Machete Kills (2013)

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akumenang.com

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A new world enslaved.

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This is a land
in need of a hero.

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They call him

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Machete. Machete.
Machete.

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He knows the score.

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We need a leader.

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We need a revolution.

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We need you, Machete.

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He gets the space babes.

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The people
need us, Machete.

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This is a new Network.

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It's all galactic and shit.

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He thinks he's God
in Heaven.

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So Heaven must fall.

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And he kills
the bad guys.

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Starring Danny Trejo,

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Michelle Rodriguez...

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Eat photons, bitches.

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...Alexa Vega.

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With Justin Bieber as Bleep.

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00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,550
And Lady Gaga as

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whoever she wants to be.

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With special guest star

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Leonardo DiCaprio as
the Man in the Silver Mask.

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Actor subject to change

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Machete Kills Again...

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...In Space.

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Rated X for cigarette use,
prolonged sexual content,

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pervasive language
and space violence.

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Where the fuck are they?

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Hands up, assholes!

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ICE. You're under arrest!

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Stay down!

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Immigration?

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The fuck is this?

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What the fuck
does it look like?

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Get your ass
on the ground.

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Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever
strapdick you rode in on...

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Don't call me sweetheart.

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Move and I'll blow
your brains out.

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You can't!
You don't have jurisdiction!

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We're the goddamned military!

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You're selling military
weapons to the cartel.

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Did you really think
they were gonna pay you?

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You're lucky we got here first.

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Cartel.

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Where's el cohete?

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It's about goddamn time!

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You fuckholes were
supposed to be waiting.

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Save these two for me.

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I know you.

53
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You're Machete.
Enemy of the cartels.

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It's my lucky day.

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A man who kills a legend
becomes a legend himself.

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Who are these guys?

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All right, let's go.

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No! He said "cohete."

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These guys are pros. They didn't come
here for a couple of used M-16s.

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Let's go,
it's not worth it.

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You're the one that
taught me that the law

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and justice aren't
always the same thing.

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We gotta stop 'em.

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Oh, shit.

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I wish you hadn't seen this.

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You have the right
to remain silent.

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Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.

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That is quite
the resume you got there, Taco.

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I mean, one might
consider you

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to be a bit of an overachiever
when it comes to killing people.

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I bet you consider yourself a
mean motor scooter, don't you?

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Especially now we
got 24 cartel boys

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laid out in pieces
all over my desert.

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Well, I got news
for you, Taco.

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They was the reserves.
They was the peons.

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They're the red-headed mongoloid
runts of Los Cuerpos,

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and Los Cuerpos
don't take kindly

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to strangers
disciplining their own.

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Can I get an amen
on that, Clebourne?

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Amen, sir.

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See, here's the bad
news for you, Taco.

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I'm the only one who plays
vigilante around these parts.

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And since you just killed
yourself a Federal officer,

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I'm about to have me and mine
a hog-killing good time.

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I didn't kill her.

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Tomato, tomato.

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Let's not get hung up
on the details, shall we?

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Drop him, Clebourne.

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Well, I'll be goddamned.

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They say
he doesn't die, sir.

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Been shot, stabbed.

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Doesn't ever die.

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Bull-fucking-shit.

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This Pedro has just
got a thick neck is all.

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Sheriff, it's for you.

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It damn sure ain't the governor.

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It's the President.

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The President.
Yeah?

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Of course, Mr. President.
Yes, sir.

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This is Machete.

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Machete.

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Welcome to
the White House.

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Good thing we got
to you when we did.

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Southern hospitality
can be a bitch.

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Why am I here?

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Right to the point.
I like that.

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No bullshit.

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I'm a bit of a
no-bullshit guy myself.

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So, all bullshit aside...

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Get someone else.

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We need you, Machete.

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We got a situation
on our hands.

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There's a revolutionary south of
the border named Marcos Mendez.

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You heard of him?

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He's crazy.
He's out of his mind.

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He's got a missile
aimed at Washington.

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He says he's gonna blow us up
if we don't invade Mexico,

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clean up the cartels,
and stop the violence

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they're spreading
across the land.

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What's that got
to do with me?

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The basic violation of sovereignty
aside, we can't take the bait.

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However, you know Mexico.
Hell, you are Mexico.

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I want you
to head back south,

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find Mendez,
and just check him out.

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But if what
he's saying is true,

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kill him.

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I'm not interested.

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Motherfucker, I'm not asking
if you're interested.

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I'm the President of the
United fucking States, man.

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Machete don't smoke.

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I could just as easily
send you back to your pals

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in Hang 'Em High,
Arizona.

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00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:13,107
The way I see it, you ain't
got much to chew on, hombre.

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You know what this is?

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Your criminal record.

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00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:23,993
Do this for us
and, poof, it's gone.

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Your past
no longer exists.

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00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:30,291
In exchange for your services,
I'm making you legal.

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00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,747
You don't have
to sign anything,

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raise your right hand,
none of that shit.

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I just stamp this
bad motherfucker,

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and you are now an official
citizen of the USA.

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00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,562
I just saved you from your noose.

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00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:48,809
Save me from mine.

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00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,687
Do it for your country,
your new country.

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00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,115
Isn't that what your dead
girlfriend would want?

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Agent Sartana?

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00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,531
If you won't do this
for me, Machete,

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do it for her.

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00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,509
Your contact
is in San Antonio.

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00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:25,182
She'll brief you and get you
across the border wall.

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00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,179
Your nation owes you a debt
of gratitude, Machete.

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Go kick some ass.

154
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:36,941
Ladies and gentlemen, El Rey
Network's very own Miss Texas Pageant

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presents Miss San Antonio!

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Thank you.

157
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,285
What do I believe?

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I believe ¡n the word "equality."

159
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,328
I believe in a woman's
right to choose.

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Choose what?

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00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,410
A snow cone, if that's what
she's in the mood for.

162
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,963
I believe in good barbecue, the
two-step, and the right to carry a gun.

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00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:58,336
World peace?
Sure, why not?

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00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,293
But if we really wanna
talk about world peace,

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we have to start by tearing down that
wall that separates us from Mexico.

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That wall only enables
us to ignore

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00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,349
the violence and injustice
that is occurring down there,

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00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:11,726
thus making world peace nothing more
than a beauty pageant pipe dream.

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00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,390
God bless Texas.

170
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,771
Thank you.

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00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,425
You must be Machete.

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00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:44,929
Blanca Vasquez.

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00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,803
Codename,
Miss San Antonio.

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00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:51,177
I'll be your handler for the
duration of your assignment.

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00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,227
You get into a stitch,

176
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,021
and I'll be in your ear
with the what's what,

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00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,565
the who's who and the
when's where of it all.

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00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,820
Try not to be distracted by the
cleavage and the hairspray.

179
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,614
It's part of my cover.

180
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,824
This gig keeps me
close to the border

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00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,248
and the designer duds
ain't bad, either.

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00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:14,041
What happened
to world peace?

183
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,117
Fuck world peace.

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The M4 carbine long-range.

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00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:21,883
It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer
grip, a customized trigger.

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00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,710
Fast enough to nip a
jackrabbit on roller skates.

187
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,757
That is, of course,

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you happen to come across a
jackrabbit on roller skates.

189
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:31,388
Or, my personal favorite,
the grappler.

190
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,469
Fires up to 30 yards.

191
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:37,228
Good for when you gotta scratch
those hard to reach places.

192
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,432
I like this.

193
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,519
I like your style.
Low-tech.

194
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,481
But this ain't your
mama's cane cutter.

195
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,990
Consider this the Swiss
Army Knife of machetes.

196
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,696
Machete.

197
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,866
Tell me about Mendez.

198
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,831
Marcos Mendez
is the most sick and twisted

199
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,038
fuckity-fox I've ever
had to keep tabs on.

200
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:03,250
People down south call him
Marcos the Madman.

201
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,130
He used to run
with Los Cuerpos

202
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,961
until one day
he wakes up

203
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:10,594
and decides he's gonna turn on the
cartel, fight for the people.

204
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,721
We figure he's laired-up
in the jungle somewhere

205
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,677
since our satellites
can't pinpoint him.

206
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,139
Our only lead is
this prizewinner,

207
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,816
a working girl, goes
by the name of Cereza.

208
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,564
Find her, find Mendez.

209
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,611
Where can I find her?
In Acapulco.

210
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:28,112
Her information, including the address
to her brothel, is in this dossier.

211
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,567
Uh, uh, uh.

212
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,787
First, I'm gonna need
something from you.

213
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,706
See, even here,
people talk about Machete.

214
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,200
The man.

215
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,545
The myth.

216
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,670
The legend.

217
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:48,299
I just wanna know the
legend inside and out.

218
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,471
I just lost someone.

219
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:56,720
Why don't you let me turn that
frown upside down, Papi?

220
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,424
How long
since you've been back?

221
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,843
Since before
the wall went up.

222
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,678
A lot has changed
since then.

223
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:40,855
It's a run and gun
free-for-all out there.

224
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,682
Acapulco is a war zone,

225
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,438
and we're dropping you
right in the middle of it.

226
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,691
Here. It's a direct
line to yours truly.

227
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,236
You get into a pinch, you just
press pound to phone home.

228
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:53,659
It's good for calls,
texts, tweets.

229
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,281
Machete don't tweet.

230
00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,281
You do now.

231
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:00,457
You ready for this?

232
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,001
Good luck
on that pageant.

233
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,453
I'm gonna need
a lot more than luck!

234
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,413
Did you see the ass
on Miss Corpus Christi?

235
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,231
All right.

236
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:35,739
For all of you new girls,
it's peso-pussy Tuesday.

237
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:41,245
So keep your panties dropped, your legs
spread, and your snatch well-oiled,

238
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,667
'cause you're not walking any
straight lines tomorrow.

239
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,377
As you know,

240
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:50,084
every jerk-off low-life from
this side of Rio Grande

241
00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:53,670
is gonna pile through that door
as soon as the sun comes down,

242
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:57,758
so get them off
and get them out.

243
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:03,938
And, ladies, every stiff pecker
in my parlor pays to play.

244
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:07,065
No freebies.
Those are house rules.

245
00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:09,439
Doors open
in five minutes.

246
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,774
You're early, handsome.

247
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:19,283
But then again, the early
bird gets the fresh egg.

248
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,580
I'm looking for a girl.

249
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:24,204
And I'm looking at a man that
came to the right place.

250
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,535
Pick your poison.

251
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,120
This is the one I want.

252
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,047
Why this one?

253
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,469
Best in Mexico.

254
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,797
Have a seat on the couch,
lover boy.

255
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,757
I'll go fetch her for you.

256
00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,376
Where's the girl?

257
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:11,756
Upstairs. Room six.
But don't go.

258
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,084
You'll miss the peepshow.

259
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,428
I blew my wad,
lover boy.

260
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:31,225
Get him!

261
00:22:37,106 --> 00:22:38,278
Who the fuck are you?

262
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:39,483
Machete.

263
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,865
I've heard
Mendez speak of you.

264
00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:43,821
You want to use me
to get to him?

265
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:47,616
Take me.

266
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,918
Now.

267
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:55,382
Cereza!

268
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:02,507
I said no freebies.

269
00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:09,643
You know, the first thing we are
taught is to defend ourselves.

270
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:12,396
Any one of us
could have killed you.

271
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:13,896
You think my mom
had bite?

272
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,900
Mendez is gonna gut
you like a game hen.

273
00:23:16,979 --> 00:23:18,731
That was your mother?

274
00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:21,283
You're here to kill him,
aren't you?

275
00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:23,952
Look, don't be
a fucking hero, man.

276
00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,452
Mendez is many things, but
merciful is not one of them.

277
00:23:27,865 --> 00:23:30,744
He'll skin you alive for
laying your hands on me.

278
00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,670
I'm his cereza,
his virgin.

279
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,841
Mendez isn't who
you think he is.

280
00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:40,466
The terrible things he did, he
did them for the greater good.

281
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:43,423
All he truly wants
is a better Mexico.

282
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,224
Machete, you have
to promise me

283
00:23:46,300 --> 00:23:48,974
you'll spare his life
and help him.

284
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:51,058
Please, Machete.

285
00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:56,353
If you've ever loved
anyone, you'd understand.

286
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:09,702
Do nothing, say nothing,
or you're dead.

287
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:14,878
Who's this?

288
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:17,415
New bodyguard.
Mother's orders.

289
00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:19,917
Go ahead, Zaror.
Call it in.

290
00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:22,052
Tell Mendez the muscle
comes or I don't.

291
00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:39,274
Yes.

292
00:24:39,603 --> 00:24:41,071
So here's the thing.

293
00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:45,110
He's lost his mind. There
are two sides to him now.

294
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:50,118
Some days he's Mendez the
Revolutionary, fighting for the people.

295
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,830
But other days he's
Mendez the Madman,

296
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:55,877
reliving his cartel glory.

297
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:58,130
It's a toss-up which
one you're gonna get.

298
00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:02,134
So he'll either hug you
or he'll kill you.

299
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:04,586
His condition gets worse every day.

300
00:25:07,589 --> 00:25:09,933
The boss has a message
for you, Machete.

301
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,113
End of message.

302
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:46,299
WOW!

303
00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:51,846
Look what the little
whore dragged in.

304
00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:54,103
Machete Cortez.

305
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:57,143
Yes, I've heard
your stories.

306
00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:01,143
People still sing
songs about you.

307
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:05,857
Raise your hand
if you have sung a song

308
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,532
about our friend
Machete here.

309
00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:23,171
Only son of a bitch who gets his
praises sung around here is me.

310
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:27,837
So tell me, Machete, what did
you think of my Cereza, huh?

311
00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:30,260
It's a shame
I had to let her go,

312
00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:33,183
but by bringing you here
she betrayed me.

313
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:36,845
She was trying
to save you.

314
00:26:37,137 --> 00:26:38,184
You know what this is?

315
00:26:39,056 --> 00:26:41,684
This is the enema
I plan to fire up

316
00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:43,565
the asshole of
the United States.

317
00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:45,688
Why, Mendez?

318
00:26:46,188 --> 00:26:49,408
Because our people don't
need songs or stories.

319
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:51,531
They need action.

320
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:53,074
There's other ways.

321
00:26:53,403 --> 00:26:56,031
The motherfuckers
run this country,

322
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:59,873
the corrupt politicians,
the media, hiding the truth,

323
00:27:00,035 --> 00:27:03,380
and the cartels killing anything and
anyone who stands in their path.

324
00:27:03,539 --> 00:27:07,043
The US is responsible
for a lot of this.

325
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:09,928
So since they don't take care
of their part of the problem,

326
00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:12,556
then we will send our part
of the problem to them.

327
00:27:12,756 --> 00:27:13,848
You're crazy.

328
00:27:15,384 --> 00:27:17,386
With a capital
muchacho.

329
00:27:18,262 --> 00:27:20,230
I know why
you're here, Machete.

330
00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:22,604
You work for
the enemy now, huh?

331
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:24,063
Mmm.

332
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,903
Just another Pancho
doing their dirty work.

333
00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,281
I got news
for you, cabrón.

334
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,238
Killing me ain't
in the cards.

335
00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:37,749
'Cause I am the ticking, ticking
wrath of Mexico, motherfucker.

336
00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:40,455
Thanks to my good
doctor here,

337
00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:46,462
that missile's system
is linked right into my heart.

338
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:49,092
So if my heart
stops beating,

339
00:27:49,251 --> 00:27:51,379
Washington will become
the bright shining light

340
00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:53,134
it always thought it was.

341
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:56,758
Disarm it.

342
00:27:57,426 --> 00:28:00,100
There's only two men in the
world who know how to do that.

343
00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:04,107
Correction, one.

344
00:28:04,183 --> 00:28:05,435
Who's the other one?

345
00:28:05,601 --> 00:28:08,104
The one who created this
beautiful device, of course.

346
00:28:08,270 --> 00:28:11,774
But since he lives in the US,
I'm afraid you are fucked.

347
00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:13,613
Your mission is over,
cabrón.

348
00:28:14,276 --> 00:28:15,619
You have failed.

349
00:28:18,655 --> 00:28:20,328
Machete don't fail.

350
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:32,336
What you gonna do,
you gonna kill me?

351
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,721
That's a motherfucking
bomb, pendejo!

352
00:28:34,796 --> 00:28:35,763
I'm not gonna kill you.

353
00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:39,264
I'm gonna kill your men, steal your
choppers, get you over the wall.

354
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:40,515
Leave him to me!

355
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:43,013
And find the other one
that can disarm you.

356
00:28:44,806 --> 00:28:46,433
Shoot me!

357
00:28:53,815 --> 00:28:57,490
Let me take care
of him. Please.

358
00:29:21,051 --> 00:29:23,019
You won't
make it, amigo.

359
00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:24,851
Even if we get out
of here alive,

360
00:29:24,930 --> 00:29:27,228
my men are instructed
to put a bounty on my head.

361
00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:28,563
$10 million.

362
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,399
We won't survive a mile,
let alone the border.

363
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:33,321
And the best part is,

364
00:29:35,148 --> 00:29:38,869
the fail-safe on my ticker
here just went live.

365
00:29:39,695 --> 00:29:41,163
You have 24 hours,
my friend.

366
00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:47,582
$10 million! If the assassins
don't get us, the cartels will.

367
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,337
Hell, anyone with
a loaded weapon

368
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:51,336
and a bill to pay
will make a run at us.

369
00:29:51,498 --> 00:29:54,718
And, boy, it's a long way
to the wall.

370
00:30:39,629 --> 00:30:42,473
Yeah? What's the status?
Is he dead?

371
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:44,513
I have Mendez
in custody.

372
00:30:44,593 --> 00:30:46,641
In a chopper.
He's alive.

373
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:47,804
Wait a second.

374
00:30:52,309 --> 00:30:55,313
Machete, what's this I hear about
you having Mendez in custody?

375
00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:57,652
Things got complicated.
No shit!

376
00:30:57,814 --> 00:30:59,532
You were supposed to take him
out, not give him a joyride

377
00:30:59,608 --> 00:31:01,110
on the Good Ship Lollipop!

378
00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,495
Damn it, I didn't recruit you
for your sense of compassion.

379
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,655
Machete kills.

380
00:31:05,822 --> 00:31:08,450
That's what he does! He
doesn't save the bad guys!

381
00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,290
Now shoot that motherfucker!

382
00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:13,296
If he dies, you die. The
missile is wired to his heart.

383
00:31:13,455 --> 00:31:15,332
Come again?

384
00:31:15,499 --> 00:31:16,967
Machete, can it
be disarmed?

385
00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:18,669
Only where it was made.

386
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:21,505
VozTech.

387
00:31:21,671 --> 00:31:24,345
VozTech is the biggest weapons
supplier to our military!

388
00:31:24,424 --> 00:31:26,677
You want to bring him all the way
back to the fucking manufacturer?

389
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,762
I need your help
getting him across the border.

390
00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:31,223
This is part of something big.
I can feel it.

391
00:31:31,306 --> 00:31:32,432
Not happening.

392
00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:34,189
Last time I sent a black
op team into Mexico,

393
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:36,065
they got dead and I got
the Oval ass-fuck.

394
00:31:36,144 --> 00:31:37,487
You're on our own, Machete.

395
00:31:37,646 --> 00:31:39,944
We cannot help you until you're
out of Mexico. You hear me?

396
00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:41,991
Get the hell out of there
as fast as you can!

397
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:43,944
Machete, double-time it
to the border.

398
00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:45,579
I'll assist you as
much as possible,

399
00:31:45,654 --> 00:31:47,452
but you've got
to move your ass!

400
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:07,698
Oh, what happened?

401
00:33:11,031 --> 00:33:12,248
You don't remember?

402
00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:16,745
I have this condition,
I'm afraid.

403
00:33:16,912 --> 00:33:20,416
I seem to switch
personalities unexpectedly.

404
00:33:21,041 --> 00:33:22,839
You tried
to kill yourself.

405
00:33:22,918 --> 00:33:24,716
You strapped a bomb
to your chest.

406
00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:32,766
Then it seems events
are already in motion.

407
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:38,150
I am Marcos Mendez, leader of
the revolution. And you are?

408
00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,273
Machete.
Oh, Machete.

409
00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:41,444
I've heard of you.

410
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:42,897
People sing
songs about you...

411
00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:44,902
We've had this talk already.
Come on, get up.

412
00:33:46,733 --> 00:33:48,451
I didn't hurt anyone,
did I?

413
00:33:49,611 --> 00:33:51,409
You had Cereza killed.

414
00:33:56,743 --> 00:34:00,748
Then I'm a monster
and I must die.

415
00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:02,086
Let's go.

416
00:34:02,249 --> 00:34:04,377
I will lay down my life
for the cause.

417
00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:07,217
And if you choose to
remain in my company,

418
00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:10,139
I fear you will become
its casualty, as well.

419
00:34:10,924 --> 00:34:11,971
Come on.

420
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:58,434
Should've kept
up with your Spanish there, son.

421
00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:02,518
Sounds like we may be able to
string up this piñata after all.

422
00:35:02,601 --> 00:35:04,228
Let's get on it,
Clebourne.

423
00:35:04,311 --> 00:35:07,485
Sounds like bean-fried Pedros
are back in season.

424
00:35:07,564 --> 00:35:08,781
Come on!

425
00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:21,453
You wouldn't happen
to have a Popsicle

426
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:22,753
I could stick up
my ass, would you?

427
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:31,801
A martini. Extra dirty.
Two olives.

428
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,882
All we have is tequila
and Chango.

429
00:35:34,883 --> 00:35:35,930
Right.

430
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:39,309
For a moment there, I forgot I was
in a black hole of sophistication.

431
00:35:39,387 --> 00:35:40,434
Chango it is.

432
00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:45,644
Although, your limited
selection of Mexican beer

433
00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:46,728
is not what
brings me here.

434
00:35:46,811 --> 00:35:47,983
So what does?

435
00:35:48,063 --> 00:35:49,235
You do, Carlos.

436
00:35:56,363 --> 00:35:57,706
But it can't be.

437
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,324
They say you don't
have a face.

438
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:00,499
They say you don't exist.

439
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:03,749
I may not exist,
but this gun does.

440
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:05,459
You don't have
to do this!

441
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:08,792
You can tell whoever hired you
that I'll give back the money.

442
00:36:08,875 --> 00:36:10,000
This isn't about
the money, Carlos,

443
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:10,798
akumenang.com
This isn't about
the money, Carlos,

444
00:36:10,798 --> 00:36:10,877
akumenang.com

445
00:36:10,877 --> 00:36:12,299
and it isn't about
my employer.
akumenang.com

446
00:36:12,299 --> 00:36:12,379
akumenang.com

447
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,347
It's about ethics.
akumenang.com

448
00:36:14,347 --> 00:36:14,422
akumenang.com

449
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:17,221
Now if I don't shoot you
square in the face,
akumenang.com

450
00:36:17,221 --> 00:36:17,300
akumenang.com

451
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:19,553
I would be violating a contractual
obligation and, well...
akumenang.com

452
00:36:19,553 --> 00:36:19,636
akumenang.com

453
00:36:19,636 --> 00:36:21,684
Please.
Don't beg.
akumenang.com

454
00:36:21,684 --> 00:36:21,763
akumenang.com

455
00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:22,000
Emotional confrontations
make me very uncomfortable.
akumenang.com

456
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,607
Emotional confrontations
make me very uncomfortable.

457
00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,107
How much for
the Change?

458
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:29,270
50 cents.

459
00:36:29,437 --> 00:36:30,939
I'm gonna give you 75.

460
00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:33,408
Do you have change
for a dollar?

461
00:36:57,215 --> 00:36:58,762
I don't know
where the hell we are.

462
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:03,475
Excuse me.

463
00:37:05,390 --> 00:37:09,145
We're a little lost. Any chance
you could steer us to León?

464
00:37:09,894 --> 00:37:11,066
I could.

465
00:37:11,813 --> 00:37:16,319
The trouble is, you've seen my
face and I've just changed.

466
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:27,162
I'm truly sorry, ma'am.

467
00:37:28,163 --> 00:37:31,463
It's just a matter of time and
place not meeting in your favor.

468
00:37:35,503 --> 00:37:38,632
I am lost.
Can you help me with directions?

469
00:37:43,845 --> 00:37:46,348
Is there a bus
that goes nearby?

470
00:37:54,189 --> 00:37:55,532
"Maneater."

471
00:37:56,024 --> 00:37:59,494
That's what they used to call me
when I was just a little girl.

472
00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,952
I didn't know
what that meant,

473
00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:05,292
but that never
stopped my daddy

474
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,836
from coming into my bed
after a night of drinking.

475
00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:16,466
So, one night, I gave
him what he deserved.

476
00:38:17,879 --> 00:38:21,975
I chewed his balls off
with my teeth!

477
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:25,936
The next day,

478
00:38:26,012 --> 00:38:30,643
I went to school with pieces
of him still in my braces.

479
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:38,075
I became what he always
said I was, a maneater.

480
00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:44,865
I despise men.
I can't trust them.

481
00:38:45,031 --> 00:38:48,581
I think that
pussy clouds their minds.

482
00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:52,372
And now my little
Cereza lays dead

483
00:38:52,497 --> 00:38:55,501
because of that reason.

484
00:38:58,419 --> 00:39:01,218
And that's where
you come in.

485
00:39:02,924 --> 00:39:07,555
As random as a selection
as you might be,

486
00:39:08,263 --> 00:39:14,612
you're still a man, Papi,
and I am fucking famished!

487
00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:20,775
Madame?

488
00:39:21,276 --> 00:39:22,323
Yes?

489
00:39:22,402 --> 00:39:23,449
We've found them.

490
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:25,280
Mendez and Machete.

491
00:39:25,446 --> 00:39:26,914
Bring me my double-D's.

492
00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:28,745
Gather all the girls.

493
00:39:28,908 --> 00:39:31,878
We're going
to avenge my Cereza.

494
00:39:38,293 --> 00:39:41,263
Hey! You want Mendez?
Here I am!

495
00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:46,685
You read
my mind, Machete.

496
00:39:47,886 --> 00:39:51,390
Yup. yup. yup, this is the
perfect place for my last meal.

497
00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:59,319
Give me and my friend here a
plate of your finest cabrito.

498
00:40:00,189 --> 00:40:05,491
And bring some bread and wine,
too, please. Thank you.

499
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:34,183
See, Machete, you're the
only one who doesn't want me dead.

500
00:40:45,777 --> 00:40:47,620
Puta madre, Machete.

501
00:40:47,779 --> 00:40:49,827
What the hell are you
doing back in Mexico?

502
00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:51,832
Our federales brothers
were very upset

503
00:40:51,908 --> 00:40:54,206
that you abandoned us
in the heat of battle.

504
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:57,213
I heard you moved to the US and
cleaned rich people's pools, huh?

505
00:40:57,372 --> 00:40:58,794
Put the gun down.

506
00:40:58,873 --> 00:40:59,874
This man's a murderer.

507
00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:01,881
He killed 13 federales
in cold blood.

508
00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,387
13 crooked federales.

509
00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:06,719
Dirty lint in
Los Cuerpo's pocket.

510
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:08,724
How the fuck do
you know that, puto?

511
00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:10,226
I was undercover.

512
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:12,432
An agent?

513
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:14,062
There's no agents
in Mexico.

514
00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:18,728
You're looking at Mexico's first,
last, and only secret agent.

515
00:41:18,893 --> 00:41:20,315
Give me one
fucking good reason

516
00:41:20,395 --> 00:41:22,238
I shouldn't shoot him
like the dog that he is.

517
00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:24,900
If he dies, thousands in
Washington die with him.

518
00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:27,068
And if he lives?
How many more will die?

519
00:41:27,235 --> 00:41:28,657
And why help the US?

520
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,743
'Cause I'm the only one
who can.

521
00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:33,750
You were always
the sensitive one, Machete.

522
00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:38,497
Bloody hell!
It's a Mexican stand-off!

523
00:41:38,871 --> 00:41:39,963
I'm taking him in.

524
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,336
Oh, really? Where?

525
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:44,002
You will take me straight
to the cartels.

526
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:46,846
Machete.
This man is a dirty cop.

527
00:41:46,921 --> 00:41:49,344
Shut your fucking mouth!
Shut up, loco!

528
00:41:49,424 --> 00:41:51,267
You shouldn't have
said that, amigo.

529
00:41:52,176 --> 00:41:58,274
Because if you call me loco, then
I'm afraid loco is what you get!

530
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:10,696
Hello again, Machete.

531
00:42:10,778 --> 00:42:12,030
Say one more word!

532
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,573
Let's make a better
Mexico, Machete.

533
00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:15,704
All you have to do is pull
that fucking trigger. Come on.

534
00:42:18,286 --> 00:42:19,287
Come on!

535
00:42:26,627 --> 00:42:27,719
See, Machete?

536
00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,557
Justice and law aren't
always the same thing.

537
00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,236
What the fuck
is going on here?

538
00:42:45,354 --> 00:42:46,697
Where's my cabrito?

539
00:42:49,317 --> 00:42:50,318
Machete!

540
00:43:36,155 --> 00:43:37,532
Hola.

541
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:50,803
Ah, look at me,
top scores.

542
00:43:50,962 --> 00:43:53,465
Forgive my excitement, but I'm
just learning to speak Spanish.

543
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:57,135
Not by choice, but I can't get the,
uh, CD to change for the life of me.

544
00:43:57,301 --> 00:43:59,224
But fuck it.
When in Rome, right?

545
00:43:59,387 --> 00:44:02,812
Well, I'm trying to find a
place called Villa Guerrero.

546
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,642
Perhaps you've heard of it?
No sé, señor.

547
00:44:04,725 --> 00:44:07,478
You haven't heard of it, or "no sé,"
you don't understand the question?

548
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,735
Allow me to use
a more useful illustration.

549
00:44:14,735 --> 00:44:16,157
I'm really trying here.

550
00:44:16,571 --> 00:44:18,994
And if you say "no sé"
one more time,

551
00:44:19,073 --> 00:44:21,872
I'm gonna put a bullet in your
brain out of sheer frustration.

552
00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:26,585
Now then, Villa Guerrero?

553
00:44:32,420 --> 00:44:35,765
Your sense of direction doesn't
inspire confidence, señor

554
00:44:38,593 --> 00:44:40,345
Allow me to translate.

555
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:56,115
Damn. I was just starting
to get used to this face.

556
00:45:21,093 --> 00:45:22,094
Ooh.

557
00:45:29,477 --> 00:45:31,320
Muy bien, indeed.

558
00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:56,174
El doctor.

559
00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:01,263
Come quick.

560
00:46:04,512 --> 00:46:07,106
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm performing surgery.

561
00:46:09,850 --> 00:46:11,602
Put him in the bed there.

562
00:46:14,188 --> 00:46:16,031
Where are they?
Still inside.

563
00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:17,316
Okay, you two
take the rear.

564
00:46:37,211 --> 00:46:39,054
Machete!

565
00:46:39,380 --> 00:46:40,723
Come out and play!

566
00:46:41,716 --> 00:46:43,309
It's time
we had another fling!

567
00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:46,221
And bring that
baby-killer Mendez!

568
00:47:01,736 --> 00:47:03,659
Pucker up, lover boy.

569
00:47:04,572 --> 00:47:05,619
Suck on this!

570
00:47:25,426 --> 00:47:27,428
Ugh, that's disgusting!

571
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,986
So I'm still alive.

572
00:47:43,736 --> 00:47:45,989
Good for you, Machete.
Good for you.

573
00:47:46,238 --> 00:47:48,332
This is the crazy
you talking?

574
00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:52,958
I can't continue to
live my life like this.

575
00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:54,914
You used to be cartel.

576
00:47:55,915 --> 00:47:58,259
And then you became
a revolutionary.

577
00:47:59,251 --> 00:48:02,175
Why?
I was never cartel.

578
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:06,596
I was a secret agent
for the Mexican government.

579
00:48:07,593 --> 00:48:11,268
My mission was
to infiltrate Los Cuerpos.

580
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,603
I had to see things.

581
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,523
I had to do things.

582
00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:21,282
I had to watch people die in
ways that no man ever imagined.

583
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:25,950
Compromising everything I
believed, I became one of them.

584
00:48:27,363 --> 00:48:29,081
I remember calling
my supervisor,

585
00:48:29,156 --> 00:48:31,705
telling him that
I wanted out,

586
00:48:31,784 --> 00:48:33,502
that I wanted
my life back.

587
00:48:34,954 --> 00:48:37,127
What I didn't know,
he was dirty.

588
00:48:38,124 --> 00:48:40,297
He had been bought
by the cartels.

589
00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:43,964
They took me to
the killing room

590
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:46,469
where my wife
and daughter were waiting.

591
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:49,222
And they made me watch

592
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:55,900
as they beat them,
tortured them.

593
00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,061
And then it happened.

594
00:48:59,979 --> 00:49:02,573
The Madman took over
for the first time.

595
00:49:02,898 --> 00:49:07,825
My wife and baby girl died because I
trusted a system that did not exist.

596
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,790
I realized that if I was
ever going to change Mexico,

597
00:49:12,700 --> 00:49:14,543
I must do it myself.

598
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:16,337
I started my own revolution

599
00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:20,883
against every single rotten motherfucker
responsible for this violence.

600
00:49:21,584 --> 00:49:23,586
I will die to see it through.

601
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:28,181
The real tragedy
in it all is that

602
00:49:28,257 --> 00:49:30,851
people will never know
the truth about me.

603
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:35,105
How about you? Does anybody
know the real Machete?

604
00:49:35,598 --> 00:49:38,568
Where's your partner?
Every cop has a partner.

605
00:49:38,893 --> 00:49:40,691
You couldn't keep
them alive, could you?

606
00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:42,563
Think about it.
How old are you?

607
00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:46,609
In your line of work, why
have you lived so long?

608
00:49:47,651 --> 00:49:50,746
Your partners knew about
self-sacrifice for the greater good.

609
00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:52,490
Not you, though.

610
00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:54,495
You know what
you are?

611
00:49:54,825 --> 00:49:55,997
Vengeance.

612
00:49:57,328 --> 00:49:59,080
You are vengeance.

613
00:49:59,330 --> 00:50:01,332
And vengeance never dies.

614
00:50:02,333 --> 00:50:04,176
It only changes targets.

615
00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:10,137
Blessing in disguise,
chacho.

616
00:50:10,299 --> 00:50:12,848
You'd never make it past the
wall in this piece of shit.

617
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:15,513
You need a stronger vehicle,
an armored vehicle,

618
00:50:15,596 --> 00:50:17,439
and I know where
we can get one.

619
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,767
Small town near
the border.

620
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:21,527
There's a chop-shop there.

621
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:26,489
Satellite feed coming online.

622
00:50:27,191 --> 00:50:29,910
Once he crosses the
border, we can move in.

623
00:50:42,289 --> 00:50:44,383
Come on. Come on,
come on, come on.

624
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:48,429
Come on, you want to get
across that wall or what?

625
00:50:48,504 --> 00:50:49,630
This is cartel turf.

626
00:50:49,672 --> 00:50:52,050
You led us right to 'em, you
crazy son of a bitch! Shh.

627
00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:54,476
No, no, no, no.
Be quiet.

628
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:56,895
They're all around us.

629
00:50:57,972 --> 00:50:59,394
Waiting.

630
00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:02,643
Lurking.

631
00:51:11,569 --> 00:51:12,821
We're looking for a ride.

632
00:51:12,987 --> 00:51:16,332
Well, this ain't Enterprise
fucking Rent-A-Car.

633
00:51:17,658 --> 00:51:19,501
These are custom orders.

634
00:51:19,660 --> 00:51:21,458
I would do as
he says, Grasa.

635
00:51:21,620 --> 00:51:24,294
Well, look at this.

636
00:51:24,456 --> 00:51:28,586
Marcos Mendez
in the flesh.

637
00:51:28,752 --> 00:51:29,753
This will do.

638
00:51:29,837 --> 00:51:31,180
No shit it'll do.

639
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,012
That baby's my
fucking masterpiece.

640
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:37,136
Could take her through a
minefield without a flat tire.

641
00:51:47,521 --> 00:51:48,693
Cartel!

642
00:51:51,817 --> 00:51:52,864
Easy, hombre.

643
00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:56,701
You wouldn't shoot a man in
a wheelchair, would you?

644
00:51:58,198 --> 00:51:59,324
No.

645
00:52:14,715 --> 00:52:16,558
I'm jealous.

646
00:52:45,204 --> 00:52:46,831
Go, Machete, go!

647
00:52:54,755 --> 00:52:56,883
Hola, motherfucker.

648
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:07,184
Let's go to the nude beach.

649
00:53:30,249 --> 00:53:31,922
Hey there, lover boy!

650
00:53:37,464 --> 00:53:38,807
Ladies, give them hell.

651
00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:40,684
Save lover boy
for Mama.

652
00:53:40,759 --> 00:53:42,602
I have a special package
for him.

653
00:53:42,803 --> 00:53:44,976
Killjoy, give me
my strap-on!

654
00:53:57,651 --> 00:53:58,994
Grab the wheel.

655
00:54:04,992 --> 00:54:06,335
Get out!

656
00:54:22,134 --> 00:54:23,852
Fuck!
You're dead.

657
00:55:08,555 --> 00:55:11,900
Fuck, Machete!
You're crazier than I am!

658
00:55:12,351 --> 00:55:15,070
Crazy like
a gypsy fuck, man!

659
00:55:15,687 --> 00:55:17,155
Oh, what you gonna do?

660
00:55:17,231 --> 00:55:19,074
Drive through it? It's solid concrete.

661
00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:21,568
Machete, what the hell
are you doing?

662
00:55:21,735 --> 00:55:23,829
Even Jesus couldn't get
through that damn wall!

663
00:55:23,904 --> 00:55:25,702
Do you know another way?
There is no other way!

664
00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:28,708
That's why they call
it a wall, God damn it!

665
00:55:29,243 --> 00:55:30,665
I know a way.

666
00:55:30,828 --> 00:55:33,047
See that graffiti tag
on the wall?

667
00:55:33,580 --> 00:55:35,048
Drive straight for it.

668
00:55:35,207 --> 00:55:38,427
An inch to either side and they'll
be scraping us off the cement.

669
00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:39,757
Which Mendez are you?

670
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:42,548
The one who wants to help
you get across the border.

671
00:55:42,631 --> 00:55:43,928
Hit it!

672
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:54,272
We built the tunnels
when they built the wall.

673
00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:17,632
You made it!

674
00:56:19,126 --> 00:56:21,925
Well, sweet Jezebel!

675
00:56:22,254 --> 00:56:25,178
I think we just hit us
a stroke of beaner's luck

676
00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:26,930
running into
you again, Taco.

677
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:28,890
You know, you and your
compadre are going for about

678
00:56:28,969 --> 00:56:31,097
10 million buckaroos
a head.

679
00:56:31,263 --> 00:56:33,391
I was never straight A's
in algebra,

680
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:37,819
but that is a shit-fire-fuck-me-hallelujah
lot of money.

681
00:56:38,312 --> 00:56:41,282
I figure we oughta take advantage
of your lucrative predicament

682
00:56:41,815 --> 00:56:43,613
and get us up to squares.

683
00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,823
No distractions this time,
right, Clebourne?

684
00:56:45,986 --> 00:56:47,238
That's right, Sheriff.

685
00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:48,447
All right then.

686
00:56:49,281 --> 00:56:50,908
Sayonara, Taco.

687
00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:12,304
Special Agent Mendez.

688
00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:14,515
How many of you
are there?

689
00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:16,475
Sorry, that's classified.

690
00:57:19,478 --> 00:57:20,821
What the hell is that?

691
00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:25,693
My welcome party.

692
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:33,455
You didn't think
it would all be over

693
00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:35,331
once we crossed
the border, did you?

694
00:57:35,702 --> 00:57:38,296
Who do you think gave me that
missile in the first place?

695
00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:43,506
There is a grand
conductor behind all this.

696
00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:49,220
Zaror! You're alive!

697
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:33,222
Why re-elect
President Rathcock?

698
00:58:33,385 --> 00:58:36,104
He dished out $6 million
of taxpayer money

699
00:58:36,263 --> 00:58:39,267
to space technology companies
like VozTech Industries.

700
00:58:39,433 --> 00:58:42,903
He built a wall protecting us
from the threat of illegals.

701
00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:47,567
He took a stand and defended our
second amendment with a vengeance.

702
00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:50,945
And to boost our national
economy to an all-time high,

703
00:58:51,111 --> 00:58:54,081
he made marijuana
legal in 48 states.

704
00:58:54,239 --> 00:58:57,459
My fellow Americans, it's
been a groovy four years.

705
00:58:57,617 --> 00:58:59,790
But there is still so
much left to accomplish.

706
00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:02,456
For me, winning was
only the beginning.

707
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:04,124
Re-elect Rathcock.

708
00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:07,636
A name you like,
a face you can trust.

709
00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:27,272
Don't worry,
Mr. Cortez.

710
00:59:27,814 --> 00:59:29,987
You haven't failed
your mission yet.

711
00:59:34,321 --> 00:59:35,493
Where am I?

712
00:59:35,655 --> 00:59:38,534
Recuperating in my sumptuous
healing pool right now.

713
00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:39,869
Do you like it?

714
00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:40,918
And as you can see,

715
00:59:40,994 --> 00:59:45,841
our friend Marcos Mendez is still
very much alive and ticking.

716
00:59:47,459 --> 00:59:50,963
Which makes him
still very much a threat.

717
00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:52,972
It needs to be disarmed.

718
00:59:53,340 --> 00:59:55,013
You don't know what
you're dealing with.

719
00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:56,677
Well, actually, I do.

720
00:59:57,135 --> 00:59:58,478
I invented it.

721
00:59:58,970 --> 01:00:00,688
Allow me to
introduce myself.

722
01:00:01,139 --> 01:00:04,268
My name is Luthor Voz.

723
01:00:04,434 --> 01:00:07,278
Let me admit, I've been following
your career for quite some time now.

724
01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:09,860
I am a tremendous fan
of your work, Mr. Cortez.

725
01:00:10,023 --> 01:00:12,651
As an aficionado of
the arts of war myself,

726
01:00:12,818 --> 01:00:15,037
I just gotta say that you
are one genuine article,

727
01:00:15,195 --> 01:00:17,994
Genghis Khan, high caliber,
fucker-people-upper.

728
01:00:18,698 --> 01:00:21,451
You're a warrior,
Mr. Cortez. A killer.

729
01:00:21,868 --> 01:00:24,542
A survivor. Like me.

730
01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,041
Just try to relax.

731
01:00:27,207 --> 01:00:30,711
I mean, if I wanted you dead,
you'd be fucking dead.

732
01:00:31,002 --> 01:00:32,675
Are you gonna
disarm it or not?

733
01:00:33,171 --> 01:00:34,718
I'm leaning towards not.

734
01:00:35,674 --> 01:00:38,348
But that all very much
depends on you, Mr. Cortez.

735
01:00:39,845 --> 01:00:41,847
You sold Mendez
the missile.

736
01:00:42,556 --> 01:00:45,184
No. I gave it to him.

737
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:48,194
But then, I've given a lot of bad
things to a lot of bad people,

738
01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:50,230
but that does not
make me one of them.

739
01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,858
Get dressed, Mr. Cortez.

740
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:56,035
Allow me to try
and convince you.

741
01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:00,248
I'll turn my back.

742
01:01:05,245 --> 01:01:07,498
Welcome to VozTech,

743
01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:12,886
the world's premier space technology
and weapons manufacturer.

744
01:01:13,044 --> 01:01:15,968
You know, Time Magazine
once called me

745
01:01:16,047 --> 01:01:18,891
a merchant of death
with an assembly line.

746
01:01:19,050 --> 01:01:22,554
But one very special day,
I began to think bigger.

747
01:01:23,054 --> 01:01:28,402
And now I've turned science
fiction into science reality.

748
01:01:28,935 --> 01:01:33,406
And this, this is where
we conduct our training exercises.

749
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:35,693
For what?
Our exodus.

750
01:01:35,859 --> 01:01:37,361
When NASA asked
me to build them

751
01:01:37,444 --> 01:01:39,617
a new state-of-the-art
luxury spacestation,

752
01:01:39,779 --> 01:01:42,282
I luxuriously told
them to fuck themselves.

753
01:01:42,449 --> 01:01:45,123
Why, you ask? Well, because I'd
already built one of my own.

754
01:01:45,285 --> 01:01:47,754
It's up there right now, just
floating the fuck around,

755
01:01:47,913 --> 01:01:49,881
waiting for me and my
people to inhabit it.

756
01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:51,917
In fact, Mr. Cortez...
Machete.

757
01:01:52,083 --> 01:01:53,551
Incidentally, Mr. Machete,

758
01:01:53,627 --> 01:01:56,426
I plan on moving into my new
space pad very, very soon.

759
01:01:56,504 --> 01:01:58,927
I'm very excited.
Here, have a heart.

760
01:01:59,007 --> 01:02:00,133
What about the heart?

761
01:02:00,217 --> 01:02:02,561
Well, that's why
I'm relocating.

762
01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:03,928
Climb aboard.

763
01:02:05,138 --> 01:02:07,311
Yes, I'm a Star Wars fan.

764
01:02:08,099 --> 01:02:10,943
Tanks, missiles,
bread and butter.

765
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:13,238
It's the simple
things that fund

766
01:02:13,313 --> 01:02:15,657
my more out-of-this-world
enterprises.

767
01:02:15,815 --> 01:02:17,567
Why Mendez?
Why?

768
01:02:17,651 --> 01:02:19,904
Well, bin Laden is dead

769
01:02:19,986 --> 01:02:22,705
and America has always
needed its boogeyman,

770
01:02:22,781 --> 01:02:24,499
so I created a new one.

771
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:29,667
Yes, I supplied Señor Mendez
with the fireworks.

772
01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,628
But given Mendez's
aptitude for the unpredictable,

773
01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:35,336
I left one of my men
behind to keep me abreast

774
01:02:35,418 --> 01:02:37,420
of his process
or lack thereof.

775
01:02:37,629 --> 01:02:39,006
What's your plan
have to do with me?

776
01:02:39,297 --> 01:02:41,675
I have high hopes
for you, Mr. Machete.

777
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:43,969
Higher than you could
mentally ascend to.

778
01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:50,483
A spaceship?

779
01:02:50,642 --> 01:02:53,987
Technically speaking,
space shuttle.

780
01:02:54,062 --> 01:02:55,689
Not to mention,
my legacy.

781
01:02:56,022 --> 01:02:58,150
It all started about
six years ago.

782
01:02:58,316 --> 01:03:02,116
I privately funded a suborbital launch.
Went up myself.

783
01:03:02,862 --> 01:03:05,832
Yeah, I was something of a
thrill-seeker back then.

784
01:03:06,157 --> 01:03:08,501
Before what I like to
call "the incident."

785
01:03:09,494 --> 01:03:13,499
I was up amongst the stars and
something inexplicable happened to me.

786
01:03:13,665 --> 01:03:14,882
I saw the future.

787
01:03:15,041 --> 01:03:16,714
I saw the world ending.

788
01:03:17,168 --> 01:03:19,717
It unfolded right before
my very eyes.

789
01:03:22,173 --> 01:03:24,016
And that's why
I built this.

790
01:03:24,384 --> 01:03:28,560
Aboard it, me and anyone who wants
to join me will take flight.

791
01:03:28,847 --> 01:03:31,942
And when kingdom comes,
as it surely will,

792
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:34,270
we'll be safe
amongst the stars.

793
01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:37,238
Noah had his ark,
I got mine.

794
01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:39,448
You really believe that?

795
01:03:40,233 --> 01:03:41,860
I believe what I see.

796
01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:46,073
And luckily for you, sir,
I saw you up there with me.

797
01:03:47,032 --> 01:03:49,080
I see glimpses
of what lies ahead.

798
01:03:49,242 --> 01:03:52,212
It's a condition I was left
with after the incident.

799
01:03:54,205 --> 01:03:57,004
Speaking of which, I'd take a
step or two back if I were you.

800
01:04:00,420 --> 01:04:04,050
You ever had déja vu?
Lasts a couple of seconds, right?

801
01:04:04,215 --> 01:04:07,219
With me,
it's been two years.

802
01:04:08,678 --> 01:04:10,726
You don't believe
me now, but you will.

803
01:04:11,056 --> 01:04:13,809
Now if I couldn't
see into the future,

804
01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:16,270
then how could I have
made all these?

805
01:04:16,436 --> 01:04:20,612
Mr. Machete, I present to
you the arms of tomorrow.

806
01:04:20,774 --> 01:04:22,071
Pick your fancy.

807
01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:33,127
And you pick the only one
in the place that's faulty.

808
01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:37,417
I'm sorry, but my molecule
blaster doesn't quite work yet.

809
01:04:37,582 --> 01:04:39,584
It keeps turning
shit inside-out.

810
01:04:40,794 --> 01:04:43,092
Perhaps this is more
your speed anyway.

811
01:04:43,254 --> 01:04:45,302
Primitive, lightweight.

812
01:04:46,257 --> 01:04:48,305
Retro, yet high-tech.

813
01:04:49,094 --> 01:04:50,311
Demonstration?

814
01:04:57,102 --> 01:04:58,194
Like it?

815
01:04:58,269 --> 01:04:59,486
Yes.

816
01:04:59,646 --> 01:05:00,647
It's yours.

817
01:05:00,939 --> 01:05:04,284
And now, Mr. Machete, if I
could just cut to the rub.

818
01:05:05,110 --> 01:05:07,158
I'd like to recruit you.

819
01:05:07,237 --> 01:05:08,580
You already have
enough men.

820
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:10,160
No, but not the best
by any means.

821
01:05:10,323 --> 01:05:13,623
How can they be when you so
dominantly claim that title yourself?

822
01:05:14,077 --> 01:05:15,454
Demonstration.

823
01:05:15,995 --> 01:05:17,167
Good luck.

824
01:05:54,033 --> 01:05:56,707
Encore.
Encore.

825
01:05:58,455 --> 01:06:00,173
Or three?

826
01:06:03,334 --> 01:06:06,053
Genetically engineered
super soldiers, you see.

827
01:06:06,379 --> 01:06:07,551
Clones.

828
01:06:13,386 --> 01:06:14,558
Have at 'em.

829
01:06:48,421 --> 01:06:50,389
Just as I predicted.

830
01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:53,055
No match for
the likes of you.

831
01:06:59,390 --> 01:07:03,611
I created my clones because where I'm
going, I'm going to need an army.

832
01:07:04,145 --> 01:07:06,864
And that poor dead bastard
you met in Mexico, Zaror,

833
01:07:06,940 --> 01:07:08,192
he was my prototype.

834
01:07:08,525 --> 01:07:12,120
But since you fucked him up like a
Special Ed science fair project,

835
01:07:13,071 --> 01:07:14,823
I'm left to regret
my choice.

836
01:07:15,657 --> 01:07:17,409
You still haven't
told me why I'm here.

837
01:07:17,575 --> 01:07:20,704
I need a stronger specimen from
which to draw a new batch of clones

838
01:07:20,787 --> 01:07:23,336
and I was hoping that you
would do me that honor, sir.

839
01:07:24,916 --> 01:07:26,759
There is only one Machete.

840
01:07:26,960 --> 01:07:28,462
But what if
there were more?

841
01:07:29,087 --> 01:07:32,057
What if there was an army
of enhanced Machetes?

842
01:07:32,131 --> 01:07:34,429
Machete, Machete.
Everywhere Machete!

843
01:07:35,093 --> 01:07:38,597
You and I together, we'd be a
force to be reckoned with.

844
01:07:45,687 --> 01:07:47,940
I'm sorry.
I may have overreacted,

845
01:07:48,106 --> 01:07:52,657
but that numbnuts was about to spill
a bottle of 1787 Chateau Lafite.

846
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:54,287
No more games.

847
01:07:56,114 --> 01:07:57,115
Disarm it.

848
01:07:57,282 --> 01:07:58,454
Join me.

849
01:07:58,616 --> 01:08:00,960
Surely you know by now that I
know how all this turns out.

850
01:08:01,119 --> 01:08:02,871
Then you know
I'm taking this.

851
01:08:03,037 --> 01:08:05,005
Oh, and where will you go?

852
01:08:05,081 --> 01:08:06,799
You know I'm the only
one that can disarm it.

853
01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:09,715
I'll find someone else.

854
01:08:09,961 --> 01:08:11,304
Oh, good luck with that.

855
01:08:11,462 --> 01:08:13,556
But I think there's one more
little thing you should know.

856
01:08:14,299 --> 01:08:16,722
Mendez wasn't
my only boogeyman.

857
01:08:17,302 --> 01:08:20,647
North Korea, Russia,
I have a Mendez everywhere.

858
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:24,317
And in a matter of hours,
they'll launch on one another,

859
01:08:24,475 --> 01:08:28,355
throwing the world into gargantuan,
unrecoverable anarchy.

860
01:08:28,730 --> 01:08:29,947
Too many syllables?

861
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,323
The world is fucked.

862
01:08:31,399 --> 01:08:32,571
Why?

863
01:08:32,734 --> 01:08:36,329
This world must end in order for
a more perfect one to emerge.

864
01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:39,491
And like it or not, Mr. Machete,
you're coming with me.

865
01:09:04,974 --> 01:09:07,068
Goddamn, you're good!

866
01:09:08,394 --> 01:09:09,395
Get that bastard!

867
01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:12,904
Try not to get too many of yourselves
killed in the process!

868
01:09:52,647 --> 01:09:56,072
My molecule blaster
doesn't quite work right yet.

869
01:09:57,318 --> 01:09:59,491
It keeps turning
shit inside-out.

870
01:10:10,000 --> 01:10:22,000
akumenang.com

871
01:11:36,501 --> 01:11:38,003
What took you so long?

872
01:11:38,169 --> 01:11:39,921
You're luck I came at all.

873
01:11:49,347 --> 01:11:51,896
Oh, we'll meet again,
Mr. Machete.

874
01:11:53,601 --> 01:11:55,023
I've seen it.

875
01:11:57,605 --> 01:12:00,700
Been tracking you since your
bounty hit the airwaves.

876
01:12:00,858 --> 01:12:03,236
Quite a shit-storm you
stirred up down south.

877
01:12:03,402 --> 01:12:06,872
I thought I'd tap in. Couldn't
let you have all the fun.

878
01:12:07,865 --> 01:12:10,459
Hey. I'm sorry
about Sartana.

879
01:12:11,118 --> 01:12:12,290
We all are.

880
01:12:13,037 --> 01:12:15,131
She was one
of the good ones.

881
01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:19,340
As you can see, the
Network's gone full scale.

882
01:12:20,378 --> 01:12:21,925
We're new and improved.

883
01:12:22,004 --> 01:12:25,884
Over 500,000 extractions
and counting.

884
01:12:26,133 --> 01:12:30,855
When they put up the wall, we had
to up our game, find funding.

885
01:12:31,806 --> 01:12:36,152
Now, our reach extends all
the way to San Cristóbal.

886
01:12:37,562 --> 01:12:38,779
The rules are the same.

887
01:12:38,938 --> 01:12:40,736
You get in,
you gotta earn it.

888
01:12:40,898 --> 01:12:43,617
We monitor our members to make
sure they're doing their part.

889
01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:47,576
If they're not, I'll deport
their asses myself.

890
01:12:51,659 --> 01:12:53,252
Missing?
All of them?

891
01:12:53,494 --> 01:12:55,747
MIA. Every last
one of them.

892
01:12:55,913 --> 01:12:58,382
One minute they're tearing
ass for the border,

893
01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:01,552
the next,
they're vanished.

894
01:13:01,711 --> 01:13:03,463
Disappeared without
a trace.

895
01:13:03,754 --> 01:13:07,099
It's like aliens abducted
by goddamn aliens.

896
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,469
You gotta check this out.

897
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:11,854
This is the surveillance
footage we got.

898
01:13:16,100 --> 01:13:18,944
We think the same douchebag
that took you took them.

899
01:13:19,103 --> 01:13:21,606
Seems like he's building
some sort of secret weapon,

900
01:13:21,772 --> 01:13:24,116
possibly needs the Mexican
labor to finish it.

901
01:13:24,275 --> 01:13:25,447
It's in space.

902
01:13:26,110 --> 01:13:28,204
He wants to get there before
the missiles take off.

903
01:13:28,362 --> 01:13:31,036
What missiles? What the
fuck are you talking about?

904
01:13:31,574 --> 01:13:34,293
Launch trigger is wired
to a biological clock.

905
01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:36,546
We need to find someone
to disarm it.

906
01:13:36,621 --> 01:13:38,089
You got anybody
in the Network?

907
01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:42,252
Yeah. But you
don't like him.

908
01:13:53,220 --> 01:13:54,722
Osiris.

909
01:14:03,522 --> 01:14:05,195
Come on, Machete,
he's with us.

910
01:14:05,274 --> 01:14:06,696
He's not with me.

911
01:14:06,859 --> 01:14:08,532
He's our only bomb guy.

912
01:14:08,694 --> 01:14:10,662
You wanna choke
him out, go ahead.

913
01:14:10,821 --> 01:14:12,664
I hear it's always
the blue wire.

914
01:14:15,660 --> 01:14:17,162
What's he doing here?

915
01:14:17,495 --> 01:14:19,497
He came to me about
six months ago.

916
01:14:19,664 --> 01:14:21,416
Said he'd changed his tune.

917
01:14:21,582 --> 01:14:23,425
Cabrones ain't got no tune.

918
01:14:23,584 --> 01:14:27,214
I know that you would prefer
to see me all sorts of dead,

919
01:14:27,505 --> 01:14:30,930
but God has already cursed
me for what I did to Padre.

920
01:14:31,717 --> 01:14:33,094
That's why I'm here.

921
01:14:34,011 --> 01:14:35,854
To finish your brother's work.

922
01:14:36,347 --> 01:14:38,941
My only redemption
is in righting that wrong.

923
01:14:39,266 --> 01:14:43,863
So, please, give me mercy and I
swear I will make it up to you.

924
01:14:44,355 --> 01:14:45,857
Or die trying.

925
01:14:46,607 --> 01:14:48,609
I'd have it no other way.

926
01:14:50,111 --> 01:14:51,863
This is your bomb guy?

927
01:14:51,946 --> 01:14:53,869
You can try
the Yellow Pages.

928
01:14:56,701 --> 01:14:58,294
I gotta make a call.

929
01:14:58,953 --> 01:15:00,626
You'd better be somewhere
with shit reception,

930
01:15:00,705 --> 01:15:02,548
because I've been trying
to reach you all damn day.

931
01:15:02,790 --> 01:15:04,633
Where's Mendez?
Dead.

932
01:15:04,792 --> 01:15:06,544
But his heart still beats.

933
01:15:06,711 --> 01:15:08,008
You're joking, right?

934
01:15:08,087 --> 01:15:09,885
Machete don't joke.

935
01:15:10,214 --> 01:15:11,306
Humor me.

936
01:15:11,549 --> 01:15:12,801
Who's got the heart?

937
01:15:12,967 --> 01:15:16,722
Voz. He's bad news. Been using
Mendez to do all his dirty work.

938
01:15:16,887 --> 01:15:18,810
Machete, I'm gonna stop
you right there, okay?

939
01:15:18,973 --> 01:15:22,227
Luthor Voz may have his hand in a
lot of pockets, but he's harmless.

940
01:15:22,393 --> 01:15:24,771
He sponsors my damn
pageant, for Christ's sake.

941
01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:26,071
You need to alert
the President.

942
01:15:26,147 --> 01:15:27,694
Just calm down.

943
01:15:27,857 --> 01:15:30,610
Tell me your location and we'll
talk about this in person.

944
01:15:31,152 --> 01:15:33,405
Better meet somewhere else.
Have it your way.

945
01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:36,575
I'm gonna text you a rendezvous point
after my swimsuit competition.

946
01:15:43,080 --> 01:15:44,582
Who's the bitch?

947
01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:45,837
Handler.

948
01:15:50,671 --> 01:15:51,718
You fuck her?

949
01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:56,218
Yeah, you did.

950
01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:57,974
What, you got a problem?

951
01:15:58,137 --> 01:15:59,684
Yeah, I got a problem.

952
01:16:00,014 --> 01:16:02,984
When you smell like pussy, it
means you're pussy-whipped.

953
01:16:03,142 --> 01:16:05,736
And when you're pussy-whipped,
your judgment's cloudy.

954
01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:07,863
Just jealous.

955
01:16:09,356 --> 01:16:11,108
Is that her?

956
01:16:12,109 --> 01:16:14,111
I thought Machete
don't text.

957
01:16:15,654 --> 01:16:18,328
Machete loves everybody.

958
01:16:20,201 --> 01:16:21,703
Man, screw this.

959
01:16:23,454 --> 01:16:24,671
Where you going?

960
01:16:24,747 --> 01:16:25,964
With you.

961
01:16:26,290 --> 01:16:31,296
It takes a bitch to make a
bitch and I smell fish taco.

962
01:16:31,670 --> 01:16:33,468
Tito, Osiris.

963
01:16:35,257 --> 01:16:37,259
Taco time.

964
01:17:00,908 --> 01:17:03,286
What do you know?
I won.

965
01:17:03,661 --> 01:17:04,913
Congratulations.

966
01:17:04,995 --> 01:17:06,497
It's exciting, right?

967
01:17:06,831 --> 01:17:08,833
You're looking at
the new Miss Texas.

968
01:17:08,999 --> 01:17:10,000
Who are they?

969
01:17:10,167 --> 01:17:13,171
Listen, cariño, I would love
to stay and chit-chat with you,

970
01:17:13,337 --> 01:17:15,431
but not while there's a live
missile inside state lines.

971
01:17:15,589 --> 01:17:16,806
So would you please,
pretty please,

972
01:17:16,882 --> 01:17:19,010
get into the car and debrief
me on your mission?

973
01:17:19,176 --> 01:17:22,180
If that's even what you'd like to
call your blood-splattered fiasco.

974
01:17:22,346 --> 01:17:23,939
How'd you know?
Know what?

975
01:17:24,098 --> 01:17:26,100
The missile.
That it was here.

976
01:17:28,686 --> 01:17:30,029
Look at you.

977
01:17:31,355 --> 01:17:33,574
Smarter than
the average Mexican.

978
01:17:33,732 --> 01:17:35,200
You work for Voz.

979
01:17:35,609 --> 01:17:39,113
I promised to turn you over to Voz
and Voz promised me the crown.

980
01:17:39,280 --> 01:17:42,955
See, I can't really
sing or twirl a baton,

981
01:17:44,702 --> 01:17:45,954
but I can win.

982
01:17:48,414 --> 01:17:49,540
Oh.

983
01:17:49,623 --> 01:17:51,466
Papi, I'm sorry.

984
01:17:52,042 --> 01:17:54,966
You and I really could
have had something,

985
01:17:55,045 --> 01:17:57,924
but I just love killing
a good romance.

986
01:18:00,050 --> 01:18:01,222
Make it count.

987
01:18:27,036 --> 01:18:29,755
I knew I smelled bitch
in the air tonight.

988
01:18:29,914 --> 01:18:32,542
Payback's the only bitch
you need to worry about.

989
01:18:32,708 --> 01:18:35,757
This dress costs more
than your fucking life!

990
01:18:37,421 --> 01:18:41,096
Didn't anybody ever tell you not
to wear a dress to a gunfight?

991
01:18:42,843 --> 01:18:45,517
Oh, baby, I always
dress to the nines.

992
01:18:47,431 --> 01:18:49,183
I dress to kill.

993
01:18:51,852 --> 01:18:53,354
Wait, no, wait!
No, wait!

994
01:19:07,701 --> 01:19:09,374
Where's Tito?
He's down.

995
01:19:21,590 --> 01:19:22,807
Go, I got this.

996
01:19:27,554 --> 01:19:28,897
How many do we got?

997
01:19:40,651 --> 01:19:41,652
Fuck!

998
01:19:48,701 --> 01:19:49,998
He's on the roof!

999
01:19:50,160 --> 01:19:51,503
Yeah, no shit
he's on the roof!

1000
01:19:51,662 --> 01:19:55,132
Will one of you please get
him off the roof... Shit!

1001
01:19:56,875 --> 01:19:57,967
For crying out loud,

1002
01:19:58,043 --> 01:19:59,886
will one of you well-paid,
well-trained

1003
01:19:59,962 --> 01:20:02,056
gentlemen please shoot
that motherfucker?

1004
01:20:04,425 --> 01:20:05,551
Thank you!

1005
01:20:26,363 --> 01:20:27,706
This is the President.

1006
01:20:27,865 --> 01:20:29,742
Mr. President,
it's Miss San Antonio.

1007
01:20:29,825 --> 01:20:32,203
Machete never showed
up to the rendezvous.

1008
01:20:32,619 --> 01:20:34,462
I just hope
that he's still alive.

1009
01:20:39,960 --> 01:20:41,962
It doesn't matter.
It's not worth it. Let's go.

1010
01:20:42,046 --> 01:20:44,140
Aren't you the one that
taught me that the law and justice

1011
01:20:44,214 --> 01:20:45,761
aren't always the same thing?

1012
01:20:46,633 --> 01:20:48,010
We gotta stop 'em.

1013
01:22:14,471 --> 01:22:15,643
Fuck it.

1014
01:22:17,141 --> 01:22:18,518
Who am I kidding?

1015
01:22:24,398 --> 01:22:27,948
I really must hand
it to you, mi amigo.

1016
01:22:28,485 --> 01:22:30,988
You are a difficult man
to catch up with.

1017
01:22:31,363 --> 01:22:33,786
You have no idea what I
went through to get here.

1018
01:22:33,949 --> 01:22:36,998
Hours, I spent stranded
on that desert highway

1019
01:22:37,161 --> 01:22:39,414
until this holy rolling
rig came along.

1020
01:22:47,171 --> 01:22:50,175
Lady. Please. Help me.

1021
01:22:50,340 --> 01:22:53,810
You and all your drug-pushing
compadres just derailed my pursuit,

1022
01:22:53,886 --> 01:22:58,016
so frankly, I'm leaning in
another direction entirely.

1023
01:22:58,098 --> 01:22:59,315
Give me mercy.

1024
01:22:59,475 --> 01:23:01,819
There's about three things
I'd rather give you

1025
01:23:01,894 --> 01:23:04,147
and they're all in the
chamber of this gun.

1026
01:23:06,064 --> 01:23:07,532
Straight up?

1027
01:23:07,691 --> 01:23:09,238
Or with some flair?

1028
01:23:10,569 --> 01:23:11,946
Straight up?

1029
01:23:12,196 --> 01:23:13,948
Or flair?

1030
01:23:14,448 --> 01:23:17,042
Whatever is the more
interesting way to die.

1031
01:23:23,707 --> 01:23:25,129
Weirdo.

1032
01:23:45,646 --> 01:23:48,775
You know, I rather
enjoy my new disguise.

1033
01:23:49,900 --> 01:23:53,575
I must apologize for making
you dig your own grave.

1034
01:23:53,737 --> 01:23:56,411
It's appalling, not offering you
a more professional courtesy,

1035
01:23:56,573 --> 01:23:58,575
but I'm not
one for hard labor.

1036
01:23:58,742 --> 01:24:02,872
You on the other hand, being Mexican
and all, you must be used to it.

1037
01:24:03,413 --> 01:24:04,414
And...

1038
01:24:07,584 --> 01:24:09,837
Holy fucking
underground tunnel!

1039
01:24:25,185 --> 01:24:26,277
People!

1040
01:24:27,020 --> 01:24:28,488
Did you see the Mexican guy?

1041
01:24:28,939 --> 01:24:30,156
Drop it!

1042
01:24:30,232 --> 01:24:34,282
Reach for the sky before I put
that illegal face in a tussle.

1043
01:24:36,655 --> 01:24:39,454
You have it all wrong.
This is all a big mistake.

1044
01:24:39,616 --> 01:24:43,837
Only mistake you made was dancin'
across that border, muchacho.

1045
01:24:43,996 --> 01:24:45,873
No, no, you don't understand.

1046
01:24:46,873 --> 01:24:48,295
I am no Mexican.

1047
01:24:48,458 --> 01:24:50,426
Don't move your hands, amigo!

1048
01:24:50,586 --> 01:24:53,806
Sir, really, listen
to my voice.

1049
01:24:54,047 --> 01:24:55,799
Do I sound Mexican?

1050
01:24:55,966 --> 01:24:58,219
I am from Ontario,
for fuck's sake!

1051
01:24:58,552 --> 01:25:01,305
Canadian and Mexican.

1052
01:25:01,972 --> 01:25:03,064
Double-whammy.

1053
01:25:03,140 --> 01:25:04,608
Smoke this fool!

1054
01:25:48,685 --> 01:25:49,982
Get him some water!

1055
01:25:50,937 --> 01:25:52,439
No time for water.

1056
01:25:54,441 --> 01:25:57,695
Doc Felix needs to see him right away.
Machete!

1057
01:25:58,612 --> 01:25:59,864
You're back.

1058
01:26:03,950 --> 01:26:05,497
Sorry if I smell.

1059
01:26:05,661 --> 01:26:08,210
Did you know the average person
passes gas 14 times a day?

1060
01:26:08,705 --> 01:26:10,048
It's true.

1061
01:26:10,916 --> 01:26:13,544
Our target, Luthor Voz.

1062
01:26:13,835 --> 01:26:16,884
The same proper fuck who's
been jacking our members.

1063
01:26:17,047 --> 01:26:20,551
As we speak, he's got a missile
pointed right up our ass.

1064
01:26:21,885 --> 01:26:26,891
And since it looks like no one else
is gonna stop him, it's on us.

1065
01:26:27,057 --> 01:26:30,402
Machete's mission with Voz
has nothing to do with us.

1066
01:26:30,560 --> 01:26:32,483
We are the Network.

1067
01:26:32,646 --> 01:26:34,068
Our mission is Mexico.

1068
01:26:34,231 --> 01:26:35,904
Our mission has changed.

1069
01:26:36,066 --> 01:26:37,238
He's right.

1070
01:26:37,567 --> 01:26:38,568
I'll go it alone.

1071
01:26:38,652 --> 01:26:40,996
You're not going anywhere
without me, cabrón.

1072
01:26:41,655 --> 01:26:43,077
No time to argue.

1073
01:26:43,990 --> 01:26:45,116
Fuck that.

1074
01:26:46,535 --> 01:26:49,004
Let me explain
something, mi gente.

1075
01:26:49,538 --> 01:26:51,666
This isn't about
Mexico no more.

1076
01:26:52,249 --> 01:26:53,751
It's about the world.

1077
01:26:54,084 --> 01:26:57,759
No world, no Mexico.

1078
01:26:58,088 --> 01:26:59,260
Count me in.

1079
01:26:59,423 --> 01:27:01,346
Me, too.
Me, too.

1080
01:27:02,008 --> 01:27:03,351
Ditto.

1081
01:27:03,593 --> 01:27:05,595
Viva Machete!

1082
01:27:09,182 --> 01:27:11,276
Looks like
it's settled, Machete.

1083
01:27:11,852 --> 01:27:12,944
When do we hit 'em?

1084
01:27:13,353 --> 01:27:14,650
Tonight.

1085
01:27:22,946 --> 01:27:24,493
Network-1 in position.

1086
01:27:24,656 --> 01:27:26,329
Network-2 in position.

1087
01:27:27,117 --> 01:27:28,414
Copy that.

1088
01:27:28,493 --> 01:27:29,585
Here you are.

1089
01:27:31,121 --> 01:27:32,122
Thank you.

1090
01:27:48,430 --> 01:27:52,776
Ladies and
gentlemen, your host, Voz!

1091
01:28:04,029 --> 01:28:06,532
My fellow travelers,
my friends,

1092
01:28:07,282 --> 01:28:12,630
I proudly present the Millennium-1
ready to launch right on schedule.

1093
01:28:12,788 --> 01:28:14,131
Now before long,

1094
01:28:14,289 --> 01:28:18,635
we'll be transported to the heavens on
a maiden voyage of Titanic proportion.

1095
01:28:19,419 --> 01:28:21,296
And once the world is purged,

1096
01:28:21,379 --> 01:28:26,601
we'll return to bring about
a new world together!

1097
01:28:31,056 --> 01:28:33,479
In a moment, the boarding
process will begin.

1098
01:28:33,558 --> 01:28:37,358
But first, my friends,
prepare for infinity!

1099
01:28:37,896 --> 01:28:40,820
Reveal your new selves to me!

1100
01:28:50,575 --> 01:28:52,418
Why don't you
tell them the truth?

1101
01:28:54,913 --> 01:28:58,588
Tell them you orchestrated all this.
The missiles, the heart.

1102
01:28:59,000 --> 01:29:02,755
Would someone please help the help?
He seems to be lost.

1103
01:29:02,921 --> 01:29:06,971
Tell them if the world ends,
you're the one who ended it.

1104
01:29:08,260 --> 01:29:10,604
How can this be? This isn't
supposed to be happening.

1105
01:29:10,762 --> 01:29:13,106
No, this isn't supposed to be...
I never saw this.

1106
01:29:14,099 --> 01:29:15,897
Machete happens.

1107
01:29:16,351 --> 01:29:19,070
Look, this is no time
for second thoughts.

1108
01:29:19,521 --> 01:29:21,774
The end is near,
I assure you.

1109
01:29:21,940 --> 01:29:23,283
For you.

1110
01:29:24,442 --> 01:29:25,443
Let's do this.

1111
01:29:33,952 --> 01:29:37,923
Well, ladies and gents, I had hoped
to have an uninhibited evening,

1112
01:29:39,541 --> 01:29:41,214
but now it seems...

1113
01:29:41,626 --> 01:29:42,878
Guards!

1114
01:29:57,058 --> 01:29:58,981
What about Voz?
We find the heart first.

1115
01:29:59,144 --> 01:30:00,487
After you, chief.

1116
01:30:08,486 --> 01:30:10,159
Motherfuckers!

1117
01:30:16,578 --> 01:30:19,127
What the beating
fuck is that?

1118
01:30:20,165 --> 01:30:23,760
Yeah, I'm more of a cherry bomb,
matchstick kind of guy, you know.

1119
01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:27,423
Semtex, TNT.
50-50 shot on a good day.

1120
01:30:27,589 --> 01:30:30,968
But this... I mean, high
octane organs ain't my bag.

1121
01:30:32,010 --> 01:30:33,637
Then what good are you?

1122
01:30:43,229 --> 01:30:46,028
Never mind.
We're live.

1123
01:30:48,360 --> 01:30:52,991
It's a shame I have to kill you now,
Mr. Machete, but if you gotta go,

1124
01:30:55,325 --> 01:30:56,827
go inside-out.

1125
01:30:57,327 --> 01:30:58,544
No!

1126
01:31:00,372 --> 01:31:01,715
We're even.

1127
01:31:51,381 --> 01:31:53,258
Well, what can I say?

1128
01:31:54,259 --> 01:31:58,059
I suppose we both like getting
our hands a little dirty.

1129
01:32:06,938 --> 01:32:08,611
You can't beat me, you know.

1130
01:32:09,399 --> 01:32:13,745
I know your every move
even before you do.

1131
01:32:20,577 --> 01:32:22,170
Nobody knows Machete.

1132
01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:24,122
That's true.

1133
01:32:24,289 --> 01:32:29,511
Ever since I met you, the future has been
more unclear, and that, that puzzles me.

1134
01:32:33,256 --> 01:32:34,929
But then I figured it out.

1135
01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:37,807
There's just not a whole lot
going on up there, is there?

1136
01:32:41,806 --> 01:32:46,152
I admit, I may not be able to
predict you as accurately now,

1137
01:32:46,811 --> 01:32:51,942
but I assure you, I'm every bit
as merciless as what you are.

1138
01:32:52,817 --> 01:32:54,285
Demonstration?

1139
01:33:35,860 --> 01:33:38,579
Keep fighting, God damn it!

1140
01:33:43,076 --> 01:33:44,328
Preach it, sister.

1141
01:33:49,749 --> 01:33:51,046
How poetic.

1142
01:33:51,334 --> 01:33:54,383
Now you really are
the blind leading the blind.

1143
01:34:09,894 --> 01:34:12,738
Round them up, let's go!
Get them on the shuttle now.

1144
01:34:13,356 --> 01:34:15,108
And someone find Voz.

1145
01:34:45,763 --> 01:34:47,765
All right, folks,
let's keep it moving.

1146
01:34:47,932 --> 01:34:50,936
Form a single-file line,
one after another. Thank you.

1147
01:34:51,269 --> 01:34:54,773
Missile launch in T
minus two minutes.

1148
01:34:55,565 --> 01:34:57,909
One after another.
What the hell?

1149
01:35:01,321 --> 01:35:04,120
Keep your hands in the straps
and hold on tight.

1150
01:35:36,272 --> 01:35:37,273
Really?

1151
01:35:38,942 --> 01:35:40,535
You're gonna make
me kill a blind chick?

1152
01:35:42,487 --> 01:35:44,330
I'm pretty sure they're gonna
take my crown for that.

1153
01:35:44,489 --> 01:35:48,119
That's all right. They'll just give it to
the next bimbo who spreads like butter.

1154
01:36:01,297 --> 01:36:02,640
All right, darling.

1155
01:36:04,008 --> 01:36:05,510
You wanna tango?

1156
01:36:07,303 --> 01:36:08,850
Let's tango.

1157
01:36:09,013 --> 01:36:10,686
Mano-a-mano, motherfucker.

1158
01:36:18,022 --> 01:36:21,276
Missile
launch in T minus one minute.

1159
01:36:21,359 --> 01:36:23,327
Watch it now, pussycat.

1160
01:36:23,486 --> 01:36:27,161
That's not a very lady-like
kind of thing to say.

1161
01:36:27,323 --> 01:36:28,540
I don't do lady-like.

1162
01:36:33,413 --> 01:36:36,508
So what then, you're just a
regular old cranky bitch?

1163
01:36:36,708 --> 01:36:38,051
Or is it PMS?

1164
01:36:38,209 --> 01:36:40,632
If it were PMS,
you'd be dead already.

1165
01:36:57,186 --> 01:36:58,859
It was fun while it lasted.

1166
01:37:35,892 --> 01:37:37,485
So now what happens?

1167
01:37:39,896 --> 01:37:42,115
Ask the last guy
who shot my eye out.

1168
01:37:55,661 --> 01:37:58,164
It appears
we have a stray.

1169
01:37:58,247 --> 01:38:02,798
And where, oh, where might our mutual
acquaintance be at this moment?

1170
01:38:02,960 --> 01:38:04,428
Pissing on your sunny day.

1171
01:38:04,587 --> 01:38:06,260
You fucked with
the wrong Mexican.

1172
01:38:06,422 --> 01:38:07,719
Indeed I have.

1173
01:38:07,799 --> 01:38:10,268
However, in 20 seconds,
none of that will matter,

1174
01:38:10,426 --> 01:38:14,476
but you, well, you're looking at
a pickle any way you slice it.

1175
01:38:14,639 --> 01:38:17,438
I can't see, but I could
still kick your ass.

1176
01:38:17,600 --> 01:38:19,819
That's why I'm taking
you with me.

1177
01:38:24,774 --> 01:38:26,071
Ah!

1178
01:38:29,821 --> 01:38:31,823
Load her onto the shuttle.

1179
01:38:39,497 --> 01:38:40,669
Bring them.

1180
01:38:41,124 --> 01:38:43,627
They can join the other
laborers we abducted.

1181
01:38:44,794 --> 01:38:47,673
There'll be plenty of work
to be done up there.

1182
01:38:49,465 --> 01:38:52,014
This is your captain speaking.

1183
01:38:52,635 --> 01:38:57,687
I apologize in advance for the discomfort
you may experience during our travels,

1184
01:38:57,849 --> 01:39:00,352
but we are unforeseeably
overbooked.

1185
01:39:00,518 --> 01:39:05,194
So please hang on and try
and enjoy the flight.

1186
01:39:08,526 --> 01:39:11,700
See you in space,
Mr. Machete.

1187
01:39:58,576 --> 01:40:00,749
Get the fuck off that man.
He just saved the world's ass.

1188
01:40:03,247 --> 01:40:06,376
Machete, I got your message. We
were able to stop the other missiles.

1189
01:40:06,542 --> 01:40:08,044
Where's that
son of a bitch Voz?

1190
01:40:11,088 --> 01:40:13,021
Are you telling me
that turkey is just up

1191
01:40:13,047 --> 01:40:15,118
there floating around
with weapons and shit?

1192
01:40:17,261 --> 01:40:20,140
I got a wild idea.
Just hear me out.

1193
01:40:21,265 --> 01:40:25,111
I can put you on a SpaceX
rocket, top of the line.

1194
01:40:26,437 --> 01:40:29,111
You go up into space.

1195
01:40:29,398 --> 01:40:30,570
I'll do it.

1196
01:40:32,610 --> 01:40:33,907
I'll do it.

1197
01:40:34,946 --> 01:40:36,573
Your country thanks you.

1198
01:40:46,290 --> 01:40:48,793
Good luck, Machete.
Get the bastard.

1199
01:41:54,191 --> 01:41:57,320
I'm President Rathcock
and I approve this message.

1200
01:47:36,992 --> 01:47:39,711
You can't surprise
pussy-punch someone.