Hillarious Tips for Success

Tip #1: If a midget ever tells you, I'm not happy, ask them, then which one are you?
Tip #2: If asked which child is yours while standing by a playground at the park, reply with, "I haven't decided yet..."
Tip #3: To make sure no boys will ever write poems about your daughter, name her Orange.
Tip #4: When a kid makes faces at you through his bus window, follow him home and make faces at him from his bedroom window at night.
Tip #5: You are what you eat. Eat skinny people.
Tip #6: If the cops are flashing their lights at you, they want to see just how fast you can really drive. Impress them.
Tip #7: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Tip #8: Live with your parents until you are 28. Get a fake tan and hair gel. Call MTV.
Tip #9: Write bad songs, sing them horribly and brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.
Tip #10: When a woman is upset with you it is often therapeutic for them to make sandwiches. Try suggesting she make you one.
Tip #11: When going on a date, always bring along a weird, creepy friend of yours. That way you'll seem really cool in comparison.
Tip #12: Always answer your cell phone at the movie theater. It shows the other guests that you are popular and well-liked and in turn, they will like you.
Tip #13: If you're getting a lot of mosquito bites, try injecting poison into your bloodstream so the mosquitoes die upon biting you.
Tip #14: When running from a bear, make sure you are with someone else who runs slower than you.
Tip #15: When flying, tell everyone on the plane that you don't have a bomb. This will help to put their minds at rest.
Tip #16: To attract females, bathe in Axe daily, girls love the pungent odor of puberty.
Tip #17: When on a first date, always bring a list of your past relationships, and what you liked and disliked about them. This way your future partner will know what to work on.
Tip #18: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars, or the unimaginable, hideous, gaping void of space... one of the two.
Tip #19: When you know the answer to a question in class, be sure to wave your hand wildly and make noises of urgency. Your classmates will appreciate your eagerness to enlighten them with your knowledge.
Tip #20: Put a dollar sign somewhere in your name and start singing. You'll become famous in no time.
Tip #21: To burn calories, light fat people on fire.
Tip #22: When people block you on Twitter or Facebook, they're just playing hard to get.
Tip #23: To make easy cash, set up a lemonade stand in a busy place. Perhaps in the middle of a highway.
Tip #24: Eat twice the daily recommended calories. It will make you twice as healthy.
Tip #25: Vote Sarah Palin for president in 2012. Everyone needs some laughs before the world ends.
Tip #26: Whenever you approach a fork in the road, pick it up. Littering is a felony.
Tip #27: Be a total douche to all girls. This will ensure that you never get stuck in the friend zone.
Tip #28: In the winter, metal poles taste like candy. Don't hesitate to lick them.
Tip #29: Say no to drugs, it'll drive the price down.
Tip #30: Go to Black Friday sale. Bring pepper spray.
Tip #31: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. After asking a girl out, avoid any contact with her for several months.
Tip #32: Take revenge; crap on a pigeon.
Tip #33: When downloading large files, turn your computer screen on its side to increase the speed of the progress bar.
Tip #34: If somebody is lying on the floor in pain, crying, and you have a cell phone, lodging the phone in their throat will often stop the crying.
Tip #35: For the sake of staying well-mannered, using an object instead of your bare hand to hit an old lady is perfectly acceptable.
Tip #36: If you spill water onto your phone or laptop, try microwaving it for a couple of minutes to dry it out.
Tip #37: Police have a lot of down-time. Call 911 frequently to keep them on their toes.
Tip #38: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. You will get blood in your food.
Tip #39: Constantly insult and belittle people. It will make them appreciate compliments more.
Tip #40: To protect your eyes from the sun's harmful rays, apply sunscreen to your eyes.
Tip #41: Stab everyone you know with a wooden stake to make sure they aren't vampires.
Tip #42: if a girl turns you down, apply more Axe.
Tip #43: When talking to a foreign person, try to talk with their accent. It will increase the probability of them understanding you.
Tip #44: Don't draw on people's faces unless you are absolutely sure that they're sleeping or too slow to catch you.
Tip #45: When driving, keep in mind that STOP is an acronym for Slight Tap On Pedal.
Tip #46: Periodically ask your wife if she can still fit into her wedding dress. This will make her appreciate how long you've been married.
Tip #47: It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, as long as refills are free.
Tip #48: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Feed your enemies poisoned ice cream.
Tip #49: Have conversations with the snakes at a zoo. People will be impressed and think you are a wizard.
Tip #50: Eating toilet paper will eliminate the need to wipe after you use the restroom.
Tip  #51: Make sure you wear tight, low cut clothes when you meet your boyfriend's parents for the first time. They need to inspect and approve of the body that will be housing their unborn grandchildren.
Tip  #52: If you want to be taken more seriously, never blink.
Tip  #53: Grab fries from your best friend's plate. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb calories if you take it from another person's plate.
Tip #54: To avoid dealing with your period every month, simply get pregnant as often as possible.
Tip  #55: When playing pool, try to get the 8 ball in before any other balls. It's bonus points.
Tip  #56: Keep your girlfriend clinically obese. It will prevent her from running away.
Tip #57: Have your significant other's name tattooed on yourself to make the relationship permanent.
Tip #58: Keep screaming "Lumos!" until someone turns the light off for you.
Tip #59: When pulled over by a cop, be sure to ask him if he's that guy from the Village People.
Tip #60: If you ask a woman if she's pregnant, and it turns out she isn't, tell her that she's about to be. This will defuse the awkwardness of the situation.
Tip #61: To save time on giving your child "the talk," just let them sift through your spam folder.
Tip #62: To avoid paying for overpriced food at movie concession stands, hide candy in your fat rolls.
Tip #63: Always keep a baseball bat in your car for emergencies. You never know when you'll have to play an emergency game of baseball.
Tip #64: If your girlfriend tells you that she feels empty inside, tell her to try eating something.
Tip #65: When doing a class presentation speak with a heavy accent. If they don't understand what you are saying, they won't ask questions.
Tip #66: Turn up the volume when watching women's tennis, it will make your neighbors think you're getting laid.
Tip #67: When in doubt, ask the voices inside your head.
Tip #68: The best way to make someone feel very important is to try to assassinate them.
Tip #69: If you cut yourself on your neck, the cuts will act like gills and you will be able to breathe underwater.
Tip #70: Put air quotes around random words. People "will" appreciate your fresh take on communicating.
Tip #71: Doodling looks a lot like taking notes.
Tip #72: Dressing up like a clown and chasing girls around will show them that you are both funny and athletic.
Tip #73: Women like men that are mysterious. Always wear a mask.
Tip #74: Whenever you’re having a bad day, just imagine the person that caused it wearing Crocs.
Tip #75: A chapter a day keeps illiteracy away.
Tip #76: The best day to ask girls out is April Fool's Day. That way if she says no, you can act like you were joking.
Tip #77: Live every day like it's your last... and who does laundry on the last day they're alive?
Tip #78: You always get ready faster if you wake up late...therefore never set an alarm to ensure record speeds getting ready in the morning.
Tip #79: To let your fellow students know you value their hard work, look at their answers during tests
Tip #80: To get to Hogwarts, run into the walls at train stations. If people give you funny looks, it's only because they're jealous muggles.
Tip #81: Occasionally think "I know you can read my thoughts," just in case.
Tip #82: An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if you throw it really, really hard.
Tip #83: Correcting peoples' grammar and spelling on Facebook will make you seem scholarly and intelligent.
Tip #84: When trying to finish a boring book, imagine Morgan Freeman reading it to you.
Tip #85: Don't tease fat kids, they have enough on their plates.
Tip #86: Make your dying words, "I hid it in South America."
Tip #87: Never knock, people love being surprised.
Tip #88: To see a real 3D movie, watch a play.
Tip #89: If you can't win the argument, correct their grammar instead.
Tip #90: Be a pessimist, you're always either right or pleasantly surprised.
Tip #91: End every sentence with "according to the prophecy." It will make you seem spiritual, according to the prophecy.
Tip #92: Learn how to spell. Auto correct isn't always write.
Tip #93: To be pretty on the inside too, try eating the makeup.
Tip #94: When called by an unlisted number, answer the phone with a heavy foreign accent and seem confused.
Tip #95: When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.
Tip #96: When you get pulled over by a cop and he says, "papers," respond with "scissors." Not only will you clearly win, he will be impressed by your wit and sense of humor.
Tip #97: If you stare at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.
Tip #98: You can never have too many fanny packs.
Tip #99: To make your own Holy water, boil the Hell out of it.
Tip #100: Instead of giving your significant other flowers to watch die, send flowers to your enemy with a note that reads, "You're next!"
Tip #101: When an old person pokes you at a wedding and says, "your next". Go to funerals poke them back and tell them "your next. They'll appreciate you returning the favor.
Tip #102: Make your dying words, "Respawning in 3...2...1..."
Tip #103: You are what you eat. To remain youthful, eat children.
Tip #104: Don't worry what people think. They don't do it that often.
Tip #105: The first time you see your lover naked, laugh. It helps break the ice.
Tip #106: Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.
Tip #107: Walking very closely to the wall and taking sharp turns around corners is a good way to make friends.
Tip #108: When your significant other asks you to take them somewhere expensive for your anniversary, take them to the gas station and lament about how expensive gas has gotten.
Tip #109: Open the chamber of secrets.
Tip #110: If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say, “In Jesus' name, Amen.”
Tip #111: Don't think of it as kidnapping, think of it as surprise adoption.
Tip #112: Always put your address on your house keys. If lost, they can be returned to you without trouble.
Tip #113: Sing the Pink Panther theme song when stealing things. This raises your stealth ability by 50%.
Tip #114: It takes over 40 muscles to frown at someone in disappointment, and only 4 muscles to reach out and slap them. Do the math.
Tip #115: If your roommate catches you masturbating, say something friendly to avoid awkwardness, like "Hey! I was just thinking about you!"
Tip #116: "Charlie Sheen" is an acceptable punch line to any joke you forget the ending of.
Tip #117: Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Tip #118: If your parents have company coming over, make sure you clean your room. It will be the first place they want to see and will judge you harshly if anything is out of place.
Tip #119: Right before opening a soda bottle or can, shake it vigorously to mix all the flavor together, therefore making your drink taste better and more satisfying.
Tip #120:˙ʎɐqə uo pɹɐoqʎəʞ ɐ ʎnq ɹəʌəu.
Tip #121: When conversing with a British person, speak only about tea or they won't understand you.
Tip #122: Get married on February 29th. This way you only have to buy your wife flowers once every four years.
Tip #123: Nothing says "I love you" like a plastic heart-shaped balloon that says "I love you."
Tip #124: Never assume the glass door is open.
Tip #125: If you and your friend run into a bear in the woods and you only have one bullet left in your gun, shoot your friend in the leg.
Tip #126: Violence is not the answer, unless the question is, "what rhymes with silence and starts with a V?"
Tip #127: Never tell a girl you like her, it makes you look like an idiot.
Tip #128: Don't make a dancer mad. They can kick your face no matter how tall you are.
Tip #129: Only befriend vegetarians. There is much less of a chance of them eating you during a zombie apocalypse.
Tip #130: To prove your knowledge about days of the week, write a song about "Friday."
Tip #131: If you can't get a hot guy to go out with you, throw dates at him. Then you can tell people you dated a hot guy.
Tip #132: If you feel like doing work, sit down and wait. The feeling will go away soon.
Tip #133: Never take a bullet for anyone. If you have time to jump in front of the person, they have time to move.
Tip #134: The best way to stay safe in a dangerous neighborhood is to walk down the street mumbling to yourself and twitching. No one will mess with you.
Tip #135: Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect it back.
Tip #136: Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Tip #137: Occasionally drop "no pun intended" into a conversation when there really is no pun, just enjoy the confused look on everyones faces... no pun intended.
Tip #138: Don't think of killing someone as murder; think of it as a delayed abortion.
Tip #139: Pictures are worth a thousand words, especially during essays.
Tip #140:  For an unbiased view of current events, turn to Fox News.
Tip #141: Give up homework for lent. Teachers can't fail you for religious reasons.
Tip #142: When he says "I love you," simply reply with "thanks!" Boys love that.
Tip #143: Make up your own words and use them as often as possible. People will snoodle your creativity.
Tip #144: Keep smoking, it'll help you lose weight, one lung at a time.
Tip #145: When playing with grenades, be sure to stand near Bruno Mars.
Tip #146: When a friend calls themselves ugly, agreeing with them will show them that you value their opinion.
Tip #147: If you dislike your village, go live in the jungle. You'll find singing bears and friendly panthers who will feed you.
Tip #148: If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling hot water down your throat.
Tip #149: Don't judge a book by its movie.
Tip #150: If you see your ex running around screaming while covered in blood, stay calm, take a breath, and reload.
Tip #151: While being mugged, shout "Swiper no swiping!"
Tip #152: It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty, just as long as you drink it through a crazy straw.
Tip #153: Say "PEE-KAH" before sneezing.
Tip #154: If someone ever makes you upset remember that eventually that person will die.
Tip #155: To remember your wife's birthday, forget it once.
Tip #156: When making a rap song, always yell your name at the beginning of the song. Otherwise, people listening will have no other way to figure out the artist.
Tip #157: To save money, instead of using tampons simply wear red jeans.
Tip #158: When doing the laundry, mix the whites and colors. This will show that you are not racist.
Tip #159: Tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling, it's cheaper than a smoke alarm.
Tip #160: When you accidentally bump into someone at the mall, respond with,"Excuse me, Earthling."
Tip #161: Looking for a quick way to burn fat? Try pushing a chubby kid into an oven.
Tip #162: Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line...
Tip #163: When working on a test you may come across a question you don't know the answer to. Instead of skipping it, write, "Isn't it obvious?" and then move on.
Tip #164: When depressed, remind yourself that you were the one that made it through the condom
Tip #165: To avoid oversleeping, simply place a set mouse trap on top of your snooze button.
Tip #166: Give up lent for lent.
Tip #167: Be bad. Only the good die young.
Tip #168: If you're ugly, move to England, pick up an accent, and then move back home.
Tip #169: When you ask someone to borrow a tampon, make sure to return it. It's proper etiquette.
Tip #170: Say "the" in front of words like YouTube and Facebook, it will make you sound hip and modern.
Tip #171: To improve your math students' productivity, strap time bombs to their chests and hide the unlocking combination in one of the answers.
Tip #172: Make bomb jokes in the airport. Security loves that kind of light humor because of their stressful jobs.
Tip #173: When at a funeral, instead of saying "I'm sorry," make things interesting and say "I apologize."
Tip #174: When life gives you dilemmas, make dilemmonaide.
Tip #175: Celebrate Columbus day by invading someone else's house and telling them you live there now.
Tip #176: Butcher the National Anthem at the Super Bowl and sound terrible while doing it.
Tip #177: Tell everyone you have a six-pack. Then quietly add "...of crayons."
Tip #178: Staring at the sun for prolonged periods of time will give you the ability to see aliens.
Tip #179: Need to lose weight? Cover everything you eat in butter. That way, it will slide through your digestive system without the calories being absorbed.
Tip #180: Don't sleep on a full stomach. Sleep on a bed like a normal person.
 Tip #181: Make to-do list of tasks you have already completed. Cross them off. Feel accomplished.
Tip #182: When a cop pulls you over for speeding and asks how fast you think you were driving, the correct answer is always, "not as fast as you were driving to catch up to me."
Tip #183: There will always be one person better than you at everything. Find this person and kill them before anyone figures it out.
Tip #184: Never go to sleep angry. Instead, stay up all night and plot your revenge.
Tip #185: Wearing your underwear over your pants is the first step to becoming a superhero. Or an idiot
Tip #186: If someone wants to be just like Harry Potter, kill their parents and lock them in a cupboard under your stairs.
Tip #187: When job interviewers ask you about your previous experience, they mean sexually. Be specific.
Tip #188: Be nice to people who have nude pictures of you.
Tip #189: If you drop your popsicle on the floor, be sure to rinse it in hot water to kill any germs.
Tip #190: Alcohol kills germs. Drink plenty to keep your insides clean.
Tip #191: Drink smart water and eat nerds candies the night before a test instead of studying.
Tip #192: When life gives you lemons, squirt life in the face, then take life's wallet.
Tip #193: Rip off your shirt. Act like a wolf. Girls love it.
Tip #194: When in a fight on Facebook and you don't have a comeback, correct their grammar.
Tip #195: If someone you like tells you you're beautiful, tell them they are ugly. Opposites attract.
Tip #196: The best way to make someone feel very important is to try to assassinate them.
Tip #197: If an old guy offers you candy and a ride, always say yes. It's probably Willy Wonka.
Tip #198: To ensure the surprise birthday party you planned for your girlfriend is really a surprise, ignore her on her actual birthday, and throw the party two months later.
Tip #199: If the hot guy at school is moody, sleepy-looking and avoiding you, be sure to follow him. He is most definitely a vegetarian vampire and is SO into you.
Tip #200: To check that your bottle of pepper spray is full and working, lightly mist your face with it.
Tip #201: Time is money. Steal clocks.
Tip #202: When your parents make you do the dishes, break a few in the process. They won't ask you to do the dishes anymore.
Tip #203: In order to make it seem like you have a life, go offline for a few hours.
Tip #204: Remain calm and call Batman.
Tip #205: To ensure proper ventilation, make sure you poke plenty of holes in all of your condoms.
Tip #206: If your significant other calls you "baby," break up with them immediately. It reveals underlying pedophiliac tendencies.
Tip #207: To protect the rest of the population, take a bite out of every fruit and vegetable at the supermarket to ensure they are not poisoned. The managers will be so impressed by your bravery, they will arrange an honorary police escort to take you home.
Tip #208: Start a company that sells hearing aids. Make the volume on your commercials super low.
Tip #209: Run to Canada. They'll be busy searching Mexico.
Tip #210: If your computer is starting to slow down, give it some water. It is probably experiencing dehydration.
Tip #211: To get into college avoid being a middle class Caucasian.
Tip #212: Tell a girl that you've recently become more attracted to her. Then explain it's because she's gained so much weight that her gravitational pull exceeds that of earth's.
Tip #213: When signing up for a dating website, make your username, "Little Kid Lover" to show women that you are serious about starting a family.
Tip #214: If a huge boulder is about to fall on your head pull out a piece of paper. Paper beats rock.
Tip #215: To save time, try taking your medication for the month all at once.
Tip #216: Like your own statuses on Facebook.
Tip #217: In the memo field of all your checks write, "For smuggling cocaine." The bank tellers will love your sense of humor and probably send you free money.
Tip #218: Join the dark side... black is a slimming color.
Tip #219: On a hike through the wilderness, always bring a compass. It's incredibly awkward to have to eat your friends.
Tip #220: Get a dog instead of having children. A ruined rug is better than a ruined life.
Tip #221: Staring at the sun for prolonged periods of time will give you the ability to see aliens.
Tip #222: When looking for your kidnapped girlfriend, always start with the closest castle and go on from there. She couldn't possibly be in the giant, intricate, heavily-guarded castle that's home to the very person you know took her.
Tip #222: Rip off your shirt. Act like a wolf. Girls love it.
Tip #223: Make sure to yell "shotgun" to the cop arresting you to insure that you get the front seat.
Tip #224: When signing up for a dating website, make your username, "Little Kid Lover" to show women that you are serious about starting a family.
Tip #225: In the memo field of all your checks write, "For smuggling cocaine." The bank tellers will love your sense of humor and probably send you free money.
Tip #226: Instead of telling a girl to shut up, say that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Tip #227: Use multicolored duct tape, it makes the hostages feel more at home.
Tip #228: Always store a secret emergency doughnut in your car in case you ever get pulled over.
Tip #229: Wear short-shorts. Girls like it when guys are confident.
Tip #230: It's not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.
Tip #1. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
Tip #2. Change Facebook name to "No One." Like people's statuses...
Tip #3. Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle. Drink it in public.
Tip #4. Go to Ikea. Hide in wardrobe. When someone opens wardrobe yell "FOR NARNIA!!!!!!!!"
Tip #5. Change iPod name to "The Titanic." Download new songs. Be amused by the fact that the Titanic is syncing.
Tip #6. Find a cookie. Tell yourself that eating the cookie is a bad idea. Eat the cookie anyway. Regret eating the cookie. Deal with guilt by eating more cookies.
Tip #7. Tell kids we are going to Disney Land. Drive kids to old burnt out factory. Tell kids Disney Land burned down.
Tip #8. Build a time machine. Kill people who invented math.
Tip #9. Hike in a national park. See a double rainbow. Break down crying. Have orgasm. Make YouTube video.
Tip #10. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
Tip #11. Make elaborate Hogwarts rejection letters. Put in mailboxes of my enemies.
Tip #12. Break personal record for days without dying.
Tip #13. Find out whose cruel idea it was to put an "s" in the word "lisp." Give them a high-five.
Tip #14. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
Tip #15. Spray a mosquito with mosquito repellent. Laugh because he will never have any friends.
Tip #16. Find out what color a chameleon is while it's on a mirror.
Tip #17. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
Tip #18. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
Tip #19. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
Tip #20. Kill everyone that stands in the way of world peace.
Tip #21. Get grenades. Play a game of catch with Bruno Mars.
Tip #22. Buy Hannah Montana socks. Step on her face regularly.
Tip #23. Stacy's mom.
Tip #24. Find skittles manufacturer. Introduce them to the color blue.
Tip #25. Go to the beach. Bury metal objects that say "get a life" on them.
Tip #26. Live forever or die trying.
Tip #27. Eat several boxes of cereal. Tell people I'm a cereal killer.
Tip #28. Close browser window. Get a life.
Tip #29. Watch MTV for five minutes. Cry over the death of music.
Tip #30. Read Twilight. Cry over the death of literature.
Tip #31. Feed cat some yarn. Hope it gives birth to mittens.
Tip #32. Buy a turtle. Name it "The Speed of Light." Tell everyone that I can run faster than "The Speed of Light."
Tip #33. Live forever. So far, so good.
Tip #34. Order a glass of melted ice with extra frozen water.
Tip #35. Sit next to the kid in class with a stutter. Yell "remix" when they talk.
Tip #36. Make Where's Waldo book. Exclude Waldo.
Tip #37. Play hide and seek in Ikea.
Tip #38. Open a male lingerie store. Call it "Victor's Secret."
Tip #39. Put bumper sticker on car that reads, "Honk if you have a small penis." Intentionally cut people off in traffic.
Tip #40. Find a burger that actually looks like the one in the commercial.
Tip #41. Attach a sign to a manhole that reads, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle tryouts. Inquire within."
Tip #42. Host party. Serve non-alcoholic beer. See how many people pretend to get drunk.
Tip #43. Roundhouse kick Justin Bieber in the face
Tip #44. Find out why so many wattpad members are fascinated with sex. Realize they are all teenagers.
Tip #45. Place an empty guitar rack in a public space with a sign that reads, "Free air guitars!"
Tip #46. Drown one synchronized swimmer. See what happens to the rest.
Tip #47. Meet a girl named Destiny. Ask her out on a date. Tell everyone that you have a date with Destiny.
Tip #48. Buy a dog. Name it "My Penis". Ask all my neighbors to come look at My Penis.
Tip #49. Talk about Fight Club.
Tip #50. Write a book. Entitle it "A New York Times Best Seller."
Tip #51. Don't vote. Complain about how you wish the government was better.
Tip #52. Get picked up by a white windowless van. Brag to my friends about how a group of random masked men found me attractive.
Tip #53. Go up to a guy in a black trench coat and sunglasses and thank him for saving the human race from the Matrix.
Tip #54. Order a veggie burger with bacon.
Tip #55. Smack kid in the face with bottle of Johnson's No More Tears shampoo. Sue Johnson & Johnson for false advertising.
Tip #56. Go to an orphanage. Start telling "yo mama" jokes.
Tip #57. Remember to tell Gandalf the giant eagle can take frodo to MT. Doom to destroy the ring. There's no need to walk.
Tip #58. Find fat lady. Ask her to sing.
Tip #59. When dead, be buried in a spring-loaded casket full of confetti. Now wait for an archaeologist to have one heck of a day at work, some time in the future.
Tip #60. Meet a cute girl. Listen to her casually mention a boyfriend. Die a little inside.
Tip #61. Get on WebMD. Self-Diagnose. Become the first male with cervical cancer.
Tip #62. Change name to Destiny. Have a child.
Tip #63. Go to a football game. Hold up a sign that reads "The Guy Behind Me Can't See."
Tip #64.Become a Disney channel star. Grow up. Check into rehab.
Tip #65.Go to a fast food place. Tape a sign to the voicebox that says "Broken, please yell!"
Tip #66.Go to another country for college. Take English. Feel extremely smart.
Tip #67.Make plans to stop procrastinating in the future.
Tip #68.Put sign over entrance to an empty auditorium which reads, "Ninja Convention."
Tip #69.Spend thousands of dollars on a Liberal Arts degree. Apply to Starbucks.
Tip #70.Have kids after 2012. Make them watch 2012. Tell your kids "Yup, I survived that..."
Tip #71.Wrap myself in bubble wrap. Walk around holding a sign that says "Free hugs."
Tip #72.Invent time machine. Give time machine to younger self so that I don't have to waste time inventing it.
Tip #73.Go into a store's fitting room. After several minutes yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Tip #74.Hide money in pocket of winter coat. Forget money is there. Get excited when you find the money there come winter time.
Tip #75.Get Female dog. Name her Payback.
Tip #76. Become a woman. Show off as much skin as possible. Complain that guys only like me for my body.
Tip #77. Steal candy from a baby. See how easy it really is.
Tip #78.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Tip #79.Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKAAAA!!"
Tip #80.Pee on tree in backyard. Watch dog freak out when he smells it.
Tip #81.Take a caffeine pill and a sleeping pill before a test. See which one wins.
Tip #82.Walk to pizza store. Order delivery. Get free ride back to your house with pizza.
Tip #83.Tell your kids they can be anyone they want to be when they grow up. Then, explain to them how to commit identity theft.
Tip #84.Buy an elephant. Put in room.
Tip #85.Poke pins through my bully's condoms. Laugh hysterically.
Tip #86. Go to hospital. Get on elevator. Calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Tip #87. Go into a bank wearing a ski mask. Complete a normal transaction. Leave as if nothing is wrong.
Tip #88.Go into a crowded room. Shout, "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?!" Whoever turns around is a bad person.
Tip #89. Find Nemo.
Tip #90.Post a Facebook status expressing everything mean you've always wanted to say. Post another an hour later apologizing on behalf of the very rude person who hacked your account.
Tip #91.Walk up to a random person in the airport. Tell them to not get on the plane. Run away.
Tip #92.Go to Wal-Mart. Enjoy self esteem boost.
Tip #93.Invite British people over. Tell everyone that the British are coming.
Tip #94.Change name to Curiosity. Kill cats.
Tip #95.Jump into a taxi and scream "Follow that car!"
Tip #96.Eat a clown. Find out if they really do taste funny.
Tip #97.Learn Korean. Get pedicure.
Tip #98.Buy an axe. Yell "random axe of kindness" and throw it at someone.
Tip #99.Buy a VW bug. Watch kids punch each other.
Tip #100.Go to the mall. Find a couple making out. Sit next to them and cry.
Tip #101: Eat way too much food. Don't exercise. Blame genetics for making me fat.
Tip #102: Go to a restaurant that I've never been to before and tell the waiter that I want the usual.
Tip #103: Create a machine that pairs socks with their long-lost pair. Make millions.
Tip #104:Choke a smurf. See what colour it turns.
Tip #105:Watch Disney Channel for five minutes. Apologize to Walt for so many things.
Tip #106:Watch lots of House. Diagnose everyone you know with a deadly disease.
Tip #107:Create an ice cream flavor. Name it "Revenge."
Tip #108:Sneak into someones house. Instead of taking their tv or computer, steal all their toilet paper.
Tip #109:Open store next to Forever 21. Name it "Finally 22."
Tip #110:Find someone who thinks people are basically good, kill them.
Tip #111:Fill hands with water. Make sneeze noise behind a stranger and throw water at their back. Comment on how much mucus was in your nose.
Tip #112: Change name to "Google." Insist that I know everything.
Tip #113:Get botox right before going to a funeral. Tell the family how truly sorry I am for their loss.
Tip #114:Ignore millions of years of geologically proven patterns. Freak out about global warming.
Tip #115:Tell ex I still love her. Make out behind the school. Dump her that night.
Tip #116:Empty a bottle of vodka. Fill the bottle with water. Bring it to school and drink in class. Watch the teacher's jaw drop.
Tip #117:Become a teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell students, "you shall not pass!"
Tip #118:Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
Tip #119:Fake an incurable disease. Have a fundraiser for myself. Spend all the money on FarmVille.
Tip #120:Change name to Frank. Start every sentence with "I'm going to be Frank..."
Tip #121:Order diet water.
Tip #122:Become an old man. Wear Speedo. Go to beach.
Tip #123:Throw Snickers bar in only heated pool at club. Have pool all to self.
Tip #124:Become a manager at Subway. Tell female co-workers to get back to making sandwiches.
Tip #125:Go to Barnes and Noble. Put all cook books in the Women's Studies section.
Tip #126:Go to store with sign that says "No shirt, no shoes, no service." Wear no pants.
Tip #127:Replace deodorant with white chocolate. Eat in public.
Tip #128:Divide by zero. Escape math class through the wormhole it creates.
Tip #129:Go to Turkey. Gobble at the locals. Insist I'm speaking thier native language.
Tip #130:Die. Come back as a ghost. Find people I hate. Hide their car keys.
Tip #131:Use idioms that don't relate to anything you're talking about, because a penny saved is a penny earned.
Tip #132:Play Xbox Kinect naked. Share snapshots with friends and family.
Tip #133:Become a doctor. Change last name to Pepper.
Tip #134:Open club in Alaska. Name it "Baby Seals."
Tip #135:Start an animal rights foundation that protests Angry Birds.
Tip #136:Become a skydiving instructor. Pretend the parachute won't open.
Tip #137:Find a wrong way to eat a Reese's.
Tip #138:Become celebrity no one cares about. Go on Dancing With the Stars.
Tip #139:Go to toy section in Wal-Mart. Spin top in the middle of the isle. Walk away and watch passers-by as they start questioning reality.
Tip #140:Wait for history to repeat itself. Get dinosaur as pet.
Tip #141:Send PETA animal crackers. Half eaten.
Tip #142:Pretend to be a telemarketer when a telemarketer calls.
Tip #143:Install clap activated lights at a concert hall.
Tip #144:Make an alcoholic beverage and name it Responsibly. Drink Responisbly.
Tip #145:Destroy the gnome that keeps tangling my iPod headphones.
Tip #146:Plan to be spontaneous.
Tip #147:Go to grocery store. Ask cashier if they are checking me out.
Tip #148:Conceive a child at a Build-A-Bear Workshop. Tell child he was made at Build-A-Bear.
Tip #149:Move to LA. Do drugs. Get sent to rehab. Meet tons of celebrities.
Tip #150:Buy pet. Name it Peeve.
Tip #1. Buy 67 watermelons. When people stare, tell them you are doing research for a math project.
Tip #2. Teach kids that obesity is cool by riding in a wheel chair and getting to the front of the line at Disney World.
Tip #3. Leave a box in the corner of an elevator, when someone gets on, ask them if they hear a ticking noise.
Tip #4. Order college textbooks. Have a moment of silence for your checking account.
Tip #5. Stand in back of crowded elevator. Meow occasionally.
Tip #6. Set out milk and cookies. Wait for revenge. End Christmas forever.
Tip #7. Buy a knife. Name it kindness.
Tip #8. Buy two packs of Skittles. Taste the double rainbow.
Tip #9. Walk into a bar with a Priest and a Rabbi. Observe the bartender's reaction.
Tip #10. Dress up as a seagull, walk around stealing people's chips.
Tip #11. Find a cliff and some friends. Jump.
Tip #12.Get bitten by a radioactive spider. Whine constantly why its hard to be spiderman
Tip #13. Tape a duck with duct tape.
Tip #14.Throw rice at an Asian wedding... find out if it's racist.
Tip #15. Take laxative and anti-diarrhea pills. See which one works better.
Tip #16. Write in to "How It's Made" demanding to see an episode on babies.
Tip #17. Stand in a crowded elevator. Say "What a strange place for a piano." Watch as people turn around to look for the piano.
Tip #18. Complain about how everything sucks. Do nothing about it.
Tip #19. Talk to bread companies about simply removing the end pieces of each loaf of bread.
Tip #20. At dinner tell kids, "due to the state of the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go." Watch their reactions.
Tip #21. Write "Happy Birthday!" on a random friend's wall. See how many other people follow.
Tip #22. Buy four pigs. Paint 1, 2, 3, and 5 on each pig. Let them loose in a mall and watch security try to find number 4.
Tip #23. Go to library. Move all the women's rights books to the fiction section.
Tip #24. Go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Bring cake.
Tip #25. Shop at Crate and Barrel. Complain that there are no crates or barrels available for purchase.
Tip #26. Become a rapper. Change name to P-Niss. See if anyone laughs.
Tip #27. Sneeze in front of the pope. Get blessed.
Tip #28. Take a midnight train going anywhere.
Tip #29. Dress in hunting attire. Go to local zoo. Watch as people stare ominously.
Tip #30. Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.
Tip #31. Take Liam Neesons daughter. Call him on a cell phone after returning from a jog.
Tip #32. Get a tattoo of the sun on your foot. Constantly walk on sunshine.
Tip #33. Clip a combination lock into the ring of someone with hollow ear gauges. Run away.
Tip #34. Fart in a crowded elevator. Casually ask why it stinks in there.
Tip #35. Wear my sisters jeans, tell everyone I got in her pants.
Tip #36. Push on door for several minutes. Finally read the pull sign.
Tip #37. Become a woman. Mope about not having a boyfriend. Install a detachable, vibrating, shower head.
Tip #1. Dress in hunting attire. Go to local zoo.
Tip #2. Find a sleeping mosquito. Make a buzzing noise to wake it. Enjoy the taste of sweet revenge.
Tip #3. Become as sexy as the guy who sings "Sexy and I know It."
Tip #4. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!"
Tip #5. Watch movie based around a fictional idea. Complain that the movie is unrealistic.
Tip #6. Lose paper. Look everywhere for it. Print out new copy. Find original.
Tip #7. Walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
Tip #8. Fill hands with water. Make sneeze noise behind a stranger and throw water at their back. Comment on how much mucus was in your nose.
Tip #9. Go to a volleyball game. Wait for first serve. Run onto court screaming "WILSON!!!"
Tip #10. Break up with boyfriend. Get another cat.
Tip #11. Call friend. Pretend friend was the one calling me.
Tip #12. Become an old man. Wear Speedo. Go to beach.
Tip #13. Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes into friend's diet coke. After five minutes watch their drink randomly explode and grin with vicious intent.
Tip #14. Stand near automatic door. Request tips.
Tip #15. Start singing "The Wheels on the Bus" on a public bus, and try to get everyone to join in.
Tip #16. Sneeze in front of the pope. Get blessed.
Tip #17. Stand in the middle of a large crowd of people. Point somewhere and yell, "Holy crap! Is that little girl naked?" Shun the ones who turn to look.
Tip #18. Find a rhino. Sign it up to WeightWatchers. Watch it become a unicorn before your very eyes.
Tip #19. Learn to be patient faster. 20. Change name to Frank. Start every sentence with "I'm going to be Frank..."
Tip #21. Look up love in the dictionary. Tell all your friends you've found love.
Tip #22. Go into a public restroom, write down deep thoughts on toilet paper.
Tip #23. Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream, "I'M YOU -- FROM THE FUTURE!!!"
Tip #24. Wear my sisters jeans, tell everyone I got in her pants.
Tip #25. Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Watch their priceless reaction.
Tip #26. Clip a combination lock into the ring of someone with hollow ear gauges. Run away.
Tip #27. Set phone ringtone to crying baby. Place phone in large bag. When phone rings, punch bag and yell "SHUT UP!"
Tip #28. Work in fancy restaurant during Valentines Day. Put fake engagement ring in every girls glass.
Tip #29. Go to airport. Act suspicious at security. Get body cavity search. Smoke cigarette. Say, "Thank you for relieving my sexual tension officers." Walk away and observe the awkward looks.
Tip #30. Spread sparkly glitter all over my body. Go to the mall and stare at everyone like they're a piece of meat.
Tip #31. Stand in an elevator. Every time someone walks in scream that they stepped on my invisible friend.
Tip #32. Go to expensive clothes store. Hide behind racks. Whisper, "you can't afford it" as people walk by.
Tip #33. Go to ex-boyfriend's wedding wearing a long white dress.
Tip #34. Take a midnight train going anywhere.
Tip #35. Play Xbox Kinect naked. Share snapshots with friends and family.
Tip #36. Put baby in the corner.
Tip #37. Jump in taxi and scream "Follow that car!"
Tip #38. Attend Bruno Mars Concert. Bring grenade.
Tip #39. Fill mouth with whip cream. Run through public area screaming "Rabies!"
Tip #40. Go back in time. Find Hitler. Rip off his moustache. Run away laughing.
Tip #41. Watch various made-for-tv Disney movies to find out what life at high school is really like.
Tip #42. Spend a whole day talking in nothing but pure movie quotes.
Tip #43. Move office into elevator. When people get on, ask if they have an appointment.
Tip #44. put yogurt in a mayonnaise jar, and walk around in public and eat it casually with a spoon.
Tip #45. Shoot the sheriff. Don't shoot the deputy.
Tip #46. Fill cup with water. Hold over head. Breathe under water forever.
Tip #47. Go to the airport. Set off the metal detector at security. Tell them that it was probably your abs of steel.
Tip #48. Write in to "How It's Made" demanding to see an episode on babies.
Tip #49. Befriend someone with OCD. Invite them over on cleaning day.
Tip #50. Hire a band to follow me down the street playing Darth Vader's theme.
Tip #51. Refuse the Don's offer.
Tip #52. Imagine a world without hypothetical situations.
Tip #53. Break a mirror with a rabbit's foot.
Tip #54. Get a windshield that is made from my eyeglass prescription. Watch people who get in my car freak out because they can't see anything.
Tip #55. Picture someone mad. Now picture them saying banana.
Tip #56. Become old. Yell at children.
Tip #57. Break into superficial girls house. Steal her lipstick. Replace with super glue.
Tip #58. Glue rug to my feet. Go skydiving. Pretend I am Aladdin.
Tip #59. Get on crowded elevator. Look at someone strangely for few minutes. Scream "You're one of them". Get off on the next floor. Run away screaming "They're here!"
Tip #60. Brag about white supremacy. Go tanning.
Tip #38. Walk away slowly from an explosion without looking back.
Tip #39. Find a "Not loitering" sign. Loiter there.
Tip #40. Find Lady Gaga. Poke her face.
Tip #41. Go to a volleyball game. Wait for first serve. Run onto court screaming "WILSON!!!"
Tip #42. Count the letters in the word "Dyscalculia."
Tip #43. Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes into your friend's diet coke. After five minutes watch their drink will randomly explode.
Tip #44. Learn to be patient faster.
Tip #45. Realize Spiderman is just a teenage boy whose body goes through some changes and starts shooting sticky white goo all over the place.
Tip #46. Put baby in the corner.
Tip #47. Find godfather. Refuse his offer.
Tip #48. Find Robert De Niro. Figure out who was talking to him.
Tip #49. Find someone wearing camouflage. Walk into them. Say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there!"
Tip #50. Have a child. Name it "Drugs." Say no to Drugs.
Tip #1. Dress in hunting attire. Go to local zoo.
Tip #2. Find a sleeping mosquito. Make a buzzing noise to wake it. Enjoy the taste of sweet revenge.
Tip #3. Become as sexy as the guy who sings "Sexy and I know It."
Tip #4. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA!"
Tip #5. Watch movie based around a fictional idea. Complain that the movie is unrealistic.
Tip #6. Lose paper. Look everywhere for it. Print out new copy. Find original.
Tip #7. Walk into Sea World with a fishing pole.
Tip #8. Fill hands with water. Make sneeze noise behind a stranger and throw water at their back. Comment on how much mucus was in your nose.
Tip #9. Go to a volleyball game. Wait for first serve. Run onto court screaming "WILSON!!!"
Tip #10. Break up with boyfriend. Get another cat.
Tip #11. Call friend. Pretend friend was the one calling me.
Tip #12. Become an old man. Wear Speedo. Go to beach.
Tip #13. Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes into friend's diet coke. After five minutes watch their drink randomly explode and grin with vicious intent.
Tip #14. Stand near automatic door. Request tips.
Tip #15. Start singing "The Wheels on the Bus" on a public bus, and try to get everyone to join in.
Tip #16. Sneeze in front of the pope. Get blessed.
Tip #17. Stand in the middle of a large crowd of people. Point somewhere and yell, "Holy crap! Is that little girl naked?" Shun the ones who turn to look.
Tip #18. Find a rhino. Sign it up to WeightWatchers. Watch it become a unicorn before your very eyes.
Tip #19. Learn to be patient faster.
Tip #20. Change name to Frank. Start every sentence with "I'm going to be Frank..."
Tip #21. Look up love in the dictionary. Tell all your friends you've found love.
Tip #22. Go into a public restroom, write down deep thoughts on toilet paper.
Tip #23. Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream, "I'M YOU -- FROM THE FUTURE!!!"
Tip #24. Wear my sisters jeans, tell everyone I got in her pants.
Tip #25. Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Watch their priceless reaction.
Tip #26. Clip a combination lock into the ring of someone with hollow ear gauges. Run away.
Tip #27. Set phone ringtone to crying baby. Place phone in large bag. When phone rings, punch bag and yell "SHUT UP!"
Tip #28. Work in fancy restaurant during Valentines Day. Put fake engagement ring in every girls glass.
Tip #29. Go to airport. Act suspicious at security. Get body cavity search. Smoke cigarette. Say, "Thank you for relieving my sexual tension officers." Walk away and observe the awkward looks.
Tip #30. Spread sparkly glitter all over my body. Go to the mall and stare at everyone like they're a piece of meat.
Tip #31. Stand in an elevator. Every time someone walks in scream that they stepped on my invisible friend.
Tip #32. Go to expensive clothes store. Hide behind racks. Whisper, "you can't afford it" as people walk by.
Tip #33. Go to ex-boyfriend's wedding wearing a long white dress.
Tip #34. Take a midnight train going anywhere.
Tip #35. Play Xbox Kinect naked. Share snapshots with friends and family.
Tip #36. Put baby in the corner.
Tip #37. Jump in taxi and scream "Follow that car!"
Tip #38. Attend Bruno Mars Concert. Bring grenade.
Tip #39. Fill mouth with whip cream. Run through public area screaming "Rabies!"
Tip #40. Go back in time. Find Hitler. Rip off his moustache. Run away laughing.
Tip #41. Watch various made-for-tv Disney movies to find out what life at high school is really like.
Tip #42. Spend a whole day talking in nothing but pure movie quotes.
Tip #43. Move office into elevator. When people get on, ask if they have an appointment.
Tip #44. put yogurt in a mayonnaise jar, and walk around in public and eat it casually with a spoon.
Tip #45. Shoot the sheriff. Don't shoot the deputy.
Tip #46. Fill cup with water. Hold over head. Breathe under water forever.
Tip #47. Go to the airport. Set off the metal detector at security. Tell them that it was probably your abs of steel.
Tip #48. Write in to "How It's Made" demanding to see an episode on babies.
Tip #49. Befriend someone with OCD. Invite them over on cleaning day.
Tip #50. Hire a band to follow me down the street playing Darth Vader's theme.
Tip #51. Refuse the Don's offer
Tip #52. Imagine a world without hypothetical situations.
Tip #53. Break a mirror with a rabbit's foot.
Tip #54. Get a windshield that is made from my eyeglass prescription. Watch people who get in my car freak out because they can't see anything.
Tip #55. Picture someone mad. Now picture them saying banana.
Tip #56. Become old. Yell at children.
Tip #57. Break into superficial girls house. Steal her lipstick. Replace with super glue.
Tip #58. Glue rug to my feet. Go skydiving. Pretend I am Aladdin.
Tip #59. Get on crowded elevator. Look at someone strangely for few minutes. Scream "You're one of them". Get off on the next floor. Run away screaming "They're here!"
Tip #60. Brag about white supremacy. Go tanning.