notkickass222urmom

Equestrians Human Spirit pt 1

Jun 8th, 2016
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  1.  
  2.  
  3.  
  4. >I sighed as I walked down the cement path of my city,
  5. No roads? What is this, libertarian paradise?
  6.  
  7. >listening to the sounds of people and cars moving from place to place, living out their normal lives.
  8. As opposed to you, living out your not-normal life. Oh right, you're getting to that.
  9.  
  10. >They all have something that I lost a long time ago…. happiness.
  11. And there's the moneyshot. Wangst-fest just up ahead. Can't miss it, although you probably want to.
  12.  
  13. >My name is Daniel Blaze.
  14. Any relation to Aria Blaze by any chance? Because she's a grump too, except she's actually somewhat interesting.
  15.  
  16. >I'm a twenty year old human filled with nothing but emptiness.
  17. Then go to mcdonald's and get a happy meal. It might lift you out of your wangst. Or is your wallet also filled with emptiness?
  18.  
  19. >I wear a red T-shirt with a leather black jacket. The rest of my attire consists of red and black shoes, black fingerless gloves, and a pair of red jeans.
  20. With a fashion sense like that, it's no wonder nobody likes you.
  21.  
  22. >On my left cheek there is a scar from long ago during my childhood.
  23. "I was never good at petting cats."
  24.  
  25. >And finally around my neck was a golden pendant, a pendant that held within it a picture of me and the only person I ever loved with all my heart, my mother.
  26. You seem to be pretty in love with yourself. Also, anyone else notice these tense shifts? Always the mark of a good writer.
  27.  
  28. >She was my whole world, but she died from Cancer when I was ten.
  29. I wonder... How many graveyards are dedicated to edgy OCs' dead moms? I don't want to know.
  30.  
  31.  
  32.  
  33. >I got word my grandfather was injected with some kind of deadly poison, which is fatal to the human body.
  34. As opposed to deadly poison that isn't fatal to the human body.
  35.  
  36. >From the news, I knew he wasn't going to make it.
  37. We've got ourselves a regular Sherlock Holmes here, guys.
  38.  
  39. >Three weeks later, he passed as well, leaving me alone in this world... I couldn't believe the only two people I held dear in my heart were gone forever.
  40. That makes Rarity all saddy-waddy. Can we get Rarity over here? At least she makes wangst-fests entertaining.
  41.  
  42. >I didn't have any friends from my time living in Florida. I was alone, living in the shadows, with no one to comfort me or be at my side.
  43. Maybe your eyesore for an outfit and utter lack of interesting qualities has something to do with it, bucko.
  44.  
  45. >During my time of being alone in this cruel world, I tried to help others out as best I can.
  46. In this fic: Things that didn't happen.
  47.  
  48. >As I continued strolling through other people as they chatted away in their business, something caught my attention. Someone was looking at me. It was guy, around my age, I think, has white hair, and shockingly purple eyes, with an evil smirk.
  49. It's a Gary Stu! Run! Oh, wait. You're a Gary Stu too. In that case, he's probably flirting with you. Go pound dat edgelord boipucci. Lose your virginity.
  50.  
  51. >After my grandfather’s passing, I became the owner of the house. I didn’t have any problems paying the taxes and so forth
  52. NEET's don't normally pay taxes. Unless it's sales tax. You can handle sales tax. Wow, what an achievement.
  53.  
  54. >because the payment was low, and the house electricity, water and so forth wasn’t used much when my Grandfather lived here.
  55. But you're probably running up the electric bill with all that time you spend on your computer writing shitty self-insert fanfics. Good thing you're so good with taxes.
  56.  
  57.  
  58.  
  59. > But at least there was one thing I truly and always have to remember my grandfather by.
  60. A loose asshole?
  61.  
  62. >I walked into the living room and pulled out a sword from a drawer, gently holding it in my hands. The sword was sheathed in a black sheath, made out of strong leather with a metal compartment inside of it.
  63. Fifty bucks says it's a katana.
  64.  
  65. >The blade of the sword was made not out of a metal, but instead it was made out of a crystal compound
  66. As opposed to a crystal element.
  67. >and a black stone edge.
  68. Because we didn't have enough black edges in this story.
  69.  
  70. >I don't even know what the sword was made out of
  71. Obsidian, dipshit.
  72.  
  73. >neither he knew as well, but he told me the material of the sword were very valuable.
  74. Sorry to tell you this, but your grandpa got gypped. Looks like we know where your lack of brains comes from.
  75.  
  76. >The sword was a Katana
  77. Ding! Fifty bucks, please.
  78.  
  79. >one which belonged to my grandfather. It was his most prized possession.
  80. He must've been one poor son of a bitch. If you know anything about swords or about geology, you can probably guess how worthless an obsidian katana should be, in combat or in the marketplace.
  81.  
  82. >He acquired this sword from his late grandfather, to whom I don't know, but he told me he was a great warrior, with a pure heart of gold.
  83. Your great-great-grandfather was a lying bastard. No pure-hearted grandfather would let his moronic grandson reproduce and eventually create you.
  84.  
  85. >This sword was given to me by him on my nineteenth birthday, a year before his passing, and told me it would bring me good luck.
  86. But instead it brought you mockery, by me and probably everyone else who knows about it.
  87.  
  88. >I continued looking at the blade, seeing the reflection of my face on the crystal part of the blade.
  89. And the blade promptly shattered, faced with this neckbeard's acne-ridden blubber bag for a countenance.
  90.  
  91. >My reflection was then replaced with my grandfathers, and he was smiling at me.
  92. Show, don't tell, Gary.
  93.  
  94.  
  95. >I sheathed the sword and sling the sheath onto my back.
  96. I think there are a few Youtube armchair historians who'd like a word with you.
  97.  
  98. >I don't intend to carry it with me in public, because it's a weapon of course, but it's also a very expensive sword.
  99. Where do you live? Fucking London? It's perfectly legal to carry around a sword in the civilized world, and lots of the uncivilized world. It's not like it'd make you less charismatic. You can't go lower than rock bottom.
  100.  
  101. >He even told me someone was willing to give him three million dollars for it, but he refused.
  102. Too bad for you. You could've gotten a BMW and Gucci sunglasses.
  103.  
  104. >I will never trade this magnificent blade for anything, not even for all the money and power in the world.
  105. Fifty bucks says he'll trade it for his horse waifu, then promptly get it back anyway because Gary Stu.
  106.  
  107. Also, this is the point in the story where this artwork is posted. Yes, the author included artwork. Marvel in its majesty, folks. It's better than the poo Mona Lisa.
  108.  
  109. >I decided to sit down on the couch and watch some TV. I had nothing better to do,
  110. You can jerk off, can't you?
  111.  
  112. >Nothing in my life was exciting.
  113. Then why are you the protagonist in a story? You're wasting everyone's time. We want protagonists who actually do things that are fun to read about.
  114.  
  115. >I missed the good old days with my grandfather. He would always take me on camping trips and teach me how to wield the sword.
  116. Oh, my~
  117.  
  118. >We even saw a bear cub wrestling with its sibling one time.
  119. Gary Stu is into bears. That explains why he's such a twink.
  120.  
  121. >I'll never forget those times with my grandfather...
  122. You know, I'm starting to think "a loose asshole" wasn't that far off after all.
  123.  
  124.  
  125. >Besides the camping I did with my grandfather, my mom and I would always walk on the beach together with him on many occasions whenever we met him.
  126. For a three-way, I presume. With your mom wearing a strap-on.
  127.  
  128. >I got up from the couch, and decided to take some things to keep me busy. I packed up some food, water, my Iphone, my laptop computer, a few reading books, and decided to take my grandfather's sword with me.
  129. It's like he knew in advance that he was going to be thrown into a land of magical horses in another universe. Also, fifty bucks says it's the Everfree Forest.
  130.  
  131. >I spent four hours calmly walking along the sidewalks and the streets
  132. Oh, so there are roads. Sorry, libertarians.
  133. >until I made it to the beach, where people were already packing up and leaving as the Sun began to set.
  134. Probably because they smelled you coming.
  135.  
  136. >before I knew it the Sun had set and the night sky was already out. I always enjoyed the night sky, but it was a disappointment that not many stars were visible and the clouds were in the way.
  137. Is our good friend Gary going to get lucky with Princess Luna by any chance? I don't see Luna as a character tag, but it's still possible.
  138.  
  139. >"Well, well, well, lookie who we have here…"
  140. Excellent dialogue, by the way. And the first piece of dialogue we even get after this text-wall of exposition.
  141.  
  142. >I stopped dead in my tracks and I looked up and was faced by three men around twenty and twenty-one.
  143. And you promptly got a stiffy.
  144.  
  145. >I growled
  146. lustfully
  147. >at the men, knowing who they were. It was Tom, Chuck, and Will.
  148. You know they're bullies because they have manly names, and Gary Stus hate anything actually manly.
  149.  
  150. >They were the reason why I was kicked out of my school. Besides being alone in my cruel, lonely world, I was also bullied.
  151. Probably because you have that ridiculous necklace that's basically a neon sign that says "GIVE ME A WEDGIE!"
  152.  
  153.  
  154.  
  155. >Ever since my mother died, many of the students, mostly Tom and his friends, from my school bullied me, believing
  156. rightly
  157. >I was a wimp because I cared too much about her.
  158. More than halfway through the first chapter, and still no ponies in this My Little Pony fanfic. Just more wangst.
  159.  
  160. >One time, they almost destroyed my mothers pendant with a hammer
  161. But then decided not to because it was drenched in loser semen.
  162.  
  163. >but I managed to stop them and beat them up
  164. Things that never happened.
  165.  
  166. >but due to that, I got expelled from the school.
  167. Considering people in public school have done far worse things without getting expelled, I'm thinking the principal was looking for a reason to kick you out, bucko. Like your gay AIDS.
  168.  
  169. >"What the fuck do you assholes want?"
  170. I'm not comfortable with this guy putting "fuck" and "assholes" in the same sentence.
  171.  
  172. >I replied with venom dripping from my words.
  173. Because words are things that venom can drip from.
  174.  
  175. >"Aww, look at that boys, little Danny misses us." Tom taunted.
  176. That's probably not too far from the truth.
  177.  
  178. >My rage boiled in my blood and I wanted to go over to them and beat the living shit outta them, but my Grandfather told me to only use violence for necessary defense.
  179. It's pretty safe to assume grandpa ruined your life. And your asshole. Following his advice at this point is really retarded.
  180.  
  181. >"You three are a waste of my time. Now, beat it." I said growling as I walked away from them.
  182. No wonder you get bullied. You growl like a toy poodle after yapping at the big dogs.
  183.  
  184. >Glad I didn’t lose myself there.
  185. Pretty sure you never had yourself in the first place, boyo.
  186.  
  187. >I was hit in the head with a lot of force, causing me to fall down and drop my bag and sword.
  188. You should've drawn your sword when you had the chance. Then you'd get to see how useless it is.
  189.  
  190. >I was then hauled up to my knees, and was in an arm lock position, being held by Will.
  191. 'My body is ready,' Gary thought to himself, his pants getting tighter.
  192.  
  193.  
  194.  
  195. >"You know that hurts my feelings Danny boy. Now, apologize."
  196. That's actually not an unreasonable request. He offends everyone he meets with his fugly outfit and his autistic mannerisms, after all. An apology is the least he can offer.
  197.  
  198. >I replied by spitting in his face, refusing to apologize to the likes of him. You’ll never get a damn apology from me asshole.
  199. Our hero, everypony! (Sorry, I'm just really starved for ponies in this My Little Pony fanfic.)
  200.  
  201. >Tom wiped my spit off of his face and growled, "Wanna play tough? Well, that's fine by me." He then started punching my gut with hard throws, almost causing me to cough out blood.
  202. But decided it shouldn't go too far because you don't want your leather jacket stained for when you meet your horse waifu.
  203.  
  204. >He then gave me a right hook in the face, leaving me with a huge bruise on my eye.
  205. That's not how a hook works.
  206.  
  207. >I was breathing heavily, while blood was dripping from my nose and lips. I have to say, he’s gotten stronger the last time we met.
  208. Wait till you see his cock. We all know you want to.
  209.  
  210. >"Bite me prick." I replied coldly.
  211. You should've specified where. He can't do proper foreplay for autistic edgelord faggots if he isn't told how.
  212.  
  213. >Tom only shook his head and stood up
  214. Was he not standing up before?
  215.  
  216. >Before he could, I heard Chuck saying, "Yo Tom! Have a look at this!"
  217. >I weakly turned and my eyes widened when I noticed he was holding my sword. Oh no...
  218. ...not yet! It's not fully erect! Everyone will think it's one inch instead of the full three inches!
  219.  
  220. >"This sword is made out of crystal and black rock!" Will and Chuck gasped when he announced what the sword was made of. They then started to smirk evilly.
  221. Are they going to slam it hard on the ground? Make it shatter before his eyes? Of course not, because Gary doesn't know how obsidian works, and he's the author avatar here, so the universe doesn't know how obsidian works either.
  222.  
  223.  
  224. >"You know Danny boy, instead of getting an apology from you, I'll take this sword so we can call it even." He looked at the blade, while smiling at it, "I can make a lot of money out of this."
  225. You know, this sword might be magical after all. It makes anyone within ten feet of it completely retarded. That'd explain a lot of this story.
  226.  
  227. >That’s when my mid clicked and felt my rage swell within my very heart and soul.
  228. I don't think your mid cares about something so clearly impotent.
  229.  
  230. >Oh. No. He's. NOT!
  231. GARY STU POWERS, ACTIVATE!
  232.  
  233. >I threw my head back as hard as I could and hit Will in the face, making him yell in pain as he released me to grasp it with his hands. I lunged forward in rage and quickly punched Chuck and Tom in the faces, making them stagger and fall to the ground in surprise.
  234. This guy clearly does not know how fights work.
  235.  
  236. >While I not only stunned them, I made Tom drop my sword as well. I quickly grabbed it, my bag and legged it out of there!
  237. Why not just kill them all and solve your bully problems forever? Are the police really going to believe that some effeminate queer with an obsidian sword killed three guys on the beach? Of course not, because you're going to have moral qualms with it until the plot says murder is okay.
  238.  
  239. >Great, now I'm on a fucking wild goose chase.
  240. This scenario does not fit the definition of a wild goose chase.
  241.  
  242. >"No where to run now Danny boy!" I heard Tom's voice yell from behind me. They just don’t give up do they?
  243. Silly boy. If they gave up, you wouldn't get to your magical portal to Equestria.
  244.  
  245. >I looked down at my grandfather's sword in my hand, knowing I didn't want them to get their hands on it. Being cornered and with no where to run, there was only one option left for me to do. Wait...I have a weapon with me, and they don't.
  246. And he took how long to figure this out?
  247.  
  248. >Even though I don't want to hurt them
  249. This is why you are bullied.
  250.  
  251.  
  252.  
  253. >"You want this sword, You'll have to take it from my dead body!" I growled.
  254. He does a lot of snarling and growling. Is he a wolfkin by any chance?
  255.  
  256. >Chuck and Will started backing up, believing I would hurt them.
  257. They are stupid.
  258.  
  259. >I was starting to become relieved my threat was working, but something was still off.
  260. Your mom's top?
  261.  
  262. >Tom hasn't moved at all...and he was smirking.
  263. Your mom's top.
  264.  
  265. >"That can be arranged Danny Boy." He moved his hand behind his back and was starting to pull something out. Then, to my horror...it was a pistol he pulled out, and aimed it directly at me.
  266. And then he pulled the trigger, Gary plummeted town to the bottom of the cliff, and he died before his gay AIDS could kill him. The end. Wait... there are 300k more words to this shit? WHAT? REALLY? COME ON.
  267.  
  268. >"SHUT UP!" Tom roared. "If he has a death wish, then I can happily request it for him."
  269. Tom doesn't know what "request" means.
  270.  
  271. >BAM
  272. >I quickly dodged
  273. Gary can dodge bullets.
  274.  
  275. >but the bullet grazed my left shoulder, making me shout in pain.
  276. I guess you're not The One after all.
  277.  
  278. >Tom ran up and tried to grab my sword, but I held onto it, and the two of us started wresting over the blade. We continued this competition for a good thirty seconds, until the tip of my blade cut Tom's cheek, making him shout in pain and release his grip on me.
  279. Tom's a little bitch.
  280.  
  281. >As he did, I lost my balance and I fell over the cliff, free falling to the water.
  282. Good riddance. Wait, 300k, I forgot. Shit.
  283.  
  284. >Before my body hit the water, my vision was blinded by a white blur of light, engulfing my entire body. I opened my eyes and saw I was in some kind of...void.
  285. That's the contents of your cranium.
  286.  
  287. >I didn't know what was going to happen to me
  288. Sure you did. That's why you brought all those things with you before you left.
  289.  
  290. >but I hope it will be for the better. I closed my eyes, and allowed darkness to take hold of me...
  291. You merely adopted the dark. I was raised by it. Molded by it...
  292.  
  293.  
  294.  
  295. >"WHAT THE FUCK TOM!?" Will shouted.
  296. Shut up, Will.
  297.  
  298. >"SHUT UP WILL!" Tom screamed back.
  299. Both of you. Shut up.
  300.  
  301. >"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ANNOYING AS SHIT TO ME, HE NEVER DESERVED A DEATH SENTENCE!"'
  302. Yes, he did. Gary just has your mind filled with his Stu-ness to make you think otherwise.
  303.  
  304. >"HE HAD IT COMING TO HIM!"
  305. He did.
  306.  
  307. >"Uh, Guys?" Chuck said to the two.
  308. >"WHAT!?"
  309. >The two fell silent when they saw a police officer glaring angrily at the three men.
  310. And not taking the gun out of Tom's dumb ass hand. Or doing anything remotely similar to law enforcement protocol. I'm pretty sure dressing up in a cop disguise is a federal offense.
  311.  
  312. >"Oh fuck." Tom muttered under his breath.
  313. Soon, Tom, your asshole will be almost as loose as Gary's.
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