This is no place for a horse

Warning: This is a crossover with Darksiders II. I was suddenly inspired to write this. I'm so sorry.

http://youtu.be/oBFGKoHJhNs

>You are Death, horseman of the apocalypse.
>Through some freak accident, you ended up in Equestria.
>You are now in Ponyville.
>But this is no place for a horse.
>You grab the closest creature with a pulse by their neck and hold them in front of your mask.
>Your piercing green, glowing eyes strikes terror into the cowering yellow pony with pink hair, who promptly voids her bowels.
>She's still conscious, though.
>Credit to her for having at least some fortitude.
"I'm looking for a replacement horse. Would you happen to know if there's a stable nearby?"
>"I-I-I like animals..."
"Fascinating. But that doesn't answer my question."
>You scowl at her even more intensely.
>She raises a quivering hoof in the direction of a quaint looking cottage in the distance.
>Even from here you can see some kind of animal enclosure next to the building.
"Excellent. I'll be back to reap you later."
>You set off in search of a >Horse."
>You reach the cottage in short order.
>It's sickeningly picturesque.
>Your brother, War, would have an aneurysm if he ever saw this.
>Looking around, you see no sign of a stable.
"This is no place for a horse."
>"N-no, I don't keep horses.... Are you going to rape me now?"
>You spin around, looking for the first soul in 3000 years who has managed to sneak up on you.
>Eventually you get the bright idea to look down.
>The little yellow pegasus pony is looking up at you, not with fear this time, but with hope.
"You. You lied to me."
>"Y-yes... I've been a bad pony... Are you going to rape me now as punishment?"
>The timid little minx turns around and... presents herself to you.
>This is why you prefer dealing with creatures that lack flesh.
>Less squishy, gooey parts to get in the way.
"I'm afraid not, little one. I have to find my horse, or failing that, a replacement."
>"B-but you promised!"
>The small, definitely feminine, pony looks up at you with big, sad eyes.
>Only through eons of battle have you managed to build up enough mental resilience to resist such a devastating set of puppy-dog eyes.
"I did nothing of the sort."
>"You said you'd be back to rape me later!"
"Reap. REAP you later. Now, out of my way. I have to go find Binky."
>"Binky?"
"My horse."
>You push the little pony out of your way and head away from this creature's cottage.
>"Binky... You must mean Pinkie! Pinkie's your horse?"
"Clean your ears out, wench. BINKY. MY HORSE."
>"Well... Pinkie knows everypony in Ponyville anyway. If anypony knows where your horse is, it's her!"
>You groan behind your mask.
>This is even more tedious than finding all those stupid stone shards.
"Very well. Lead me to this 'Pinkie.' Just make sure I get a horse to ride out of this."
>"Oh, don't worry, mister. You will."
>For the first time in millennia, you feel fear.

"This is no place for a horse."
>"No, silly! This is Sugarcube Corner!" The energetic pink pony screeches in front of you.
>You sit in the seat that is three sizes too small for you, surrounded by hundreds of balloons of all shapes and sizes.
>Some of them are so bright that you forgot such colours existed.
>A banner saying, "Welcome to Ponyville, Death!" hangs above you.
>There is punch.
>There is cake.
>There is Death.
>...You feel horribly underdressed for such an auspicious occasion.
>"Since this is your first time in Ponyville, you just have to meet all of my friends!" The pink, non-skeletal, non-Binky, Binky insists.
>Binky would never subject you to such torture.
"I'm... overjoyed."
>Your expressionless mask conveys exactly how much enthusiasm you have for this event.
>"Now, now. Don't be a sarcastic Suzie. You've already met Fluttershy, and look how well you're getting on with her!"
>"Fluttershy" is currently humping your leg.
>You tried shaking her off earlier, but she's remarkably determined to show her affection towards you.
"Yes. Swimmingly."
>"See? It's easy to make friends!"
>"Yes, Death, dear... Just show them your hot, nephilim dick and..."
"For the last time, Fluttershy, I will not fuck you. I've seen women far more attractive than you, and I've reaped them all the same. I've seen horses with far prettier vaginas than yours and passed on them, too. You don't stand a chance in hell of getting my 'Hot nephilim dick.' It's no place for a horse."
>"We'll see."
>Despite the bravado in your speech, Fluttershy's quiet confidence unnerves you to no end.
>That she has such determination in the literal face of death...
>She's something else.
>You hope you never have to do combat with her.
>Pinkie Pie is zipping from place to place, putting up even more party decorations.
>Streamers, even more balloons, a set of stocks, a sex swing...
"Pinkie, what kind of party is this?"
>She stops dead in her tracks while clutching a gaggle of dragon dildos to her chest.
>"Oh, Fluttershy suggested it! She wanted to give you a special Ponyville 'warm welcome.'"
>You glare at Fluttershy.
"That... Won't be necessary, Pinkie, though I appreciate the effort you're going to."
>"Oh... Okay..."
>Pinkie seems incredibly disappointed for someone who has just been told they don't have to organise an orgy for tonight.
>You sigh for the 50th time today.
"Fine. Do whatever you wish. Don't let me impose upon your customs."
>"Hurray!"
>Pinkie Pie zooms off again, leaving a cloud of confetti in her wake.
>You wonder if Death in this realm ever gets sick of these ponies.

>You pass the time before the party trying to prise Fluttershy off your body to (generally) no avail.
>Once you brought your scythes out, however, she backed off.
>A little.
>Then she started licking them.
>You made a mental note to destroy these scythes in deepest hellfire once you made it back home.
>Soon ponies of all colours start pouring through the doors to attend your welcoming party.
>You scowl in greeting to every single one of them.
>For the most part they give you a quick hoofshake and then scoot off to a safe distance.
>A few of them, however, are a bit more bold.
>"Oh shweet Celeschtia, am I sheein' thingsh?"
>The mulberry coloured pony slurs and staggers in front of you.
"No, I assure you, you are not. I am Death. 'Pleased' to meet you."
>The drunken pony pays no heed to the caustic undertone to your speech.
>"An' what kind of animal are ya?"
"Human. Mostly."
>"Ya talk like a real gentleman, you know that? You and me should go get a drink after thish."
"A bar is no place for a horse."
>You would know.
>Binky simply refuses to go in there.
>Well, she refuses to go a lot of places.
>She's kinda flaky like that.
>"Dun't call me a horsh. Not outside of the bedroom, anyway."
>The pickled pony turns around and pulls the same trick that Fluttershy did earlier.
>She flicks her tail to the side giving you a full view of her plump pony pussy.
>"Mah name's Berry Punch. Look at this ass. Remember it. You're gonna be seeing it a whole lot, later."
"Not if I see you first..." You mumble.
>She sashays away from you, swinging her hips from side to side.
>You suppress a shudder.
>You really need to find a way home, and fast.

>Apart from a minty green pony who held your handshake just a tad too long than was comfortable, the ponies were mainly too intimidated to give you much trouble.
>They quite swiftly moved off to get drinks and cake and take a look at whoever was on the sex swing.
>For a large part of the night that would be Fluttershy after you locked her in there.
>But right after you got rid of one problem, four more turned up with that annoying pink fuzzball.
>”Death, I’d like you to meet my best friends! Applejack,”
>”Howdy.”
>”Rainbow Dash,”
>”Hey.”
>”Rarity,”
>”Charmed.”
>”And Twilight Sparkle!”
>At the mention of her name, the purple pony decides this is her cue to start her unauthorised study of you.
>She gallops towards you with a very excited look on her face, charging her horn ready to fire some kind of probing spell.
>”Oh my gosh, I can feel the mana radiating from you already! You’re really strong. Like, REALLY strong!”
>”Yes, he does have quite a physique on him, doesn’t he...” Rarity comments, while licking her lips.
>”Yeah, I bet he could buck my apples all day long...” Applejack remarks with half-lidded eyes.
>”With that body, I bet he could keep up with me all the way to the finish line...” Rainbow Dash says, one of her hooves straying dangerously close to her nether regions.
>”No, you guys! You don’t understand!” Twilight explains, “He’s more than just strong! He’s a metaphysical entity! He’s special!”
>”You’re telling me, darling.”
>”One of a kind, I’d say.”
>”Shut up, you guys, I’m trying to clop!”
>Twilight huffs in frustration at her decidedly non-academic friends.
>You conclude that there’s only one entity here who you can have a decent conversation with, and that’s the egghead.
“You’re right about all of that, Twilight. Speaking to someone with such a perceptive outlook on life is so refreshing. How about we go somewhere... Private, where we can speak more?”
>Twilight blushes a delightful shade of fuchsia.
>”W-well we can go back to my library...”
“A library is no place for a horse.”
>”B-but I live there!”
>How unorthodox.
“Very well... I’ll allow it this time.”
>You get up and pick up Twilight, holding her underneath your arm.
>She is now in your inventory.
>As soon as you look towards the door, the ponies clear a path for you.
“Goodbye, Fluttershy! Have fun!” You call to the yellow Pegasus slathered in cum.
>”MMPHF?!” She exclaims around the stallion cock being rammed down her throat.
>You stride out of Sugarcube Corner.
>Sometimes it’s good being Death.

>”So then I measured the gravitational field around the crash site, and do you know what I found?”
“...What?”
>”It was off by 0.2 millimagitons! So of course, you know what that meant.”
“...What?”
>”That the ship ran off some kind of magical propulsion system that we hadn’t seen before! It was absolutely fascinating!”
“...What?”
>”Absolutely fascinating! Death, are you even listening?”
“Yes, yes... Do continue.”
>Your silver tongue has gotten you into trouble again.
>Twilight may be the smartest unicorn in town, but she’s not the most interesting.
>Still, if anyone has the knowledge to find your horse and get you home, it’s her.
>”And then there was this one time at magic camp, and...”
“Twilight, what has this got to do with finding my horse?”
>”W-well, I was thinking...”
>Twilight blushes yet again.
>It’s adorably dorkish.
>Adorkable.
>”I-if you need a pony to ride... You could ride me...”
>Already you can see the telltale signs of Twilight’s intentions.
>Her tail sways side to side, and you can see her hind legs fidgeting in place.
>Yet again, it’s time to kill another pony’s hopes and dreams.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. I can’t accept. I need a warhorse that can carry me into battle.”
>”But I just told you all those stories about what I can do! Weren’t you listening?”
>No.
“Of course, but you’re just too small. I need a bigger horse.”
>”Okay...” Twilight sniffles.
>These ponies do love to lay it on thick.
>Unfortunately, if you got bogged down by every sob story you came across, you’d make a pretty shitty grim reaper.
“Twilight, do you know of anyone who could help me get back home or find my horse?”
>Twilight levitates a tissue over to herself and blows her nose noisily.
>”W-well, Celestia is away on ambassadorial duty, and Luna is busy tonight, dealing with an outbreak of bat-ponies. There is one pony, though...”
“Yes?”
>”My babysitter.”
>Before you can question her, Twilight’s horn lights up and you feel your stomach lurch as the world shifts around you.
>You find yourself standing in a gleaming cityscape made entirely out of some kind of crystal.
>”She’s in there. The palace. Goodbye.”
>A sobbing Twilight Sparkle teleports away, leaving you stranded in yet another strange land.
>You look towards the shining spires of the Crystal Palace.
“A crystal palace is no place for a horse.”
>”Oh, really?”
>You stand corrected.

>It turns out Cadence was taking a stroll that evening when she saw you teleport in.
>The pink, winged unicorn saw you looking confused and took pity on you, inviting you into her abode for tea.
>Yes, you’re having a tea party with a pink pony princess.
>... You’ve been through worse.
>Or so you keep telling yourself.
>”So what brings you to my kingdom, Death? Not business, I hope.”
>She giggles a cute little laugh.
>You think you’ll name her Binky II.
“Well, I’m a bit stuck, you see. I arrived in Equestria today, and...”
>”Oh, goodness! You poor thing.”
“Yes, it’s a bit jarring, but nothing I can’t handle. Anyway, it turns out I was just outside Ponyville...”
>Cadence scoffs at the name.
>”Ponyville... That backwards little hole? You couldn’t have had any worse luck today, could you?”
>Cadence scoots her seat just a little closer to yours.
“Well, as it turns out, I also lost my companion when I arrived.”
>”Oh? You have a partner? Are you engaged?”
“Not like that. She was my horse.”
>”My, my... Aren’t you progressive? A man and a horse. And here I was worried I’d have to be the one to bring it up...”
>Cadence lays a gilded hoof on your gauntlet.
>For all the horrors you’ve seen in the afterlife,
>For all the trials you’ve faced in post-apocalyptic Earth,
>This is the most frightening ordeal you’ve ever faced.
>Being accosted by a pink pony princess.
>How the mighty have fallen.
>...You need your horse back.
“Uh... Cadence, I hate to break it to you, but I’ve never been in a romantic relationship with my horse.”
>”Well, there’s a first time for everything, you know.”
>Cadence blows you a kiss with her luscious lips.
>For a second you think you feel your heart beat again.
>But surely not for a horse!
>”You know, I’m the princess of love...”
>Well that explains it.
>”But lately, I’ve not been getting much...”
>Cadence flops back in her chair, placing a hoof to her forehead in exaggerated distress.
>”My poor husband has been so busy with his duties, leaving me all alone in this castle...”
>She runs her free hoof down her plush side towards her perky pink nipples at her crotch.
>”And when he comes home, he’s so tired that he just leaves me unsatisfied...”
>”WRAWK! RUN!” Comes a screech from the window.
>You look over to see Dust, your crow, perched on the windowsill.
“Dust! You made it! Thank the Crow Father!”
>”WRAWK! RUN!”
>Dust isn’t usually this talkative.
>Or helpful.
>But he’s right.
>This time his advice is spot on, and thanks to him ruining the mood, you’ve got the opportunity to get away.
>”Oooh! Go away you blasted bag of feathers!” Cadence cries as she throws a teacup at him.
>Dust nimbly dodges the missile and flaps over to your shoulder to perch on your pouldron.
“Well, it’s been a pleasure, Cadence, but I’m afraid I must be going now.” You say, sidling to the exit slowly.
>”Oh, no, my dear. The pleasure will be ALL mine.” Cadence insists, prowling towards you with a lustful gaze in her eyes.
>Just then the exit doors burst open, revealing a bedraggled, enraged, tiny yellow pony; wings flared with anger.
>”AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” Fluttershy screams at a volume that you never thought she could muster.
“Ah, I was just leaving.”
>”WITH THIS WHORSE?”
>”He wants me to be his horse, not you!”
>Then, just as suddenly, the doors to Cadence’s bedchamber fly open as well to reveal a white unicorn stallion.
>”CADENCE, WILL YOU PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP- WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!”
>”He’s my new lover, Shining! He’ll satisfy me in ways you never could!”
>Cadence seems to be cashing a lot of cheques that you don’t remember ever signing.
>”Oh really, now?”
>Shining lowers his horn and snorts steam out of his nose.
>His front hoof paws at the ground, ready to charge and gore you.
>Ordinarily you ‘d have no problem slaughtering every lifeform in this room.
>However, this isn’t your Earth.
>Therefore reaping is out of your jurisdiction.
>Fluttershy is mirroring Shining’s actions on the other side of the room, ready to charge you as well.
>You know who you’re more afraid of.
>Well, fuck.
>There’s only one way out of this.
“Uh, Cadence?”
>”Yes, my love?”
”Can we go now?”
>”I thought you’d never ask.”
>Cadence gallops towards you, her action setting off the other two ponies in the room to charge at you.
>However, with Cadence’s long legs, she covers the distance in no time at all and flips you up onto her back.
>You cling to her neck as she races towards the window.
“Cadence... CADENCE!”
>Cadence is deaf to your cries, and your fate lies entirely in her hands.
>Uh, hooves.
>She leaps out of the window and all of your millennia of past lives flash before your eyes.
>Fluttershy and Shining Armour crash into each other in a flurry of hooves and feathers.
>You fall, down, down and further down until...
>Cadence reveals a feature that Binky didn’t have.
>Wings.
>She spreads her pink wings and takes to the skies, soaring away from the Crystal Empire.
>You can hear Shining and Fluttershy struggling to untangle themselves.
>And then it turns into some very lewd noises.
>Well at least they’re happy.
>”Well then, Death? Do I qualify to be your horse?”
“Oh, definitely. You’re a lot more comfortable to ride.”
>”You could ride me in a different way, you know...”
>Cadence licks her lips seductively.
>You sigh.
“If this is going to work, Cadence, there’s one thing I have to tell you.”
>”What’s that?”
“I’m gay.”