Uncouth - Part 4

>Day 718 in Equestria.
>Bleh. Bleeeeehhhh.
>Mornings.
>Whatever.
>You let out a long sigh of displeasure before pushing yourself off your bed.
>First, you look outside.
>More snow. Great.
>You want to let out another sigh, but you’ve been doing that a little too much lately. Time to actually get off your lazy ass and do something.
>You slip on your pants, boots, shirt, thicker long sleeved shirt, and a jacket. It looks like a cold one today.
>For breakfast, you drop a couple slices of bread in a toaster. Soon after, you have to toast.
>You quickly munch down on the first one and stick the second one in your mouth before exiting your home, but you don’t run because you’re not a teenage anime character who’s late for school.
>You hear a quiet shuffling before your and reaches the knob of your front door.
>Then you hear a quiet mumbling.
>Oh boy, you wonder who it could be…
>You walk over to the window furthest form the door.
>Spreading the curtain just an inch, you notice all the snow gone from your front yard. Nice.
>You look to where you heard to mumbling from. You can’t quite get a good look, but the end of that Rainbow tail is all you need to see.
>Great. You’d better get this over with.

>You open the door.
>”Shoot!” You hear Dash say under her breath.  She stumbles a little bit before looking completely casual.
>You take the toast out of your mouth.
“… Morning, Dash.”
>”Hey.” She replies very nonchalantly.
>She initiates the most chilltacular stare down you’ve ever encountered.
>Too bad you’re not going to deal with this. You’re running late.
“Can I help you with something?”
>”Huh? Oh, nah. I’m just dropping off today’s weather sched’.” She pulls a slip of paper from nowhere and hold it in her hoof in front of you.
>You snatch it out and give it a quick glance.
>Clear skies today. Awesome.
>Wait, fuck. No, not awesome. You have to paint again today.
>You crumple it up and stuff it in your pocket.
“Didn’t the mailmare deliver it this morning?”
>”Meh…”
>You don’t like this. Dash is just pretending nothing has happened over the past few days. Well if she insists on staying, you’re-
>”’Kay, I actually have a job to get to, so I gotta go.”
>Oh… You… Huh.
>She begins to hover before giving you a lazy wave.
>”Bye!”
>She gently flitters off without another word.
>…
>What was that? Is Dash pretending nothing happened? That’s pretty stupid and a little disturbing. You made it clear that you understand that she’s going through THAT cycle.
>In fact, her cycle turning on and off like a switch is unusual. Impossible, even. You can’t just be all estrusy and suddenly stop when you want to.
>Hold on… Something isn’t adding up…
>You’re not sure exactly what’s up, but you’re going to Twilight’s when you get the chance.

>You are Rainbow Dash.
>And that was PERFECT. He was totally fooled into thinking nothing happened over the past few days. Shoot, even pretending he was just a normal pony made it all work better.
>Maybe in a few days you can be all friendly to him again, and you guys can read books and hang out at the park and pull HILARIOUS pranks on other ponies!
>Yep! Fool proof.
>And maybe a few days before your ACTUAL estrus hits, you can tell him about the deal you have with Thunderlane and share the loot with him, fifty-fifty.
>How can he say no? Money and sex. Perfect combo for any stallion.
>Yes! You love how amazing your plan is! Actually, you can probably pull it off a second time!
>You immediately change direction towards the center of Ponyville. One of the mailmares are probably finishing up there.
>Aha! There one! You can-… Awwwwuh! It’s that derpy looking one. She’s always frustrating to deal with.
>Well, here goes nothing…
>You divebomb down to where the cock-eyed pony is dropping off letters.
>Using a giant pile of snow as cushion, there’s no need to slow down.
>You hop out of the pile and shake yourself off before turning to the mare staring at you… you think.
>”Hey, Rainbow Dash!”
“Heeeeey, Derpy.”
>”Um… I told you it’s Ditzy-“
“Yeah, hey do you have any more weather reports?”
>”Yeah, of course… But, you should know it’s going to be clear all day, right? You’re a weather pony after all.”
“I know but I need it for… Reasons!”
>”… Reasons?”
>Ugh.

“Yeah! So could I get one?”
>”Sure, I guess!”
>She reaches into her saddlebag full of letters and pulls out a little slip of paper with today’s weather sechedule.
>You snatch it out of her mouth.
“Thanks!”
>She begins to say something but you’re in too much of a hurry to listen. Anon must be close to Rarity’s by now…

>You are Anon, and you should have worn more layers today. It is WAY too cold.
>The only saving grace is that the dirt roads are mostly cleared. The padded down snow makes the ground a little slippery but it’s nothing you haven’t dealt with before. You’ll live.
>The way to Carousel Boutique is quiet as usual. Rainbow Dash has finally buggered off for now.
>You grumble to yourself at the thought of Rainbow Dash. You were hard on her yesterday. If your suspicions are incorrect, and you really hope they are, then you and Dash have a lot of bro-time to make up for.
>Unfortunately that’s going to have to wait. You have a marshmallow mare just shuddering at the thought of ordering you around all day.
>You continue your walk in near mental silence until you see the Boutique.
>And Rainbow Dash waiting for you at the front door.
>So this is going to be your day, huh? Great.

>Rainbow Dash takes her sweet time doing whatever it is she’s doing. Which is nothing.
>She pretends to not notice you as you approach.
>Then she begins to fold up the small piece of paper in her hooves. Another weather report. How ingenious.
>She then turns to you with a bored look on her face.
>”Oh, hey. You stalkin’ me or something? Ha, just kidding.” She places the paper in her hoof and extends it to you.
>”Could you give this-“
>You snatch the paper out of her hoof and walk by her like she isn’t there.
>She jumps a little in surprise.
>You open the door to Rarity’s Boutique and look to Rainbow Dash before entering.
“Try something else. Whatever this is, it isn’t working.”
>She has no time to retort as you close the door in her face.
>The lack of ringing bell tells you that you’re early.
>Neat, you could have slept for a little longer. Or just showered…
>”Anonymous, is that you?” Rarity’s voice calls out from her kitchen.
“Yep, just boring ol’ me!”
>She hesitates for a moment.
>”… You’re a little early!”
“I figured. I hope it isn’t a problem.”
>”Well, no… But-But… Just don’t come in!”
>What’s she so nervous about?
>Your curiosity gets the better of you.
“What, you cooking me a surprise breakfast with extra hugs and kisses?”
>You enter the kitchen to see Rarity sitting at the table, enjoying a cup of tea. Obviously you came in earlier than she expected, she’s still wearing that green goop stuff on her face and a pink robe.
“… There isn’t a spider on the wall somewhere, is there? Spiders are fucking scary.”
>”What?! No, there isn’t…” She goes from panic to disappointment. “What have I said about language?”
>You lightly slap yourself on the forehead.
“Right, right, right. Forgot. My bad.”

“So what’s the problem then?”
>She scrunches her snout and gestures to her entire face.
“So?”
>”Anonymous! I’m all icky! I can’t have anyp0ny see me like this… Unless it’s another pony having facials with me. Oooh~ it’s been too long since Twilight and I have gotten together for a makeover! Perhaps in the next few days…”
>Wow. What a tangent. Rarity keeps going on and on about her recent lack of a social life in the most upbeat manner possible.
>”… Then perhaps next week Appleja-… I’m sorry, I got a little sidetracked.”
“Yeah, you did.”
>She titters lightly.
>”I suppose it’s time I finished preparing myself for the day ahead!” She slides off her chair. “Feel free to pour yourself a cup of tea if you’d like.”
>She trots by you while humming a cheery tune. It’s like you didn’t walk in on her totally goopy-faced.
>Rarity is just a total weirdo when it comes to emotion. Actually, everything.
>Thankfully, she can’t read minds.
>The thoughts of a warm cup of tea in the morning sounds great. You’re not sure if it compliments toast very well, but you honestly don’t give a shit.
>You pour yourself a cup of tea and lean back against the counter.
>Today is going to be a great day, you can feel it.
>You take a sip of tea.
>Wow, it is incredibly bland. How did you forget to put sugar in? Today is going to be terrible, you know it.
>Yeah, painting pretty much sucks. Life gave you lemons and you don’t know how to make good lemonade.
>Unless you had sugar in your lemonade.
>Or… tea.
>…
>... Yeah.

>You set the tea down on the counter and pull the crumpled note out of your pocket.
>There’s nothing different about it, in fact you have no idea why you’re looking it over.
>You rule that it’s most likely your very loose grasp on the current situation. Rainbow Dash all over your human junk? Spending all this time with Rarity? As a wise human philosopher once said; ‘This shit is wack.’
>And what’s the deal with you and Rarity, anyway? You’ll never admit it, but you’re enjoying the time you spend with Rarity. More than Rainbow Dash? Hard to say. You get two different types of enjoyment out of the two. Rainbow Dash is a bro. She’s like… a bro! In a world of few sissy stallions, Rainbow Dash is a shining light. A beacon of fun.
>Rarity though, you can’t imagine pulling wicked pranks with her at your side. Races in the afternoon. Wrestling matches near the end of the day. Nah, not Rarity’s style. Rarity is just… fun! She’s fun to talk to, to be around, despite her stuffiness, she’s fun! Her personality contradicts yours and it makes talking to her a challenge. Not ‘difficult and annoying’, but something you get invested in. Something that makes you want to dig deeper into it. Does this sound weird? It does.
>The sounds of hooves trotting down the stairs breaks you from your thoughts.
>Rarity emerges from the next room with a bright smile on her face.
“Hey Rarity, did you get this morning’s weather report?”
>”Of course! Clear skies today, how refreshing!”
“Yeah, thought so.”
>You crumple Dash’s weather report and stuff it back in your pocket.

>You clap your hands together and approach Rarity.
“So, more painting today?”
>”Actually, I’ve found a much better use for you!”
“Oh?”
>She nods enthusiastically.
>”I was thinking to myself last night, ‘What’s a better use for Anonymous’ a-“
“You were thinking about me last night?”
>She sighs.
>”Must you always pick apart what I say and use it out of context?”
“Yeah, I do that a lot.”
>”Well, if you don’t knock it off, I shall reintroduce the newspaper!”
“Psh, it’s not like it hurts or anyth-GYEUUuugh!”
>FUCK! She floated the things right over your head from behind.
>And now she’s snickering like a little foal!
>Total… jerk!
“Fine, I’ll work on it… I guess. Whatever.”
>”Good!” She sets the paper down on a nearby counter. “I hope I never have to use the news to intimidate anyp0ny ever again.”
“I wasn’t intimidated!”
>She gives you a funny look.
“I wasn’t!”
>The look continues.
“Stop that!”
>She breaks out in a giggle fit.
>”Now what was I saying? Ah, yes! So I was thinking to myself, ‘What’s a better use for Anonymous’ aid?’ Then I remembered those nimble fingers of yours.”
>She pauses a for a moment, expecting you to say something.
“… Go on.”
>Under her breath she says, “He’s learning faster than I expected…”
“What?”
>”Nothing! Now, I think you’d work better in my workshop! Magic can only be so precise and it’s awfully tiring! I think you could be of great help when it comes to the more delicate parts!”
>Heh. Delicate parts.

“But Rarity!” You lay the sarcasm on thick. “I don’t know if I can handle all those orders you have!”
>She shoots you an annoyed glare.
>”Would you prefer to paint all day?”
>…
“No thank you.”
>”Excellent! I’ll hire a professional to finish the job within the next few days! And I believe it’s time to open.” She gives you a cheery smile, “Are you ready for the day ahead, Anonymous?”
>No.
“Yes.”


>Today’s work schedule: nothing.
>You and Rarity have been doing absolutely nothing for the past few hours.
>Okay, well, not Rarity. She has been entertaining herself somehow.
>She keeps finding small things to do. Removing seemingly invisible cobwebs, reorganizing scraps and bolts of cloth, hell, she’s having a blast doing whatever she’s doing in the front room. All you hear is the jaunty tune she hums while you sit in the workshop doing nothing.
>Except flicking the sewing machine. That’s what you’re do-
>Your ear gives an involuntary twitch as you hear the front door open and the bell above it ring.
>Rarity’s voice sounds off first.
>”Welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where everything sheek, unique and ma-…” She pauses for a moment. “… Magnifique.”
>”Heeeeey, baby.”
>You can Rarity somehow let out simultaneous sighs of annoyance despite being in separate rooms.
>Fucking Thunderlane.
>”Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”
>”Hehe, ye-“
>”Something related to clothing?”
>”Oh, no way, babe. I’m here to tell you about how you’re going to-“
>”I’m going to stop you right there. If you think that will work on ANYP0NY, you’re much more socially inept than I previously thought. I suggest you leave and think of a better line to come in with before talking to me again.”
>Thunderlane goes quiet for a second before saying,
>”Oh, I’ll ‘come’ in al-“
>”Get out.”
>You let out a near silent chuckle at that. That douchebag is a fuckin’ moron and hearing him getting stonewalled is hilarious. Hell, at this point you probably have a better chance with Rarity than he does.

>You hear Thunderlane mumble a few departing words before exiting the Boutique.
>Rarity lets out a groan before entering the workshop.
>”Can you believe him? I have no idea why stallions can think that they can talk like that to lady.”
“At least he was being honest!”
>Rarity rolls her eyes before cracking a small smile.
“And you should be flattered! I don’t see any stallions mackin’ on Rainbow Dash like that.”
>Rarity turns her head attempting, and failing to hide a blush.
>”That may be, but coming from one so crude, I simply cannot return the feelings.”
“Eh, some guy will eventually sweep you off your feet, er, hooves someday.”
>You lean back in your chair and stare at the ceiling.
“Is it almost lunch time? I’m starving.”
>Rarity doesn’t give you a response.
“Rarity?”
>You look down at her. She seems to be lost in though.
>Then her eyes stare into yours.
>”Anonymous, what are the mares like where you come from?”
>What? That question came from nowhere.
“Well, equines haven’t achieved sentience like your kind has. They just eat, sleep, breed, and get ridden.”
>”What? Er, no. That’s not what I meant…”
“Then what are you talking about?”
>”I mean male and female. Him, her, boy, girl.”
“Oh, OH! Men and women. That’s what they’re called on Earth.”
>”Right, right. Women, what are they like?”

“That’s… a really weird question to ask, Rarity.”
>”Tsk, I know… But I really am curious.”
“Well, they’re a lot like you ponies. Ponies are a little bit more innocent and fun-loving, but not by a lot. Really, I might still be on Earth and hallucinating that everyone is a pony. It’s certainly less farfetched then teleporting to an alternate dimension.”
>Rarity titters lightly and walks over to you.
>”I can assure you, I am no human and you’re not hallucinating.”
>You blow a small raspberry.
“Yeah, I thought so.”
>Rarity adopts a concerned look and puts a hoof over her mouth.
>”Oh my, I didn’t mean to bring up… I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking about-“
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I moved on a while ago.”
>”Are you sure? It wasn’t proper for me to say something about.”
“Rarity. You’re fine. Chill.”
>”Well, at least allow me to make it up to you. You said you were hungry, am I right? I could make you a delicious-“
“Actually, I had plans for lunch. Do you mind if I go now?”
>A pained expression spreads across Rarity’s face.
>”Er… No! Not at all! I wouldn’t like to impose, but…” Rarity stops herself and sighs. “Nevermind, you may leave for now.”
>You snap and give her the double-pistol fingers as you stand up.
“Sweet, see you in about an hour, Rarity.”
>”If you want, you could just go home for the day… It’s awfully slow here and I don’t believe I’ll need your help.”

>You give her a shooty look.
“You sure? I’m sure there are plenty of things that need to be done around here.”
>”Of course! I can take care of my own Boutique, Anonymous!” She puffs her chest out proudly.
“And the painting?”
>”As I said, I’d rather hire a professional.”
>Christ, are you seriously trying to goad yourself back into working? Who are you and what happened to the real Anonymous?
“… I don’t like it, but you’re the boss. I’ll be back in tomorrow morning, I guess.”
>She gives you a confident smile and a quick nod.
>That’s it, you guess.
“I’ll see you later then, Rarity.”
>You slowly walk out of the workshop.
>Rarity trots along behind you.
>You get to the front room, hoping to see a customer so you could find an excuse to actually do some work.
>Nothing. Shit.
>You pull your coat off the rack and slip it on.
>”I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Anonymous!”
“Yep! Bye!”
>With the gentle ring of the bell, you open the front door and exit into the cold outdoors.

>You are Rarity.
>And you cannot believe you just let Anonymous go like that!
>You scoff at your own incredibly stupid decision. NOW what are you supposed to do? Talk to yourself?
>It’s not like you’ve been doing that for the past year… Sigh.
>Oh, how did it all end up like this?
>You magically pull your oh-so wonderful Chaise Longue from the other room.
>You don’t dramatically leap on it and cry. Not this time. You spent far too much time on your makeup for that. You just slowly crawl on it and lay on your back. It will ruin your hair, but you can easily fix it later. No need to throw such a fit over something so small and easily rectified.
>And, you’ve burnt yourself out on overdramatic tendencies. Yes, you’ll put on a show for those who do stop by, but that’s too uncommon nowadays.
>What was that question you asked yourself? How this all happened. Yes… How long has it been since the Elements of Harmony have been called upon? Over two years now? Yes, only a few months before Anonymous’ arrival to Equestria.
>His arrival brought the six of us together again, of course. But when it was deemed that he wasn’t a threat, Twilight took him to the Princesses and the rest of dispersed and went on with our daily lives.
>Over two weeks later, Anonymous returned and everyp0ny wanted to meet him. Be with him. They were curious, as were you.
>You didn’t think much of him at the time. A little too crude and brash for your liking.
>But Rainbow Dash, oh my, those two became the best of friends almost instantly. It was awfully cute.

>However, Rainbow Dash started spending less and less time with her other friends. Even Fluttershy!
>She’d be seen with her Pegasi friends during work, but she’d always rush off to find Anonymous once her shift ended.
>You can tell that had affected Fluttershy quite a lot. She soon stopped showing up to Spa dates, and when you went to her cottage, she’d either not answer the door or say something about being busy.
>Pinkie Pie was always present in the past two year. After all, she’s a very close friend!
>… But she claims she is friends with everyp0ny in Ponyville! She finds time for you every so often, but not nearly often enough.
>You tried spending time with Applejack, but she’s impossible at some times! She’s your exact opposite! You could only stand that for so long.
>And Twilight… Well, she’s most likely in the same situation as you. She spends most of her time still trying to find out how Anonymous came to Equestria. She’d pull herself out of work if anyp0ny ever came by, but she left her house less and less after that.
>You can’t forget the biggest culprit; yourself. Business picked up heavily last year. Best year of sales since you opened your Boutique! This year… Was the worst, besides the first.

>You let out a small, fake whimper as you flip over on the Longue.
>In the past few days Anonymous has been working for you, you’ve remembered how wonderful it is to just talk to somep0ny!
>So what do you do? You tell him to leave for the rest of the day, leaving you alone with little to no work to do.
>You mentally slap yourself.
>What is wrong with you? Why did you submit yourself to loneliness once more?
>…
>You know what you need? Something that has been chasing you for half your life and you’ve been rejecting it to pursue your own dreams and aspirations. Something that came in the door not only ten minutes ago, and you sent it back into the snow!
>Yes, you know what you need. A Celestia damned special somep0ny.
>That stallion whose name escapes you seems to be a very willing candidate. Maybe if he learned how to act with some semblance of tact and got a haircut that didn’t go out of style 20 years ago, you’d consider it.
>No other stallion comes to mind at the moment. Time Turner? He’s with the mail mare. Caramel? You’re sure he’s a colt cuddler. Big Macintosh? You have this odd feeling that he and Caramel are a thing.
>Hmph! You used to know everyp0ny in this town! Now you can hardly remember any stallions who aren’t in a committed relationship! This is who you are now? Wonderful, Rarity. Just wonderful.
>You think you may just have to bite down on a hoof and bluntly ask Anonymous about the state of the single stallions in Ponyville. He’d absolutely kn-
>…
>Anonymous.
>Is he… Would he…
>No. Rarity, stop being crazy. The two of you couldn’t be compatible! Different species!
>…
>So why isn’t that species barrier getting these thoughts out of your head?!

>You are Anonymous, and you almost made a HUGE mistake.
>You walked into Sugarcube corner thinking you could easily buy a cupcake for lunch before going to Twilight’s house.
>But how did you forget about Pinkie Pie?!
>If she wasn’t stuck in a wheelchair, you’d be dead for sure.
>So you made it out of there alive, but still hungry. Now you’re knock at the Library door, hoping Twilight is home.
>The door cracks open.
>Of course it does, Twilight is always home.
>Once the door opens all the way, a very annoyed looking Twilight  stares back at you.
>Wait, did something happ—Ooooooohhhh. The prank. Right…
“Er… Afternoon, Twi…”
>”What do you want? I’m busy.”
“First off…” Okay, you can totally fix this. “I wanted to apologize about the other night. Pranks can be fun and all, but Dash and I got out of hand that night.”
>Her ears perk up at this, but she still wears a scowl.
“And I’m here to check out a few books.”
>And there’s the smile.
>”You’ve never checked out any books before! I’m so excited!” She jumps up and wiggles her legs while airborne.
>”Ooh, ooh! Are you interested in Pony history? What about some fiction? Adventure? Sci-Fi? Fantasy?! We’ll find out, come in!”
>She magically grabs you by the coat and yanks you inside.
>You normally don’t like getting pulled around like a ragdoll, but the warm interior of the tree makes it all better. Nothing to be mad about here.

>Twilight starts excitedly pulling out books she likes.
>”This one was great, and this one explains the consequences and impossibilities of time travel! This one is okay, but I think you’d like it.”
“Twilight.”
>”You’re right, you probably won’t like this one. But I KNOW you’d LOVE this one!”
“Twilight!”
>She stops pulling books and turns to you with a childish grin on her face.
>”Yes, Anon?”
“I’m just here to look at some biology books.”
>”Hmmm…” She rubs her chin with a hoof. “Pony biology?”
“Yeah, books relating to… to… ahem,” Wow, this suddenly became embarrassing. “… Estrus.”
>Twilight gives you a blank stare for a few seconds.
>”Something like… Defending yourself during the cycle?”
“Er… Yeah, something like that…”
>She quietly pulls two small books off the shelf and sets them down on a table in front of you.
>”Do you need anything else.”
“No, not really… I, uh…” Come on, stop being a pussy. “I also need things like… Behavior and… more detailed stuff…”
>Twilight’s eyes widen.
>”… Are you and Rainbow Dash finally together now?!”
“What?! No!”
>”You are! I KNEW you and her would eventually start dating! You two are just perfect for each other!”
“No! Rainbow Dash and I are NOT dating! I only need these books so I’m more prepared and know what to expect during the estrus cycle, which is coming up soon, if you haven’t forgotten!”

>Twilight stops being a cute ball of excitement and lightly blushes in embarrassment.
>”Sorry… I did get a little carried away. Hehehe…”
“Don’t worry about it. So do you have anything?”
>”Of course!” She starts pulling dozens of books off the shelves and stacks them into three separate piles. Two of them being small, and the third being huge.
>”Okay, so these two piles,” She gestures to the smaller ones. “Are informative books about the Estrus cycle. The one on the left is about general mare biology, and the pile on the right focuses completely on the cycle itself.”
“… And the third?”
>Twilight gulps and begins sweating.
>”These are… Erotic novels written about the cycle… From a mare’s perspective…”
>…
“Twilight, you have a lot of these.”
>”I know.”
“Should I read these?”
>”Only if you think it will help.”
>Her tone is very flat.
“… Are they clean?”
>”I’m just going to put these back of the shelf.”
“Yeah, you do that.”
>You scoop the books up in your arms. They’re smaller than books made by humans, but there’s eough of them to be an annoyance.
“So should I fill out a form or make a deposit… ?”
>”No, silly! This library is free!”
>That doesn’t make much sense to you, but you shrug it off and turn towards the door.
“I’ll make sure to bring these back soon. Give me three, maybe four days.”
>”Okay, Anon!”
>You open the door to see Spike standing at your ankles with a sack of food supplies slung over his shoulder.
>”Just make sure you’re careful during the estrus!” She says loudly.
>And Spikes just faints on the spot.
“… I’m just going to go…”
>Spike groans as you step over him.
>You don’t care, you’re just dreading the amount of reading ahead of you.