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Still Laugh-In: The Stars Celebrate (2019)

theaceboyyat May 21st, 2019 1,643 Never
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  1. 1
  2. 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:09,142
  3. <i>Seven, six, five, four...</i>
  4.  
  5. 2
  6. 00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,310
  7. <i>Going live.</i>
  8.  
  9. 3
  10. 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,850
  11. <i>What you are about to see is true.</i>
  12.  
  13. 4
  14. 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:21,955
  15. <i>Only the names and faces have been
  16. left unchanged to protect the innocent.</i>
  17.  
  18. 5
  19. 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:24,791
  20. Ladies and gentlemen,
  21.  
  22. 6
  23. 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,695
  24. tonight we have an absolutely
  25. spectacular show for you.
  26.  
  27. 7
  28. 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:32,132
  29. In living color from the Dolby Theatre
  30.  
  31. 8
  32. 00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:35,435
  33. it's <i>Still Laugh-In: The Stars Celebrate.</i>
  34.  
  35. 9
  36. 00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:42,051
  37. <i>Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.</i>
  38.  
  39. 10
  40. 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:43,810
  41. <i>Here's</i> Laugh-In.
  42.  
  43. 11
  44. 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,979
  45. <i>Very interesting.</i>
  46.  
  47. 12
  48. 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,447
  49. <i>One ringy-dingy.</i>
  50.  
  51. 13
  52. 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:48,882
  53. <i>- Bippy.
  54. - Bippy.</i>
  55.  
  56. 14
  57. 00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:50,383
  58. <i>Bippy.</i>
  59.  
  60. 15
  61. 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:57,557
  62. <i>♪ Blondes aren't necessarily dumber</i> ♪
  63.  
  64. 16
  65. 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:00,794
  66. <i>♪ Than redheads ♪</i>
  67.  
  68. 17
  69. 00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,262
  70. <i>Sock it to me?</i>
  71.  
  72. 18
  73. 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,267
  74. <i>- Is that a chicken joke?
  75. - Oh!</i>
  76.  
  77. 19
  78. 00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:11,438
  79. <i>The sky is blue, the grass is green.</i>
  80.  
  81. 20
  82. 00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:14,574
  83. <i>Get off your butt and join the Marines.</i>
  84.  
  85. 21
  86. 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:16,076
  87. <i>Oh, pop goes the weasel!</i>
  88.  
  89. 22
  90. 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:21,481
  91. <i>There's kind of a kind of a...
  92. Kind of a... People just, you know, it's...</i>
  93.  
  94. 23
  95. 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,150
  96. <i>Got ya!</i>
  97.  
  98. 24
  99. 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:31,524
  100. <i>- Hey, man.
  101. - Hey, Cher, of Sonny and Cher.</i>
  102.  
  103. 25
  104. 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,194
  105. <i>What am I doing on a show like this?</i>
  106.  
  107. 26
  108. 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,296
  109. <i>I must be crazy.</i>
  110.  
  111. 27
  112. 00:01:36,362 --> 00:01:37,797
  113. <i>And that's the truth.</i>
  114.  
  115. 28
  116. 00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,167
  117. <i>Starring Lily Tomlin,</i>
  118.  
  119. 29
  120. 00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:42,535
  121. <i>Tiffany Haddish,</i>
  122.  
  123. 30
  124. 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:44,037
  125. <i>Neil Patrick Harris,</i>
  126.  
  127. 31
  128. 00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:45,538
  129. <i>Michael Douglas,</i>
  130.  
  131. 32
  132. 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,673
  133. <i>Snoop Dogg,</i>
  134.  
  135. 33
  136. 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,141
  137. <i>Billy Crystal,</i>
  138.  
  139. 34
  140. 00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:49,676
  141. <i>Chelsea Handler,</i>
  142.  
  143. 35
  144. 00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:51,077
  145. <i>Jay Leno,</i>
  146.  
  147. 36
  148. 00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:52,712
  149. <i>Rita Wilson,</i>
  150.  
  151. 37
  152. 00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:54,213
  153. <i>Bill Maher,</i>
  154.  
  155. 38
  156. 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:55,682
  157. <i>Tony Hale,</i>
  158.  
  159. 39
  160. 00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,250
  161. <i>Rita Moreno,</i>
  162.  
  163. 40
  164. 00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,785
  165. <i>Bobby Moynihan,</i>
  166.  
  167. 41
  168. 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,286
  169. <i>Michael Rapaport,</i>
  170.  
  171. 42
  172. 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:01,888
  173. <i>Mary McCormack,</i>
  174.  
  175. 43
  176. 00:02:02,355 --> 00:02:03,623
  177. <i>Jon Lovitz,</i>
  178.  
  179. 44
  180. 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,058
  181. <i>Kenya Barris.</i>
  182.  
  183. 45
  184. 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,826
  185. <i>With special guests,</i>
  186.  
  187. 46
  188. 00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:09,028
  189. <i>Ruth Buzzi, Jo Anne Worley.</i>
  190.  
  191. 47
  192. 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:12,065
  193. <i>Featuring Loni Anderson, Maria Bamford,</i>
  194.  
  195. 48
  196. 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,233
  197. <i>Margaret Cho,</i>
  198.  
  199. 49
  200. 00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:14,299
  201. <i>Deon Cole,</i>
  202.  
  203. 50
  204. 00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,002
  205. <i>Taye Diggs, Ron Funches,</i>
  206.  
  207. 51
  208. 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,004
  209. <i>Nikki Glaser, Jameela Jamil,</i>
  210.  
  211. 52
  212. 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,140
  213. <i>Natasha Leggero, Loni Love,</i>
  214.  
  215. 53
  216. 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,108
  217. <i>Cheri Oteri, Russell Peters,</i>
  218.  
  219. 54
  220. 00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:24,277
  221. <i>Jeff Ross, Lisa Ann Walter,</i>
  222.  
  223. 55
  224. 00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:26,679
  225. <i>and yours truly, Rob Riggle.</i>
  226.  
  227. 56
  228. 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:31,885
  229. Now, please welcome Tiffany Haddish
  230. and Neil Patrick Harris.
  231.  
  232. 57
  233. 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:34,154
  234. Yeah!
  235.  
  236. 58
  237. 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,361
  238. Look at you!
  239.  
  240. 59
  241. 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,663
  242. Welcome, everybody.
  243.  
  244. 60
  245. 00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:46,266
  246. I am so excited to be here tonight.
  247.  
  248. 61
  249. 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:47,200
  250. I am, too.
  251.  
  252. 62
  253. 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:50,637
  254. This is <i>Still Laugh-In: The Stars Celebrate,</i>
  255.  
  256. 63
  257. 00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,205
  258. and we're the stars.
  259.  
  260. 64
  261. 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,340
  262. And we're definitely celebrating.
  263.  
  264. 65
  265. 00:02:54,407 --> 00:02:55,708
  266. Yes, we are.
  267.  
  268. 66
  269. 00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:08,354
  270. - It's good.
  271. - But we're not the only stars.
  272.  
  273. 67
  274. 00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:11,524
  275. Some of the funniest people in comedy
  276. are joining us for the party.
  277.  
  278. 68
  279. 00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:14,294
  280. - Uh-huh. I have been so ready for this.
  281. - Mmm.
  282.  
  283. 69
  284. 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,228
  285. And look at us.
  286.  
  287. 70
  288. 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:16,129
  289. - Look at us.
  290. - Mmm.
  291.  
  292. 71
  293. 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,231
  294. We are dressed
  295. like we're going to the prom!
  296.  
  297. 72
  298. 00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:23,736
  299. Although we're not a couple,
  300.  
  301. 73
  302. 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,305
  303. for obvious reasons.
  304.  
  305. 74
  306. 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,773
  307. Mm-hmm.
  308.  
  309. 75
  310. 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,642
  311. I'm... Episcopalian.
  312.  
  313. 76
  314. 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:30,977
  315. And I'm Jewish.
  316.  
  317. 77
  318. 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,148
  319. And we know some people in here
  320. frown upon that.
  321.  
  322. 78
  323. 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,417
  324. That's right.
  325. We're going straight to hell.
  326.  
  327. 79
  328. 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,853
  329. And this is gonna be
  330. one hell of a party, segue,
  331.  
  332. 80
  333. 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,890
  334. because we are here to pay tribute...
  335.  
  336. 81
  337. 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:48,094
  338. ...to one of the most groundbreaking shows
  339. in television history.
  340.  
  341. 82
  342. 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,596
  343. Groundbroken!
  344.  
  345. 83
  346. 00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:51,364
  347. Yeah, it was cutting-edge.
  348.  
  349. 84
  350. 00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,732
  351. Mmm, razor-sharp!
  352.  
  353. 85
  354. 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,467
  355. It was...
  356.  
  357. 86
  358. 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:56,002
  359. - Innovative.
  360. - Turnt!
  361.  
  362. 87
  363. 00:03:57,437 --> 00:04:00,273
  364. Turnt! You bet your sweet bippy
  365. it was turnt!
  366.  
  367. 88
  368. 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,709
  369. What the hell is a "bippy"?
  370.  
  371. 89
  372. 00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:06,312
  373. A "bippy". It's a phrase
  374. that was dope in 1969.
  375.  
  376. 90
  377. 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,448
  378. - Did you just say "dope"?
  379. - Word.
  380.  
  381. 91
  382. 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:12,085
  383. Ooh, I love this.
  384. I've never had my own white boy before.
  385.  
  386. 92
  387. 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,290
  388. That's cool, 'cause I've never had...
  389.  
  390. 93
  391. 00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:18,424
  392. Watch yourself.
  393.  
  394. 94
  395. 00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:24,163
  396. I've never had the pleasure
  397. of sharing the stage
  398.  
  399. 95
  400. 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,032
  401. with anyone as talented as you.
  402.  
  403. 96
  404. 00:04:26,132 --> 00:04:28,234
  405. Thank you.
  406.  
  407. 97
  408. 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,308
  409. And we are doing it in a way
  410. that has never been seen before.
  411.  
  412. 98
  413. 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,844
  414. Sounds so dirty.
  415.  
  416. 99
  417. 00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:41,547
  418. - That tongue.
  419. - But...
  420.  
  421. 100
  422. 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:45,318
  423. But <i>Laugh-In</i> was unlike anything
  424. that had ever been seen before.
  425.  
  426. 101
  427. 00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:46,865
  428. That's true. When the show premiered,
  429.  
  430. 102
  431. 00:04:46,919 --> 00:04:49,355
  432. there was an unpopular president
  433. in the White House,
  434.  
  435. 103
  436. 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:51,658
  437. there was fighting overseas
  438. and here at home.
  439.  
  440. 104
  441. 00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:55,628
  442. Mm-hmm. There was racial discrimination
  443. and sex discrimination,
  444.  
  445. 105
  446. 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,064
  447. the NRA had too much damn power,
  448.  
  449. 106
  450. 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,000
  451. and most of us felt
  452. like we didn't have anything.
  453.  
  454. 107
  455. 00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,611
  456. - We didn't have any power.
  457. - It's true.
  458.  
  459. 108
  460. 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,604
  461. Sounds very 2019.
  462.  
  463. 109
  464. 00:05:05,738 --> 00:05:09,809
  465. And since tonight
  466. is about celebrating <i>Laugh-In,</i>
  467.  
  468. 110
  469. 00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,045
  470. let's start the way they did.
  471.  
  472. 111
  473. 00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:13,846
  474. Let's go to the cocktail party.
  475.  
  476. 112
  477. 00:05:30,296 --> 00:05:31,931
  478. According to a new study,
  479.  
  480. 113
  481. 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,001
  482. seniors are
  483. the most frequent binge drinkers.
  484.  
  485. 114
  486. 00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,905
  487. Followed closely by juniors, sophomores,
  488. and freshmen.
  489.  
  490. 115
  491. 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,079
  492. <i>Reverend Mother, get over here quickly.</i>
  493.  
  494. 116
  495. 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:48,614
  496. <i>There's a bunch of people here
  497. and they're all flying.</i>
  498.  
  499. 117
  500. 00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:56,122
  501. How is this show like the <i>Titanic?</i>
  502.  
  503. 118
  504. 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,161
  505. It gives me a sinking feeling.
  506.  
  507. 119
  508. 00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,373
  509. Hey, remember the good old days
  510.  
  511. 120
  512. 00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:10,737
  513. when they called
  514. illegal immigrants "pilgrims"?
  515.  
  516. 121
  517. 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,443
  518. <i>It's all in how you look at it.</i>
  519.  
  520. 122
  521. 00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:20,513
  522. <i>What you call "riots",
  523. we call "group therapy".</i>
  524.  
  525. 123
  526. 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:28,087
  527. I don't shop at Forever 21.
  528.  
  529. 124
  530. 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,824
  531. I shop at Not That Great 48.
  532.  
  533. 125
  534. 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,399
  535. Hi. I'm Deon Cole.
  536.  
  537. 126
  538. 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,535
  539. Hey, what are you doing?
  540.  
  541. 127
  542. 00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,103
  543. Swiping you to the right.
  544.  
  545. 128
  546. 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,239
  547. Ooh, you're a sexy motherfucker.
  548.  
  549. 129
  550. 00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:55,248
  551. <i>There's a new car coming out
  552. with a rotary engine.</i>
  553.  
  554. 130
  555. 00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:58,451
  556. <i>It still pollutes the air,
  557. but with smoke rings.</i>
  558.  
  559. 131
  560. 00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:06,626
  561. Oh.
  562.  
  563. 132
  564. 00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:13,399
  565. I thought it was that camera. Last time...
  566.  
  567. 133
  568. 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,735
  569. I'm on TV.
  570.  
  571. 134
  572. 00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:23,276
  573. Hello, I'm Jon Lovitz,
  574. comedian/Instagram model.
  575.  
  576. 135
  577. 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:34,153
  578. Now, while I'm known around the world
  579. for my charitable works,
  580.  
  581. 136
  582. 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:37,757
  583. my proudest achievement is when I won
  584. the catchphrase of the century
  585.  
  586. 137
  587. 00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:41,260
  588. for my character, the pathological liar,
  589. on <i>Saturday Night Live.</i>
  590.  
  591. 138
  592. 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:42,628
  593. Thank you.
  594.  
  595. 139
  596. 00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:47,567
  597. "Yeah, that's the ticket"
  598. launched my career.
  599.  
  600. 140
  601. 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,102
  602. As every famous comedian knows,
  603.  
  604. 141
  605. 00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:53,306
  606. you're doomed if you don't have
  607. a killer catchphrase.
  608.  
  609. 142
  610. 00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:55,942
  611. Larry the Cable Guy, "Git-R-Done."
  612.  
  613. 143
  614. 00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:59,245
  615. Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a redneck."
  616.  
  617. 144
  618. 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,448
  619. And Bill Cosby,
  620. "Hey, hey, hey, drink this."
  621.  
  622. 145
  623. 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:08,119
  624. Ooh.
  625.  
  626. 146
  627. 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,391
  628. But what people don't realize
  629.  
  630. 147
  631. 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,927
  632. is that the comedy catchphrase
  633. was invented
  634.  
  635. 148
  636. 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:18,097
  637. by the scientists
  638. of the <i>Laugh-In</i> Institute for Laughs.
  639.  
  640. 149
  641. 00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,032
  642. Yeah, that's the ticket.
  643.  
  644. 150
  645. 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,136
  646. <i>A gracious "hello."</i>
  647.  
  648. 151
  649. 00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,372
  650. <i>Is this the party to whom I am speaking?</i>
  651.  
  652. 152
  653. 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:27,673
  654. <i>Uh, information?</i>
  655.  
  656. 153
  657. 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,010
  658. <i>Yeah, listen. I'm in...
  659. I'm in beautiful downtown Burbank.</i>
  660.  
  661. 154
  662. 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,645
  663. <i>Can you get me an outside line?</i>
  664.  
  665. 155
  666. 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,781
  667. <i>Yes, I'd like to call America.</i>
  668.  
  669. 156
  670. 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,585
  671. <i>You bet your sweet bippy!</i>
  672.  
  673. 157
  674. 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,789
  675. <i>- I bet my sweet bippy and lost it!
  676. - What did he say?</i>
  677.  
  678. 158
  679. 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:46,292
  680. <i>Look that up in your Funk and Wagnall's.</i>
  681.  
  682. 159
  683. 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:50,062
  684. <i>I don't understand a word she said,
  685. but when she says it...</i>
  686.  
  687. 160
  688. 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:51,764
  689. <i>...who cares?</i>
  690.  
  691. 161
  692. 00:08:51,831 --> 00:08:53,900
  693. <i>Well, ring my chimes.</i>
  694.  
  695. 162
  696. 00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,270
  697. <i>A one for the money, two for the show...</i>
  698.  
  699. 163
  700. 00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,639
  701. <i>Here come da judge, he gonna get you.</i>
  702.  
  703. 164
  704. 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,941
  705. <i>♪ Swear to tell the truth
  706. And you better come clean ♪</i>
  707.  
  708. 165
  709. 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:04,443
  710. <i>♪ 'Cause here come da judge
  711. And he looks mighty mean ♪</i>
  712.  
  713. 166
  714. 00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:06,712
  715. <i>♪ Here come da judge
  716. Here come da judge ♪</i>
  717.  
  718. 167
  719. 00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:07,813
  720. <i>♪ Here come da judge ♪</i>
  721.  
  722. 168
  723. 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,282
  724. <i>Very interesting.</i>
  725.  
  726. 169
  727. 00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:12,885
  728. <i>I think that you are
  729. very interesting, too.</i>
  730.  
  731. 170
  732. 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:14,720
  733. <i>Sock it to me.</i>
  734.  
  735. 171
  736. 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:15,655
  737. <i>Sock it to me.</i>
  738.  
  739. 172
  740. 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,456
  741. <i>- Sock it to me.
  742. - Sock it to me.</i>
  743.  
  744. 173
  745. 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,292
  746. <i>Sock it to me, sock it to me,
  747. sock it to me,</i>
  748.  
  749. 174
  750. 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:24,564
  751. <i>Night, Dick.</i>
  752.  
  753. 175
  754. 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,032
  755. <i>- Goodnight, Dick.
  756. - Dick?</i>
  757.  
  758. 176
  759. 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:30,836
  760. Ladies and gentlemen, Lily Tomlin,
  761. Ruth Buzzi, and Jo Anne Worley.
  762.  
  763. 177
  764. 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:36,309
  765. Oh, my God.
  766.  
  767. 178
  768. 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:39,412
  769. Wow!
  770.  
  771. 179
  772. 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:46,419
  773. Thank you so much.
  774.  
  775. 180
  776. 00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:55,227
  777. Oh!
  778.  
  779. 181
  780. 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:59,131
  781. Oh, my God, we all thank you so much.
  782.  
  783. 182
  784. 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,233
  785. And as we're seeing tonight,
  786.  
  787. 183
  788. 00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,936
  789. <i>Laugh-In</i> was funny.
  790.  
  791. 184
  792. 00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:10,443
  793. And just as relevant today
  794. as it was 50 years ago.
  795.  
  796. 185
  797. 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:14,146
  798. And it all began thanks to a man
  799. who is here tonight,
  800.  
  801. 186
  802. 00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:17,850
  803. who was and is a special part of my life.
  804.  
  805. 187
  806. 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:19,418
  807. Of all our lives.
  808.  
  809. 188
  810. 00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:20,820
  811. George Schlatter.
  812.  
  813. 189
  814. 00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:22,088
  815. Yay!
  816.  
  817. 190
  818. 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,294
  819. Very simply put,
  820.  
  821. 191
  822. 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,529
  823. George is a comedy
  824.  
  825. 192
  826. 00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:34,033
  827. icon!
  828.  
  829. 193
  830. 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:35,868
  831. And a real mensch.
  832.  
  833. 194
  834. 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,604
  835. George, Georgie,
  836.  
  837. 195
  838. 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,206
  839. Georgie, we love you.
  840.  
  841. 196
  842. 00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:42,041
  843. - Mm-hmm.
  844. - Everyone loves you.
  845.  
  846. 197
  847. 00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:44,744
  848. Please join us in thanking George
  849.  
  850. 198
  851. 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,646
  852. for creating <i>Laugh-In</i>
  853.  
  854. 199
  855. 00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:51,651
  856. and providing us all these laughs
  857. for all these years!
  858.  
  859. 200
  860. 00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:55,186
  861. I love you.
  862.  
  863. 201
  864. 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,490
  865. <i>My name is George Schlatter,</i>
  866.  
  867. 202
  868. 00:10:57,556 --> 00:11:00,393
  869. <i>and I was the executive producer
  870. and creator of </i>Laugh-In.
  871.  
  872. 203
  873. 00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:02,928
  874. <i>George Schlatter, eh.</i>
  875.  
  876. 204
  877. 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,798
  878. Laugh-In<i> was an adventure.</i>
  879. Laugh-In<i> was an experiment.</i>
  880.  
  881. 205
  882. 00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:07,566
  883. <i>I really mean it. Let George do it.</i>
  884.  
  885. 206
  886. 00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:09,268
  887. <i>I collected a group of people.</i>
  888.  
  889. 207
  890. 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,937
  891. <i>They were people
  892. who didn't fit into sitcoms.</i>
  893.  
  894. 208
  895. 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,406
  896. <i>They were not variety performers.</i>
  897.  
  898. 209
  899. 00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:16,842
  900. <i>They were just charming personalities
  901. with a wonderful sense of humor.</i>
  902.  
  903. 210
  904. 00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:19,745
  905. <i>NBC, beautiful downtown Burbank.</i>
  906.  
  907. 211
  908. 00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:22,682
  909. <i>NBC didn't understand it.
  910. They didn't even really like it.</i>
  911.  
  912. 212
  913. 00:11:22,748 --> 00:11:26,185
  914. <i>Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
  915. welcome to television's first </i>Laugh-In.
  916.  
  917. 213
  918. 00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,972
  919. <i>But they had nothing else
  920. to put on</i>
  921.  
  922. 214
  923. 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,855
  924. <i>opposite Lucille Ball and </i>Gunsmoke.
  925.  
  926. 215
  927. 00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:32,692
  928. <i>I'm sorry, Lucy, but it's a living.</i>
  929.  
  930. 216
  931. 00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:35,027
  932. Laugh-In <i>had
  933. a lot of accidents in it.</i>
  934.  
  935. 217
  936. 00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:38,664
  937. <i>Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Travis.
  938. I thought you were... you were...</i>
  939.  
  940. 218
  941. 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,101
  942. <i>We broke all kinds of rules.</i>
  943.  
  944. 219
  945. 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,236
  946. <i>We forgot something.</i>
  947.  
  948. 220
  949. 00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:46,672
  950. <i>The joke wall was
  951. one of my favorite segments.</i>
  952.  
  953. 221
  954. 00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:49,108
  955. <i>The doors would open up,
  956. and it would get out of control.</i>
  957.  
  958. 222
  959. 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:50,943
  960. <i>Hello, hello, hello.</i>
  961.  
  962. 223
  963. 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:54,447
  964. <i>We were allowed
  965. to go on doing a lot of...</i>
  966.  
  967. 224
  968. 00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:57,216
  969. <i>very strange, unusual,
  970. and provocative things.</i>
  971.  
  972. 225
  973. 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,884
  974. <i>You gotta get out there, kid.</i>
  975.  
  976. 226
  977. 00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:01,454
  978. <i>- I just can't go on like this.
  979. - It's a full house. Shape up!</i>
  980.  
  981. 227
  982. 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,520
  983. <i>It was scripted,</i>
  984.  
  985. 228
  986. 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,224
  987. <i>but rarely did they all do
  988. what was on the page,</i>
  989.  
  990. 229
  991. 00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,026
  992. <i>which is the magic of the show.</i>
  993.  
  994. 230
  995. 00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:09,295
  996. <i>Tonight, </i>Laugh-In<i> salutes the FBI.</i>
  997.  
  998. 231
  999. 00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:12,898
  1000. <i>♪ Gimme an F, gimme a B
  1001. Gimme an I, I, I ♪</i>
  1002.  
  1003. 232
  1004. 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,868
  1005. <i>We made fun of everything.
  1006. The rest is history.</i>
  1007.  
  1008. 233
  1009. 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:22,608
  1010. <i>Oh, George!</i>
  1011.  
  1012. 234
  1013. 00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:27,079
  1014. <i>For a minute,
  1015. I thought you guys had changed.</i>
  1016.  
  1017. 235
  1018. 00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:38,891
  1019. I, actor, singer, dancer, sword-swallower,
  1020. Neil Patrick Harris...
  1021.  
  1022. 236
  1023. 00:12:43,362 --> 00:12:45,898
  1024. I have hosted the Tonys, the Emmys,
  1025.  
  1026. 237
  1027. 00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:48,467
  1028. and right here in the Dolby Theatre,
  1029. the Oscars.
  1030.  
  1031. 238
  1032. 00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:52,638
  1033. And so, I have gotten the chance
  1034.  
  1035. 239
  1036. 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,475
  1037. to do my fair share
  1038. of big, splashy musical numbers.
  1039.  
  1040. 240
  1041. 00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,679
  1042. I wasn't going to do one tonight,
  1043. but the producers, they kept asking.
  1044.  
  1045. 241
  1046. 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:05,017
  1047. I told them I didn't have an idea,
  1048. I couldn't find the right song,
  1049.  
  1050. 242
  1051. 00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,519
  1052. there wouldn't be time to rehearse,
  1053.  
  1054. 243
  1055. 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:09,188
  1056. and most importantly,
  1057. I wasn't getting paid enough.
  1058.  
  1059. 244
  1060. 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:14,193
  1061. But they opened their checkbooks,
  1062. and here we are.
  1063.  
  1064. 245
  1065. 00:13:18,597 --> 00:13:19,597
  1066. So...
  1067.  
  1068. 246
  1069. 00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:25,337
  1070. in the spirit of <i>Laugh-In's</i>
  1071. hilarious musical extravaganzas,
  1072.  
  1073. 247
  1074. 00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,206
  1075. here's a little something special,
  1076.  
  1077. 248
  1078. 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:28,674
  1079. just for you.
  1080.  
  1081. 249
  1082. 00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:38,050
  1083. Key of G. Hit it!
  1084.  
  1085. 250
  1086. 00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:41,954
  1087. <i>And now,</i>
  1088.  
  1089. 251
  1090. 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,556
  1091. <i>Rita Moreno and Rita Wilson.</i>
  1092.  
  1093. 252
  1094. 00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:47,626
  1095. <i>With Judy Carne and Artie Johnson.</i>
  1096.  
  1097. 253
  1098. 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,395
  1099. <i>♪ This is a groovy life</i> ♪
  1100.  
  1101. 254
  1102. 00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:50,930
  1103. <i>♪ This is a lot of fun ♪</i>
  1104.  
  1105. 255
  1106. 00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:54,333
  1107. <i>♪ I may be black and blue
  1108. Before the season's done ♪</i>
  1109.  
  1110. 256
  1111. 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,603
  1112. <i>♪ In spite of chicken jokes
  1113. We're telling everyone ♪</i>
  1114.  
  1115. 257
  1116. 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,471
  1117. <i>♪ That it's a sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1118.  
  1119. 258
  1120. 00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:01,674
  1121. <i>♪ Very interesting ♪</i>
  1122.  
  1123. 259
  1124. 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,043
  1125. ♪ <i>Cuckoo Laugh-In world ♪</i>
  1126.  
  1127. 260
  1128. 00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:05,277
  1129. <i>- ♪ Dum! ♪
  1130. - ♪ Dum!</i> ♪
  1131.  
  1132. 261
  1133. 00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,913
  1134. <i>- ♪ We never get uptight ♪
  1135. - ♪ We never hold a grudge</i> ♪
  1136.  
  1137. 262
  1138. 00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:09,582
  1139. <i>♪ If worry's in the way ♪</i>
  1140.  
  1141. 263
  1142. 00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,183
  1143. <i>♪ We give a little nudge ♪</i>
  1144.  
  1145. 264
  1146. 00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:12,751
  1147. <i>♪ We let it all hang out ♪</i>
  1148.  
  1149. 265
  1150. 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:14,820
  1151. <i>♪ And yell, "Here comes the judge" ♪</i>
  1152.  
  1153. 266
  1154. 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,522
  1155. <i>♪ 'Cause it's a sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1156.  
  1157. 267
  1158. 00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,657
  1159. <i>♪ Very interesting ♪</i>
  1160.  
  1161. 268
  1162. 00:14:18,724 --> 00:14:22,228
  1163. <i>♪ Cuckoo Laugh-In world ♪</i>
  1164.  
  1165. 269
  1166. 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:24,930
  1167. <i>♪ Is this the Twilight Zone? ♪</i>
  1168.  
  1169. 270
  1170. 00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,398
  1171. <i>♪ This must be outer space ♪</i>
  1172.  
  1173. 271
  1174. 00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:29,635
  1175. <i>♪ And lovely downtown Burbank
  1176. Is the place ♪</i>
  1177.  
  1178. 272
  1179. 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,637
  1180. <i>♪ Where ballerinas quack ♪</i>
  1181.  
  1182. 273
  1183. 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,205
  1184. <i>♪ And run around the block ♪</i>
  1185.  
  1186. 274
  1187. 00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:35,741
  1188. <i>♪ And everybody says, "Knock, knock!" ♪</i>
  1189.  
  1190. 275
  1191. 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:37,877
  1192. - Who's there?
  1193. - Rita.
  1194.  
  1195. 276
  1196. 00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:38,944
  1197. Me, too.
  1198.  
  1199. 277
  1200. 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:40,079
  1201. #MeToo.
  1202.  
  1203. 278
  1204. 00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,380
  1205. Someone touched you?
  1206.  
  1207. 279
  1208. 00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,616
  1209. No, no. Me, too. My name is Rita.
  1210.  
  1211. 280
  1212. 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:47,386
  1213. <i>♪ The elevators work ♪</i>
  1214.  
  1215. 281
  1216. 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,554
  1217. <i>♪ But never up and down</i> ♪
  1218.  
  1219. 282
  1220. 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,289
  1221. <i>♪ We're wearing roller skates ♪</i>
  1222.  
  1223. 283
  1224. 00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:52,324
  1225. <i>♪ Beneath a velvet gown ♪</i>
  1226.  
  1227. 284
  1228. 00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:55,527
  1229. <i>♪ We think that Charles De Gaulle
  1230. Is really quite a clown ♪</i>
  1231.  
  1232. 285
  1233. 00:14:55,594 --> 00:14:57,263
  1234. <i>♪ 'Cause it's a sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1235.  
  1236. 286
  1237. 00:14:57,963 --> 00:14:59,565
  1238. <i>♪ Very interesting ♪</i>
  1239.  
  1240. 287
  1241. 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:02,534
  1242. <i>♪ Cuckoo Laugh-In world ♪</i>
  1243.  
  1244. 288
  1245. 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:05,004
  1246. Give a man a fish,
  1247. you'll feed him for a day.
  1248.  
  1249. 289
  1250. 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,539
  1251. Give a vegan a fish,
  1252. you'll get accused of a hate crime.
  1253.  
  1254. 290
  1255. 00:15:07,606 --> 00:15:09,041
  1256. <i>Is that a chicken joke?</i>
  1257.  
  1258. 291
  1259. 00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:13,479
  1260. <i>♪ If we get really bored
  1261. And try a nutty trick</i> ♪
  1262.  
  1263. 292
  1264. 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:16,949
  1265. <i>♪ If someone lays an egg
  1266. We pull another shtick ♪</i>
  1267.  
  1268. 293
  1269. 00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,051
  1270. If you're picking a safeword,
  1271.  
  1272. 294
  1273. 00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:21,453
  1274. stay away from "harder."
  1275.  
  1276. 295
  1277. 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,357
  1278. <i>♪ We always end the fun ♪</i>
  1279.  
  1280. 296
  1281. 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:26,902
  1282. <i>- ♪ By saying... ♪
  1283. - Goodnight, Dick.</i>
  1284.  
  1285. 297
  1286. 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,427
  1287. <i>♪ 'Cause it's a sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1288.  
  1289. 298
  1290. 00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:30,996
  1291. <i>♪ Very interesting ♪</i>
  1292.  
  1293. 299
  1294. 00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,532
  1295. <i>♪ Cuckoo Laugh-In world ♪</i>
  1296.  
  1297. 300
  1298. 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,668
  1299. <i>- It's a sock-it-to-me
  1300. - Sock-it-to-me</i>
  1301.  
  1302. 301
  1303. 00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:37,403
  1304. <i>- ♪ Sock-it-to-me ♪
  1305. - ♪ Sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1306.  
  1307. 302
  1308. 00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:38,504
  1309. <i>♪ Sock-it-to-me ♪</i>
  1310.  
  1311. 303
  1312. 00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:42,908
  1313. <i>It is with a heavy heart</i>
  1314.  
  1315. 304
  1316. 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,643
  1317. <i>that we continue.</i>
  1318.  
  1319. 305
  1320. 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,179
  1321. <i>Very interesting.</i>
  1322.  
  1323. 306
  1324. 00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:49,415
  1325. <i>♪ Cuckoo ♪</i>
  1326.  
  1327. 307
  1328. 00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:54,219
  1329. <i>♪ Laugh-In world ♪</i>
  1330.  
  1331. 308
  1332. 00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,827
  1333. I heard Snoop Dogg is here.
  1334.  
  1335. 309
  1336. 00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:04,063
  1337. Actually, I smelled it.
  1338.  
  1339. 310
  1340. 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,465
  1341. Wow, that's some dank shit.
  1342.  
  1343. 311
  1344. 00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:19,812
  1345. Cheri, did you take my wallet?
  1346.  
  1347. 312
  1348. 00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:23,015
  1349. What? I'm just keeping up
  1350. with the Cash-chic-ians.
  1351.  
  1352. 313
  1353. 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,883
  1354. Oh, you mean the Kardashians.
  1355.  
  1356. 314
  1357. 00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:25,951
  1358. Potato, potahto.
  1359.  
  1360. 315
  1361. 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,093
  1362. Have you ever had a problem with bullying?
  1363.  
  1364. 316
  1365. 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,161
  1366. No, I've always been really good at it.
  1367.  
  1368. 317
  1369. 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,836
  1370. <i>I'm opposed to the literacy test.</i>
  1371.  
  1372. 318
  1373. 00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:46,605
  1374. <i>I mean, if you don't
  1375. have to be smart to run,</i>
  1376.  
  1377. 319
  1378. 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,774
  1379. <i>why should you have to be smart to vote?</i>
  1380.  
  1381. 320
  1382. 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:55,381
  1383. Sex is like pizza.
  1384.  
  1385. 321
  1386. 00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:58,884
  1387. When it's good, it's really good.
  1388.  
  1389. 322
  1390. 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,019
  1391. But when it's bad,
  1392.  
  1393. 323
  1394. 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,687
  1395. it's still pretty good.
  1396.  
  1397. 324
  1398. 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:06,859
  1399. <i>Sonny and I are perfectly compatible.
  1400. As soon there's a problem,</i>
  1401.  
  1402. 325
  1403. 00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:10,029
  1404. <i>my psychiatrist contacts his psychiatrist,
  1405. and they work it out.</i>
  1406.  
  1407. 326
  1408. 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,737
  1409. Do you like your martinis
  1410. shaken or stirred?
  1411.  
  1412. 327
  1413. 00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:21,573
  1414. You know
  1415. how I like my martinis?
  1416.  
  1417. 328
  1418. 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,375
  1419. Paid for. Ooh.
  1420.  
  1421. 329
  1422. 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:28,947
  1423. Tonight's show has been pre-recorded
  1424. for our protection.
  1425.  
  1426. 330
  1427. 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:31,383
  1428. Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno.
  1429.  
  1430. 331
  1431. 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,123
  1432. Well, I grew up in a house
  1433. that had one television,
  1434.  
  1435. 332
  1436. 00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:39,992
  1437. and it was in the living room,
  1438.  
  1439. 333
  1440. 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,562
  1441. and I would watch <i>Laugh-In</i>
  1442. with my mom and dad.
  1443.  
  1444. 334
  1445. 00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:49,168
  1446. And we would get maybe 15 to 18 minutes
  1447. into the show, and my mother would go,
  1448.  
  1449. 335
  1450. 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:52,271
  1451. "I think we've seen enough
  1452. of the <i>Laugh-In</i> people. Mm-hmm."
  1453.  
  1454. 336
  1455. 00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:55,841
  1456. And we'd watch the last 40 minutes
  1457. of <i>Gunsmoke.</i>
  1458.  
  1459. 337
  1460. 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,529
  1461. So consequently,
  1462. there are parts of the show
  1463.  
  1464. 338
  1465. 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,345
  1466. I'm seeing tonight
  1467. for the very first time,
  1468.  
  1469. 339
  1470. 00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,880
  1471. that I've never seen before.
  1472.  
  1473. 340
  1474. 00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:05,150
  1475. In fact, I understand there's a segment
  1476. called <i>"Laugh-In</i> Looks At The News."
  1477.  
  1478. 341
  1479. 00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:07,319
  1480. It was cutting edge
  1481. with jokes about current events.
  1482.  
  1483. 342
  1484. 00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:09,664
  1485. Poked fun at everything
  1486. from celebrities to the government,
  1487.  
  1488. 343
  1489. 00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,024
  1490. influenced just about every comic
  1491. of my generation,
  1492.  
  1493. 344
  1494. 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,127
  1495. and paved the way for shows
  1496. like <i>SNL, In Living Color,</i>
  1497.  
  1498. 345
  1499. 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:18,464
  1500. and the late-night comedy we love today,
  1501. so let's take a look.
  1502.  
  1503. 346
  1504. 00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:28,707
  1505. <i>♪ Want the news across the nation?</i> ♪
  1506.  
  1507. 347
  1508. 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,094
  1509. <i>Now with the news of the present,</i>
  1510.  
  1511. 348
  1512. 00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,877
  1513. <i>a man without whom
  1514. news wouldn't be news.</i>
  1515.  
  1516. 349
  1517. 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,712
  1518. <i>Here's Dickie!</i>
  1519.  
  1520. 350
  1521. 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,714
  1522. <i>Charleston, South Carolina.</i>
  1523.  
  1524. 351
  1525. 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:39,985
  1526. <i>Dawn Simmons, the Englishman
  1527. who became a female,</i>
  1528.  
  1529. 352
  1530. 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,554
  1531. <i>recently gave birth to a baby boy.</i>
  1532.  
  1533. 353
  1534. 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,756
  1535. <i>A close friend commented,</i>
  1536.  
  1537. 354
  1538. 00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:48,560
  1539. <i>"I only hope he'll grow up to be
  1540. half the man his mother was."</i>
  1541.  
  1542. 355
  1543. 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,064
  1544. <i>Many people suspect
  1545. that our news is doctored.</i>
  1546.  
  1547. 356
  1548. 00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:54,531
  1549. <i>- How many Russians did you say were in?
  1550. - Fifteen.</i>
  1551.  
  1552. 357
  1553. 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,200
  1554. <i>Fifteen...</i>
  1555.  
  1556. 358
  1557. 00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:59,338
  1558. <i>Joe, that could be serious.
  1559. We better make it ten Russians.</i>
  1560.  
  1561. 359
  1562. 00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:01,206
  1563. <i>How about five Russians?</i>
  1564.  
  1565. 360
  1566. 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:02,708
  1567. <i>Make it a couple.</i>
  1568.  
  1569. 361
  1570. 00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:04,543
  1571. <i>Where was this Russian born anyway?</i>
  1572.  
  1573. 362
  1574. 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,012
  1575. <i>Seventy-five miles
  1576. off the coast of Labrador.</i>
  1577.  
  1578. 363
  1579. 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:08,079
  1580. <i>Labrador.</i>
  1581.  
  1582. 364
  1583. 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,415
  1584. <i>Well, nobody knows where that is.
  1585. Make it New England.</i>
  1586.  
  1587. 365
  1588. 00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:14,052
  1589. <i>"Seventy-five miles off the coast</i>
  1590.  
  1591. 366
  1592. 00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:15,787
  1593. <i>of Massachusetts."</i>
  1594.  
  1595. 367
  1596. 00:19:15,854 --> 00:19:18,657
  1597. <i>No, round it out to 50 miles,
  1598. 'cause I think that'll read better.</i>
  1599.  
  1600. 368
  1601. 00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,225
  1602. <i>Maybe even 25.</i>
  1603.  
  1604. 369
  1605. 00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,292
  1606. <i>Let's not quibble.</i>
  1607.  
  1608. 370
  1609. 00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:23,395
  1610. <i>Put him a mile off of Boston Harbor.</i>
  1611.  
  1612. 371
  1613. 00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:26,031
  1614. <i>Representatives
  1615. of the National Rifle Association</i>
  1616.  
  1617. 372
  1618. 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,367
  1619. <i>said today that anyone who would sell guns</i>
  1620.  
  1621. 373
  1622. 00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:31,637
  1623. <i>to minors and unstable people
  1624. should be shot.</i>
  1625.  
  1626. 374
  1627. 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:36,909
  1628. <i>I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
  1629. I don't have any news for you tonight.</i>
  1630.  
  1631. 375
  1632. 00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:38,577
  1633. <i>Here it is. Here it is, look.</i>
  1634.  
  1635. 376
  1636. 00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:40,312
  1637. <i>Celebrity tennis tournament today.</i>
  1638.  
  1639. 377
  1640. 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:43,215
  1641. <i>A record crowd was on hand
  1642. to see Steve McQueen</i>
  1643.  
  1644. 378
  1645. 00:19:43,282 --> 00:19:45,684
  1646. <i>win three straight sets from his wife!</i>
  1647.  
  1648. 379
  1649. 00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,988
  1650. <i>It can now be reliably reported</i>
  1651.  
  1652. 380
  1653. 00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:53,292
  1654. <i>that today,
  1655. Steve McQueen beat his wife badly</i>
  1656.  
  1657. 381
  1658. 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:55,827
  1659. <i>in full view of a large crowd.</i>
  1660.  
  1661. 382
  1662. 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,367
  1663. Can we get a step ladder for Kevin Hart?
  1664.  
  1665. 383
  1666. 00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:09,174
  1667. This is just like Twitter,
  1668. but without all the death threats.
  1669.  
  1670. 384
  1671. 00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:12,277
  1672. I'm Barbara Walters, and this year,
  1673.  
  1674. 385
  1675. 00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:16,181
  1676. I'll be hosting
  1677. my own New Year's Eve special
  1678.  
  1679. 386
  1680. 00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:18,417
  1681. so I can finally say with confidence,
  1682.  
  1683. 387
  1684. 00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,118
  1685. "This is 2020."
  1686.  
  1687. 388
  1688. 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,721
  1689. <i>Where am I?</i>
  1690.  
  1691. 389
  1692. 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,191
  1693. If I have a psychotic episode at work,
  1694.  
  1695. 390
  1696. 00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,527
  1697. can I write it off as a business trip?
  1698.  
  1699. 391
  1700. 00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:30,862
  1701. <i>No, it's too early for that.</i>
  1702.  
  1703. 392
  1704. 00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:32,898
  1705. Mom!
  1706.  
  1707. 393
  1708. 00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:34,865
  1709. Mom!
  1710.  
  1711. 394
  1712. 00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:37,836
  1713. We're out of toilet paper!
  1714.  
  1715. 395
  1716. 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,105
  1717. <i>I'll be the judge of that.</i>
  1718.  
  1719. 396
  1720. 00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:43,075
  1721. My wife found out
  1722. that I went to a massage parlor.
  1723.  
  1724. 397
  1725. 00:20:43,542 --> 00:20:44,542
  1726. Happy ending?
  1727.  
  1728. 398
  1729. 00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,044
  1730. No, we're still married.
  1731.  
  1732. 399
  1733. 00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:49,214
  1734. Contrary to popular belief,
  1735.  
  1736. 400
  1737. 00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,149
  1738. this show is not a rerun.
  1739.  
  1740. 401
  1741. 00:21:04,696 --> 00:21:06,598
  1742. Felicia? Ernestine.
  1743.  
  1744. 402
  1745. 00:21:06,665 --> 00:21:09,234
  1746. I've got a new job with some real power.
  1747.  
  1748. 403
  1749. 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:12,137
  1750. I'm working
  1751. at a healthcare insurance corp...
  1752.  
  1753. 404
  1754. 00:21:12,204 --> 00:21:13,972
  1755. ...denying healthcare to everyone.
  1756.  
  1757. 405
  1758. 00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,479
  1759. Oh, I got to go. I got a call coming in.
  1760.  
  1761. 406
  1762. 00:21:18,076 --> 00:21:21,847
  1763. Controlled Healthcare Insurance Corp,
  1764. claims department.
  1765.  
  1766. 407
  1767. 00:21:21,913 --> 00:21:23,949
  1768. Ernestine Tomlin speaking.
  1769.  
  1770. 408
  1771. 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:27,386
  1772. Remember, an apple a day
  1773. keeps the doctor away.
  1774.  
  1775. 409
  1776. 00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:29,454
  1777. So does being uninsured.
  1778.  
  1779. 410
  1780. 00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:33,625
  1781. And what is your gripe <i>du jour?</i>
  1782.  
  1783. 411
  1784. 00:21:35,193 --> 00:21:36,561
  1785. Nope, not covered.
  1786.  
  1787. 412
  1788. 00:21:36,828 --> 00:21:40,132
  1789. No, being blind is
  1790. a pre-existing condition.
  1791.  
  1792. 413
  1793. 00:21:41,099 --> 00:21:42,868
  1794. You should have read the fine print.
  1795.  
  1796. 414
  1797. 00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:46,905
  1798. Claims Department, Ernestine.
  1799.  
  1800. 415
  1801. 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:48,774
  1802. Nope. Not covered.
  1803.  
  1804. 416
  1805. 00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:52,110
  1806. Why don't you hop on the bus, Gus,
  1807. slip out the back, Jack,
  1808.  
  1809. 417
  1810. 00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:54,212
  1811. get a new plan, Stan?
  1812.  
  1813. 418
  1814. 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,882
  1815. Oh, I'm hot tonight.
  1816.  
  1817. 419
  1818. 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,886
  1819. Claims Department, Ernestine.
  1820. It's your dime.
  1821.  
  1822. 420
  1823. 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:03,121
  1824. You were shot in a subway?
  1825.  
  1826. 421
  1827. 00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:05,524
  1828. Next time, eat at Quiznos.
  1829.  
  1830. 422
  1831. 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:09,594
  1832. Claims Department, Ernestine.
  1833.  
  1834. 423
  1835. 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,864
  1836. Nope, your plan does not cover
  1837. prescription drugs,
  1838.  
  1839. 424
  1840. 00:22:12,931 --> 00:22:14,866
  1841. and don't be a pill about it.
  1842.  
  1843. 425
  1844. 00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:18,537
  1845. You know, you should try acupuncture.
  1846.  
  1847. 426
  1848. 00:22:19,538 --> 00:22:21,973
  1849. Of course we don't cover acupuncture.
  1850.  
  1851. 427
  1852. 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,809
  1853. I was just needling you.
  1854.  
  1855. 428
  1856. 00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:28,547
  1857. Claims Department, Ernestine.
  1858.  
  1859. 429
  1860. 00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:30,582
  1861. Nope. Not covered.
  1862.  
  1863. 430
  1864. 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,186
  1865. You must think that HMO
  1866. stands for "Help Me Out."
  1867.  
  1868. 431
  1869. 00:22:35,754 --> 00:22:39,424
  1870. Remember, your health is our business,
  1871. not our concern.
  1872.  
  1873. 432
  1874. 00:22:53,772 --> 00:22:55,707
  1875. <i>Do you believe in the hereafter?</i>
  1876.  
  1877. 433
  1878. 00:22:55,774 --> 00:22:57,442
  1879. <i>Of course I do.</i>
  1880.  
  1881. 434
  1882. 00:22:57,509 --> 00:23:00,011
  1883. <i>Then you know
  1884. what I'm here after.</i>
  1885.  
  1886. 435
  1887. 00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,683
  1888. <i>By any chance,</i>
  1889.  
  1890. 436
  1891. 00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:06,785
  1892. <i>are you two ladies brothers?</i>
  1893.  
  1894. 437
  1895. 00:23:08,754 --> 00:23:10,088
  1896. <i>Move over, will you?</i>
  1897.  
  1898. 438
  1899. 00:23:16,695 --> 00:23:18,363
  1900. <i>You wanna see a moon gotcha?</i>
  1901.  
  1902. 439
  1903. 00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,032
  1904. <i>What's a gotcha?</i>
  1905.  
  1906. 440
  1907. 00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:22,833
  1908. <i>See the moon?</i>
  1909.  
  1910. 441
  1911. 00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:24,035
  1912. <i>Gotcha!</i>
  1913.  
  1914. 442
  1915. 00:23:35,781 --> 00:23:38,283
  1916. - Oh.
  1917. - Ah!
  1918.  
  1919. 443
  1920. 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:40,419
  1921. You're standing for me?
  1922.  
  1923. 444
  1924. 00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,154
  1925. Wow, that's new.
  1926.  
  1927. 445
  1928. 00:23:43,822 --> 00:23:45,624
  1929. And flowers for me?
  1930.  
  1931. 446
  1932. 00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:48,994
  1933. - Mmm.
  1934. - Mmm.
  1935.  
  1936. 447
  1937. 00:23:50,896 --> 00:23:53,465
  1938. Well, I guess guys can change.
  1939.  
  1940. 448
  1941. 00:23:57,002 --> 00:23:58,236
  1942. Ah!
  1943.  
  1944. 449
  1945. 00:23:58,637 --> 00:23:59,838
  1946. God, that hurt!
  1947.  
  1948. 450
  1949. 00:24:00,472 --> 00:24:03,208
  1950. Why did all that stuff get in your bag?
  1951. What's in it?
  1952.  
  1953. 451
  1954. 00:24:03,675 --> 00:24:07,045
  1955. Well, it's 2019.
  1956. I carry a lot of stuff now.
  1957.  
  1958. 452
  1959. 00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:09,047
  1960. Vape pen, my taser...
  1961.  
  1962. 453
  1963. 00:24:10,148 --> 00:24:11,183
  1964. What's that sound?
  1965.  
  1966. 454
  1967. 00:24:11,516 --> 00:24:13,952
  1968. - That's my vibrator.
  1969. - Oh, God!
  1970.  
  1971. 455
  1972. 00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:16,955
  1973. Wait a minute.
  1974.  
  1975. 456
  1976. 00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:20,258
  1977. You can't be Gladys's granddaughter.
  1978.  
  1979. 457
  1980. 00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:21,193
  1981. You're, uh...
  1982.  
  1983. 458
  1984. 00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:22,194
  1985. Black?
  1986.  
  1987. 459
  1988. 00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:24,095
  1989. Your words, not mine.
  1990.  
  1991. 460
  1992. 00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:27,332
  1993. I get it, I get it, I get it,
  1994. I get it, I get it!
  1995.  
  1996. 461
  1997. 00:24:27,399 --> 00:24:31,603
  1998. You're a modern, sophisticated, strong...
  1999.  
  2000. 462
  2001. 00:24:32,838 --> 00:24:34,139
  2002. beautiful,
  2003.  
  2004. 463
  2005. 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:37,142
  2006. spiteful woman.
  2007.  
  2008. 464
  2009. 00:24:37,509 --> 00:24:40,679
  2010. - Okay, you're growing on me.
  2011. - Mmm.
  2012.  
  2013. 465
  2014. 00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:42,080
  2015. And you're kind of cute.
  2016.  
  2017. 466
  2018. 00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:45,317
  2019. What do you say you and me get a room,
  2020.  
  2021. 467
  2022. 00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:48,053
  2023. my little chocolate buttercup?
  2024.  
  2025. 468
  2026. 00:25:00,065 --> 00:25:00,966
  2027. God!
  2028.  
  2029. 469
  2030. 00:25:03,602 --> 00:25:06,505
  2031. We cannot come close to the funny that you
  2032.  
  2033. 470
  2034. 00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:10,208
  2035. and Artie Johnson did to these characters.
  2036.  
  2037. 471
  2038. 00:25:10,275 --> 00:25:14,112
  2039. - Aww.
  2040. - Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary
  2041.  
  2042. 472
  2043. 00:25:14,412 --> 00:25:16,715
  2044. - Ruth Buzzi.
  2045. - Oh!
  2046.  
  2047. 473
  2048. 00:25:24,089 --> 00:25:25,524
  2049. Are we having fun yet?
  2050.  
  2051. 474
  2052. 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,195
  2053. I sure am,
  2054.  
  2055. 475
  2056. 00:25:30,495 --> 00:25:33,965
  2057. and I can't wait to see Bill Maher
  2058. give the finger to someone.
  2059.  
  2060. 476
  2061. 00:25:34,933 --> 00:25:38,470
  2062. Sorry, the Fickle Finger of Fate
  2063. to someone.
  2064.  
  2065. 477
  2066. 00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:43,108
  2067. Okay, now seems like as good a time as any
  2068. to do my special musical number.
  2069.  
  2070. 478
  2071. 00:25:43,174 --> 00:25:44,476
  2072. Key of G. Hit it!
  2073.  
  2074. 479
  2075. 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:46,945
  2076. Well, wait a minute, that's my key!
  2077.  
  2078. 480
  2079. 00:25:47,012 --> 00:25:49,447
  2080. <i>♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪</i>
  2081.  
  2082. 481
  2083. 00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:54,920
  2084. <i>♪ La ♪</i>
  2085.  
  2086. 482
  2087. 00:25:59,958 --> 00:26:02,394
  2088. You know, say what you will,
  2089. she still gets good volume.
  2090.  
  2091. 483
  2092. 00:26:24,149 --> 00:26:26,618
  2093. What's better than a lawyer?
  2094.  
  2095. 484
  2096. 00:26:27,018 --> 00:26:28,018
  2097. An alibi!
  2098.  
  2099. 485
  2100. 00:26:34,225 --> 00:26:36,461
  2101. <i>What do you think
  2102. of the population explosion?</i>
  2103.  
  2104. 486
  2105. 00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:39,998
  2106. <i>Well, you know what, doesn't bother me
  2107. a bit because I wear ear plugs.</i>
  2108.  
  2109. 487
  2110. 00:26:43,201 --> 00:26:46,538
  2111. My kids, Brasper and Lemongrass,
  2112. don't need vaccinations.
  2113.  
  2114. 488
  2115. 00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:49,674
  2116. I just send them off to school
  2117. and let the bullying do the rest.
  2118.  
  2119. 489
  2120. 00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:59,084
  2121. These days,
  2122. an old-fashioned Hollywood marriage
  2123.  
  2124. 490
  2125. 00:26:59,150 --> 00:27:03,154
  2126. is one where the sex videos
  2127. are only on VHS.
  2128.  
  2129. 491
  2130. 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:08,827
  2131. <i>Mr. Hefner,</i>
  2132.  
  2133. 492
  2134. 00:27:09,327 --> 00:27:13,765
  2135. <i>Harry says I look like something
  2136. out of your </i>Playboy<i> centerfold.</i>
  2137.  
  2138. 493
  2139. 00:27:15,066 --> 00:27:16,768
  2140. <i>Yes, uh, the staple.</i>
  2141.  
  2142. 494
  2143. 00:27:24,175 --> 00:27:25,043
  2144. Hey.
  2145.  
  2146. 495
  2147. 00:27:27,379 --> 00:27:28,613
  2148. I don't have a joke.
  2149.  
  2150. 496
  2151. 00:27:28,947 --> 00:27:31,149
  2152. I'm just the eye candy.
  2153.  
  2154. 497
  2155. 00:27:36,721 --> 00:27:41,226
  2156. I told the bartender
  2157. to give me an Old Fashioned
  2158.  
  2159. 498
  2160. 00:27:41,292 --> 00:27:43,028
  2161. and make it stiff.
  2162.  
  2163. 499
  2164. 00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:45,830
  2165. Wow. Well, you're old-fashioned,
  2166. and I'm stiff.
  2167.  
  2168. 500
  2169. 00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:49,334
  2170. That was inappropriate.
  2171.  
  2172. 501
  2173. 00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:57,375
  2174. What's up, everybody?
  2175. My name is Kenya Barris,
  2176.  
  2177. 502
  2178. 00:27:57,442 --> 00:28:00,812
  2179. and I'm the creator of the Emmy-nominated,
  2180. boundary-pushing,
  2181.  
  2182. 503
  2183. 00:28:00,879 --> 00:28:02,914
  2184. genre-defining show, <i>Black-ish.</i>
  2185.  
  2186. 504
  2187. 00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:11,089
  2188. Our little show manages to stay
  2189. on people's minds in a very unique way,
  2190.  
  2191. 505
  2192. 00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:14,559
  2193. because each week we get an opportunity
  2194. to talk about important things,
  2195.  
  2196. 506
  2197. 00:28:14,626 --> 00:28:17,062
  2198. from police brutality to the N-word,
  2199.  
  2200. 507
  2201. 00:28:17,395 --> 00:28:19,964
  2202. to police using the N-word
  2203. while brutalizing us.
  2204.  
  2205. 508
  2206. 00:28:20,065 --> 00:28:21,933
  2207. You know, the basics.
  2208.  
  2209. 509
  2210. 00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:24,936
  2211. In fact, at <i>Black-ish,</i>
  2212. we talked about so much shit,
  2213.  
  2214. 510
  2215. 00:28:25,003 --> 00:28:27,138
  2216. including a certain
  2217. orange-faced president,
  2218.  
  2219. 511
  2220. 00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:28,707
  2221. that I can't be there anymore.
  2222.  
  2223. 512
  2224. 00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:33,745
  2225. But that's okay. It allowed me to become
  2226. a part of this amazing Netflix family,
  2227.  
  2228. 513
  2229. 00:28:33,812 --> 00:28:36,748
  2230. until I say some shit about fat people
  2231. and end up at Hulu.
  2232.  
  2233. 514
  2234. 00:28:39,884 --> 00:28:42,987
  2235. No, but seriously, as bummed as I was
  2236. about leaving ABC,
  2237.  
  2238. 515
  2239. 00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:44,422
  2240. I did it with no malice,
  2241.  
  2242. 516
  2243. 00:28:44,489 --> 00:28:46,858
  2244. because it took a lot of balls
  2245. for that network
  2246.  
  2247. 517
  2248. 00:28:46,925 --> 00:28:49,227
  2249. to talk about even half the stuff we did.
  2250.  
  2251. 518
  2252. 00:28:49,294 --> 00:28:51,796
  2253. See, nowadays, that's not something
  2254. that people do,
  2255.  
  2256. 519
  2257. 00:28:51,863 --> 00:28:54,499
  2258. talk about things,
  2259. especially things that offend people,
  2260.  
  2261. 520
  2262. 00:28:54,999 --> 00:28:57,135
  2263. which is crazy to me,
  2264. because 50 years ago,
  2265.  
  2266. 521
  2267. 00:28:57,202 --> 00:28:59,437
  2268. a ground-breaking show called <i>Laugh-In</i>
  2269.  
  2270. 522
  2271. 00:28:59,504 --> 00:29:02,006
  2272. was going farther
  2273. than I ever would have fucking dreamed of.
  2274.  
  2275. 523
  2276. 00:29:03,942 --> 00:29:06,111
  2277. <i>They're going to legalize homosexuals?</i>
  2278.  
  2279. 524
  2280. 00:29:06,478 --> 00:29:08,279
  2281. <i>Oh, no!</i>
  2282.  
  2283. 525
  2284. 00:29:08,346 --> 00:29:13,585
  2285. <i>Now that means I've got to take mine down
  2286. for a collar, a license, and shots.</i>
  2287.  
  2288. 526
  2289. 00:29:13,651 --> 00:29:15,653
  2290. <i>I have nothing against minorities,</i>
  2291.  
  2292. 527
  2293. 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,057
  2294. <i>but what happens when there's more of them
  2295. than there is of us?</i>
  2296.  
  2297. 528
  2298. 00:29:19,124 --> 00:29:22,193
  2299. <i>Please, no, um... Mexicans,</i>
  2300.  
  2301. 529
  2302. 00:29:22,627 --> 00:29:25,497
  2303. <i>Negroes, Indians, or, um...</i>
  2304.  
  2305. 530
  2306. 00:29:25,897 --> 00:29:29,667
  2307. <i>people of the, uh, Jewish... race.</i>
  2308.  
  2309. 531
  2310. 00:29:29,734 --> 00:29:31,603
  2311. Whoo!
  2312.  
  2313. 532
  2314. 00:29:31,669 --> 00:29:33,638
  2315. <i>Don't touch the contrast knob, folks.</i>
  2316.  
  2317. 533
  2318. 00:29:34,472 --> 00:29:35,472
  2319. <i>I'm colored.</i>
  2320.  
  2321. 534
  2322. 00:29:35,507 --> 00:29:39,410
  2323. <i>Did you hear the one about the two Jews
  2324. who hit this Arab with a Chinese pizza?</i>
  2325.  
  2326. 535
  2327. 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,181
  2328. <i>And there'd be no trouble
  2329. in the Middle East</i>
  2330.  
  2331. 536
  2332. 00:29:43,381 --> 00:29:45,416
  2333. <i>if only the Israelis and the Arabs</i>
  2334.  
  2335. 537
  2336. 00:29:45,483 --> 00:29:47,485
  2337. <i>would start behaving like good Christians.</i>
  2338.  
  2339. 538
  2340. 00:29:47,552 --> 00:29:50,021
  2341. <i>They don't make us sit
  2342. in the back of the bus anymore,</i>
  2343.  
  2344. 539
  2345. 00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:52,648
  2346. <i>because they found out
  2347. most of the accidents happen in the front.</i>
  2348.  
  2349. 540
  2350. 00:29:53,591 --> 00:29:56,494
  2351. <i>You know, it used to be that kids
  2352. looked up to the cop on the beat.</i>
  2353.  
  2354. 541
  2355. 00:29:56,561 --> 00:29:58,830
  2356. <i>And now they're looking
  2357. to beat up on the cop.</i>
  2358.  
  2359. 542
  2360. 00:30:00,598 --> 00:30:03,434
  2361. <i>Well, the kids in my neighborhood
  2362. still look up to the cops.</i>
  2363.  
  2364. 543
  2365. 00:30:03,501 --> 00:30:06,738
  2366. <i>I mean, when you're flat on your back,
  2367. man, you've got to look up.</i>
  2368.  
  2369. 544
  2370. 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,807
  2371. <i>We had an old-fashioned Thanksgiving.</i>
  2372.  
  2373. 545
  2374. 00:30:08,873 --> 00:30:11,442
  2375. <i>My granddaddy, the Colonel,
  2376. flew to New England</i>
  2377.  
  2378. 546
  2379. 00:30:11,509 --> 00:30:12,644
  2380. <i>and shot an Indian.</i>
  2381.  
  2382. 547
  2383. 00:30:12,710 --> 00:30:15,780
  2384. <i>Why don't you Americans
  2385. recognize the Red Chinese?</i>
  2386.  
  2387. 548
  2388. 00:30:16,347 --> 00:30:18,616
  2389. <i>Because to us, all Chinese look alike.</i>
  2390.  
  2391. 549
  2392. 00:30:19,017 --> 00:30:21,019
  2393. <i>Very interesting.</i>
  2394.  
  2395. 550
  2396. 00:30:21,085 --> 00:30:23,021
  2397. <i>I suppose you're wondering
  2398. why I asked you here.</i>
  2399.  
  2400. 551
  2401. 00:30:30,128 --> 00:30:31,128
  2402. It's crazy, right?
  2403.  
  2404. 552
  2405. 00:30:31,529 --> 00:30:34,599
  2406. I mean, if this show was on today,
  2407. every one of the writers and producers
  2408.  
  2409. 553
  2410. 00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:36,534
  2411. would be doing three to five
  2412. in Pelican Bay.
  2413.  
  2414. 554
  2415. 00:30:37,535 --> 00:30:41,439
  2416. You know, it's... I joke, but seriously,
  2417. it's not so easy being funny nowadays.
  2418.  
  2419. 555
  2420. 00:30:41,539 --> 00:30:45,009
  2421. That's why it warms my heart
  2422. to see the bold and brilliant work of art
  2423.  
  2424. 556
  2425. 00:30:45,076 --> 00:30:46,244
  2426. that <i>Laugh-In</i> was.
  2427.  
  2428. 557
  2429. 00:30:46,544 --> 00:30:47,584
  2430. Today, as a comedy writer,
  2431.  
  2432. 558
  2433. 00:30:47,645 --> 00:30:50,315
  2434. I feel more than ever,
  2435. comedy is under attack.
  2436.  
  2437. 559
  2438. 00:30:50,648 --> 00:30:52,817
  2439. The brilliant voices of Norman Lear,
  2440. my brother...
  2441.  
  2442. 560
  2443. 00:30:54,319 --> 00:30:55,420
  2444. <i>Saturday Night Live,</i>
  2445.  
  2446. 561
  2447. 00:30:55,486 --> 00:30:56,721
  2448. and of course, <i>Laugh-In,</i>
  2449.  
  2450. 562
  2451. 00:30:56,788 --> 00:30:58,990
  2452. would have a hard place
  2453. in the world we live in today.
  2454.  
  2455. 563
  2456. 00:30:59,057 --> 00:31:00,325
  2457. And that's disheartening.
  2458.  
  2459. 564
  2460. 00:31:00,625 --> 00:31:02,327
  2461. People like George Carlin,
  2462.  
  2463. 565
  2464. 00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:04,696
  2465. Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce,
  2466. Dick Gregory...
  2467.  
  2468. 566
  2469. 00:31:07,932 --> 00:31:10,201
  2470. Those... those were my heroes.
  2471.  
  2472. 567
  2473. 00:31:10,602 --> 00:31:12,637
  2474. The writers and performers
  2475. I grew up worshipping
  2476.  
  2477. 568
  2478. 00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,072
  2479. weren't just telling jokes.
  2480.  
  2481. 569
  2482. 00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:18,076
  2483. They were formalized intellectual outcries
  2484. to the country.
  2485.  
  2486. 570
  2487. 00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:21,379
  2488. They said things we all were feeling
  2489. but were afraid to say.
  2490.  
  2491. 571
  2492. 00:31:21,646 --> 00:31:23,548
  2493. And they said them in a fearless way
  2494.  
  2495. 572
  2496. 00:31:23,615 --> 00:31:26,317
  2497. that not only made people laugh,
  2498. it made them think.
  2499.  
  2500. 573
  2501. 00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:28,152
  2502. And subsequently, it changed the world.
  2503.  
  2504. 574
  2505. 00:31:28,219 --> 00:31:30,521
  2506. That's why it's so important
  2507. that we're here tonight,
  2508.  
  2509. 575
  2510. 00:31:30,588 --> 00:31:35,260
  2511. to honor the iconic show that pushed
  2512. boundaries and moved our culture forward.
  2513.  
  2514. 576
  2515. 00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:36,694
  2516. Thank you.
  2517.  
  2518. 577
  2519. 00:31:40,131 --> 00:31:42,800
  2520. <i>And now for an interesting change of pace.</i>
  2521.  
  2522. 578
  2523. 00:31:47,805 --> 00:31:48,805
  2524. Knock-knock.
  2525.  
  2526. 579
  2527. 00:31:49,107 --> 00:31:50,008
  2528. Who's there?
  2529.  
  2530. 580
  2531. 00:31:50,074 --> 00:31:51,876
  2532. Ah, go fuck yourselves.
  2533.  
  2534. 581
  2535. 00:31:52,443 --> 00:31:53,878
  2536. I do every night.
  2537.  
  2538. 582
  2539. 00:31:56,714 --> 00:31:58,116
  2540. <i>Oh, nut!</i>
  2541.  
  2542. 583
  2543. 00:31:59,450 --> 00:32:03,021
  2544. I have a problem
  2545. with my husband saying no to sex.
  2546.  
  2547. 584
  2548. 00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:06,524
  2549. Well, that's funny, because
  2550. I never had a problem with your husband.
  2551.  
  2552. 585
  2553. 00:32:07,725 --> 00:32:09,294
  2554. <i>That two-timer!</i>
  2555.  
  2556. 586
  2557. 00:32:10,395 --> 00:32:12,897
  2558. If Olivia Wilde married Kanye West,
  2559.  
  2560. 587
  2561. 00:32:12,964 --> 00:32:14,899
  2562. she'd be Olivia Wilde West.
  2563.  
  2564. 588
  2565. 00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:21,472
  2566. Hey, hey! I got to take pills
  2567. for an iron deficiency.
  2568.  
  2569. 589
  2570. 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:23,241
  2571. Are they working?
  2572.  
  2573. 590
  2574. 00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:25,877
  2575. I think so. I'm peeing rust.
  2576.  
  2577. 591
  2578. 00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:30,615
  2579. Show me a man
  2580. with both feet on the ground,
  2581.  
  2582. 592
  2583. 00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:33,051
  2584. and I'll show you someone
  2585. who's bad in bed.
  2586.  
  2587. 593
  2588. 00:32:36,821 --> 00:32:38,156
  2589. <i>My name is Edith Ann.</i>
  2590.  
  2591. 594
  2592. 00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,758
  2593. <i>But I don't have to say nothing
  2594. if I don't want to,</i>
  2595.  
  2596. 595
  2597. 00:32:40,825 --> 00:32:42,527
  2598. <i>because I'm going to have a baby.</i>
  2599.  
  2600. 596
  2601. 00:32:43,094 --> 00:32:47,298
  2602. God has a TV set,
  2603. and he binge-watches all of us on it.
  2604.  
  2605. 597
  2606. 00:32:47,699 --> 00:32:50,001
  2607. Whenever I think He is watching me,
  2608.  
  2609. 598
  2610. 00:32:50,401 --> 00:32:53,705
  2611. I always sing and dance
  2612. and do a commercial for myself.
  2613.  
  2614. 599
  2615. 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:57,542
  2616. And any day now,
  2617. I expect to get my own show.
  2618.  
  2619. 600
  2620. 00:32:58,476 --> 00:32:59,310
  2621. Yes.
  2622.  
  2623. 601
  2624. 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:04,048
  2625. Whoa.
  2626.  
  2627. 602
  2628. 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,188
  2629. Hi.
  2630.  
  2631. 603
  2632. 00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:12,489
  2633. Hello.
  2634.  
  2635. 604
  2636. 00:33:12,623 --> 00:33:14,859
  2637. I am the fabled Fred Farkel,
  2638.  
  2639. 605
  2640. 00:33:15,059 --> 00:33:20,098
  2641. and I am so flattered to be part
  2642. of this fun and fantastic, fine night.
  2643.  
  2644. 606
  2645. 00:33:20,431 --> 00:33:24,769
  2646. If you're not familiar with me,
  2647. feast your eyes on this fab film.
  2648.  
  2649. 607
  2650. 00:33:27,972 --> 00:33:29,640
  2651. <i>Hold on, folk.</i>
  2652.  
  2653. 608
  2654. 00:33:29,707 --> 00:33:32,310
  2655. <i>Once again, it's time
  2656. for another visit with the...</i>
  2657.  
  2658. 609
  2659. 00:33:32,844 --> 00:33:35,013
  2660. <i>fabulous, friendly Farkel family.</i>
  2661.  
  2662. 610
  2663. 00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:36,614
  2664. - <i>What?!
  2665. - Farkel?</i>
  2666.  
  2667. 611
  2668. 00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:37,949
  2669. <i>People with red hair.</i>
  2670.  
  2671. 612
  2672. 00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:39,884
  2673. <i>- I'm Frank Farkel.
  2674. - I'm Fanny Farkel.</i>
  2675.  
  2676. 613
  2677. 00:33:39,951 --> 00:33:41,853
  2678. <i>- I'm Mark Farkel.
  2679. - I'm Sparkle Farkel.</i>
  2680.  
  2681. 614
  2682. 00:33:41,919 --> 00:33:44,122
  2683. <i>- I'm Smarty Farkel.
  2684. - I'm Artie Farkel.</i>
  2685.  
  2686. 615
  2687. 00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:45,056
  2688. <i>And we're the twins.</i>
  2689.  
  2690. 616
  2691. 00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:46,324
  2692. <i>- Simon...
  2693. - And Gar Farkel.</i>
  2694.  
  2695. 617
  2696. 00:33:46,391 --> 00:33:47,258
  2697. <i>- Simon...
  2698. - And Gar.</i>
  2699.  
  2700. 618
  2701. 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:48,760
  2702. <i>We're the Farkel twins.</i>
  2703.  
  2704. 619
  2705. 00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:50,495
  2706. <i>And of course, her.</i>
  2707.  
  2708. 620
  2709. 00:33:50,561 --> 00:33:52,063
  2710. <i>- Hi!
  2711. - Flicker Farkel.</i>
  2712.  
  2713. 621
  2714. 00:33:53,164 --> 00:33:55,900
  2715. <i>And this is our dear friend
  2716. and trusted neighbor, Ferd Berfel.</i>
  2717.  
  2718. 622
  2719. 00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:56,801
  2720. <i>Ferd Berfel.</i>
  2721.  
  2722. 623
  2723. 00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:58,569
  2724. <i>- Hello, Ferd.
  2725. - Hello, Frank.</i>
  2726.  
  2727. 624
  2728. 00:33:58,636 --> 00:34:01,606
  2729. <i>A fine-looking family
  2730. you got there, Frank.</i>
  2731.  
  2732. 625
  2733. 00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:03,074
  2734. <i>Thanks, Ferd.</i>
  2735.  
  2736. 626
  2737. 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:06,611
  2738. <i>Well, what's going to happen next?</i>
  2739.  
  2740. 627
  2741. 00:34:06,944 --> 00:34:09,280
  2742. <i>How come all the Farkel children...</i>
  2743.  
  2744. 628
  2745. 00:34:09,347 --> 00:34:10,381
  2746. <i>They certainly do.</i>
  2747.  
  2748. 629
  2749. 00:34:14,385 --> 00:34:17,722
  2750. <i>That's a fine-looking family of Farkels
  2751. you got there, Ferd.</i>
  2752.  
  2753. 630
  2754. 00:34:17,789 --> 00:34:20,091
  2755. <i>Ferd's a Berfel. We're Farkels.</i>
  2756.  
  2757. 631
  2758. 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,038
  2759. <i>Oh, yes, of course they are. Of course.
  2760. I should have seen it right away.</i>
  2761.  
  2762. 632
  2763. 00:34:23,094 --> 00:34:24,734
  2764. <i>They're the spitting image of you, Frank.</i>
  2765.  
  2766. 633
  2767. 00:34:24,762 --> 00:34:27,098
  2768. <i>Well, as my brother Paul
  2769. in Pittsburgh says,</i>
  2770.  
  2771. 634
  2772. 00:34:27,165 --> 00:34:29,233
  2773. <i>you can't tell a Farkel by its cover,</i>
  2774.  
  2775. 635
  2776. 00:34:29,300 --> 00:34:32,470
  2777. <i>so Ferd unto others
  2778. as you would have them Farkel onto you.</i>
  2779.  
  2780. 636
  2781. 00:34:32,537 --> 00:34:34,105
  2782. <i>♪ Do the Farkel ♪</i>
  2783.  
  2784. 637
  2785. 00:34:34,172 --> 00:34:35,773
  2786. <i>♪ Do the Farkel ♪</i>
  2787.  
  2788. 638
  2789. 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:40,578
  2790. <i>♪ And we'll Fark, Fark, Fark, Fark, Farkle
  2791. Daylight till dark ♪</i>
  2792.  
  2793. 639
  2794. 00:34:46,517 --> 00:34:48,986
  2795. <i>A Farkel a day keeps the Berfel away.</i>
  2796.  
  2797. 640
  2798. 00:34:54,625 --> 00:34:56,294
  2799. Key of G! Hit it!
  2800.  
  2801. 641
  2802. 00:34:58,563 --> 00:35:00,131
  2803. Ah, suckers!
  2804.  
  2805. 642
  2806. 00:35:07,705 --> 00:35:09,240
  2807. That was wacky.
  2808.  
  2809. 643
  2810. 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:12,743
  2811. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
  2812. Michael Douglas.
  2813.  
  2814. 644
  2815. 00:35:14,412 --> 00:35:15,412
  2816. Thank you.
  2817.  
  2818. 645
  2819. 00:35:15,913 --> 00:35:17,615
  2820. Hey, thanks. Thank you.
  2821.  
  2822. 646
  2823. 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:21,018
  2824. Thank you. Thank you very much.
  2825.  
  2826. 647
  2827. 00:35:22,386 --> 00:35:23,921
  2828. When <i>Laugh-In</i> premiered,
  2829.  
  2830. 648
  2831. 00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,925
  2832. I was studying drama at the University
  2833. of California, Santa Barbara.
  2834.  
  2835. 649
  2836. 00:35:28,426 --> 00:35:32,163
  2837. And so, with its hilarious take
  2838. on politics and cultural references,
  2839.  
  2840. 650
  2841. 00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:34,599
  2842. and I mean all types of culture,
  2843.  
  2844. 651
  2845. 00:35:34,999 --> 00:35:37,401
  2846. it hit the right note with my crowd.
  2847.  
  2848. 652
  2849. 00:35:38,202 --> 00:35:40,905
  2850. And I noticed
  2851. that all of the cool people in Hollywood
  2852.  
  2853. 653
  2854. 00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:43,774
  2855. were making appearances on the show, so,
  2856.  
  2857. 654
  2858. 00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:48,446
  2859. when I got back home,
  2860. I told my dad, Kirk, about it.
  2861.  
  2862. 655
  2863. 00:35:49,347 --> 00:35:52,884
  2864. Now, keep in mind
  2865. that my dad had just played <i>Spartacus.</i>
  2866.  
  2867. 656
  2868. 00:35:53,851 --> 00:35:57,588
  2869. And at that time, that was about
  2870. as cool as you could get, all right,
  2871.  
  2872. 657
  2873. 00:35:57,955 --> 00:35:59,724
  2874. but he had not done <i>Laugh-In.</i>
  2875.  
  2876. 658
  2877. 00:36:00,024 --> 00:36:03,027
  2878. And I told him
  2879. if he wanted to be really cool,
  2880.  
  2881. 659
  2882. 00:36:03,227 --> 00:36:05,029
  2883. he should pick up the phone
  2884.  
  2885. 660
  2886. 00:36:05,096 --> 00:36:06,898
  2887. and call George Schlatter.
  2888.  
  2889. 661
  2890. 00:36:07,899 --> 00:36:09,767
  2891. And here's what happened.
  2892.  
  2893. 662
  2894. 00:36:12,303 --> 00:36:15,406
  2895. <i>Look it's...
  2896. No, look so they can see.</i>
  2897.  
  2898. 663
  2899. 00:36:15,473 --> 00:36:18,042
  2900. <i>That's him. And look at the Molexander,
  2901. right there!</i>
  2902.  
  2903. 664
  2904. 00:36:19,310 --> 00:36:20,778
  2905. <i>My mother will be so happy.</i>
  2906.  
  2907. 665
  2908. 00:36:21,379 --> 00:36:24,615
  2909. <i>You know,
  2910. if Kirk Douglas married Phyllis Kirk,</i>
  2911.  
  2912. 666
  2913. 00:36:24,682 --> 00:36:28,052
  2914. <i>and she divorced him
  2915. and married Douglas Fairbanks Jr.,</i>
  2916.  
  2917. 667
  2918. 00:36:28,252 --> 00:36:30,521
  2919. <i>and married Justice William O. Douglas,</i>
  2920.  
  2921. 668
  2922. 00:36:30,588 --> 00:36:34,091
  2923. <i>she'd be Phyllis
  2924. Kirk-Kirk-Douglas-Douglas-Douglas.</i>
  2925.  
  2926. 669
  2927. 00:36:34,825 --> 00:36:35,893
  2928. <i>Sock it to me!</i>
  2929.  
  2930. 670
  2931. 00:36:36,327 --> 00:36:37,662
  2932. <i>Sock it to me!</i>
  2933.  
  2934. 671
  2935. 00:36:38,062 --> 00:36:39,597
  2936. <i>Sock it to me!</i>
  2937.  
  2938. 672
  2939. 00:36:39,964 --> 00:36:43,167
  2940. <i>Hey, who do I have to be nice to
  2941. to get off this show?</i>
  2942.  
  2943. 673
  2944. 00:36:46,404 --> 00:36:47,838
  2945. Sock it to me.
  2946.  
  2947. 674
  2948. 00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:52,543
  2949. So all these years later,
  2950. he's glad he did the show,
  2951.  
  2952. 675
  2953. 00:36:52,977 --> 00:36:55,546
  2954. but Dad wasn't
  2955. the only Academy Award winner
  2956.  
  2957. 676
  2958. 00:36:55,613 --> 00:36:59,917
  2959. to grace the multicolored stage
  2960. in beautiful downtown Burbank.
  2961.  
  2962. 677
  2963. 00:37:00,451 --> 00:37:05,456
  2964. Here are some of the more famous members
  2965. of the elite Oscar club.
  2966.  
  2967. 678
  2968. 00:37:09,794 --> 00:37:13,698
  2969. <i>Our special guest is a young lady
  2970. who used to be a regular on this show.</i>
  2971.  
  2972. 679
  2973. 00:37:13,764 --> 00:37:16,000
  2974. <i>She went on to become an Oscar winner.</i>
  2975.  
  2976. 680
  2977. 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:19,804
  2978. <i>I'd like to thank all the little people
  2979. who stood in my way</i>
  2980.  
  2981. 681
  2982. 00:37:19,870 --> 00:37:21,872
  2983. <i>before I pushed them aside.</i>
  2984.  
  2985. 682
  2986. 00:37:21,939 --> 00:37:24,408
  2987. <i>What will you do
  2988. if you don't win the Academy Award?</i>
  2989.  
  2990. 683
  2991. 00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:27,812
  2992. <i>Oh, nothing unusual. There's been
  2993. a lot of suicides in my family.</i>
  2994.  
  2995. 684
  2996. 00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:31,325
  2997. <i>Michael, tell me confidentially,
  2998. what do you really think of </i>Laugh-In?
  2999.  
  3000. 685
  3001. 00:37:31,349 --> 00:37:35,119
  3002. <i>Well, actually, it's rather like cricket.
  3003. No one seems to understand it.</i>
  3004.  
  3005. 686
  3006. 00:37:35,186 --> 00:37:37,588
  3007. <i>I'm so happy to be here,
  3008. I could drop a log.</i>
  3009.  
  3010. 687
  3011. 00:37:39,690 --> 00:37:41,292
  3012. <i>Mr. Welles, this is so...</i>
  3013.  
  3014. 688
  3015. 00:37:41,359 --> 00:37:42,560
  3016. <i>I... This is the... I want...</i>
  3017.  
  3018. 689
  3019. 00:37:42,627 --> 00:37:44,771
  3020. <i>You know what? I'm so excited.
  3021. The thing about it is...</i>
  3022.  
  3023. 690
  3024. 00:37:44,795 --> 00:37:47,474
  3025. <i>when I used to listen to you on the radio,
  3026. when you were</i> The Shadow...
  3027.  
  3028. 691
  3029. 00:37:47,498 --> 00:37:48,966
  3030. <i>There's an odd couple.</i>
  3031.  
  3032. 692
  3033. 00:37:49,333 --> 00:37:51,035
  3034. <i>What do you mean, they said I was short?</i>
  3035.  
  3036. 693
  3037. 00:37:52,403 --> 00:37:55,673
  3038. <i>You know, do what you...
  3039. You know, when you used to...</i>
  3040.  
  3041. 694
  3042. 00:37:55,740 --> 00:37:56,807
  3043. <i>You would...</i>
  3044.  
  3045. 695
  3046. 00:37:56,874 --> 00:37:59,110
  3047. <i>I'm a star! I'm a hit!</i>
  3048.  
  3049. 696
  3050. 00:38:01,712 --> 00:38:02,580
  3051. <i>I'm a maid.</i>
  3052.  
  3053. 697
  3054. 00:38:02,647 --> 00:38:03,647
  3055. <i>Teresa,</i>
  3056.  
  3057. 698
  3058. 00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:05,182
  3059. <i>I think I love you.</i>
  3060.  
  3061. 699
  3062. 00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:06,717
  3063. <i>You're in a lot of trouble.</i>
  3064.  
  3065. 700
  3066. 00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:07,985
  3067. <i>That was a quickie.</i>
  3068.  
  3069. 701
  3070. 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,998
  3071. <i>John and I have never been able
  3072. to check into a hotel in this country.</i>
  3073.  
  3074. 702
  3075. 00:38:11,022 --> 00:38:12,256
  3076. - <i>Oh, pity.
  3077. - Yes.</i>
  3078.  
  3079. 703
  3080. 00:38:12,323 --> 00:38:15,192
  3081. <i>See, the minute I sign the register
  3082. "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith"...</i>
  3083.  
  3084. 704
  3085. 00:38:15,259 --> 00:38:16,494
  3086. <i>Right out.</i>
  3087.  
  3088. 705
  3089. 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,397
  3090. <i>I've worked in every phase
  3091. of show business,</i>
  3092.  
  3093. 706
  3094. 00:38:19,497 --> 00:38:20,898
  3095. <i>legitimate theater,</i>
  3096.  
  3097. 707
  3098. 00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:23,034
  3099. <i>films, television,</i>
  3100.  
  3101. 708
  3102. 00:38:23,100 --> 00:38:24,902
  3103. <i>now... this.</i>
  3104.  
  3105. 709
  3106. 00:38:25,436 --> 00:38:27,638
  3107. <i>Due to circumstances beyond my control,</i>
  3108.  
  3109. 710
  3110. 00:38:27,705 --> 00:38:29,640
  3111. Laugh-In<i> will return in just a moment.</i>
  3112.  
  3113. 711
  3114. 00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:33,511
  3115. Will Bill Maher give someone the finger?
  3116.  
  3117. 712
  3118. 00:38:33,577 --> 00:38:36,847
  3119. Will Snoop Dogg light up the joint?
  3120.  
  3121. 713
  3122. 00:38:36,914 --> 00:38:41,218
  3123. Will Neil Patrick Harris ever get
  3124. the chance to finish his song?
  3125.  
  3126. 714
  3127. 00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:45,690
  3128. How the hell should I know the answers
  3129. to these burning questions?
  3130.  
  3131. 715
  3132. 00:38:52,229 --> 00:38:55,366
  3133. Yesterday I tried
  3134. a do-it-yourself bikini wax.
  3135.  
  3136. 716
  3137. 00:38:55,433 --> 00:38:56,300
  3138. Tell me more.
  3139.  
  3140. 717
  3141. 00:38:56,367 --> 00:38:58,135
  3142. Well, there's nothing left to tell.
  3143.  
  3144. 718
  3145. 00:39:03,207 --> 00:39:05,609
  3146. <i>Oh, my feet wouldn't stop.</i>
  3147.  
  3148. 719
  3149. 00:39:08,212 --> 00:39:10,781
  3150. Show me a drunken white supremacist,
  3151.  
  3152. 720
  3153. 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:14,752
  3154. and I'll show you a man
  3155. who's four sheets to the wind.
  3156.  
  3157. 721
  3158. 00:39:14,819 --> 00:39:16,287
  3159. What the fuck does that mean?
  3160.  
  3161. 722
  3162. 00:39:20,291 --> 00:39:22,393
  3163. So, how's the show going so far?
  3164.  
  3165. 723
  3166. 00:39:22,893 --> 00:39:24,628
  3167. Great, if you skip this part.
  3168.  
  3169. 724
  3170. 00:39:28,799 --> 00:39:30,544
  3171. <i>You know,
  3172. my wife just doesn't understand me.</i>
  3173.  
  3174. 725
  3175. 00:39:30,568 --> 00:39:32,770
  3176. <i>Oh, you married men are all the same.</i>
  3177.  
  3178. 726
  3179. 00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:35,539
  3180. <i>No, I mean it, she doesn't understand me.
  3181. She's Swahili.</i>
  3182.  
  3183. 727
  3184. 00:39:38,743 --> 00:39:42,513
  3185. The President was right
  3186. about creating more jobs.
  3187.  
  3188. 728
  3189. 00:39:42,913 --> 00:39:44,081
  3190. Too bad for him,
  3191.  
  3192. 729
  3193. 00:39:44,281 --> 00:39:47,385
  3194. the jobs are all
  3195. in the Special Prosecutor's office.
  3196.  
  3197. 730
  3198. 00:39:52,156 --> 00:39:54,925
  3199. <i>And now, as part
  3200. of the educational section of our program,</i>
  3201.  
  3202. 731
  3203. 00:39:54,992 --> 00:39:58,963
  3204. <i>here's Goldie Hawn who will explain to you
  3205. what it means when you hear the term,</i>
  3206.  
  3207. 732
  3208. 00:39:59,029 --> 00:40:00,931
  3209. <i>"This show is pre-recorded."</i>
  3210.  
  3211. 733
  3212. 00:40:01,532 --> 00:40:04,668
  3213. <i>If this show were live,
  3214. I'd be standing here talking to you now,</i>
  3215.  
  3216. 734
  3217. 00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:06,470
  3218. <i>but I'm not. I'm here weeks ago.</i>
  3219.  
  3220. 735
  3221. 00:40:06,537 --> 00:40:08,506
  3222. <i>That means that this show
  3223. is done a long time</i>
  3224.  
  3225. 736
  3226. 00:40:08,572 --> 00:40:10,241
  3227. <i>before I do it in front of you.</i>
  3228.  
  3229. 737
  3230. 00:40:10,307 --> 00:40:12,576
  3231. <i>As a matter of fact,
  3232. I should be in Pittsburgh right now.</i>
  3233.  
  3234. 738
  3235. 00:40:12,643 --> 00:40:15,613
  3236. <i>I could be, except it's too cold,
  3237. and anyway, I'm home.</i>
  3238.  
  3239. 739
  3240. 00:40:15,679 --> 00:40:18,115
  3241. <i>But I can't...
  3242. You can't see me because I'm here.</i>
  3243.  
  3244. 740
  3245. 00:40:18,182 --> 00:40:19,283
  3246. <i>I thank you.</i>
  3247.  
  3248. 741
  3249. 00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,752
  3250. <i>Actually, I'm not thanking you now,
  3251. but a long time ago,</i>
  3252.  
  3253. 742
  3254. 00:40:21,819 --> 00:40:23,320
  3255. <i>so I should say thanked you.</i>
  3256.  
  3257. 743
  3258. 00:40:23,521 --> 00:40:24,522
  3259. <i>I've thanked you.</i>
  3260.  
  3261. 744
  3262. 00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:26,490
  3263. <i>Thank...</i>
  3264.  
  3265. 745
  3266. 00:40:26,557 --> 00:40:28,759
  3267. Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
  3268.  
  3269. 746
  3270. 00:40:28,859 --> 00:40:31,595
  3271. here are Chelsea Handler
  3272. and Mary McCormack.
  3273.  
  3274. 747
  3275. 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,135
  3276. It's so great to be here with another...
  3277.  
  3278. 748
  3279. 00:40:38,602 --> 00:40:39,937
  3280. fellow funny lady.
  3281.  
  3282. 749
  3283. 00:40:40,004 --> 00:40:41,071
  3284. Thank you, thank you.
  3285.  
  3286. 750
  3287. 00:40:41,138 --> 00:40:43,507
  3288. There are so many amazing women
  3289. here tonight
  3290.  
  3291. 751
  3292. 00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:45,342
  3293. paying tribute to<i> Laugh-In,</i>
  3294.  
  3295. 752
  3296. 00:40:45,409 --> 00:40:48,012
  3297. - and it really, really makes me smile.
  3298. - Me, too.
  3299.  
  3300. 753
  3301. 00:40:48,078 --> 00:40:52,016
  3302. But it would be wrong
  3303. to celebrate the women of <i>Laugh-In</i>
  3304.  
  3305. 754
  3306. 00:40:52,082 --> 00:40:56,787
  3307. without mentioning how groundbreaking
  3308. the show was when it came to sexism.
  3309.  
  3310. 755
  3311. 00:40:56,854 --> 00:41:01,826
  3312. Yes, <i>Laugh-In</i> defied that stupid,
  3313. sexist stereotype that has persisted
  3314.  
  3315. 756
  3316. 00:41:02,159 --> 00:41:03,861
  3317. and gone on to this day,
  3318.  
  3319. 757
  3320. 00:41:03,928 --> 00:41:06,397
  3321. that silly idea that men aren't funny.
  3322.  
  3323. 758
  3324. 00:41:08,732 --> 00:41:10,835
  3325. "Men aren't funny"...
  3326.  
  3327. 759
  3328. 00:41:11,802 --> 00:41:14,972
  3329. has been a poisonous idea
  3330. for centuries now.
  3331.  
  3332. 760
  3333. 00:41:15,940 --> 00:41:18,919
  3334. - Because of course men are funny, right?
  3335. - I mean, not all of them are funny.
  3336.  
  3337. 761
  3338. 00:41:18,943 --> 00:41:19,777
  3339. No, not all.
  3340.  
  3341. 762
  3342. 00:41:19,844 --> 00:41:22,146
  3343. We found out some pretty bad stuff
  3344. over the last year.
  3345.  
  3346. 763
  3347. 00:41:22,213 --> 00:41:24,482
  3348. I mean, a couple guys
  3349. masturbated into plants.
  3350.  
  3351. 764
  3352. 00:41:24,548 --> 00:41:26,917
  3353. - It wasn't great.
  3354. - So, those guys aren't fucking funny.
  3355.  
  3356. 765
  3357. 00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,553
  3358. - No, it wasn't great.
  3359. - But there are guys that are funny-funny.
  3360.  
  3361. 766
  3362. 00:41:29,620 --> 00:41:31,188
  3363. Yeah. I mean,<i> Laugh-In</i> knew that.
  3364.  
  3365. 767
  3366. 00:41:31,255 --> 00:41:34,592
  3367. They knew that men had the potential
  3368. to be funny.
  3369.  
  3370. 768
  3371. 00:41:35,326 --> 00:41:40,130
  3372. And although a lot of people said,
  3373. "Funny men?" in 1968...
  3374.  
  3375. 769
  3376. 00:41:40,464 --> 00:41:41,398
  3377. Too soon.
  3378.  
  3379. 770
  3380. 00:41:43,767 --> 00:41:46,103
  3381. - It was so unfair.
  3382. - It really was unfair.
  3383.  
  3384. 771
  3385. 00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:50,040
  3386. But <i>Laugh-In,</i> like a lot of men,
  3387. wouldn't take no for an answer.
  3388.  
  3389. 772
  3390. 00:41:55,980 --> 00:41:57,615
  3391. In the end, it all worked out,
  3392.  
  3393. 773
  3394. 00:41:57,681 --> 00:42:00,117
  3395. and men got a chance
  3396. to show they could compete.
  3397.  
  3398. 774
  3399. 00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:01,485
  3400. And be on a show...
  3401.  
  3402. 775
  3403. 00:42:02,152 --> 00:42:05,256
  3404. with these amazing ladies.
  3405.  
  3406. 776
  3407. 00:42:11,495 --> 00:42:12,495
  3408. <i>Women.</i>
  3409.  
  3410. 777
  3411. 00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:14,131
  3412. <i>Women, indeed.</i>
  3413.  
  3414. 778
  3415. 00:42:14,198 --> 00:42:16,233
  3416. <i>What I think about women is,</i>
  3417.  
  3418. 779
  3419. 00:42:16,300 --> 00:42:19,703
  3420. <i>because first, the men...
  3421. The thing is, they're so... The thing is...</i>
  3422.  
  3423. 780
  3424. 00:42:19,770 --> 00:42:22,773
  3425. <i>It's great, but they're so...
  3426. They're so... The thing is...</i>
  3427.  
  3428. 781
  3429. 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,552
  3430. <i>Sometimes, and if you walk in,
  3431. you walk down, and sometimes you see...</i>
  3432.  
  3433. 782
  3434. 00:42:25,576 --> 00:42:29,313
  3435. <i>You wanna be... If you're a little flirta...
  3436. You walk in and say, you give a little hi.</i>
  3437.  
  3438. 783
  3439. 00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:33,317
  3440. <i>♪ How can I be
  3441. A little bit more like you ♪</i>
  3442.  
  3443. 784
  3444. 00:42:33,784 --> 00:42:34,919
  3445. <i>♪ Miss Welch? ♪</i>
  3446.  
  3447. 785
  3448. 00:42:34,985 --> 00:42:37,421
  3449. <i>- Try a sexy walk.
  3450. - Walk!</i>
  3451.  
  3452. 786
  3453. 00:42:37,488 --> 00:42:39,523
  3454. <i>- Come on, Gladys, let's get it together.
  3455. - Okay.</i>
  3456.  
  3457. 787
  3458. 00:42:40,491 --> 00:42:41,725
  3459. <i>I told you I got it.</i>
  3460.  
  3461. 788
  3462. 00:42:42,293 --> 00:42:43,360
  3463. <i>Yes.</i>
  3464.  
  3465. 789
  3466. 00:42:43,427 --> 00:42:45,095
  3467. <i>And I think I got it, too.</i>
  3468.  
  3469. 790
  3470. 00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:50,401
  3471. <i>Hello. I'm your Judy doll.</i>
  3472.  
  3473. 791
  3474. 00:42:50,668 --> 00:42:52,036
  3475. <i>You can play catch with me.</i>
  3476.  
  3477. 792
  3478. 00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:53,737
  3479. <i>You can play house with me.</i>
  3480.  
  3481. 793
  3482. 00:42:53,804 --> 00:42:56,607
  3483. <i>But try to play doctor with me,
  3484. and I'll break your face.</i>
  3485.  
  3486. 794
  3487. 00:42:56,674 --> 00:42:58,275
  3488. <i>Oh! Oh!</i>
  3489.  
  3490. 795
  3491. 00:42:58,342 --> 00:43:00,110
  3492. <i>- You know, Dan?
  3493. - Hmm?</i>
  3494.  
  3495. 796
  3496. 00:43:00,177 --> 00:43:01,946
  3497. <i>it's awful lonely at the top.</i>
  3498.  
  3499. 797
  3500. 00:43:03,948 --> 00:43:06,016
  3501. <i>♪ It's lucky to be a woman ♪</i>
  3502.  
  3503. 798
  3504. 00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,185
  3505. <i>♪ Whenever a crime occurs ♪</i>
  3506.  
  3507. 799
  3508. 00:43:08,285 --> 00:43:10,854
  3509. <i>♪ But, honey, the law is on our ♪</i>
  3510.  
  3511. 800
  3512. 00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:12,957
  3513. <i>♪ Sweetie, the law is on our ♪</i>
  3514.  
  3515. 801
  3516. 00:43:13,324 --> 00:43:15,259
  3517. <i>♪ Darlin', the law is on our ♪</i>
  3518.  
  3519. 802
  3520. 00:43:15,326 --> 00:43:17,161
  3521. <i>♪ Here is the truth
  3522. The whole damn truth ♪</i>
  3523.  
  3524. 803
  3525. 00:43:17,227 --> 00:43:19,363
  3526. <i>♪ And nothing but the truth ♪</i>
  3527.  
  3528. 804
  3529. 00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:25,002
  3530. Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse
  3531. on the other side of town,
  3532.  
  3533. 805
  3534. 00:43:25,069 --> 00:43:27,304
  3535. please welcome Billy Crystal.
  3536.  
  3537. 806
  3538. 00:43:27,471 --> 00:43:28,505
  3539. Thank you.
  3540.  
  3541. 807
  3542. 00:43:34,111 --> 00:43:36,013
  3543. Thank you. Thanks for staying.
  3544. I was, uh...
  3545.  
  3546. 808
  3547. 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:37,948
  3548. I was clean-shaven when this started.
  3549.  
  3550. 809
  3551. 00:43:42,786 --> 00:43:44,855
  3552. Now every week on <i>Laugh-In,</i>
  3553. Dan, Dick, and the cast
  3554.  
  3555. 810
  3556. 00:43:44,922 --> 00:43:47,358
  3557. made fun of the ridiculous,
  3558. the incomprehensible,
  3559.  
  3560. 811
  3561. 00:43:47,424 --> 00:43:49,293
  3562. the stupid, and the corrupt.
  3563.  
  3564. 812
  3565. 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,061
  3566. In other words, Washington.
  3567.  
  3568. 813
  3569. 00:43:52,062 --> 00:43:53,840
  3570. Now, it's one of the great strengths
  3571. of our country
  3572.  
  3573. 814
  3574. 00:43:53,864 --> 00:43:55,909
  3575. that we're allowed to laugh
  3576. at our political leaders,
  3577.  
  3578. 815
  3579. 00:43:55,933 --> 00:43:57,935
  3580. and they've always been able to take it,
  3581.  
  3582. 816
  3583. 00:43:58,335 --> 00:43:59,336
  3584. until now.
  3585.  
  3586. 817
  3587. 00:44:00,571 --> 00:44:02,339
  3588. I mean, can you imagine President Trump?
  3589.  
  3590. 818
  3591. 00:44:02,406 --> 00:44:04,341
  3592. 'Cause I can't. I just still can't.
  3593.  
  3594. 819
  3595. 00:44:04,842 --> 00:44:05,676
  3596. And...
  3597.  
  3598. 820
  3599. 00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,080
  3600. It feels like...
  3601.  
  3602. 821
  3603. 00:44:11,315 --> 00:44:15,052
  3604. It actually feels like I'm directing
  3605. a movie about the government,
  3606.  
  3607. 822
  3608. 00:44:15,119 --> 00:44:18,188
  3609. and they cut to the Oval Office
  3610. and he's there, and I want to go,
  3611.  
  3612. 823
  3613. 00:44:18,255 --> 00:44:19,890
  3614. "Cut, cut, cut. Who is this?
  3615.  
  3616. 824
  3617. 00:44:21,792 --> 00:44:23,060
  3618. First team, please."
  3619.  
  3620. 825
  3621. 00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:25,195
  3622. But can you imagine if...
  3623.  
  3624. 826
  3625. 00:44:28,065 --> 00:44:30,734
  3626. I was backstage a long time.
  3627. I'm just getting relaxed.
  3628.  
  3629. 827
  3630. 00:44:32,002 --> 00:44:36,440
  3631. Can you imagine his tweets
  3632. if <i>Laugh-In</i> were on the air today?
  3633.  
  3634. 828
  3635. 00:44:37,541 --> 00:44:40,310
  3636. It might go something like this.
  3637.  
  3638. 829
  3639. 00:44:40,711 --> 00:44:41,645
  3640. "Hey, <i>Laugh-In.</i>
  3641.  
  3642. 830
  3643. 00:44:41,712 --> 00:44:44,081
  3644. The only thing I like
  3645. is the German Soldier.
  3646.  
  3647. 831
  3648. 00:44:51,789 --> 00:44:54,091
  3649. There were funny people on both sides.
  3650.  
  3651. 832
  3652. 00:44:55,559 --> 00:44:58,162
  3653. #TomorrowBelongsToMe."
  3654.  
  3655. 833
  3656. 00:45:01,098 --> 00:45:02,533
  3657. "Hey, failing <i>Laugh-In,</i>
  3658.  
  3659. 834
  3660. 00:45:02,833 --> 00:45:04,568
  3661. if you're gonna have bikinis on the show,
  3662.  
  3663. 835
  3664. 00:45:04,635 --> 00:45:08,072
  3665. you're going to want people
  3666. with big breasts like Stormy Daniels or...
  3667.  
  3668. 836
  3669. 00:45:13,043 --> 00:45:14,244
  3670. Or Chris Christie."
  3671.  
  3672. 837
  3673. 00:45:17,014 --> 00:45:17,881
  3674. "Hey, Dan and Dick.
  3675.  
  3676. 838
  3677. 00:45:17,948 --> 00:45:20,551
  3678. Stop threatening me
  3679. with the 'Here come da judge' line.
  3680.  
  3681. 839
  3682. 00:45:20,617 --> 00:45:21,819
  3683. I know what you're up to.
  3684.  
  3685. 840
  3686. 00:45:21,885 --> 00:45:24,054
  3687. #LeftySocialistBullshit."
  3688.  
  3689. 841
  3690. 00:45:28,692 --> 00:45:29,793
  3691. "Hey, <i>Laugh-In.</i>
  3692.  
  3693. 842
  3694. 00:45:29,860 --> 00:45:32,329
  3695. I like the joke wall. Walls work!
  3696.  
  3697. 843
  3698. 00:45:35,199 --> 00:45:37,234
  3699. Let me ask, did Mexico pay for it?
  3700.  
  3701. 844
  3702. 00:45:37,301 --> 00:45:39,002
  3703. Look I'm already wittier than you.
  3704.  
  3705. 845
  3706. 00:45:39,069 --> 00:45:41,705
  3707. #PhunniestPresidentEver."
  3708.  
  3709. 846
  3710. 00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:43,107
  3711. Oh, jeez.
  3712.  
  3713. 847
  3714. 00:45:44,341 --> 00:45:45,341
  3715. Now...
  3716.  
  3717. 848
  3718. 00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:48,512
  3719. probably the most famous political moment
  3720. on <i>Laugh-In</i>
  3721.  
  3722. 849
  3723. 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:50,347
  3724. was in 1968,
  3725.  
  3726. 850
  3727. 00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:53,984
  3728. when Richard Nixon came on the show
  3729. and uttered just four words.
  3730.  
  3731. 851
  3732. 00:45:54,051 --> 00:45:57,921
  3733. And when you watch it,
  3734. watch his inflection and his rhythm,
  3735.  
  3736. 852
  3737. 00:45:57,988 --> 00:46:01,091
  3738. and it'll tell you everything
  3739. you need to know about that guy.
  3740.  
  3741. 853
  3742. 00:46:01,158 --> 00:46:02,993
  3743. Now, his opponent was Hubert Humphrey,
  3744.  
  3745. 854
  3746. 00:46:03,060 --> 00:46:06,130
  3747. and Hubert Humphrey was given
  3748. the same offer to be on the show,
  3749.  
  3750. 855
  3751. 00:46:06,196 --> 00:46:07,865
  3752. but Mr. Humphrey declined.
  3753.  
  3754. 856
  3755. 00:46:08,298 --> 00:46:10,367
  3756. Nixon narrowly wins,
  3757.  
  3758. 857
  3759. 00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:12,236
  3760. and many experts to this day
  3761.  
  3762. 858
  3763. 00:46:12,569 --> 00:46:15,606
  3764. believe it was that moment on prime time
  3765. on <i>Laugh-In</i>
  3766.  
  3767. 859
  3768. 00:46:15,672 --> 00:46:18,008
  3769. in front of 40 million people
  3770.  
  3771. 860
  3772. 00:46:18,308 --> 00:46:19,676
  3773. that made the difference,
  3774.  
  3775. 861
  3776. 00:46:19,743 --> 00:46:22,846
  3777. and that put Richard Nixon
  3778. in the White House.
  3779.  
  3780. 862
  3781. 00:46:22,913 --> 00:46:23,913
  3782. <i>Laugh-In,</i>
  3783.  
  3784. 863
  3785. 00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:25,281
  3786. fuck you.
  3787.  
  3788. 864
  3789. 00:46:31,388 --> 00:46:33,157
  3790. <i>Sock it to me?</i>
  3791.  
  3792. 865
  3793. 00:46:33,223 --> 00:46:36,360
  3794. <i>If the war between the administration
  3795. and the news media gets any worse,</i>
  3796.  
  3797. 866
  3798. 00:46:36,426 --> 00:46:39,930
  3799. <i>the President may demand total withdrawal
  3800. of reporters from Washington.</i>
  3801.  
  3802. 867
  3803. 00:46:40,898 --> 00:46:43,267
  3804. <i>Of course, the reporters may request
  3805. that he accompany them.</i>
  3806.  
  3807. 868
  3808. 00:46:43,333 --> 00:46:45,769
  3809. <i>As one of the nation's
  3810. leading politicians,</i>
  3811.  
  3812. 869
  3813. 00:46:45,836 --> 00:46:49,373
  3814. <i>would you tell us, please, what you think
  3815. of the far right conservatives?</i>
  3816.  
  3817. 870
  3818. 00:46:49,439 --> 00:46:52,142
  3819. <i>Well, I think they're fine, dedicated men</i>
  3820.  
  3821. 871
  3822. 00:46:52,209 --> 00:46:56,413
  3823. <i>who stake their views and promote
  3824. their ideas with integrity and conviction.</i>
  3825.  
  3826. 872
  3827. 00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,215
  3828. <i>And may I quote you on this, sir?</i>
  3829.  
  3830. 873
  3831. 00:46:58,282 --> 00:46:59,349
  3832. <i>No.</i>
  3833.  
  3834. 874
  3835. 00:46:59,416 --> 00:47:03,387
  3836. <i>You know, if your president doesn't want
  3837. instant analysis of his speeches,</i>
  3838.  
  3839. 875
  3840. 00:47:03,453 --> 00:47:07,157
  3841. <i>he shouldn't be giving speeches
  3842. that can be instantly analyzed.</i>
  3843.  
  3844. 876
  3845. 00:47:09,126 --> 00:47:11,128
  3846. <i>You should get out of Vietnam, you know.</i>
  3847.  
  3848. 877
  3849. 00:47:11,695 --> 00:47:14,531
  3850. <i>It's a war you can't win.
  3851. And you can't afford to lose.</i>
  3852.  
  3853. 878
  3854. 00:47:15,232 --> 00:47:17,234
  3855. <i>It's much the same position England was in</i>
  3856.  
  3857. 879
  3858. 00:47:17,301 --> 00:47:20,237
  3859. <i>when your George Washington
  3860. started his ruckus with us.</i>
  3861.  
  3862. 880
  3863. 00:47:20,304 --> 00:47:24,741
  3864. <i>"All citizens shall have the right
  3865. to maintain and bear arms."</i>
  3866.  
  3867. 881
  3868. 00:47:24,808 --> 00:47:26,844
  3869. <i>No. No, I'm afraid that won't do.</i>
  3870.  
  3871. 882
  3872. 00:47:26,910 --> 00:47:29,813
  3873. <i>You see, then every nut in the country
  3874. will be running around with a gun.</i>
  3875.  
  3876. 883
  3877. 00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:36,053
  3878. <i>You know that in America, people are free
  3879. to protest and criticize our government?</i>
  3880.  
  3881. 884
  3882. 00:47:36,119 --> 00:47:39,423
  3883. <i>Oh, Mr. Rowan,
  3884. it's same thing in old country.</i>
  3885.  
  3886. 885
  3887. 00:47:39,489 --> 00:47:42,559
  3888. <i>- Oh, yeah?
  3889. - Free to protest and criticize</i>
  3890.  
  3891. 886
  3892. 00:47:42,626 --> 00:47:44,127
  3893. <i>- your government.
  3894. - Oh!</i>
  3895.  
  3896. 887
  3897. 00:47:44,194 --> 00:47:46,597
  3898. <i>I'd like to leave you
  3899. with this thought, friends.</i>
  3900.  
  3901. 888
  3902. 00:47:46,930 --> 00:47:49,566
  3903. <i>An America at war with someone else</i>
  3904.  
  3905. 889
  3906. 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:52,536
  3907. <i>is an America at peace with itself.</i>
  3908.  
  3909. 890
  3910. 00:47:53,003 --> 00:47:55,939
  3911. <i>Remember, make war, not love.</i>
  3912.  
  3913. 891
  3914. 00:47:59,810 --> 00:48:00,810
  3915. <i>We still on?</i>
  3916.  
  3917. 892
  3918. 00:48:02,379 --> 00:48:05,716
  3919. Tonight's show was taped
  3920. in front of a studio audience
  3921.  
  3922. 893
  3923. 00:48:05,782 --> 00:48:07,317
  3924. against their will.
  3925.  
  3926. 894
  3927. 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:11,955
  3928. <i>News of the future, 20 years from now,</i>
  3929.  
  3930. 895
  3931. 00:48:12,022 --> 00:48:16,293
  3932. <i>scientists who have been experimenting
  3933. with marijuana for the past 20 years</i>
  3934.  
  3935. 896
  3936. 00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:19,930
  3937. <i>emerge from their laboratory
  3938. with two important conclusions.</i>
  3939.  
  3940. 897
  3941. 00:48:19,997 --> 00:48:23,734
  3942. <i>First, they say marijuana is
  3943. completely harmless,</i>
  3944.  
  3945. 898
  3946. 00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:25,135
  3947. <i>and second, they say,</i>
  3948.  
  3949. 899
  3950. 00:48:25,202 --> 00:48:26,837
  3951. <i>"The Moon is trying to kill us."</i>
  3952.  
  3953. 900
  3954. 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:33,610
  3955. And now, please welcome Snoop Dog
  3956. and Michael Rapaport.
  3957.  
  3958. 901
  3959. 00:48:41,318 --> 00:48:43,387
  3960. Good evening, good evening.
  3961.  
  3962. 902
  3963. 00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:45,522
  3964. Good evening, everybody.
  3965.  
  3966. 903
  3967. 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:48,859
  3968. My name is Big Snoop D-O-double-G.
  3969.  
  3970. 904
  3971. 00:48:48,926 --> 00:48:52,462
  3972. And I am Michael Rapaport
  3973. and this is CNN...
  3974.  
  3975. 905
  3976. 00:48:53,230 --> 00:48:54,064
  3977. N.
  3978.  
  3979. 906
  3980. 00:48:55,365 --> 00:48:57,534
  3981. The Cannabis News Network...
  3982.  
  3983. 907
  3984. 00:48:58,268 --> 00:48:59,169
  3985. News.
  3986.  
  3987. 908
  3988. 00:49:00,304 --> 00:49:02,539
  3989. Sorry, we were high
  3990. when we named it, uh...
  3991.  
  3992. 909
  3993. 00:49:02,973 --> 00:49:06,376
  3994. We are a wholly owned subsidiary
  3995. of the Double-G-N News Network.
  3996.  
  3997. 910
  3998. 00:49:06,576 --> 00:49:08,245
  3999. And so, here to give you the 411...
  4000.  
  4001. 911
  4002. 00:49:08,312 --> 00:49:09,379
  4003. I mean, the 420.
  4004.  
  4005. 912
  4006. 00:49:11,014 --> 00:49:12,349
  4007. Our lead story,
  4008.  
  4009. 913
  4010. 00:49:12,749 --> 00:49:16,019
  4011. more and more states are joining
  4012. in the legalization of marijuana.
  4013.  
  4014. 914
  4015. 00:49:16,253 --> 00:49:17,721
  4016. - We got Nevada.
  4017. - Yeah.
  4018.  
  4019. 915
  4020. 00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:19,189
  4021. - We got Colorado.
  4022. - Yeah.
  4023.  
  4024. 916
  4025. 00:49:19,256 --> 00:49:20,257
  4026. We got Oregon.
  4027.  
  4028. 917
  4029. 00:49:20,557 --> 00:49:22,259
  4030. And, of course, we got California.
  4031.  
  4032. 918
  4033. 00:49:25,529 --> 00:49:27,831
  4034. And New Jersey governor Phil Murphy,
  4035.  
  4036. 919
  4037. 00:49:28,065 --> 00:49:31,368
  4038. he wants to include marijuana revenue
  4039. into the state budget.
  4040.  
  4041. 920
  4042. 00:49:31,435 --> 00:49:34,604
  4043. Finally a reason
  4044. to live in fucking New Jersey!
  4045.  
  4046. 921
  4047. 00:49:36,406 --> 00:49:39,076
  4048. But it's still not enough.
  4049. Listen, I'm from New York City.
  4050.  
  4051. 922
  4052. 00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:40,711
  4053. We need weed.
  4054.  
  4055. 923
  4056. 00:49:40,777 --> 00:49:43,113
  4057. Do you see how uptight these people are
  4058. on the subway?
  4059.  
  4060. 924
  4061. 00:49:43,180 --> 00:49:44,180
  4062. Mike!
  4063.  
  4064. 925
  4065. 00:49:45,716 --> 00:49:47,117
  4066. They need to get blazed.
  4067.  
  4068. 926
  4069. 00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:55,559
  4070. And now, it's time for a break.
  4071.  
  4072. 927
  4073. 00:49:56,593 --> 00:49:58,528
  4074. Hi. I'm high.
  4075.  
  4076. 928
  4077. 00:50:00,497 --> 00:50:01,965
  4078. Many people say, "Snoop,
  4079.  
  4080. 929
  4081. 00:50:02,699 --> 00:50:04,201
  4082. how can I get high with you?"
  4083.  
  4084. 930
  4085. 00:50:04,468 --> 00:50:05,469
  4086. Before, I would say,
  4087.  
  4088. 931
  4089. 00:50:06,470 --> 00:50:07,971
  4090. "You can't, little white boy."
  4091.  
  4092. 932
  4093. 00:50:09,573 --> 00:50:12,342
  4094. But now, with LBS, Leafs By Snoop,
  4095.  
  4096. 933
  4097. 00:50:12,976 --> 00:50:16,013
  4098. it not only makes you feel
  4099. like you're smoking with the Dogg,
  4100.  
  4101. 934
  4102. 00:50:16,079 --> 00:50:19,082
  4103. but it also makes you feel
  4104. like you rolled one with me, too, dude.
  4105.  
  4106. 935
  4107. 00:50:20,050 --> 00:50:21,852
  4108. So if you want to be fly like me,
  4109.  
  4110. 936
  4111. 00:50:22,285 --> 00:50:23,487
  4112. or get high like me,
  4113.  
  4114. 937
  4115. 00:50:23,687 --> 00:50:26,490
  4116. hit me up on IG, #LBS.
  4117.  
  4118. 938
  4119. 00:50:26,556 --> 00:50:27,891
  4120. Back to Mike.
  4121.  
  4122. 939
  4123. 00:50:31,161 --> 00:50:33,797
  4124. According to <i>Entrepreneur </i>mag...
  4125.  
  4126. 940
  4127. 00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:36,099
  4128. According to <i>Entrepreneur</i> magazine...
  4129.  
  4130. 941
  4131. 00:50:36,466 --> 00:50:37,466
  4132. Let me start that again.
  4133.  
  4134. 942
  4135. 00:50:37,801 --> 00:50:38,802
  4136. A...
  4137.  
  4138. 943
  4139. 00:50:39,403 --> 00:50:40,404
  4140. This shit is real.
  4141.  
  4142. 944
  4143. 00:50:55,218 --> 00:50:56,119
  4144. Mm-hmm.
  4145.  
  4146. 945
  4147. 00:50:56,186 --> 00:50:57,921
  4148. Snoop, Michael.
  4149.  
  4150. 946
  4151. 00:50:58,255 --> 00:51:00,223
  4152. Y'all know y'all can't be smoking
  4153. in this theater.
  4154.  
  4155. 947
  4156. 00:51:00,857 --> 00:51:02,092
  4157. Wait, we-we-we-we can't?
  4158.  
  4159. 948
  4160. 00:51:02,159 --> 00:51:03,326
  4161. No, why smoke
  4162.  
  4163. 949
  4164. 00:51:03,593 --> 00:51:05,362
  4165. when I got edibles, baby!
  4166.  
  4167. 950
  4168. 00:51:11,535 --> 00:51:12,536
  4169. Give me one of them.
  4170.  
  4171. 951
  4172. 00:51:14,838 --> 00:51:15,906
  4173. You want some?
  4174.  
  4175. 952
  4176. 00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:19,009
  4177. Pot for everybody.
  4178.  
  4179. 953
  4180. 00:51:22,045 --> 00:51:23,146
  4181. Come on, Tiff.
  4182.  
  4183. 954
  4184. 00:51:24,347 --> 00:51:26,616
  4185. Tiff, the police coming. Police!
  4186.  
  4187. 955
  4188. 00:51:35,525 --> 00:51:38,395
  4189. Now that was some good shit.
  4190.  
  4191. 956
  4192. 00:51:42,065 --> 00:51:43,065
  4193. Hello.
  4194.  
  4195. 957
  4196. 00:51:45,001 --> 00:51:46,001
  4197. Thank you.
  4198.  
  4199. 958
  4200. 00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:48,538
  4201. Thank you very much.
  4202.  
  4203. 959
  4204. 00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:50,207
  4205. Wow, what an honor.
  4206.  
  4207. 960
  4208. 00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:56,513
  4209. Thank you so much. You're very kind.
  4210.  
  4211. 961
  4212. 00:51:56,913 --> 00:51:59,316
  4213. You know, one of the most popular sketches
  4214. on <i>Laugh-In</i>
  4215.  
  4216. 962
  4217. 00:51:59,382 --> 00:52:00,951
  4218. was when Dan Rowan and Dick Martin
  4219.  
  4220. 963
  4221. 00:52:01,017 --> 00:52:03,687
  4222. would award the Fickle Finger of Fate.
  4223.  
  4224. 964
  4225. 00:52:03,753 --> 00:52:04,921
  4226. Let's all say it together.
  4227.  
  4228. 965
  4229. 00:52:04,988 --> 00:52:07,757
  4230. The Fickle Finger of Fate.
  4231.  
  4232. 966
  4233. 00:52:07,824 --> 00:52:11,094
  4234. They would give it to famous individuals
  4235. or government institutions
  4236.  
  4237. 967
  4238. 00:52:11,161 --> 00:52:14,464
  4239. for their hypocrisy, their blunders,
  4240. and their stupidity.
  4241.  
  4242. 968
  4243. 00:52:14,531 --> 00:52:16,900
  4244. Some of the recipients were Congress,
  4245.  
  4246. 969
  4247. 00:52:17,234 --> 00:52:18,468
  4248. the Ku Klux Klan,
  4249.  
  4250. 970
  4251. 00:52:18,535 --> 00:52:19,535
  4252. and Russia.
  4253.  
  4254. 971
  4255. 00:52:19,769 --> 00:52:21,471
  4256. All were deserving back then,
  4257.  
  4258. 972
  4259. 00:52:21,872 --> 00:52:22,973
  4260. and still today...
  4261.  
  4262. 973
  4263. 00:52:24,574 --> 00:52:27,377
  4264. ...of someone giving them the Finger.
  4265.  
  4266. 974
  4267. 00:52:29,713 --> 00:52:33,049
  4268. <i>This is the Flying
  4269. Fickle Finger of Fate award.</i>
  4270.  
  4271. 975
  4272. 00:52:33,116 --> 00:52:35,819
  4273. <i>Or the Rigid Digit,
  4274. as it's known in Burbank.</i>
  4275.  
  4276. 976
  4277. 00:52:35,886 --> 00:52:38,588
  4278. <i>We hereby present Congress with the first</i>
  4279.  
  4280. 977
  4281. 00:52:38,855 --> 00:52:41,224
  4282. <i>Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.</i>
  4283.  
  4284. 978
  4285. 00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:43,460
  4286. <i>The award must go to Soviet Russia.</i>
  4287.  
  4288. 979
  4289. 00:52:43,527 --> 00:52:45,629
  4290. <i>What exactly was it that won
  4291. for the good Russians?</i>
  4292.  
  4293. 980
  4294. 00:52:45,695 --> 00:52:47,531
  4295. <i>Well, it was their great love of freedom.</i>
  4296.  
  4297. 981
  4298. 00:52:47,597 --> 00:52:49,866
  4299. <i>The Russians are
  4300. such a freedom-loving people</i>
  4301.  
  4302. 982
  4303. 00:52:49,933 --> 00:52:52,435
  4304. <i>that they wanted all the freedom
  4305. they could get their hands on,</i>
  4306.  
  4307. 983
  4308. 00:52:52,502 --> 00:52:54,504
  4309. <i>so they took Czechoslovakia's, too.</i>
  4310.  
  4311. 984
  4312. 00:52:54,571 --> 00:52:57,641
  4313. <i>To Russia with love.
  4314. You sure earned it the hard way.</i>
  4315.  
  4316. 985
  4317. 00:52:58,341 --> 00:53:00,710
  4318. <i>The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award,</i>
  4319.  
  4320. 986
  4321. 00:53:00,777 --> 00:53:03,847
  4322. <i>or the Nifty Knuckle,
  4323. as it's known backstage,</i>
  4324.  
  4325. 987
  4326. 00:53:03,914 --> 00:53:06,349
  4327. <i>goes to California governor Ronald Reagan.</i>
  4328.  
  4329. 988
  4330. 00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:08,051
  4331. <i>There's no reason right now,</i>
  4332.  
  4333. 989
  4334. 00:53:08,118 --> 00:53:10,620
  4335. <i>but we're sure he'll come up with one
  4336. by next week.</i>
  4337.  
  4338. 990
  4339. 00:53:11,054 --> 00:53:12,756
  4340. <i>- The Ku Klux Klan.
  4341. - Oh.</i>
  4342.  
  4343. 991
  4344. 00:53:13,190 --> 00:53:15,292
  4345. <i>What are those wizards up to now?</i>
  4346.  
  4347. 992
  4348. 00:53:15,358 --> 00:53:20,530
  4349. <i>In recognition of your continuing efforts
  4350. to poison the relations between the races,</i>
  4351.  
  4352. 993
  4353. 00:53:20,830 --> 00:53:21,830
  4354. <i>we give it to you.</i>
  4355.  
  4356. 994
  4357. 00:53:28,305 --> 00:53:30,507
  4358. <i>You ought to be more careful
  4359. with that thing.</i>
  4360.  
  4361. 995
  4362. 00:53:30,807 --> 00:53:32,108
  4363. <i>I didn't know it was loaded.</i>
  4364.  
  4365. 996
  4366. 00:53:36,313 --> 00:53:38,515
  4367. And now, it is my honor
  4368. to award this trophy
  4369.  
  4370. 997
  4371. 00:53:38,582 --> 00:53:41,051
  4372. for the first time in 46 years.
  4373.  
  4374. 998
  4375. 00:53:41,117 --> 00:53:45,488
  4376. It goes to a man whose hypocrisy,
  4377. blunders, and stupidity
  4378.  
  4379. 999
  4380. 00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:47,791
  4381. have made him the perfect recipient.
  4382.  
  4383. 1000
  4384. 00:53:47,857 --> 00:53:51,661
  4385. The new Flying Fickle Finger of Fate
  4386. goes to...
  4387.  
  4388. 1001
  4389. 00:53:52,162 --> 00:53:56,066
  4390. the whiny little bitch himself,
  4391.  
  4392. 1002
  4393. 00:53:56,132 --> 00:53:59,035
  4394. President Donald J. Trump!
  4395.  
  4396. 1003
  4397. 00:54:00,870 --> 00:54:02,339
  4398. And thank you, George Schlatter.
  4399.  
  4400. 1004
  4401. 00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:04,341
  4402. We love you, and we thank you.
  4403.  
  4404. 1005
  4405. 00:54:04,841 --> 00:54:05,841
  4406. Thank you.
  4407.  
  4408. 1006
  4409. 00:54:08,812 --> 00:54:12,282
  4410. <i>I took my uncle Albert's </i>Playboy<i> magazine.</i>
  4411.  
  4412. 1007
  4413. 00:54:12,649 --> 00:54:14,084
  4414. <i>Sometimes I drink beer.</i>
  4415.  
  4416. 1008
  4417. 00:54:15,952 --> 00:54:18,188
  4418. You know what happens when you get angry?
  4419.  
  4420. 1009
  4421. 00:54:18,588 --> 00:54:19,789
  4422. First, you're...
  4423.  
  4424. 1010
  4425. 00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:23,126
  4426. your face gets just like a fist.
  4427.  
  4428. 1011
  4429. 00:54:23,693 --> 00:54:25,428
  4430. And then your heart flies up
  4431.  
  4432. 1012
  4433. 00:54:25,629 --> 00:54:28,064
  4434. and stings your brain in the front.
  4435.  
  4436. 1013
  4437. 00:54:28,565 --> 00:54:31,101
  4438. And your eyes are like two dark clouds,
  4439.  
  4440. 1014
  4441. 00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:33,003
  4442. looking for trouble.
  4443.  
  4444. 1015
  4445. 00:54:33,370 --> 00:54:35,605
  4446. And your blood is like a tornado.
  4447.  
  4448. 1016
  4449. 00:54:36,206 --> 00:54:39,476
  4450. And then you have bad weather
  4451. inside your body.
  4452.  
  4453. 1017
  4454. 00:54:40,043 --> 00:54:41,043
  4455. Yes.
  4456.  
  4457. 1018
  4458. 00:54:41,745 --> 00:54:42,879
  4459. And that is how...
  4460.  
  4461. 1019
  4462. 00:54:43,780 --> 00:54:45,849
  4463. climate change happens.
  4464.  
  4465. 1020
  4466. 00:54:56,259 --> 00:54:57,259
  4467. What's going on?
  4468.  
  4469. 1021
  4470. 00:54:57,527 --> 00:54:58,728
  4471. Oh, it's up to me?
  4472.  
  4473. 1022
  4474. 00:55:00,163 --> 00:55:01,364
  4475. Blessed are the...
  4476.  
  4477. 1023
  4478. 00:55:04,567 --> 00:55:05,567
  4479. Hey.
  4480.  
  4481. 1024
  4482. 00:55:05,835 --> 00:55:07,871
  4483. Hey, so I says to Elon Musk,
  4484.  
  4485. 1025
  4486. 00:55:07,937 --> 00:55:10,106
  4487. "Don't invent a driverless car.
  4488.  
  4489. 1026
  4490. 00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:12,075
  4491. I want an odorless Uber."
  4492.  
  4493. 1027
  4494. 00:55:16,946 --> 00:55:18,815
  4495. Did I just blow my best joke?
  4496.  
  4497. 1028
  4498. 00:55:24,954 --> 00:55:27,691
  4499. Dairy farmers in England
  4500. have developed a dating app for cows
  4501.  
  4502. 1029
  4503. 00:55:27,757 --> 00:55:29,292
  4504. to find matches for breeding,
  4505.  
  4506. 1030
  4507. 00:55:29,359 --> 00:55:31,328
  4508. or so they tell their wives.
  4509.  
  4510. 1031
  4511. 00:55:36,099 --> 00:55:39,269
  4512. <i>I wouldn't have missed this party
  4513. for all the tea in Scotland.</i>
  4514.  
  4515. 1032
  4516. 00:55:45,942 --> 00:55:47,711
  4517. How do you feel about vaccinations?
  4518.  
  4519. 1033
  4520. 00:55:47,777 --> 00:55:51,181
  4521. I used to be against them
  4522. until I found out they involved shots.
  4523.  
  4524. 1034
  4525. 00:55:51,247 --> 00:55:52,949
  4526. I love Jell-O.
  4527.  
  4528. 1035
  4529. 00:55:58,655 --> 00:56:03,526
  4530. My boyfriend loves when I wear
  4531. sexy bras, and panties, and...
  4532.  
  4533. 1036
  4534. 00:56:03,593 --> 00:56:04,961
  4535. What's wrong with that?
  4536.  
  4537. 1037
  4538. 00:56:05,295 --> 00:56:07,330
  4539. They're his bras and panties.
  4540.  
  4541. 1038
  4542. 00:56:07,397 --> 00:56:08,998
  4543. <i>Go to your room!</i>
  4544.  
  4545. 1039
  4546. 00:56:13,703 --> 00:56:18,441
  4547. I don't want a baby.
  4548. To raise a kid costs like $250,000.
  4549.  
  4550. 1040
  4551. 00:56:18,842 --> 00:56:20,076
  4552. Now you tell me?
  4553.  
  4554. 1041
  4555. 00:56:24,647 --> 00:56:28,918
  4556. <i>Now that was tasteless
  4557. and unfortunately violent.</i>
  4558.  
  4559. 1042
  4560. 00:56:29,486 --> 00:56:33,690
  4561. <i>Now, here's a moment
  4562. that is not violent and not tasteless.</i>
  4563.  
  4564. 1043
  4565. 00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:36,092
  4566. <i>It is just unfortunate.</i>
  4567.  
  4568. 1044
  4569. 00:56:36,993 --> 00:56:40,397
  4570. <i>♪ At first I was afraid, I was petrified ♪</i>
  4571.  
  4572. 1045
  4573. 00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:44,601
  4574. <i>♪ Kept thinking I could never live
  4575. Without you by my side ♪</i>
  4576.  
  4577. 1046
  4578. 00:56:45,268 --> 00:56:49,539
  4579. <i>♪ But I spent so many nights
  4580. Feeling sorry for myself ♪</i>
  4581.  
  4582. 1047
  4583. 00:56:49,806 --> 00:56:50,974
  4584. <i>♪ Now I'm drunk</i> ♪
  4585.  
  4586. 1048
  4587. 00:56:51,941 --> 00:56:53,910
  4588. <i>♪ About to turn this fucker up ♪</i>
  4589.  
  4590. 1049
  4591. 00:56:53,977 --> 00:56:57,647
  4592. <i>♪ Yeah, here is me, somebody new ♪</i>
  4593.  
  4594. 1050
  4595. 00:56:58,314 --> 00:57:02,519
  4596. <i>♪ I'm not that sorry little chick
  4597. You used to fuck with, boo ♪</i>
  4598.  
  4599. 1051
  4600. 00:57:02,585 --> 00:57:05,021
  4601. <i>♪ Oh, yeah, I'm bad as fuck, yeah ♪</i>
  4602.  
  4603. 1052
  4604. 00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:06,823
  4605. <i>♪ I do my fucking thing ♪</i>
  4606.  
  4607. 1053
  4608. 00:57:06,890 --> 00:57:11,060
  4609. <i>♪ And now I cuss because I can buy
  4610. My own diamond rings ♪</i>
  4611.  
  4612. 1054
  4613. 00:57:11,361 --> 00:57:12,962
  4614. <i>♪ Oh, go ♪</i>
  4615.  
  4616. 1055
  4617. 00:57:13,630 --> 00:57:14,898
  4618. <i>♪ Walk out the door</i> ♪
  4619.  
  4620. 1056
  4621. 00:57:15,698 --> 00:57:17,367
  4622. <i>♪ Don't turn around now ♪</i>
  4623.  
  4624. 1057
  4625. 00:57:17,801 --> 00:57:20,503
  4626. <i>♪ 'Cause I ain't
  4627. That broke chick anymore ♪</i>
  4628.  
  4629. 1058
  4630. 00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:24,707
  4631. <i>♪ No, I don't drive a Geo Metro
  4632. No, no, boo ♪</i>
  4633.  
  4634. 1059
  4635. 00:57:24,774 --> 00:57:26,176
  4636. <i>♪ I'm in a Tesla ♪</i>
  4637.  
  4638. 1060
  4639. 00:57:26,643 --> 00:57:28,745
  4640. <i>♪ And Tyler Perry bought it, too ♪</i>
  4641.  
  4642. 1061
  4643. 00:57:28,812 --> 00:57:30,280
  4644. <i>♪ Oh, yeah, go ♪</i>
  4645.  
  4646. 1062
  4647. 00:57:36,286 --> 00:57:37,754
  4648. Ladies and gentlemen,
  4649.  
  4650. 1063
  4651. 00:57:37,987 --> 00:57:40,790
  4652. it's been a great celebration of <i>Laugh-In.</i>
  4653.  
  4654. 1064
  4655. 00:57:41,224 --> 00:57:44,561
  4656. Before we say goodnight,
  4657. we have a special treat.
  4658.  
  4659. 1065
  4660. 00:57:45,161 --> 00:57:50,567
  4661. I give you the music
  4662. of Mr. Neil Patrick Harris.
  4663.  
  4664. 1066
  4665. 00:57:56,172 --> 00:57:57,073
  4666. Thanks, Tiffany.
  4667.  
  4668. 1067
  4669. 00:57:57,140 --> 00:57:59,209
  4670. - All right, for real.
  4671. - For real!
  4672.  
  4673. 1068
  4674. 00:57:59,442 --> 00:58:01,878
  4675. Let's do this. Key of G. Hit it.
  4676.  
  4677. 1069
  4678. 00:58:12,522 --> 00:58:14,924
  4679. <i>Take five. Roll 'em!</i>
  4680.  
  4681. 1070
  4682. 00:58:14,991 --> 00:58:16,693
  4683. I think I fucked mine up.
  4684.  
  4685. 1071
  4686. 00:58:17,427 --> 00:58:20,163
  4687. - Yeah, let's go take two.
  4688. - Let's go back. Let's go back.
  4689.  
  4690. 1072
  4691. 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,765
  4692. <i>President Nixon has been trying to get...</i>
  4693.  
  4694. 1073
  4695. 00:58:24,367 --> 00:58:28,238
  4696. My single, broke girlfriend called me
  4697. the other day, and she totally...
  4698.  
  4699. 1074
  4700. 00:58:28,605 --> 00:58:29,906
  4701. Can we do it again? Sorry.
  4702.  
  4703. 1075
  4704. 00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:33,676
  4705. <i>President Nixon has been trying to get
  4706. a list of the total number of...</i>
  4707.  
  4708. 1076
  4709. 00:58:35,478 --> 00:58:36,813
  4710. I'm so sorry.
  4711.  
  4712. 1077
  4713. 00:58:38,281 --> 00:58:39,281
  4714. <i>Well...</i>
  4715.  
  4716. 1078
  4717. 00:58:39,749 --> 00:58:42,151
  4718. <i>You've got your thumb on my line.</i>
  4719.  
  4720. 1079
  4721. 00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:44,087
  4722. I think you did fuck it up.
  4723.  
  4724. 1080
  4725. 00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:46,189
  4726. <i>And now, I...</i>
  4727.  
  4728. 1081
  4729. 00:58:46,256 --> 00:58:48,391
  4730. <i>This is me forgetting my joke. Um...</i>
  4731.  
  4732. 1082
  4733. 00:58:49,893 --> 00:58:53,062
  4734. <i>♪ The elevators work
  4735. But never up and down ♪</i>
  4736.  
  4737. 1083
  4738. 00:58:56,466 --> 00:58:58,468
  4739. <i>- Do it again.
  4740. - Turn the cards back.</i>
  4741.  
  4742. 1084
  4743. 00:58:58,535 --> 00:59:00,203
  4744. We've been sitting there
  4745.  
  4746. 1085
  4747. 00:59:00,270 --> 00:59:03,039
  4748. for two fucking hours, waiting for this.
  4749.  
  4750. 1086
  4751. 00:59:03,106 --> 00:59:04,941
  4752. We have!
  4753.  
  4754. 1087
  4755. 00:59:11,514 --> 00:59:14,951
  4756. - We are cold as a witch's tit.
  4757. - Cold. Cold.
  4758.  
  4759. 1088
  4760. 00:59:15,018 --> 00:59:17,854
  4761. <i>Okay, you guys, hold it down.</i>
  4762.  
  4763. 1089
  4764. 00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:19,756
  4765. <i>This year, I want to get it right.</i>
  4766.  
  4767. 1090
  4768. 00:59:19,822 --> 00:59:22,292
  4769. - I ain't taking the blame for this shit.
  4770. - No.
  4771.  
  4772. 1091
  4773. 00:59:22,358 --> 00:59:24,127
  4774. We... that's right.
  4775.  
  4776. 1092
  4777. 00:59:25,995 --> 00:59:28,364
  4778. You're... you're... you're sexy.
  4779.  
  4780. 1093
  4781. 00:59:30,166 --> 00:59:32,535
  4782. I didn't get my line right.
  4783.  
  4784. 1094
  4785. 00:59:32,602 --> 00:59:34,070
  4786. <i>Listen, honey.</i>
  4787.  
  4788. 1095
  4789. 00:59:34,337 --> 00:59:37,006
  4790. <i>My husband wants to...</i>
  4791.  
  4792. 1096
  4793. 00:59:37,373 --> 00:59:38,508
  4794. <i>Listen, honey.</i>
  4795.  
  4796. 1097
  4797. 00:59:38,942 --> 00:59:40,677
  4798. <i>You think you've got it bad?</i>
  4799.  
  4800. 1098
  4801. 00:59:42,145 --> 00:59:43,646
  4802. <i>Come on.</i>
  4803.  
  4804. 1099
  4805. 00:59:44,514 --> 00:59:46,049
  4806. I didn't write my joke, by the way.
  4807.  
  4808. 1100
  4809. 00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:50,057
  4810. In case you go, "Why does that guy suck?"
  4811. 'Cause I didn't write it.
  4812.  
  4813. 1101
  4814. 00:59:53,990 --> 00:59:55,425
  4815. I didn't like that one either.
  4816.  
  4817. 1102
  4818. 00:59:55,491 --> 00:59:56,492
  4819. Ah! My head!
  4820.  
  4821. 1103
  4822. 00:59:57,126 --> 00:59:58,595
  4823. <i>Oh, did I... did I hit you?</i>
  4824.  
  4825. 1104
  4826. 00:59:58,661 --> 01:00:01,297
  4827. - I hit my head on the thing.
  4828. - Yes, don't hit your head in there!
  4829.  
  4830. 1105
  4831. 01:00:02,231 --> 01:00:04,901
  4832. <i>Dateline,
  4833. San Clemente, California.</i>
  4834.  
  4835. 1106
  4836. 01:00:05,101 --> 01:00:08,371
  4837. <i>It's a funny town, all right.
  4838. Yeah, San Clemente, California.</i>
  4839.  
  4840. 1107
  4841. 01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:10,106
  4842. <i>Residents of this seaside...</i>
  4843.  
  4844. 1108
  4845. 01:00:12,675 --> 01:00:15,378
  4846. <i>♪ She was only eight years old ♪</i>
  4847.  
  4848. 1109
  4849. 01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:18,548
  4850. <i>♪ But she stole my powerhouse ♪</i>
  4851.  
  4852. 1110
  4853. 01:00:18,948 --> 01:00:20,516
  4854. <i>No way, man.</i>
  4855.  
  4856. 1111
  4857. 01:00:26,422 --> 01:00:28,558
  4858. <i>"Stole my powerhouse"?</i>
  4859.  
  4860. 1112
  4861. 01:00:31,928 --> 01:00:33,196
  4862. <i>Artie, give me a break.</i>
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