dumbass wins facade.

FACADE STAGEPLAY
Sun Jul 21 04 29 39 2019

GRACE
Trip, when are you going to get rid of this?

TRIP
What, Grace... this?

GRACE
Yes, you know how I feel about it --

TRIP
I know I know I'll do it right now, alright?!

GRACE
You know I've had to ask you about this several --

TRIP
Get off my back!  I'll get rid of it in just a minute!

GRACE
Fine, Trip... fine...

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Ted!!

(Ted kisses trip.)

TRIP
Hey!  I thought I heard someone out here! Great to see you!  It's been a -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Oh... you're doing the European-style greeting...

TRIP
 we just got back from a trip to Italy, but the men didn't do that with each other... um...

TRIP
Well come on in...

TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

(Ted sits on the couch.)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

GRACE
Ted,

GRACE
Hi!  How are you?  Oh it's so nice to see you, it feels like it's been forever!

TRIP
Yeah, it has been a long time.

GRACE
By the way, you look fabulous!

TED
it's been 10,000 years

GRACE
Uh...

GRACE
So, come in, make yourself at home...

TED
don't close the door

(Trip closes the front door.)

TRIP
Yeah,

TRIP
if there's one thing Grace is really passionate about, it's her decorating...

TED
you meanie

GRACE
What...?

TRIP
Ha...   Ted,  that's why we like you, you're not afraid to give us shit...

GRACE
Ha ha... yeah...  (clears throat) Well I think Trip enjoyed that.

TRIP
So! Drinks!

TED
whoah, languige!

TRIP
We should have something fun,

TRIP
like sangria?

TRIP
Uh, well, I'm just going to make us all some nice sangria.

GRACE
No no,

TED
I'm too young to drink

GRACE
Ted,  maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

TRIP
You know I'm just going to open a bottle of merlot or something,

TED
yes, apple juice please

TRIP
Oh, yeah, you know, I think I'll fix you a real drink in not too long...

TRIP
In terms of drinks...

TRIP
Grace, I assume you want your usual... 'a lovely, very cold glass of Chardonnay'.

GRACE
  Um, I'll have a glass of merlot too.

TRIP
Oh! Uh...  Okay.

GRACE
Yeah,  I'm hoping you can help me understand where I went wrong with my new decorating, ha ha.

TRIP
Oh, Grace, let's not do that.

TRIP
Here Grace, I poured you the first glass.

GRACE
Thanks.

GRACE
So, about my decorating...

GRACE
(little sigh) With this room I was trying for a kind of post modern style... -- (interrupted)

TED
you're decorating is fine, grace

TRIP
See, I told you he would like it!  There's nothing wrong with it.

GRACE
(little sigh)

TRIP
Here's your drink!

(TED gets up from the couch.)

GRACE
(little sigh) So I tried for a certain kind of style in this room...

GRACE
but it is clearly just not happening.  This is a mess.

TRIP
uhh...

TRIP
Well I'll just put this on the bar for you.

GRACE
I'm sure I can return most of this, and try to start over again on this room...

TED
grace, don't try to be perfect

TRIP
Ted,  yeah, Grace, nothing's wrong, everything's fine!

TRIP
Heh heh,    Ted,  seeing you brings back good memories, you know?

GRACE
Yes, it does.   H-mmm (happy smile sound)

(Trip sips his Trip's drink.)

TRIP
Whoa I just realized something!

GRACE
What...

TRIP
We have to celebrate!  Tonight's a special night!

(Grace sips her Grace's drink.)

GRACE
It is?

TRIP
Ted,  remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.

TRIP
Senior year of college!

GRACE
Oh... geez...

TRIP
Remember that?

TED
you were so shy back then trip

TRIP
Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP
Could be.

TRIP
Heh!

GRACE
(little sigh)

GRACE
(big sigh)

GRACE
Oh God,    Ted,  I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...

TRIP
What?

GRACE
Listen to us, we're arguing in front of our friend.

TRIP
Grace, come on, that kind of statement is not helpful...

GRACE
Trip, it's okay if we disagree in front of our friend --

TRIP
We're NOT disagreeing.

TRIP
We're -- we're -- we're not disagreeing.

TRIP
(frustrated sigh) Sheejus.

(Trip shakes the advice ball.)

TRIP
Uh, don't get your hopes up, huh heh heh heh.

TRIP
Ha ha, ha, this crazy thing, always giving me the wrong advice, heh.

GRACE
Trip, would you put away that goddamn toy, you're driving me crazy.

TRIP
Sorry...!

TED
I need to go potty!

(Grace sips her Grace's drink.)

GRACE
Oh, well, please, go look at Trip's Italy photo... -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Uhh, it's a beautiful picture of the Italian -- (interrupted)

GRACE
uh...

GRACE
By the way, anybody, join me on the couch if you like. -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Ted,  this is making you uncomfortable.   See Trip, was it really worth it to fly us all the way to Italy so you could take that inane picture?

GRACE
  (little sigh) I'll take the picture down later tonight before I go to bed.

TRIP
Grace...!

TRIP
(short petulant sigh)

TRIP
Ted,  this trip to Italy was meant to be our second honeymoon.

GRACE
Oh, was that what it was?  Huh, I'm always the last to know.

TRIP
Grace, I wanted us to spend some time together...!

GRACE
Trip thinks carting me off to Europe will, how did you put it, thaw me out a little bit?

TRIP
Uhh, you're driving me insane!

GRACE
Ahh, no, I'm the one going insane!

GRACE
Thaw me out...

GRACE
Trip, you think you're so romantic... but no you're trying to manipulate me!

TRIP
(little impatient sigh) -- (interrupted)

TED
uh oh, I wet myself. :(

GRACE
What?  I -- what are you saying to me?

TRIP
Goddamn italy...

TRIP
I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant!  I do, I really try!

GRACE
Oh, sure, yeah!

GRACE
Okay, you know what,     Ted,

GRACE
I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace --

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

TRIP
Ted,  where are you going?  Don't leave, we need your help here!

GRACE
Ted,  yes or no...

GRACE
Do you think it's _wrong_ for one person in a marriage to listen _too much_ to the other?

TRIP
What?

GRACE
To trust your husband or wife too much, to rely on them too much?  Is that wrong?

TED
no

GRACE
What...?!

GRACE
Oh, okay... fine...

GRACE
Goddammit!  How can I be happy when you act this way, Trip?  Huh? I'm miserable!

TED
banana

TRIP
Oh, come on...!

TRIP
Uhh!  Yeah, go on, get away from me!

TRIP
I can't frigging take this!

TRIP
Goddammit, Grace!

TRIP
uhh!

TED
stop cursing please.

TRIP
What are you saying to me?!  W -- what?

GRACE
What, I can't hear you, are you talking to me?

TRIP
What's it to you?

TRIP
Ted,  this is not normal, this has never happened.

TRIP
uhh...

TED
I'm not normal.

GRACE
Ted,  (annoyed sigh) Trip is sometimes so...

TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?

GRACE
What?

GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,

GRACE
 you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!

TRIP
What?

GRACE
If it weren't for you, I could be a real artist by now.

TRIP
Uhh...    Ted,  uhh...

TRIP
Look around here. We're doing well, really well.

TED
this town is so beutifull.

GRACE
God, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
See Grace. Our friend knows a good life when he sees it.

GRACE
You both...  uhh...

GRACE
Let's continue focusing on Trip.

TRIP
Ted,  look around this apartment. It's got everything anyone would ever want. But, Grace, oh no, she's never satisfied.

GRACE
Trip, ... ugh ... I'm so sick of this.

TRIP
Well, heh, I -- I mean, we -- heh -- we -- we've got everything...

GRACE
Trip, you just don't... uhh.

TRIP
Ted,  if there's something about me, just tell me what it is!

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.

GRACE
No, it's true...

TED
I don't know you two enough.

TRIP
See Grace, that's ridiculous. The only thing I'm afraid of is their bad taste might rub off on us... ha ha!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TED
I have no way to help

TRIP
Let's talk some more about us both.

TRIP
You know what makes me so angry?

GRACE
What?

TRIP
How you've so conveniently forgotten how much you used to actually hate painting!

GRACE
Ted,  I -- I -- uhh...!

TED
don't try to justify to me

GRACE
No?

GRACE
No, Trip, you don't get it, I -- I -- I don't hate painting, I...

GRACE
You know, I... uhh... I really don't have anyone to talk to...

TRIP
Grace...!

GRACE
Heh, my so-called 'friends', they're just jealous of us, if you can believe that...

TRIP
Ted,  we... uhh...

TRIP
Grace, we don't -- we don't have to do this... things are okay, we can just --

GRACE
Ted,  I can't stand the pretending anymore... I can't take it!

TED
you two need to go to time out.

TRIP
No, Grace, we can... I mean, come on, don't make it out to be so bad...

GRACE
Uhh...

TRIP
Ted,  explain this to me!

TRIP
No, I want us to focus on Grace.

TRIP
Grace, I don't think you really do want us to quit our jobs, lead a simpler lifestyle.

GRACE
What? Trip, you know what I --

TRIP
Oh come on! You grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth. You can't live any other way.

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

GRACE
Ted,  you -- you blame me for all this, don't you?

TED
you two should calm down.

TRIP
See, I don't think you really want to be an artist.   -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Ah!

GRACE
Ted,  you're saying I'm... depressed?

GRACE
I miss painting.

TRIP
Huh?

GRACE
It's an ache, deep down.   You could never understand that, Trip.

TRIP
Ted,  this is about Grace, not me.

TED
stop putting words in my mouth

TRIP
Hey, no, it's just going to make this whole thing even worse if you keep criticizing me!

TRIP
Look, let's talk about us both, not just one of us.

TRIP
It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

GRACE
Trip...

TRIP
  Like I always have to convince you?

GRACE
Ted,  you know, we... uhh... -- (interrupted)

TED
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

TRIP
It's just never easy with you, Grace, and it wears me down.

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

GRACE
Let's keep talking about us, our relationship.

TRIP
Grace, I -- I want to take care of you...

GRACE
Trip...

GRACE
Trip...    Ted,  we... uhh...

TRIP
You've always wanted that, I know you did...

TED
trip, please change me.

GRACE
No, please don't take sides, it's going to do more harm than good!

GRACE
Let's talk some more about Trip.

TRIP
Grace, you know I've never wanted anyone but you...

GRACE
  No?

TED
my pants are wet.

GRACE
Well... uhh... this is the first time you've actually come out and said that, Trip.

GRACE
Let's keep our focus on Trip.

TRIP
Grace, c'mon, we can go back to the way it was when we started out, we were happy...!

GRACE
Were we?

TRIP
  Y - y... yes!

TRIP
Ted,  yes!

TRIP
Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!!

TRIP
Ted,  I know what you're trying to hint at...

TED
stop cussing

TRIP
about me...

TRIP
No,     Ted,  hold on, hold on, let me speak!

TRIP
Do you two want the truth?  Huh?

TRIP
Ted,  are you ready to hear it?

TED
no

TRIP
Grace?

GRACE
Yes...!

TRIP
See,    Ted,  I've been paying attention to what you've been saying tonight.

TRIP
You've been pushing me tonight.

TRIP
It makes me wonder if you're really my friend or not.

GRACE
Trip!

TRIP
Ted,  I ask you this -- yes or no...

TRIP
Do you really think that...

TED
no means no trip!

TRIP
criticizing Grace...

TRIP
praising Grace...

TRIP
criticizing me...

TRIP
saying that Grace is depressed...

TRIP
and what you said about giving advice to your wife...

TRIP
and you don't even say 'yes' when I ask you if you want the truth...

TRIP
that it's all supposed to make me realize something about myself?

TED
I never said any advice

TRIP
No?  Oh... I'm surprised, I would have said yes, it did mean something.

TRIP
All -- alright... look...     (big sigh)

TRIP
Ted,  Everything's fine... we're -- we're not... uhh... we're fine.

GRACE
Yeah... yeah.

TRIP
I think it's -- it's okay if you -- if you... n -- need to go...

TRIP
Look,    Ted,  we're fine, nothing's changed...  we'll see you out.

TED
best of luck you two.

TRIP
And no you, you -- you don't have to be nice anymore, heh, we're -- we're fine...

GRACE
Thank for you coming over, it was... nice.

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Alright, so, um, we'll, we'll, we'll -- we'll see you, at some point, stay in touch, alright?

TED
I didn't help in the slightest, sorry.

GRACE
Good night...