Wild West Anon

>Be me.
>I'm working as a mercenary along other conscripts of KEK.
>The King's Elven Knights.
>Despite the word knight, they aren't using swords and shields anymore. They've converted to the holy church of guns.
>It's a nostalgic title from before the /K/onvergence.
>Since then human technology and magic have done surprisingly well together.
>Nesi is on the frontier of Fantasia.
>The general culture of the region was always full of pioneer spirit, and ever since the /K/onvergence. It's taken on a Wild West.
>Apparently the style of dress and guns were all that was needed, everything else followed.
>It is quite a sight to see a horde of orcs with bows and arrows fighting elves wearing 10 gallon hats and firing Single Action Armys.
>The reason Nesi is on the frontier is because the magic is so strong here, making it difficult to settle.
>It also so happens that the older a gun is the better enchantments you can get out of it.
>Making lever actions, six shooters, and really any gun up to the World Wars perfect for the area.
>Hence why I was given an MP18, enchanted with white phosphorus to burn targets.
>Though when we finally get to Nesi.
>Everyone in KEK looks out of place.
>For some reason whoever was in charge of procurement made us all look like German Stormtroopers from the first World War.
>It doesn't help us at all since we're supposed to be restoring order among the locals.
>As well as investigating some of the "Eldritch" horrors of the area.
>The locals seem to be giving us a pretty wide berth.
>The dwarf citizens are giving the elven soldiers bitter glances, and the elf citizens are giving the dwarf soldiers bitter glances too.



>Oh no.
>This is going to be like Yugoslavia isn't it?
>It would explain why the dwarves and elves seem to be sticking to their own half of the town.
>I'm a human so I'm safe to walk as I please, though the other KEK troops haven't picked up on the situation yet.
>Settling the "local dispute" and restoring order isn't my job right now.
>As a human I've been assigned to a "Dead Zone."
>These are areas of magic so strong that most races dare not to even venture into.
>The key to cleaning Dead Zones is to essentially kill whatever powerful magic being(s) that live there. After that most of the other monsters will leave as they no longer can feed upon the background magic and abject safety from the hunters the eldritch beast brings.
>The very air of the place makes most fantasy races sick. They just can't process the sheer amount of mana in the air.
>As a non magical human though it means nothing. It still does smell bad though.
>I've been assigned a guide to help me make it to the Dead Zone and have since been waiting for the past damn near two hours.
>"Howdy! Are you the human they call Anon?"
>I turn to find a cowboy elf with a Winchester 1895 slung over her shoulder.
>Holy shit her accent is strong. The drawl is practically dripping off her words, cute tho.
>"Mah name is Luoti."
>"You're late."
>"Yeep, yeep, I knoo I am but I had some… uhhh… trouble gettin here."
>Behind her I see some of the gray uniforms of KEK. They have their pistols drawn and seem to be looking for something.



>"Hey uhhh, so Anon I'm your definitely your guide so we should probably get going now."
>She grabs me by the arm and starts pulling me out of town.
>Holy fuck she's stronger than she looks.
>On the way to the Dead Zone she keeps jabbering on and on.
>She talks way too much and is far too joyful about nearly everything.
>The positivity is nice but it gets grating very quickly.
>You could have syphilis and she'd congratulate you.
>She also has a cheeky look on her face at all times that borders on crazy. I can't help but think she's just being very, very sarcastic.
>Elves, and high elves especially are known for being extremely racist, and often think of humans as nothing more than entertaining pets.
>She regals me with stories about the superiority of the Elven race and how high elves should be considered a different kind of race entirely because they are so superior.
>As the sun sets we come across a huge crowd of orcs camping out with teepees in a valley.
>Some of them even have feather headdresses.
>Paging Elizabeth Warren.
>Luoti suddenly pulls her Winchester and sends a shot over the head of one of the orcs.
>YOU IMBECILE YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL.spy
>There is no way they didn't notice her shot.
>There is also no way we can fight off so fucking many.
>She didn't even hit her shot.
>The orcs start to sound off and start doing their war call.
>"YEET YEET YEET YEET YEET"
>Oh jesus we found 9gag.
>They start firing back while charging up the valley towards us.
>I fill the air with shots from the white phosphorus MP18, the enchantment draws heat from the barrel to adds WP to the bullets which also gives them a white tracer. Helping me to find my shots a little in the dying light.
>Louti is firing nonstop as well at the orcs.
>Missing. Every. Single. Shot.
>what what the fuck.jontron
>She opens the breach of her rifle to reload as a fucking troll, A TROLL pops out behind her.
>I pop a slug of 9mm into its head.
>It doesn't stop it obviously, but the pain of WP eating it from the inside does.
>It keels over backwards and screeches
>"YOU GOTTA DAB ON THEM HATERS."
>I think I just shot Jake Paul.
>Louti stands up, readies her Winchester with flourish, aims her shot, AND MISSES.
>YOU MISSED!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS?!? HE WAS THREE FEET IN FRONT OF YOU!!!.mushu
>The other orcs are still firing at us on the other side of the hill but holy fuck I'm stunned.
>"Hey Anon… you wouldn't happen to have any spare 7.62x54 on you would you?"
>Jesus christ she's a fucking liability.
>Sift through my pack for something for her to use.
>She can't really use C4 or the M72 LAW I keep with me.
>Toss her my Luger I keep in emergencies.
>Knowing full well she's going to miss every fucking shot.
>Turn back to finish off the orcs.
>Turn back to check Luoti.
>The troll is dead though, its chest somehow ripped open.
>She's gone.
>Look down into the camp and there she is looting the tents.
>Turns out there was absolutely nothing of value in the orc camp.



>We rest for the night and set out the next morning.
>With her still jabbering on, the thing is that she's gotten really clingy and doesn't seem to understand the concept of personal space.
>I've never been happier to make it to a Dead Zone.
>The craziest thing is that you can see exactly where it starts, all the plants inside it are extremely overgrown compared to those outside.
>It's as if the world's biggest lawnmower had just gone by.
>The whole area is devoid of any sensory input besides the sound of your own feet.
>No birds, no wind, no heat, no cold.
>It's as if you were going into a vacuum where the only acknowledgement of your existence is limited to your dulled senses.
>"Well. Luoti this is goodbye thank you for your he---"
>Just as I try to leave into the Dead Zone she grabs my arm. Tight. Painfully tight.
>In any other situation I would have been ecstatic to get attention from a girl, but Luoti seemed way too fucking clingy and eager.
>Every single alarm imaginable was going off.
>If I didn't know better she'd ND into my back when I wasn't looking if I stayed around her.
>"Anon…"
>Her accent and cheery demeanor was gone. Now it's an entirely clear and almost angry voice.
>"Before you go…"
>HOLY FUCK SHE'S GOING TO EAT ME.
>"You forgot to take your Luger back!"
>"O-o-oh-h-h t-thanks Luoti."
>I was on the verge of pissing myself. Elves can be fucking scary.
>I try grabbing the Luger but she won't let go.
>I pull harder and she takes the occasion to get even closer to me.
>Fucking inches away.
>RAPE.jontron
>Now that I'm up close close I can see she has really pretty blue eyes, but they are way too  blue and… glowy?
>I feel like she's going to bite me.
>Notice the Luger is pointed at my chest.
>She has way too strong of a smile right now.
>THIS IS NOT OK.
>"Luoti. You can let go now."
>"Oh did I keep grabbing on to it I'm sorry."
>"Of all the human guns, the Luger is my favourite. Besides my Winchester of course."
>She releases it but still stays way too fucking close.
>"I'm gonna be going now."
>"Alright bai Anon. You're alright for a human"
>Head into the Dead Zone, look back every so often to see her staring.
>I hike for a while and forget about Luoti's """uniqueness."""
>Take out my binoculars and look back towards where Luoti was standing.
>HOLY FUCK SHE'S STILL THERE AND STANDING AND STARING.
>Fucking take off even deeper into the Dead Zone.



>The issue with Dead Zones is that you just wander until you eventually make contact with something.
>Usually it ends up being some fucking terrifying beast.
>Come across a farmhouse on the side of a lake.
>Come across a windo--- AND THAT'S BLOOD.
>Go inside and find more blood but besides that, nothing.
>The house is pretty dull without any good loot.
>It'll make a good place to shack up though.
>I check the lake and sure enough it's holy water at least this part is.
>I can see a spring bubbling under the water.
>That must have been why the farmhouse was built nearby.
>If I ever get into deep shit it looks like I'm retreating into the lake.
>I bottle some and keep it handy.
>I follow one of the paths from the farmhouse as it goes into the forest.
>I find a calcified dwarf corpse with a silvery pickaxe in his hand. His face is caught in a look of sheer terror.
>Please don't let there be some kind of medusa monster.
>I keep the pickaxe since it's so light and will be handy in an emergency,
>It's tipped a glowing blue at the ends. Probably some mining enchantment.
>It reminds me of Luoti's eyes.
>Say what you will about her being crazy, she was pretty fucking hot.
>Keep walking along the path as fog rolls in.
>Fog is never good.
>Notice the path forks ahead.
>Start going up to the sign, and… that's no sign.
>If it is, that's the worst most unsettling shaped sign imaginable.
>It's some figure with arms and legs way out of proportion, they're elongated and bony.
>It's a fucking wendigo.
>Pop a shot into its head and it goes down easy.
>More wendigos start coming out of the treeline, way too many of them.
>Reload the MP18 and start hauling ass away while burning rounds.
>I manage to down a couple of them but the rest of the pack is sprinting at me.
>They shamble from side to side and some of their heads rotate like a gyroscope.
>I'm not gonna be able to outrun them or reload in time.



>Have an idea to use the holy water.
>Throw one of the bottles on the ground
>Throw more of them around me to form a ring of safety.
>Anti sea bear circle engage!
>They hesitate.
>More of them are gathering.
>WELL FUCK
>Dump the last bottle of holy water onto me.
>The wendigos all screech in frustration to a deafening crescendo.
>I cover my ears but the pitch and treble is so strong I can feel it in my teeth.
>I wasn't prepared for so many, this was supposed to be a lesser Dead Zone. It is extremely close to Nesi after all.
>They're just going to wait until the holy water dries.
>I grip my MP18 closer, and decide FUCK IT.
>I mag dump into the crowd and they all screech in panic again.
>They're running away!
>But once my mag hits dry, they keep running.
>It isn't from me.
>Turn around and peer into the fog.
>Fuck there's something there.
>Even I can feel it.



>Take off running into the woods.
>I can feel whatever the wendigos were running from behind me.
>I'm tunnel visioned and don't see the rope trap beneath my feet.
>I get swept up like a cartoon character
>Nearby at the base are calcified handprints.
>Oh the dwarf must have set it up.
>Try to wiggle and shimmy my way out.
>Something is still out there though.
>At this point I might as well have crawled into a silver platter.
>"Aaaaaanon!"
>what
>"Anon where are you?"
>Holy fuck that's Luoti.
>Did she fucking follow me?
>She could have at least shot the fucking wendigos for me.
>"Anon I need you." She says in a sing song voice.
>That's Luoti alright
>"Anon I'm getting closer."
>My heartrate starts coming down. Jesus christ I've never been so happy to know a hyper clingy elf.
>Luoti is stalking the edge of the clearing.
>There she is, in all her elven beauty, someone to help and get me down.
>"Anon what are you doing up there?"
>"Just get me down would you?"
>I don't know if it's because I'm hanging upside down but Luoti seems a lot taller than before. Her eyes are also like god damned LEDs.
>She's still partially concealed by the fog
>"Hey Luoti?"
>"Yes Anon?"
>"How did you find me?"
>"I just knew where you'd be silly."
>Something's up.
>"Hey Luoti, what was the name of the pistol you gave me again?"
>"Oh it was a Ruger!"
>"It was a Luger."
>"Luger, Ruger same thing."
>"You said it was your favourite human gun Luoti."
>She's finally come into the clearing and HOLY SHIT SHE'S FUCKING HUGE.
>She's at least 8 feet and has a smile that's more sinister than her usual cheeky.
>"Luoti?"
>"Yes Anon?"
>"Why are you so big?"
>"Oh this just makes it easier Anon. For the both of us."
>The whole time she's been looking at me she hasn't blinked once.
>I'M GETTING FREAKED OUT
>"Hey L-l-l-uoti?
>"Yeah Anon?"
>"A-a-are you ok?"
>Fuck my voice is getting high pitched and squeaky.
>"I'm perfect Anon, are you scared?"
>I can only eek out a meek whisper of "a little."
>"Good."
>Luoti is licking her lips and is giving a really toothy grin now.
>Cue the song Maneater.
>ALL RIGHT FUCK THIS!
>Remember I have a gun.
>Remember said gun shoots bullets.
>Remember said bullets kill shit.
>Take my MP18 and fucking mag dump into her stomach.
>Shoot the rope keeping me up and I fall.
>A shadow covers the ground in front of me.
>Look up and Luoti is still there, with flattened 9mm slugs sitting at the ground before her.
>Though her skin has started to sag and shed.
>FUCKING SKINWALKER.
>Reach for my trump card, the LAW.
>It has "Megumin" written on the side.
>Shut up don't judge me.
>It can only fire once every 24 hours so I only use it in emergencies.
>This is an emergency.
>The backblast is going to be a bitch.
>Fire the rocket into """Luoti""" and send """her""" flying back into the woods.
>Go to untie the trap
>I'm able to free my legs just as """Luoti""" gets back up.
>At this point it's not even Luoti it's just a goddamned skinwalker.
>"That wasn't very nice of you Anon."
>FUUUUCCCCKKK THIS.
>Take off running again back to the farm house.
>Pass a trio of Wendigos just chilling near the path.
>They give confused glances as I run by.
>I can hear the skinwalker decimating them from its sheer strength behind me.
>It throws an upper half of a Wendigo's body at me
>I manage to make it to the farmhouse and start stripping myself of my gear.
>I can see the blue of its eyes through the fog.
>I hop into the lake.
>The skinwalker has come back into view and has its skin as a shawl around it.
>I keep walking backwards into the lake and keep my MP18 trained on it.
>Much to my surprise it steps in the lake.
>Its body burns and hisses as it touches the water.
>"The water won't save you Anon."
>"The holy water spring only goes so far."
>Sure enough as it comes closer and closer its body stops burning.
>FUCK.
>I nope the fuck out of the water and climb back onto shore as the skinwalker laughs behind me
>It sounds so much like Luoti. It even has her eyes.
>I say fuck the farmhouse and just run through.
>I can hear the skinwalker's heavy steps echoing through the building.
>I pray to every single god I know to get me through this safely.
>I have one last hail Mary, I always keep a block of C4 in my pack for utility.
>Toss it into the house and hit the detonator.
>The entire farmhouse goes up.
>If you've ever seen Terminator, you know what happens next.
>The skinwalker pushes its way out of the rubble.
>It's pretty obvious its done toying with me because it's sprinting full speed.
>Aim my MP18, it's empty.
>Draw my Luger, it's empty Luoti or the skinwalker, not sure who, fired all the shots.
>It's funny what adrenaline can do for your thought process.
>It was only then I made the connection between the dwarf's pickaxe and the skinwalker's eyes.
>I chuck the pickaxe into its head and it finally goes down.
>The entire forest is silent now.
>I cautiously go up to it.
>The thing rolls over and I jump back.
>"Anon."
>"Y-y-yeah?"
>"I enjoyed killing the orcs."
>"Sure…"
>"It was fun playing around, even if it was with a dumb human."
>Its eyes finally go dark.
>The craziest thing about skinwalkers is that they only take on the skin or a vague look of their victims.
>It had Luoti's eyes, had her memories, and even her racism.
>What the fuck.



>I can hear the clocktower outside the inn ringing.
>It always rings twelve times.
>It also is set to always be at high noon.
>You can imagine the issues it creates.
>For one thing no one knows what fucking time it is ever.
>There's also always a line for the "duel."
>I'm not kidding, there's always at least ten people lined up on every street of the town.
>When the clocktower rings they all draw and fire on their opponent.
>Because there's so many and they usually miss, they usually end up killing someone else.
>Fucking elves.
>At least five bullets have found their way into my room somehow.
>Before the /K/onvergence the town wasn't like this.
>Nesi was more of a medieval town just with the Wild West behavior tropes.
>It was more chivalrous than rugged.
>Some cowboy /k/ommando decided it would be funny to leave a bunch of the elves and dwarves with some Wild West movies and some assorted six shooters and lever actions.
>Things just kind of spiraled out of hand afterwards.
>Apparently the feud between the elves and dwarves here is over who are better cowboys than the others.
>They actually have a fucking Clint Eastwood look alike contest.
>When I got back to town one of the first things I did was ask about """Luoti."""
>It turns out no one even knew who she was.
>The real guide had gotten food poisoning and forgot to send someone to tell me.
>Not even the KEK troops chasing after Luoti knew who she was.
>I've been sleeping in and living a NEET lifestyle since I haven't received my next assignment yet.
>It would be comfy except the fantasy niggers here haven't quite figured out the concepts of air conditioning yet.

>I wanted to buy something to replace my MP18.
>I wanted an M16A2 because inna desert.
>The stores here only had cowboy guns.
>One even had a fucking Gatling gun.
>I found an M1903 Springfield instead, enchanted so it would have no bullet drop.
>I could probably hunt the goblin version of Pancho Villa with this.
>If only I knew how right I was at the time.
>I would have bought the Gatling gun.



>The Commander of the King's Expenditure Knights (KEK) is my boss.
>He's shored up, fittingly, in the sheriff's office.
>He was in the middle of beating the shit out of a goblin when I came in.
>"WHERE ARE THE WEAPON CACHES YOU SCALY FUCK?"
>The goblin was unconscious.
>"ALRIGHT YOU LIZARD EYED SHITTER NOW YOU'VE DONE IT."
>The commander pulled out a battle axe from under his desk.
>"FOR EVERY QUESTION YOU DON'T ANSWER YOU LOSE A TAIL."
>"commander he only has one tail."
>"SHUT THE FUCK UP LIEUTENANT."
>"OK YOU GOBBY GOOK WHERE ARE THE GUNS?"
>The goblin was silent.
>"HERE GOES!"
>The commander brought the axe down on its tail and… nothing. It didn't even react.
>The Lieutenant went over and checked the goblin's pulse.
>"Sir. He's dead."
>"Oh, oh I knew that."
>this.nigga
>"Alright Anon what can I help you with?"
>He pointed at me with his battle axe and damn near took my head off.
>He had to pry the damn thing out of the wall.
>He then proceeded to drop it into the Lieutenant's hands blade first.
>"I was wondering if you had a job for me?"
>"Ahhh, well we do happen to have a job for you."
>"There happens to be a goblin terrorizing the villages outside Nesi. He's leading a revolutionary group of goblins who are demanding to 'gas the bikes, race car now.'"
>"Do you mean 'gas the kikes, race war now?'"
>"No. I'm sure it's race car."
>"Anyway, as you know gas is a valuable natural resource. As are bikes and race cars. So your job will be to find this goblin named uhhh…"
>He took a notepad out of his pocket and I could clearly see the goblin went by the name "Pancho Villa."
>The Wild West shenanigans never end.
>"The goblin's name is 'Pinko Allah.'"
>"Do you mea---."
>"I mean what I said."



>The Lieutenant grabs me as I leave the Sheriff's office.
>He hands me an M1903 Springfield, pouches full of sweet sweet .30-06, a Single Action Army,  an information folder, and the dead goblin.
>He tells me to wait in the pub for my guide.
>Fuck they better be better than the last one.
>I have to pull the dead goblin out of the office and toss him into the dumpster.
>He's heavy as shit and pours blood all over my fatigues as I toss him in.
>He lands on flesh.
>Excuse me?
>I check the dumpster and sure enough it's full of fucking dead goblins.
>I guess that wasn't the first one the Commander killed by """accident."""
>An undertaker elf approaches me.
>"Excuse me fine sir would these goblins happen to be yours."
>oh fuck I'm going to jail for this aren't I?
>I try to hide the obvious goblin blood on me.
>"No, I've never seen those in my life."
>"Ahhh jolly good then!"
>The undertaker elf calls over a cart and two elves get out to chuck the dead goblins into the back of it.
>The side of the cart says "Derek the Dwarf's Meat Delicacies."
>Oh no.
>I watch as the elves drive the cart towards the local butcher.
>They also run over two drunken dwarves on the way.
>Who then proceed to draw their Colt's and fire at the cart.
>Their dwarf friends come out of the local pub and start firing at the cart with their lever actions.
>The undertaker elf pulls a punt gun bigger than him and fires it.
>I get thrown against the sheriff's office from the blast.
>By the time the dust clears the dwarves have been reduced to meat chunks.
>There is also a crater in the middle of the street.
>Undertaker elf's two friends are dead as well.
>He chucks them into the same pile as the dead goblins.
>He hops off the cart and throws chunks of dwarves into the cart as well.
>Arms, legs, torsos, lungs, hearts, heads, etc are all scavenged.
>Somehow he manages to pull the cart to the loading bay of the butcher's shop.
>I kind of understand vegans now.



>The pub the dwarves ran out of happens to be the one my guide will be in.
>Apparently the Lieutenant didn't trust me to understand the map the Commander crudely drew.
>It looks like a preschool art project.
>He put a sea monster in the middle of a desert.
>He also put a big circle with the words "BAD GUY BE HERE" right above it.
>The pub is pretty crowded it looks like.
>There is also a line to get inside.
>what.
>Every time someone walks in the entire place goes silent.
>I wait my turn and walk in.
>The entire pub goes silent as expected.
>I notice a sign over the bar that declares "as in accordance with Cowboy rule #192: all patrons must be silent upon another patron entering the establishment."
>Oh right Wild West tropes.
>I take a seat at the bar and the bartender hands me a rag to wipe the goblin blood off my clothing.
>Fuck I forgot.
>I ask for a beer, he hands me a root beer.
>In fact all they have is root beer.
>"This here is a family establishment friendo."
>Look around and sure enough there are dwarf kids running around.
>At least the root beer is cold.
>I wait for another two hours for my guide to find me.
>I swear to god if they got food poisoning again I'm just going off on my own.
>The guide finally shows up and it's another girl elf.
>"Are you A---"
>"Yes I am can we go now?"
>"O---"
>I grab her and start to leave.
>"But what about my lunch?"
>"You can eat on the way there."
>Her name is Hiekka.
>She explains what "Pinko Allah" has been doing to the villages around the town.
>In order to fulfill his dream of a "race car" and to "gas the bikes now."
>He has taken to founding a community based upon equal distribution of goods from each according to their ability to each according to their need in favor of a classless stateless society.
>He plans to do this by and I quote "killing everyone."
>Sounds like the usual approach.
>He's hiding out in a gulch a couple dozen miles north of town.
>Hiekka had her family's farm burned down as part of a "redistribution of rubble for the non rubble having goblins" initiative by Pinko Allah.
>Is everyone here just completely insane?
>Hiekka also neglected to bring a gun and is carrying a small KA-BAR.
>I swear once I finish killing Pinko Allah I am hopping on the first train out of Nesi and back to somewhere sane.
>Maybe Minneapolis.
>Unlike Luoti, Hiekka is relatively quiet and shy. A nice change.
>She also understands the concept of personal space.
>She is really just here for revenge.
>I was able to tell so when she had somehow found a goblin and eviercerated him.
>She now has a revolver that she took off him.
>The epitome of a quiet killer.
>I'm not sure how she knows exactly where Pinko Allah is.
>She explained it as "I can smell his little bitch ass cunt from a mile away."
>"It smells like pine trees and liquor."
>That was one of the few times she ever talked to me.