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HeliAnon

100 bits: The drunk Anon Story: A memoir

Nov 14th, 2015
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  1. “So to be perfectly clear, all I have to do is not have sex or play with ol’ Anon Jr. and you’ll pay me a hundred bits a day.”
  2. >”Yes, that’s all there is to it Anon.”
  3. >You stare Sunbutt dead in the eyes.
  4. “Nothing else, no other requirements?”
  5. >You step right up her so there only a mere inch separating your faces.
  6. >”Uuuh, yes that’s really it.”
  7. >An almost manic grin grows on your face.
  8. “Alright sunny buns, you got yourself a deal.”
  9. >The princess’ face began to grow with worry.
  10. “I expect the first bag of bits tomorrow.”
  11. >That was your exchange with the sun princess a week ago.
  12. >Honestly you had nothing when you talked with her, no ulterior maniacal plans or motives.
  13. >But she didn’t know that.
  14. >Now here you are sitting on your porch drinking some home made vodka.
  15. >Its make you strong in gut da.
  16. >And off in the bushes directly in front of your house you spied the sun cutie mark.
  17. >She’s been spying on you ever since she made that stupid deal.
  18. >Twilight even said Celestia was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and kept muttering something about your dastardly plans.
  19. >All you plan to do is just sit here, kill your liver, and make a decent living doing nothing.
  20. >Life is good.
  21.  
  22. ---
  23.  
  24. >”You bucker, get back here and rut me!”
  25. >Ah this is this is the life.
  26. >It’s been two weeks since you started this little bet with Sunhorse.
  27. >At the moment you were leaving your job and heading home for the day.
  28. >A mare screaming at you all the way.
  29. >Whomever told Celestia that your sexual escapades were a bad thing apparently didn’t give her the whole story.
  30. >It was a simple agreement.
  31. >You worked at the spa and gave ponies massages.
  32. >Some ponies needed a little extra relief, and some just liked to watch.
  33. >Now you were a man of your word, much to Anon Jr’s displeasure.
  34. >The mare’s who had prebooked appointments almost a month in advance were all going to be sending quite a few letters to their favorite princess.
  35. >Coming up to your home you checked your mailbox.
  36. >Cha-ching!
  37. >Another bag of bits, time to celebrate with some booze.
  38. >What were you celebrating?
  39. >Who the fuck cares.
  40. >You were getting paid.
  41.  
  42. ---
  43.  
  44. >He’s planning something.
  45. >He has to be.
  46. >What other reasons would he have then to agree to such a ridiculous bet.
  47. >No stallion could go that long without relief.
  48. >And now its been nearly two weeks.
  49. >”Your highness, is everything alright?”
  50. “NO ITS NOT ALRIGHT! HE WILL BREAK I’M SURE OF IT!”
  51. >Slowly the guard backed up, tail tucked between his legs.
  52. >Oh he will break one way or another.
  53. >If you want something done right and prevent a catastrophe, its best to do it yourself.
  54.  
  55. Elsewhere..
  56. “Get the fuck of my lawn you fucking horses.”
  57. >Throwing an empty glass it landed somewhere on your lawn.
  58. >The two mares passing by your house merely shook their heads.
  59. >That’s right, better walk away!
  60. >Where were you?
  61. >That’s right, you were going shot for shot.
  62. >With yourself.
  63. >There were only winners in this game.
  64.  
  65. ---
  66.  
  67. >My head hurts.
  68. >Why does my head hurt?
  69. >Somewhere in the back of your head you could have sworn you heard ‘You make motherland proud comrade’.
  70. >But besides that something felt wrong.
  71. >Well besides the hangover.
  72. >There was movement around your bottom half.
  73. >Opening your eyes you looked down.
  74. >There licking your erect member was the sun princess herself.
  75. >Wait, why are you naked?
  76. >With a wanton look in her eyes you saw her stick out her tongue almost teasingly lick from base to tip.
  77. >Then back down.
  78. >The hot breath as she exhaled met your shaft, which only made you roll your head back from the sensation.
  79. >Was this another alcohol induced dream.
  80. >The most powerful horse in the land, basically a god here was sucking your dick.
  81. >I hope your proud of me dad.
  82. >In that moment you felt the princess’ lips close around the head before slowly working their way down.
  83. >If this is a dream, someone fucking bash my head so I can stay here in a comatose state.
  84. >Holy shit she took you all the way down.
  85. >Seriously I don’t want to fucking waking up from this ever.
  86. >”Anon wake up.”
  87. >No, fuck that. This feels too good.
  88. >”Anon for the love of all equestria wake up.”
  89. >Almost as if a fog lifted you opened your eyes.
  90. >Laying in your bed you saw a purple pony standing at its foot.
  91. >With a hoof to her face she was shaking her head.
  92. >”Listen Anon can you get dressed and meet me at the castle, there’s some things we need to talk about.”
  93. “Fuck you book horse.”
  94. >”Just shut up and get dressed.”
  95. >With a pop the horse was gone.
  96. >And you had a massive boner, god dammit.
  97. >God you had to piss bad right now.
  98.  
  99. ---
  100.  
  101. >Downing another chug from your flask you stared at purple nurple.
  102. “Run that by me again.”
  103. >A heavy sigh escaped the book princess.
  104. >”Princess Celestia’s been acting very strangely ever since this little bet of yours began.”
  105. >”And from what the guards at the Canterlot castle told me, she’s even gotten Luna in on it.”
  106. >That would explain the weird dream.
  107. “Don’t worry Twilight I have the perfect solution to this problem.”
  108. >Twilot looked hopeful.
  109. “I’m going to go and drink myself into a stupor then go to see the princess. There’s a 80 percent chance it will work.”
  110. >This statement made Twittle tilt her head in question.
  111. >”What about the other 20?”
  112. “I throw up and go streaking through the castle while dry humping any pony I come across. Either way it’s a chance I’m willing to take.”
  113. >Chugging the contents of your flask you yelled with all your might.
  114. “To victory! To being drunk on a Monday you fuckwits!”
  115.  
  116. ---
  117.  
  118. >”Sir we know that ponies don’t normally wear clothes, but please put your pants back on.”
  119. “Fuck you, down with the matriarchy!”
  120. >Swinging the piece of clothing over your head you jumped down from the top of the carriage.
  121. >Okay maybe we should rewind a bit.
  122. >Twiggles suggested you go fix the mess with Celestia.
  123. >So naturally you went home to pre-game before the trip.
  124. >You were a responsible drinker after all.
  125. >No way were you going to pay what those shills charged on the train.
  126. >Which turned into two bottles of wine and a fifth of vodka.
  127. >The train ride was interesting.
  128. >Today you learned that when ponies jump from a moving train they do bounce when they hit the ground at 40 miles per hour.
  129. >Isn’t science fascinating?
  130. >When you arrived at the shit city you got a carriage to take you to the castle.
  131. >Everything was going well until the cabbie decided to puss out due to your ranting.
  132. >All you said if you ever decided to take over you’d enslave every pony and force them into a totalitarian regime where the weak get eaten by the strong.
  133. >What a little bitch.
  134. >Now here you were dealing with the popo.
  135. >Luckily you had your handy-dandy booze backpack™.
  136. >After refueling you resumed your fight against the man…pony…fuck you.
  137. >It was at that moment that the greatest idea struck you.
  138. >That’s it, that’s how you were going to fight them.
  139. >You picked up the little guard pony.
  140. “Come comrade shiny-buns, we shall bring fight to them!”
  141. >Slinging the struggling guard pony over your shoulder you resumed your crusade against the forces of sobriety.
  142.  
  143. ---
  144.  
  145. >The reports just keep coming in.
  146. >Why the heck did you agree to supervise the night shift?
  147. “I’m sorry ma’am, we haven’t caught him yet but were on the lookout.”
  148. >And there’s another one.
  149. >The human was in town.
  150. >First it was the pre-school.
  151. >Now the cathedral, how did he even draw a dick that big?
  152. >All the while holding one of your men hostage.
  153. >”Sir, we’ve spotted him!”
  154. >Thank Celestia.
  155. “Where is he?”
  156. >”They said he holed himself up in the fireworks warehouse, he said he demands two barrels of wine, a clown pony, and three drums of lube.”
  157. >Never again were you going to work the night shift.
  158.  
  159. ---
  160.  
  161. >Fucking hangovers.
  162. >Like a phoenix you rose with a pounding headache.
  163. >And like a dragon you projectile vomited the contents of your stomach in front of you.
  164. >Now that that was out of your system you looked around at the carnage.
  165. >Several guard ponies lay there, their coats showing a glossy sheen.
  166. >Probably from those empty lube canisters.
  167. >Why the fuck was there a clown in the corner crying?
  168. >Most importantly, where the fuck were your pants?
  169. >Cantdealwiththis.exe
  170. >File not found.
  171. >God you need a drink.
  172. >Well since you’re here you might as well go see the princess.
  173. >Outside you saw several trashcans lit on fire.
  174. >More unconscious ponies lay surrounding the area.
  175. >Off in the distance you saw the royal cathedral with a giant red dick drawn on its side.
  176. >Jesus the crime in this city was getting way out of hand.
  177. >Hailing a cab you got in the carriage.
  178. “To the castle jeeves!”
  179. >”My names Bumpy Ride!”
  180. “Did I ask for your life story? Just fucking go bud.”
  181. >A quick ride later you were at the castle.
  182. >The guards didn’t even stop you on the way in.
  183. >They almost looked scared.
  184. >Fucking security sucked brah.
  185. >You should tell sunny butt about it.
  186. >No wonder they fucking lost to a bunch of ladybugs before.
  187. >Opening the big doors you yelled for effect.
  188. “Where the bitches at?”
  189. >”Shut your trap you vile being, you are in the presence of royalty!”
  190. >Oh look, it’s the princess’ younger but still pretty hot sister.
  191. “Hey insecurity, how are ya?”
  192. >”Show some respect monkey.”
  193. “Fuck you too then, anyway where’s Sunny D?”
  194. >”Mine sister has departed for Manehattan earlier, she should be back within the week, but you have some...”
  195. >Flipping her off you headed back towards the door.
  196. >”Get back here human, where do you think you’re going?”
  197. “I’m off to raid your wine cellar, then to manehattan, might even take a shit under your pillow. In whatever order strikes my fancy.”
  198. >Who were you kidding, you were headed for the wine cellar first.
  199. >You heard they had some good shit stored there.
  200.  
  201. ---
  202.  
  203. >You always considered yourself lucky.
  204. >Like when you fell off the top of the empire state building and ended up in magical horse land.
  205. >And they had booze here.
  206. >And bitches.
  207. >Fucking horny pastel horses.
  208. “So yeah the princess was like ‘bitch I will drop you 100 bits a day to keep your dick out of those trick ass mares’ and I was like ‘fuck you horse I do what I want!’ and she was like… what the fuck were we talking about again?”
  209. >Dipping your empty cup into the opened barrel sitting in front of you, you chugged the wine down.
  210. >Shit was good yo.
  211. >Looking to the old mare sitting next to you, you saw she was foaming at the mouth.
  212. >Fucking weird horses brah.
  213. >Might as well go see what the rest of the train looked like.
  214. >Maybe they got some good booze in that first class cabin.
  215. >Walking through the hall you saw several ponies shut their doors, fear plastered on their faces.
  216. >kek, plastered.
  217. >Weak ass bitches.
  218. >This is your house.
  219. >Train, whatever.
  220. >Finally you arrived at the first class car.
  221. >Shit was nice.
  222. >Wait is that?
  223. >”Give me a cider barkeep.”
  224. >Why yes it was.
  225. “Holy shit its catbird.”
  226. >You pointed at the barkeep.
  227. >Wait he’s not a catbird, okay adjust aim… and there yup that’s the one.
  228. >”And what the heck are you?”
  229. “Shhhshhhhh I ask the questions here fuzzy buck.. briche…dammit I got nothing, pussy whiskers.. hey that’ll work.”
  230. “Where the fuck are your whiskers anyway?”
  231. >The gryphon slowly started backing up.
  232. >”Okay, I’m just going to go back to my compartment now.”
  233. “Nah fuck that, were all friends here.”
  234.  
  235. In Manehattan the very next day.
  236. >On a busy city street a young colt was selling some papers yelling.
  237. “Read all about it ‘Manehattan Express De-rails on its trip from Canterlot’, many passengers missing.”
  238. “Those that were rescued kept screaming about ‘He wanted us to smell his fingers!’, read all about it!”
  239.  
  240. ---
  241.  
  242. >Walking down the road towards the city gave you some time to think.
  243. >A lot of the stuff happening around you was pretty bad.
  244. >Moon horse was fucking with your dreams.
  245. >That shit in Canterlot with the clown.
  246. >And someone shit on the princess’ pillow.
  247. >Deep down you knew what was at fault for all this.
  248. >In your heart you knew the source.
  249. >Fucking spike.
  250. >That little nigger fucked all this shit up.
  251. >Bitch better be ready for when you got back to Ponyville.
  252. >So what led to you walking by your lonesome?
  253. >When you woke up you found yourself in a de-railed train car.
  254. >Fuck they just give anyone a fucking train license nowadays, fuckers are going to get someone killed.
  255. >But the biggest question was why you were only wearing a speedo.
  256. >Where the fuck did someone even get one of these.
  257. >Eh fuck it.
  258. >Magic horses and shit, better not to question it.
  259. >Walking past the bend, the trees finally opened up and you saw it.
  260. >Manehattan.
  261. >What a fucking piece of shit city.
  262. >Its good you were here though.
  263. >You were out of booze, and its almost 9 in the morning.
  264. >Better find a bar before you begin looking for the princess.
  265.  
  266. ---
  267.  
  268. That Evening…
  269.  
  270. “Amabassador, thank you for your kind words this evening. And to our esteemed guests present, thank you for being here.”
  271. >With a smile you left the stage.
  272. >You came to manehattan for this banquet.
  273. >What a pile of manure.
  274. >Right now you should be cracking whatever dastardly plans Anon was concocting.
  275. >But nooo, Luna had to grow a pair of ovaries and stick you with ‘Its our royal duty’.
  276. >You should send her to the moon for a day or two to remind her who the boss is around here.
  277. >Several guests approached to say thanks for your appearance.
  278. >It was some charity to promote otter suicide awareness or something.
  279. >Bucking everything had a charity nowadays.
  280. >Bleh.
  281. >With that thought an explosion shook the building.
  282. >That can’t be good
  283. >Manage Panic Mode:Activate.
  284. “Alright my little ponies, remain calm. Stay here until we know what’s happening.”
  285. “Don’t go near the windows and try to avoid leaving the hall for accountability reasons.”
  286. >Yu always handled any crisis like a boss.
  287. >You exited the hall and headed towards the doors that led outside.
  288. >Once outside you gasped.
  289. >Ponies were fleeing down the streets.
  290. >Several building were on fire.
  291. >And yup… there was an orgy happening in the middle of the street.
  292. “My little ponies, I don’t think it’s the right time for that. You should all get to safety.”
  293. >With a frustrated group of groans the small group disbanded.
  294. >Now back to the problem.
  295. >With a resilient face you stared towards the oncoming mayhem.
  296. >The explosions were getting louder.
  297. >Their source probably coming closer.
  298. >Slowly a shadow started growing until it was fully cast against a building.
  299. >The shadows owner was just around the corner.
  300. >Whatever was causing this was big.
  301. >Slowly you began channeling all your magic, ready to unleash it on the monstrosity causing all this devastation.
  302. >Than the shadow shrunk back down until Anon turned the corner.
  303. >”Snooki want snu snu!”
  304. >What the buck is a snooki?
  305. >You watched as he threw an empty wine bottle at a shop window.
  306. >An explosion emanated from inside and send glass spraying all over the street.
  307. >The store then erupted in flames.
  308. >How?
  309. >You saw it yourself, the bottle was empty.
  310. >The second you turned back to look at Anon you almost jumped back.
  311. >He was there right in front of you with a big grin on his face.
  312. >”Hi there superflanks, do you have time to talk about the church of scientology?”
  313. >Everything went dark after that.
  314.  
  315. ---
  316.  
  317. >You really need to stop drinking tequila.
  318. >At least you think it was tequila that you were drinking.
  319. >Maybe it was rubbing alcohol.
  320. >You stopped caring after a while.
  321. >Looking down you found yourself in a strange place yet again.
  322. “Where the fuck am I now?”
  323. >You managed to get out with a pained groan.
  324. >”On a train on its way back home to Ponyville.”
  325. >Fighting the struggle to regain focus in your eye..eyes, there we go both.
  326. “Oh hey Twilight what brings you out here?”
  327. >”Four destroyed building, 10 stores completely burned down, and you let all the animals out of the zoo and one commuter train destoryed.”
  328. >Fighting back the urge to vomit you glared at the lavender bitty.
  329. “First of all, those are my brothers, and they were enslaved for ponies amusement. All I did was give them freedom.”
  330. >”You’re so full of it.”
  331. >The small ache in your head was beginning to grow.
  332. >”Anyway, as of right now the mayor of manehattan has actively banned you from the city for a year. And Luna says she wants a new pillow.”
  333. “What happened to her pillow?”
  334. >Twiggles sent another glare your way.
  335. >”Princess Celestia, has graciously rescinded her bet with you due to the fact the bits are going to be needed to cover the repair costs to both manehattan and Canterlot.”
  336. >You burped, and the acidic stomach contents began making their way back up.
  337. “So I think you learned a go….”
  338. >You puked all over the book loving horse.
  339. >It felt good to get that out of you.
  340. >And look on the Brightside, there’s always Baltimare you could go and visit.
  341.  
  342. ---
  343. A little something for you all...
  344.  
  345.  
  346. “I will save you my small equine friends!”
  347. >Launching yourself through the glass window you fell towards the ground.
  348. >Two small equines, one under each arm held firmly.
  349. >Your only clothing, a tutu, that was way too small.
  350. >But that sensation of a nice breeze hitting your junk felt fucking great.
  351. >The moment your feet hit the ground you took off running.
  352. “For Valhalla!”
  353. >”Sir can you put us down.”
  354. “Nonsense, robin. We have to go find the joker and the penguin before they poison the watering hole.”
  355. >The guard on your left turned to the one currently fighting your grip o the right.
  356. >”I don’t think he knows what he’s doing.”
  357. >”You think? The human drank an entire barrel of wine. The fact that he’s still breathing is a miracle.”
  358. >Your feet skid to a halt.
  359. >And two ‘omphs’ were heard when you dropped the two guard ponies.
  360. >Tears began making their way down your face.
  361. >You had found it.
  362. >A small store sat there.
  363. >The sign above it declared in inviting letter ‘Spirits and Ale’s of Yakyakistan’.
  364. >In the window, proudly displayed was a large bottle of vodka.
  365. >Comrade I have found.
  366. >Now liberate from this prison.
  367. “For the motherland!”
  368. >You sprinted towards the small store, the two shopkeepers cowered in fright.
  369.  
  370. A few days later….
  371. ”Spike, start a new list.”
  372. >”For what Twilight?”
  373. “Places Anon’s been banned from, apparently he’s no longer allowed in Mineighapolis.”
  374. >A small snort escaped the young dragon.
  375. >”What did he do now?”
  376. “Not sure, but the letter said he tried marking his territory… all over the city.”
  377. >You should probably look into some kind of help for Anon.
  378. >His drinking was starting to get out of hoof.
  379.  
  380. ---
  381.  
  382. >So the plan backfired.
  383. >Probably due Twilights meddling in your affairs.
  384. >Again.
  385. >She may be a princess now and your favorite student, but seriously she was getting all up in your feathers.
  386. >”Your highness?”
  387. >Of course you were going call the bet off eventually, but Anon just had to go too far.
  388. >Fortunately the bits he was going to be receiving were now going to be re-diverted to fixing everything he managed to destroy in Baltimare.
  389. >”Your Highness, you really need to settle this dispute.”
  390. >I mean sure it was only few thousand bits worth of damage, but to go as far as to burn down a clown school.
  391. >”Sister, you have been sitting there for quite some time now, is everything alright?”
  392. >Snapping out of your inner monologue you looked around.
  393. >Oh dear, you spaced out.
  394. >All the nobles of the court were looking at you with mixed emotions.
  395. “I’m fine Luna, now where were we.”
  396.  
  397. ---
  398.  
  399. “And that’s why this is going to be one of my best idea’s ever!”
  400. >”Anon, I don’t know if trying to make a this ‘we ski’ stuff is such a good idea.”
  401. “Trust me, I’m a professional. I know what I’m doing… I think.”
  402. >So maybe you conned Apple horse to let you use one of her barns, maybe there was a chance the whole thing would blow up in your face… again.
  403. >But this was for science, and getting drunk.
  404. >Besides what other choice did you have.
  405. >Fucking horses banned you from buying any booze here.
  406. >How the hell were you supposed to celebrate.
  407. >What were you celebrating?
  408. >Who the fuck cares.
  409. >Its just a good reason to get drunk.
  410. >Alright, you did some cool shit in grade school with bunsen burners, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
  411.  
  412. ---
  413.  
  414. >You are the best flyer in all the land.
  415. >What more did you need to know.
  416. “Okay Flitter just push those clouds a mile to the west and we should be all set for the planned showers tomorrow.”
  417. >”Gotcha boss!”
  418. >Off in the distance you saw a small explosion.
  419. >Wait, wasn’t that sweet apple acres?
  420. >Oh, well.
  421. >You had cloud pony stuff to do anyway.
  422.  
  423. ---
  424.  
  425. >God, if that bit of plywood was jammed any further up your ass right now you’d be buying it dinner.
  426. >”You ‘kay there pardner?”
  427. >With a cough a few pieces of wood and what looked like a traumatized mouse flew out of your mouth.
  428. >Giving appul horse a thumbs up you managed to crawl out of the wreckage of the destroyed barn.
  429. >Okay so making whiskey in a barn didn’t turn out to be the best idea you ever had.
  430. “Sorry about your barn there apples.”
  431. >”Ah don’t worry yourself about it sugarcube, Imma send the bill ta Twilight anyway.”
  432. >Apple horse was good people.. err horse, whatever.
  433. >But you were back to square one.
  434. >No booze.
  435. >You could always try drinking that rubbing alcohol.
  436. >Too bad that shit was fucking weak.
  437. >Dammit magic horseland, there had to be a way to get plastered without resorting to drastic measures.
  438. >…..
  439. >Well damn, I got nothing.
  440. >What do you think Mr. Liver?
  441. >…..
  442. >I like your style, break into Twilight place and forge an official decree that let you buy all the alcohol you’d ever need.
  443. >You know what they say Mr. Liver, great minds think alike.
  444.  
  445. ---
  446. >Be Anon’s liver.
  447. “Please kill me!”
  448.  
  449. ---
  450.  
  451. “Sir please put the dragon down.”
  452. >”Fuck you bud, I will stop the invasion even with… wait, what was I doing?”
  453. >It’s really sad, that there was actually a set of guidelines for dealing with this sort of situation.
  454. >You are Lawful Order, one of the towns guards.
  455. >And you’re currently trying to get Anon to release Spike.
  456. “Anon, how about I help you with whatever it is your doing, but after you let Spike there go.”
  457. >Please let this work.
  458. >The baby dragon in question was loosely tied to Anon’s waist with a rope.
  459. >Poor little guy looked like he gave up any hope of being freed and just hung there limply with a faraway look in his eyes.
  460. >The things he must have seen.
  461. >Poor kid.
  462. >”Screw you professor oak, I already got my pokemans!”
  463. >Whats he doing now?
  464. >Oh thank Celestia, it looks like he’s about to let spike go.
  465. >Wait why is he…
  466. >”Charmander I choose You!”
  467. >DUCK!
  468. >With a mighty heave Anon flung Spike as hard as he could.
  469. >A hard thund and ‘Oww’ met your ears.
  470. >”Well shit, okay then fuck you mate! I’m going to go get me a new digimon.”
  471. >Maybe putting in that transfer request would be a good idea.
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