horriblePuns.txt

general (on kill):
You know, I'm really not feeling all that damned.
Thanks for leaving me all this health and ammo, by the way. I'm flattered.
I'm pretty sure I've kicked all of your asses already, but I'm not picky.
Worst. Party. Ever.
You smell bad, too!


big fight (goes into either "tons of dudes" or "boss"):
Aw, I knew you guys cared.
Well, this is about to get... ugly.
I'm sure we'll be best friends.
Oh yeah. You know you wanna check out my guns.


tons of dudes:
Speaking in front of a crowd isn't my strong suit... but I'll manage.
Wow, there are a *lot* of you. Let's start a party!
Am I interrupting something?
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHERE THE BATHROOM IS?
Shit, I was supposed to bring a snack, wasn't I?


boss:
We'll get along fine, I promise.
Hey, you got change for a twenty? There's this vending machine and... ah, screw it.
Hey, you! Where's the bathroom around here?
Are you single?


multiple bosses:
How can I choose just one?
Look, I'm sorry, but this just isn't going to work out.
Whoa now. Single file, one at a time.
Can this wait? I really need to use the bathroom!
Am I that good looking?


defeating boss:
Was that your first time? Because it felt like your first time.
Well that was a violent breakup.
Baby, it's not you. it's me.
I can change, I promise!
And I still don't know where the bathroom is!


fist:
Lemme give you a hand or two.
And you thought you'd beat me to the punch.
That was a pretty good punchline, don't you think?
That's not how you fistbump, moron.
So close, and yet so far away.


scrapper:
It's the circle of life. Except with ammo!
Don't expect a scrap of sympathy from me.
How fitting, for trash like you.
I'm a heavy metal fan, myself.
Reduce, reuse, recycle.


pistol(s):
I was going to wait for "draw", but I got impatient.
*whistles western duel tune*  *1
It's not the size of the gun, it's the motion of the bullets.
Wait a second. This doesn't shoot peas!
I love action movies!


shotgun:
Take a shot.
Don't get all broken up on me!
Hey now. One at a time, don't be shellfish.
You guys *suck* at hot potato!
It's. Not. A. Noob tube.


ssg:
You know how they say, reach out and touch someone? Well when I do it, *you die*.
So that's what they mean by "go out with a bang!"
That's what you get, you shellout.
You guys blow up over the tiniest things, I swear.
What's the matter, can't take a good shelling?


chaingun:
Demons aren't holey? Says who?
There. Maybe you can cool down now.
Aww, how sad. It's raining on your funeral.
I'm really starting to doubt my acupuncture skills.
I thought you guys liked popcorn.


minigun:
Hm. Looks like you don't run on unleaded!
Look, you were going to die of lead poisoning anyway.
Why are you all split up over this?
Is it getting hot in here, or am I that good looking?
This debate's starting to get heated.
I'm on fire, baby!


rocket launcher:
Man, I gotta work on my explosive entry.
Hey guys, I brought the salsa dip!
I should take up painting.
I dunno about you, but this tumbler thing seems alright to me.  (in reference to the alt-fire rocket tumbling)
I'm creating custodial jobs by the second!


plasma rifle:
My, you're positively glowing!
*sniff sniff* Eugh, who left the oven on?
Careful there, you'll blind yourself.
Over already? Things were just starting to heat up.
There are more than three types of matter! Take a chemistry class!


bfg:
It's not my fault it's so wide!
Is this what they mean by going green? Because this is awesome.
Settle down, ladies. There's enough for all of you.
I've got a good personality, too.
It's like Christmas!
Uh, you guys were here just a second ago...





????:
Oh man it's everywhere. I swear this has never happened before.


*1: specifically, the one in this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dC6jnHFdqbQ