Anon's Most Bizarre Adventures (jumps #51-52)

[Jorge Joestar, jump #51]

Drawbacks: Unwanted Tenant, Ant Man, So Many Serial Killers, Beyond Pasta, Joestar/Brando, Tick Tock, Gross Adult Shit (2050)

Mars, Joji's World

True Evil, The Funny Dynasty, age 20 (1950)

Funny Tongue (Free)
Funnier Family (1800)
Conqueror of the Sun (1500)
Do You Believe In God, My Son? (Free)
BEYOND: JoJo narrative (1200)
Holiday Coffin (Free)
Strike a Pose (Free)
Standing Tall (600)
Stand Down (0)
Stand Name:「THE WALL」: https://pastebin.com/0nwjzPe3

So there I was. Hanging on Mars. Next to 36 Kars, patiently waiting for Jorge and/or Joji to arrive. Papa Kars (#8) barely raised an eyebrow at my apparent spontaneous growth spurt, nor at Kars Prime remembering me from my misadventures in another timeline; he was actually really chill about it. For lack of anything better to do, I decided to set up a leg guitar/squirrel battle tournament as we waited.

Papa Kars. Do you mind explaining where I came from? Because this memory can't be right. It just can't be.

"Ah, It is a long and tragic story, young Maximum Overchuckle Final Funlicious Hilarrington Valentine...or should I say, Maximum Overchuckle Final Funlicious HIllarington Valentine-Brando-Joestar-Karsson?"

What.

"For you see, your birth was. Well, let's call it a miracle. While drowning her sorrows, Dio's mother met a dashing, generous stranger. Taking pity on her, disgraced second cousin Joshua Joestar paid for her drinks, then found himself carrying her to bed after she had far too many. But he was a virtuous man, and did not intend to disgrace her"

Then how-

"-Alas a freak Stand accident caused an alternate universe version of Funniest Valentine to fall upon him, just when his pants had fallen off from his belt buckle being too flimsy! He was so inept at using Love Train, he accidentally sent himself to another universe while trying to erase Communism"


"As this was happening I attempted to correct the timeline with my own Stand. Unfortunately my archnemesis Maury Povich, feared in my world for using his Stand「DAT BABY」to breed an army of half-Stand, half-human hybrids, followed me through to attack! While throwing himself in the way of Povich's pro-life splash attack, his own Stand and Funniest's caused a freak causality accident, rewriting history so all the men-and one Stand-in that room had simultaneously married Dio's mother in different timelines, but the observer effect caused all her alternate universe sons to collapse into one person. For what it's worth, I can assure you we were all excellent husbands til death did us part"

I don't know how to respond to that.

"Respond to my FIST, nerd" yelled Chad, stepping out of nowhere as his Stand「TOO COOL」made things totally uncool. "You think a little quantum uncertainty is gonna keep me from getting my lunch money!?"

"He does have a point". My father sighed, as Kars #27 dropped dead next to him. "Have I mentioned I am also the user of 「GOLDENEYE」, charged by Lord Dio to raise and execute you at adulthood to prevent you from erasing his legacy? Forgive me, brothers. The world was not enough"

Suddenly the Slender Man to burst out of Kars #27's corpse. "͠Man, ͞w̨ha̡t ̸a̶ te͠ŗr͡ifyi͝n̵ģ「ST͝A͡ND」͢yóu've ͢g͞o͡t͝ t͡h͘e̕ŗe͝"͟ he hissed. "̡Bu͟t ́yơư'̢ll͢ ͡n͞e͜e͜d m̧or͠e͘ t̨h̡an ̷t̸hat̵ ͡t̶o ̸t̢ake͞ dow͜n͡ ̛m͝y「̨SPOÒKY SCA̷R̷Y ̵SK̵E̴L̶E͘TO̵N͝S」̀.̸ H͠i, ̛a̸non̕! T̡ha̸nk̀s fo͡r t͜a̧kin̨g͟ ̶c̸a͜r̸ȩ of Ra͟ptu̡re̴ ̧for̶ m̛e̶! ̴Let͜'s͡ ͡Staǹḑ ̛bat͢tl͢e t̡hȩs̶e ̡chu̸mps t̸ogeth͘e͞r!" The assembled Karses nodded solemnly, recognising an honorable duel of manly spirit between father and son.

It was brutal and dirty, Chad mugging me of my fighting spirit only to be boned-and the Slender Man narrowly avoiding death by time hellhound when I said something racist against dogs. As my father lay dying, he whispered how proud he was of my Development.

I knew now what my destiny was. Already, time was beginning to halt as Ultimate Awakened Dio was making his way to our peaceful planet.

Tearing open a portal in time, I led the surviving 35 Kars, Slendy and my companions back to Friday 7 April AD 30, in Pontius Pilate's prefecture.

ALL JEWS ARE TERRIBAD I screamed at nobody in particular, kicking a surprised Pharisee in the teeth. GOD WANTS YOU TO LAY OFF HIS SON. Also, you got the wrong guy. Give that spear a good shove into my side this instant! Hand me that crown of thorns! Arrest me! Your Lord and Savior commands it!

"N-nani!?" Dio burst into the timeline, knocking aside some roman soldiers. "No, it's too soon! TOO SOON!"

That's right, I've figured out your plan Dio! I shouted, even as the confused legionnaires hammered nails into my wrists. You're betting everything on the Holy Corpse ressurecting Jonathan, aren't you? As you know, I shall now end that scheme by REPLACING the Holy Corpse!

"That's impossible! I'll just use my Stand to defeat you before you can taken to America!"

Oh really? Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @NotMyJesus, failing ambition and all, had aimed and fired his Stand at the true Son of God? Jail time!

NOOOOOOOOO, cried Dio as he faded out of the timeline. Once again, destined to die trying to murder an autistic Japanese teenager with a steamroller.

Anyway, once we dropped off my dead body I arranged an interdimensional family picnic between my various families on Mars. It was going as well as could be expected, until the Fears gatecrashed to challenge us all to a posing competition.

[/co/co/'s Bizarre Adventures, jump #52]

Drawback: [LOSE YOURSELF]

Rolled SUPEROCEAN!

Drop-in, age 28

Dramatics (Free)
[The Show Must Go On] (Free)
Base Treachery (Free)
Storyteller (1500)
[MELODY] (1200)
Awaken (600)
Propane and Propane Accessories (Free)
Jawbreaker Jar (0)

I always knew the abstract concept of infinite [ENTROPY] was going to come kick my ass one day. As a [STOPGATE] measure using my [COSMIC] powers to fuel a modified Ritual of Light combined with [EYE] of Agamotto and By The Hoaring Fucking Hosts sticking the thing in one place won't work [FOREVER].

So. I'm just going to tag along with Dora, try to scope out the prison; not the first time I've broken out of prison. Except of course, I'm about to start making [OBLIGATORY RORSCHACH QUOTES] because I've no intention of breaking out; in fact I'll litter its' [NOOKS AND CRANNIES] with [INFRASTRUCTURE] to discretly hijack it with my [LIFE] [EQUATION] while [PLOT] and [INSANITY] happens. How closely does everything map onto Part 6 anyway? Does Dora have parental abandonment issues? Does the Warden have a megalomaniacal vampire ex-boyfriend whose dream he's trying to carry out?

If things go REALLY [HAYWIRE]-well, to be fair the inmates'll probably view [MAGIC] as just a particularly busy [TUESDAY]. I just need to buy enough time to figure out how to bind the disparate energies of [NEUTRONIUM], [COSMIC CUBES] and [GENESIS BOX] through the power of [SHEER DC GENIUS] while using the [S{EAR OF DESTINY] as a dispersal catalyst for these [HYBRID THEORY] jawbreakers and then I can-

...

...this place is driving me [INSANE] isn't it.