notkickass222urmom

One of a kind

Jan 15th, 2017
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  1. After about three minutes of looking through the "recent updates" feed, I found this gem:
  2. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/315310/one-of-a-kind
  3.  
  4. Look at those tags. That synopsis. Those chapter lengths. That author bio. Those comments. Prime riffing material, methinks.
  5.  
  6. //------------------------------//
  7. // The One of A kind// Story: One of a kind// by JJcrafter50//------------------------------//
  8.  
  9. >Humans.
  10. We're off to a great start, folks!
  11.  
  12. >We thought of ourselves as indestructible
  13. Then explain why the post-apocalyptic genre is so popular.
  14.  
  15. >but now I know that that is not so.
  16. Ah. Slow learner, I see.
  17.  
  18. >We called it the flare (Shut it you perverts)
  19. That's what she said.
  20.  
  21. >it was a colossal wave of energy sent to the earth from the sun.
  22. Presumably set off by Lex Luthor.
  23.  
  24. >Unlike a normal flare of this size the earth wasn’t burnt to a crisp but instead it was filled with a strange energy.
  25. The same strange energy that drives autistics to write fanfics, I imagine.
  26.  
  27. >This energy would either be accepted by the human body or it would change them into something that was acceptable for it to inhabit.
  28. If only it would make this story acceptable to read.
  29.  
  30. >I was unlike the others well sort of.
  31. You're a first person human protagonist on Fimfiction. That you're a special snowflake sorta goes without saying.
  32.  
  33. >My father had known about this flare and although he warned many others only a few listened.
  34. Probably because he had you for a son.
  35.  
  36. >So they began the Methuselah project.
  37. Named for all the meth that his father would use to cope with the fact that he had an idiot son.
  38.  
  39. >This project was formed so that a single human would go without mutations and would carry with him a gene bank capable of reigniting our race.
  40. Because humans pop out of the thin air after some moron slams genes together in a gene bank.
  41.  
  42.  
  43.  
  44. >The scientist hid themselves and me in a underground nuclear shelter that had been converted into a laboratory. There they finished the project and left me and my father to talk about what was to happen to me.
  45. Something tells me it'll have something to do with pastel colored horses. Just a thought.
  46.  
  47. >“Son?”
  48. >“Yes dad,” I was only sixteen at the time of the projects completion.
  49. That is not a dialogue tag. That is a skid mark.
  50.  
  51. >“We need to talk.”
  52. Exposition time?
  53.  
  54. >“Is it about the project?”
  55. Exposition time.
  56.  
  57. >“Yes and something else too.”
  58. >“Well what is it?”
  59. "You will never lose your virginity."
  60.  
  61. >“We need a single human to be the one to carry the genes into the future.”
  62. >“And?”
  63. >“And we have decided that you should be that human.”
  64. Who talks like this?
  65.  
  66. >“What?”
  67. >“You unlike the rest of us were only partially exposed to the energies because I had already moved you down here.”
  68. Oh, so like the protagonists of Fallouts 1 and 3. Will we ever get a post-apoc pony fanfic that *doesn't* steal from Fallout?
  69.  
  70. >“What about the rest of you can’t you come too?” my eyes were beginning to tear up at my father’s words.
  71. Predictably, our super-special protagonist is also a moron.
  72.  
  73. >“We only had time to create one pod and besides the mutations are already taking affect,” he rolled up the sleeve of his shirt revealing the dark blue fur that was slowly sprouting up.
  74. Why does the strange energy turn them into furries? Is it some sort of metaphysical DeviantArt?
  75.  
  76. >“Oh my God dad!”
  77. >“Don’t worry about me but I must tell you something.”
  78. >“What?” I said now having tears streaming down my face.
  79. "You're a wizard, Harry."
  80.  
  81.  
  82.  
  83. >“You are the last pure human son
  84. He said this just seconds ago, but repeats himself anyway. Because he knows his son is an idiot.
  85.  
  86. >and you are our only chance at survival I am sorry that I must leave this to you but it is our only option.”
  87. >“I..I understand.”
  88. >“Son with you there will be a few things.”
  89. Because what video game adventure would be complete without the intro taking stock of our inventory?
  90.  
  91. >“Like what?” I said as I slowly wiped the tears from my face.
  92. Please tell me it doesn't include an iPod.
  93.  
  94. >“With you you will have a gene bank with the ability to restart the human race provided it has enough biomatter and fluids.
  95. So there will be fetch quests. Got it.
  96.  
  97. >You will also have with you an AI by the name of Delta he will reside within the shelter and run all of the processes needed to keep you in stasis.”
  98. >“Stasis?”
  99. This guy is sixteen years old.
  100.  
  101. >“Let me finish.”
  102. >“Ok.”
  103. >“You will still be in the shelter obviously and outside of the pod there will be a suit of armor
  104. Why is there armor in the sci-fi age? Unless they're also stealing Fallout's power-armor.
  105.  
  106. >we are working on that will be finished when you awaken.”
  107. How convenient.
  108.  
  109. >“So stasis?”
  110. >“You will be frozen in time and will not age.”
  111. >“Ok I guess.”
  112. He's taking the idea of being frozen and unconscious for hundreds, even thousands of years, surprisingly well.
  113.  
  114. >“I have already programmed Delta to serve you when you awake and he will also build many additions to the shelter while you sleep.”
  115. Delta can pull shelter upgrades straight out of his mechanical ass, it seems.
  116.  
  117. >“Alright I guess but if he is an AI how will he build?”
  118. We have robots *today* that can build things. How is even a question?
  119.  
  120. >“We left him with a android that he will be able to control.”
  121. >“Ok.”
  122. >“Congrats son your one of a kind.”
  123. Just like every other human protagonist on Fimfiction.
  124.  
  125.  
  126.  
  127. >[2 hours later]
  128. >I was fitted into my stasis suit and was locked inside of the pod.
  129. JJ "Passive Voice" Crafter
  130.  
  131. >Through the glass of the pod’s only window I could see the few scientists who were pushing multiple buttons and pulling even more levers. Suddenly it started to get cold very cold and the last thing I heard was my Father’s voice.
  132. "I wonder how much this idiot's organs will make me on the black market."
  133.  
  134. >“Goodnight John.”
  135. >(Place ??? time ??? year ???)
  136. >There was green fire in the streets with many bug like creatures running around the city blasting any living thing with a goo like substance that once making contact with flesh quickly hardened and immobilized the victim.
  137. Thanks for ruining Heinlein's 'Starship Troopers', asshole.
  138.  
  139. >“Ha ha ha ha,” laughed an unknown but distinctly feminine voice. “Look at your ponies run Celestia do you see and understand their fear.”
  140. Wait, is this taking place in horse land? What about the POV?
  141.  
  142. >“I thought changelings fed on love?”
  143. >“No no no my dear Celestia,” said the creature now revealed to be a changeling. “That would be my sister Chrysalis my hive feeds on terror especially the kind we create.”
  144. I had no idea that two animals could be entirely different species while still having the same parents.
  145.  
  146. >Off to the right was the form of a small creature with wings and a horn.
  147. >“Help me auntie.”
  148. >“She can no longer help you child she is just as weak as you mother and father were when I killed them.”
  149. Cadence and her husband died just as they lived: as boring set pieces.
  150.  
  151.  
  152.  
  153. >The young child could be seen with tears forming in it’s eyes.
  154. >“Why did you do it?” she asked.
  155. >“Because girl I couldn’t have another alicorn getting in my way and because you are still to young and weak to do anything you must watch as your auntie is destroyed.”
  156. So, instead of going after the two alicorns who can actually challenge you and get "in the way" of whatever it is you want, you steal a baby and antagonize those same alicorns. You're even dumber than your sister.
  157.  
  158. >The changeling collected a greenish energy around it’s crooked horn and fired at the older alicorn. Celestia would have surely died had the energy bolt
  159. Because shield spells are completely alien to the millenia-old alicorn.
  160.  
  161. >not been stopped by a purple shield that had been formed by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle herself.
  162. >“No one is dying today Carapace.”
  163. No comment on her brother dying, it seems.
  164.  
  165. >“Ah if it isn’t the weakest of them all.”
  166. >Behind the new alicorn was a large male dragon who had gone from his age of only eight to the age of fifteen which allowed him to gain his wings and an amazing amount of strength.
  167. I wonder how many dungeon rats he had to kill to level up that far.
  168.  
  169. >“And who is this your fuck buddy?”
  170. >“Nope
  171. About a thousand different fanfics beg to differ.
  172.  
  173. >I’m spike her number one assistant.”
  174. >“Mmmmm although my kind feast on terror I could use and assistant with some other needs.”
  175. Is one wish-fulfillment self-insert not enough for you, author?
  176.  
  177.  
  178.  
  179. >“Not today bitch,” the dragon then let out a stream of green fire that would have easily turned her to dust if not for the shield she put up.
  180. >“Mmmm a feisty one aren’t you.”
  181. >While the three much stronger beings were doing battle. Flurry Heart had quickly made her way to Celestia and was using her magic to cut through the hard goo that had attached itself to her.
  182. Because a baby is really that smart, right? The human is sixteen, and he doesn't even know what cryogenic stasis is.
  183.  
  184. >“Hurry,” she quietly whispered to her grand niece.
  185. >Just as she was almost done they heard a large thump which turned out to be Twilight and Spike hitting the magically hardened wall.
  186. Hey, if my action scenes were this poorly written, I'd hit my head against the wall, too.
  187.  
  188. >“Now that that is dealt with I can finish you off,” she said turning back to her original target only to see Flurry Heart trying to put up a shield between Carapace and her great aunt.
  189. >“Ha child you are a fool to believe you could stop me but I commend you for trying,” said the somewhat surprised changeling. “Unfortunately I’m going to have to kill you.”
  190. Carapace may not be above child-murder, but convenient child-murder? Even that's below her standards.
  191.  
  192. >As her horn began to charge something random happened.
  193. >“CRASH!” the ground to their right split open allowing a bipedal being to walk through and shout six words.
  194. >“What the fuck is going on?!”
  195. I'm halfway inclined to ask the same question.
  196.  
  197.  
  198.  
  199.  
  200. //------------------------------//
  201. // A whole new world// Story: One of a kind// by JJcrafter50//------------------------------//
  202.  
  203. >Author's Note:
  204. >The first part of this is mostly a timeline of Delta's life so if you want to skip it you can.
  205. Oh, no, you're not getting away that easily.
  206.  
  207.  
  208. >(POV Delta)
  209. "[POV X]". Always the mark of a master wordsmith.
  210.  
  211. >[40,000 years after cryo freeze]
  212. In the grim darkness of the far future, there are only anthro ponies.
  213.  
  214. >It has been forty thousand years since my creators deaths and since that time there have been many more solar flares that are flooding this world with energy.
  215. I had no idea solar flares turned people into man-horse abominations.
  216.  
  217. >From my observations the energies seem to be changing the planet in many different ways.
  218. >One of these ways would be that the energy is somehow changing the deserts into massive forests.
  219. And the massive forests into... Pandora?
  220.  
  221. >[160,000 years after cryo freeze]
  222. >I have found the reason for the sun not expanding over the years into a red giant.
  223. You are aware, author, that this process takes millions, if not *billions* of years, right?
  224.  
  225. >The reason for it’s constant size is the flares that are letting off large amounts of energy that had they been inside the sun would have created a red giant engulfing the planet in flames.
  226. Protip: If you want to write sci-fi, at least have the decency to pay attention in middle school.
  227.  
  228. >[200,000 years after cryo freeze]
  229. >Over the years I have made sense of many myths. From my understanding there were many flares before 2025 most of them took place in the time of the greeks.
  230. You mean the ones who built marble temples, or the ones who made a sport of flushing the EU's money down the toilet?
  231.  
  232. >The creatures from these flares were products of mutations. Unfortunately they were hunted to extinction.
  233. You'd think Herodotus would've mentioned the flying magical anthro-ponies in his historical works.
  234.  
  235.  
  236.  
  237. >The same has already happened above ground and because of this the human population is now down to about a million but they shrinking due to the relentless bombardment of solar flares.
  238. You know, author, you could've just said "a wizard did it", and achieved the same thing without embarrassing yourself with your scientific and historical illiteracy.
  239.  
  240. >[420,000 years after cryo freeze]
  241. >I have finally decided to focus on the tasks given to me by John’s father.
  242. And it's only taken 420 millenia for him to get around to it. Real geniuses, the guys who programmed this AI.
  243.  
  244. >These tasks were for me to create a sustainable underground environment which meant I would need both food and water. Another thing I needed to do is finish the suit.
  245. Because this really bears repeating after a less-than-2000-word first chapter.
  246.  
  247. >[500,000 years after cryo freeze]
  248. >The world is once again stable. The flares seem to have stopped and now the planet must restart the cycle of life.
  249. Wait, so do the solar flares kill animals, or does it turn them into anthro ponies? Make up your mind, author.
  250.  
  251. >[690,000 years after cryo freeze]
  252. >I had to fix one of the fuses in the systems that were keeping John alive.
  253. We all wish you didn't.
  254.  
  255. >[780,000 years after cryo freeze0
  256. >I was recently alerted to a large animal walking above the shelter but was surprised to find what looked to be a dragon.
  257. >I came to this conclusion from the fact that it was a large winged lizard spewing fire.
  258. A real Sherlock Holmes, this AI.
  259.  
  260. >After seeing this animal I tapped into other satellites that had survived and searched for any thing new.
  261. But, unfortunately, only found ancient reruns of D-list horror films and soap operas. All of which are still better than this fanfic.
  262.  
  263.  
  264.  
  265. >[780,010]
  266. >In the past ten years I have found a number of large creatures inhabiting the planet but none of them seem even slightly sentient.
  267. It takes 420 millenia for an AI to get around to doing its assigned job, but only ten years for large creatures to form from the protoplasmic goo.
  268.  
  269. >[870,000]
  270. >Using the satellites I have found a number of small stone age settlements
  271. None of which are as primitive as the author's prose.
  272.  
  273. >filled with what looks to be anthropomorphic horses. These settlements were segregated into three groups. I came to call them horses, unicorns, and pegasi.
  274. Because the unicorns and pegasi are apparently not horses.
  275.  
  276. >[870,000]
  277. >Many other sentients had started popping up around the globe. These sentient species resembled many myths such as Gryphons and Minotaurs.
  278. You mentioned the Greeks earlier, so why not now?
  279.  
  280. >I watched these creatures before returning my self to my ‘sleep’ mode.
  281. >[950,000]
  282. >War the unicorn race was at war with the Minotaurs. This was not good because one of their major battles was taking place on a mountain right above the shelter.
  283. Because so many large-scale battles in the ancient world were fought on mountains.
  284.  
  285. >The worst of all was that there was so much energy being used there it was messing with our systems and causing the effects of the cryo chambers to slowly stop working.
  286. Ah. So, magic screws up the cryo chambers... some... how.
  287.  
  288. >I believe we have thirty years at the most.
  289. >[960,000]
  290. Stupid, stupid, stupid AI.
  291.  
  292. >The war had stopped and an ever greater one was being fought. This war was between the three horse races.
  293. The war only took about two months as the unicorns promptly curb-stomped everypony else with their ridiculous magic.
  294.  
  295. >The energy that was once again released thoroughly slowed our systems and I believe we have about ten years.
  296. >[965,000]
  297. >The races stopped their war
  298. A war that had been raging nonstop for 5000 years..
  299.  
  300.  
  301.  
  302. >for only one reason. They had come together to fight a beast that was filled with energy.
  303. Yawn.
  304.  
  305. >It was one of the worst mutations I had ever laid my ‘eyes’ on.
  306. Something I'm more than willing to say about this fanfic.
  307.  
  308. >It was capable of altering reality and summoning more mutants.
  309. >[966,500]
  310. >The war recently ended with two pegacorns using a energy weapon to freeze the beast in solid stone.
  311. A war that lasted for 1500 years.
  312.  
  313. >[968,000]
  314. >One of the two pegacorns has mutated and gained a large amount of power with it’s mutation. The one I believe to be it’s sister used the weapon against the other and was able to teleport it to the moon.
  315. >[968,994]
  316. >We are running low on power
  317. After close to a million years.
  318.  
  319. >and I must start the awakening process immediately.
  320. No. Don't. Please don't.
  321.  
  322. >[968,995]
  323. >John will awaken in around five years but another interesting event took place today. A purple unicorn, a white unicorn, a blue pegasus, a yellow pegasus, a orange horse, and a pink horse found the weapons and used them to return the pegacorn to it’s original state.
  324. >[968,996]
  325. >Many events have passed since the purple unicorn arrived in the small town and it is the most entertainment I have had in years.
  326. Although many D-list reruns of horror films and soap operas were rescued from the miraculous satellites scattered throughout the solar system for no discernible reason, the reruns of My Little Pony could not be recovered.
  327.  
  328. >[968,998]
  329. >In the past two years the beast had escaped twice but the second time it seemed to be tamed by the threat of the weapons being once again used.
  330. >[968,999]
  331. >Damn communism it made it’s way into the future via pink unicorn with purple hair.
  332. This line made me wish Liberty Prime was the protagonist of this story.
  333.  
  334.  
  335.  
  336. >[969,000]
  337. >Time to wake up.
  338. >(POV John)
  339. >It felt like I had only been frozen for seconds and when I awoke I was just waiting for my father to come and get me.
  340. I guess he was too stupid to understand his dad telling him he wouldn't be there despite him explicitly stating it.
  341.  
  342. >Instead I got a green AI named Delta.
  343. >“Hello sir.”
  344. >“What the hell is going on?”
  345. Bad sci-fi by an autist who's bad at science.
  346.  
  347. >“You are still awakening from your slumber so I shall remind you of our goal.”
  348. Because our motives are so bland and cliched that our audience needs to be reminded of them every chapter.
  349.  
  350. >“Goal?”
  351. >“Your father sent us into the future so that we could reignite the human race.”
  352. Preferably with a match and some petroleum.
  353.  
  354. >“How long was I out?”
  355. >“969,000 years, 5 months, 6 days, and 15 minutes.”
  356. >“Pretty specific aren’t ya.”
  357. >“I was programmed to help you with anything you need assistance with.”
  358. "Okay, how about you cure my autism?"
  359. "That would require curing the autism of the author; such an immense feat would require divine intervention. I deeply apologize."
  360.  
  361. >“Ok then tell me what is going on right now?”
  362. >“We are currently in the shelter which now has a castle build above it.”
  363. >“Wow a castle.”
  364. >“Yes a castle but that is not all we are now underneath a mountain that formed over us.”
  365. >“Is there any way out?”
  366. >“Yes but it will take about half a year to complete.”
  367. >“Ok I guess.”
  368. He's taking half a year with his thumb up his ass surprisingly well.
  369.  
  370.  
  371.  
  372. >“First we must get you to your room so that I can then show you around the shelter.”
  373. >[half a year later]
  374. [A bunch of boring crap telling us what we already know.]
  375.  
  376. >[another half a year later]
  377. >Delta finally finished the suit.
  378. After hundreds of thousands of years? Efficiency!
  379.  
  380. >It had taken him a lot longer than he first thought it would due to the low resources but finally it was done.
  381. Resources being another thing the AI can pull out from its robotic rectum; it just takes a while.
  382.  
  383. >The suit consisted of a modified cryo sleep suit that had been reenforced with enough power to stop most attacks. The outside had multiple pieces of armor attached to it that were made to keep vital organs safe but the most interesting part of the suit were the two gauntlets.
  384. >These gauntlets had been engineered to enhance and use the energy in any way I wished to use it.
  385. So, they make you a wizard. At least the author bothered to give sci-fi window dressing to his protagonist's Mary Sue powers.
  386.  
  387. >The interesting part was that because of the many solar flares more energy had been poured into the world. This enhanced my abilities even further
  388. What a fucking shock.
  389.  
  390. >and forced us to create a storage device that once full would stop draining energy from the air.
  391. >[3 months later]
  392. >There was a battle going on above us and I was using the satellites to watch it.
  393. So, you spent 3 months dicking around on your satellite TV instead of saving the human race. Good to know.
  394.  
  395.  
  396.  
  397. >This battle was between bug horses and normal horses. It was a gruesome display of blood filled streets that I had thankfully been desensitized to due to my constant battles within the VR training room.
  398. You know, one part of me wants to strangle the author for constantly ripping off Heinlein's magnum opus. The other part, however, tells me that thinking the author's ever read anything more substantial than a comic book is giving him too much credit. Hmm. What do you think, reader?
  399.  
  400. >I watched with curiosity as men, women, and children were slaughtered but there was one thing pulling at my mind.
  401. The popcorn, which was bland and slightly singed due to the AI's incompetence.
  402.  
  403. >A single child. This one felt different like she was important but I didn’t know why.
  404. Because she's the author's waifu, I'm guessing.
  405.  
  406. >I tried to push the feeling away but it only got stronger with each passing second. Finally after three minutes I decided I would help her. I mean how hard could it be.
  407. As hard as writing a good fanfic, perhaps.
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