Nugget Security Inc

Anon who wanted to go /k/amping but got on a magically-mutated-swamp-animal genocide:

>3 hours ago
>currently on 2 week paid vacation as blue collar for local tv station
>station is currently integrating magic ware and our new staff to cater to both tvs and seer brew cauldrons
>finished jobs as best in-house exterminator and plumber, but mostly plumber
>currently bored and borrowing computer for browsing 4chan
>ignore the new 'Nonhumies' thread
>/k/ is for /k/e/k/s
>>40312317 (image of swamp and definitely not a scalie setting bait)
>>40307738 (advert for Nugget Security Inc.)
>hey, I think I can visit that place for some time
>my own pa didn't take me fishing, so why not
>decide to plan ahead because of news warning of scaly presence
>rent local swamp rider, wet suit, and entourage from Nugget Sect. Inc.
>'arrive soon'
>Office door blows up
>get grabbed by 3 ski-masked guys and knocked out
>slapped silly and given a USP with 3 reloads of extended mag and tactical wet suit
>I only played MW2 and Payday in my life to know that you wear that shit ASAP
>woke up in red truck with 6 others in the bed
>guys look like R6S Tachanka and FH Viking had Seal Team 69 babies
>only in this place can you smell the wet wood and man sweat and not think dirty
'ey, they caught you trying to cross da border?
>lol no, also who's 'they'?
>yellow hazmat people sounds like CDC
>the truck stops somewhere and driver looks at us
TRIP STOP HERE, PISTOL, GET OFF
>get the fuck off because I only have the pistol
>left alone until swamp craft arrives with 2 guys
>true swampers because they look like bushmen who can shoot or wrestle like Predator
>They only tell me to know guy with bigger machete is Rudy, and the other with a 'breacher' shotgun is Gum
>drive by the swamp
>ah nostalgia when I camped and scavenged abandoned coolers to see what was inside
>the engine of rider suddenly stops
>Gum and Rudy push me to the ground and pull out paddles from their packs
Scalie territory nogunz
>we paddle quietly through the waves until I see some island to stop on
>for some fuckin' reason it's a free fishing rod and bait box
Hey gum, paddle over dare
>I get a look, but then I lie that I'll fish us some big bass and catfish here for us to eat
>I was a beach comber, not a fisherman, but man did I want to get a big one
>Gum and Rudy seem to roll their eyes at me and just let me do my suicidal thing
>Stop and I creep over to the rod with guys watching 5 and 8 'o clock
>woah, this rod's bigger than I thought
>feels like 35 lb lifting bar and big ass frilly hook and bobber is heavier than even my allen
>throw the hook because first time fishing and rod too heavy for twig arms
>Gum and Rudy take turns trying to outdo each other with the five finger fillet challenge with Rudy's machete
>6 rounds later, no lost fingers yet
>hear something from the water
>Gum and Rudy whip out their guns faster than I can cock my USP
>Swamp Water fountains are soo cool when made by shotgun rounds and deer stoppers
>the fountains stop and then HE comes outta the brown
>I manage to aim at his jaws, but first time pistol shooter and book and game education for firearms only gets his nose hose
>He doesn't care
>I jump backward in fear and get stuck in swamp tree watching Rudy and Gum prepare counter attack
>Rudy has this 2 foot long machete and Gum seems to have Fast Reload Double Aced, but the scalie bends Rudy's machete inwards with his claws and slaps Gum's shotty outta his hands with his tail
>Gum and Rudy are as scared as me when we realize we didn't bring enough firepower
>scalie lets out a Swamp ROAR godzilla wish he could make, and then Gum and Rudy rip out smoke bombs and disappear like ninjas
>I hear the swamp rider gunnin' it and leaving
>maybe they'll come back, cuz I do realize then and there I haven't given them big fish
>scalie looks at me
>I look at him, my legs too high up too touch the ground
>shit my USP is on the ground
>oh god Scalie picked me up and is feeling me up like Florida Airport Security
>my phone!
>motherfucker crushes it in his jaws and spits out its innards
>I'm stuck in the swamp tree again
>the scalie doesn't seem to see me as a threat
>he leaves me alone when he decides to grab the fishing rod
>I connect the dots
>oh god, i'm the bait he's gonna use
>oh wait, he opens the bait box to pull out some toad
>so that's maybe why I didn't catch any
>scalie then fishes while I sit like a stuck turtle
>well, shit, just gotta wait until /k/ comes back
>hopefully
>a day and a half ago
>I'm massively uncomfy in a swamp tree with my legs up in the air like filthy frank dual wielding but I don't have any weapons
>USP fell out of reach
>at least I can watch scalie fish for fish
>wait, I saw him in the water, so y fish when you can swim?
>but yeah, can't disturb the fishing scalie because I tried talking a while ago and he shushed me with a glare
>'Noise bad for fish'
>only words I ever heard from him
>fine fucker who killed my phone
>despite not being dead, I'm thinking I should watch for Stockholm syndrome
>I see the big scalie reach into his bait box and pull out a 3 liter keg
>while I'm still marveling at the size of probably his first of many fishing beers, the scalie takes 1 of those salt cans and pours the whole thing into the keg
>and drinks it
>saltwater or brine water?
>I hear more rustling, and then the scalie grabs a familiar snack bag, and throws it to me in the tree
>I catch and it's a bag of pretzels sealed by some mess of folding and skewering
>oh do I have to eat this, but fuck it, last thing I want to be is hungry
>munch
>yep that's mud and pretzels
>CDC guys I heard about better not be freaking over chemicals in this water
>now content but still uncomfy for roughly 2 hours
>until scalie gets up and starts pulling on his rod
>thick fucker really pulling it that I wonder how the line hasn’t broke
>stalks appear out of the water, then BIG ASS MUD CRAB comes out with line in its mouth
>crabbo bigger than a moped but smaller than a SUV, and reminds me of brown crab rave crabs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDU_Txk06tM [Embed]
>Scalie vs Crab fishing battle is commencing, but more likely scalie is gonna win
>fuck gotta outta here
>oh shit the scalie stabbed his rod into the ground like a flag and dove in after the crabbo
>are the depth charges in da water? Oh no just crab and scalie wrestling
>Scalie’s fishing rod breaks mid wrestling
>oh shit that’s some damage
>OH GOD MY BALLS ARE LUCKY TO AVOID PREMATURE VASECTOMY
>wait a minute is that broken rod a sharp broken stick?
>I can use it to cut this thing in my back
>I’m sure it’s not in my body, but I’m sure it’s hooking my wet suit
>okay it’s working a little, but gonna take time
>OOOOFF, got down
>grab USP
>fucker better be waterproof
>scaly shelly battle still going
>now scalie has fishing rod along with claws, jaws, and girth
>decision time, the scalie or the crabbo
>fuck it, shitty pretzel bags convince me enough to aim at crabbo
>USP accuracy don’t fail me now
>BANG BANG BANG
>holy shit I shot an eye out
>battle still going
>woah sounds?
>pic related shows up (LVT(A)-1, WW1 tank)
>oh shit /k/ really did come back, cuz Rudy and Gum from earlier are riding on with 4 other guys
>really packing heat with frogsuits, brenners, and those UDT guns from COD
>wait frogsuits?
>wave them over and shoot the tank for attention
SCALIE CRAB BATTLE! SHOOT THE CRAB NOT THE SCALIE
SCALIE FRIENDLY! CRAB GIANT ENEMY! GIANT ENEMY CRAB!
>scalie manages to shove crab onto the island for everyone to see
>crabbo took a bleeding rod to his mouth, but fucker still wants to rumble with only 1 arm
>shit scalie got some big gashes on his ribs
>Like Han, I shot first
AAAHHHHH
>BLARING GUNFIRE + TANK GUN
>tango down
>half of the crab is gone, much to the anger of the scalie
>I tell the /k/ group this and they decide to tell me that the CDC told THEM to come
>fuck, local water’s so hot with magic, it turned the frogs gay
>and the crabbos into monsters
>and crocs into guys like scalie
>okay, so what
We kill the danger with our weapons, and have a good time nogunz
>okay fine fags, but you know scalie can’t be killed because of his scales
Oh no nogunz, we won’t kill him because he didn’t eat you. But we probably can.
>At this moment, /k/ has peace or whatever truce with scalie
>currently camping, like I should have been long ago
>thank fucking god for /k/ messkits and propane lanterns
>even better now that we have vodka-boiled crabbo meat
>not as juicy as you think, but goes well with pretzels and bread
>scalie stops sitting with us to grab something
>it’s a goddam wood PC
>he says it's for talking to other nonhumies on Nonhumies thread
>ohhhhh, he better be careful of which thread he talks on
>thing’s got the vodka-drunks calling up some of their slav connections to look at it
>Rudy is chanting some sort of mantra to call up a witch about the same thing
>after asking for permission, get back to 4chan to update
>lots of shit went down
>as usual, shit's usual
>>40323416(namedfag offers lore about various creatures)
>'known for mercenary work'
>oooh
>ask scalie about ancient elven treasures
>his silence tells me he does know something about them
So…do the harpy mercenaries wanna do some work here in the bayou?
We’re...I'm offering eleven treasures as payment for staying her to scout out crabbo nests and other magic baddies.
>>40325854 (this anon apparently knew where to call)
WUT
Call that friend to call that friend right now.
CDC just pinged the tank radio and gave some updates.They got /pol/ to negotiate with swamp witches for territory reg. disputes, but the /k/ group I'm with is now acting as insurance for anything they pull.
What's more is that scalie is saying crabs are being witched by witches to become BIG crabs. His guys are trying to fight back the crabs everytime they creep, but the witches keep making them.

Apparently, the CDC and the Scalie are willing to pay bloody blood money for the harpies now that they heard of them here.

But between me and this thread, harpy mercenaries are fantasy jetpack troopers I want to RIDE.
Interpret that as you want.

Anyways, the group's moving tomorrow on some witch bitch's land, and everyone is saying they would appreciate some eyes in the sky or any kind of air support if the witch gets flighty.

And CDC is giving out coordinates if asked.
>>40338646 (Fantasy /k/ thread starter was about to make new thread)
Ok thanks, just gonna dump events now
>>40336384 (author was emotionally affected by writefaggotry)
>he exploded
Taste shit in hell, ya oversized ice dick.
>>40326192 (late thank you to the anon who called the harpy mercenaries)
Seriously, thanks for sending them here to the swamp. They've been a riot, even if I'm a nogunz with only 1 hour practice with my USP.
And their callsign is Red Baron 1 and Red Baron 3 and so on with different Barons of color, as 1 explains to be colors of enemy blood they have spilled.
I grimly understand the red and green, but not the black and blue.
What creature has black blood?
Blue blood could be fish people methinks, but what creature has black?
I'm intrigued as the scalie is.
Speaking of which, the scalie today did get a new fishing pole by making a witch make another one for him.
But what happened today...
>18 hours ago
>be guy who wanted to go camping, but instead thought sticking it with /k/ nugget comp. was better idea
>wake up from my tent
>right no toothbrush
>borrow Rudy's toothbrush after washing it in the swamp water, because even that’s cleaner than what I’m brushing with
>scalie offers us a big fish he caught in exchange for a gun
>Gum, Rudy, and /k/rew say no
>I also agree because still doubtful from my killed phone, but ask what the fish looks like
>the scalie hauls forth a fucking fish-man hybrid
>8/10 legs of a human girl but nasty midsection to head catfish
>bottomfeeder is not what we need for breakfast
>also I’m seeing the reason of CDC’s wetwork
>after seeing the scalie look down after our disapproval, I offer to give him a visit to a real meat market after this trip of mine is over
>fucker wants me to show him what squid tastes like
Yeah, I promise you’ll even try cow beef!
>he seems quite elated and pleased with that 2 second grin
>get pinging from tank radio
>/k/ group now has overwatch positions while CDC and /pol/ talks with swamp witch council
>watch for actually trash megumin lookalike and her even dirtier troupe of followers
>Gum asks what to do with deadweight nogunz
>DEADWEIGHT
>Shit, /k/ might consider warhammer’s /k/ommisar execution of bad troopers for “boosting morale”
>Rudy says no, cuz I summoned the harpies from earlier, I need to take responsibility for them
>well fine, I’m a harpy lord, or harpy coordinator then
>ask scalie about the payment for harpies, where da mythril stuff at?
>turns out scalie only has a bunch of beartraps and empty chests to catch anything for selling or eating
>well shit
>also, BOI
>/k/rew decides to pitch in and pool all their expensive toys as new payment and we move
>silent running in a swamp for 4 hours
>we keep moving through the occasional abomination of nature
>Play Of The Game: OP mushroom dryad gets huffed for the last time by /k/ using incendiary rounds
>MVP: Rudy for most amount of quips that made the guys laugh as he slaughtered talking frogs
>Most Kills Made:/k/ommando who used his dwarf-forged double barrel tec-9 to dispatch a crowd of hostile scalies
>our scalie is fine with this cuz ‘they were unworthy freshwaters’
>on the way scalie offers to check the traps nearby
>k sure because tank’s nearby
>oh shit another abomination
>imagine a capybara from the amazon with 3 traps clamped on its body
>but make it some tusky platypus, and the traps are big enough to trap cows
>poor fucker must have drifted through on accident
>scalie and the /k/ slowly agree we can eat this thing later
>we’ve arrived at the overwatch spot
>tank’s hidden behind a fallen tree
>/k/ommandos turn into frog men with underwater guns and start swimming
>they also have pepe masks for the lulz
>me, scalie, Gum, and Rudy are on a low island behind the tank, watching for trouble from afar
>the ATM (actually trash megumin) is taking shelter in what looks like those swamp huts from Minecraft
>shifty lookin bitch is surrounded by BIG crabbo and BIG catfish riding witches.
>scalie realizes something and tells Rudy to pull back frogmen
>Catfish and swamp witches can sense the water
>Good the water doesn’t explode
>now this is where we wait for 5 hours
>hearing witch talk out loud about her rights as a resident of her domain allowing her to exercise her powers, her decision to be recognized as a frog than a toad, her efforts to create the perfect boar platypus, etc. about witch responsibilities
>real murky stuff /pol/ has to deal with considering the living situation of this ATM
>on the other hand, scalie has managed to apologize to Gum and Rudy for trashing their weapons
>through loving arm wrestle that surprisingly ended in a tie given how Scalie managed to crush Rudy’s machete
>it soon got bad afterwards
>frogmen had to take a break at 4 hour mark
>poor guys might have developed gills, cuz their necks feel more hairy than usual
>hopefully CDC might be able to handle that
>Gum’s radio starts crackling at roughly 5 hour mark
>ride of the Valkyries playing
Red Baron 1 reporting.
Blue Baron 1 reporting.
Green Baron 1 reporting.
Black Baron 1 reporting.
>oh shit the Valkyries are here
>oh wait it’s the harpies, but…
Where do we land and rape the enemy with hot lead?
>oh my, such words
>Rudy states rape time is to be held back and *other combat coordinate lingo IDK because non-operator*
Acknowledged. What is callsign? I Repeat, what is callsign?
>I offer Salamander as a name
Copy, Salamander. Maintaining airstrike positions.
>music cuts and sounds of disgust are heard through the radio
>birdgirl screeching
>human sighs
Red Baron 3! Hold your position!
>oh shit SMG rounds in earshot
GET SUM YA DIRTY THOTS! AND GIVE ME YOUR DAMN MAGIC FISH
>catfish and its rider suddenly drops as a Red blur appears and disappears over the hut
Goddamn it Frieda!
IT’S A RAID AND RAPE RAVE YA TERROR BIRDS
>ATM screeches
>oh god where’s my pistol
>Rudy tells to engage the damn witch bitches from the air goddamn now
>music is heard in the air
>frogmen slip on the pepes and dive
>tank fires from the fallen tree and a crab is fallen
>before I can cock the slide, 6 catfish and witches die by hot lead, leaving 5 crabs and 4 catfish riders remaining
>wait is that a gunstaff that ATM has?
>scalie dives in the moment ATM screeches so loudly it might as well be
WHAT ARE YE DOING IN MAH SWAMP!
>tank fires again, but the fired round is stopped midair and explodes
>it’s a goddamn magic forcefield
>Gum and Rudy tactically facepalm and then order the frogmen engage inside the forcefield
>look to me for answers for what to do with the harpies
UHHHHHHH, get the harpies to target/rape the crabs?
>no wait bad idea
>frogmen already killing off catfish riders and catfish, but having trouble with BIG crabbos and ATM with her gunstaff shooting blasts of explosive dirt
>mudballs that explode
>scalie is dealing with crabbos his way by playing dirtball baseball with mixed success
>okay let’s save our frogmen
>order harpies to grab them and take them back to the tank
Copy Salamander 1.
Red Baron 2, 3 and Green Barons, extract the human frogs!
The rest of us, provide covering fire on those armored scrubs!
>the forcefield is breached and it’s weirdly satisfying watching frog /k/ommandos double teaming with harpies as they hold a fighting retreat
>they get back and recover
>for a bunch of mythical vulture ladies, you look pretty
>good for flying me high
>especially with those MP5s and 100 rd mags
>yep my drool is 1 reason they won’t touch the ground
>meanwhile crabbos get harassed badly, 1 getting bullied from 3 simultaneous flying bayonet charges
>ATM gets real mad
>she summons GIANT mud golem to terrorize,
>but thankfully, Gum and Rudy decide to bring the tank past the forcefield
>I’m also coming in
>I’m COMING IN MANNING A BROWNING
>oh fair enough, you guys don’t trust a nogunz enough to force a safety on this Browning
>harpy mercs also following in carrying frogmen, all of them firing on the crabbos or the golem
>tank seemed to have charged its inner D-Day spirit because it tore through the shield and broke a crabbo’s face
>It fired again at another crabbo, 4 crabbos left
>oh, the golem is falling down now
>OH GOD REVERSE REVERSE REVERSE
>???
>thanks scalie for pushing us out of mudslide, cuz you really deserve the meat market trip
>apparently ATM is surrendering now
>she’s ‘only doing this so she can expose /k/ for the monsters they are’
>okay fine
>/k/rew is calling in CDC and /pol/ice to take in the witch
>also watching witch for anything funny
>wait how is the scalie and witch on speaking terms?
>you better not betray us
>huh, I dunno what happened, but scalie’s bat for mudballs was turned into a fishing pole
>good for him
>Rudy and Gum decide to investigate witch hut
>come with, and it’s pretty homey enough that it reminds me of watamote
>social justice witch? Or am I reading something wrong with literal magic mud printed poster?
>okay another goddamn wood PC
>Rudy got enough connections to look through it
>Moogle email account has talks with special movement in the news that fights for a nonhuman president
>not touching that shit, but Gum and Rudy seem very interested in it
>merc harpies guides 3 heavy helis to the spot
>hazmat and suited representatives armed with glowing guns and clubs step out
>I’m offered the chance to get in and leave the swamp
>uhhh, not yet, cuz I still want to have fun here
>hear collective audible doubt
>oh you fags, you’re going to like to have me here, nogunz or not
>the /pol/ice and CDC hands the group some pay and needed ammunition
>also some commissioned airburst grenade launcher that’s getting the /k/rew relieved and the merc harps excited
>so they’re both sweating and aroused, while I’m just marveling at the sizes of these barrels
>so that’s what military steel feels like
>the group apparently has a new final objective: destroy a tainted mutant dryad responsible for bringing magic energy to the swamp in a way that harms the fuck out of the natural biodiversity
>eg. large territorial lizardmen (not including our scalie because he was filed under non-mutant anthro-terrestial), talking frogs, vines with eyes, killer clams, multi-headed eels, etc.
>after all that, we go home
>the CDC is also taking any collected magic-mutated animals we stumbled across, so they take the dead creatures killed in the battle, including the 3 surviving crabbos
>much to scalie’s and Frieda’s dismay, they can’t have the giant catfish because they’re being held as evidence
>we get new camping supplies for the night that allow us to sleep like real elite soldiers
>/pol/ice leave and we take that as our cue to retrieve the massive tusky platypus scalie caught
>thing damn took 4 hours to clean and 2 hours to cook, and by the time post is finished, finally gone into our stomachs
>as I’ve said before here
>>40338678 →
, the harpy mercs are pretty much a riot
>other than their uniform color scheme meanings, these girls remind me of contract temps
>clearly so specialized in their craft that they barely talk to us on things other than guns or tactics
>Also, while /k/ommandos get hungry enough after /k/ombat to eat at least 2 kilos of swamp animal meat, harpy mercs eat like twice as much
>probly eating fried skin, poached intestine, boiled liver, and fucking raw hearts to cover for the energy they used to fly here and carry firing /k/rew in battle
>they also abstain from alcohol and prefer grape juice, so that’s quite sobering
>I’m…seeing one of them as I type this
>hope she can’t read
>she’s Black 3, the one polishing some bootlegged FN SCAR
>Scalie saw me watching her and whipped my ass with his tale towards her
>later he would say he thought he was gaining my trust by doing that, which he really didn’t because it’s not like I was wanting to fall facedown in front of her
>inb4 baka, no seriously, ya idiots, she’s a dirty merc
>remember what I said the harp mercs ate? I found that out from her lips
>no not by kissing you pervs, but being a good janitor and plumber teaches you to watch for certain types of grime, and I could read her face like a dictionary of blood and unmentionables
>so being the cleaning person I am, I just had to freak out and use my sleeve to wipe off that disgusting mess off her mouth
>oh shit her teeth is quite sharp looking
>at this distance, she looks like cross between bowsette and…something bird-like and graceful
>quite exotic
>wait was I supposed to get slapped or something
…Are ya trying ta butter me up? Cuz payment’s not cleaning my face…
>oh shit I forgot about payment
>elven treasures don’t work, and at the rate I’m goin’, /k/rew’s special pile isn’t enough
>make excuse that 4chan will always provide
>ever since then ALL the harpies have talked to me at least once, hounding me about services and payment being guaranteed, or else
>/k/rew probly doesn’t care about how I handle the harpies as long they don’t get hurt, scalie can only do so much with his size, so now…I gotta start offering goods that would make them not need to anger rape me
I have a few ideas hatched out guys who read this, but any suggestions on wat else I could provide to these harp mercs? And not including free sex?
I live in a suburban place with foreign food stores and restaurants and near a few major non-human catering stations that sprung up (the news station I work at being one of them), so can I give something from home when I get back?
anyways good night, and hopefully no harpy rape midnight
(anon was given response on that he should host a damn good BBQ or exotic food tasting as suitable payment)
2 days later in real time...
As requested before his disappearance, this post has been made to honor his memory.
This is a tribute to the "nogunz" anon whose body was never recovered after stealing 3 37mm tank rounds and presumably detonating them within his desired enemy, a swamp type Mega Bitch-Class dryad capable of subduing armored ground and light air forces.
May he be remembered for being a nongunz that was as expendable as his USP Compact, yet dumb enough to use it for saving the majority of our lives.
Where ever you are, Mack "Scalie" Dundee and Unit Black 3 thanks you for giving them your keys to your apartment and access to your personal belongings.

-Tanya Degureux, Red Baron 1,
representative of Harpy Help Co.
(in truth, nogunz anon did not find a more descriptive fulfilling ending because like other new writefags, he felt that no one wanted his story to continue when everyone was chatting more often about the longer awesomer /k/ inspired stories popping up, and anon thought his story was not /k/ enough, so he left it at this ending and accepted lurkdom once more, before becoming part of the anons that looked to the skies for the Demon Jet anon and a /k/ moon base.)
(after reading later that there were probably some lurkers that still found his story interesting to refer to as fun, nogunz anon is considering reviving himself from the sad ending he made earlier and making an comeback focusing on sharing his life with 2  creatures who thought he was ded)