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- (Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
- Bashing Lori’s head
- With a bust of Abe Lincoln.
- One swing and she’s dead.
- Smashed her skull right in.
- Head wound gushing blood
- On the office floor
- It’s messy but I don’t have to worry anymore, cuz
- Lori’s dead,
- Lori’s dead,
- She just had to go.
- She was gonna tell my wife, I couldn’t let her know, Ohh,
- Lori’s dead
- Fractured head
- Now she’ll never tell!
- I’ve kept my secret safe but now condemned myself to Hell!
- (to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree)
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- You truly are a Godsend.
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- You help me make a life end.
- I lift you up
- And bring you down
- Crashing upon
- Sweet Lori’s crown.
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- That head wound’s not too shoddy.
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- Oh, Lincoln Bust,
- Now to get rid of the body.
- (to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)
- Lori the Intern
- Was a hopeful, happy soul.
- With a pure, sweet smile
- And a button-nose,
- Politics was her life’s goal.
- Joe ran for Congress
- And he won re-election.
- A smart, young representative
- He was up to have some fun.
- There must have some magic there when Joe and Lori met.
- Because it didn’t take Joe long to make her pussy wet.
- So Joe and Lori started to have an affair.
- In closets for brooms,
- And in hotel rooms,
- Carried on without a care.
- First Lori loved it,
- Then she felt the awful guilt
- Her affair with Joe
- Threatened to blow
- Up the family he had built.
- So Lori told Joe to end it or she’d tell his wife.
- Joe picked up a bust of Lincoln and ended her life.
- With her head smashed in,
- Lori’s corpse fell to the floor.
- Her head gushing blood
- In a grisly flood
- Of stomach-churning gore.
- Now you’d think Joe was
- In a penitentiary,
- But instead Joe
- Has his own morning show
- On MSNBC.
- (to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- In two thousand and one.
- Her name was Lori Klausutis,
- Her name was Lori Klausutis,
- Her name was Lori Klausutis,
- Died in two thousand-one.
- They had an affair, she said she would tell
- So Joe decided to kill her
- In two thousand and one.
- He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
- He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
- He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
- And he caved in her skull.
- So now there was a dead body,
- So now there was a dead body,
- So now there was a dead body,
- On Joe’s office floor
- He call in a friend
- Who was an M.E.
- Together they covered it up,
- The murder of Lori.
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
- In two thousand and one.
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