and someone asked me,

847
01:04:08,061 --> 01:04:10,498
"What's your problem?"

848
01:04:13,327 --> 01:04:16,548
And I said, "I'm an alcoholic
and an addict."

849
01:04:16,591 --> 01:04:18,376
And he said...

850
01:04:18,419 --> 01:04:21,596
"No, that's how you've
been treating your problem."

851
01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,598
Mm-hmm.
- That's right.

852
01:04:23,642 --> 01:04:27,037
I know now I need to find a way

853
01:04:27,080 --> 01:04:30,344
to fill this...

854
01:04:30,388 --> 01:04:32,477
big...

855
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:34,783
black hole in me.

856
01:04:39,005 --> 01:04:40,877
Anyway, so...

857
01:04:40,920 --> 01:04:44,010
I'm 14 months clean.

858
01:04:44,054 --> 01:04:46,230
I have a job at a rehab.

859
01:04:47,753 --> 01:04:50,016
It's fulfilling
to help other people get sober.

860
01:04:52,540 --> 01:04:55,717
I have a sponsor, Spencer.

861
01:04:55,761 --> 01:04:58,590
Shows me how great
my life can be sober.

862
01:05:00,026 --> 01:05:02,420
And, um, I still have family.

863
01:05:04,422 --> 01:05:07,207
My mom's been amazing.

864
01:05:07,251 --> 01:05:10,080
My dad's been amazing, too.

865
01:05:15,955 --> 01:05:18,262
I want them to be proud of me.

866
01:05:57,562 --> 01:06:00,217
You all right?

867
01:06:00,260 --> 01:06:02,393
What's wrong? You nervous?

868
01:06:02,436 --> 01:06:03,698
Yeah.

869
01:06:10,357 --> 01:06:12,620
Thank you for marrying me.

870
01:06:14,013 --> 01:06:16,015
Thank you for being
a perfect partner

871
01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:18,061
in an imperfect world.

872
01:06:19,801 --> 01:06:22,543
Thank you for introducing me
to your amazing son.

873
01:06:24,676 --> 01:06:26,634
Uh, I'm here for you,

874
01:06:26,678 --> 01:06:27,984
and I'm here to stay.

875
01:06:28,027 --> 01:06:30,073
Karen, thank you...

876
01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:32,118
for loving me.

877
01:06:33,424 --> 01:06:35,165
And thank you for loving him.

878
01:06:45,218 --> 01:06:47,699
Looks him square in the eye,
and he says, "Superman..."

879
01:06:51,181 --> 01:06:52,704
Perfect.

880
01:07:12,637 --> 01:07:14,595
- Hey, good to see you.
- Good to see you.

881
01:07:14,639 --> 01:07:17,076
Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy!

882
01:07:20,384 --> 01:07:22,125
Hey, Jazzy Jeff.

883
01:07:22,168 --> 01:07:24,170
What's going on, man?

884
01:07:24,214 --> 01:07:25,780
Hey, man, I miss you more

885
01:07:25,824 --> 01:07:28,827
than the sun misses
the moon at night.

886
01:07:28,870 --> 01:07:30,829
Mm.

887
01:07:32,352 --> 01:07:34,180
- Hey, Karen.
- Hey.

888
01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:41,622
Thank you for inviting me.

889
01:07:41,666 --> 01:07:43,276
Seriously.

890
01:08:13,350 --> 01:08:15,569
Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy!
Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy!

891
01:08:15,613 --> 01:08:17,049
Go, Daisy!

892
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:18,616
Hey, honey.

893
01:08:22,315 --> 01:08:24,187
Go, Daisy, go!

894
01:08:33,892 --> 01:08:36,242
Nice.

895
01:08:38,940 --> 01:08:41,595
Oh! Ah, you!

896
01:08:41,639 --> 01:08:43,467
It's Daisy!

897
01:08:46,165 --> 01:08:47,732
Whoa!

898
01:08:56,001 --> 01:08:57,959
"If the marker is depleted

899
01:08:58,003 --> 01:08:59,918
"in meth addicts' brains,

900
01:08:59,961 --> 01:09:02,660
"it's likely there is
a loss of nerve terminals

901
01:09:02,703 --> 01:09:05,184
"and the brain damage
is irreversible.

902
01:09:05,228 --> 01:09:07,665
"However,
when I tested for VMAT2,

903
01:09:07,708 --> 01:09:10,711
- I found normal levels."
- So that's optimistic.

904
01:09:10,755 --> 01:09:13,236
- Normal levels is optimistic, yeah.
- It's...

905
01:09:13,279 --> 01:09:14,672
- It is.
- Okay.

906
01:09:14,715 --> 01:09:16,239
- No. I'm not...
- I was just checking.

907
01:09:16,282 --> 01:09:17,762
- No, no, that's good.
- Okay.

908
01:09:17,805 --> 01:09:19,067
Basically...

909
01:09:19,111 --> 01:09:20,417
the fried...

910
01:09:20,460 --> 01:09:22,462
Nic's fried nerve endings

911
01:09:22,506 --> 01:09:24,943
can grow back.

912
01:09:24,986 --> 01:09:27,163
They say it can take
two years, but...

913
01:09:27,206 --> 01:09:29,382
- Two years?
- Yeah.

914
01:09:29,426 --> 01:09:31,950
But that's great, David.

915
01:09:41,264 --> 01:09:43,962
- Hey.
- Hey.

916
01:09:44,005 --> 01:09:47,095
- You're kind of late.
- Yeah. It was a great meeting,

917
01:09:47,139 --> 01:09:49,272
and after, we went
to the speaker's house

918
01:09:49,315 --> 01:09:51,230
and watched a video and...

919
01:09:51,274 --> 01:09:55,234
saw my sober sponsee bros
earlier, so...

920
01:09:55,278 --> 01:09:57,280
No phone?

921
01:09:57,323 --> 01:09:59,325
Oh, my cell was dead.

922
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,418
Would you be okay
to do a drug test?

923
01:10:06,463 --> 01:10:08,682
Yeah, I mean, sure.

924
01:10:08,726 --> 01:10:10,249
Okay.

925
01:10:27,658 --> 01:10:30,269
You understand why, right?

926
01:10:30,313 --> 01:10:34,621
Yeah. I mean, I should've
called to let you know, so...

927
01:10:34,665 --> 01:10:38,538
I trust you... we just need
to have some sort of proof.

928
01:10:42,325 --> 01:10:44,892
That's about as contradictory
as it gets.

929
01:10:44,936 --> 01:10:47,243
- But...
- I know. I know.

930
01:10:49,332 --> 01:10:51,508
I'll do it. No worries.

931
01:10:51,551 --> 01:10:53,901
Nothing to hide.

932
01:10:54,946 --> 01:10:56,382
Okay.

933
01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:01,257
Hey, you're doing great.

934
01:11:02,736 --> 01:11:04,564
You really are.

935
01:11:04,608 --> 01:11:07,611
By my count, 485 days clean.

936
01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:09,743
Wow. Come on, that's...

937
01:11:13,660 --> 01:11:16,446
I'll just leave it
in the bathroom, right? Okay.

938
01:11:17,490 --> 01:11:19,057
All right.

939
01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:21,059
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night.

940
01:11:21,102 --> 01:11:23,191
- I love you.
- I love you, too.

941
01:11:54,614 --> 01:11:56,573
- All right, Jasper, you ready?
- Yep.

942
01:11:56,616 --> 01:11:58,749
Let's go, let's go, let's go.

943
01:11:58,792 --> 01:12:00,968
Hey. No, no, no, wait.

944
01:12:01,012 --> 01:12:04,145
- Jasper, I don't want you
to go out there. -What?

945
01:12:04,189 --> 01:12:05,930
Mom, we won't go far, I swear!

946
01:12:05,973 --> 01:12:07,758
The waves are too big.
It's too dangerous.

947
01:12:07,801 --> 01:12:08,976
But I am a great swimmer.

948
01:12:09,020 --> 01:12:10,282
I've been in waves
way bigger than this.

949
01:12:10,326 --> 01:12:12,197
Yes, I know that,
but I don't want you to...

950
01:12:12,240 --> 01:12:13,720
- Yeah, I'll stay close.
- Nic will stay close,

951
01:12:13,764 --> 01:12:16,375
you see?

952
01:12:16,419 --> 01:12:18,116
Karen, I'm gonna stay...

953
01:12:18,159 --> 01:12:20,031
- I'll stay close.
- Nic can go in.

954
01:12:20,074 --> 01:12:21,206
That's fine. You, no.

955
01:12:21,249 --> 01:12:23,121
And that is final.

956
01:12:23,164 --> 01:12:24,601
We'll see about that.

957
01:12:24,644 --> 01:12:27,343
- Hey!
- Okay. It's fine.

958
01:12:27,386 --> 01:12:29,649
It's fine.

959
01:12:38,179 --> 01:12:40,138
Should we just play a game
instead?

960
01:12:40,181 --> 01:12:42,401
- Uh...
- Yeah?

961
01:12:44,838 --> 01:12:47,101
Are you a hurfboard?

962
01:12:47,145 --> 01:12:49,495
- No.
- No?

963
01:12:49,539 --> 01:12:51,497
Are you a hicycle?

964
01:12:51,541 --> 01:12:53,369
- No.
- No?

965
01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:55,675
Okay. Uh, are you edible?

966
01:12:55,719 --> 01:12:57,242
Not really.

967
01:12:57,285 --> 01:12:59,375
- Not really?
- Not really.

968
01:12:59,418 --> 01:13:00,941
So, sort of.

969
01:13:00,985 --> 01:13:03,204
So, um...

970
01:13:03,248 --> 01:13:04,989
are you a house?

971
01:13:05,032 --> 01:13:08,122
Yes. How did you know?

972
01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:09,863
You know,

973
01:13:09,907 --> 01:13:12,300
I can read your mind.

974
01:13:12,344 --> 01:13:15,129
- Ooh...
- Ooh...

975
01:13:16,348 --> 01:13:18,132
I know you're a great swimmer.

976
01:13:18,176 --> 01:13:20,134
I'm gonna be there to cheer
for you at your next swim meet.

977
01:13:20,178 --> 01:13:21,222
How does that sound?

978
01:13:21,266 --> 01:13:22,789
Yeah?

979
01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:25,226
Okay.

980
01:13:25,270 --> 01:13:27,620
Hey, is it weird to see me
after all this time?

981
01:13:27,664 --> 01:13:28,621
Or no?

982
01:13:28,665 --> 01:13:30,406
I guess it was, at first.

983
01:13:30,449 --> 01:13:33,496
- Okay. -I thought
you might be different.

984
01:13:33,539 --> 01:13:36,803
But you're just
the same old Nic.

985
01:13:59,347 --> 01:14:02,481
- That was a great weekend.
- Mm-hmm.

986
01:14:55,708 --> 01:14:58,537
Go, Nic!

987
01:15:25,956 --> 01:15:28,524
Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic!

988
01:15:28,567 --> 01:15:30,787
Bye, Nic!

989
01:15:53,287 --> 01:15:55,594
One day at a time, man.

990
01:15:55,638 --> 01:15:57,204
Congratulations.
Welcome to the real world.

991
01:15:57,248 --> 01:15:59,076
Oh, I don't want to live
in the real world.

992
01:15:59,119 --> 01:16:00,730
I'm so sick of living in it.

993
01:16:00,773 --> 01:16:02,253
- -That's your disease
talking to you, man.

994
01:16:02,296 --> 01:16:03,776
- Oh, I'm trying.
- By trying to isolate you.

995
01:16:03,820 --> 01:16:05,386
Trying to kill you.
You know this, man.

996
01:16:05,430 --> 01:16:07,258
I don't feel like
I have a disease, Spencer.

997
01:16:07,301 --> 01:16:09,086
I feel like...

998
01:16:09,129 --> 01:16:12,176
- Well, you got to. -This isn't
like fucking cancer.

999
01:16:12,219 --> 01:16:15,527
This is my fucking choice.
I put myself here.

1000
01:16:15,571 --> 01:16:17,181
Yeah, you did.
You did put yourself there.

1001
01:16:17,224 --> 01:16:18,922
Are you gonna let me talk
or what?

1002
01:16:18,965 --> 01:16:21,925
Okay? Like, you're a writer,
right? So write.

1003
01:16:21,968 --> 01:16:24,275
You're good at it. This is
your day. This is a choice.

1004
01:16:24,318 --> 01:16:26,016
- What do you want to do now?
- Fucking...

1005
01:16:26,059 --> 01:16:27,757
Once you get high,
you lose all your choices.

1006
01:16:27,800 --> 01:16:29,541
- If you get high,
you lose everything. -Right.

1007
01:16:29,585 --> 01:16:32,413
All right, so you got
to keep choosing the right way.

1008
01:16:34,981 --> 01:16:36,940
- Right.
- That's right.

1009
01:16:36,983 --> 01:16:38,768
You choose the right way.

1010
01:16:38,811 --> 01:16:40,291
Right. All right, hey, listen,

1011
01:16:40,334 --> 01:16:41,814
I'm gonna give you
a call later, all right?

1012
01:16:41,858 --> 01:16:43,337
Uh, I-I feel
like I'm gonna do all right.

1013
01:16:43,381 --> 01:16:44,643
You blowing me off now?

1014
01:16:44,687 --> 01:16:46,297
You gonna call me
and waste my time?

1015
01:16:46,340 --> 01:16:48,081
Don't waste my time.
I'm here for you, man.

1016
01:16:48,125 --> 01:16:49,648
You know what, look,
I'm having some steaks tonight.

1017
01:16:49,692 --> 01:16:50,823
Why don't you come over
for dinner.

1018
01:16:50,867 --> 01:16:52,085
- All right, I'll see you then.
- You...

1019
01:16:52,129 --> 01:16:53,521
That sounds great.
I'll see you then.

1020
01:16:53,565 --> 01:16:55,001
- Yo, Nic, Nic.
- Yes, sir. I'll see you then.

1021
01:16:55,045 --> 01:16:57,134
- Nic...
- All right, bye-bye.

1022
01:17:54,147 --> 01:17:56,193
Nic Sheff.

1023
01:17:56,236 --> 01:17:58,195
Lauren. What?

1024
01:17:58,238 --> 01:18:00,458
What are you...

1025
01:18:02,329 --> 01:18:04,027
Wow, it's been a long time.

1026
01:18:04,070 --> 01:18:05,550
What-what are you doing here?

1027
01:18:05,593 --> 01:18:08,118
Just, uh...

1028
01:18:09,989 --> 01:18:12,296
What?

1029
01:18:15,473 --> 01:18:17,040
I've been sober for a while,

1030
01:18:17,083 --> 01:18:20,130
but I'm seriously looking
to party right now.

1031
01:18:43,457 --> 01:18:46,156
I got what you need.
We have E, we have pills, man.

1032
01:18:46,199 --> 01:18:48,245
We have E.
I told you, I told you.

1033
01:18:56,209 --> 01:18:58,995
Can you get me
a cup of water and a spoon?

1034
01:18:59,038 --> 01:19:00,431
Mm-hmm.

1035
01:19:00,474 --> 01:19:02,825
All right.

1036
01:19:18,971 --> 01:19:21,365
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.

1037
01:19:21,408 --> 01:19:24,020
- Here you go.
- Thank you.

1038
01:19:25,021 --> 01:19:27,240
Cotton and a spoon.

1039
01:19:50,002 --> 01:19:52,831
Mmm.

1040
01:20:03,537 --> 01:20:05,757
All right, that's it.

1041
01:20:05,801 --> 01:20:07,759
That's it.

1042
01:20:17,464 --> 01:20:19,423
Wow.

1043
01:22:38,692 --> 01:22:40,825
Your call has been forwarded

1044
01:22:40,868 --> 01:22:42,827
to an automated
voice messaging system.

1045
01:22:42,870 --> 01:22:44,698
At the tone,
please record your message.

1046
01:22:46,048 --> 01:22:47,658
It's Dad again.

1047
01:22:47,701 --> 01:22:49,703
I feel like you might
have been a little down

1048
01:22:49,747 --> 01:22:52,619
when you left, Nic, so I'm here
to talk if you need to.

1049
01:22:52,663 --> 01:22:55,318
All right.

1050
01:23:07,460 --> 01:23:09,941
So you have no idea
where he is?

1051
01:23:09,985 --> 01:23:12,509
Uh, Spencer told me
he heard from him.

1052
01:23:12,552 --> 01:23:15,512
He was having a difficult time,
but he was pulling through.

1053
01:23:15,555 --> 01:23:19,255
But, yeah, he's not at work,
he's not at home.

1054
01:23:19,298 --> 01:23:21,648
- He's unreachable on his cell.
- Damn it. Damn it. Vicki,

1055
01:23:21,692 --> 01:23:24,651
he left here two days ago.
Why didn't you check on him?

1056
01:23:24,695 --> 01:23:27,045
You're supposed to be taking
care of this kid, right?

1057
01:23:27,089 --> 01:23:28,655
What the fuck, David?

1058
01:23:28,699 --> 01:23:30,962
Who's been taking care of him
the last year?

1059
01:23:31,006 --> 01:23:32,572
Well, you could've checked
on him.

1060
01:23:32,616 --> 01:23:34,313
I mean, what the fuck
is your problem?

1061
01:23:34,357 --> 01:23:36,881
What do you think I do all day?

1062
01:23:36,924 --> 01:23:40,276
Besides, we can't run
surveillance on him 24/7.

1063
01:23:40,319 --> 01:23:43,279
I think you need to go
to the police right now

1064
01:23:43,322 --> 01:23:45,281
and file a missing persons
report, okay?

1065
01:23:45,324 --> 01:23:47,239
- Stop yelling at me!
- No, I'm not gonna stop

1066
01:23:47,283 --> 01:23:49,546
- yelling at you, Vicki.
- I hate it when you do that.

1067
01:23:49,589 --> 01:23:50,982
- Because you're just...
- You're totally crazy.

1068
01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:52,418
What are you even doing there?!

1069
01:23:52,462 --> 01:23:54,290
- Fucking unfair, David!
- No, no! Listen to me!

1070
01:23:54,333 --> 01:23:56,335
What are...

1071
01:23:57,336 --> 01:23:59,643
Damn.

1072
01:23:59,686 --> 01:24:02,167
Fuck!

1073
01:24:08,739 --> 01:24:10,436
Dave?

1074
01:24:10,480 --> 01:24:13,222
Could you call my phone,
please?

1075
01:24:16,225 --> 01:24:18,096
What's going on?

1076
01:24:18,140 --> 01:24:20,011
He's gone.

1077
01:24:21,360 --> 01:24:24,407
How do we even know
he's in I.A.?

1078
01:24:24,450 --> 01:24:27,062
I mean, he could be in
San Francisco. He could be...

1079
01:24:27,105 --> 01:24:29,499
he could be in fucking Mexico,
for all we know.

1080
01:24:29,542 --> 01:24:31,109
I need to go.

1081
01:24:31,153 --> 01:24:33,851
Yeah, but I need you to stay.

1082
01:24:33,894 --> 01:24:35,679
Well, Vicki can't handle it
like I...

1083
01:24:35,722 --> 01:24:38,029
I don't care about Vicki.
This isn't about Vicki.

1084
01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:41,685
Okay, why don't you just relax
and try to be reasonable.

1085
01:24:41,728 --> 01:24:43,948
- What? You be reasonable.
- I am being reasonable.

1086
01:24:43,991 --> 01:24:44,992
Is this reasonable?!

1087
01:24:45,036 --> 01:24:47,604
No! It's not!

1088
01:24:47,647 --> 01:24:49,040
How can I be?!

1089
01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:50,607
My son is out there somewhere,

1090
01:24:50,650 --> 01:24:52,261
and I don't know
what he's doing!

1091
01:24:52,304 --> 01:24:53,871
I don't know how to help him!

1092
01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:56,352
You can't!

1093
01:25:06,840 --> 01:25:08,581
I can't sleep.

1094
01:25:12,629 --> 01:25:13,586
You can't sleep?

1095
01:25:13,630 --> 01:25:15,153
I can't sleep.

1096
01:25:15,197 --> 01:25:16,415
Okay.

1097
01:25:20,593 --> 01:25:22,595
Good night, Daddy.

1098
01:25:23,596 --> 01:25:25,163
Good night.

1099
01:26:02,592 --> 01:26:04,289
Let go!

1100
01:26:04,333 --> 01:26:05,986
Airplane flying!

1101
01:26:11,078 --> 01:26:13,037
Fly away! Fly!

1102
01:27:20,626 --> 01:27:22,411
No. Uh-uh. Come on, not
you. Come on. -DAVID: Hold on.

1103
01:27:22,454 --> 01:27:24,195
- Get back in. Guys, come on.
- Hold on. Hold on, honey.

1104
01:27:24,239 --> 01:27:25,979
- Wait.
- Good dog.

1105
01:27:27,894 --> 01:27:31,158
I thought
Nic was gonna be here today.

1106
01:27:31,202 --> 01:27:33,465
Uh, no. Something came up.

1107
01:27:34,466 --> 01:27:36,599
Can I call him?

1108
01:27:36,642 --> 01:27:38,601
No, no. You can't.

1109
01:27:38,644 --> 01:27:40,211
It's not gonna be possible.

1110
01:27:40,255 --> 01:27:41,299
Why not?

1111
01:27:41,343 --> 01:27:43,301
Because it's not.

1112
01:27:43,345 --> 01:27:46,130
Is Nic back on drugs again?

1113
01:29:29,581 --> 01:29:31,496
All right.

1114
01:31:12,728 --> 01:31:15,121
Come on, Jasper!
Whup.

1115
01:31:26,568 --> 01:31:28,570
Yup.

1116
01:31:52,071 --> 01:31:53,159
You got it?

1117
01:31:53,203 --> 01:31:55,292
Oh, fuck. Okay.
Hey, Lauren.

1118
01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:58,251
- Lauren, let's go.
- What?

1119
01:31:58,295 --> 01:31:59,862
We got to go.

1120
01:32:01,559 --> 01:32:03,474
- What's going on?
- Here.

1121
01:32:03,518 --> 01:32:06,172
We got to go.

1122
01:32:06,216 --> 01:32:08,218
Fine.

1123
01:32:21,623 --> 01:32:24,234
I think I just saw Nic.

1124
01:32:24,277 --> 01:32:26,018
What?

1125
01:32:26,062 --> 01:32:29,195
I think I just saw Nic
and a girl running away.

1126
01:32:35,941 --> 01:32:37,508
Nic.

1127
01:32:37,552 --> 01:32:38,988
Uh, no. Stay inside.

1128
01:32:39,031 --> 01:32:40,816
- Okay.
- No.

1129
01:32:40,859 --> 01:32:44,689
All right, no. Stay inside!
I am not kidding, all right?

1130
01:32:44,733 --> 01:32:46,561
Stay there.

1131
01:32:49,651 --> 01:32:51,609
Okay.

1132
01:32:51,653 --> 01:32:54,264
- Shit.
- Never again.

1133
01:32:54,307 --> 01:32:56,571
- It's okay. Hey.
- What do we do? What do we do?

1134
01:32:56,614 --> 01:32:58,007
It's all right.

1135
01:33:02,968 --> 01:33:05,144
That was so terrible.

1136
01:33:05,188 --> 01:33:08,365
Oh, fuck!

1137
01:33:12,804 --> 01:33:15,198
Nic? Nic? Nic!

1138
01:33:16,895 --> 01:33:18,288
Oh...

1139
01:33:30,430 --> 01:33:32,389
Oh. No. No. No.

1140
01:34:48,508 --> 01:34:51,294
Come on!

1141
01:35:18,756 --> 01:35:21,977
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

1142
01:35:46,044 --> 01:35:47,785
Okay. Okay.

1143
01:35:50,048 --> 01:35:51,789
911. What is your emergency?

1144
01:35:51,833 --> 01:35:53,791
Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f...
I'm-I'm with a friend.

1145
01:35:53,835 --> 01:35:55,140
She just O.D.'d, and, uh,

1146
01:35:55,184 --> 01:35:56,794
I need an ambulance,
I need some help.

1147
01:35:56,838 --> 01:35:58,187
Sir, do you know CPR?

1148
01:35:58,230 --> 01:35:59,754
Yeah, I'm doing it right now.
I just...

1149
01:35:59,797 --> 01:36:01,886
Uh, we... You-you guys,
you got to send an ambulance,

1150
01:36:01,930 --> 01:36:04,106
- too, all right?
- What is your location?

1151
01:36:04,149 --> 01:36:06,151
Yeah, I don't know.

1152
01:36:06,195 --> 01:36:07,805
Y-You-you guys are gonna have
to trace the call.

1153
01:36:07,849 --> 01:36:09,589
Hello?

1154
01:36:09,633 --> 01:36:13,028
Hello?
Sir, are you still there?

1155
01:36:13,071 --> 01:36:15,378
Sir?

1156
01:36:18,294 --> 01:36:19,817
Sir? Sir?

1157
01:36:28,739 --> 01:36:31,698
Look up.

1158
01:36:31,742 --> 01:36:33,439
Honey, look up for me.

1159
01:36:34,919 --> 01:36:38,314
Can you look up this way
over here?

1160
01:36:38,357 --> 01:36:40,446
Hey, look, we're gonna need
to take you to the ER.

1161
01:36:40,490 --> 01:36:41,883
I-I don't...
I don't want to. I-I...

1162
01:36:41,926 --> 01:36:43,493
- We need to take you to the ER.
- I'm fine.

1163
01:36:43,536 --> 01:36:44,842
She doesn't want to go
to the ER. She's...

1164
01:36:44,886 --> 01:36:46,496
She's... No, she's not okay.
We need to take her

1165
01:36:46,539 --> 01:36:47,889
- to the ER.
- But she doesn't want to go.

1166
01:36:47,932 --> 01:36:49,629
No, sir, she needs to go!

1167
01:36:49,673 --> 01:36:51,327
Okay?

1168
01:36:51,370 --> 01:36:53,851
You have a problem with that,
I can inform the police.

1169
01:36:53,895 --> 01:36:55,635
Goddamn it.

1170
01:36:55,679 --> 01:36:59,117
You're gonna come
and meet me, right?

1171
01:36:59,161 --> 01:37:00,597
- Yes. Yes!
- You promise?

1172
01:37:00,640 --> 01:37:03,034
I love you.

1173
01:37:03,078 --> 01:37:05,515
I love you, too.

1174
01:37:05,558 --> 01:37:07,212
- You promise you're gonna meet me?
- Yes, Lauren.

1175
01:37:07,256 --> 01:37:09,301
I'll come fucking meet you.
What do you want from me?

1176
01:37:09,345 --> 01:37:12,609
- Okay, okay.
- Jesus fucking Christ.

1177
01:37:38,940 --> 01:37:41,333
David Sheff.

1178
01:37:41,377 --> 01:37:43,118
Hey, Dad. It's me.

1179
01:37:45,816 --> 01:37:48,297
- Nic?
- Yeah.

1180
01:37:57,567 --> 01:37:59,612
Please don't hate me, Dad.

1181
01:38:01,136 --> 01:38:03,138
I know I did wrong.

1182
01:38:04,879 --> 01:38:06,924
I want to stop,
but please, please, please,

1183
01:38:06,968 --> 01:38:08,795
please, please,
please no rehab, all right?

1184
01:38:08,839 --> 01:38:11,668
Just let me come home.
You know what?

1185
01:38:11,711 --> 01:38:15,498
I realize it's actually
I... I-I need to be home.

1186
01:38:15,541 --> 01:38:20,285
You guys, you guys are gonna
give me the strength to stop.

1187
01:38:20,329 --> 01:38:22,331
All right?

1188
01:38:25,203 --> 01:38:27,205
That's not going to happen.

1189
01:38:36,475 --> 01:38:39,565
I wish that I could help you,

1190
01:38:39,609 --> 01:38:41,567
but I can't do that.

1191
01:38:41,611 --> 01:38:43,352
I c... I can't.

1192
01:38:43,395 --> 01:38:45,484
Oh, please help me, Dad.

1193
01:38:46,964 --> 01:38:49,184
No, Dad. I just need
a little bit of help.

1194
01:38:51,229 --> 01:38:53,318
Please help me.
I want to come home.

1195
01:38:53,362 --> 01:38:56,060
All I can tell you
is what you already know.

1196
01:38:56,104 --> 01:38:58,541
Dad, why aren't you
fucking listening to me?

1197
01:38:58,584 --> 01:39:00,717
- Call your sponsor.
- I don't want to talk

1198
01:39:00,760 --> 01:39:02,632
to my sponsor now.
I want to talk to you.

1199
01:39:02,675 --> 01:39:04,590
Get help.

1200
01:39:04,634 --> 01:39:06,549
- I love you.
- Dad, what...

1201
01:39:06,592 --> 01:39:08,986
And I hope that you get
your life together.

1202
01:39:09,030 --> 01:39:10,596
I love you, too.

1203
01:39:10,640 --> 01:39:13,121
I love you.

1204
01:41:41,182 --> 01:41:44,010
- Hello.
- Nicolas called.

1205
01:41:44,054 --> 01:41:45,447
He sounds desperate.

1206
01:41:46,752 --> 01:41:48,667
Gonna die
if we don't do anything.

1207
01:41:48,711 --> 01:41:50,713
Well...

1208
01:41:50,756 --> 01:41:53,672
he's gonna die even if we do.

1209
01:41:53,716 --> 01:41:56,371
Nothing we do
has any effect on him.

1210
01:42:02,333 --> 01:42:03,900
I failed.

1211
01:42:03,943 --> 01:42:05,554
I know you feel ashamed, okay?

1212
01:42:05,597 --> 01:42:08,209
So do I.

1213
01:42:08,252 --> 01:42:10,559
But you have done great, David.

1214
01:42:10,602 --> 01:42:13,518
And Karen, too,
so thank you for that.

1215
01:42:13,562 --> 01:42:15,433
You were up for it
when I wasn't,

1216
01:42:15,477 --> 01:42:17,348
and I'm not giving up now.

1217
01:42:18,393 --> 01:42:20,221
Never.

1218
01:42:21,918 --> 01:42:24,660
But I can't do it alone.

1219
01:42:27,619 --> 01:42:30,405
I need your help.

1220
01:42:32,668 --> 01:42:35,671
I don't think
you can save people, Vicki.

1221
01:42:37,586 --> 01:42:40,980
You can be there
for them, can't you?

1222
01:42:44,810 --> 01:42:46,986
Look at this.

1223
01:42:52,122 --> 01:42:54,037
I'm done.

1224
01:42:54,080 --> 01:42:56,257
- Oh.
- Okay? I...

1225
01:42:56,300 --> 01:42:59,303
Okay.

1226
01:43:32,945 --> 01:43:34,947
Hey, everybody.

1227
01:43:34,991 --> 01:43:37,689
Time to get together.

1228
01:43:50,180 --> 01:43:54,315
I... I had a rough week.

1229
01:43:56,752 --> 01:43:58,493
Some of you know,
some of you don't.

1230
01:43:58,536 --> 01:44:00,190
I, um...

1231
01:44:00,234 --> 01:44:02,279
I lost my Frances this week.

1232
01:44:02,323 --> 01:44:05,456
She died of an overdose
on Sunday.

1233
01:44:05,500 --> 01:44:07,589
So...

1234
01:44:07,632 --> 01:44:11,593
I guess I'm in mourning,
but I-I...

1235
01:44:11,636 --> 01:44:14,030
I realized something else.

1236
01:44:14,073 --> 01:44:18,121
I've actually been in mourning
for years.

1237
01:44:20,210 --> 01:44:22,430
'Cause even when she was alive,
she...

1238
01:44:22,473 --> 01:44:24,997
she wasn't there.

1239
01:44:25,041 --> 01:44:29,306
When you mourn the living,

1240
01:44:29,350 --> 01:44:32,222
that's a hard way to live.

1241
01:44:34,224 --> 01:44:36,705
And so, in...

1242
01:44:36,748 --> 01:44:38,968
in a way, it's-it's...

1243
01:44:39,011 --> 01:44:41,100
it's better, I guess.

1244
01:44:45,279 --> 01:44:50,849
She was a dear,
dear young woman.

1245
01:44:52,808 --> 01:44:54,984
I always felt...

1246
01:44:55,027 --> 01:44:57,595
I needed to... to stay strong,

1247
01:44:57,639 --> 01:45:01,033
that there'd be
some future event,

1248
01:45:01,077 --> 01:45:03,688
and I'd... I'd need
all my strength for it.

1249
01:45:07,301 --> 01:45:09,781
But there are no events
after this one.

1250
01:45:09,825 --> 01:45:13,350
I hope she's not in pain now.

1251
01:45:20,052 --> 01:45:22,054
Bye, Frances.

1252
01:47:19,171 --> 01:47:21,435
Hey.

1253
01:47:21,478 --> 01:47:23,654
Hi.

1254
01:47:32,924 --> 01:47:34,491
How's he doing?

1255
01:47:34,535 --> 01:47:36,754
The doctor's with him now.

1256
01:47:38,364 --> 01:47:40,149
He said it's close to a miracle

1257
01:47:40,192 --> 01:47:43,152
Nic survived
with all the drugs in his body.

1258
01:54:42,876 --> 01:54:44,703
"Either peace or happiness,

1259
01:54:44,747 --> 01:54:46,575
"let it enfold you.

1260
01:54:46,618 --> 01:54:49,578
"When I was a young man,
I felt that these things

1261
01:54:49,621 --> 01:54:52,059
"were dumb, unsophisticated.

1262
01:54:52,102 --> 01:54:54,322
"I had bad blood,
a twisted mind,

1263
01:54:54,365 --> 01:54:56,454
"a precarious upbringing.

1264
01:54:56,498 --> 01:54:58,108
"I was hard as granite.

1265
01:54:58,152 --> 01:55:00,023
"I leered at the sun.

1266
01:55:00,067 --> 01:55:03,505
"I trusted no man
and especially no woman.

1267
01:55:03,548 --> 01:55:05,899
"I was living a hell
in small rooms.

1268
01:55:05,942 --> 01:55:07,639
"I broke things,
smashed things,

1269
01:55:07,683 --> 01:55:10,251
"walked through glass, cursed.

1270
01:55:10,294 --> 01:55:11,905
"I challenged everything,

1271
01:55:11,948 --> 01:55:14,124
"was continually being evicted,
jailed,

1272
01:55:14,168 --> 01:55:16,910
"in and out of fights,
in and out of my mind.

1273
01:55:16,953 --> 01:55:19,347
"Women were something
to screw and rail at.

1274
01:55:19,390 --> 01:55:21,479
"I had no male friends.

1275
01:55:21,523 --> 01:55:23,612
"I changed jobs and cities.

1276
01:55:23,655 --> 01:55:26,310
"I hated holidays,
babies, history,

1277
01:55:26,354 --> 01:55:28,965
"newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,

1278
01:55:29,009 --> 01:55:32,012
"marriage, movies, spiders,
garbagemen,

1279
01:55:32,055 --> 01:55:35,929
"English accents, Spain,
France, Italy,

1280
01:55:35,972 --> 01:55:38,670
"walnuts and the color orange.

1281
01:55:38,714 --> 01:55:40,542
"Algebra angered me.

1282
01:55:40,585 --> 01:55:42,500
"Opera sickened me.

1283
01:55:42,544 --> 01:55:44,589
"Charlie Chaplin was a fake.

1284
01:55:44,633 --> 01:55:46,765
"And flowers were for pansies.

1285
01:55:46,809 --> 01:55:50,160
"Peace and happiness were to me
signs of inferiority,

1286
01:55:50,204 --> 01:55:52,989
"tenants of the weak
and addled mind.

1287
01:55:53,033 --> 01:55:55,600
"But as I went on
with my alley fights,

1288
01:55:55,644 --> 01:55:57,167
"my suicidal years,

1289
01:55:57,211 --> 01:55:59,126
"my passage through
any number of women,

1290
01:55:59,169 --> 01:56:02,651
"it gradually began to occur
to me that I wasn't different

1291
01:56:02,694 --> 01:56:04,740
"from the others,
I was the same.

1292
01:56:04,783 --> 01:56:06,698
"They were all fulsome
with hatred,

1293
01:56:06,742 --> 01:56:09,092
"glossed over
with petty grievances.

1294
01:56:09,136 --> 01:56:11,747
"The men I fought in alleys
had hearts of stone.

1295
01:56:11,790 --> 01:56:13,749
"Everybody was nudging,
inching,

1296
01:56:13,792 --> 01:56:16,621
"cheating for some
insignificant advantage.

1297
01:56:16,665 --> 01:56:19,798
"The lie was the weapon,
and the plot was empty.

1298
01:56:19,842 --> 01:56:22,062
"Darkness was the dictator.

1299
01:56:22,105 --> 01:56:25,500
"Cautiously, I allowed myself
to feel good at times.

1300
01:56:25,543 --> 01:56:27,458
"I found moments of peace
in cheap rooms

1301
01:56:27,502 --> 01:56:30,505
"just staring at the knobs
of some dresser

1302
01:56:30,548 --> 01:56:32,855
"or listening
to the rain in the dark.

1303
01:56:32,898 --> 01:56:35,858
"The less I needed,
the better I felt.

1304
01:56:35,901 --> 01:56:37,773
"Maybe the other life
had worn me down.

1305
01:56:37,816 --> 01:56:39,470
"I no longer found glamour

1306
01:56:39,514 --> 01:56:41,864
"in topping somebody
in conversation

1307
01:56:41,907 --> 01:56:45,128
"or in mounting the body
of some poor, drunken female

1308
01:56:45,172 --> 01:56:47,652
"whose life had slipped away
into sorrow.

1309
01:56:47,696 --> 01:56:49,611
"I could never accept
life as it was.

1310
01:56:49,654 --> 01:56:52,440
"I could never gobble down
all its poisons.

1311
01:56:52,483 --> 01:56:54,746
"But there were parts,
tenuous magic parts,

1312
01:56:54,790 --> 01:56:56,748
"open for the asking.

1313
01:56:56,792 --> 01:56:58,315
"I reformulated.

1314
01:56:58,359 --> 01:57:00,361
"I don't know when...
date, time, all that...

1315
01:57:00,404 --> 01:57:02,015
"but the change occurred.

1316
01:57:02,058 --> 01:57:05,366
"Something in me relaxed,
smoothed out.

1317
01:57:05,409 --> 01:57:07,672
"I no longer had to prove
that I was a man.

1318
01:57:07,716 --> 01:57:09,413
"I didn't have to prove
anything.

1319
01:57:09,457 --> 01:57:11,198
"I began to see things.

1320
01:57:11,241 --> 01:57:13,939
"Coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a cafe.

1321
01:57:13,983 --> 01:57:16,420
"Or a dog walking
along a sidewalk.

1322
01:57:16,464 --> 01:57:18,379
"Or the way the mouse
on my dresser top

1323
01:57:18,422 --> 01:57:20,424
"stopped there,
really stopped there,

1324
01:57:20,468 --> 01:57:22,557
"with its body,
its ears, its nose.

1325
01:57:22,600 --> 01:57:26,430
"It was fixed, a bit of life
caught within itself,

1326
01:57:26,474 --> 01:57:30,260
"and its eyes looked at me,
and they were beautiful.

1327
01:57:30,304 --> 01:57:32,349
"Then it was gone.

1328
01:57:32,393 --> 01:57:34,221
"I began to feel good.

1329
01:57:34,264 --> 01:57:36,745
"I began to feel good
in the worst situations,

1330
01:57:36,788 --> 01:57:38,486
"and there were
plenty of those.

1331
01:57:38,529 --> 01:57:41,532
"Like, say, the boss
behind his desk.

1332
01:57:41,576 --> 01:57:43,665
"He is going to have
to fire me.

1333
01:57:43,708 --> 01:57:45,449
"I've missed too many days.

1334
01:57:45,493 --> 01:57:48,757
"He's dressed in a suit,
necktie, glasses.

1335
01:57:48,800 --> 01:57:51,542
"He says, 'I am going
to have to let you go.'

1336
01:57:51,586 --> 01:57:53,327
"'It's all right, '
I tell him.

1337
01:57:53,370 --> 01:57:54,806
"He must do what he must do.

1338
01:57:54,850 --> 01:57:56,765
"He has a wife,
a house, children,

1339
01:57:56,808 --> 01:57:59,985
"expenses,
most probably a girlfriend.

1340
01:58:00,029 --> 01:58:01,465
"I'm sorry for him.

1341
01:58:01,509 --> 01:58:03,119
"He's caught.

1342
01:58:03,163 --> 01:58:04,773
"I walk out into
the blazing sunshine.

1343
01:58:04,816 --> 01:58:07,558
"The whole day is mine,
temporarily anyhow.

1344
01:58:07,602 --> 01:58:10,170
"The whole world is at
the throat of the world.

1345
01:58:10,213 --> 01:58:13,129
"Everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated.

1346
01:58:13,173 --> 01:58:15,871
"Everybody is despondent,
disillusioned.

1347
01:58:15,914 --> 01:58:19,048
"I welcomed shots of peace,
tattered shards of happiness.

1348
01:58:19,092 --> 01:58:21,442
"I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,

1349
01:58:21,485 --> 01:58:24,358
"like high heels, breasts,
singing, the works.

1350
01:58:24,401 --> 01:58:25,924
"Don't get me wrong,

1351
01:58:25,968 --> 01:58:27,665
"there is such a thing
as cockeyed optimism

1352
01:58:27,709 --> 01:58:29,102
"that overlooks
all basic problems

1353
01:58:29,145 --> 01:58:30,581
"just for the sake of itself.

1354
01:58:30,625 --> 01:58:32,844
"This is a shield
and a sickness.

1355
01:58:32,888 --> 01:58:34,890
"The knife got near
my throat again.

1356
01:58:34,933 --> 01:58:36,805
"I almost turned on
the gas again.

1357
01:58:36,848 --> 01:58:38,807
"But when the good moments
arrived again,

1358
01:58:38,850 --> 01:58:40,939
"I didn't fight them off
like an alley adversary.

1359
01:58:40,983 --> 01:58:43,420
"I let them take me.
I luxuriated in them.

1360
01:58:43,464 --> 01:58:45,248
"I bade them welcome home.

1361
01:58:45,292 --> 01:58:46,902
"I even looked
into the mirror once

1362
01:58:46,945 --> 01:58:49,948
"having thought myself
to be ugly.

1363
01:58:49,992 --> 01:58:51,994
"I now liked what I saw.

1364
01:58:52,037 --> 01:58:53,691
"Almost handsome.

1365
01:58:53,735 --> 01:58:55,911
"Yes, a bit ripped and ragged.

1366
01:58:55,954 --> 01:58:58,087
"Scars, lumps, odd turns.

1367
01:58:58,131 --> 01:59:00,176
"But all in all, not too bad.

1368
01:59:00,220 --> 01:59:02,047
"Almost handsome.

1369
01:59:02,091 --> 01:59:04,137
"Better at least than some
of those movie star faces

1370
01:59:04,180 --> 01:59:05,877
"like the cheeks
of a baby's butt.

1371
01:59:05,921 --> 01:59:07,401
"And finally I discovered

1372
01:59:07,444 --> 01:59:09,751
"real feelings for others,
unheralded.

1373
01:59:09,794 --> 01:59:11,622
"Like lately,
like this morning,

1374
01:59:11,666 --> 01:59:15,148
"as I was leaving for the
track, I saw my wife in bed,

1375
01:59:15,191 --> 01:59:17,019
"just the shape
of her head there,

1376
01:59:17,062 --> 01:59:20,631
"covers pulled high, just
the shape of her head there.

1377
01:59:20,675 --> 01:59:23,068
"Not forgetting centuries
of the living and the dead

1378
01:59:23,112 --> 01:59:24,896
"and the dying, the pyramids,

1379
01:59:24,940 --> 01:59:27,421
"Mozart dead, but his music
still there in the room,

1380
01:59:27,464 --> 01:59:29,205
"weeds growing,
the Earth turning,

1381
01:59:29,249 --> 01:59:31,338
"the tote board waiting for me.

1382
01:59:31,381 --> 01:59:33,122
"I saw the shape
of my wife's head,

1383
01:59:33,166 --> 01:59:34,558
"she so still.

1384
01:59:34,602 --> 01:59:36,081
"I ached for her life,

1385
01:59:36,125 --> 01:59:37,779
"just being there
under the covers.

1386
01:59:37,822 --> 01:59:39,346
"I kissed her on the forehead,

1387
01:59:39,389 --> 01:59:41,130
"got down the stairway,
got outside,

1388
01:59:41,174 --> 01:59:43,611
"got into my marvelous car,
fixed the seat belt,

1389
01:59:43,654 --> 01:59:45,090
"backed out the drive.

1390
01:59:45,134 --> 01:59:46,918
"Feeling warm
to the fingertips,

1391
01:59:46,962 --> 01:59:49,747
"down to my foot
on the gas pedal,

1392
01:59:49,791 --> 01:59:51,706
"I entered the world once more,

1393
01:59:51,749 --> 01:59:53,795
"drove down the hill
past the houses

1394
01:59:53,838 --> 01:59:55,623
"full and empty of people.

1395
01:59:55,666 --> 01:59:58,103
"I saw the mailman, honked.

1396
01:59:58,147 --> 02:00:00,541
He waved back at me."