Dulls puns 2019-06-10

Mail order cows were first shipped by raft down the Mississippi River. They traveled on cattle logs.#I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.#I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.#Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.#Models of dragons are not to scale.#I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.#Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.#I would tell you a joke about squirrels, but you would go nuts.#How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. They cost me a fortune.#My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.#When computer programmers are hungry they take mega-bites.#Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.#A hydrologist has a high-pressure job.#"It sucks working from home today." Peter (52), Fireman#He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.#I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.#A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.#Tree trimmers do such a fantastic job, they should take a bough.#I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.#Any type of criticism would aggregate the builder including constructive criticism.#What is a Yevonite's most hated pick-up line? Al-Bhed you.#The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor#Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.#Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.#Math class is full of drama. There are so many problems to work out.#After months of searching, they finally found the Sunkern ship 449#A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.#I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.#Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.#I cannot Bayleef it is not butter! Guess that means it's Butterfree.#Why are fish so smart? – Because they live in schools!#A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.#What room has no floors, no ceiling and no walls? A mushroom!#I touched an electric eel the other day. It was shocking.#The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.#Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.#Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!#Why was Jecht such a popular Blitzball player? He was known for making a splash.#Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.#Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.#I wanted to say a pun too but he didn't Leavanny for the rest of us.#Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C and still be 0k?#What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.#I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there.#One of the best drinking game rules I have ever heard was you had to say a Pokemon name in every sentence. Farfetched right?#Crosswords are what you hear when you distract someone working on a puzzle.#What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.#What do you call a snake that studies past events? A hissssstorian#What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!#I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.#A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.#It is customary to say "lettuce begin" before a food fight.#Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.#I think I Fraxured my funny bone.#What did Tidus's dad say to his mom when he was born? "Sorry, honey! Gotta Jecht!"#Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.#I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.#Old carpenters never die, they just lumber around.#The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.#After manually rotating the heavy machinery, the worker grew very cranky.#Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.#Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.#These puns have my Seel of approval#What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.#This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.#The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.#What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.#I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer it came... Then it hit me!#A fish's favourite saying is carpe diem.#I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.#Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.#Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.#What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.#When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.#My computer is so slow it hertz.#These puns make me Shuckle#Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.#Thanks to my doctor, my Hypno longer hurts#A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."#The librarian didn't know what to do with the book about Tesla's love of electricity, so he filed it under 'Current Affairs.'#I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.#What kind of bears dissolve in water? Polar bears.#Although I like hard rock, sometimes I want to listen to Solrock#With great reflexes comes great response ability.#I've been trying to caption this piece of art but I just can't picture the meaning of it.#I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.#What do dogs do after they finish obedience school? They get their masters.#Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!#When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.#I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.#Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.#The magazine's rationale for running the story was paper thin.#What's the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tuna fish with its scales.#If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.#The tallest building in the city is the library because it has so many stories.#Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.#What did the girl say when she was accused of singing in class? "It's not me! It's hymn!"#This is an Absol-utely brilliant idea#Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.#What do you call a sour orange that was late to school? Tarty!#Where do bulls exchange their messages? On a bulletin board.#Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting.#I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.#Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!#A photographer was great at botany because he knew photo synthesis.#I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.#I wish I was adenine, then I could get paired with U.#The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.#Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!#I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."#What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.#I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.#What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.#They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.#The purpose of the guards at the Blitzball stadium in Luca is to drive a Bigg Wedge between the players and the fans.#I make bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon#Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.#Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.#What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.#I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.#I made a clock mad. It was ticked.#It takes a lot of Braviary to utter a pun#I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.#Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.#How do trees access the internet? They log on.#I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.#The first order of priority in hiring math majors is get them to sine on the dotted line#The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.#Why couldn't Tidus get along with his father? He lacked the sin-ergy.#I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.#I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.#What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.#Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.#How do fish keep up with what's going on? They listen to the current news.#All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.#I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.#After visiting the pyramids, I've been cursed by the Fearow#What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.#Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.#Why are chocobos used for investigations? They're good at making in-KWEH-ries.#Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.#In order to talk to a viking you need to know Norse code.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.#Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.#The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.#What do you mean June is over? Julying.#The plot twist in the movie Oriental Fish-press was a red herring all along.#I slept like a log whilst on night duty and I was axed when I woke up.#Where do the people of Spira learn to summon Aeons? The Yunaversity#It takes guts to make a sausage.#Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.#Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.#The math teacher was an exponent of his own powers.#I Marill bad judge of puns#The math teacher was hungry, but all she had to eat was a piece of pi.#What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.#I hate peer pressure and you should too.#Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.#How does Lee finish putting on his suit? With his Tie-jutsu...#When you dig up ghosts from the past, burying them again is a phenomenal undertaking.#Some mathematicians are on the negative side while others are quite positive.#What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.#What do Moogles use when they go shopping? Kupons.#Pigs flying is an example of swine flew.#I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.#What's a pirate's favourite pokemon? Gengarrr!#Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.#A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel.#I got angry when my smartphone battery died. My counselor suggested I find an outlet.#Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.#Why do grizzlies never look sad? Because whenever there's a problem, they just grin and bear it.#Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!#Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!#What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.#One time somebody said if I was an element, I'd be copper. Then someone else told me I'm tellurium. Does that mean I'm CuTe?#Why can't you trust Satan's resume? The devil lies in the details.#The hunter stir-fried his game because he liked to wok on the wild side.#Did you know a storm of Pokémon is called a Pokémonsoon?#I, for one, like Roman numerals.#If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?#If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?#Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.#I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.#To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.#Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes!#I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!#My favourite travel destination is Paras#Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.#The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.#The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.#He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.#I tried to stop the bleeding, but all of my efforts were in vein.#What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"#Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.#A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.#You will address me as "Sir", because Omanyte of the round table#I have problems with math but with chemistry, I have solutions.#I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.#What does a house wear? A dress.#I took a Pikachu in the shower this morning#I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.#The obstetricians seem to celebrate labor day every day.#I accepted a Knight shift job to become a security guard.#Why did Sin destroy the local fishing town? He was upset and assumed they were murdering the squid population, as the town was called Kil-ika.#Technically speaking a programmer's favorite subject with his boss is usually arrays.#Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!#Ralph was kicked off the skydiving team because he couldn't chute straight.#I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.# #A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"#If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila envelope.#If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.#About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.#I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.#For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.#How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.#Suitable advertising slogan for a fish packing plant: 'Yes, we can!'#A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."#I Luvdisc thing we've got going on#Flatfish always do their job. They know their plaice.#I collect vintage time pieces. When I see one I like at online auction, I put it on my watch list.#Why did the Maesters need glasses? So they could Seymour.#Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.#What is the difference between a living and a dead Spiran? Why ask me, the difference is Farplane to see.#I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.#Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back. I think it would be truly alarming.#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#Ghost-writers lift the spirit of the readers.#The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.#A croquette is a flirtatious female frog.#What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.#I'm not gonna Raichu a love song#If you can't differentiate a blue collar and white collar worker by his hands, it is callous indifference.#I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.#I used to be a lifeguard, but I couldn't keep my head above water.#What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.#What do you call a french pig? Porque.#Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.#What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.#The inept mathematician couldn't count on his friends.#I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.#Ekans see where you're going with this#When I see birds, I always chirrup.#As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.#Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.#Why did Tidus start hitting himself when he woke up in the morning? He had a case of Bad Breath.#Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?#Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.#People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.#Britain is a wet place since the queen has had a long reign.#R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.#If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?#Circus dogs fly through the air with the greatest of fleas.#What was the first thing Yuna asked when she met Auron? She wanted to know if he Nebraska.#The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.#The math teacher was a good dancer - he had algorithm.#I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.#What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.#I used to Rhydon the bus but then I got my license#I haven't heard a pun in Mawhile#On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.#Why was Seymour so intent on seducing Yuna? He wanted to be her Villain-tine.#A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.#There's an anime about Okabe useing a washing machine to send clothes to the past. It's called Stains;Gate.#Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired.#Why did Tidus and crew ruin Yuna's wedding? They wanted to get a better Valefor her.#Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.#Why does Tidus live in a boathouse. Because he's from Zan-ARK-and.#What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.#A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.#I touched an electric eel the other day. It was shocking.#When a wasp started to come after me, I made a beeline for the exit.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.#What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.#If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.#Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.#Abrupt appearance of sinkholes is ground breaking news for media men!#What's a sailor's favorite meal? Fish and ships.#I still had some Snubbull after shaving#I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!#Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.#My girlfriend asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick! She still hasn't talked to me!#An angry skunk reeks his vengeance.#I can't find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip.#My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.#Why are pigs so bad at soccer?  They are always hogging the ball!#This stream never makes me Drowzee#Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.#You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!#I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.#A man was arrested for strangling women's headwear accessories. When asked why, he said "I just had to chocobo."#What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces? Natural Logs.#Bookkeepers are problems for libraries.#Could you call me on my Phione?