(HandyAnon) Feats of Strength (1) (FR)

>Day Winterween in Equestria
>It's that winter thingy Applejack was mumbling about.
>Wrap-Up-Something. Or maybe it was Hearth's Warmer...something.
>You had a way better holiday back in the real world.
>Fuck it, boredom. Go to the library?
>Exit shithole house.
>Hear sound in trashcans.
"Fluttershy, I will cut you."
>Yellow flying horse thing sticks its head out of the trash. Is chewing on an old sock.
>Oh god, that sock.
>"oh..uh...h-hi Anon."
>Facepalm.
"Anyone ever tell you you're creepy?"
>She sinks into the trash a little and makes sad puppy dog eyes.
>Looks like some evil equine Oscar the Grouch without all the charm.
>"...Are s-socks your fetish, mister?"
"No."
>"Then how come--"
>You snap.
"Because a man has needs."
>You notice ponies everywhere doing some musical number.
>It's like living in a skittles commercial without anything awesome.
>God you miss skittles. Rainbow Dots or whatever Pinkie calls them taste gross.
>Rainbow Dash always laughs when you eat them.
>Fucking inside jokes.
"If you're in my garbage when I come back I'm going to violate you-"
>She perks up, pensive.
"--With a hammer."
>"Is that your fetish?"
"If it was, I'd be a happy man."
>Walk away.
>That crazy horse is always trying to guess your fetish. Which is weird.
>Who does that?
>Oh crap, she's probably going to either put that sock in a shrine. Or eat it.
>Slather it across her vagina.
>You can picture it glistening in resplendent horror.
"You're going on the list, brain."
>Approach Twilight's treehouse/library thing.
>Wish you lived in a library.

>Library is warm.
>Twilight is gone, apparently she felt like she didn't do enough last year. Must really be into it this winter.
>Like she knows about feeling out of place.
>"Hey Anon, Twilight's not here right now."
>Oh shit. The mothafuckin' dragonbro.
"Sup Spike my main man? How's it going dudebro?"
>He looks at you weird.
>"You okay Anon? You're talking weird again."
>Dragons are cool and capable of destructive powers. Spike is cool because of that.
>And he's the only other guy you really talk to.
>He hasn't picked up on the slang.
"I'm cool. So hey, I'm doing a little holiday thing. Earth tradition."
>"What do you mean?"
"It's cool. You'd like it. Applejack already agreed to come. You and Twilight want in?"
>He looks around like a junkie.
>"So...is this one of those traditions where you give gifts?"
"Something like that."
>"Do you want me to tell Twilight not to give you a book?"
"Books are fine. Just uh...Listen."
>You kneel down and whisper something to Spike. He makes a face of disgust and then grins wickedly.
>"That sounds...awesome."
"Oh it is man, it is. Tonight, 9'o'clock. Be there."
>Before you leave you borrow a book on proper bagel-making.
>Bagels are essential.

>Go to Sugarcube Corner.
>You think the snow would make the building soggy.
>Some ponies are taking a break here. The Cakes are working on some big...cake.
>Coconut flakes. Pass. It's not the texture, it's the consistency.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake, is Pin--"
>Tackled.
>Spine is twisted.
>Chin hits the floor first. Ouch.
>Pink hooves. Blue hooves.
"Hello...Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie."
>You sound so bitter the big coconut confection seems to spoil at your tone.
>Rainbow Dash gives you a noogie. It hurts your scalp. Fucking hooves.
>"Sup Anon, why aren't you out with your little special somepony?"
"Because my back is broken. And I hate everyone."
>She snickers and flutters off you. Pinkie shakes you in concern.
>"Oh no-no-no-no- that's absolutely terrible I heard you were going to be throwing some human party and I was like 'Hey Pinkie you should tackle Anon and it'll be funny' and now you're all 'My back is broken' and it's All. My. Fault!"
>She's about to cry. You sigh.
"I was joking."
>Pinkie slumps and scrambles off you. You get to your feet and brush yourself off. You touch your chin and wince. A small smile comes to your lips.
>"That wasn't funny." Pinkie pouts.
"Human humor loses much in translation."
>You shoot the shit for a few minutes before discussing your holiday plans in earnest. Rainbow seems to think it'll be funny. Pinkie doesn't get it.
>"What's the pole for--Anon are you going to dance?"
>Uh.
>"Because I can totally show you how to dance! Oh but you're asking for a pole so you must already know how to dance! Can you do this?"
>She does a spin flip of some maddening skill, going from a single hoof on the ground to spinning on her bouncy mane.
>Homey got skills to pay the bills.
"Sure, I'll teach you some pretty sick dance moves. Just uh, do you know where I can get one?"
>Rainbow's got a mischievous grin.
"Let me guess, you didn't ask Rarity yet, did ya Anon?"
>You did actually. She described it as utterly barbaric. You told her it's cathartic.
"She's bringing the fruitcake."
>They both wince. She's not a good cook.
>Ponies don't get sarcasm.
>Pinkie pulls a small blue bag out from intercosmic hammerspace.
>"Want some Rainbow Drops?"
>You take the bag and pop one in your mouth. It's like poorly made off-brand skittles.
>They both laugh. It starts off snickering but the more you chew the louder they get. When you swallow, Pinkie's hacking up a lung and Rainbow's on her plot rolling.
"This is like, Pegasus Shit, isn't it?"
>They keep laughing. Rainbow tries to wave it off and say something.
>"No. *wheeze* Hah..No. It's just...you make such a.."
>Pinkie laughs louder. You think Rainbow said you make a cute face. Could've said poot taste though.
"Tonight at 9. My house. Pinkie, bring the pole."

>Later that afternoon. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Spike the Mothafuckin Dragon, and Applejack already agreed to join you for a human tradition.
>Rarity will take convincing.
>You're not going to ask her again anyway. She's not into it. Who is left anyway?
>AJ,PP,RD...Rarity is out. Twilight will show.
>Ah fuck. Fluttershy. Nope, not asking here.
>Go grocery shopping. Not many shops open. People are moving animals and making baskets and being weird.
>By people you mean ponies. Fucking shift of majority species.
>Bubblegum. Eggnog. Gauze. Alcohol. Some sort of mushroom based fake meat thing.
>You've had it before doesn't taste bad.
>"Watch your hands you silly crook, that was my eggnog that you took."
>The Zebra. Zecora. She's all right. Rhymes are weird.
>You did take the last eggnog.
"It's for a human party."
>"Human party, what a gas. But on the eggnog, could you...pass?"
"If you want the eggnog, you're going to have to do me a favor. Don't rhyme."
>Her face gets all scrunched up and she tries to mouth some words. It comes out louder than a Flutternutjob squeaks.
>Sort of cute actually.
>"But that's my special thing, Anon."
"Eggnog or special thing?"
>You shake the carton.
>She watches it sway, drooling.
>"Eggnog."
>You toss her the carton and she hugs it tight. The spigot pops open, clearly unintended. She takes a sip, trying to look like she meant to do that.
"Zecora, you want to come to the party? Learn some human culture. You can rhyme if you want, but if you're just rhyming to be special you'll want to come anyway."
>She says she'll think about it. And she didn't say so in a rhyme.
>Fucking progress.

>Eight o'clock.
>Back home.
>Preparing.
>Baking Bagels.
>You can hear some terrible noise. Like a squeegee.
>Fluttershy is rubbing her ass up against your front window.
>Ugh, you can see all the terrible details of an unshaven pony anus.
>The sphincter keeps contracting. Lusting for something.
>You go up to the window with a ball of dough.
WHAM
>Fluttershy squeeks and falls into the snowdrift outside. You pull splattered dough off the window. It's got cobwebs in it.
>Sigh. Can't use this.
>Knock at the door.
"It's open."
>Fluttershy kicks the door and walks in like some hipster douchebag, dizzy and out of it.
>"A-anon...I just...is Analingus your fetish?"
>You throw the dough ball at Fluttershy and peg her in the face. She falls to the side and tries to get the thing out of her mane.
>She cries a little.
"Fluttershy, what did you do with my sock?"
>She mumbles something. Sounds like. "..."
"Fluttershy, did you eat my masturbation sock?"
>"Oh no!" She blushes as she wipes dough out of her eyes and off her cheeks. "I'd never do that."
"You framed it didn't you?"
>She kicks a hoof lightly and looks over her shoulder.
>She notices your groceries.
>"Oh...are you having a party?"
"Yes. How'd you discern that from like, two bags of groceries?"
>"Well...uh...it's the holidays...and you don't have a special somepony...and--well I could be your--"
"Pinkie mentioned it. Didn't she?"
>She nods and squeaks.
>Against all your better judgement you consider inviting her.
>Could it really be so bad?
>Bagels. Good friends. No Rarity. A pole.
>Of course it'll be terrible, that's the point.
"Fluttershy, you should stay for the party. I want to see how you can deal with human culture."
>"Oh! I bet I'll love it...just like I love you Anon."
>She's wet.
"Your little Kindness is leaking on the floor."
>The floor is covered in shitty shag carpet and old newspapers. Her voice seems joking but quiet. You're positive she said.
>..."...how can you tell?"

>Nine. Show time.
>Pinkie and Rainbow show up first and they bring in the pole. It's not huge. It'll suit your purpose.
>You clear an area in the living room. Aka, the shitty shag carpet room with like, two chairs in it.
>Set the pole against the wall. Smile at it.
>Serve bagels. Pinkie eats an everything bagel.
>"Never in my life, Anon." She has a serious tone. "It's beautiful."
"A gift from the chosen people of my world."
>"Chosen people?" Rainbow asks.
"Bakers."
>Spike shows up soon after carrying a few gifts. All clearly books.
>Twilight follows him in, creepy wide smile. Big caffeinated grin. Ugly ass sweater.
"So you've come to appreciate human culture, I'm glad."
>She blushes. Purple blushes are weird.
>"Well you've been so guarded about everything...I'd love to know more about Human culture. I'm going to write a letter about this to the Princess and everything!"
"You'll want to write about this I'm sure."
>Zecora shows up and doesn't say anything, she's trying not to rhyme.
>Applejack shows up last.
>"Sorry Ah'm late sugercube, Ah can only stay for a lil'bit. Big Mac and Granny Smith and Applebloom and Me got a family tradition of our own, y'know?"
"Well, I knew you'd want to stay for the first part anyway."
>You serve bagels. Fluttershy stays quiet. You showed her you do own a hammer.
>And the hammer is not your penis.
"Now you all want a lesson in human culture, let me tell you of our most holy day."
>You clear your voice.

"Many holidays ago, on Earth, I went to buy my sweetie a DVD. I reached for the last one they had. Twilight-"
>Twilight Sparkle perks up. You shake your head.
"Was the name of the film. I reached for it. But so did another man. As i rained blows down upon him, I realized there had to be another way!"
>"What happened to that thar Day-Vay-Day?" Applejack questions.
"It was destroyed, but out of it I was forced to buy Seinfeld! And a new holiday was born! A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!"
>"Must've been some film." Rainbow comments.
"It was."
>Terrible film, but let's not upset Twilight Sparkle.
>"So what's with the pole?" Rainbow is undressing you with her eyes, picturing you dancing on it.
"Some people use a tree. For Festivus it is a pole. There are no decorations."
>Pinkie looks like you just murdered her family.
"I find tinsel distracting!"
>You motion towards the meager meal of cheap fake mushroom food, booze, and gum. And bagels.
"Let us dine this Festivus Eve and then begin the most important rituals."
>They look at you expectantly.
"The Airing of Grievances and The Feats of Strength!"

>Dinner is terrible. The girls look concerned. Well. Somewhat.
>Fluttershy has been shaking and mewling since you started yelling about Festivus in the living room.
>Rainbow doesn't get it, but she's intrigued about Feats of Strength.
>Pinkie keeps glaring at the pole.
>Twilight is taking notes.
>Spike is getting drunk. Good for you dragonborn, drink away.
>Applejack is pushing her bagel around.
>Zecora is amazed by bubblegum.
>You finish your meal first.
"All right. On to the airing of grievances. I've GOT A LOTTA PROBLEMS WITH YOU PONIES! AND NOW, YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!"
>You point at Zecora.
"You keep rhyming, stop it! You stink at it and it feels forced. Be normal and be happy. And wear that robe again, it looked cool!"
>You point at Applejack.
"Your apples gave me terrible diarrhea--no Fluttershy that's not my fucking fetish!--and you need to branch out to other produce if you want to remain financially viable!"
>You point at Spike.
"I await the return of your dark masters."
>"...what?"
>You point at Twilight.
"You're crazy OCD, LADY! You gotta deal with that! Also, you report directly to a semi-divine lady, that's intense! of course I'm gonna act like a shut-in to the goddamn Ordo Hereticus!"
>You point at Pinkie.
"Be serious for once in your life!"
>You point at Rainbow.
"You. If you like me, freak me. If you don't, stop being a bitch about it!"
>And your hand twitches and shivers as you motion to Fluttershy.
"And YOU...YOu SICK LITTLE MOO COW."
>She trembles in fear.

"You guess my sexual predilections every day like it's your damn job. You keep leaving your dirty woman juices all over my house. I smelled it in my shampoo. You think you're all that, that you're soooo kind, but you wouldn't know kind if it came up and gave you a reach-around by way of two succubi and...oh I've lost my train of thought."
>Applejack twists her hoof in a circle near her head, indicating you're off your rocker.
>Twilight is taking notes.
>Pinkie's hair puffs out for a second.
>Rainbow blushes and holds her head.
>Spike keeps mouthing "Dark masters?...Luna?" or something.
>Zecora laughs.
>"An airing this most certainly was. Applejack, I hate your cuz."
"Stop. Rhyming."
>"What, Braeburn? What's wrong with cousin Braeburn?"
>The table descends into argument and hate-filled speech.
>They shout their complaints.
>Tramp. Bitch. Loser. Weakling. Crazy.
>Hateful. Mean. Grumpy. Unfriendly.
>Should be naked more...Fluttershy isn't good at grievances.
>After everyone is good and furious you raise a glass, suck it down and shout.
"You want this all to be over? To go back and be friends do you not?"
>They nod.
"To move past our grievances and evolve as hum--pony beings?!"
>They nod.
"Well tough. FESTIVUS IS NOT OVER UNTIL ONE OF YOU PINS ME!"
>You roll your shoulders.
"I challenge you Fluttershy, you sick little freak--to the FEATS OF STRENGTH!"
>She meeps.
>"oh...oh no."

>You're wearing a luchadore outfit. You got it special made and everything.
>Rarity is good for something.
>Fluttershy had her own mask prepared.
>Gimp suit mask. You saw it in the trash earlier. She's gonna use it.
"FIGHT ME!"
>You pound your chest like a primal beast and begin to circle her like a predator.
>Applejack looks confused and sad she didn't get picked to fight.
>Rainbow Dash is watching your ass in the tights.
>It's like you're wearing nothing at all.
>Nothing at all.
>Nothing at all!
>Zecora is sucking down her little carton of eggnog and mixing it with booze.
>Pinkie is dressed like Tyler Durden.
>Pandering bitch has good taste in coats.
>Twilight is taking notes.
>Spike is tugging on Twilight's ugly sweater.
>"Shouldn't you get involve, Twi?"
>"Shhh Spike...it might be a human mating ritual."
>Fluttershy has her head to the ground. And she's weeping.
"Fluttershy, you were a freaking world famous model! You are a freaking super hero magic girl!"
>You tackle her and begin to grapple her.
>Head slam into the ground. She yelps.
"You can talk to animals! You can fly!"
>Rainbow Dash yells. "I can fly too Anon!"
"I know that Rainbow! Sheesh!..where was I?"
>You put on your best villain voice and flip the pone, putting her in a headlock.
>Her wings flick against your chest, trying to do something. It tickles.
"You're all that and Celestia-suckin' BAG O GOLDEN CHIPS, and you're in my trashcan looking for semen-stained socks to put in your little gallery?!"
>She is grinding her ass on your penis.
>Goddamn tights.
>Goddamn violence.
>Boner city.
>"...Is this your fetish Anon?"
>She breaks your grasp and slugs you in the face.
>ow.
>"Humiliating helpless, nice, loving ponies who only want to make you happy?!"
>She headbutts you to the ground and grabs your arm. She starts twisting it. You wince in pain.
>"That's your fetish isn't it?!"
>You grin wicked and let out a whimper.
>Fluttershy lets go of your arm and looks down at your face.
>"Oh A-anon, I didn't mean to hurt you...I'm so sorry, I was just..."
"THE FEATS OF STRENGTH!"
>You leap up and tackle her and rub her face into that terrible moldy ass carpet where her lady juices spilled just an hour or two ago.
"Violent competition is my fetish, Flutterbutt."
>You get up and raise your hands in victory, removing your mask as no true Luchadore should.
>Rainbow Dash tackles you.
>"I'm going to end Festivus right now, Anon!"
>She knocks you on your ass.
>She whispers. "I like your fetish."
>You headbutt her and take a bite out of her rainbow mane.
"Bitch, I love my fetish."

>Festivus ended soon after. Rainbow got too humpy.
>Applejack ended up kicking you in the teeth.
>You woke up the next morning.
>Gum in your hair.
>Chipped tooth.
>Sex stank.
>Rainbow horse snoring up a storm on the carpet.
>Fluttershy staring off into the middle-distance, as if traumatized. The door's wide open, letting in the cold.
"Hey Flutterbutt, I bang the Sonic Rainboom?"
>She turns back to face you.
>"Oh...oh...yeah..."
>She's starting to cry.
>"I just...just wanted you to love me..like I Love You."
>You roll your shoulders.
"Lady, I'm a goddamn apex predator living in a world of candy, sunshine and farts. I'm not in love. I'm in lust. With violence. And shit I can't get here that I could get all the damn time back home."
>"Oh...but maybe you could learn to love?"
"Nah, you're gonna have to learn...Wait, I had something for this."
>You reach under the couch and grab some terrible sunglasses. You slide them on.
"To learn to deal with it."
>"Why are you so mean to me?" Fluttershy mumbles.
"Because there ain't no way I'm fucking Fluttershy."