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It's been a while. Last pastebin was back in early April, and...That sounds about right. I haven't been around much throughout 2017, and I thought I'd take a moment to talk about why. I fully realize that most of the people who might see this won't actually care, and that's completely understandable. This is for everyone else. All the friends I made on Twitch who I haven't been in touch with as much lately. Because...Well, the past year, I've retreated a lot and talked to people less and less. And it's been tearing me apart. I figure people deserve to know why.

The short answer is mental health. I've never made a secret of my mental illness, and for the longest time I thought my Schizo-Affective Disorder was getting worse. I was almost right. My head's been steadily getting worse over the past year, but it's not that. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and have started a medication that helps deal with both depression and some of the constant hallucinations, but it's only been over the past 2-3 months that he and I have talked and he's made a diagnosis of another major mental illness.

Turns out I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as well. And not a small, incidental case of it. Now, this probably doesn't sound like much. Most people probably have an idea of what it's like from TV, and it's not entirely wrong. You've probably seen it shown through weird tics and constantly repeated behavior, such as washing or counting or shit like that. And you know what? Those are great examples, but...The illness is in the NEED to do those things, not doing those things themselves. It's about intrusive thoughts that don't quit, period. The more you try to ignore them, the louder it gets in your head until it's all you can think about, like a deafening roar that refuses to be ignored.

And talking with the doctor about it, things finally clicked together. If I am known for anything on Twitch, it's probably being horribly inappropriate and also being a ragemonster who unloads on people periodically with some pretty savage shit. Both things should probably get me banned more often than they do, but somehow I seem to either make it funny enough to get a free pass, or rein it in enough for people to shrug it off. Both of those things, sex and anger, are my intrusive thoughts.

Without any desire to, without any control, I am flooded daily with these intrusive thoughts. They're almost always on, and it's draining. I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want to hold grudges for years and years, always feeling as fresh as the first day it angered me. When I can finally let something go or move past things, the relief is enough to honestly bring me to tears. And the same goes for lewd shit...To a lesser extent. I am more comfortable always being inappropriate for a laugh, but it does grate on me sometimes, and I feel like I can never actually escape it.

Both of them have gotten worse and worse over the past year, and I've just withdrawn. But there's a funny thing about withdrawing. I hang back and isolate myself, the rest of the world keeps on going. And I get left behind. And the more I feel like I am left behind, the more I withdraw. Crazy, right? I go to all the streams I used to and things have changed. And most of the time it feels like there's no place for me anymore, like I don't know people outside the streamer so I don't participate as much. So I go a little bit less over time.

Which brings me to where I am now, I guess. I feel disconnected. Horribly so. And I don't know how to fix it. I have never been great about joining in group activities or staying in touch with people. In the past, I've kind of just always done my thing and it's overlapped with others doing their thing, and friendships happened. And now I spend most of my times feeling like I should be doing things or talking to people, and instead I freeze up. My doctor says that's normal of OCD, and is itself a compulsion. OCD is an anxiety disorder, but a particularly focused one. The withdrawing and freezing is a reaction to me fighting against the intrusive thoughts and basically losing. I've lost a LOT of personal fights this year. I'm trying to do better, but it's hard.

It HAS been getting a bit better, but slowly. So slowly it's its own kind of agony. It's a bit like being sick as a kid. You know you need to rest and get better, but you see all the other kids out having fun and it makes every second in bed feel worse. I don't know what to do to make it better, but...I'm trying. I miss being connected, and being more social. I miss...Most of you, really. That's why I'm even bothering writing this. I miss most of you and feel bad for being a shell of the person I used to know. And I just...I guess I want understanding, or to get an explanation out there. In case this gets worse and I keep withdrawing.

I don't want to disappear without a trace. I don't want to disappear with just a whimper. I don't want to be somebody people used to know. That's all. Thanks for reading, I guess. This isn't a cry for help or even wanting attention. I just wanted people to know.

tl;dr: sex crazed ragemonster goatman gets even crazier and sulks silently for most of a year.