hairyvagina.m

% matlab playing "Penguins of The Apocalypse" by FearofDark
% written by ed <tripflag at gmail>
% protected by GPLv2 and stallmans beard

% frequency(note) = f0 * a^n
% f0 = base frequency, A4=440Hz
%  n = steps from base frequency
%  a = 2^(1/12)

x  = @(quarters)          zeros(1, quarters * 0.25 * 0.25 * 44100);
freq = @(octave,steps)    440.00 * (2^(1/12)) ^ (steps + (octave*12)-36);
size = @(quarters)        (1/44100) * (1:quarters * 0.25 * 0.25 * 44100);
zise = @(quarters)        quarters * 0.25 * 0.25 * 44100;

% calculate the frequency of each note
mc  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -9) * size(quarters);
mcs = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -8) * size(quarters);
md  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -7) * size(quarters);
mds = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -6) * size(quarters);
me  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -5) * size(quarters);
mf  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -4) * size(quarters);
mfs = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -3) * size(quarters);
mg  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -2) * size(quarters);
mgs = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave, -1) * size(quarters);
ma  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave,  0) * size(quarters);
mas = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave,  1) * size(quarters);
mb  = @(octave, quarters) 2 * pi * freq(octave,  2) * size(quarters);

% generate "squarewave" notes
c  = @(o,q) sin( mc(o,q)) + sin( mc(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( mc(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( mc(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( mc(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( mc(o,q) *11)/11;
cs = @(o,q) sin(mcs(o,q)) + sin(mcs(o,q) *3)/3 + sin(mcs(o,q) *5)/5 + sin(mcs(o,q) *7)/7 + sin(mcs(o,q) *9)/9 + sin(mcs(o,q) *11)/11;
d  = @(o,q) sin( md(o,q)) + sin( md(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( md(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( md(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( md(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( md(o,q) *11)/11;
ds = @(o,q) sin(mds(o,q)) + sin(mds(o,q) *3)/3 + sin(mds(o,q) *5)/5 + sin(mds(o,q) *7)/7 + sin(mds(o,q) *9)/9 + sin(mds(o,q) *11)/11;
e  = @(o,q) sin( me(o,q)) + sin( me(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( me(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( me(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( me(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( me(o,q) *11)/11;
f  = @(o,q) sin( mf(o,q)) + sin( mf(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( mf(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( mf(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( mf(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( mf(o,q) *11)/11;
fs = @(o,q) sin(mfs(o,q)) + sin(mfs(o,q) *3)/3 + sin(mfs(o,q) *5)/5 + sin(mfs(o,q) *7)/7 + sin(mfs(o,q) *9)/9 + sin(mfs(o,q) *11)/11;
g  = @(o,q) sin( mg(o,q)) + sin( mg(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( mg(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( mg(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( mg(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( mg(o,q) *11)/11;
gs = @(o,q) sin(mgs(o,q)) + sin(mgs(o,q) *3)/3 + sin(mgs(o,q) *5)/5 + sin(mgs(o,q) *7)/7 + sin(mgs(o,q) *9)/9 + sin(mgs(o,q) *11)/11;
a  = @(o,q) sin( ma(o,q)) + sin( ma(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( ma(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( ma(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( ma(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( ma(o,q) *11)/11;
as = @(o,q) sin(mas(o,q)) + sin(mas(o,q) *3)/3 + sin(mas(o,q) *5)/5 + sin(mas(o,q) *7)/7 + sin(mas(o,q) *9)/9 + sin(mas(o,q) *11)/11;
b  = @(o,q) sin( mb(o,q)) + sin( mb(o,q) *3)/3 + sin( mb(o,q) *5)/5 + sin( mb(o,q) *7)/7 + sin( mb(o,q) *9)/9 + sin( mb(o,q) *11)/11;

% generate clean sinewave notes
oc  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( mc(octave, quarters));
ocs = @(octave, quarters)  sin(mcs(octave, quarters));
od  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( md(octave, quarters));
ods = @(octave, quarters)  sin(mds(octave, quarters));
oe  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( me(octave, quarters));
of  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( mf(octave, quarters));
ofs = @(octave, quarters)  sin(mfs(octave, quarters));
og  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( mg(octave, quarters));
ogs = @(octave, quarters)  sin(mgs(octave, quarters));
oa  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( ma(octave, quarters));
oas = @(octave, quarters)  sin(mas(octave, quarters));
ob  = @(octave, quarters)  sin( mb(octave, quarters));

% generate sawtooth notes holy shit why am I doing this

% ret = zeros(1, size(quarters)) prepares empty array of correct size
% per = 1/freq(octave,steps) results in samples per period
% ret(a) = 1 - 2(mod(a,per)/per);   <- sawtooth

% ...just need to figure out how to implement this [spoiler];_;[/spoiler]
% NEVERMIND HERE WE GO LOL

sc  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-9), zise(quarters));
scs = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-8), zise(quarters));
sd  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-7), zise(quarters));
sds = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-6), zise(quarters));
se  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-5), zise(quarters));
sf  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-4), zise(quarters));
sfs = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-3), zise(quarters));
sg  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-2), zise(quarters));
sgs = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave,-1), zise(quarters));
sa  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave, 0), zise(quarters));
sas = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave, 1), zise(quarters));
sb  = @(octave, quarters)  saw( 1/freq(octave, 2), zise(quarters));

% Drums up this shit
rand('state', sum(100 * clock));    % seed that shit

% KICK
kick = randn(1, 5512);              % gaussian noise
kick = kick / max(abs(kick));       % normalize <-1 .. +1>
global A;
A = 1;
while A < 5512
    kick(A) = kick(A) * ((5512-A) / 5512);
    A = A + 1;
end

% CRASH
white = randn(1, 5512);
white = white / max(abs(white));
crash = zeros(1, 5512);
RANGE = 128;
A = 1;
MAX = 0;
while A < 5512-RANGE
    RANGE = 0.0232*A;
    AVG = 0;
    B = 1;
    while B < RANGE;
        AVG = AVG + white(A+B);
        B = B + 1;
    end
    crash(A) = (AVG/RANGE) * ((5512-A)/1000);
    MAX = max(MAX, crash(A));
    A = A + 1;
end
A = 1;
while A < 5512-RANGE
    crash(A) = crash(A) * (4-MAX);
    A = A + 1;
end

% DERP
derp = zeros(1, 5512);
RANGE = 128;
A = 1;
MAX = 0;
while A < 5512-RANGE
    AVG = 0;
    B = 1;
    while B < RANGE;
        AVG = AVG + white(A+B);
        B = B + 1;
    end
    derp(A) = (AVG/RANGE) * ((5512-A)/5512);
    MAX = max(MAX, derp(A));
    A = A + 1;
end
A = 1;
while A < 5512-RANGE
    derp(A) = derp(A) * (30-MAX);
    A = A + 1;
end

% a scale, for testan purposes
scale1 = [  c(0,4), x(1),  d(0,4), x(1),  e(0,4), x(1),  f(0,4), x(1),  g(0,4), x(1),  a(0,4), x(1),  b(0,4), x(1),  c(1,8) ];
scale2 = [  c(1,4), x(1),  d(1,4), x(1),  e(1,4), x(1),  f(1,4), x(1),  g(1,4), x(1),  a(1,4), x(1),  b(1,4), x(1),  c(2,8) ];
scale3 = [ sc(2,4), x(1), sd(2,4), x(1), se(2,4), x(1), sf(2,4), x(1), sg(2,4), x(1), sa(2,4), x(1), sb(2,4), x(1), sc(3,8) ];
scale4 = [  c(3,4), x(1),  d(3,4), x(1),  e(3,4), x(1),  f(3,4), x(1),  g(3,4), x(1),  a(3,4), x(1),  b(3,4), x(1),  c(4,8) ];
%scale  = [ scale1 * 0.2 + scale2 * 0.2 + scale3 * 0.2 + scale4 * 0.2 ];

% the lead
L1 = [ x(4), cs(4,1), ds(4,3), cs(4,4), as(3,4), cs(4,4), as(3,2), x(2), gs(3,2), fs(3,2), x(2), gs(3,6) ]; %36
L2 = [ as(3,2), x(2), gs(3,2), fs(3,2), ds(3,2), gs(3,6), as(3,4), gs(3,2), fs(3,2), ds(3,2), cs(3,2) ];    %28
L3 = [ as(3,2), x(2), gs(3,2), fs(3,2), ds(3,2), gs(3,18) ];                                                %28
L4 = [ as(3,2), x(2), gs(3,2), fs(3,2), ds(3,2), cs(3,4), fs(3,2), x(2), fs(3,2), x(4), f(3,4) fs(3,4) ];   %32+4
% 36 + 28 + 36 + 28 + 36 + 28 + 36 + 28 = 256... +4 = 260

% the bass
B1 = [ sgs(1,4), sgs(1,1), x(1), sgs(2,4), sgs(1,1), x(1), sfs(1,6), x(2), sfs(2,2), x(2), sfs(1,4), sfs(2,2), sfs(1,2) ];         %32
B2 = [ sb(0,4), sb(0,1), x(1), sb(1,4), sb(0,1), x(1), sds(1,6), x(2), sds(2,2), x(2), sds(1,4), sds(2,1), x(1), sds(1,1), x(1) ]; %32
B3 = [ sgs(1,3), x(1), sgs(1,1), x(1), sgs(2,4), sgs(1,1), x(1), sfs(1,6), x(2), sfs(2,2), x(2), sfs(1,4), sfs(2,2), sfs(1,2) ];   %32
B4 = [ sds(1,4), sds(2,1) x(1), sds(1,4), sds(2,1), x(1), scs(2,6), x(2), scs(3,2), x(2), sds(3,2), scs(3,2), sgs(2,2), scs(2,2) ]; %32+4

% preparations for...
v0 =  0.0;
v1 =  1.0/15.0;
v2 =  2.0/15.0;
v3 =  3.0/15.0;
v4 =  4.0/15.0;
v5 =  5.0/15.0;
v6 =  6.0/15.0;
v7 =  7.0/15.0;
v8 =  8.0/15.0;
v9 =  9.0/15.0;
vA = 10.0/15.0;
vB = 11.0/15.0;
vC = 12.0/15.0;
vD = 13.0/15.0;
vE = 14.0/15.0;
vF = 15.0/15.0;

% arpeggiated awesomeness
A1 = [ ogs(2,2)*vA,              oas(2,1)*vC, ogs(2,1)*v5,  ob(2,1)*vC, oas(2,1)*v5, ocs(3,1)*v8,  ob(2,1)*v5, ...
       ofs(3,1)*v8, ocs(3,1)*v5, oas(3,1)*v6, ofs(3,1)*v3, ocs(4,1)*v6, oas(3,1)*v3, ofs(3,1)*v6, ocs(4,1)*v3 ];
A2 = [ ogs(4,1)*v6, ofs(4,1)*v3, oas(4,1)*v8, ogs(4,1)*v5, ocs(5,1)*v8, oas(4,1)*v5, ods(5,1)*v8, ocs(5,1)*v5, ...
       ofs(5,1)*v8, ods(5,1)*v5, oas(5,1)*v6, ofs(5,1)*v3,  ob(5,1)*v6, oas(5,1)*v3, ocs(6,1)*v6,  ob(5,1)*v3 ];
A3 = [ ofs(6,1)*v8, ocs(6,1)*v5, ocs(6,1)*v8, ofs(6,1)*v5,  ob(5,1)*v8, ocs(6,1)*v5, oas(5,1)*v8,  ob(5,1)*v5, ...
       ofs(5,1)*v6, oas(5,1)*v3, ods(5,1)*v6, ofs(5,1)*v3, ocs(5,1)*v6, ods(5,1)*v3, oas(4,1)*v8, ocs(5,1)*v5 ];
A4 = [ ofs(4,1)*v8, oas(4,1)*v5, ods(4,1)*v8, ofs(4,1)*v5, ocs(4,1)*v8, ods(4,1)*v5,  ob(3,1)*v8, ocs(4,1)*v6, ...
       oas(3,1)*v6,  ob(3,1)*v3, ofs(3,1)*v6, oas(3,1)*v3, ods(3,1)*v6, ofs(3,1)*v3, ocs(3,1)*v6, ods(3,1)*v3 ];

% ITT: it's mergan tiem
lead = [ L1, L2, L1, L3, L1, L2, L1, L4 ];
bass = [ B1, B2, B3, B4, B1, B2, B3, B4, sfs(1,4), zeros(1, 3) ];
arps = [ A1, A2, A3, A4, A1, A2, A3, A4 ];
arps = [ arps, arps, ogs(2,2)*v1, zeros(1,5544) ];
% >three samples difference
% >doesn't compile
% >add three dummy samples
% >everything's fine
% MEETHLEEEEEEB

%wavwrite(lead*0.33,44100,'penguin1.wav');
%wavwrite(bass*0.33,44100,'penguin2.wav');

%drums = [ crash, x(1), kick, x(1), kick, kick, kick, ];
drums = [ derp, kick*0.4, kick*1.2, kick*0.4, crash, kick*0.4, kick*1.2, kick*0.4 ];
drums = [ drums, drums, drums, drums ];
drums = [ drums, drums, drums, drums, crash, zeros(1,5544) ];
song = bass * 0.2 + lead * 0.2 + drums * 0.4 + arps * 0.3;
%wavwrite(bass, 44100, 'a1.wav');
%wavwrite(lead, 44100, 'a2.wav');
%song = bass * 0.33;
wavwrite(bass, 44100, '1.wav');
wavwrite(lead, 44100, '2.wav');
wavwrite(arps, 44100, '3.wav');
wavwrite(drums, 44100, '4.wav');
wavwrite(song, 44100, 'matlabs-of-the-derpocalypse.wav');
%song = scale;
sound(song, 44100);