Lovely Brew

>Pebbles scattered as you climbed the cracked cobblestone stairs of the ancient house on the hill
>Wind howled through the colorful fall leaves as you approached the doorway, and it opened with a creak
>The arachnid woman before you was illuminated by candlelight and wore a dark silk dress complete with iconic witch hat
>”I’m assuming you want something if you came here so late at night?”
>You hesitantly explained what you wanted, and she lit up with recognition
>”Oh, a love potion? I can do that! Easy, easy, easy! As long as you have the money I can fix your problem.”
>Turning back to show you the red hourglass abdomen of a black widow, she gestured with a couple of her arms
>”Please, I don’t bite. Take a seat while I whip something up.”
>Brushing past numerous cobwebs, you took a seat on the antique furniture decorated in lacy silk in spiderweb patterns
>”Now, I should tell you this ‘love potion’ will make you irresistible to just about anyone for a while after you drink it… so you know, don’t give it to the person you love.”
>Fiddling with several shelves at once using her long dark limbs, she muttered to herself
>”Garlic fermented in newt tails… breezebulbs… and…”
>You noticed her deposit many small and rather offensive smelling ingredients in a heavy iron cauldron over the fireplace, taking pauses to scrutinize the nearly identical bottles
>”There was another thing… um, skunkweed? I thinks so… a dash of wartwood, or was it beetle musk?”
>Soon the cauldron was filled with a swirling concoction of green, brown, and yellow that frothed and boiled
>With a flourish of her hands, she scooped up a little heart shaped bottle, and filled it with the rather unappealing mixture
>”Ta dah! I may have substituted a few ingredients, but that should do the trick!”
>Her forced smile falls into a more nervous expression as you looked skeptically at the vial
>”Come on now, it’s not easy paying the bills as a witch and borderline hermit. Don’t skimp out on a deal.”
>Eyeing the bottle she knew was far from the bright pink it should be, she gulped audibly
>”Fine, I’ll sample it and show you it works. Won’t be able to resist me if you wanted to anyway…”
>She tipped the thick tincture in her mouth with a noticeable grimace, trying not to gag
>She put it down with an uneasy grin
>“Ah, delicious!”
>A pair of hands on her hips and a couple in the air she twirled towards you
>”See, I’m magically irresistible! And you will be too af-”
>Her sales pitch was interrupted by an angry gurgling, bubbling with a fury that eclipsed the cauldron behind her
>She stopped to look around the room, and you couldn’t help but notice her round bouncing abdomen was… larger
>In fact, it was bloating up little by little as you were watching it
>Realizing where the sound was coming from, she winced as an inhuman amount of pressure surged inside of her
>Before she even fully understood what was happening, her body opened an emergency valve to solve this monumental bloating
>The tip of her abdomen opened wide to accommodate a firehose of pure alchemical flatulence that bellowed out of her with enough volume to put a werewolf’s howl to shame
>Billowing out of her hard enough to rattle the webs and blow up forgotten dust, the deep bubbling bass rampaged through the cramped room like a steaming fog of distilled misery
>The witchy ingredients created a miasma of wretched stink beyond scientific explanation, thick enough to taste the skunkweed and dense enough it created a barely visible cloud of the same concerning colors
>As the wall of stench hit you, you were glad she was facing towards the fire, because if she had her back to it she might’ve burned the house down with that plume of methane
>After the longest 7 seconds of either of your lives, she flipped around to face you blushing crimson
>”Sorry! That must be um, dinner not sitting well with me. Unrelated to the potion in any way!”
>She watched silently as you approached and spoke quietly
>”I think the potion is working.”
>She blushed even deeper trying to scrutinize your answer
>But you paused when you felt a faint draft of warm air
>She grunts with a little bit of effort and the air becomes still once again
>”…sorry, that fart was still going…”
>She looked to the ground unable to look you in the eyes as her body continued to churn ghastly gas like a machine
>”Okay just pretend this never happened! You don’t have to pay, just get out before that happens again.”
>Even if the air burned your lungs with a bouquet of wilted flowers and wretched mummified meat, you leaned in closer
>”Okay, maybe the potion didn’t work, but I’m thinking YOU might be the solution I’m looking for.”
>She groaned feeling like her backside was going to explode again any second now
>Was this the best or worse case scenario after making a flatulence potion of weaponized potency?
>”You’re pretty cute, but maybe come back in an hour… or several before you go asking me on a date.”
>You answered with a gentle grasp on her abdomen, feeling the taut surface filled to the brim with swirling pockets of gas desperate for release
>She gasped at your touch as you spoke up
>”Maybe I can help you get things out of your system a little faster…”
>With just the lightest squeeze, she erupted with a raspy ripper that rippled against your stomach and doused your clothes in her rank perfume
>All she could do was moan as you forced out the unbelievable buildup of rank fumes one push at a time, further tainting the air in the old room
>Ending on a wet flutter, she panted loudly with her witch hat almost falling off her tilted head
>”Ooooooh! You do that again and I’ll be the one asking you out on a date!”
>. . .
>The rest of the night would be filled with enough ghoulish cries and sickly bubbling from her rear end any traveler would think twice about knocking on the door
>But in the morning a couple would emerge with a foul green mist panting for air
>And plans for breakfast together