jokes 032615

I read an article online that claimed that over 50% of college aged boys cuddle with their male friends. So if I just show that article to all of my friends, I might finally get some takers. Try to convince some of my bro friends, “dude, read this article. It’s basically gay not to cuddle now.”

The problem with cuddling going mainstream is that now I probably wouldn’t be able to convince any of my punk friends to cuddle now. That’s fine though, because those guys smell terrible, because deodorant is for poseurs. I hope all of my too punk to fuck friends find out that breathing is mainstream. Someone should just leak that information into the punk scene. Slowly weed out all of the super punks. “You guys are sellouts!” *dies*

I sometimes watch reality shows, because sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t give me an option. She watches a lot of the shows that have elimination challenges, and I’m honestly pretty intrigued by that concept…but unfortunately these shows are going about the process all wrong. So far reality show elimination challenges have resulted in zero deaths and I think we can do something to fix this. One of the top model girls reads the letter from Tyra out loud, “A top model must be ready for anything, including a battle against an army of over-evolved, hyper intelligent sharks.” They run out of contestants immediately. One of the sharks becomes America’s Next Top Model. Maybe she’s born with it; maybe she’s a shark.” You can blame my girlfriend for that joke; I just wanted to watch King of the Hill.

I couldn’t be vegan. I tried once but I kept forgetting not to swallow.

Does it count as vegan if I just chew on steak and then spit it out? Does partial credit apply here?

I always feel bad for gay guys and straight girls when I realize that there is no male equivalent to jokes like, “Poker? I hardly know her!” Or maybe that’s a good thing; that depends on how you like your cheesy puns. I just know that I don’t like making anyone feel left out, so I make sure that I make a separate set of invites that read, “Party at my place! Liquim in the front, pokim in the rear!” So far nobody has shown up to any of my parties. My cabinets are full of liquim and I’m going to have to drink it all myself.

I met a very unattractive guy whose last name was Haggard and I was just blown away that his ancestors had the foresight to choose a last name that so perfectly suited this guy’s appearance.

I had my 21st birthday party at my favorite bar, but I had to tell everybody who worked there that it was just a really hyped up 24th birthday party… because I had been going there for a couple of years by that point.




People always talk about how either the legal drinking age should be lowered to 18 or the legal age to join the army should be 21. I agree with this, but why stop there? I think to join the army you should have to be at least 50 years old and have a 6 figures or higher salary. See how many wars we get into then. “I want their natural resources, but I don’t want to fight for them myself! Boo hoo!” Legal age of drinking can remain the same though, I’m sorry 16-year-old me. I think the difficulty in obtaining and consuming the booze was what made it special anyway.

A transgendered friend of mine took her life recently and my sister text me saying, “Everyone keeps referring to him as a “she” and it makes me feel like a right wing nut for still saying “he.” I texted her back, “don’t beat yourself up about it; you’re only one man.” See how she likes it.

There’s this organization called VAPETA, which stands for Vegans Against PETA. That’s probably a pretty cool organization, but if PETA were to ever disband, those guys would look like a bunch of dicks. “Your organization hates people who are for the ethical treatment of animals? That’s a pretty negative stance to take.”

I like PETA because they seemingly hire troubled 14 year olds to do their campaigning. Oh so people think they can eat meat? Well I’ll make them watch a cartoon of a dog being eaten alive.

90% of the cats and dogs PETA rescues each year are euthanized. That’s double the euthanization rate for the ASPCA. This just proves that PETA isn’t actually an animal right’s organization, but instead is just a front that a council of sinister, old, rich men set up to cover up the fact that they meet up once a month to murder unwanted house pets. “It’ll be brilliant. If people think we’re trying to help animals, they’ll just give us all the animals we need and never be any the wiser.”

In 1995, Disney changed the world with the release of A Goofy Movie. And then just when we thought we were safe…they dropped An Extremely Goofy Movie in the year 2000. I think we’re past due for a third Goofy movie now. Tentative title: “Seriously, this movie is fucking Goofy.”

I am an artist. And as an artist, it is important for me to maintain my artistic integrity. I know that the next step after stand up comedy is supposed to be creating a television show, but if I do that kind of thing, I don’t want that show to compromise my aforementioned artistic integrity, That is why I refuse have a sign a contract to do a TV show until either all sexist, racist, and homophobic messages are removed from all media or someone offers me money to do it. My integrity has a price, you guys. And in case anyone is wondering, that price is very low. Call my agent after the show. When he answers the phone, you might think it’s just me putting on a fake voice, and you might be right. “Hello you have reached Ben Idle’s agent…Jason Bourne. What can you do for my client?”