Monsters & Mazes (Paladin version)

You decide to be the Cleric. They're pretty cool.
Britt hands you the figure of your choice.
It's a strong-looking, barrel-chested character wearing a full suit of gleaming armor.

angus "Ah yes, the classic knight in shining armor. I like them too."

Angus hands you your character sheet and dice. You look over your stats, and as far as you can remember, they're typical for your class.

eddie "Kinda sucks that the only people who like RPGs in this town are like, way older than me."
britt "I'm pretty much the same age."
eddie "Yeah but, like, that's it?"
eddie "My mom doesn't actually know you two are, like, over twenty. 'Cause that would sound weird, don't you think?"
angus "Call it adult supervision."
angus "Anyway… is everyone ready?"

The group nods eagerly. Eddie reaches for a handful of snack mix and loudly munches on it. Gregg takes another sip of his ale.

eddie "Yeah."
player "As ready as I'll ever be."
britt "Indeed."
gregg "Let's go!!"
gregg "It's time to go on an adventure!"
angus "Ok then, let's get to it."

Angus clears his throat and straightens himself.

angus "You have arrived in a small village, where you have heard rumors of bandits who have kidnapped much of the local children."
player "And we're here to rescue them?"
angus "Exactly."
angus "Their parents are distraught, but are afraid of the bandits. They threaten to harm the children if they do not pay three bags of gold, but none among them have enough."
angus "They have tried to gather all their life's savings together, but they sadly fall short."
gregg "Such cruel miscreants these bandits be!!"
gregg "Let's save the children!"

Well that was some hokey dialogue.

angus "You are standing at the outskirts of the town. Villagers are milling about in the marketplace, and there is an inn nearby, where a tavern can be found."
angus "Further down the road is the town hall."
angus "What will you do to find the children?"

You look at your character sheet. You have a pretty high "Strength" stat, as well as a moderately high "Charisma" stat, typical for a Paladin.

player "I say we go to the town constables and ask them. Surely he knows something?"
britt "Yes, surely they know where the last kidnapping occurred."
eddie "Alright, but let's do it quick, so I can give those bandits a taste of my blade as soon as possible!"
player "Where would the constables be, anyway?"
angus "Just a sec."

Angus shuffles a few papers from behind his screen.

angus "…It's the second tallest building in the village, next to the town hall."
player "I head straight to it and head inside."
angus "There are several men wearing helmets and capes standing around a table, talking very seriously, but they look very disorganized and distraught."
angus "There's not as many of them as you may have thought, and they look rather stressed and disheveled."
player "Uh, hello, may we speak with you?"
player "…Me and my friends have heard tell of the kidnappings in town. What do you know about it?"
angus "The men look up in surprise, looking overly stern and unimpressed."
angus "The chief, a man with a very large nose, loudly harrumphs at you."

Angus puts on a very blustery and ridiculous sort of voice, bobbing his head up and down comically.

angus "…Is that so?? Well, leave us to take care of that!"
britt "But it is our sincerest desire to rescue the children!"
angus "And why should we tell strangers like you anything about it?"
player "We want to help! We want to get rid of the bandits."
gregg "Down with the tyrants!!"
angus "It's our job to do that! What makes you more qualified to do it than us??"
eddie "Because we are adventurers, come here to aid you!"
eddie "And we're gonna kill all the bandits!"
player "Tell us… just how many of you compared to how many bandits?"
angus "Roll for Charisma to make the chief believe that you can help."

You and the others roll the dice, and you do halfway decently.

angus "The chief relaxes, but he still looks stern, giving you a stinkeye."
angus "Well… I must admit that all clues point to there being many, many more bandits than we thought."
angus "When we tried to stop them the last time, out in the Turnip Field, they beat all of us up! Johnston here still has his arm in a sling from when he fell down!"
angus "So I suppose it's possible that… we could use a few extra feet on the ground."
angus "But who are you people, anyway?"

gregg "Call me Gregorious, dashing scoundrel of the Woods!"
gregg "My arrows shoot straight and true, like… like an arrow!"
player "Gregorious?"
angus "Oh right. Most of us are playing characters we've been playing for a while."
player "Ah, right."
eddie "I am Yüb, Barbarian of the Northern Mountains!"
britt "You may call me Drearkor, Warlock of the Eastern Wastelands."
player "And, uh, I'm…"

You realize you have no idea what to call yourself. You've never been a part of a proper adventuring party.
Not since you were a kid, anyway.

player "I'm… I'm Hymsy, Hero of… Heroes!"
britt "…What?"
eddie "'Hero of Heroes'?"

You blush.

player "I dunno… those were the first words that came to my mind…"
player "It sounds cool, doesn't it?"
britt "Well, sure, but…"
gregg "I think it sounds awesome!"
player "Ok, ok… Hieronymus of the Highlands?"
eddie "Ok yeah, that sounds cool."
britt "Ok, sounds like somebody from the legends of old."
angus "Whatever you like, [newname]. I take it you haven't played a game like this in a while?"
player "Er, no. Not in years."
angus "Well, it's not that complicated. Ask me anything, if you're confused, and I'll try to catch you up."

Gregg takes another swig of pumpkin ale and passes the bottle to you.

player "Oh, um, thanks Gregg, but… I'm driving my motorcycle home, remember?"
gregg "Huh? Oh right. I forgot."

Eddie licks his lips, as if watching Gregg drink triggered his thirst.

eddie "Do we have anything to drink? This snack mix is kinda dry."
gregg "You want some of my pumpkin ale?"
eddie "Yeah."
angus "Gregg, he's underage. He can't have any."
eddie "Killjoy."
gregg "Yeah, total killjoy."
angus "Besides, would you want him to be caught by his mom with alcohol on his breath?"
eddie "…Dammit."
gregg "Then his mom's a killjoy!"
eddie "Hey! That's my mom you're talking about! You want me to get into trouble?"
gregg "Ugh, fine. More for me, then."
gregg "Unless Britt wants some?"
britt "Uhh, no thanks. I prefer wine."
gregg "Whatever…"
angus "You drink wine?"
britt "Only sometimes!"
angus "Well no matter, because we're not serving anyone under 21."
gregg "I drank my first beer when I was eighteen…"
eddie "Hey, are we gonna talk about booze or are we gonna keep playing?"

Gregg takes another drink.
What's happening here? You've never seen Angus and Gregg argue before.
You'd gotten the impression that they were very happy.

angus "I have some sodas in the fridge."
angus "…Seems like Gregg forgot to bring them out."
gregg "…Alright, alright, sorry I forgot the sodas, ok??"
angus "…It's fine."

You can tell that it isn't fine.
The two of them exchange a look. You have no idea what that look means, but it makes you nervous.
Angus briskly stands up and goes to get the sodas. When he returns, Eddie cracks one open and acts as if nothing happened.

angus "Anyway…"

Angus goes back into character.

angus "I must say, you sound determined enough. Perhaps you can help, after all!"
angus "We were discussing the best course of action, weren't we, boys? But our numbers are too small to simply storm their hideout, wherever that may be!"
gregg "We can take them on all by ourselves!!"
eddie "The villains will suffer for their heinous deed!"
angus "…I very much doubt that."
player "Um… so what do you know about the kidnappings?"
angus "Well… so far they've only entered town during the night, when we can't see them!"
angus "They go where the children can be found, and then they've spirited them away, leaving only ransom notes."
britt "Any idea where the bandits are hiding?"
angus "None. Except…"
player "…Yes?"
angus "…My men have noticed that… most of the kidnappings have occurred in the eastern part of town? I believe?"
angus "Johnston, do you remember? Isn't that right?"
britt "Sounds like a lead. Thank you for your help, sir. We shall head east, then."
player "Yes, our, uh… skills of detection are unmatched."
player "We'll find the bandits for you!"
angus "Will you really? Well, well! That will indeed be a load off my mind!"
eddie "Let us be off, then! The sooner we discover their whereabouts the better!"
angus "Good luck to all of you. Perhaps you should become policemen yourselves!"
player "Thank you, sir."
player "I say goodbye and head out."

angus "The chief salutes you as you leave."
player "Ok everyone, we have a lead. We need to get to the turnip farm as soon as possible."
gregg "Agreed! The bandits won't stay hidden much longer!"
gregg "I head towards the east!"
player "Hey, wait up!"
player "I, uh… hurriedly follow after him."
eddie "Ditto."
gregg "You guys, hurry up!"
angus "As you work your way through the crowd, the houses begin to thin out, and you see farmhouses on the horizon."
britt "I start huffing as I try to catch up with him."
eddie "Ditto."
angus "There's only a few houses left, and then the street ends at the beginning of a large field."
britt "Gregorious, hadn't you better save that energy for when we must fight the bandits?"
gregg "I thought you were as impatient as me, Drearkor!"
gregg "This dumb plot has just barely started! I want action!!"

Gregg suddenly stands up to strike a dramatic pose, but winds up nearly knocking over his beer.
He barely catches it, and some of the fluid spills onto the table and soaks a corner of the map.

gregg "Oh crap, sorry…"
angus "Gregg, please! Be careful!"
gregg "Ok, ok…"

Gregg tries to wipe off the beer with his leather sleeve. All it does is spread it around.

angus "Use a napkin."
gregg "Ok! Geez!"

Gregg grabs a napkin and cleans up as quickly as possible, and tosses the soggy thing on the ground.

angus "Not on the floor!"
gregg "Ok, damn!"
britt "Guys, calm down. We're here to have fun, remember?"
gregg "Yeah, Angus."
angus "She means both of us. Sorry everyone, I guess I'm not in the best of moods right now."
gregg "You can say that again."
angus "…And you're not helping."
gregg "…Sorry."

This is definitely souring the mood. And making the game drag on longer than it should.
Gregg picks up his trash and tosses it in a wastebasket, and sits back down.

gregg "Let's just go."
gregg "…I stand at the edge of the field, looking around for clues."
britt "I begin investigating as well."
britt "Everyone look around! This is as far east as the town goes, so this is probably close to where the bandits are hiding."
player "Wonder why the constables didn't try to do this themselves…"
britt "Those men seemed like fools to me."
angus "Roll for Intelligence to find clues, everyone."

Everyone rolls their dice. You all roll high numbers, except for Gregg, who rolls a 2.

gregg "Dammit!"

He takes a big chug of beer, exhaling loudly and spreading the smell across the table.
Eddie wrinkles his nose. Gregg belches.
Everyone tries to pretend nothing happened.

britt "What do you see, friend?"
angus "…You all discover fresh footprints in the soil."
player "…Wait, footprints?"
player "Weren't the constables here? Why didn't they see the footprints?"

"There's a pause in the air. All eyes turn on Angus, who begins shifting through his notes."

angus "Uh, because…"
eddie "…Because if they did then there wouldn't be a story."
britt "That… works?"
gregg "That works."
britt "And the cops are really stupid?"
angus "…I *was* trying to imply that, yes."

"You decide it might be best to keep those thoughts to yourself for the rest of the game."

angus "Anyway."
angus "You all find footprints, except for Gregorious, who mostly looks under rocks and misses them entirely."