Derekandclive

I'll tell you .....
(enormous belch) Testing, testing, .....
No, no, don't test any longer.
No.
Er, I'll tell you the worst job I ever had.
What was that?
The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know .....
Yeah, yeah.
..... big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.
Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.
Well, it was quite a task 'cause she had a big bum .....
Well, I remember.
..... and they were big lobsters.
I remember she had a huge bum.
Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife .....
(belches) Oh dear.
Shut up ..... she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening .....
Yeah.
..... when Jayne was sleeping or sort of comatose, like, .....
Yeah, yeah.
..... you know, you know.
Yeah.
You know, just lying there.
Comatose.
And the ne-
'Coma-toes to her head' huh-huh-huh.
'Coma-toes to her head' - shut up.
(coughs)
And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.
Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.
Well, you see, the lobsters .....
Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as 'lobsters-up-the-arsehole'.
Well, this is what it said scientifically, you know, .....
Yeah.
..... 'lobsters-up-the-bum', you know .....
Mmm.
..... this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as 'Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus'.
Yeah, yeah.
And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne .....
Mmm.
..... who was a sweet girl.
Yeah.
Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl .....
Yeah.
..... and get these fucking lobsters out of her arsehole.
Yeah.
Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu .....
Yeah.
..... which is where she used to go out bathing.
Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.
Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters - boing! - straight up her arsehole.
Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn't she?
Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know, .....
Yeah, yeah.
..... by the flagrant display which she got up to.
Well, I think she was a dirty cow.
Well .....
And being .....
No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let's face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.
Yeah, well, I think, I-, let's face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don't .....
Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn't say, "we have the upper hand", .....
No.
..... Jayne didn't say, "we have the upper hand" .....
There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.
No. It was a .....
A-, fif-
..... fifty-fifty thing.
I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it .....
Yeah.
Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.
Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event.
What event?
Post hoc, te proct.
P-post what?
Post hoc, te proct.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what it is in Latin, you know, .....
What-
..... getting lobsters out of people's bums, after they've, er, .....
Oh, post hoc, te proct.
Yes, yeah.
Well, when ..... (clears throat)
But she was a sweet girl and I wouldn't knock her.
Well, I gather you wouldn't, no.
No, I gather I wouldn't. But I'll tell you one thing Tony Newley said to me .....
What was that?
"Who are you?"
Yeah? Just like that.
Just like that. And I thought that made Tony Newley a-, a wonderful human being.
I'll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and .....
What, Tony Newley?
No, no, I don't know who it was, and he said, "You cunt".
Yeah.
I said, "What?" He said, "You cunt".
Yeah. And you replied, "You fucking cunt".
I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You cunt".
Yeah, yeah, yeah, .....
And then he said .....
..... what'd he come back with?
He come back. He says-, he said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "You calling me ..... "
You're joking! He said, "You fucking cunt"?
He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a cunt, you fucking c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
I should hope so, "you fucking cunt".
I s-, I said, "You fucking cunt", I said, "You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt".
I should say so.
I said, "You f-", I said, "You cunt". I said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "Who you fucking calling 'cunt', cunt?"
Yeah, what did he say, cunt?
He said, "You fucking cunt!"
Well, you fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?
Well, what d'you fu-, what d'you fucking think, mate, I fucking de-, defending my fucking self, weren't I?
Well, no, he come up to you, call you "cunt", .....
Yeah!
..... that's fair enough, what he said, "you fucking cunt", and you said back to him, "you fucking fucking cunt".
I sa-, well, .....
Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"
Well, I don't-, I don't expect nothing, do I?
No.
But the f-, the cunt come back with, "you fucking cunt", cunt.
Well, Christ, .....
I said, "You cunt?" I said, "You calling me a fucking cunt .....
Yeah.
..... You fucking-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
Jesus Christ, yeah.
I said, "You-", I said, "You, you fucking cunt".
Yeah, what-
I said, like that.
You said it like that, did you, .....
Yeah.
..... to him, .....
Yeah.
..... or was he gone by then?
No, he fucking hit me. Fu-
Hit you, did he?
Yeah, fucking cunt.
Killed you dead, did he?
Nah, he-, he fucking hit me. I said, I said, .....
Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?
I said, "You, you rotter".
Yeah.
And he-, he went off.
Did he?
And he said, "You cunt" again.
Well, 't's the only way to deal with him, 'init?
Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn't I?
Yeah, well, you had to, didn't you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn't you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.
Yeah.
I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".
Oh no .....
And I thought, "Christ!"
Yeah.
You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello", .....
Provocative fucker.
..... fucking provocative.
Mmm.
I said, "What d'you mean, 'hello'?" And, do you know what he came back with?
Yeah.
He said, erm, "I just meant, 'hello'" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out .....
Yeah, right.
..... right, for a starter, .....
Yeah, right.
..... 'ere, get this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!"
I-, yeah, like he comes in with 'hello' and then goes out with 'euuughh'.
Yeah, I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!" and I kicked his fucking teeth in!
Yeah.
Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "Fucking hell! .....
I said, "This is fucking too much", eh?
..... Don't you fucking 'Aaaghh' me!"
Yeah.
And I really kicked his ear in, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.
Yeah.
And, d'you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I'm dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn't going to be, you know, put upon in that way.
You weren't going to be dictacted to, were you?
Well, no, why should I be dictated to?
No, exactly, no.
By some cunt who says 'euuughh!'
Yeah, preceding it with 'hello'!
Yeah. 'Hello' was the worst thing, that's what got me going.
Fucking cunt, yeah, what a cunt.
What a cunt, eh?