Emotional Literacy: A Work In Progress

Okay so, In The Beginning:
Like the day you left when we had that conversation on the bench, we mostly established that if lacking in details. But yeah I've kind of had that as a constant in my head. We love each other, want to keep doing stuff and are definitely A Thing, but because of the Situation we weren't going to be in a Commited Monogamous Relationship and we were both totally free to do things with other people. We've like gone into more details and like clarified stuff a bit (WELL MAYBE NOT CLARIFIED APPARENTLY) and like I've had like flaily "what are we???" Questions lmao but I considered everything like adding onto that initial conversation. We are A Thing but while living in different cities we're free to do stuff with other people.

As for communication, I thought that the No Pressure thing was already a basic core value, like I know I said as much ages ages ago like a few days after you left. And we never had an issue with that? But IDK it's hard to explain or describe but like something shifted during/after my trip out there.

Okay so yeah I think it was like a large number of factors that like created that shift? And I can only speak to my experience too of course. But yeah, Alberta was Amazing and it was so so so good to spend that time with you but of course like there were still challenges. Tbh sometimes it was really difficult for me to like reconcile how you are online with how you are in person???? I mean like when we lived together we were both STRESSED and SPUN and mostly concentrating on our own hectic worlds. And when you came out here we did connect hugely and it was amazing but also there was a lot of Awkwardness and Tension and Outside Stresses and it wasn't really a long time period. So how I knew you the most was online and I wasn't really like prepared for that??? Like I'm really not trying to say aaaaanything negative just fyi but like I wasn't expecting it and it threw me. Also, of course, dealing with other things like ~KYLE~ and all that entails and so much stress in my life, and the speed/lack of speed/hating myself for doing the speed while I was there, and now I'm pretty confident my antidepressants were making shit worse. They would've just started to actually have an effect by then, and like it was hard to notice the gradual difference especially while DEALING with so many dramatic things that anyone would have trouble dealing with, having gone off them and having that abrupt change (while STILL DEALING WITH DRAMATIC SHIT) there's a SIGNIFICANT difference and I'm pretty dang certain that they've just been exacerbating my bipolar/borderline/whatever fuckin mood disorder shit my brains got going on.
So navigating was difficult sometimes. Also I still feel REALLY regretful about Sex Stuff??? I wish I could redo all that. I did not understand the extent/complexity of the way you engage/interact (?? wording?) with sex and everything??? Like especially the pressure thing being as big a thing as it was, I would have changed a lot of my behavior??? I'M REALLY VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT. @And yeah knowing you as very talkative, excitable, suuuuuper emotive and like well you know what our conversations are like, and not being prepared for the more stoic/distant/subdued behavior (and ur avoidance complex lmaoooo) and you not being into sex/spice a lot of the time, it was really easy for my Mental Health Brain to interpret this as being a problem with me. That things weren't working. That you didn't like me l as much as you thought you did. Even though we talked about it a bit at the time it was still difficult not to feel that?

And after I left, like even if I was telling myself that that wasn't the case and logically I didn't believe it, that feeling still existed in my heart. So the fact that we barely spoke anymore immediately after I left just compounded with that SO hard.

Then to add to all this, like, I suddenly hardcore felt the reality that Kyle and I weren't together anymore. Like after it happened I was able to talk shit out with you and keep myself grounded and rational even if I was just talking at you most of the time, and I was working HARDCORE CONSTANTLY and had almost 0 free time. So I never really let myself just feel it?? Also we were planning my visit right - I had this Big Positive Thing to look forward to and focus on, and we were talking CONSTANTLY (like a few times I wound up spending my one day off in bed all day just because I couldn't stop talking to you long enough to actually get up and get dressed 😂) and I KNEW I WAS GOING TO SEE YOU THEN so it was like tangible? So now, after spending a month being with you 24/7, I'm back home alone, you're barely speaking to me and I'm just hyperanalyzing every interaction in my head, I have no idea when or if I will get to see you again, and I haven't heard from Kyle in weeks, and the full weight of things reeeaaaallllyyyy hit me? Like I know I said it a few times but not having a Person anymore really fucks with my head. And Kyle and I had a really amazing connection. Like I can't convey it properly. With all my People Issues, he's the only person I have ever met that hasn't been People to me. I could always talk to him so easily right from the day we met - and like, that was back when I said about 2 sentences a day max. Not once did I ever feel awkward or uncomfortable or anxious with him, not once did I ever question the way he felt about me. I moved in with him like a month after we met and I had no doubts in my heart about anything. He was my best friend and helped me grow as a person exponentially and we went through so much together and even near the end, during our worst times, I've never doubted that he loved me. And now he's not there. And now I don't have that connection in my life any more, someone where I don't have to think about what I'm saying when I talk to them, or worry if I'm bugging them, someone that I don't have to think about seeing again, don't have to make plans and work out schedules and travel and work around life just to interact face to face, someone that I can just BE WITH, no conditions. From here on out every relationship, every friendship, every connection in my life, is going to be something that I have to actively choose to develop and maintain, and that I will have to fight through anxiety and self doubt and Social Custopms and Social Fatigue to do so. And I really fuckin miss him.

(WOW I DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE MOST OF THAT PARAGRAPH BUT THE WORDS JUST KEPT COMING OUT.)

ANYWAYS. With aaaaallllll that goin' on, then I got to hop on a plane yet again to Moncton, which was EXHAUSTING AND STRESSFUL. And I'm feeling very alone and emotional (which again my meds are Not Helping). And it's a really different energy with River of Pride than last year. Like I was sooooo happy to be there and so excited and had a lot of fun and really amazing moments too. But Working Pride Week is Exhausting and Stressful anyways - 41 FUCKING EVENTS IN ONE WEEK. 4 ACTUAL STAFF. A SMALL GRPOUP OF HARRIED VOLUNTEER BOARD MEMBERS THAT HELP OUT WHEN THEY CAN. WE BARELY SLEEP, WE SURVIVE ON EVENT FOOD AND CAFFEINE, BUT WE GET IT DONE. - but like there was definitely something else, I kept feeling like this big oppressive cloud of stress. (I found out almost at the end of the week what the actual reasons for this were - apparently it's been a bad year for the board :( ) And like I didn't bring near enough speed and I'm going through a lot already and just like with you, my brain is just finding every way to make me think I was doing something wrong, and that people were upset with me or that my actions caused other stressful situations. Like I spent an entire day just feeling like absolute garbage because I thought Charles was frustrated with me for always being too meticulous and taking too long packing the van up.  I had a few panic attacks where everything that was going on was just too overwhelming and I thought I was just going to make things worse and I had to go sit somewhere alone and calm the fuck down. I completely missed the Trans March, one of our most important events, which I got to help plan and that I cared about the most out of the whole week AND which I was supposed to be one of the speakers for too, and I spent it sitting in the venue hallway just hating myself for being so neurotic and useless and wishing I could just go home. ((Apparently it was a huge success though and everyone was like so amazingly stoked and impressed and proud and sooooo many people came.))

SO YEAH. That was where I was at. And I was just feeling that loss of having someone to share your life with so hard. And I was feeling the loss of connection with you. And i knew it was because you needed the space and the rest, I knew you were just tired and trying to manage your own mental health and your own life, l knew that in my head I really did. But it's so hard to believe things in your heart. And I could see the direction my behavior was going. I know I just went on about how amazing of a connection Kyle and I had, but our relationship was still so unhealthy in so many ways and during the first 4 years of it I was still a teenager. I developed some really unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms, and some mad codependency issues. And I still have a lot to work through but self awareness is the first step. But yeah I saw a lot of that starting to show, I could see myself getting needy and anxious, and I could see myself getting more and more upset when you wouldn't respond, or your response wasn't what I wanted, and know that just creates a self perpetuating cycle where I just get more and more neurotic and that just pushes you away further. I knew you didn't need that stress right now, or any of it. And I didn't want to recreate any of these toxic behaviours within our own relationship. Like how you now felt this pressure to reply, and this guilt, and you kept apologizing for not talking and I don't want that, I never want you to feel like that. I completely understand and agree that we shouldn't feel pressured to talk to each other. We each have our own lives and our own wellbeing to take care of, our own needs and limits with social interaction, and being online should not mean we are obligated to reply or feel guilty for it. If I'm messaging you and you don't reply because you spent the day at the river and the night making jewelry you shouldn't have to apologize for it. If you're messaging me and I don't reply because I'm on a roll with a project and want to get as much power tool use in before noise bylaw kicks in I shouldn't feel guilty for it. If we don't talk for days because we're focusing on something else important going on and just don't have the energy for it, it shouldn't become an additional source of stress. We have lives outside our phones and that's okay. If I send you a message it doesn't matter when you reply to it, I know that you'll get back to me when you get back to me, messages don't expire.

THAT is what the baseline for this should be and was supposed to be. But at that time, I had a lot of difficult things triggering some really problematic habits that I knew were literally the worst possible thing for what YOU needed. And I could see that, and I could see what would happen if it kept going because i knew you weren't in a place to provide the level of communication and emotional labour that I was reaching for, and we were barely talking anyways. I thought taking a break would be the best thing - you could get the stress free rest that you needed without worrying about me or feeling like you had to do something, and I could take some time to try and work through some of these thoughts and impulses and actually come to terms with the end of my relationship and just be with myself for a while. (Though while those are all very valid and real factors in this, I am gonna acknowledge another problematic coping method that contributed to my suggestion for Self Accountability's sake. When there's something shitty happening that I feel like is going to keep hurting me I will make up a way to rationalize being okay with it. "You won't talk to me? Well that doesn't matter if we're ~NOT TALKING.~" The most spectacularly bad example of this is the time I suggested that Kyle and I should have an open relationship. My reasoning was that he couldn't keep cheating on me because it's not cheating if I'm OKAY WITH IT. Let's just say it was a bad time.)

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, I THINK THIS IS WHERE THE BIGGEST FACTOR OF CONFUSION HAPPENED. When I said we should take a break, I did not mean like a break from being what we are. I didn't mean a break in our relationship. We would still be A Thing, we would still be nerds in love, nothing about our status or situation would change. I just meant like, *physically, not interact for a while*. So you could have space and recharge and focus on yourself as much as you need to, and I could unpack some shit and work through the emotions and learned behaviour that were directly impacting our relationship at that time. I WOULD STILL BE UR BOY. I JUST WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU FOR LIKE A WEEK OR THREE IDK WHATEVER WE NEEDED. But I think we got past that point already so like...break over?

P sure the only part of that I actually needed to write was the last paragraph. But I wanted to EXPLAIN where I was COMING FROM and ACKNOWLEDGE SOME SHIT and give you a better understanding so we can NAVIGATE COMPLICATED DYNAMICS IN THE HEALTHIEST WAY TOGETHER. ♥️🌈🌟