Roommates - Mini #5 (Let Me Tell You About Humans)

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Roommates - Mini #5 (Let Me Tell You About Humans)
Inspired by Weaver's Five Nights at Freddy's Apartment AU: http://i.imgur.com/LnDJVNL.png
Part of an ongoing series written for the /5N@F/ General Discussion Thread at /vg/.
Sincerest thanks to Weaver (http://tgweaver.tumblr.com/) for all of the invaluable assistance in writing, proofreading, and editing this story as well as for illustrating the chapter title cards.
Questions or comments? Drop me an ask at http://roommatesau.tumblr.com/

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So you want to know how I first got into humans and that kind of stuff? Oh man, I hate to break it to you, but it's not like there was some super emotional turning point in my life where I decided "hey, I'm obsessed with humans now". It's not even like it's a boring story; there's just no story at all. Truth is, ever since I was a little blue puffball I thought they were awesome. My parents have been saying "it's just a phase" for over twenty years, now.

Sorry to disappoint! How about I make it up to you? Instead, I'll tell you WHY I'm a humie, which I think makes for a much more interesting conversation.

Look, like, everybody with a brain knows humans don't exist. I'm not delusional or crazy or anything like that. (The medication I'm on is for completely different reasons.) My point being, I know humans aren't real. I've met some darn convincing cosplayers, but that's as close as it comes. In fairness, the new tenant Mike is the best of them all by a long shot and he claims he doesn't even have to try, which I think is a load of crap. The guy's attention to detail is incredible. It makes the feverish little six-year-old kit in me WANT to believe humans are real, but the mature boring responsible adult side of me says it's just due to his whole fur situation or disease or whatever.

What a problem to have, though! Mike's skin is so freakin' soft. I mean, seriously, if you could just feel this guy. I could rub him for hours.

Uh, not sexually, though.

Well yeah, okay, maybe sexually. Don't judge me! I haven't thought too much about it, but honestly Mike's absolutely my type. He hits all my preferences -- for one, he isn't freakishly huge, and that's a dealmaker for me since bunnies tend to swing towards the smaller end of the mammal spectrum (Bonworth being the exception due to his prosthetics).

Because we rabbits can't help being short, if I want a guy that looks like he could pass for a human he's probably gonna end up being twice my size. Mike's barely taller than me. (Even then, I've got him beat if we count my ears.) And, as I mentioned, his skin's really soft (like pizza dough soft), he's got a pretty easygoing personality and he's really trying his hardest to fit in around here. Most of the guys here either keep to themselves or are constantly grumpy. For instance, I'm STILL waiting for Mr. Fazbear to apologize for calling me a "bimbo" three years ago, whereas Mike accidentally implied Cheeky was ugly and he was over there grovelling with a cake he'd baked for her this morning. If someone like Cheeky can wrap him around her wingertip that easily, I like my chances.

Besides all that, I've heard stories about Mike. Chiclet seems alright with him and she's a pretty darn good judge of character. I think she wouldn't have ever opened her door to him if Marion hadn't given her a glowing report first. He's really agreeable, and if what Foxglove tells me is true, he's got a nice ass. I'm still negotiating for better pictures, but that chiseler of a fox is gonna force me to start dipping into my HumieCon fund. (Don't tell Mike he's about to become an internet celebrity, I don't think he'd handle it well.)

Uh, well, shoot... now that I've said it all that way, I feel kinda guilty.

So, uh... speaking of HumieCon and Mike, I'm headed over there next month with him and Beanie! I've already recruited Foxglove for assistance with his costume (I was assured "measurements weren't going to be a problem") and Mango's working on some of the more crafty stuff like the utility belt and the shoulder pads. It's a shame those two don't get along so well together because they could rake in a fortune doing custom-order cosplay stuff. I mean, there's a huge market for it -- you see ads all over SkinAffinity. Foxglove could make a lot more hawking costume pieces than scarves and knit caps, anyway, I'm sure of it.

Whoa, did I ever get rabbit-trailed! You wanted to know about why I'm into humans or something, right? I think they're cool partly because they're just completely impossible.

Look, you can grow up to be whatever you want, or at least you've got a chance of making it happen. You can be a firefighter, an astronaut, a famous athlete -- just about any job you can dream up, assuming circumstances work out in your favor. You can get lots of money or become famous, you can be super-talented or super-smart, but none of it's going to make you into something that doesn't even EXIST. The very best cosmetic surgeons and laser fur removal doctors in the world ain't gonna make me look like Bob or Jeremy Human no matter how freaking rich I am.

I guess that's good, because stamping paws and cleaning barf outta the ball pit at the arcade downtown pays jack and squat, and the tax man has dibs on all of my squat.

What I'm trying to say is that we know what our ceiling is, and humans are so many miles above and beyond that ceiling BECAUSE they aren't real. I'd have an easier time trying to shoot lasers out of my eyes than I would becoming a human. But because they're so far out of reach, I think that makes them all the more interesting. I can only speculate what their lives would be like.

Do humans have big disagreements in their human societies or different social standings because of their fur or skin colors? (Probably not, because that'd just be stupid and way too similar to reality. They're a super-evolved race, after all.)

What do they eat? A special diet, or do they eat meat like we do? (I shouldn't, but every now and again I get a craving for beef and I exercise and eat enough vegetables that it probably doesn't matter.)

Can they chew gum and walk at the same time? (Literally impossible. I've tried, you've tried, nobody can do it.)

Maybe the best part of it all is that I can meet and talk with other people who get where I'm coming from. Like, yeah, I'd do a human dude, get off my back about it. I don't think there's any shame in saying that! I won't ever get the chance, though, so it's just a fantasy -- but it's my fantasy, and it's also the fantasy of dozens of other girls and guys just like me. The thought of having my feet and ears massaged with human fingers drives me absolutely wild -- and I mean REAL human fingers and not that weird motorized latex toy I bought online from overseas. Ugh! Damn thing was so loud, Goose and Peanut came running to check me in the middle of the night.

That was an embarrassing couple of days and a complete waste of half a month's pay. Stupid piece of crap has since been put to better use as a bookend for my aerobics tapes.

I could go on and on about a lot of the more superficial reasons I'm a humie, but I think I've more or less covered the gist of it. They're wild, impossible, funny, sexy creatures -- but hey, it's cool if you don't feel the same way. No skin off my buck teeth.