Commentarii de Bello Gallico

>be us, the gauls
>we are farting at the romans
>we are waving our farts into their clean air
>they are trying to enter into our druidic groves
>to see our human sacrifices
>but they keep getting lost
>and killed
>because we keep building hedge mazes
>and we lead them into our hedge mazes
>and then brain them with our clubs
>it's a lot of fun
>we drink a lot
>we go berserk
>we brain romans
>life is good


>be me, bonkmatix
>i'm with my friend, pickle asterix
>we're going to rome
>because last time we were there
>we got a parking ticket
>and we're going to dispute the charges
>pickle asterix says this better be worth it
>he says we're missing a lot of really cool human sacrifices
>i say i want to learn how the roman system works
>we get to a roman military outpost
>we go to see the commander
>we ask him where can we pay our parking ticket
>he says all roads lead to rome
>we say okay
>we start down a road
>i say this is really convenient
>but we get lost
>we think we're in the alps
>we get to an old fortress
>we decide to stop for the night
>it's really creepy in the fortress at night
>we hear wolves
>we see a dracula
>we say hi dracula
>he says hey
>he starts showing us all the vampires he's creating
>he says look at these armadillos
>they're vampires now
>he says look at this possum
>he says it's a vampire now
>he says look at this bee emerging from its little bee-sized coffin
>it's a vampire now
>we're highly impressed
>we say that's very cool but we're looking for rome, we have an unpaid parking ticket
>he says he doesn't care, he only cares about vampire stuff.
>we say that's probably pretty sensible, people should stick to what they know
>he bites us
>we become draculas
>this is incompatible with being gaulic
>so we split into two lifeforms
>a dracula and a gaul
>the dracula bites the gaul
>the gaul splits into a dracula and a gaul
>this creates a lot of draculas
>a DANGEROUS amount of draculas
>the system detects the sudden influx of draculas
>the moderator begins spam-deleting draculas
>but he can't keep up with the amount of draculas being generated
>he has no choice but to delete the gaul
>so he can clean up the dracula mess
>he goes back in his timeline
>to find the original gaul
>he tries to copy and paste it
>the gaul's code won't copy and paste for some reason
>he has to enter it in manually
>he runs the gaul
>it's a big glitchy mess
>he fucked up somewhere
>he runs through the whole line of code again
>he can't figure out what he did wrong
>he goes online
>he does a superficial search for gaulic errors
>nobody has had a similar problem
>fuck
>he searches the university
>for anyone who specializes in the gauls
>he finds a professor emeritus
>he sends an email detailing his issue
>the professor sends back "meet me at dollar pizza at 3"
>it's a bit mysterious
>but he goes and visits dollar pizza at 3pm
>there's nobody there
>he emails the professor
>the professor says he meant 3am
>okay
>well
>he spends the day downtown
>he watches a movie
>he shops at some stores
>he buys a weird rambling book
>he buys a six pack of lager and drinks it in the park out in front of city hall
>the outside lights come on
>he drinks and drinks
>then walks and walks and walks
>he can't walk anymore
>he heads back to dollar pizza
>he eats a bunch of dollar slices
>he watches the people come and go
>it starts getting tense because he's been here a long time waiting
>and the three dollars of pizza he ate doesn't really cover the amount of time he's been sitting and taking up a table
>but finally the professor shows up
>and they exchange pleasantries
>he takes out his computer and shows the professor what's going on
>the professor takes a long time looking it over
>he silently pours over the code
>his wild brows furrow
>his eyes grow weary
>he takes off his glasses
>and blinks harshly
>he cleans his glasses
>and puts them back on
>he returns to parsing code
>he breathes loudly through his nostrils
>the blue light of morning begins to illuminate the outside
>ah, he says
>the professor turns the computer around
>you left out an asterisk
>the guy slams the computer shut
>he says I KNOW I LEFT OUT AN ASTERIX
>NOW HOW DO I PUT HIM BACK IN


A Very Important Story

>be me, bonky
>i'm trying to relate to pickle homer how much what he does hurts me
>i say it's like, imagine a normal person's pain: now multiply that by like TEN
>pickle homer says well imagine a normal person's pain: now multiply that by eighteen and that's how much pain -I- feel.
>i say well imagine a normal person's pain: now multiply it by FIFTY, that's how much pain I feel when something bad happens to me
>pickle homer says okay, okay, imagine a normal person's pain
>i say okay i'm imagining a normal person's pain
>he says multiply that by A HUNDRED FIFTY
>i say oh my gosh
>that's a lot of pain
>he says that's right
>i say i can never let you feel such pain again
>i get up
>he says what are you doing
>i go into the garage
>i get a mattress
>i go back in
>he says wait a minute
>i fold pickle homer up in the mattress like a burrito
>i bind it up
>i say i'm going to keep you safe
>he says where are you taking me
>i am carrying you to somewhere you will never feel pain
>i am taking you someplace safe
>i hear him stress sigh
>but this is for his own good
>i take him to the tower bridge
>i throw the mattress off the bridge
>i just know that whenever i'm in the water i feel weightless
>i feel so good in the cool water
>i see him disappear into the depths of the water where it is coolest
>i feel so happy for him
>he will never have to feel a normal person's pain times one hundred and fifty again so long as he remains in his mattress burrito aqua abode