explanation #pastebinmonday

things just go from bad to worse

as im sure is no secret by now things haven't been so great for me lately, and now it's about to get pretty fucked up

i mentioned back in july that my home life situation wasn't going so great, and also that my financial situation wasn't so great, and if my home life situation got worse my financial situation would be fucked. that fear became a reality last night when i got home from dreamhack. it was a long time coming as we've been unhappy for a while and were trying to make it work out but long term i think we agree that it is just not going to work for reasons that are unfortunate circumstances and nobody's fault. he wants to move out of our place soon which i guess is for the best. i knew it was coming eventually but i wasn't ready for it to be right now. we still care about each other and there was no argument so if anyone tries to make this about whose fault it is or about what kind of person he is, you're getting blocked. i trust that none of my friends will be this weird but right now i dont even know who the hell to trust anymore so i feel like i need to say that especially as a girl on the internet lol

between my best friend pushing me away, deaths in my family, and now this, all in the last month and a half, i can't help but wonder who i'm going to lose next before i even have time to grieve the last one

as for what this means about the future...

a few years ago i was having a hard time finding employment despite my best efforts and had very little money to scrape by on rent with. this racked up a lot of credit card debt for me. i'm sitting at around 9k right now. i take home about 3k a month from my job after deductions. my rent has been about 600 a month because i was only paying half. so i had enough to work on paying off my debt a bit each month, but i also felt like i still deserved to have something resembling a normal life despite it hanging over my head, so the rest of that money has gone toward stuff i like such as stream equipment and going to marathons and smash tournaments. even though that was irresponsible in retrospect i needed to be around my friends once in a while. now i'll have to pay 1300 a month in rent, and interest rates being what they are i have 0 idea right now how i'm gonna pay it off. i make good money but it's not so good when i don't have any left over. i won't be going to any more events (except STR since i already paid for it and i am going to try my best to get to AGDQ since i already promised to go) for a long time until i clear my plate bc i'm trying to save money now. if i had no debt then my living situation would not be an issue at all and would be more than affordable on my salary, but right now that's not the case. idk what i'm going to do. i'm not asking for help because i prefer to solve my problems on my own, but anyone generous enough to donate/sub/etc to my stream can rest assured that this is where it will be going.

between all of this and some of my relationships with ppl i care about being not so great lately it's just been a lot on my mind. losing marathons on top of everything else is another blow to the head i'm not ready for. you all saw how much i care about participating in those. nothing in my life has given me as much of a sense of pride as my marathon performances have. so thank you sincerely to everyone who saw that this is something that means a lot to me and gave a shit about it. i don't know how to express how much that means to me and how much it sucks that i can't do it anymore for the foreseeable future except str later this week and (fingers crossed) agdq if i get a run accepted. i'm gonna try my best to make it count.

everything just seems hopeless right now. please don't ask me to vent about this to you because this is it and i don't want to do it a third time (shoutouts to my rollin deep friend for listening to me sort out my thoughts into the late hours last night)