Jason Statham please make this movie

SCENE
A man fiercely masturbating while staring out a window in his New York apartment. He is completely naked. The room has an appearance that would immediately reek of burning meth.
Cops break in, all pointing guns at the masturbateur.
The man, still cranking his shank to something outside, looks at the camera.
​record scratch​
Narrator: Yep. That's me. I bet you wonder why I'm in this situation. Sit back, and I'll tell you.

NEXT SCENE
The man, having had his face obscured by a ski mask in the initial scene, is revealed to actually be Jason Statham doing his best (or possibly worst) Sean Connery impression, sounding almost like Bane from the Dark Knight Rises.
He is currently laying on a surgery table, almost naked, with wires going from a hole in his chest into his crotch.
Narrator: That's also me.
Cue montage of various criminal events involving Statham and a group of men of vaguely Caribbean nationality.
Narrator: You see, I'm not a particularly good guy, been in some bad deals, been in some good ones. This time I really screwed the pooch.
Cue camera panning to Statham attempting to have sex with a woman in a fursuit, of similar nationality to one of the older men.
Narrator: Literally. That's daughter of this drug lord. She had a nice body, was into some weird shit but I'm weirder, so I didn't mind.
Cut back to Statham on the operating table.
Narrator: The drug lord decided to invest in some old, weird science he got from a guy from the USSR to punish me. He liked weird punishments. There's a motor built into my chest, replacing my heart. It lasts about thirty minutes after fully charging, but I can only charge it...
By masturbating.
TITLE REVEAL:
WANK

SCENE TRANSITION
Statham, still unnamed in the movie, slams a random man, dressed entirely in faux-Adidas-wear into a wall, holding a gun to his chin.
Statham: What the Hell do you mean he's gone?!
Man: He's gone! He took your heart, the table, everything!
Statham: Well where the bloody Hell did he go!?
Man: He said something about a plane trip to Australia!
Statham: And ​when​ did he plan on this?
Man: Twenty minutes ago!
Statham: MY BLOODY SURGERY WAS DUE TWENTY MINUTES AGO!
In a fit of rage, Statham shoots the man. Blood paints the walls. Immediately, Statham regrets this decision.
Statham: Oh for fuck's sa-
His chest beeps. It's a warning. Motor's running out of power.
Statham: God damn it, Pedro, it was ​one​ time.
Statham proceeds to reach down off-camera, implied to be jacking off violently, obviously in a hurry.
Statham: God damn it, I can't do it with just imagination. I need something!
Looking around, he can only seem to find a magazine with Queen Elizabeth's face on it, or a similar-looking woman.
Statham: ...God save the freakin' Queen, here we go!

Scene 2.5
Statham, still masturbating like a 12 year old boy first discovering his sexuality while looking at the Queen, spots another Russian gopnik trying to run out of the warehouse.
Statham: God damn it I'm only half-cocked here!
Taking his hand out of his pants, Statham rushes after the thug, resulting in an on-foot chase scene.
After much running, tripping, and occasional pauses for Statham to give himself a quick yank or two in order to keep himself going, Statham sees the punk running towards a van. Seems to be the last moving van for the doctor.
Statham draws his pistol, trying to shoot down the runner before he can reach the van. He manages to hit the creep in the ankle, causing one of the guards of the van to draw his own pistol and start shooting back, as the slav is dragged into the van and they drive off.
Looking around, Statham can only find a moped. He then looks at the camera
Statham: I'd rather run. I really would.
However, after ten seconds of staring, he simply sighs and gets onto the moped, speeding off at a rapid 25 miles per hour. Thankfully, the warehouse section is a tad mazelike, allowing for Statham to catch up to the punks in ample time. He masturbates as he does so.

SCENE 3: VEHICLE CHASE
As the van busts through the right tollbooth out of the warehouse lot, Statham slams front-first into the left one, breaking it as he drives. He's okay, folks!
Finally putting away his dick just long enough to try and attack the van, he begins shooting at the wheels. Reloading is for people who aren't Jason Statham.
Obviously, gunfire between the two vehicles draws police attention, causing a three-faction chase through the city. At the front are the Soviet gangsters, in the middle is Statham, and at the ass-end are the cops. Statham is fondling himself over his pants every now and then, in order to keep himself chugging along.
Statham and the Russians manage to barely evade the police for long enough to end up in a residential area. The initially fleeing gopnik, plus the guards, begin running into the apartment, yelling in Russian about how someone's trying to kill them. Statham pulls up after.

Scene 4: Apartment.
Jason busts into the apartment complex... to absolutely no one except the receptionist.
Statham: Lookin' for some russkies. Holding guns.
Receptionist: Room 3B. Let them know they're a week late on their rent too, please.
Statham: If I leave 'em alive, sure.
Moving to the elevator, he sees it's still occupied. Going to the next, it's broken down. He then looks at the stairs next to the door. They seem steep, but he doesn't have much a choice.
Statham stomps up each step, griping about hard it is to masturbate while going up the stairs. The camera cuts to the Russians in their room. It's a meth lab. One overhears Statham, looks to the others, and goes "I think he's coming." They all immediately arm up, aiming for the front door. The steps get louder and heavier.
Cut back to Statham, finally at the top of the stairs. He begins moving towards the door, the camera unable to see the room's number as it suddenly cuts back to the meth heads.
The steps get heavier and heavier, until they land RIGHT in front of the door. Immediately, one of them yells out "FIRE" and they all shoot like maniacs at the door.
After it's been ravaged with every round they had, it falls down, revealing who they shot was...
The receptionist, holding a destroyed eviction notice.
Russian punk 1: Aww man. He was retiring in a couple months.
Punk 2: If that was him, where's-
Statham punches through the apartment's thin walls. The stairs brought him to 3A, just next door. He immediately knocks out one of the punks. The remaining ones try to fire at Jason, only to realize they wasted their ammo.
Cue fight scene.

Scene 5: Apartment aftermath.
Reviewing the bloody and beaten Russians, Statham's motor beeps again. Time to wank. He looks over at one of the windows, before deciding it might be worth it to play out his exhibition fantasy. He needs a disguise, however, and ends up stripping completely naked, and stealing one gopnik's ski mask and pulling it on to hide is face.
Getting to work, the cops from before finally bust in, having tracked him based on the gunshots they had heard earlier.
Replay of opening scene.
Statham (As narrator): And here we are.
Statham feigns surrender as he slowly walks towards the cops. Unrated version could include prosthetic sci-fi version of Statham's penis, allowing a full review of the body modification.
Cop 1: What the Hell are you wearing?
Cop 2: Looks like a pacemaker.
Statham: More like a pacewanker.
Once Statham is close enough, he disarms one cop and beats the other unconscious, holding up the awake cop.
Statham: I'm gonna put on some pants, and you're gonna get me a bloody ride to the airfield. Am I understood?
Cop 1: Just don't shoot!
Statham: Radio your buddies right now, tell 'em you caught me.
Cop 1: Fine, fine!
Cop radios into HQ, says shooter has been acquired and is being taken in. Statham, still holding the policeman at gunpoint, leads him out of the apartment and into the patrol car, where they begin driving off to the airport.

Scene 6: Airfield.
Statham, still shirtless, inspects the open runways before finding a lone black jet. Yes, this doesn't make sense, but this is a movie literally called Wank.
Statham points out the car to the cop, who obliges and drives to the location.
Reaching there, Statham spots a bald, lanky man with bright goggles, a scar on his face, and wearing a labcoat. The doctor who replaced Statham's heart. He's surrounded by guards.
Statham: There's the wanker who took out my heart and made ​me​ into a wanker.
Cop: I'm arresting you after this, I hope you know.
Statham: If I leave you alive, sure.
As soon as he says that, Statham shoots out the cop's radios, before stepping out of the patrol car and yelling out to the doctor.
Statham: HEY, WHAT'S UP DOC!?
Doctor: Oh, if it isn't my lovely patient! How are you enjoying the motorbater?
Statham: It fucking sucks, you tosser!
Doctor: You're the only tosser here, my boy!
Obviously enraged by this, Statham shoots at the doctor, but misses horribly, even takes out a couple of guards.
Doctor: If you want me to replace your heart, you're going to have to do a favor for me.
Statham: And what would that favor be?
Doctor: Give my latest... creation a test run.
Coming out from a large industrial freight box is... Bob Sapp. Or someone similarly large and intimidating, with make-up to look like he has various cybernetic enhancements.
Mecha-Sapp proceeds to pelvic thrust in the air repeatedly, grunting and yelling in excitement.
Doctor: Put him down, and the heart is yours.
Statham: Uh... sure. Just gimme a minute.
Doctor: What for?
Statham: I have yet to fully charge the damn motor. Please, toss me a Playboy or something. Any of you.
One of the few living guards awkwardly looks around, before retrieving an issue of [generic pornographic magazine] and tossing it to Statham.
Statham, showing no patience whatsoever, drops trow and begins to rather excitedly masturbate to the various articles. The guards look away in disgust, Mecha-Sapp is confused, and the doctor watches with intrigue and entertainment.
This goes on for three minutes.
Finally finishing, the beeping in his chest finally stops, whirring with power.
Statham: Let's fuckin' go, big guy!
Cue fight with Mecha-Sapp.

Scene 7: End
Standing over Mecha-Sapp's unconscious or dead body, Statham pants in fatigue, before looking up at the doctor.
Doctor: Well, a deal is a deal.
Cut to a few minutes later, short montage of doctor surgically replacing Statham's motorbater with his preserved heart. Once finished, Statham sits up and kindly thanks the doctor.
He then shoots the doctor.
THE END