100 bits: The drunk Anon Story: A memoir

“So to be perfectly clear, all I have to do is not have sex or play with ol’ Anon Jr. and you’ll pay me a hundred bits a day.”
>”Yes, that’s all there is to it Anon.”
>You stare Sunbutt dead in the eyes.
“Nothing else, no other requirements?”
>You step right up her so there only a mere inch separating your faces.
>”Uuuh, yes that’s really it.”
>An almost manic grin grows on your face.
“Alright sunny buns, you got yourself a deal.”
>The princess’ face began to grow with worry.
“I expect the first bag of bits tomorrow.”
>That was your exchange with the sun princess a week ago.
>Honestly you had nothing when you talked with her, no ulterior maniacal plans or motives.
>But she didn’t know that.
>Now here you are sitting on your porch drinking some home made vodka.
>Its make you strong in gut da.
>And off in the bushes directly in front of your house you spied the sun cutie mark.
>She’s been spying on you ever since she made that stupid deal.
>Twilight even said Celestia was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and kept muttering something about your dastardly plans.
>All you plan to do is just sit here, kill your liver, and make a decent living doing nothing.
>Life is good.

---

>”You bucker, get back here and rut me!”
>Ah this is this is the life.
>It’s been two weeks since you started this little bet with Sunhorse.
>At the moment you were leaving your job and heading home for the day.
>A mare screaming at you all the way.
>Whomever told Celestia that your sexual escapades were a bad thing apparently didn’t give her the whole story.
>It was a simple agreement.
>You worked at the spa and gave ponies massages.
>Some ponies needed a little extra relief, and some just liked to watch.
>Now you were a man of your word, much to Anon Jr’s displeasure.
>The mare’s who had prebooked appointments almost a month in advance were all going to be sending quite a few letters to their favorite princess.
>Coming up to your home you checked your mailbox.
>Cha-ching!
>Another bag of bits, time to celebrate with some booze.
>What were you celebrating?
>Who the fuck cares.
>You were getting paid.

---

>He’s planning something.
>He has to be.
>What other reasons would he have then to agree to such a ridiculous bet.
>No stallion could go that long without relief.
>And now its been nearly two weeks.
>”Your highness, is everything alright?”
“NO ITS NOT ALRIGHT! HE WILL BREAK I’M SURE OF IT!”
>Slowly the guard backed up, tail tucked between his legs.
>Oh he will break one way or another.
>If you want something done right and prevent a catastrophe, its best to do it yourself.

Elsewhere..
“Get the fuck of my lawn you fucking horses.”
>Throwing an empty glass it landed somewhere on your lawn.
>The two mares passing by your house merely shook their heads.
>That’s right, better walk away!
>Where were you?
>That’s right, you were going shot for shot.
>With yourself.
>There were only winners in this game.

---

>My head hurts.
>Why does my head hurt?
>Somewhere in the back of your head you could have sworn you heard ‘You make motherland proud comrade’.
>But besides that something felt wrong.
>Well besides the hangover.
>There was movement around your bottom half.
>Opening your eyes you looked down.
>There licking your erect member was the sun princess herself.
>Wait, why are you naked?
>With a wanton look in her eyes you saw her stick out her tongue almost teasingly lick from base to tip.
>Then back down.
>The hot breath as she exhaled met your shaft, which only made you roll your head back from the sensation.
>Was this another alcohol induced dream.
>The most powerful horse in the land, basically a god here was sucking your dick.
>I hope your proud of me dad.
>In that moment you felt the princess’ lips close around the head before slowly working their way down.
>If this is a dream, someone fucking bash my head so I can stay here in a comatose state.
>Holy shit she took you all the way down.
>Seriously I don’t want to fucking waking up from this ever.
>”Anon wake up.”
>No, fuck that. This feels too good.
>”Anon for the love of all equestria wake up.”
>Almost as if a fog lifted you opened your eyes.
>Laying in your bed you saw a purple pony standing at its foot.
>With a hoof to her face she was shaking her head.
>”Listen Anon can you get dressed and meet me at the castle, there’s some things we need to talk about.”
“Fuck you book horse.”
>”Just shut up and get dressed.”
>With a pop the horse was gone.
>And you had a massive boner, god dammit.
>God you had to piss bad right now.

---

>Downing another chug from your flask you stared at purple nurple.
“Run that by me again.”
>A heavy sigh escaped the book princess.
>”Princess Celestia’s been acting very strangely ever since this little bet of yours began.”
>”And from what the guards at the Canterlot castle told me, she’s even gotten Luna in on it.”
>That would explain the weird dream.
“Don’t worry Twilight I have the perfect solution to this problem.”
>Twilot looked hopeful.
“I’m going to go and drink myself into a stupor then go to see the princess. There’s a 80 percent chance it will work.”
>This statement made Twittle tilt her head in question.
>”What about the other 20?”
“I throw up and go streaking through the castle while dry humping any pony I come across. Either way it’s a chance I’m willing to take.”
>Chugging the contents of your flask you yelled with all your might.
“To victory! To being drunk on a Monday you fuckwits!”

---

>”Sir we know that ponies don’t normally wear clothes, but please put your pants back on.”
“Fuck you, down with the matriarchy!”
>Swinging the piece of clothing over your head you jumped down from the top of the carriage.
>Okay maybe we should rewind a bit.
>Twiggles suggested you go fix the mess with Celestia.
>So naturally you went home to pre-game before the trip.
>You were a responsible drinker after all.
>No way were you going to pay what those shills charged on the train.
>Which turned into two bottles of wine and a fifth of vodka.
>The train ride was interesting.
>Today you learned that when ponies jump from a moving train they do bounce when they hit the ground at 40 miles per hour.
>Isn’t science fascinating?
>When you arrived at the shit city you got a carriage to take you to the castle.
>Everything was going well until the cabbie decided to puss out due to your ranting.
>All you said if you ever decided to take over you’d enslave every pony and force them into a totalitarian regime where the weak get eaten by the strong.
>What a little bitch.
>Now here you were dealing with the popo.
>Luckily you had your handy-dandy booze backpack™.
>After refueling you resumed your fight against the man…pony…fuck you.
>It was at that moment that the greatest idea struck you.
>That’s it, that’s how you were going to fight them.
>You picked up the little guard pony.
“Come comrade shiny-buns, we shall bring fight to them!”
>Slinging the struggling guard pony over your shoulder you resumed your crusade against the forces of sobriety.

---

>The reports just keep coming in.
>Why the heck did you agree to supervise the night shift?
“I’m sorry ma’am, we haven’t caught him yet but were on the lookout.”
>And there’s another one.
>The human was in town.
>First it was the pre-school.
>Now the cathedral, how did he even draw a dick that big?
>All the while holding one of your men hostage.
>”Sir, we’ve spotted him!”
>Thank Celestia.
“Where is he?”
>”They said he holed himself up in the fireworks warehouse, he said he demands two barrels of wine, a clown pony, and three drums of lube.”
>Never again were you going to work the night shift.

---

>Fucking hangovers.
>Like a phoenix you rose with a pounding headache.
>And like a dragon you projectile vomited the contents of your stomach in front of you.
>Now that that was out of your system you looked around at the carnage.
>Several guard ponies lay there, their coats showing a glossy sheen.
>Probably from those empty lube canisters.
>Why the fuck was there a clown in the corner crying?
>Most importantly, where the fuck were your pants?
>Cantdealwiththis.exe
>File not found.
>God you need a drink.
>Well since you’re here you might as well go see the princess.
>Outside you saw several trashcans lit on fire.
>More unconscious ponies lay surrounding the area.
>Off in the distance you saw the royal cathedral with a giant red dick drawn on its side.
>Jesus the crime in this city was getting way out of hand.
>Hailing a cab you got in the carriage.
“To the castle jeeves!”
>”My names Bumpy Ride!”
“Did I ask for your life story? Just fucking go bud.”
>A quick ride later you were at the castle.
>The guards didn’t even stop you on the way in.
>They almost looked scared.
>Fucking security sucked brah.
>You should tell sunny butt about it.
>No wonder they fucking lost to a bunch of ladybugs before.
>Opening the big doors you yelled for effect.
“Where the bitches at?”
>”Shut your trap you vile being, you are in the presence of royalty!”
>Oh look, it’s the princess’ younger but still pretty hot sister.
“Hey insecurity, how are ya?”
>”Show some respect monkey.”
“Fuck you too then, anyway where’s Sunny D?”
>”Mine sister has departed for Manehattan earlier, she should be back within the week, but you have some...”
>Flipping her off you headed back towards the door.
>”Get back here human, where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m off to raid your wine cellar, then to manehattan, might even take a shit under your pillow. In whatever order strikes my fancy.”
>Who were you kidding, you were headed for the wine cellar first.
>You heard they had some good shit stored there.

---

>You always considered yourself lucky.
>Like when you fell off the top of the empire state building and ended up in magical horse land.
>And they had booze here.
>And bitches.
>Fucking horny pastel horses.
“So yeah the princess was like ‘bitch I will drop you 100 bits a day to keep your dick out of those trick ass mares’ and I was like ‘fuck you horse I do what I want!’ and she was like… what the fuck were we talking about again?”
>Dipping your empty cup into the opened barrel sitting in front of you, you chugged the wine down.
>Shit was good yo.
>Looking to the old mare sitting next to you, you saw she was foaming at the mouth.
>Fucking weird horses brah.
>Might as well go see what the rest of the train looked like.
>Maybe they got some good booze in that first class cabin.
>Walking through the hall you saw several ponies shut their doors, fear plastered on their faces.
>kek, plastered.
>Weak ass bitches.
>This is your house.
>Train, whatever.
>Finally you arrived at the first class car.
>Shit was nice.
>Wait is that?
>”Give me a cider barkeep.”
>Why yes it was.
“Holy shit its catbird.”
>You pointed at the barkeep.
>Wait he’s not a catbird, okay adjust aim… and there yup that’s the one.
>”And what the heck are you?”
“Shhhshhhhh I ask the questions here fuzzy buck.. briche…dammit I got nothing, pussy whiskers.. hey that’ll work.”
“Where the fuck are your whiskers anyway?”
>The gryphon slowly started backing up.
>”Okay, I’m just going to go back to my compartment now.”
“Nah fuck that, were all friends here.”

In Manehattan the very next day.
>On a busy city street a young colt was selling some papers yelling.
“Read all about it ‘Manehattan Express De-rails on its trip from Canterlot’, many passengers missing.”
“Those that were rescued kept screaming about ‘He wanted us to smell his fingers!’, read all about it!”

---

>Walking down the road towards the city gave you some time to think.
>A lot of the stuff happening around you was pretty bad.
>Moon horse was fucking with your dreams.
>That shit in Canterlot with the clown.
>And someone shit on the princess’ pillow.
>Deep down you knew what was at fault for all this.
>In your heart you knew the source.
>Fucking spike.
>That little nigger fucked all this shit up.
>Bitch better be ready for when you got back to Ponyville.
>So what led to you walking by your lonesome?
>When you woke up you found yourself in a de-railed train car.
>Fuck they just give anyone a fucking train license nowadays, fuckers are going to get someone killed.
>But the biggest question was why you were only wearing a speedo.
>Where the fuck did someone even get one of these.
>Eh fuck it.
>Magic horses and shit, better not to question it.
>Walking past the bend, the trees finally opened up and you saw it.
>Manehattan.
>What a fucking piece of shit city.
>Its good you were here though.
>You were out of booze, and its almost 9 in the morning.
>Better find a bar before you begin looking for the princess.

---

That Evening…

“Amabassador, thank you for your kind words this evening. And to our esteemed guests present, thank you for being here.”
>With a smile you left the stage.
>You came to manehattan for this banquet.
>What a pile of manure.
>Right now you should be cracking whatever dastardly plans Anon was concocting.
>But nooo, Luna had to grow a pair of ovaries and stick you with ‘Its our royal duty’.
>You should send her to the moon for a day or two to remind her who the boss is around here.
>Several guests approached to say thanks for your appearance.
>It was some charity to promote otter suicide awareness or something.
>Bucking everything had a charity nowadays.
>Bleh.
>With that thought an explosion shook the building.
>That can’t be good
>Manage Panic Mode:Activate.
“Alright my little ponies, remain calm. Stay here until we know what’s happening.”
“Don’t go near the windows and try to avoid leaving the hall for accountability reasons.”
>Yu always handled any crisis like a boss.
>You exited the hall and headed towards the doors that led outside.
>Once outside you gasped.
>Ponies were fleeing down the streets.
>Several building were on fire.
>And yup… there was an orgy happening in the middle of the street.
“My little ponies, I don’t think it’s the right time for that. You should all get to safety.”
>With a frustrated group of groans the small group disbanded.
>Now back to the problem.
>With a resilient face you stared towards the oncoming mayhem.
>The explosions were getting louder.
>Their source probably coming closer.
>Slowly a shadow started growing until it was fully cast against a building.
>The shadows owner was just around the corner.
>Whatever was causing this was big.
>Slowly you began channeling all your magic, ready to unleash it on the monstrosity causing all this devastation.
>Than the shadow shrunk back down until Anon turned the corner.
>”Snooki want snu snu!”
>What the buck is a snooki?
>You watched as he threw an empty wine bottle at a shop window.
>An explosion emanated from inside and send glass spraying all over the street.
>The store then erupted in flames.
>How?
>You saw it yourself, the bottle was empty.
>The second you turned back to look at Anon you almost jumped back.
>He was there right in front of you with a big grin on his face.
>”Hi there superflanks, do you have time to talk about the church of scientology?”
>Everything went dark after that.

---

>You really need to stop drinking tequila.
>At least you think it was tequila that you were drinking.
>Maybe it was rubbing alcohol.
>You stopped caring after a while.
>Looking down you found yourself in a strange place yet again.
“Where the fuck am I now?”
>You managed to get out with a pained groan.
>”On a train on its way back home to Ponyville.”
>Fighting the struggle to regain focus in your eye..eyes, there we go both.
“Oh hey Twilight what brings you out here?”
>”Four destroyed building, 10 stores completely burned down, and you let all the animals out of the zoo and one commuter train destoryed.”
>Fighting back the urge to vomit you glared at the lavender bitty.
“First of all, those are my brothers, and they were enslaved for ponies amusement. All I did was give them freedom.”
>”You’re so full of it.”
>The small ache in your head was beginning to grow.
>”Anyway, as of right now the mayor of manehattan has actively banned you from the city for a year. And Luna says she wants a new pillow.”
“What happened to her pillow?”
>Twiggles sent another glare your way.
>”Princess Celestia, has graciously rescinded her bet with you due to the fact the bits are going to be needed to cover the repair costs to both manehattan and Canterlot.”
>You burped, and the acidic stomach contents began making their way back up.
“So I think you learned a go….”
>You puked all over the book loving horse.
>It felt good to get that out of you.
>And look on the Brightside, there’s always Baltimare you could go and visit.

---
A little something for you all...


“I will save you my small equine friends!”
>Launching yourself through the glass window you fell towards the ground.
>Two small equines, one under each arm held firmly.
>Your only clothing, a tutu, that was way too small.
>But that sensation of a nice breeze hitting your junk felt fucking great.
>The moment your feet hit the ground you took off running.
“For Valhalla!”
>”Sir can you put us down.”
“Nonsense, robin. We have to go find the joker and the penguin before they poison the watering hole.”
>The guard on your left turned to the one currently fighting your grip o the right.
>”I don’t think he knows what he’s doing.”
>”You think? The human drank an entire barrel of wine. The fact that he’s still breathing is a miracle.”
>Your feet skid to a halt.
>And two ‘omphs’ were heard when you dropped the two guard ponies.
>Tears began making their way down your face.
>You had found it.
>A small store sat there.
>The sign above it declared in inviting letter ‘Spirits and Ale’s of Yakyakistan’.
>In the window, proudly displayed was a large bottle of vodka.
>Comrade I have found.
>Now liberate from this prison.
“For the motherland!”
>You sprinted towards the small store, the two shopkeepers cowered in fright.

A few days later….
”Spike, start a new list.”
>”For what Twilight?”
“Places Anon’s been banned from, apparently he’s no longer allowed in Mineighapolis.”
>A small snort escaped the young dragon.
>”What did he do now?”
“Not sure, but the letter said he tried marking his territory… all over the city.”
>You should probably look into some kind of help for Anon.
>His drinking was starting to get out of hoof.

---

>So the plan backfired.
>Probably due Twilights meddling in your affairs.
>Again.
>She may be a princess now and your favorite student, but seriously she was getting all up in your feathers.
>”Your highness?”
>Of course you were going call the bet off eventually, but Anon just had to go too far.
>Fortunately the bits he was going to be receiving were now going to be re-diverted to fixing everything he managed to destroy in Baltimare.
>”Your Highness, you really need to settle this dispute.”
>I mean sure it was only few thousand bits worth of damage, but to go as far as to burn down a clown school.
>”Sister, you have been sitting there for quite some time now, is everything alright?”
>Snapping out of your inner monologue you looked around.
>Oh dear, you spaced out.
>All the nobles of the court were looking at you with mixed emotions.
“I’m fine Luna, now where were we.”

---

“And that’s why this is going to be one of my best idea’s ever!”
>”Anon, I don’t know if trying to make a this ‘we ski’ stuff is such a good idea.”
“Trust me, I’m a professional. I know what I’m doing… I think.”
>So maybe you conned Apple horse to let you use one of her barns, maybe there was a chance the whole thing would blow up in your face… again.
>But this was for science, and getting drunk.
>Besides what other choice did you have.
>Fucking horses banned you from buying any booze here.
>How the hell were you supposed to celebrate.
>What were you celebrating?
>Who the fuck cares.
>Its just a good reason to get drunk.
>Alright, you did some cool shit in grade school with bunsen burners, so this shouldn’t be too hard.

---

>You are the best flyer in all the land.
>What more did you need to know.
“Okay Flitter just push those clouds a mile to the west and we should be all set for the planned showers tomorrow.”
>”Gotcha boss!”
>Off in the distance you saw a small explosion.
>Wait, wasn’t that sweet apple acres?
>Oh, well.
>You had cloud pony stuff to do anyway.

---

>God, if that bit of plywood was jammed any further up your ass right now you’d be buying it dinner.
>”You ‘kay there pardner?”
>With a cough a few pieces of wood and what looked like a traumatized mouse flew out of your mouth.
>Giving appul horse a thumbs up you managed to crawl out of the wreckage of the destroyed barn.
>Okay so making whiskey in a barn didn’t turn out to be the best idea you ever had.
“Sorry about your barn there apples.”
>”Ah don’t worry yourself about it sugarcube, Imma send the bill ta Twilight anyway.”
>Apple horse was good people.. err horse, whatever.
>But you were back to square one.
>No booze.
>You could always try drinking that rubbing alcohol.
>Too bad that shit was fucking weak.
>Dammit magic horseland, there had to be a way to get plastered without resorting to drastic measures.
>…..
>Well damn, I got nothing.
>What do you think Mr. Liver?
>…..
>I like your style, break into Twilight place and forge an official decree that let you buy all the alcohol you’d ever need.
>You know what they say Mr. Liver, great minds think alike.

---
>Be Anon’s liver.
“Please kill me!”

---

“Sir please put the dragon down.”
>”Fuck you bud, I will stop the invasion even with… wait, what was I doing?”
>It’s really sad, that there was actually a set of guidelines for dealing with this sort of situation.
>You are Lawful Order, one of the towns guards.
>And you’re currently trying to get Anon to release Spike.
“Anon, how about I help you with whatever it is your doing, but after you let Spike there go.”
>Please let this work.
>The baby dragon in question was loosely tied to Anon’s waist with a rope.
>Poor little guy looked like he gave up any hope of being freed and just hung there limply with a faraway look in his eyes.
>The things he must have seen.
>Poor kid.
>”Screw you professor oak, I already got my pokemans!”
>Whats he doing now?
>Oh thank Celestia, it looks like he’s about to let spike go.
>Wait why is he…
>”Charmander I choose You!”
>DUCK!
>With a mighty heave Anon flung Spike as hard as he could.
>A hard thund and ‘Oww’ met your ears.
>”Well shit, okay then fuck you mate! I’m going to go get me a new digimon.”
>Maybe putting in that transfer request would be a good idea.