Thread 85: Stories 31-45

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>Sunset
"Twilight"
~~~

>...Okay, how, exactly, does this help me with my body? The mechanical helmet is nice, but it doesn't seem to have a function.

"..."

>...It doesn't, does it?

"..."

>You just wanted to make a Maretropolis reference, didn't you?

"...yes."

>...Hee hee.

"SEE!? YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD GET THIS!"

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>Celestia
"Luna"
'??'
~~

>Oh, Luna... isn't this wonderful? The snow, the joy on my little ponies faces, all of it is just wonderful and free!

"We hate the cold. We wish it to be not cold... sister! Order the cold to be gone!"

>No being a Sninch.

"A what!?"

>Right, right, after your time. But the point is, no sapping this wonderful holiday spirit from my little ponies!

"We notice that thine 'holiday spirit' is an awful lot of buying things."

>Luna.

"Oh yes, such holiday wonder! Buy this or you don't love thee! Surely this is the embodiment of what that unison so long ago represented!

>Luuunaaaaa.

"Thine preaches wonder, but instead it comes down to "Thou did not give me a gift and instead merely wished to spend time with me? Well, clearly thou art rude!" And another thing-'

The snow was not yet wet enough to make a satisfying 'splat'.

It would need a second resting on her raging head before that it melted enough for that.

"Did... thou... just hit me... with a-"

The second one had a much more satisfying 'splat', Celestia felt.

"...THAT! IS! IIIIITTT!"

All around her, dark magic began to swirl, summoning the most vile powers she could conjure.

"UPON THINE HEAD I LAY MINE ATTACK! UPON THINE WORLD I SHALL WIPE THEE CLEAN! FEAR MY WRATH, AND DESPAIR AT THE INEVITABILITY OF IT'S COMING! WEEP, WHILE THINE TEARS MAY STILL FALL! CRY, WHILE THINE LUNGS HOLD BREATH! STAND... WHILE THOU STILL HATH LEGS! FOR I!"

Two arms emerges, one from the heavens and one from the very bowels of hell. With one scoop, they rent the snow from the ground, and a came together.

"AM! "

They rolled, and rolled, searing the snow and causing wisps of steam to rise off it as it formed.

"THINE!"

At last, the deadly thing was made, and they held their wondrous creation like a new god born.

"DESSTTTROOOOOYYYYYEEEEERR!"

With that apocalyptic cry, the snow was cast upon the white alicorn of light.

She never once flinched.

>Forbidden summoning.

...BLOOP!

"...NO FAAAIIIIIIR!"

She raged with the force of a thousand moons at the stallion held between her and her sister, one who had shielded the princess from the assault. It seemed him pulled from the very ether, the very core of all things to defend who he once swore!

...Or she just reached over slightly and picked him up, he had been coming over to see what the commotion was about anyway.

"SISTER! THOU CAN'T USE THAT STALLION AS A SHIELD!"

>Can so. It's even on his cutie mark. See? See that mark on that shapely little ass? All shield.

"IT'S NOT FAIIIIRRR!"

>Get your own bubblehorse.

"SHARE HIM! YOU HAVE TO SHARE HIM WITH US!"

>No. My bubblehorse.

"SHARE SHARE SHARE!"

>Nuh!

"SISTEEEERRRRRRR!"

>No whining.

"BUT IT'S NOT FAAIIIR! YOU HIT ME WITH ONE BUT I CAN'T GET AROUND HIS BUBBLES!"

>Your problem.

"....Y-yoouuu... A CHALLENGE!"

>Oh?

"YES! WE SHALL TAKE THINE 'BUBBLEHORSE' FROM THEE, AND THEN WE SHALL HAVE HIM!"

>NUH-UH!

Where once had been but one hooves of heaven and hell became thousands upon thousands.

"HE SHALL BE OURS!"

>No! My Bubblehorse!

"WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM!"

>No you're not!

"YUH HUH!"

>No fair! I already have a Bubblehorse, I don't get anything if I win the challenge!

"FINE! We shall doooo... The flimzammer?"
>A FLIMZAMMER!? On par with my Bubblehorse!? PPFFT!
"Fine, little low-balling... shop shooper?"
>PFFT!
"Bling blinger?"
>They don't even make diamond saddles anymore!
"Well, what do you-"
>Newbiemaker.

"..."

>With him, specifically.

"S-sister, isn't that a little... much?"

>Oh, you want to back down? Good, that's what I wanted. Save you the embarrassment of not winning.

"W-WE CAN SO!"

>No you couldn't, now let me enjoy my fun with MY Bubblehorse.

"Y-YOU!"

>Because it's not like you're crazy enough to-
"IT!"
>...Luna no.
"IS!"
>Luna I was kidding.
"OOONNNNN!"

>LUNA STOP!

'Do I get a say in this? I feel totally lost and you are really not giving me a-'

>SHINY NOT THE TIME SHE'S GOING TO-

But it was too late.

They would sing of it, what came to pass next, they would sing the song of the chaos that came to Canterlot that day. On this day, Discord laughed his cacklie of mirth as the snow was enchanted alive, and once more the battle between sisters raged just as it had a thousand years ago. The one of white, aided by her sole guard as she should. The one of blue and black, aided by nothing by the darkness she could conjure.

Shield and fire were put to the ultimate test, a sword and shield made real against an unstoppable foe. All others witnessed it, but none others joined in. It spoke to them without a word, this was personal, this was not to be interfered.

At last, the three stood on the top of Canterlot mountain. Winded, exhausted and tired. The princess of the moon was covered from hoof to horntip in the snow of white and the water of that which had melted in her rage. The other two, untouched, shielded by the magic of the greatest shieldcaster alive.

But his magic had left him, and they stood, exposed.

The end was near.

>Yield, sister.

"Never."

>Yield now, and I shall grant thee mercy.

"Never!"

>You could never win, not when righteousness was against you. Yield now, and all debts are paid, and you may taste forgiveness. Yield!

"NEVER!"

>...Stop it now or I'm telling mom!

"NEEEEVVVEEEER"

'EEP!'

SPLAT!

>...
'...'
"HA HAAAA!"

>Way to go, Shiny.

'I slipped! We're on a mountaintop of mostly melted snow! I SLIPPED!'

>She hit me with a snowball!

'I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to do the dodging for you.'

>Well I-... shoot.

"HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAH! THE BET IS FULFILLED, SISTTEEEEERRRR! THINE GAME IS OVER AND THINE VICTORY IS ASSURED!"

>Wait, we're done? You're sure that's the end?

"INDEED! THAT IS IT! THE FINALE HAS COME!"

>You're sure?

"YES! FOR WE! HAVE! W-"

>Lost horribly?

"...."

>...

"...come again?"

>You lost. You so obviously lost.

"B-but I hit you! I HIT YOU!"

>Yes, you did.

"HA!"

>With ONE snowball. I hit you with... a lot.

"..."

>What, did you think this was 'you get one you win, I get a thousand I don't?'

"W-well, yeah."

>That's not what we agreed upon.

"So... so..."

>So you lost.

"..."

>Aaaand now you've gotta-

"NOOOOOOO!"

'Now she has to what?'

>Hm? Oh, well...

'...'

>...You'll see.

'...Okay.'

>See that? That's why you're my favorite Bubblehorse. You're awesome, and you don't ask too many questions. No worries! It is nothing bad for you... now for her on the other hoof... hee hee.

'M'kay.'

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

'Is she going to be okay?'

>No, I doubt it.

'That bad?'

>For her. YOU on the other hoof will rather enjoy... well, you'll see.

'...M'kay.'

>Pure awesome, you.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

'...So, with that done, wanna go make snowmares with Two and Cadence?'

>DO I!? That sounds wonderful!

'Think anyone will be mad she summoned an army of snow monsters?'

>Meh. We might just blame it on Discord, what're they going to do?

'Fair enough... can I get a ride down?'

>Oh, Shiny, always so eager to ride me.

'Maybe I wouldn't be if you weren't so eager to get me on your back.'

>Ha ha! Ohhh... I missed this winter fun.

'Yeah, this is nice.'

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

>Most wonderful time of the year...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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 >Twilight
"Sunset"
'Spike'
~~~~

>Pllleeeeeeaaaase?

'No.'

"Pllleeeeaaaasseeee?"

'No.'

>"Pleeeeaaassseeee?"

'NO! Why do I need to man the giant fake dragon anyway!? You're just pretending it!'

>Authenticity!

"Authenticity is important!"

'Where did you even get all this treasure!?'

>...Borrowed it.

"But we'll put it back!"

'What!?'

>Don't tell Celestia.

'AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A BEARD!?'

"Has he never read the Hoppit?"

>Never. Does not even know the Hoard of the Kings.

"WHAT!? How can you live with such a plebeian!?"

>He's very unreasonable, it's hard sometimes.

'I'm unreasonable!? You're the ones who want me to get inside a giant fake dragon so that you can pretend to outwit me with an invisibility bracelet!'

>...What was the point of saying those two unconnected things?

"Admittance of a problem with the first and then detailing the awesomeness he's ashamed he didn't think of after that?"

>Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

'...I'm going to go play cards with Shiny.'

>"NERD!"

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 >Hilda
"Siegfried"
'Vekir'
[Anton]
~~~
>Siegfried. Have you been doing well with our guests?

"On what planet does the crown prince have to babysit toddlers!?"

>There is no such planet.

"And yet-"

>Which is why you are watching those two.

"...Missed the point much?'

>Did I? Vekir?
'VEKIR IS NOT GRUB! SHE IS JUST SHORT!'
>Very good. Anton?
[AH-CHOO!]
>That is a yes. Too bad.

"...You can be a rather big bitch sometimes, Hilda."

>Cursing in the presence of a toddler? That's a new low.

"You just said they weren't toddlers!"

>They're not. I said toddler. Singular, and he won't stop squawking.

"Anton never says anything!"

>..
"..."
'...Uh-'
>Wait for it.
"...I know what you meant, I'm just mad."

>Mission accomplished.

"Oh, go back to preening my self-important brother!"

>Now, see, I'm sure you meant that as an insult, but first and foremost he's very selfless, as a king should be-not that you would need to know-

"FUCK YOU!"

>-and second, I actually do preen him. A king needs to look presentable twenty four seven, unlike you.

"..."

>..What?

"That's weird."

>What? It is not!

[It uh... it kind of is.]

"See! Even he knows!"

>It's not weird! Vekir, chime in!

"Oh please, Her weird-not-weird scale is completely inverted! If anything, it's evidence against-"

'Vekir thinks it's a little weird.'

"HAH!"

>...

"Wait... Look, just because I said that a second ago... uh... even a stopped clock is right twi..."

>Are you ever going to learn to stuff something in your mouth in time?

"I don't stuff things in my mouth, I stuff things in OTHER gryphons mouths.... and sometimes ponies... and a zebra one time...."
>...
"...Perhaps I should have stopped."
>Perhaps.

'Are you lost as well, short catbird?'

[No... but I wish I was.]

'DRAT! Vekir will know of your secrets eventually!'

"Help?"

>No.

"As I said... a bitch."
>A bitch that doesn't have to babysit.
"...A... bitch..."

'Now THAT Vekir understands!'

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>Bob
"Spreadsheet"
'Gryphonbot'
-???-
~???~

In the finest room of the Gilded Goose Inn, a vile plot is being hatched!

>Right, so, Bandit Leader?

"Disposed."

>Great. Voting blocs?

"Identified."

>Our strategy?

"Formulated."

>Good girl, Sheet, wish I had a hundred like you.

"Impossible."

>Yeah, you're one of a kind...for now. Anyway, now we just need to wait for-

-INCOMING!-

~Yeeeeehaw!~

-INSUFFICIENT SPACE FOR CLEAN LAND-!-

Crash!

A confluence of scale and metal smashed through the open window of the room, the two bodies they respectively belonged to coming to a rest by smacking into the wooden wall at the other end of the room.

>Ah, here they are. Mr.'s Fizzle and Sentry, I presume.

-Ungh...yeah...-

~Man...fuck that window, we would've totally looked badass if it was a little bigger.~

'Can this unit be of assistance?'

>No no, just let them walk it off. Gentlemen, welcome to Gryphos, can I interest you in some of the local mead?

-Nngh...no, it'll-MAJOR SYSTEM FAILURE IF CONSUMED-gah, it'll gum me up bad.-

~And I prefer-uhhh...fire...whiskey, yeah, I like pure fifty billion proof fire whiskey.~

>A pity, what can we blame on your delay?

-Uhhh...-

~Kobolds, like, ninety of them. Riding bugbears.~

"Incorrect."

~Hey screw you!~

>No matter, we're glad to have you. Now our operations here can begin in earnest.

~I thought we were in Gryphos.~

"Idiot."

~HEY!~

>Please please, come over to our little table here. Now see these names?

-Hightalon, Falconstein, and Cloudwing?-

>Yes, these names ring a bell?

-Well-GRYPHONIAN NOBILITY FILES-gah, I mean, yeah, I remember them being talked about when I was in the guard. Nothing really linking them, though.-

>I see you're out of the loop, so allow me to elucidate...
ONE EXPOSITION LATER...

>And there you have it. To ensure our operations remain undisturbed we must ensure these families and their supporters vote correctly. Supervise the democratic process, if you will.

~And how do we do that?~

>Well the Hightalons are lost cause for a variety of reasons, sad to say. But dear Spreadsheet here will be taking our Gryphodroid to the Falconsteins to show them what a future for them could be had if the Af Gryphonians stay in power. Meanwhile I will be furthering our cause for when the more decisive time comes.

~And us?~

"Thugs."

~I will punch you in the tit.~

-...wh-she doesn't...well I mean-DATA EXPUNGED. Thank you, me.-

>No no, you've got it all wrong, Mr. Dragon, you will be instrumental in turning the Cloudwings to our cause by posing as thugs. You will invade their little compound outside the walls and tell them how they should vote.

-For the royals, got it.-

>No, against them.

-~What?~-

>If they are told to vote one way, they will most assuredly vote the other.

~Why?~

"Spite."

>The Cloudwings aren't on the best terms with the royal family or the Blackfeathers. Pose as minions of the latter and they will take it as an insult and vote how we need them to.

-The old reverse psychology, heh, I like it.-

>It's so simple even a monkey could do it.

"Or them."

~Fuuuuuck yoooou!~

>Terrific. Let's go make sure the good guys win, team.


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NC
>Rarity
"Twilight"
~~

>Darling? I was wondering, since you've been back in Canterlot for so long, have you had a chance to reconnect with your old friends from here?

"...Uh..."

>...

"..."

>...Forgot all about them, didn't you?

"Sometime around making a giant walking tank and getting buried by an avalanche of snow, yes."

>So are you planning on seeing them again?

"I don't know, let's ask the zombie, mindcontrolling bug queen or other assortment of strange beings if I have time to find them in between examining a dead changelings resurrected brain and trying to restore life to the mare with a rock for a heart!"

>....

"..."

>...Is it no?

"It's a no."

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>56
“???”
~~~~

>…I can feel it. Deep down in my soul, I can just feel it. I’m gonna walk ‘round this corner an’ no matter how slow’m goin’ or how cautious, I’m gonna end up-

FWUMP.

“NGH!”

>…brrngh inf assrgh.

“Annnh, yesss... Whew! I wonder if it’s sad that I somewhat missed this sensation?”

>…grgh.

“I swear I have got to possess the most unused backdoor in Equestria. …Well, next to my dear sister.”

>…

“…Did… did someone in the distance just yell ‘son of a bitch’ in a really jealous, disbelieving manner? Or am I hearing things?”

>...fnppppph.

“Yes. Probably just hearing things.”

>…

“…I’m noticing a distinct lack of enthusiasm on your part, Fifty-Six. No breathing, no huffing, nothing. Does… did my rear lose something?”

>…

“Oh dear, is it… not as soft? It can’t be sagging, can it? I’ve been doing my daily plotercises for over a thousand years!”

>…

“Orrrrr… or, the reason for your silence might be because your face has been melted clean off.”

>…pgh.

“Ah. Me damn it… well, come on, let’s go find the forceps and get some ice.”

>Thnghs…

“Phooey, I never get to have any fun….”

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>Rarity
"Cadence"
~~~~~

>Darrrrling, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice! I'm so glad you could make it for our little lunch meeting, I never get to just have a bit of a tea at a nice restaurant anymore.

"Right? None of the others like tea at the Empire, but I love it!"

>Oh, I know that feeling, so little of my friends enjoy the higher life.

"...Well, I wouldn't call it 'higher'."

>Yes yes yes, poor phrasing. So!... How are things going with yourself at home?

"Oh, you know, now that the city is repaired everything is pretty much back to normal. Shopping isn't that much of a pain when you're a princess, I just walk in and they give me whatever I ask for first. I've seen customers shoved out because of me!"

>...Wouldn't know what that's like...

"It's a bit of a bother sometimes, ponies always hounding me and wanting to know me and so on, it's really hard to tell who's being sincere or who just wants you around because you're a princess sometimes."

>...Wish I could say I knew that one...

"Trust me, you don't, it's a pain."

>Oh, I'm sure... Cadence?

"Hm?"

>Oh, I don't know if this is the best thing to ask, I realize it might be a bit personal, but it's a love related matter-

"No no! Go ahead and shoot! I'm the princess of love, I'm here whenever you need me!"

>Are you sure? I don't want to ruin our little get together with work.

"P-shaw, I love it! Hee, puns... go ahead and ask!"

>Ohhh, very well... what's your opinion on mare-on-mare relations?

"...Huh?"

>Mare on mare, darling, two mares engaging in, shall we say, 'loving' acts?

"Oh! Uh... I don't know what you mean by opinion?"

>You don't have a problem with it? There have been certain rumors-

"What!? From who!? Heavens no! Love can't be bound by gender or race, only in pure emotions shared by two sentient, understanding beings! Love is far too powerful to ever be stopped by something so silly!"

>I see...

"Oh, you know what I think it was? I think it's those stupid tabloids misconstruing my stance on age-differences. I told them! That's nuanced, and love is more unstable in the formative years! It develops weird if you throw in romantic affiliation when they're still trying to understand compassion and empathic love, and then there's the whole issue of consent and... I'm getting off topic."

>Quite alright, quite alright, I was just curious, and I'm sorry for riling you up so much over a silly rumor. Perish the thought!

"Good... stupid tabloids, trying to boil down the nuance of the greatest power in the universe to sell more copies.. I freaking should ban them... can do it, I'm a princess-"

>Though I am now very curious, and I hope you're not going to take offense this, I really do, but... have you ever...

"...Have I ever what?"

>Have you ever kissed a mare?

"...Uhhhh... Eighteen kissed me to fix me after Sunset drained me, does that count?"

>No no no, I mean in the more direct sense. Have you ever... experimented?

"...U-uh...."

>...

"...no."

>No? Really?

"Well, no. I just... never did...

>Never? Hm. I must say, I'm surprised.

"...Is that weird? Is it weird the princess of love never even tried something like that?"

>I suppose it is-

"But on the other hoof, I clearly can't try every aspect of love personally myself first, what, am I just supposed to go around making romantic attachments to every single solitary sentient creature there ever was? Would the Princess of Love really have to be romantically tied to a dragon to understand love with a dragon? And a gryphon and a yak and so on and so forth? That seems silly... I mean, even then, I'd still not understand a gryphon-bison relationship according to them, I'd have to become one of those first through transformation, and oh! We're not even getting into age-differences or any of the weirder ones... you know what? That seems silly."

>...

"Sorry, went off on a tangent there, again."

>O-oh no! No no, I asked after all, why wouldn't I want a full answer? Thank you for being so open!

"If you don't mind me being a little curious, why do you want to know?"

>Hm? Oh, well-

"Is it because of the Spike-Applejack thing?"

>What!?

"..."

>...Actually, yes, let's go with that.

"Uh, why did you-"

>Nevermind. Yes. That is why I asked. I, personally, have er... had a kiss with a mare or two. Never more than that! But I supposed I was curious if you too had done that, and if it made it any easier considering...

"...Oh, right..."

>...

"...Well, I mean, I've never romantically kissed Eighteen, no."

>Oh, are you not planning on it?

"I've... actually never thought about it, now that you pointed it out. Huh, I mean, I understood that they would probably..

>...

"...and I mean, they would have to, right? Expression is important, even if it's not purely in the physical sense, and non-sexual expression is often times more important than the sexual kind is, so... but then I, I said I wanted to be involved with everything, s-so I would naturally have to..."

>

"I uh... we're trying to make this work, after all, so it would be weird if we never... I mean, it's supposed to be shared, right? Between all of us? So... yes, I mean, at the very least I should try, for Shining's sake, just not happened yet is all..."

>Worried you'll mess up?"

"What!? No! Why would I be worried about that?"

>Oh, darling! There's nothing to be worried about, sorry I gave that impression. Sure, it's a lot different with a mare, so I could certainly understand if you were worried it would hurt your relationship or make it awkward, but I never meant to infer it would.

"...Different?"

>Oh yes, night and day, I assure you! I expect Shining Armor would especially change your perception, he seems like he has a specific type of 'method'.

"He... kind of does? Is... is it really that different?"

>Oh... perhaps I've said too much, you seem worried now.

"Well, a little!"

>Oh dear, what have I done... well, you certainly can't do it now.

"What!? Why not!?"

>You're worried, darling, you're sure to mess it up if you do. Will fall face first and break your nose, even. Especially when you're over thinking this.

"Oh crap, you're right! I am overthinking this!"

>So, don't do it.

"..phew..."

>But I mean... you do want to make Shining Armor happy, and he does want this to work...

"...Uh... what are you getting at?"

>Well, I supppooosseee... you should probably find a... practice run?

"...p-practice run?"

>Oh yes! Someone who you can share it with just to get the 'first time' out of the way. It's rahter like looking under the bed, darling, once you see there's nothing really scary down there your brain will fix everything for you! Just like flying, once you know you can handle it, it doesn't matter that the possibility for failure is there, you'll take off anyway!

"...No, not a chance."

>O-oh?

"Yeah, obviously, that would be cheating on Shiny. The chances of me doing that are about as on par with him cheating on me with a stallion, zero, zilch, none, nada."

>Oh of course, Cadence! I meant to do so with someone he trusted and was fine with, after all! Not just some random trollop on the street. After all, I'm sure he wishes you to be less awkward with Eighteen as well, right? Certainly nobody whom he would ever have issue with, but surely he would be okay with it if it were someone he personally knew and was on close terms with, and could trust to make this about you? Come now, clearly you're not going to froth with them in a sea of lusty passion, or even make it sexual at all, it's just kissing practice.

"Well... I guess that's true... but who would I 'practice' with?"

>Hm?... Oh, I haven't a clue, this is all rather sporadic on my part after all, none of this was planned what-so-ever. But I supppoosssee... it would have to be someone you both liked.

"Obviously."

>Someone you both trusted completely.

"Duh."

>Someone who would make this very... I don't know the word, 'professional'? More about you improving than bragging they got some face time with a princess... in fact? The less experienced the better, less pressure to 'match'.

"Necessary."

>And finallly... oh! Oh my, how inconsiderate of me! It would have to be someone Eighteen knew as well, right?

"Oh... yeah, I guess that's important."

>And... that's it! That way, when the time comes, you won't do anything... embarrassing in front of Eighteen.

"You know, I probably could just go with it and try anyway, what's Eighteen going to-"

>I mean, you think doing this is awkward now? Imagine doing all that when you accidentally choked her shoving your tongue down her throat! Oh my, eyes bugged out, gagging and sputtering, trying to tell you all the while trying to tell you it's okay but also trying not to throw up because of your panicking mistake, how dreadful!

"..."

>I'm sorry, did you say something?

"..."

>...Yes. That can happen.

"..."

>...No, I still haven't spoken to her since, and we were roommates for a year after that.

"...I uh... I didn't say anything."

>Oh! So sorry. So... my we got off on a tangent, didn't we? Look at the time!

"Oh, r-right, it is getting rather late."

>Well this has been a lovely discussion! We must do it again some time really soon even! Really, really soon!

"Of course... we'll do this again sometime."

>Ciao, darling! Don't overthink your choices!

With that, Rarity walked away, grinning to herself all the while and subtly rubbing her hooves.

"...okay, so... was... was she offering?... Was she hitting on me?... Was I being... I thought she was in to prince's- well shoot I guess Shiny actually does fit her profiles... was she actually... wait, better question, is she an... option?

Slowly, subtly, she tilted her head to the side.

"...This doesn't do anything at all! Why do all the movies make it look like the answers are found in pony asses!?... I am so confused!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >SA
"Spike"
~~~~

>...Does it normally take this long to order a cheese salad?... Oh, crap, Eighteen is probably overthinking what I want again, I should probably-

TACKLE!
CRASH!

>...Spike, if this is how you profess your attraction to me, while I cannot deny the forwardness, I'm sad to inform you there is a line, and no cutting.

"HA HA! YOU'RE SO FUNNY!"

>You seem on edge.

"Me? Noooo.... have you seen Rarity? White uni-er, white alicorn that is not the one you normally spend time with?"

>I have not.

"Annnnd, what about Forty Two, any chance you've seen her?"

>She swings by occasionally to make sure nobody kidnaps me and takes me to the sex dungeon, but no, not in the last few hours. I assume because she thinks Eighteen will literally tear the jugular our of her throat if they try.

"..."

>She will.

"What about... Cadence?"

>Okay, Spike? Are you planning something that I will in some way disapprove of? I was okay when it was your crush and the mare who you were good friends with, but bringing my wife into the mix violates many a bro code.

"NO! NOTHING LIKE THAT NOT AT ALL AHHAHAHHAWHY WOULD THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ATTRACTIONS!?"

>Fire. You have spit fire at me. I do not like this.

"...NEVERMIND! Have a Happy Hearts Warming!"

>Hearth. Hearth warming. H e a r t h.

"...WHY DID NOBODY CORRECT ME!?"

>I don't know, why are they 'marchmalleys' instead of marshmallows? We just let you guys do this sometimes, it's not personal.

"HAVE A GOOD ONE ANYWAY GOTTA GO BEFORE SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING VERY STUPID AND I HAVE TO BITE HER CUTIE MARK TO MAKE HER- oh wow there's that funny scale feeling again."

>...

"...BYE!"

ZOOOM!

>...Shiny? At some point, you just have to accept it... you brought this on yourself.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >SL
“Haymaker”
‘12’
~~~~

>You know, oddly enough, not even pervert here follows me this closely. I’ve been slapping you over the face with my tail for about five minutes now. ...Wait, don’t tell me… is that your particular fet-

“Lady, nothing you could ever do would excite me on that level. I’m just being cautious.”

>Ah, so that’s what the kids are calling it nowadays. Being cautious. Hey, perv! I guess that’s what you’ve been doing all this time? Being cautious, right?

The changeling trotting beside Screwloose, and taking in the sights of a castle he was usually away from, hunched a shoulder.

‘Meh. I just love your hooves.’

>See, that’s how you man up. That right there is the sexy answer. Honesty, Maker of Hay, you might want to learn it.

“There has to be an inkling of truth there for honesty to exist, lady.”

>Oho, so you’re the boring ‘by the books’ type of colt, eh? Great. I love having wet blankets as travel companions.

‘Speaking of, why ARE you following us, Maker? Isn’t your escort job over?’

“It’s an addendum. When she’s back in her room, I’m free. When she’s not, I’m not. But that aside, as a guard, I’m duty bound to ensure safety, and no offense and not for nothing but your marefriend here is the polar opposite of the meani-GNF!”

>Hm? Oh, sorry, did my sexy little tail find its way into your jabbering mouth?

“GNGH RGH!”

‘…’

>Well, while it’s in there, you might as well start nibbling, yes? And for the love of Faust, don’t hesitate to give a cleansing lick or t-AHNN! S-so the dog of the sun can bite, eh?

“FUGH OOO!”

>Mmmm… less talky, more bitey. Leave a mark if you have to.

‘…Hm. Want me to grab a hoof, Screwloose?’

>A-arf… H-Happy Hearth’s Warming to me.~

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Steam Gauge"
'QuicksilverSash'

---

"Hey man, what you upto?"

'Why aren't you in armour?'

"Wha- Oh, day off. Plus, I suppose you like a stallion in uniform, eh?"

'S-shut it. Why do you get days off so much?'

"I work my shifts in odd days. Plus you work so much that you probably think I do fuck all."

'Yeah, I can get that.'

"When's your break?"

'Had it, unfortunately.'

"Anything interesting today?"

'Not really, some petty catfight in the markets over some makeup that I had to break up, nothing above that.'

"Over makeup? Heh, mares..."

'Yeah... mine now though.'

"You took the makeup?"

'Well no, I mean, I paid for it after they left. I just... told them if they were gonna fight over something so silly, then neither of them could have it.'

"Ha... so you brought it."

'Come on, how could I not? It was Neighvon, that shit's expensive and probably the best stuff around.'

"Your heading into mares talk territory, man. I'm starting to feel horribly emasculated just by standing near you."

'Oh shush, I'm wearing it right now, it was glimmerstick dark lavender, really brings out the blue in my eyes, doesn't it?'

"Er... you look... pretty?"

'Eeeeeee, I knew this one was good!'

"Dude, you are the most feminine, weird-arse stallion I have ever met."

'Oh oh! I've also got this new jade foundation on right now, it really makes my face shine, no?'

"...But you're an awesome friend. Wouldn't trade ya for the world."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chitania
"Random Guard"
~~~

>...

"..."

>...

"...S-so, uh..."

>...

"...So is that actually you?"

>...WHO KEEPS MANUFACTURING THESE THINGS!?

"Can you sign my Chitania's Crushers smacking figure? It's uh... it's for my kid."

>NO!

"Come on, that's not very in character."

>GRAAHHHH!

"Nothing like my fanfics."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Twilight
"Sunset"
'Luna'
~~~~

'So... I'm who now?'

>Ugghhhh.

"She doesn't read?"

>Not a reader.

'We are so a reader!'

>Look, you're going to be playing the part of the fallen winged being from the land of the above-all, then forged a kingdom in Tartarus with a lot of evil shadow beings.

'...This seems oddly familiar.'

"Oh, so she did read Shangrila Gone."

'WE WERE THERE WHEN IT WAS WRITTEN!'

>...

'...We never READ it, but...'

"..."

'SHUT UP!'

"No respect for the classics."

'In my day, they were just called books!'

>They're called that now.

'YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEANT!'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Shiny
“Celestia”
‘???’
~~~~

>Huh. You know, back at the Empire when I decided to pay you a visit, just a little ‘hey how ya doing’, I gotta say… didn’t really expect to find you holding Fifty-Six’s head under the water in a bathtub like you were trying to squeeze terroristic information out of him.

“Welp, you know what they say. Every day brings new sights.”

>Wise ponies. Very wise. Now, before I slowly back out of the room and head for my trusty bottle of brain bleach, mind telling me what’s going on, ‘Tia?

“Sure. I melted his face off."

>M’kay. So that’s three steps towards the door taken. Continue.

“No, no, you silly bubblehorse. I-well, he kind of walked into my, er… my rear and-”

The sudden emergence of 56, gasping and flailing about, interrupted the alabaster alicorn as he latched onto the tubs edge.

‘AAAAAGH WATER! WATER EVERYWHERE! OH SWEET PLOTMIND IT’S IN MY HOLES SOMEBODY HEL-‘

With little next to no effort, Celestia dunked the spazzing changeling back under.

“Cute little thing, isn’t he? Absolutely despises taking baths. And water in general.”

>…His… his face….

“Mhm, just evidence that my ass is as hot as ever.”

>But… peeling chitin….

“The sun, Shiny. My ass is the sun. Fortunately, Fifty-Six possesses a near alicorn-level durability like your daughter."

>…

The King of the Empire merely blinked.

Then he approached his longtime bestie, gave her a nuzzle just at the curve of her neck, and left without a parting word.

“…As hindsight kicks in like a shotgun blast, I can fully admit that a princess holding a thrashing changeling underwater might look a bit bad. Very bad, in fact. I can admit this, not exactly the smartest thing I’ve ever done. But it’s for his own good!”

‘Blurburburburgh….’

“Hush now, you’ll be well soon, dear. Huuuush…”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>77
"88"
'???'
~~~~

>Stop it.

"Jeeze, Seventy Seven, don't get so angry! You'll see red!"

>Stop it.

"Your outlook on life is really sour. You need a new one!"

>Stop it.

"Tsk, only listening to the words, not what they mean. Just can't see the the forest for the trees."

>STOP IT.

"Look out!"

>STOP IT STOP IT STOP-

'OW!'

>...Oh... that last one was a warning.

'...Uh, Seventy Seven? I thought eyepatches were only supposed to cover one eye.'

"HA HA!"

>NOT! FUNNY!

'...Uh-'

"Hey, Spike? You see these things on my hip?"

'Oh hey, what are those canisters?...They kinda look like-'

*FLASH!*

'MY EYYYYYYEEEESSS!'

"Really? Mine feel juuuuuussst fine."

>...You're not clever. You didn't win that easily.

"Really? Spike? How's my skills?"

'WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH!?'

"Working with disabilities, I'm a goddamn hero."

>...You suck.

"That's not how you spell ROCK!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________