Transcribed Grandfathers Journal

So today I redecorated my house. By which I mean that I moved a bunch of stuff around. I never use my old office or my wifes old office for anything. So I took some of the bookshelves and all the paintings and photos and everything out of them and closed the doors to those rooms and closed off the vents so that I am no longer having to heat them in the winter.

Actually before I closed them off, I moved a bunch of stuff from the basement upstairs, just in case the basement were to flood or something. Plus it's easier to get stuff from upstairs than having to go downstairs all the time. So now those two rooms are just closed off storage.

It was actually a pretty big deal for me to close off those two rooms like that. I used to go into them and reminisce about when my wife was alive. Now they are just cold storage rooms and feel lifeless. Like only old ghosts live in them. But I had to do it. Heating those rooms in the winter is expensive. And I thought it would be nice to move the pictures and stuff out of them where I can see them and have easy access to them.

What a difficult thing it was to do though. I still have all of her clothing in her closet. All of her jewelry on her dresser. All of her toiletries in the bathroom even. I keep thinking “What if she comes back, she’ll need all this stuff.” Of course I know she is dead and never coming back. But I guess that as long as I keep it around it feels like maybe she will come back. Maybe it was all a mistake and she never died.

Of course now my living room has a bunch of shelves full of knick knacks and tchotchke and the walls are now covered in photos and paintings and anyone coming in here would think I am some crazy hermit or I have alzheimers; either of which could be true. If my wife were here she certainly wouldn't like the way I’ve decorated.

It feels odd and wrong and I really wish I hadn’t done it. But I needed to close those rooms off and I needed to start cleaning things out. I disassembled a bunch of old furniture from those rooms and from the basement and threw it all away.