domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:04 AM
I've spent my morning at work apologizing to various people I know
Anysy - Today at 11:05 AM
Hm? What happened
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:05 AM
I don't think I should explain that to you.
I've been apologizing to people I hurt over the past two years.
Anysy - Today at 11:06 AM
Oh, okay
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:07 AM
Unfortunately I do not have contact with all of them but I have been apologizing to the ones I still do and telling them the truth.
Because I am done pushing it away.
Anysy - Today at 11:09 AM
Mmm yes I see that sounds responsible
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:09 AM
Mhm
It's not responsibility, it's guilt. But sure
Anysy - Today at 11:10 AM
I mean yes but not doing anything about it ever would be not responsible idk
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:12 AM
No it'd be living with guilt like I have been already al this time.
Anysy - Today at 11:15 AM
I mean I guess
But isn't dealing with your problems instead of living with them the responsible thing to do
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:22 AM
Generally yes.
Especially when they weigh on you like these have me.
But the motivation was guilt.
Not ownership.
There's nothing respectable, nor valiant, about what I've done and have been doing.
I always told myself back on Brynhildr that I knew I was a shitty raid leader, but I was at least a fair and unbiased one and not the kind of asshole you find in hardcore groups but I was lying to myself then like I was lying to myself in Sigma. I've always been an asshole, not by my design but because of influences. Even when it was just me and Lisa, I was pretty influenced by his actions. We hurt a lot of people then too, but at least they weren't people we cared about like I ended up doing.
They were just random PF people and it was just part of wanting to get shit done.
Anysy - Today at 11:28 AM
I think I'll need to be convinced more that you were ever an asshole I don't think I can agree to that
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:33 AM
Please.
I was extremely rude to Lion, who was my only friend after the two of you left me behind. I made Argrald cry I criticized him so hard and he tried to keep contact with me even after leaving Brynhildr for Gilgamesh. Lisa was my closest friend I had before you, and I treated him like shit because you guys were so hard on him and I wanted to keep you happy. Akash was my very first friend in-game and I let the two of you pressure him so badly that he quit raiding altogether because he couldn't reconcile his need for improvement with his relationship. I let the two of you shit talk Danny's skills so badly that he quit raiding for a while and went off to join and endgame FC to try and prove himself.
I committed a lot of sins towards people I liked all to keep the two of you happy because I thought I belonged with you.
Anysy - Today at 11:37 AM
See that makes it sound like I am the asshole not you
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:38 AM
That's not entirely inaccurate.
But still.
I'm the one who did the actions.
Anysy - Today at 11:40 AM
Also this seems like a stupid comment this far out of time but I thought I remembered akash being good
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:45 AM
Good when he wasn't having Internet issues that were far out of his control, yeah
Anysy - Today at 11:45 AM
Oh, hmm. Yeah my memory of that long ago is very spotty
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:45 AM
Mine isn't.
Anysy - Today at 11:48 AM
Mhm well all of this seems to be suggesting that it's my fault for forcing you into this,, I'm sorry
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:51 AM
It is. But it's mostly mine because I let you two influence me so much. It's difficult to reconcile your own opinions alongside those of others when you want to belong with those people, or perceive that you do.
And a lot of the people close to me warned me about the two of you, repeatedly, tier after tier.
Tier after tier I ignored them thinking I knew you both much better than they did.
But in the end, when I was the one in that position, when Ruka was the one in that position, I realized I had been very wrong.
Anysy - Today at 11:54 AM
I am somewhat curious about those warnings from a retrospective point of view uh asking what others thought so negatively about me to say
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 11:56 AM
Lion said the both of you were toxic as hell. Argrald said a lot of what the two of you said was extremely unjustified because he took the information he knew from people who actually played his class well. Ruka... I'm not going to say what Ruka said, because he's still around.
Suffice it to say, you both quickly became people he never wants anything to do with again.
Kori said that the both of you were very untrustworthy and said our raid team looked like it never had any fun.
And she felt bad for Utai being there a lot.
Lisa regularly said the two of you seemed constantly unhappy.
Utai admitted you had good points that broke a lot of her habits but said the way you two yelled at each other during raid seemed abnormal and said that you all seemed like assholes, particularly Kyo which I agree with strongly
Anysy - Today at 12:00 PM
Did kori feel those things when we were doing 3 and 4
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:00 PM
Not at first. Over time
Anysy - Today at 12:01 PM
I mean Im somewhat asking for dumb reasons but like I really am struggling with the untrustworthy part
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:01 PM
Because you two say things that completely contradict your actions.
That is why. The same exact reason why I told you that I could not trust you anymore.
Because you say certain things, but then you do things that are completely sketchy as fuck.
Kori caught onto it immediately from you, and also with Zana when Utai was raiding with us and he was watching
He said it was pretty obvious.
I told you, before all of this happened, to chill out because you were sending messages that contradicted your wishes.
Messages that Ruka and I were unwanted. I warned you of this.
And then, not even a week later, Zana did what he did and you're right there defending him, regardless of whether or not you did so of your own volition.
You have always had a history of saying things that greatly contradict the choices you make.
And that has always made me very wary of your actions, and that's what led to my overthinking.
That's what worsened my depression for two years and constantly made me wonder if you really wanted to be there with me.
At least Zana is brazenly obvious about his feelings in a particularly idiotic way
That's why Lisa disliked Zana: he was very obvious in the fact that he didn't like Lisa.
And Zana saying things that contradicted his actions were because Zana's passive-aggressive, and always has been
Anysy - Today at 12:06 PM
See like that's the confusing part to me I feel like I've always tried really hard to do things that aren't.. Idk how do I say overtly mean to people
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:07 PM
I don't think you're fully cognizant of the actions you perform and how they look to other people.
That's why Lisa told me to forgive you.
Anysy - Today at 12:07 PM
I could probably agree that somewhat feel apart recently but only very recently I feel
Like I really don't know in what way I acted towards kori to get immediately decided as untrustworthy
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:08 PM
It was obvious you didn't want to be there.
Anysy - Today at 12:09 PM
I mean yes I explicitly said those words to you at one point
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:09 PM
To me. Not to him. Or to them.
I knew, yeah.
Anysy - Today at 12:10 PM
And yet I was there
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:10 PM
But when you say that you don't mind being somewhere yet clearly don't want to be there, that's kinda what would make someone label you as untrustworthy.
Anysy - Today at 12:11 PM
See like this is going to sound weird but
I see that almost completely opposite
I don't want to be there, yet I was asked to be there so I am
That seems like me trying to be someone who supports friends despite being unhappy
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:12 PM
Which is not a trait someone would find to be trustworthy because it'd make them wonder if the reason you're unhappy is because of them, making them feel like a burden like Utai did.
And like I felt so many times.
Anysy - Today at 12:13 PM
See now I say something dumb like
That has sorta been my motivation for staying in the static for a very long time
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:14 PM
yeah I'm well aware of that now, thanks
Anysy - Today at 12:14 PM
Would,,, it have been better to have left?
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:14 PM
and this is where I say I've hated leading it for a long time.
It would've been better for you to honestly tell me you wanted to leave, yep.
Instead of coming to me apologizing and going "oh Dom do you think it'd be better I leave I feel like such a problem"
and making me feel sorry for you.
Anysy - Today at 12:16 PM
I mean I feel like from my point of view that was the correct thing to do at the time but
I guess I'm seeing now that my point of view is very different from yours
domiwoof (Dom) - Today at 12:18 PM
yeah see, the way you did that made me feel like the way you felt was unrelated to the static and related to outside matters. I didn't get the impression from those words that you were unhappy with us but rather your circumstances. Had I felt like you were unhappy with us, I would've said "yes it would be best if you left" and left it at that. Coming to me and saying "my attitude's been so bad I'm sorry I've been an asshole should I stay?" means something entirely different than "I feel like this group has made me feel like shit lately and I just kinda wanna be out of it because you're all terrible at the game" and if you disagree with that, well, I guess that's just how it is.