sbin

1. Bullying-using threats when things don't go my way-threatening to break up with the person or threatening to not see them when they don't do what I want.
Specific example: Back in the beginning of January Saar had to cancel meeting up with me on a Tuesday-told me something important had come up and that he didn't want to talk about it and had to deal with it and that he would see me on Thursday instead. I felt hurt and said that I didn't want to see him on Thursday or for a whole week if he couldn't see me on Thursday and how could he cancel on me the day of.
Another example: When we were looking at new year's eve tickets to the comedy-I wanted the more expensive seats and he wanted the cheaper ones. He wanted to buy tickets for his friend Francisco who's birthday is on New year's eve and because of that we would have to sit in the cheaper seats. I was so angry with him, I felt like he didn't care about me and that his friend was more important. At that time I couldn't see that he was just trying to be a good friend to Francisco. So I lashed out and said that things weren't working for me. And he asked what I meant and I said that between us things weren't working out. He cried that night for an hour and I took it back right after said it because I clearly didn't mean it, I was just so angry and felt this huge urge to do something in the moment-it was the fight of flight response.

2. Unreasonable expectations-No matter how much Saar did for me it was never enough. I would always look at the negative things, the things  he hadn't done for me instead of looking at what he had done for me. One particular example is when he was doing so much for me-being very emotionally supportive, driving to see me frequently, taking me out and I mentioned that I wanted flowers. I just couldn't see all the good things he was doing for me, I just somehow had to focus on what he wasn't doing. And he used to say "I feel like no matter how much I do-it's never enough, please don't give up on me." He was scared that I would leave him because I was never satisfied, I seemed to always want more and more when in fact it was enough, I just couldn't see it at the time.

3. Constant chaos-I used to pick fights with previous boyfriends, just to see how much they would take before they broke and just to get a reaction out of them. I remember with Saar one time we were at Mount Madonna and he wanted to get out of the car to get things sorted and I kept saying I wanted a kiss before we got out and making all these requests instead of just waiting until we checked in. And he would start to get frustrated, despite the frustration he would maintain his composure and be patient. I would continue with my requests refusing to get out of the car before he kissed and hugged me, it was ridiculous-looking back at it now. I would often be very indecisive-changing my mind frequently and thinking to myself: "how much will he take? why is he still with me?" Somehow I always had to know how far could I push the guy before they lost it.

4. Rejection-when he would try to be close to me and want to hold my hand, give me a hug or a kiss i would refuse him. Particular example would be on the cruise when Saar had warned me that he was going to do a silent day where he wouldn't speak and he had given me fair warning of this. I said that it was fine, even though I wasn't fine with it. When the silent day came I was giving him the cold shoulder most of the day, making negative comments when he said sweet things, refusing to tell him that I loved him when he would make a heart against his chest with his hands since he couldn't speak. I behaved this way for most of the day. I just felt so frustrated that he wouldn't speak and felt as if I was being punished by being put into isolation because of his choice for lack of speech.

5. Withholding affection-I would often take my hand away from Saar or refuse to kiss him if he said something I didn't like. In particular if he said he couldn't see me on a certain day then I immediately became angry and would refuse to hold his hand.

I would often have Saar change his plans so that he could see me more, he would leave family events early, cancel on his friends sometimes. A particular example is when we had made plans to hang out on Christmas day and his parents invited him to go skiing in Tahoe-something he doesn't get to do very often. I was so annoyed that he was thinking of cancelling our plans together even though he had spent so much time with me in the previous weeks. I pouted that we barely get to spend anytime together and that I don't have that many days off and that I was really looking forward to spending christmas day with him. He ended up deciding to drive to tahoe on his own with his sister on monday morning at 4am instead of going up with his parents the previous day just so that he could spend christmas day with me.

Another time I remember is Saar getting me sexually excited on the cruise and then saying he was tired, I was so mad I almost ran out of the room in my underwear and bra. Then I threatened to get a separate room on the ship for the remaining nights.

Part 2: I have definitely been emotionally abused by my long term boyfriend Mark, we dated about 10 years ago. I dated him from the age of 20 to 22 at UC davis. He used to tell me that I needed to lose weight and that I could always look better. If things didn't go his way he would immediately say that if I didn't do as he said that we were not going to the activity we were supposed to go to or he would threaten to break up with me. I didn't see it as emotional abuse until about a year after I got out of the relationship. While I was in it I felt out of control that no matter what I did it didn't matter, he would never be happy. I was very said throughout the relationship and knew that I never wanted to marry him yet I couldn't imagine leaving him-I was scared of being on my own. I often felt hurt and rejected when he made comments about my body and that I wasn't good enough. And I often feared he would break up with me for no reason. I was terrified and felt trapped.