The White Queen's Suitor proof read

Proof read of "The White Queen's Suitor" script.

Line 5

"You couldn't refuse it after all their efforts, but deep down inside you're afraid."

This sounds funny. My brain is telling me either change the syntaxes A: "You couldn't refuse it, after all their efforts. But deep down inside you're afraid." or swap the front B: "After all their efforts you couldn't refuse it, but deep down inside you're afraid." idk, maybe it's just me. Bleh....    Not critical less you plan to read it out loud first to set the scene.

Line 11

"(The script starts with she talking to her Owl familiar)"

The use of "she" here doesn't seem to fit. Suggest simply "her", or more specifically "the White Queen"
:shrug: again nothing critical, but it was there.

Line 27 to 29

"I can't just take it back! I'm fully committed to finding a husband now. [Long sigh] At this rate I will be old and grey before I find someone worthy.

But I am starting to get disheartened. None of them seem to want to move past the fact that I am wealthy and powerful, and get to know *me*... As a person."

Spesificly

" At this rate I will be old and grey before I find someone worthy.

But I am starting to get disheartened."

This transitions feels backwards. By the first line you can tell already she feels disheartened. Why the need to spesificly state it next? Less there was supposed to be more conversation with the owl that makes this implied, or interpreted. Other wise. Swapping the two makes it sound fine.

"I can't just take it back! I'm fully committed to finding a husband now. [Long sigh] But I am starting to get disheartened.

At this rate I will be old and grey before I find someone worthy. None of them seem to want to move past the fact that I am wealthy and powerful, and get to know *me*... As a person."

Last time I swear I'm being nit picky. Sorry, bleh.

Other wise you two made it hard to find anything wrong worth needing proof reading. The dialog portions were essentially flawless. Good job, and good script. Sorry this is getting to you so late at night, I was having another awake moment. But atleast I had something to do. Hope this helps, was what you were looking for, if not just delete it and ignore me. 😬