00:09] Magsamm: : p
[00:10] Magsamm: to give you an example
[00:10] Magsamm: I recently lost a chess match against a buddy who had consumed 9 pints of beer.
[00:11] Magsamm: :joy: xD
[00:12] Magsamm: im just really foggy and struggle with paying attention to anything : p
[00:12] Magsamm: so that makes me really insecure and afraid to mess up :p
[00:15] Magsamm: I hope I get to hear your voice again soon, I really miss it :p
[00:21] Magsamm: its been almost 2 months : o
[00:21] Magsamm: jeez, time goes by fast
[00:23] desvoeuxensis: well i wanted to voice chat a few times but it didn't work out
[00:24] Magsamm: yeah :<
[00:27] Magsamm: ill see you later Jess. I just feel like going to bed and cry for a bit x)
[00:27] Magsamm: sorry : p im hopeless
[00:28] Magsamm: hopefully ill wear myself out and pass out eventually.
[00:28] Magsamm: in an hour or two.
[00:32] desvoeuxensis: awwww
[00:32] desvoeuxensis: well i'm here if you come back
[00:32] desvoeuxensis: :hearts:
[00:57] Magsamm: So uhm... That was a mistake :p now I'm really in a panic x)
[00:58] Magsamm: It's so bad i got the urge to leave :<
[01:14] desvoeuxensis: what?
[01:14] desvoeuxensis: what's the mistake?
[01:15] desvoeuxensis: i can't see the mistake?
[01:15] desvoeuxensis: sorry i hvae a family crisis going on so maybe i'm not understanding this situation so well
[01:15] Magsamm: Ah, sorry!
[01:18] Magsamm: It's just these thought loops. Sorry, i didn't mean to add to your stress :< im really sorry
[01:19] desvoeuxensis: nothing to be sorry for
[01:19] desvoeuxensis: i just
[01:19] desvoeuxensis: idk what you have going on in your head
[01:19] desvoeuxensis: but for the record i'm okay with you :heart:
[01:19] desvoeuxensis: might not respond reliably for a while tho
[01:19] Magsamm: Okay <3
[01:20] Magsamm: Ill give you an example another time
[15:52] Magsamm: Oh, and the mistake was me going off all by myself to think x) i just can't catch a break :'
[15:55] Magsamm: I really am sorry Jess. It's so messy inside this head of mine :p
[15:57] Magsamm: Also sorry for adding to your stress with family and all that :< I'm such a jerk
[17:11] desvoeuxensis: idk mags
[17:11] desvoeuxensis: this always happens
[17:12] desvoeuxensis: why do you keep going off by yourself to think?
[17:12] desvoeuxensis: you know it just causes you to spiral
[17:12] desvoeuxensis: but you keep doing it
[17:58] Magsamm: yeah i know... its just that some of the things that then pops into my head makes me feel like a bad person and friend etc, so going off on my own feels less selfish : p im so dumb x)
[17:59] desvoeuxensis: you're not dumb, but i think it's important to recognize the pattern
[18:00] desvoeuxensis: so that you can substitute in a more healthy way to handle those thoughts when they emerge
[18:01] Magsamm: yeah : p
[18:01] desvoeuxensis: i know i say this all the time but you need to go pull down one of those lists of activities off the internet
[18:02] desvoeuxensis: and highlight a few that seem like the kind of thing that might work fo ryou
[18:02] desvoeuxensis: some of them are just going to sound horrible
[18:03] Magsamm: I will look into it
[18:03] desvoeuxensis: but some will be like... okay maybe i could make myself do that even if i was freaking out
[18:03] desvoeuxensis: and then start trying them and rating them basically
[18:03] Magsamm: mhm
[18:04] desvoeuxensis: until you have a list of like 10 things that help you
[18:04] Magsamm: right
[18:04] desvoeuxensis: this sentence:
[18:04] desvoeuxensis: Allow time to pass. Often the best thing to do to reduce anxiety is just to allow time to pass, without doing the types of activities that increase anxiety.
[18:04] desvoeuxensis: that's the problem here
[18:05] desvoeuxensis: once time passes, your anxiety does go down and you come back and talk to me again
[18:06] desvoeuxensis: but when you're anxious you do "the types of activities that increase anxiety"
[18:06] desvoeuxensis: and then when you are feeling less anxious, that's great, but you put yourself down a lot, because you feel dumb about the things you did when you were anxious
[18:07] desvoeuxensis: you cannot control the fact that you are the recipient of these irrational fear thoughts
[18:07] desvoeuxensis: that is not your fault and you can't change that
[18:07] desvoeuxensis: what is within your control is what you do in reaction to them
[18:07] desvoeuxensis: and you need to do things that help you weather the storm, in ways that don't escalate it, and that you don't feel dumb about afterward
[18:07] desvoeuxensis: for your sake, not mine
[18:10] Magsamm: Yeah I know, and ill try to implement some coping mechanisms that hopefully works better.
[18:25] Magsamm: Mixed in with the irrational thoughts are things that I wish were different, or that I could change etc. all of which are out of my control ofc. and the frequency of which this is occuring tells me im on my last legs really : p tsk.
[18:26] Magsamm: anyhoo, its nothing that does either of us any good to dwell on, so ill shut up now : p
[18:26] desvoeuxensis: i don't know what you mean when you say you are on your last legs
[18:28] Magsamm: nearly lost my will to keep fighting.
[18:32] Magsamm: anyhoo, you have your own stuff to deal with, so ill shut up : p its selfish of me to keep doing this.
[18:33] Magsamm: Well, it feels selfish anyways.
[18:38] desvoeuxensis: :(
[18:39] desvoeuxensis: i miss you
[18:39] desvoeuxensis: i miss when we could just spend time together
[18:39] desvoeuxensis: and i could enjoy your personality
[18:39] desvoeuxensis: now it's always just you saying you want to get away
[18:39] desvoeuxensis: just day after day of you telling me that you want to get away from me
[18:41] desvoeuxensis: i wish we could just hang out and talk
[18:41] desvoeuxensis: you just give me the options of
[18:41] desvoeuxensis: A. talk about how i'm making you want to kill yourself
[18:41] desvoeuxensis: B. don't get mags in my day
[18:48] Magsamm: yeah I know...
[18:48] Magsamm: and I dont wanna get away from you
[18:49] Magsamm: in fact, I wish I could spend more time with you
[18:51] desvoeuxensis: it just doesn't feel that way at all :(
[18:52] Magsamm: yeah I can see how it would be perceived that way Jess.
[18:52] Magsamm: and im really sorry
[18:52] Magsamm: also, you're not making me want to kill myself.
[18:52] desvoeuxensis: well it seems like if you had never met me you wouldn't be this low
[18:54] Magsamm: if I hadnt met you i wouldve found some other reason to feel low.