JLA: Year Fucked If I know (Femseid, bondage, comedy)

>Batman is droning on, and has been for the last four hours.  He's got charts, old tomes and multiple monitors for this presentation.
>On the central monitor is a 4k video feed, taken from multiple angles, of Femseid in absolutely restrictive bondage gear getting railed like a queen.  Her nipples are covered in wax, her body is coated in a sheen of sweat and other bodily fluids, and the expression on her face can only be described as "religiously ecstatic."
>Her eyes are glowing like suns as her human boyfriend is apparently throwing her the fuck of the millenium.  It's visible from six different angles from within the room, ten in infrared from both inside AND outside of the house, and at least a couple in neutrino, including one from an international observatory in the Antarctic.
>The audio tracks WERE picking up her lover's cries, and her impassioned moans.  She was moaning and screaming at him to FUCK HER ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS in English, what sounded like Syrian Aramaic, Apokalyptan, and something so eldritch and alien that the hidden microphones exploded in showers of sparks.  Not that anyone involved noticed, apparently.
>The performance is impressive.
>"How in the HELL have they not broken that bed yet?" murmurs Hal Jordan.
>Around the huge table, League members are watching with varying reactions. Power Girl is sitting with her legs crossed, trying desperately to maintain her composure.  Diana had left several times, ostensibly to get a fresh cup of coffee, and took her time getting back.  Clark is sitting beside her, looking distinctly uncomfortable.
>The Manhunter is simply watching, as stoic as ever.  Hawkgirl merely looks interested.  At the far end of the table, Robin is softly beating his forehead against the table.  Nightwing puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder and says something to him.
>Barda just looks concerned, worried even.
>"And is she...pretending?" says Diana Prince.  "She's roughly as strong as Clark is on his best day.  There's no restraints she shouldn't be able to snap..."
>"Spectroscopic analysis indicates that the bondage gear they're using is reinforced with an Nth Metal alloy unlike anything we've seen before.  The leather appears to be--"
>"Kank hide," says Clark.  "I've seen it before.  There's a few breeding pairs at the Fortress."
>Clark Kent touches the table, and a window on one side of the central monitor displays several animals that very vaguely resemble sheep with awkwardly-huge rounded feet in a great grassy field.  They're incredibly fluffy, cartoonishly adorable with huge, liquid eyes and are slightly larger than mastadons. Two of them are lovingly grooming each other while the rest of them are gathered around a metal trough full of grain, munching happily.  They're eating the titanium alloy as eagerly as the feed. "It's Kryptonian. She might be able to snap it, but it wouldn't be easy even for her. I just didn't think that...they'd find bondage gear made with it."
>"You're raising Supercows?" says Supergirl.  "Guess you can't take the farm out of the farmboy."
>Clark shrugs.  "They're technically endangered.  I was hoping to save the species and splice some genes into Earth livestock.  They're tough, pretty docile, and they can eat pretty much anything a sheep can eat, and a lot more besides.  Their hide is soft, pliable and about ten thousand times stronger than steel after it's worked into leather, and the fur is radiation-proof with a tensile strength greater than diamond filament.  Also, it's really comfy. The milk is high in protein and vitamins and it's hypoallerginic. Makes a pretty wicked cheese.  Great on crackers or crusty bread, maybe with some cracked black pepper..."
>"And Kryptonians ate them?" says Hal.  "Now I'm curious what a kank roast would taste like."
>"Yeah, they did everything with them," Clark says.  "They used to say that they used everything on a kank but the bleat. Being vegetarian, I wouldn't know, and I've no intention of killing any of them, for meat OR for leather.  But they were supposed to be pretty tasty.  I can set you up with some cheese next time I make a batch though, if you want."
>Batman clears his throat, trying to bring the presentation back on topic. "Anyway...apparently she had the gear custom-made.  We might make a note of it and try to acquire it when we take her out.  Using it raises our odds of subduing her without killing him to nearly 48%"
>Onscreen, the action has switched.  Femseid is doing her level best to play sword-swallower with her lover's cock, taking him all the way to the root.  Her eyes are rolling back in her head and her black tongue is snaking out to caress his balls, dripping with her saliva. He's playing with her huge, swinging tits as he fucks her mouth
>Several League members cross their legs, clear their throats, look anywhere but at the screen.  Plastic Man grins and continues munching through his popcorn.
>"So, uh, no gag reflex," says Arthur.  "That's special.  I guess."  He looks at Batman.  "Look, I understand the concern and all, since...well, she's a New God, she's tried to kill us all on numerous occasions, she's tried to end all of existence just because she was bored, so yeah, I get that.  But...maybe this is just me here...am I the ONLY one who thinks it's a little off that we've bugged a man's house fifty ways from Sunday AND recorded him having sex?  Repeatedly?"
>He waves at the screen.  "And HOW in the name of all that's holy did you manage to get it from HIS point of view???"
>Batman stares at him, eyes narrowed.  "First, this man is having sex with a literal goddess of ultimate evil, one who doesn't do ANYTHING without an ulterior motive.  I've recorded over 2000 hours of their bedroom antics and analyzed them, and there's a 75% match to fourteen separate necromantic power rituals, including a 91% match with a Thanagarian ritual designed to summon Mor-Zadam, God of Desolation--"
>"IT'S FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKING GRAY!" yells Arthur.  "This is Friday night for half of the people in this room!"
>Mr. Miracle smiles up at Barda wryly.  "Yeah, more or less." Barda blushes furiously. He ruffles her hair a bit and hugs her.
>"I wish," mutters Peej under her breath
>"Uh...any chance I could get some copies?  You know, for science," says Plastic Man.  Everyone ignores him.
>"Don't even get me started on that book.  And in answer to your second, question, Waynetech owns controlling stock in every major contact lens manufacturer on Earth."
>Across the table, Zatanna immediately removes her contact lenses and drops them into a bag in her purse, then casts a spell to drop the purse into a pocket universe, and makes a mental note to check into laser eye correction as soon as she can.
>Clark looks at Barda, who has remained mostly silent throughout the entire presentation.  "You're our resident New God expert," he says.  "My every instinct is screaming at me that we're all in grave danger, but...she hasn't done anything as far as we can tell for as long as she's been here."
>She sighs, looking as worried as ever. "You should trust those instincts," she says.  "Where Femseid is concerned, take nothing for granted, EVER.  But..." she pauses for a long time.  "There are stories, legends, that every once in a great while, even Evil grows bored and tired for a season or two, and goes away to experience existence from a different angle.
>A human life is practically a moment to her.  Think of it as a vacation.  She hasn't done such in my memory, but I remember tales of times when she did.  She may leave harmlessly, on her own when she's done, as she usually does, or elevate him to a prince. Or she may revert to type and slay us all on a whim.  She rarely does that, but it's possible."
>Onscreen, her lover is railing her from behind, cock buried in her ass, and after a few final heroic thrusts, he pulls out and blows a load all over her back.  Diana is resolutely not watching it.  At the other end of the table, Robin looks like he's ready to melt through the table.
>Hawkgirl merely looks extremely fascinated.  "They're astonishly athletic," she murmurs.
>"I'd hit it," says the Flash.  Everyone looks at him.  He shrugs. "What?  I'm just saying what most of the people here are thinking."
>"Eww, just...eww," says Supergirl, shaking her head.
>They're spooning now, kissing.  "My recommendation is to continue monitoring.  If we time it perfectly, we could catch her after one of their--sessions, and she may be disoriented enough to effect a safe capture."
>"And risk accidentally killing him in the crossfire?" says Clark.
>"The loss is acceptable, when our entire planet may be at stake." Onscreen, the two of them are kissing tenderly, stroking and caressing each other affectionately in an impressive display of aftercare.  Almost enough to make one go "D'aaaww" if not for the goddess of ultimate evil itself who was involved.
>"As of this moment, she hasn't committed any crimes or done any harm in our jurisdiction, Bruce," says Clark.  "She's not currently wanted for anything that's an actionable crime here.  Based on Barda's information," he says, nodding at her, "The safest course of action may be simply to observe, and let the situation resolve itself.  But be ready to intervene immediately if she reverts to type."
>Batman looks annoyed.  "Your inspirational idealism is going to get us all killed," he says.
>"It hasn't yet," says Clark.  "This meeting is adjourned for the time being."

****

>You're basking in the warm glow of your human lover's embrace.  He's a bit smaller than you, but that's fine.  He can be the little spoon.  You may resize yourself sometime, just to experience it from the other side, but he seems to like this.
>No pressure, no one trying to usurp your power, no plans, no plots.  He's sincere and just a bit naive.  It's nice.
>You'll probably have to spend decades smashing Kalibak's head in after this, because the imbecile always forgets his housetraining when you're away and decides to style himself Lord of Apokalips, but that'll wait a century or two.
>For this instant in eternity, you're content.  Amazingly, completely content.
>And best of all, you're driving the League of Morons completely insane, trying to figure out what your angle is this time, and the best part is, there's NO angle to find.  It's beautiful.
>With a salacious grin, you raise an arm and extend a middle finger at one of the hidden video pickups, a tiny nanometer-scale camera embedded in one of the walls.  You blow it a kiss before allowing yourself to fall asleep.