Thread 5: Stories 16-30

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>Applejack 12
"Store pony"
~~~~~~~~~~

>...You know I'm here because the newest princess herself told me to come here, right? I didn't just, like, wander into the store.

"Actually, apparently there's another one named... Shutterbye, I think?"

>Seriously? Crud, these things are popping out to the ground like vegetables.

"Tell me about it."

>Back to my original point. Because I'm here for that reason, is it really necessary to hold up a giant... chair leg? Did you rip that off your seat or something?

"I did."

>Dedication, I guess.

"Yeah, well, I don't know why she would send you here, last time I saw you, you blew out my southeast wall and glued me to the ground."

>Oh, come on! That could've been any Changeling!

"..."

>...I mean, yeah, that WAS me, but you didn't know that! Racist.

"So, wait, I'm racist because I DIDN'T think you all look alike and recognized a specific one?"

>...You win this round, racist pony.

"Please get the hell out of my store."
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>Shining Armor
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~~~

*SLAM!*

>Hi honey, what can I-

"I want you."

>...Come again?

"No. I want YOU to come again. And again. And again."

*Shining looks up at her, noticing the steamy, sultry look she's giving him.*

*He squints his eyes a bit*

>Huh... not 18.

*She walks forward*

"I want you to treat me like it's our wedding night. Right now. All over this stupid paperwork."

>...noooot 29.

"Because tonight? I am going to blow your mind, among other things. And you are going to LOVE it."

>....nooooot 42.

"So let's stop talking, and how about I put my mouth to better uses-"

>OH!

"...what?"

>Chrysalis?

"...DAMN IT! How did you know!?"

>What are you doing here?

"SEDUCING YOU!"

>....Oh! Right! You do that too. Man, it has been a long, LONG time. It's actually kind of refreshing to see someone else pretend to be her again! Wow, you know, it's really surprising how bad your performance is.

"What!?"

>Seriously. I'd give you a three out of... a hundred. Your tone is nothing like her sexy tone, you're a bit too tall, your plot is too big, your horn is slightly the wrong color, and you didn't even change your eyes! Come on, really? I think the guards just let you in as a joke.

"...GRRR!"

*She tries to zap his head with a burst of green energy, only to have it bounce right off*

>HAH! The old mind control thing? Oh wow, that makes me nostalgic. Just takes me right back to the good old days, when everything was simpler.

"And you actually got laid?"

>...*twitch* yeah. That too. Would you mind seeing yourself out?

"...FINE! But soon, I will conquer your kingdom! And once your pretty pink ninny of a wife has been overthrown, you WILL BE MINE!"

*She leaves, pointedly ignoring the laughing guards on her way out.*

>...Well, at least her threats have gotten better. Even if I lose, I still have to rule of a batch of chaotic, barely functioning citizens? That's the stuff of nightmares.
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>Celestia
"Applejack"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"...Overdramatic much?"

>Don't you understand, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?

"That yer' crazy? Yeah. Got a good look at that a couple times. Not yer' best trait."

>HE PASSED US!

"Celestia, he ain't passed us. His economy is SLIGHTLY better than ours thanks ta' all the rare material and massive amount of exports he's been doing recently, and the fact he ain't got FOUR different, massive cake shaped drains on his budgeting. And one Animal shaped drain. And one sciency shaped drain. And a ballroom full of bug monster shaped drains. And a bunch of lesser towns that have terrible oversight. We're kind of runnin' with some handicaps, here."

>But it's HIM, Applejack! SHINING FREAKING ARMOR!

"Well, 18's actually been pretty helpful too, from what Ah' heard. She don't do as MUCH as him, but it's pretty close. And he's managed to reel in Cadence too, which Ah' thought was impossible. He's not doin' it alone."

>Of all of them, of ALL of them!? I would honestly prefer if Chrysalis was the one winning, not him!

"...Now that's jus' uncalled fer'."

>Oooooh, but just you wait. I WILL make him fail! I WILL!

"Is... is that somethin' we want? Do we want that? Ah' don't think we want that."

>HE WILL FAIL!

"Ya'll need medication."
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>Applejack 12
“Mayor Mare”
~~~~~~~~~~~

>Hello, I’m your, uh, six o’clock? I’m here to see about that job opening as your assista-… why are you shaking so much? Are you cold? It’s not that cold in here.

“N-no reason, just… flashbacks to an earlier time.”

>Oh, so you’re the one the dragon-boy pointed the gun at?

“I--what? No! I m-mean, yes, I am, but it’s not because of that! You people attacked Canterlot!”

>You people? What do you mean ‘you people’, Mayor Mare?

“You people! You Changelings!”

>Nice, racism so thick I could cut it with a knife.

A desk drawer was pulled open and Mayor Mare suddenly had a cutting edge in her trembling hooves.

>…

“Th-this--when I saw ‘Applejack 12’ on my meeting l-list I thought it was Spike coming back again under a fake name to check up on me. If it makes you feel any better, this knife was for him.”

>Wow. Racist, paranoid, crazy, and homicidal. Yup. I think this interview’s just about over. G’day to you, Mayor Mare.

“S-so you’re not here to stick me to the ceiling with your goo and destroy my office…?”

>Covering people with goo is the job of my other more perverted Changeling brothers. I was just looking for work.

“And you w-won’t bring a gun and try to shoot me?”

>Not unless you cut my hours or something.

“Well… I guess I could give you a shot….”

>No thanks.

“Why not?”

>Because you’ve been subconsciously trying to stab me while talking.

And Mayor Mare blinked, stunned to find herself indeed trying to impale the dodging Changeling.

“Well, uh… instincts and all that….”

>Yeah, g’bye.
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>Applejack 12
"Guard Pony"
~~~~~~~~~

>No, yeah, this is nice! Not discriminatory at all!

"Well excuse me for thinking you're the most likely suspect for a raging fire."

>What POSSIBLE reason could I have for setting a gym on fire!? I have a job interview here!

"Really?"

>Yes!

"You poor bastard."

>I KNOW! I kind of figured I probably wasn't getting a call back when he seems to have inexplicably burst into laughter. IN A LETTER!

"Why would he even write that down? Wouldn't that take effort to do?"

>Tell me about it. Seems counter productive.

"Well, you're still coming with me. Unless, you know, evidence to the contrary just falls out of the sky or something."

*BOOM!*

"..."

>...56?

[HEY BUDDY! Wow, glad you weren't in there. Did you know this place actually only exists to make plots smaller? I know, you don't have to thank me. All in a days work. Whelp, I'm off!]

*With that, the miniscule Changeling hops off*

"....Well... I think we all learned something about racial profiling!"

>That it's totally justified, but there are so many to discriminate against that you have to make sure you got the right one?

"...Sure, let's go with that. See you next time you assault somepony."

>Bring the good hoofcuffs.
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>Chrysalis
“Applejack 56”
‘Random Changeling’
__________

“So, mom--”

>For the LAST time, I’m not your mom, you… which of my minglings are you even?

“Minions, mom. And I’m AJ56! How could you forget?”

>You all look alike to me, honestly. Except for the one with the helmet, that one I remember. Because of the helmet.

“That hurts the Changeling….”

>Oh, cheer up there, 53!

“56!”

>57? Anyway, did you need something? I was in the middle of watching those six supplicants of mine see who can stay on fire the longest.

“Subordinates, mom.”

>Oh not you, too! Quit making up words!

“Is so a word! Miss Flowerpot told me so!”

>Who now? That the teacher pony with the demonic presence?

“Yup!”

>I like her.

“I like her butt!”

>...Anyway, did you have something to say, 59?

“56! And I just wanted to say you have a wonderfully plump rump, mom!”

>Well EXCUSE ME for not keeping MY body up to your stupid male standards! I don’t need your approval over any part of my person, you absolute beast!

*Chrysalis runs away crying*

“...what in the buck was that about?”

‘Oh, that. Yeah, she’s a tad sensitive right now. Been watching those trashy romance movies of hers nonstop recently.’

“But… I said ‘wonderfully plump’, though.”

‘Queens, 56. Don’t even try to figure them out.’
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>Mystery pony
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Queen Chrysalis. I'm in need of your... services.

"...Okay, uh, this is making me uncomfortable."

>Is it the trenchcoat or the voice?

"You know what? Let's go with both. In addition to several other things, but the whole trenchcoat voice thing in addition to asking for my 'services' is sending me some messages. Messages I am not appreciative of or receptive to."

>I need you to do what you do best... sabotage.

"What, are we really doing this? We're playing pretend like this."

>I don't want you to do anything that will harm a single pony... except one.

"Ello' govna! See, I can throw on fake voices too. Are you fooled? You shouldn't be, it's still obviously me, right? Because it would be stupid otherwise, right?"

>I need you to run Shining Armor ragged. Keep him awake, unaware, looking over his shoulder at every turn! His productivity will dip juuuust enough for Equestria to take the lead, and return to the top!

"Trenchcoat is nice, by the way. Yeah, because that obviously hides how tall you are."

>CHRYSALIS!

"Fine. What's in it for me?"

>A stack of your favorite movies!

"Pass."

>...Crud. Thought that would work. Okay, how's about this, you get to keep living in the ballroom, and nobody explodes it from the air in the middle of the night.

"...eeeehhhh, I kind of want them all to die sometimes. OH! Here's one. If I should successfully replace Cadence, you don't reveal and overthrow me. You just continue on like I was the real deal."

>...Not hard, I mostly ignore her. DEAL! No mind control, though. Mind control is off limits.

"Obviously. Nice doing business with you, Celly.

>SHHHH! I'm in disguise!

"Said the tall ass fuck white alicorn in a trenchcoat that does not cover her golden shoes."

>... Just go try to fuck with Shining Armor.

"Whatever you say, tall as fuck mysterious white alicorn whom I do not know. Whatever you say."
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>Spike
"Twilight"
~~~~~
>Hey, Twilight, you wanted to see me-... Whoa. This lab is pretty fancy.

"Heya, Spike! Come on in and look around. I don't think I've given you the grand tour!"

>Twilight, this place is bigger than Canterlot Castle.

"I know, it was a pain in the butt and I had to save up my bits to create the subspace pocket! Follow me and try not to stumble into the boundaries walls of the innate, bounded field. Less time that happened, well... Let's just say there's a reason all of my assistance are automated."

One impressive tour later.

>Twilight, have you considered publishing ANYTHING you've developed in your lab?

"Well, I thought about it, but what use would anyone have for robot servants, subspace storage pockets, coffee based power sources, or alchemically synthesized alloys with negative mass?"

Spike palms his face.

>How about you just hand me the blueprints on the way out and I'll get them patented and we let the market judge?

"Alright, alright. But first, I heard you've been shooting ponies a lot. Is that true?"

>I- Well. Twilight, you need to understand, there are circumstances to that- And.. Yes.

"Wonderful!"

>... Wut?

"Because I've looked over the gun Celestia brought and went over the notes I wrote down from all my conversations in the human world and the stuff I overheard..."

>I'm not sure if I am going to dread or love where this goes...

"I built you a new gun!"

She steps aside revealing a wood and metal rifle with a long, banana shaped extension.

"I based it off of something called an AJ-47."

>Thanks, Twilight... Where can I test fire this?

"Down the range"

CHT-CHT-CHT-CHT-CHTOOOOOM*

>I like this new weapon. Thanks, Twilight.

"Keep up the good work now! Come back in a week and let me know how well it's working."

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR
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>Chrysalis
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~

>AH HAH! I'm messing up all your paperwork! Messing it up LIKE A QUEEN!

"I was unaware 'Queen' was interchangeable with 'toddler'."

>Don't be ridiculous! A toddler couldn't sweep all of your paperwork to the ground in one, almighty swing of their arms! Toddlers have, like, little nub arms. Those are crap for sweeping.

"I stand corrected. Could you please stop?"

>NEVER! Not until you start sucking!

"...Well, that mental image will never die. Thank you for that. Oh, and just in case you were curious, yes, a soul can in fact, vomit."

>Pfft, it'd be the only sucking going on in your life.

"*twitch* Yes, well, that's none of your business."

>Getting up in others business is my business, if you hadn't noticed. C'mon, leave her! Join me in a life of decadent bliss, with an army of monsters at your command and a hot as hell Queen in your bed!

"Well, I'd consider it, but I just don't trust you to deliver the hot as hell queen. Those are hard to come by."

>Ooooooh, cold one!

"Where the hell are my guards?"

>I knocked them aside like those little white things in a bowling alley.

"Bowling pins?"

>No no, other thing. Shoes! I knocked them aside like shoes.

"...I don't... ugh."

>I'm messing up your paaaapers!

"...Why, Celestia, why?"

It's fortunate he did not have super-hearing at that moment, else he would of heard a distinct reply to fill his heart with sadness.

BECAUSE YOU SUCK!
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>Celestia
“Spike”
~~~~~~~~

“You wanted to see me, Princess?”

>Yes, Spike. I just wanted to know a few things….

Spike makes his way over to the desk and pulls himself into a seat, causing Celestia to flinch when he sets the gun down with a dull clunk.

“Is there something wrong? Did I forget to lay down the Changeling traps in front of your door?”

>No, that’s… that’s fine. It’s actually about that weapon there. You seem mighty fond of it.

“Do I…? I’m really not. I hate this thing….”

Celestia blinked.

>You.. hate it? Then why do you carry it with you?

“Remember that time with Mayor Mare?”

>How could I forget? She’s still calling once a week with reports.

“Exactly. No one wants to take a little baby dragon seriously. But when that dragon suddenly has something in his claws that could possibly end them, well… all of sudden he’s worthy of respect, of having his words heeded. I age slowly… way too slowly for my tastes, and being brushed off constantly isn’t a good feeling, especially when a majority of the things I say could’ve prevented disasters from happening in Ponyville and elsewhere.”

>I… suppose that’s true--

“I don’t like using this thing but if it’s the only way to get people to see their own mistakes and listen to reason to avoid repeated accidents, I’ll shoulder the fact that some ponies side-glance me or scurry away in my presence. Because you know what? For once in my life, I don’t feel like Hum-Drum. I’m getting things done and helping my friends in a very visible way.”

He wrapped his claws around the handle.

“So, no, I’m not fond of this. I’m not fond of brandishing it just to be heard even when I’m yelling. But the ends justify the means. I’ll do a slight wrong to accomplish a great right.”

>...you know if you ever need to talk, Spike, your princess is here for you, right?

“I tried talking. That didn’t work out so well, Princess. So now I spin the barrel and see how far that gets me. Thanks, though, for this gift here. Was that all?”

>Actually, can I see it for a moment?

“Sure, here.”

Her magic grabs the pistol and she levitates it up to Spike’s face. He doesn’t flinch, but merely glances over the gun and into her face.

>Do you feel lucky, Spike?

“I feel pretty lucky yeah.”

>Well, let’s see, shall we?

*spinnnnn-*

*click!*

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR
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>AJ 12
"Luna"
'Applejack'
~~~~~~~~~~

"Did thou really think thine decieption would work, Changeling!?"

>...

"As if we would be so foolish as to miss that you were a Changeling. Really now, thou did not even see fit to keep up the disguise?"

>...

"But, we suppose we admire your moxie in showing up all the same. As such, we shall give you a chance to leave. Begone!"

>...I'm not-

"We said begone!"

*Before he can leave, she telekinetically throws him out her window*

*Shortly afterwards, Applejack enters her room*

'Heya Luna, jus' wanted ta' check in and see how everything went.'

>Ah! Dear Applejack, we have most troubling news. A Changeling decided to pose as you in order to hopefully come under our employ, no doubt for various, unseemly reasons. But the poor fool dropped his disguise before even entering our door! Such an embarrassment, wouldn't you say?

'...Ya ain't talking about Applejack 12, are ya'?'

"..."

*She rustles through some papers*

"...Ah. I see. The 12 on here is smudged."

'..."

"...We've made a terrible mistake."
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>Chrysalis
"SA"
'Cadence'
~~~~~~~~

>Wow, you've got it pretty swank here!

"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you maintain your kingdom, and don't just sit in a ballroom watching cheesy movies."

>DO NOT BESMIRCH CINEMATIC GREATNESS!

"Hate... so much hate."

>Don't be like that! Remember the good times we had?

"No, I don't, because you mind controlled me."

>I didn't mind control you ALL the time! Just when you started questioning me. We still went on walks, went out to dinner, and WOW did we light up the bed... well, mostly. You fizzled out sometimes.

"Gee. Wonder what could have caused THAT?"

>Oh, admit it, there were times you loved it!

"... I loved it when I thought you were Cadence."

>...Ouch.

"Speaking of... HONEY NOW!"

>GAH! How long have you been there!?

'...Now what?'

"Magic love bomb attack!"

'SWEETIE! Chrysalis is RIGHT THERE!'

>No no, please, continue. I'll be right here in the corner.

'Now do you see what you've done? She's going to try to join in now!'

>I'll ask! I'm not rude or anything!

"...N-no, I want to-"

'I know what you want! That's why I'm wearing the sexy crown, see?'

"-that's your normal-"

'But I'm not doing it in front of her! She'll get all creepy about it! Really, if you want to bring your fetishes into this, at least ask for someone reasonable! Like... I don't know, Luna? Luna seems like she would be cool about that.'

"...Luna!? Why-"

'Really, dear! You know what? You can just sit in here and take care of it yourself! Maybe she'll want to watch that instead!'

>Not gonna lie, I totally would.

'I'll see you at dinner! HMPH!'

*She stomps off prissily*

>...So, scale of one to ten, how dumb is she going to feel when she realizes what you meant?

"Zero. Because she's never going to. I love that mare with all my heart, but sometimes..."

>...I'm messing up your papers!

"STOP THAT!"
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>AJ 12
"Theater pony"
~~~~~~~~~

>What do you mean, "Not a chance in the lock on the eleventh gate on the edge of Tartarus"!?

"I really don't know how I could be more specific than that, my good fellow."

>B-but I'm perfect for the theater! I can become anyone I want! Costuming, no matter how elaborate, is a problem of the past! My voice, my height, my looks, all of that is completely interchangeable! I could do a one man show and still have the largest ensemble cast there ever was!

"That's the problem, my good sir! For you see, your existence within my show would render my fellow actors redundant, and they would rebel when they learned their decadent salaries would be for naught from that moment on. To engage you within the art of the theater would be to stir the hornets nest of revolution! To cast you would be to cast a bane upon my own head, a fools endeavor at best."

>...But-

"Please, depart thusly from my theater! And woe, WOE to any who would so much as think of casting one such as yourself!"

>...Are you that asshole with the Manehatten accent I shot outside the coffee shop during the invasion?

"It's called actin', ya' bugfaced numbskull. Ya' gotta' play up the theatrics ta' make it in this business, not that you'd ever get the chance. No offense, think ya'd knock it out of the park m'self, but I ain't getting roped in that malarky."

>...Sorry for knocking over your coffee back then.

"Sorry for throwin' it in your face."

>Did the bite marks ever heal?

"They's fine, yer buddies teeth grow back?"

>No, but it's fine. Dude was an asshole."

"Kay. BEGONE, yonder creature of chitin and lust, begone!"

>...

"It mean get out-"

>GOT IT!
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>Shining
'Sombra (Written)'
"Sombra (Spoken)"
[Chrysalis]

>Hello Sombra.

Scribble

'Armor. I hope you are here because you've finally decided my fate.'

>I have. You're about to be released with all the rights and privileges you had before.

'...What?'

>You write the elipses?

'Nevermind that! I try to overthrow you, I hide behind what basically amounts to your adopted daughter, and I blatantly try to rise to my former power and you're LETTING ME GO!?'

>Yes, because honestly? In the grand scheme of things, you have a lot more going for you on the pro side than a lot of who I deal with. 29 is trying to seduce me AND my wife, Chrysalis is here and annoying me, and my aunt in law despises me.

'How do you know that last one?'

>Because she sent Chrysalis here. Point is, at least you had the decency to show remorse, so that puts you at least four removed from the worst creature I know.

'Uh...wow, thanks.'

>However, there is one thing you could do for me on good faith.

"Mregh?"

A few moments later in Shining's office.

[Messin' up papers, messin' up papers, Shining is gonna suuuuuuuuuck~]

"Ahem."

[Huh? Oh hello...floating overcoat.]

'I am an emissary from Celestia, sent in the shadows.'

[Uh...huh?]

'I have come to send word that she is pleased with your progress.'

[Calling bullshit, there's no way she would-]

'She sent cake.'

[GIMME!]

*Chomp!*

[Huh...tastes alright...a little spicyyyyyyyyAAAAAAAAARGH!]

Chrysalis runs from the from the room, rainbow flames bursting from her mouth.

>Ha I knew I was right to save that cake.

'Happy to be of service.'

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>Chrysalis
"AJ2"
~~~~~~~~~

>YOU!

"MEEE!"

>You little rogue pest! How dare you betray all the kindness I showed you and leave me!

"You once told me ta' put out a fire with my bare hooves because you were saving the fire extinguisher for a special occasion."

>And?

"The special occasion was just dropping it on some ponies head and forgetting about it. It didn't have to be full for that."

>But then it would have made that hollow clang noise! I hate that noise!

"You also mind controlled Shiny. I don't know what ya' did, but I know Shiny gets all twitchy when they bring it up. I don't like that. Shiny's the bestest prince in the whole world, so you shouldn't make him twitchy!"

>Hah! Oh, I could SO ruin your childhood innocence right here. I could describe all the lewd things we did in such detail you'd never look at him the same way again! Do you want me to tell you all about the REAL Shiny?

"No! You're a meany! A meany who hurt Caddy and-and messed everything up for Shiny's wedding and... and you're messing up his papers!"

>Okay, that's it! Prepare to have your worldview expanded in an exciting new way you little pest! SHINING ARMOR AND I-

[GRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!]

>HOLY CRAP IS THAT A-

*WHAM!*

"....Somby, you shouldn't hit ponies with filing cabinets like that."

[Graargh.]

"Well no, she's not a PONY pony, but I count her."

[Rowr?]

"Well biologically we're probably not in the same genus, but due to our control over our genetic makeup via magic, we could conceivably be in the same family if nothing else. Depending on how the magic alters our molecular structure, of course."

[Raagl]

"No, we're not getting into transubstantiation properties via magic and the relation to how we perceive society. It's just too complex, man!"

[...Rarw?]

"Yeah, Waffles sound great! C'mon Somby!"

They leave the room, ignoring the groans of pain from the creature beneath the hunk of metal. Shining Armor would have to clean up a lot more when he got back.

He didn't mind.
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