Nick vs Sinatrogre

Vampsquirrel
Exactly, the ogre bursts from the forest around you roaring a challenge. Or at least that's what it tries to do. It's head is a fish, and so it begins singing Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon" instead. This is somehow more terrifying than the roar would've been, but you soldier on.
STRIFE
Please roll initiative
RA
11
→ `DICE has joined
Vampsquirrel
((there we go))
→ Velcha has joined
RA
((Who is Velcha))
roll 1d20
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20 [ 1d20=7 ]{7}
Velcha
((Who are you))
Vampsquirrel
roll 1d20-2
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d20-2 [ 1d20=15 ]{13}
RA
((lets go with that roll))
Vampsquirrel
He's some dude fighting an ogre, and she's a sociopath.
RA
((One of those C3 Newbies?))
Vampsquirrel
((I haven't the faintest idea if she's a newb, but I know Velcha's a c3 character.))
((anyways, back to the singing ogre.))
Guest83758
< Hi Pissy <
RA
"You're going down, um, Buster.... Ground."
Vampsquirrel
The ogre charges you and flings itself forward trying to bodyslam you.
roll 1d20+3
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=12 ]{15}
RA
((Is it a dodge))
Vampsquirrel
No, it's a regular attack.
roll 2d4+3
RA
((Can I block))
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 2d4+3 [ 2d4=3 ]{6}
Vampsquirrel
((no))
He slams himself into you, dealing  6 damage before standing up and continuing to aggressively sing.
Your turn.
RA
Nick draws his sword and looks for weak points where he could get some critical hits in. Ooh, this reminds him of a puzzle. Wait. Later. Later. Look for weak spots.
Vampsquirrel
Make an investigation check for me.
RA
((d20?))
Vampsquirrel
((d20+investigation))
RA
((How much is my "Investigation" stat? probably pretty high because Layton reasons but is there a number or summat))
Vampsquirrel
((uh, have you actually assigned any skill points?))
RA
((I don't think so))
Vampsquirrel
((alright you have 3 skill points you can assign to one of your skills, so go do that on your char sheet right now))
((there are explanations for each skill in the phb which I can link if you need it))
RA
((Where is my character sheet again))
((Am I supposed to keep track of that))
Vampsquirrel
((yes, you're supposed to update it to reflect your character.))
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1cZQn0m1NwzCiUtU0on57CTOFfYCu9rVsHTT6oreY-xU/edit#gid=0
RA
((All right so is this the stuff that comes after the "feats"))
Vampsquirrel
((yes))
RA
((Okay))
roll 1d20+3
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=11 ]{14}
Vampsquirrel
You're not terribly certain, but you think there's something fishy about his head.
RA
Nick takes a flesch towards the Ogre's eyes.
Vampsquirrel
You take a what?
RA
Flesch
Vampsquirrel
You'll need to explain what a flesch is.
RA
Right so what you do yeah is you're in En Garde position and you sort of make a move like you trip forwards and you keep running at something until you hit your target
And once you do you regain your balance and run past them so they can't fuck you up
Then the ref calls a halt and you go to equal distances again and you continue fencing
Vampsquirrel
Interesting, at any rate, the ogre's eyes are about 10 feet above you, so you're not in a great position to reach them.
RA
Go for its crotch then
Crotch, spring back, then kick it in the fucking teeth as it keels over
Vampsquirrel
Solid plan, roll to hit and lets see if it works out.
RA
Do I add a strength modifier or a dex modifier
Vampsquirrel
Add str, since your saber's a d8.
RA
d20 to see if I hit and it works out, then d8 + str?
Vampsquirrel
d20 to hit, d8+str for damage if your d20 is high enough, then I decide if it works and what you do from there.
Also, it's a d20+str for the first part, in case that was unclear.
RA
roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=19 ]{20}
RA
I think that's high enough
roll 1d8+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d8+1 [ 1d8=4 ]{5}
Vampsquirrel
Your blade flies towards the ogre's crotch like a glorious bird swooping upon its prey, dealing 5 damage and causing the ogre to kneel down.
You can't reach its face from here, but you could probably kick its crotch again if you wanted to.
RA
Kick his dick off
Vampsquirrel
Alright, roll 1d20+str for me.
RA
roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=18 ]{19}
RA
Combine Ogre's Dick && Trusty Sabre to make The Penetrator
Vampsquirrel
Your foot strikes true and deals 2 damage to the ogre's crotch. Unfortunately, he doesn't actually have a dick, or at least a visible one outside his carapace, so he's not affected beyond being confused at your target.
That ends up with your major and minor actions used.
RA
Smegma butter
RA
Alright what does this bitch do to me
Vampsquirrel
His hand swings out attempting to grab you. Roll athletics or acrobatics to resist his grapple.
Roll 1d20+5
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d20+5 [ 1d20=17 ]{22}
RA
Was that his roll or my roll
Vampsquirrel
His, I almost never roll for my players.
RA
Fook
Roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=7 ]{8}
RA
Fooook
Vampsquirrel
The ogre grabs you in his hand and begins aggressively singing directly in your face, roll insight to avoid intimidation from his terrifying fish head.
RA
roll 1d20+3
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=8 ]{11}
RA
*+2
roll 1d20+2
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+2 [ 1d20=5 ]{7}
RA
Terrifying indeed
Vampsquirrel
You fail to resist the fish head's terror. Its dead soulless eyes stare into your soul, reading you to the tune of Frank Sinatra.
RA
I actually quite like this song
But
I suppose I should probably spit in his mouth or face or eyes or something so I'll get on that
Vampsquirrel
You take -2 to your next attack roll and -2 to your AC until the ogre's next turn.
It's now your turn, and the ogre is holding you close.
RA
Are me arms free?
Vampsquirrel
Yes.
He's holding you around your midsection.
RA
Can my sword reach his eyes?
Vampsquirrel
Yes.
RA
Then let's fucking stab the fucker's fucking eyes out
Vampsquirrel
How gentlemanly. Roll to hit at a -2 penalty.
RA
Fuck you this isn't Nick's internal dialogue this is how I think that little kid's so laden with freudian mental health problems he can't even think of saying a nasty word or doing anything like that
Roll 1d20-2
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20-2 [ 1d20=16 ]{14}
Vampsquirrel
Alright, that's high enough, roll for damage with +2 for attacking a sensitive area.
RA
So the crotch wasn't a sensitive area?
Roll 1d8+2
`DICE
RA rolled 1d8+2 [ 1d8=7 ]{9}
Vampsquirrel
It's an ogre, they don't have dicks.
RA
Have you ever been kicked in your vagina
That shit's painful
Vampsquirrel
Your sword hits it right in the eye, dealing 9 damage and causing it to drop you back onto the ground, take 1d6 fall damage.
RA
roll 1d6
`DICE
RA rolled 1d6 [ 1d6=5 ]{5}
RA
How much hp has this horsefucker got
And is it possible for him to fuck horses considering that he is dickless
Perhaps the horses fuck him
Vampsquirrel
An amount greater than 16, and well if you really want to go there he could do oral or manual.
RA
How much have I dealt so far
Vampsquirrel
16
Vampsquirrel
You have a minor action and a move action remaining, the ogre is clutching its eye although the singing seems to be continuing unimpeded.
RA
Well in that case I search my inventory for things to start a fire with while the Sinatra Horseprisonbitch is reeling in pain. Surely the scrap pile has some firesteels in it. No uncaptcha-ing, just mental thinking through. Should be a thought+luck kinda deal
Vampsquirrel
Sure, roll 1d20 for luck within the pile.
RA
roll 1d20
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20 [ 1d20=16 ]{16}
Vampsquirrel
There are tools with which you could start a fire.
RA
Climb a tree with a steady enough branch to keep it so the ogre can't just fucking knock you out of the sky in that case
Vampsquirrel
Make an athletics check to climb the tree quickly.
RA
roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=12 ]{13}
RA
I climb it with 13 quicklies
Vampsquirrel
You manage to clamber up the tree to a branch you think is out of the ogre's reach.
RA
Turn over?
Vampsquirrel
Yes, at this point.
The ogre manages to see you with its good eye and tries to jump up to hit you.
roll 1d20+3
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=13 ]{16}
Vampsquirrel
roll 1d4+#
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d4+# error: malformed expression
Vampsquirrel
roll 1d4+3
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1d4+3 [ 1d4=2 ]{5}
Vampsquirrel
Its fist hits you for 5 damage, roll CON to remain on the branch.
RA
roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=18 ]{19}
RA
Fuck you I'm staying on this branch
RA
Nick has half a mind to make an obscene gesture, but recomposes himself as any good gentleman should.
Vampsquirrel
You cling to the branch like it's a long lost lover and the ogre is societal pressures attempting to tear you apart. They're only doing it because they're jealous of what you have together, and your love shall allow you to whether the storm.
The ogre stands beneath you bellowing more Sinatra, and ends his turn.
RA
Lovely. Nick grabs out some of his firestarters from his scrap pile, and begins lighting several areas of leaves on fire. Since the Ogre is taller than most of the trees, the fire is gonna do a number on him.
Vampsquirrel
The ogre is not taller than most of the trees, he's only 10 feet and many of the trees surrounding you could easily be 20.
RA
The burning branches and other rubble is still gonna fall on him and burn him, once the fire has progressed enough. Which shouldn't take too long since leaves make easily kindling, and since this is in the middle of a forest, the wind is mostly buffered by the other trees. Fire is nothing but beneficial to Nick's situation.
Vampsquirrel
As you say then, roll WIS for lighting effective fires.
RA
roll 1d20+3
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=17 ]{20}
Vampsquirrel
You light the fires with flair and pizzazz, distributing them nicely amongst the trees. They should begin spreading quickly, but for now nothing is happening.
RA
Is the ogre's mouth bigger than Nick's torso? Can he jump into the mouth relatively safely without being swallowed, and have the size of his legs and feet make it impossible for the ogre to chew?
Vampsquirrel
Yes.
To both questions.
RA
Jump on the ogre's head, aim for the mouth
Vampsquirrel
Make an acrobatics check.
RA
roll 1d20+0
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+0 [ 1d20=14 ]{14}
Vampsquirrel
You successfully aim yourself into the ogre's mouth, muffling Frank Sinatra's melodious voice, and causing the ogre's eyes to flash in fear.
RA
End turn?
Vampsquirrel
I'm going to say yes.
The ogre frantically attempts to remove you from his mouth.
roll 1dd20+3
`DICE
Vampsquirrel rolled 1dd20+3 [ 1d1=1 1d20=3 ]{6}
Vampsquirrel
He fails to get a grip on you and begins running around in a panic.
You notice his cheeks are beginning to swell up, and you can feel a large amount of pressure building beneath you.
Your turn.
RA
Nick attempts to climb out, stick a sabre into his side, and shimmy down his body before he is launched into the flaming canopy. He also tries to aim the blade into the other eye.
Vampsquirrel
Alright, lets start off with you rolling to hit.
RA
Which modifier do I use
Vampsquirrel
STr
RA
roll 1d20+1
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+1 [ 1d20=18 ]{19}
RA
dice pls
Vampsquirrel
Your blade strikes true landing within the ogre's eye. Roll damage and add +2.
RA
roll 1d8+2
`DICE
RA rolled 1d8+2 [ 1d8=4 ]{6}
RA
Neat
Vampsquirrel
As your sword enters the ogre's eye, he lets out a squealing noise around you before exploding into grist. You drop from where you had been sitting in his mouth and land on the ground hard.
You hear a loud crashing sound coming towards you through the forest.
RA
More ogres?
Vampsquirrel
The crashing grows closer and closer until its source emerges from the forest.
RA
A really fucking big ogre?
Vampsquirrel
An enormous skeletal t-rex
RA
Is it hostile?
Vampsquirrel
It seems altogether unconcerned by you, as it moves over to the flaming branches and begins putting them out.
RA
Noooooo
Nick searches the skeleton for weak points, where hitting one part would make it impossible to function.
Vampsquirrel
Alright, roll investigation.
RA
Roll 1d20+3
`DICE
RA rolled 1d20+3 [ 1d20=4 ]{7}
RA
Fuck
Vampsquirrel
You can't identify any weak points.
RA
Nick tries to stand on its foot, to be carried along with the dinosaur when it's finished putting out his fire.
RA
Does it mind?
Vampsquirrel
The dinosaur doesn't seem particularly perturbed by you riding its foot, and so once it has finished its fireman duties, it heads back in the direction of the house you saw earlier.
RA
Nick silently vows to finish what he started once he eradicates the dinosaur threat, and lets the dinosaur carry him along while humming the jurassic park theme song.
Vampsquirrel
The dinosaur brings you to the house you saw from afar.
STRIFE END