The Tales of Mercury

The Tale of Mercury
>You are Mercury, fastest fluffy pegasus in the world.
>You can outrun any fluffy, no matter how fast they think they are.
>Your mommy was fast too, but not fast enough to outrun that stupid human munster that kicked her when you left your hidey hole.
>Since then, you’ve done nothing but run.
>Got to keep running. Got to stay ahead of the munsters.
>Tonight, you’re running down the street with fresh nummies in your teeth, when you see something from the corner of your eye.
>It’s a light box in some human’s house and it’s showing mountains of the fabled Spaghetti.
>This is worth stopping for.
>As the Light box goes on and on, other fluffies start gathering around you, plopping down on their fuzzy rumps to listen to the light box talk.
>”Spaghetti land is the premier destination for all you fluffy lovers out there!” says the human voice.
>”Litterboxes every fifteen feet!” he says. “Every ride fluffy safe! All the spaghetti your happy fluffy ponies could ever want!”
>There there’s a blue earth fluffy on the light box. “Fwuffy wuv sketti wand!” he says. “Bwing you fwuffies to Sketti wand!
>”I say dat wite?” he asks, before the camera cuts back to a mountain of spaghetti.
>”Come visit Spaghetti Land TODAY!”
>You look to the fluffies who are positively bouncing off the sidewalk with delight.
>”Dere sketti wand?” “Dis weal?” “Wan Sketti wand!” “Wheh Sketti Wand?”
>You feel as if it was your destiny to see this, and you run up on top of a stoop.
>”Wisten up fuwffies!” you say. “My name Mecuwy! I nawt smawty fwiend, but know dat Sketti wand is weal!”
>”Gweat Sketti Gawd choosed us to heaw dis!” you say. “We teww aww fwuffies evey where!”
>”Gweat sketti gawd?” “Wat Gawd?” “Pway?” "Hungy!"
>You stamp a hoof to the ground to regain their attention.
>”Go fwiends!” you say. “Wun an teww aww fwuffies bout Sketti Wand! Fwuffies be safe dere! Fwuffies no hide fwom hooman munsters dere!”
>”What the hell is all that noise?” says a human voice from the house. “Are those fucking fluffies? Where’s my shovel?”
>You jump down from the stairs, and start running. Running to tell every fluffy.
>”Wun!” you yell back at them. “Wun an teww aww you fwiends! Sketti Wand is weal!”
>The herd scatters as the human comes out of the house as they run to tell other fluffies the good news.
>Now your running has a purpose. You’ll visit every herd of fluffies and tell them the legend of Spaghetti  Land.
>You may not be the smartest fluffy in the world, and your memory may not be great, but you’ll never forget this.
>You are the fastest fluffy alive, fast enough to tell every fluffy about the Land of Hugs and Spaghettis.
>You are Mercury.
>And you will lead fluffies to Spaghetti Land if it's the last thing you do.

Mercury Meets the Fluffalo
>Out on the ranch again in western Oklahoma, tending to your herd.
>Herd of cattle? Psh, too much work. What you’ve got here are bon-a-fide, gen-u-ine, grade "A" Fluffalo.
>Some crazy Indians (feathers, not dots) made them by drilling holes into the heads of fluffy ponies, and implanting fluffy unicorn horns in the sides.
>Two dead unicorns for every earth fluffy. Hell of a thing to see that many unicorns spasming in unbelievable pain after they sawed off the horns.
>They made them for a purpose, though. Something about ritualistic bison hunts.
>Whatever the reason, and however it happened, the surviving fluffalo somehow managed to breed true with two horns sticking out the sides of their heads.
>They’re not even the same color as the rest of the fluffy. Who the hell knows what sort of screwed up genes these things have?
>Anyway, you don’t need hundreds of acres, or an army of cowboys to keep up with this herd. All two hundred of the fluffalo occupy ten acres.
>Funny thing about the critters is that they don’t even seem to mind when you come to collect a few of them.
>They just go on and on about “gweat gwassie spiwits” and “cicwe of wife.”
>Free range fluffalo is becoming popular for some reason. Something about the “taste of buffalo” with “none of the guilt.”
>Whatever. You're a rancher, not a damn hippie.
>Tonight, you're riding out to meet the herd. Got an order for another dozen sides of fluffalo.
>You crest what you’d generously call a hill, and gaze out upon your herd. Your mighty fluffalo herd blankets the landscape like a patchwork quilt.
>A patchwork quilt with the collective IQ of a stump, but still.
>Speaking of stumps, there’s a blue and orange fluffalo standing atop one, and talking to the herd.
>Ah, shit. You knew this day would come. One of the fluffalo has gotten it into his head that he’s a smarty friend.
>Funny thing, they never had a leader before now. They just wandered around talking about "gweat spiwits of wa-wa and earfs."
>Aside from that, they ate, shat, and mated like any one of god’s creatures.
>Not that God had anything to do with these things, praise be his name.
>You drop down off your horse, and draw your rifle from the scabbard. Glance down the scope to get that smarty in your sights and…
>It’s a fluffy pegasus. How the hell did he even get in here?
>More importantly, it’s the leanest looking fluffy you’ve ever seen. Not a trace of fat on him, just pure, lithe fluffy muscle.
>No use spooking the herd with a gunshot if you can just quietly dispose of the invader.
>He's shockingly easy to sneak up on. His back is to you as it talks to the herd.
>”Mewcuwy wan yoo teww aww fwuffies yoo meet ‘bout Sketti Wand!” he says. “It weal pwace! Fowwow big baww wise to big hiwws, den weft to Big good wa-was, den back to Sketti Wand!”
>At the mention of the sun, the fluffalos start chanting nonsense, and droning as if consumed by the spirits.
>A big pink fluffalo steps from the herd and starts speaking.
>”Baww of wite bwing wife to the fwuffawo hewds centwies ago,”
>Seriously, it’s been a year since fluffallo were created. They’re less than seven generations old.
>”Baww gif us gwassies fow maneh yeaws, and ask owny fow wespect in wetuwn.”
>Every time you talk to them, they try to tell you this same line of bullshit.
>”Aww pwaise da wite baww, bwing to us ciwcewe of wife.”
>You swear that pegasus just scratched his head in confusion.
>”Uh… wite!” he says. “Teww aww you fweinds!”
>The fluffy pegasus turns around and sees you. His ears flop down against his head, and his eyes widen to the size of saucers. ”Cwap.”
>It’s always nice when they freeze like that.
>You pull the bowie knife from your belt in a single swift motion, heaving it at the stump where the fluffy stands.
>You ain’t no stranger to mumble-peg but that critter dodges the knife like he’s some kind of fluffy ninja.
>He dashes between your legs with more speed than you’ve ever seen in one of these turd machines.
>Bolting at least ten miles an hour, he makes for the fence.
>He’s in for a big surprise when it zaps the shit out of him, literally and figuratively.
>The fluffy runs up an old plow laying in the field, leaping over the fence in a single smooth jump.
>The pegasus tucks and rolls like he’s some kind of stunt man and ends up on his feet.
>”Teww you fweinds!” he yells back at the fluffalo as he continues his run. “Sketti Wand is weal!”
>Would you look at that fluffy go? Normally you hate the things, but you gotta respect a fluffy pony that can move like that.
>The herd turns back to you as you pull your knife from the stump.
>”Gweetin's hooman,” says the fluffalo that spoke earlier. “Da gweat fwuffawo hewd espectin’ you. Wong have we woamed da pwains of dis wand in sewch of gwassies an…”
>Without even a second thought, you whip the knife around, splitting the fluffalo’s head before he can get any further.
>You really don’t need to hear that nonsense again.

Mercury Meets the Fluffy Venus
>You are Mercury, fastest fluffy pony to ever lay hooves to ground.
>You've traveled south across the "Big Wed Fowests" to deliver a message to fluffies who would hear you.
>When you hit the "Biggest Sawty Wa-Was" you turned left, and started running again.
>You only stop to eat, drink, and tell fluffies of the glorious news. The land of Hugs and Spagehtti is real.
>And it is to the east.
>Some silly fluffies can't tell the east from the west, and head toward the big salty water, but that's their problem.
>A old fluffy name "Compass" taught you where to go. His human took him all over the land, and he instantly recognized where you were talking about.
>You remember his words clear as day.
>Follow the big bright ball rises over the big hills until you reach the other big hills.
>Follow the big hills left of big ball rise till you reach the biggest good waters.
>Then follow the biggest waters away from the bright ball rise till you reach the promised land.
>Compass wouldn't come with you because he was so very old, but you thanked him, and promised to give his directions to those who would listen.
>You've told countless fluffies about Spaghetti land and of Compass.
>Many wanted to follow you, but couldn't keep up. You told the smarty friends to stay with their herds, and spread the word.
>Today, you're crossing the hot yellow lands, and it is unbelievably hot.
>You take shelter under a herd of sleeping big squishing munsters. It's dangerous, sure, but there's nowhere else to hide from the burning bright ball.
>As you doze off to sleep, a slamming door catches your ear.
>"Alright, let's get this show on the road," says a loud scary man. "Natasha! Sarah! Get your asses in the Uni-suit! This car dealership just wants a thirty second commercial, so we should be done in an hour."
>"'Come see the southwest,' they said," says a nice sounding lady's voice. "'It's a dry heat' they said. Well it's still hot!"
>"At least this suits water cooled," says another lady. "Let's get this over with, get our check and be done."
>You peek out from beneath the sleeping munster to see the most beautiful fluffy ever.
>She's a pure white unicorn with the most gorgeous mane you've ever seen. And she's huge! Biggest than a hundred fluffies in a pile!
>Your little heart races as you approach her. Would a beauty such as her even need to go to the promised land? A million fluffies would serve her at the slightest wish!
>Take a deep breath. This is your destiny. Stride with pride from beneath the munster, and approach the gorgeous, sexy unicorn.
>"Big fwiend!" you say. "Haf bestest news!"
>"Uh oh," says the second nice lady voice from somewhere. "Feral."
>"Uh... Hewwo wittew fwiend!" says the big fluffy unicorn. "Wheh you mummy?"
>Those eyes! Those eyes just call at you with their siren song.
>NO! You have to tell her the good news, even though you want to special hug her so bad you no-no's hurt.
>"Deh..." now you're shaking and nervous. Come on, Mercury, fluffy up! You can do this!
>"Deh a pwace wheh aww good fwuffies be safe!" you blurt out. "Sketti Wand is weal! Pwace wheh piwe of sketti biwwon fwuffies high!"
>Keep it together, Mercury. You're doing great.
>"Go to bwight baww tiww big hiwws, den weft, den fowwow big good wa-was way fwom biwight baww wise!"
>There! Message delivered!
>Now you need to convince her to join you.
>"Big pwetty fwuffy wan come wif Mecuwy, teww aww da fwuffies bout it?"
>"The hell is he saying?" asks the second nice lady. Where is she anyway?
>"Uh... Nu tank you, Mecuwy! Uni haf go see hoomans, bu I teww aww fwuffies bout it!"
>Your little heart breaks for a moment, and a single tear rolls down your cheek.
>Of course she wouldn't want to come with you. This glorious mare deserves the bestest smarty friend, not just the fastest fluffy.
>"Tank you... Uni," you sniffle. "Pwomise I see you deh, and we be fwiends??
>"Pwomise!" says Uni.
>You decide to press your luck. “Can haf huggies?”
>She reaches down and gives you a hug. Her fluff is so soft, and gives you such naughty thoughts!
>But she isn’t your special friend, and no matter how much your no-nos ache for her, you don’t deserve her.
>You step away from the goddess with your head held as high as you can.
>And then, you start running again. You are the fastest fluffy alive, fast enough to tell every fluffy about the Land of Hugs and Spaghettis.
>You are Mercury.
>And you will lead fluffies to Spaghetti Land if it's the last thing you do.