mouseLast Sunday at 11:34 PM
hey thanks for the add anon.

L337Last Sunday at 11:34 PM
thanks? lmao no prob
I wanted to have you on my list
I usually get kicked from servers
I'd like to have some contacts some people to talk to
it's pretty funny I have this discord for random strangers from r9k etc and you'd think that sad loners would be happy to converse

mouseLast Sunday at 11:35 PM
nah I own that server I just use an alt to be owner.
Why do you get kicked? I get kicked from every server nearly.

L337Last Sunday at 11:36 PM
but I always talked with them once or twice and then they vanish

mouseLast Sunday at 11:36 PM
Oh well most the people on r9k are actual autists and are no good at chatting

L337Last Sunday at 11:36 PM
there were like 2-3 that we got along pretty nicely
there were like 2-3 that we got along pretty nicely

mouseLast Sunday at 11:37 PM
I chat to many anons and it is merely for a distraction.
I like to learn about people and their perspective

L337Last Sunday at 11:37 PM
but they never start a conversation after the first time
yeah me too
I also love to talk about problems and issues
because it's actual good discussion that can give you relief or great advice and it's actually a great way to get to know the other person
I usually get kicked form inactivity or autism lel

mouseLast Sunday at 11:38 PM
Yeah same, hmm I like to talk about their issues and such and really
90%+ of the time they are merely lonely or something lel

L337Last Sunday at 11:38 PM
Once I said "what's up" in a server and the other day I was kicked

mouseLast Sunday at 11:39 PM
using this account?
This account looks like it is made by some 15yo and gives off underage vibes.
Taht is why I ask is all
the PFP and name

L337Last Sunday at 11:41 PM
lel
I put that image because I like black metal and its cult, it's actually my main way to vent my bad feelings
I know it seems edgelordish but w/e I change it anyway every now and then
the name was actually just random because I made the discord in a hurry to add a specific someone :wink:

mouseLast Sunday at 11:43 PM
Well it still presents an image of being an underage person that is the issue.
Oh, who were you trying to add?
hmm I wont ask
So have we chatted before?

L337Last Sunday at 11:44 PM
Well in my eyes it's better than all those anime profile pics that I'm seeing all the time
we might I think I've seen you in servers before

mouseLast Sunday at 11:46 PM
Yeah I have ran many servers I never join other peoples servers though really.
I guess if people give you a chance it is fine but the reason someone who is
well versed in running servers will insta kick after you say
>whats up
is due to your discord name and PFP.

hmm I am too attached to my PFP to change it, I would have quite the identity crisis
if I were to.

L337Last Sunday at 11:48 PM
Yeah no need to change it
name and pic are an easy way to remember others
like the guy in your server vv
he used to go with void right?
He's almost in every server I get into x)

mouseLast Sunday at 11:50 PM
Yeah I know vv, we chat an such.
Well name and pic are good to keep consistent on your main acc
sure
Hmmm and why do you use an alt hmm
                      >.<
I am not expecting an answer of course

L337Last Sunday at 11:51 PM
why not
I just didn't want to add complete internet strangers on my main acc
I use my name as a handle there too
my firstname
it didn't feel safe i mean, you know

mouseLast Sunday at 11:52 PM
Oh well that makes sense although if you were to
not want people to know your first name it could be best not to use it
Hmm, I would often use an alt to chat to anons myself.
You only add anons to your main acc that show they are
worth talking to and such, and able to have conversations.
not a bad idea

L337Last Sunday at 11:54 PM
Yes. Well in my case I've only had people i know irl in my main or internet friends i've been talking to for years you know
don't think of anything great I only have like 5-6 contacts and talk with 2 xD
but you get what I mean
I didn't feel safe giving my discord away like that especially since I had to post my namecode in a thread
so here we are :slight_smile:
I used to have paulie from The Sopranos as my picture fore the one I have now. Have you watched that show?

mouseLast Sunday at 11:57 PM
Yeah taht makes complete sense is a valid reason, I personally doxxed myself
before others who wanted to could but hey, I ehh am not best of mind but had my reasons.

Yes, I had seen the sopranos quite a few times it really left a mark on what the medium of
TV series could provide.
Very good show, do you watch many shows?

L337Last Sunday at 11:57 PM
Not really. And I usually end up watching the same show again and again instead of trying something new.
My favorites would be The Sopranos, IASIP , The Office and South Park
that's the ones I've watched the most
I also really liked sons of anarchy but after a point I started to dislike it a little bit

mouseYesterday at 12:00 AM
I am similar I have watched the office many times and seinfield many times more.
Hmm I dropped sons of anarchy myself I cannot remember why it was quite some time ago.

It can be hard to try new things as you have to take a risk and risks are oft not really worth it,
are they :eye:

L337Yesterday at 12:01 AM
hehe
Can't say you're wrong
I've been trying to pressure myself to try new things lately though and be active and learn things
we'll see how that goes xD

mouseYesterday at 12:03 AM
Well what are you trying to learn, did you have some interest in languages
I seen you ask the person in server but it seemed to be more of a way
to get them to chat.
I am not learning anything myself but if I did get better I would like to
do some courses and such to learn to become a therapist ironically.

L337Yesterday at 12:04 AM
ironically? :stuck_out_tongue:
Yes I also want to learn a new language but I don't feel like going to school right now.
idk what I'm looking for I'm open to anything right now, I even thought about learning some dance like tango or smth
who? me....
I've never danced in my life
I just aim to learn and be productive because my problem with myself my whole life is that I've been doing nothing wasting my time and years away
I always wanted to change that but I couldn't until this summer. idk what changed inside me but I started making the changes that I wanted

mouseYesterday at 12:10 AM
Hmmm,
so you do not feel like going to school, are you taking a break from working or not
currently working at all.
Ehh I have never danced in my life either or say actually danced well rather.
Well it is meant to be never too late to turn your life around but the
older you get the less reason there is to actually put in the effort.

You seem fairly self aware and positive about yourself or have a want for change.
one day you woke up and just felt an urge to improve??

L337Yesterday at 12:11 AM
hmm
well I'm thinking it was a slow gradual change due to the experiences that I got
I've been having depression since I became a teenager and all I did those years was to play vidya as a form of escapism
I've missed out on a lot of things as a result
and I've been hating myself ever since
then after I finished school and failed exams to get into a uni
and I failed exams because I was afraid of failing and therefore completely stopped studying months before the exams
I mean I avoided the challenge out of fear
and that's what I've been whenever I had to face a challenge I was backing out and missing opportunities
that's why I hated who I was
but anyway after school my parents pushed me to attend another school to learn how to programm and stuff
and I started changing slowly then
I think what made me change the most was the experience of working/having a job
and then there were two days in early summer that I was back to being super sad
and I said "Ok I've reached a point where I either change now or I keep hating myself until my life ends"
and that was the turnaround point for me
sorry for talking too much and going into details, I thought that maybe my experience can help you (although idk know even if you have any mental issues etc)
So I started actually changing and being finally happy with myself and the way I choose to deal with things.
The bad thing is that I had a setback a short while after, something happened that triggered some deeply buried emotions.... idk really idk how that happened and how it got me so low
so here I am trying to set my mind straight and face the challenge :slight_smile:
About the dancing, I bet that like me you were always the shy kid that there was no chance of going up there dancing in front of all these people huh

mouseYesterday at 12:27 AM
well I'm thinking it was a slow gradual change due to the experiences that I got

Any hint at what those may have been aside from just working and such, did you have
any social experiences that helped as well?

from what I gather these experiences and such were not really that long ago, would that be right?
I've missed out on a lot of things as a result

There is no real point in worrying about the past and what you missed out
but taking the perspective of what you have left to miss out on and using that
to propel you to change is a great attitude you seem to have taken on.

I thought that maybe my experience can help you

Oh that is nice of you despite not knowing me at all.
I am completely fine though
             >.<
I am just normal as far as I am concerned

What caused you to have a set back?
I bet that like me you were always the shy kid that there was no chance of going up there dancing in front of all these people huh

No that is not me at all, I was not afraid of being seen or heard and such when younger.
ehh as relevant to dancing I even won best dancer at school disco although surely it was for my enthusiasm and
not my skill as I had none :rofl:

L337Yesterday at 12:37 AM
1. I think it was a very positive experience overall because I got to work with and converse with positive people, skilled with life experiences and such. I saw how it is to be responsible and work and keep learning new things, I saw how they handle different or difficult situations etc. I also learned a lot regarding web development (I want to work as a web dev) and that made me feel better. In general it gave me a good idea of where I am in life and how I want to be. It wasn't too long ago no, I stopped early August (it was "practice" as we call it, part of my studies so my time was limited).

2. That's what I've been telling myself, I only look forward but it is true that the lack of those experiences left me with a lack of certain skills and that's messy.

3.I'll stress that in a different message after this one xD

4.Wow! That's cool dude. What are you up to these days anyway, I know I've been talking only about myself sorry about that but once that's over with i'd like to get to know you better.
Well my setback was that I got a crush on a girl and although in the beginning everything was fine it spiralled into depression, it's like that snowball effect. Now I feel like complete shit, scared etc. Every  possible bad thought that can go through my mind, it goes. There are some days, like yesterday for example, that I feel so hopeless that I have to keep myself from crying. Sometimes I can't even go outside because whenever I see a nice girl I instantly feel devastated. It's basically like I'm in panic because my mind doesn't listen to my soul so no matter how logically I try to see things I keep getting those overwhelming feelings. Sometimes I describe my feelings as the same with someone who just broke up. I feel very lonely and undesirable to the point of despair.
And I think that my inability to deal with that lies largely on the fact that I never had any experience with the other gender.
it's almost funny that my every day life got fucked up over this, but I cannot get it out of my head, I think if I have to deal with it I have to calm myself down first.

mouseYesterday at 12:52 AM
>1.
how far away are you from getting your qualification and will you straight away try to get hired or do some more schooling?
I am unsure as a techlet but imagine you can do more study or is it all hands on and showing what you have accomplished through
working that matters.

>2.
You lack some skills in the social area do you mean? I assume so based on the rest of your post.

>4.
Hmm I do not do much, not much to know about me at all, you can ask if you want
so your first experience with a girl ended badly and that just pushed you over the edge and you spiralled,
this makes sense I mean you were already fragile and it was not the girl that broke you but merely
the straw that broke the camels back.
You say you feel undesirable, do you do anything to improve yourself at all?
improving yourself would benefit more than just getting a partner as you will feel much more confident
but you know all of this already, you are actually trying to improve yourself so you must.

L337Yesterday at 1:07 AM
1. I've finished my studies but I can't look for a career job now because I'm leaving in 3 months to do my mandatory service in the army. I thought about getting a small job like at a cafe or something until then but I stopped looking when I started feeling too depressed. I'm thinking of trying again though.

2. Yes, mostly when it comes to girls and relationships. When I got a crush and started thinking about how I'm gonna approach and how I should talk and all that, I realised how actually clueless I am about that. Maybe that's what scared me and pushed me to all these insecurities.

4. Actually I couldn't approach my crush. I didn't get the chance to and that really hurt me because I've said to myself that I'll never miss an opportunity ever again. But I couldn't find a way to approach her, I asked friends too but they couldn't come up with something either and I was really troubled. When you're so much in love (and I haven't felt love like that since 5 years ago) don't you owe it to yourself to do something?. The fact that I couldn't act started eating me from within. I wish I was turned down. I do try to keep improving myself but now I have to drag myself into doing productive stuff. Most of the time this issue is in my head 24/7 and I can't seem to get it outta my head. I feel like I'm in such a hurry. I think it's a state of panic as I said earlier. I feel like I'm in a hurry to experience love and being loved. But that's not how it works. I can't force myself to love someone I need to be patient. On the other hand now I don't have any self-esteem or courage to try and flirt with a girl that I find pretty, the moment I see them I get mentally destroyed. I think and hope that I will eventually get over it but right now I'm just fragile and scared.

mouseYesterday at 1:29 AM
1. That must be quite annoying having to do mandatory army work when you want to start your career but
I guess it is just another experience you can look back on later, it might even be fun.
I knew an anon for quite a while and he had mandatory army and could not leave despite being quite mentally ill.
funnily enough after spending a lot of time trying to get out of doing it he finally did get released for mental health reasons
and killed himself, lel right after getting out.
Working at a cafe could be nice and comfy and not too stressful

4.so you finally worked up your courage to approach this girl and tell her how you felt but now because you
are left broken you regret it?
That makes sense, at first I was thrown off as i read it wrong and thought it was worded in a strange way.
You will eventually get over it or perhaps it is better not to bother trying again but then you miss out on all the good feelings as well.
I think every good feel in life costs two bad ones though but that is just my view.

L337Yesterday at 1:37 AM
Yeah it's very disruptive, I wish I had gone right after school when I was 18 but I didn't have the spirit to to that then. You can get out of it here if you're mentally ill. Some fake mental illness to dodge it. Personally I want to go because I think I need this experience but 9 months are too much damn it xD

Actually I had the courage and the balls, my mind was set right but I didn't get the chance. I thought I was gonna see her again because we both lived in a town and we even had mutual friends (they're not in contact anymore though, I asked them to set me up with her). So the fact that I couldn't be given the chance started annoying me more and more. Now at this point I don't think that much about her my problem is general now. I feel too shit about myself to approach any girl and it takes courage to approach a girl you like as a complete stranger in the street or the bus etc. especially if you have no flirting skills. I just hope I will rebound soon enough. I'd like to get someone interested in me before I fuck off for the army.
My last resort with my crush would be to send her an online message out of the blue as a complete stranger since we haven't met but that's guaranteed failure and if I do that then I'm gonna think that I just killed every chance I had with her because of a move that was doomed to fail. Yet again it seems that I have no other choice no matter how much I don't want to accept it .  What do you think?

mouseYesterday at 1:44 AM
I think the story you told is quite peculiar for a number of reasons and it really makes me think.
I am not too fond of thinking I actually do everything I can to avoid thinking.
This is all strange, all this online stuff is weird and it does your head in after
being online for too long
                >.<
that is what I am thinking

L337Yesterday at 1:45 AM
hehe
what do you find peculiar about it

mouseYesterday at 1:46 AM
Many many things.

L337Yesterday at 1:46 AM
hmm okay :stuck_out_tongue:
well enough about me, do you have any hobbies? what do you usually do?

mouseYesterday at 1:48 AM
The only thing I do is shitpost until I can sleep.

L337Yesterday at 1:49 AM
that's what I mostly do these days too
So you said you're fine earlier but don't you have any issues or something that bothers you perhaps?
You seem very kind and helpful towards others

mouseYesterday at 1:52 AM
No I am fairly normal actually.
Nothing bothers me at :)
Oh yeah I seem that way I guess, I just need distractions
and posting to and reading what people say provides it.

L337Yesterday at 1:55 AM
cool
and you're thinking of becoming a therapist right?

mouseYesterday at 1:56 AM
No I was but I do not think anything will work out so best not to try.

L337Yesterday at 1:57 AM
hmm alright
Do you do anything for a living? Or something you study perhaps?

mouseYesterday at 1:58 AM
Oh no I do not do anything at all :rofl:
I mentioned I only shit post until I can sleep and I assure you I was serious.
No working or studying so I guess you call that a NEET.

L337Yesterday at 2:03 AM
I get the feeling that there is something that bothers you but you don't want it brought up
it's fine nonetheless

mouseYesterday at 2:06 AM
I talk a lot about my issues I just find what you said to be quite strange is all.
feels like you had chatted to me before or at the very least know more about me than you let on.
You also seemed to be a roast at times with your type style and phrasing but I could be wrong about all this.

I usually chat to other about them as I do not ever have anything going on anymore :)

L337Yesterday at 2:12 AM
Alright I respect that but we really discussed before, I'm sure about it. It's just that I've joined servers in the past and I felt like I've seen your name or avatar before. What you you mean by "you seemed to be a roast"? Like I was roasting you? Anyway I respect how you feel just want to clear things out.

mouseYesterday at 2:15 AM
Oh yeah I do not doubt you may have seen me before in servers and such.
>what do you mean
again you say something contradictory with your image.
You have shown you know enough about internet culture to know exactly what I meant.

Perhaps I am being paranoid I cannot even tell anymore but I had been online for far too long
and it wont be getting any better.

L337Yesterday at 2:17 AM
I didn't understand it in the way you said it. I've seen people saying "roast me" or "roasted!" but I've never seen "you're a roast", I had to google it to see if that's a phrase I didn't know because english is not my native tongue. Anyway let's just leave it at that. We can talk from time to time.