Amelia's Musings

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I wanted to do something that mattered. I wanted to matter. I might not remember everything, but I know that much for sure.

When I think of it that way, I shouldn't have anything to be worried about, do I? This is what I asked for, even if...it isn't quite what I was expecting. (Pretty sure that...thing never used the words 'magical girl', for starters.) I have my magic. I KNOW I'm doing something worth doing, and that I want to do. And if I can help people and stop monsters in the process...that's worth something too.

I'm starting to get the hang of my magic. Channeling my fire...It just sort of happens. You can't think, you just have to act. Let the magic out, and just use it. Heat of the moment, pun intended. Which, uh, hasn't always worked out for me...but hey, I guess that's why I have "regeneration". Still no idea how it works, but I'm not complaining. Sure, it can hurt when I need to use it, but it's better than the alternative, and I think I'm getting used to it. Kind of.

Besides, it's not like I'm hunting alone, most of the time. Alexa's a nice kid. Fun to hang out with. Happy, usually- the Puuchu really messed with her. (If I see it, I'm still tempted to set it on fire just for that.) If it did the same to me...I don't remember it, so...it's not really something I need to worry about. Mostly.

I...I know I probably had family and friends too. Who doesn't? Sometimes I wonder if they miss me. If they really cared when I vanished. If I made them worry. If they know I'm...gone. I must have known what I'd be doing by saying yes, so did I just not care what I'd do to them?

Did I really want to do this that much?

Anyway. Alexa. She's pretty handy with those barriers, she's pretty smart, and she cares a lot- even if I wish I didn't make her worry so much. I don't really deserve her help- or a friend like her.

No matter what Kreimhild says, I think she's a great magical girl already and she doesn't need "improving"- if there's something wrong with her magic, then we'll figure out a better way before it can hurt her.

She'll be safe.

Still kicking myself for letting her get that stupid black coin. Kreim wanted to make her use one, and I gave her one without even noticing something was wrong about it. Some friend...

At least I got rid of it. Alexa wasn't happy, but at least she's safe. For now, anyway. First thing I'm doing when we get to the Library is looking up a way to deal with that kind of thing, in case it really does "come back" or Kriem gets another one.

Kreim. Kreimhild. German harpy, and that's not even an insult. Tall. Feathery. Snarky.

I...really don't know what to think about her. On the one hand, she did save Alexa's life...and doesn't seem out to hurt anyone...and she did let me stay with her and Alexa...and she really does seem to be trying to help her- or at least what she thinks will help her...

But at the same time, she was trying to force Alexa to use a black coin when she didn't want to. Something that evil- she had to know what it was.

Maybe I can talk her out of it. Find a better way to help. She's the one that needs to see the truth.

Who knows? I don't think she's evil. Not really. Just...misguided.

That's a problem for later though. Right now, there are monsters that need to be stopped, and people that need help.

And if I called myself a Paladin, the least I can do is live up to the name.