[RGRE] Anon is not a classy lady

Jun 15th, 2019
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  1. "I imagine there are books for this kind of thing, like those like those women's etiquette manuals that we used to have long ago. Surprisingly, a lot of them were a lot less sexist than you might think."
  3. >You are Anon, and you've got yourself a copy of Stallion's Etiquette.
  4. >It's a manual for creatures of the male persuasion so that they can act... adequately masculine.
  5. >Or, something like that.
  6. "Okay, alright..."
  7. >You heft the book a few times in your hands, trying to get the feel for the weight of it.
  8. >It's heavier than you thought it'd be.
  9. "Let's get a good look at this shit."
  10. >You flip this bad boy onto its back and open it up, skimming through the the first few useless pages (special thanks, table of contents, etc) to get to the official page one.
  11. >Which, as it turns out (you counted, thank you) is on page twenty-three.
  12. >Not like you're going to actually, y'know, DO anything this book tells you you should be doing.
  13. >But a birthday present is a birthday present, and you'd feel bad if you didn't at least put forth the effort for a few weeks.
  14. >And not to mention that if you don't, Caramel will bitch and moan for MONTHS that you don't appreciate what he gets you.
  15. "Because 'Cooter-Magnet Caramel' is just drowning in pussy," you snark, lips curled in a snarl, "Mister personality himself has to beat the mares off with a stick - all because he read this shitty manual before giving it to me."
  16. >Good god, let's just get this over with.
  17. "Alright. Jeez. 'Do unto others as you would others should do to you.' " you recite, voice sounding bored even to your ears, " 'You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what gentleman likes to be treated rudely?' "
  18. >You grab the pages and skim ahead a bit more.
  19. "Right, fuck this."
  20. >You land on page... 284.
  21. "Chapter five - Evening parties. Etiquette for the host. 'Always date your note of invitation, and put your address in one corner.' "
  22. >You lean back in your chair, head lolling until you're facing the ceiling.
  23. >This is worse than reading some boring history textbook from back in high school.
  24. >Specifically, the parts of it that the history class isn't even covering.
  25. >This is dryer than Caramel's dick - because he's getting so little sex from using this guide that it isn't even going to be funny.
  26. >...well, it'll be funny to YOU.
  27. >But you guess it won't be funny to HIM.
  28. >So that counts for what it does, you guess.
  29. >You swing the book around until it's closed and you've got it gripped as though you're about to throw a frisbee... but stop.
  30. >You drop the book down onto your lap - the clap of book on lap is the sound of defeat.
  31. "Oh, god," you groan, face in your hands, "He's going to bitch SO MUCH if I don't read this."
  32. >You steel yourself and try again.
  33. >Page 600.
  34. "Chapter twenty-six - miscellaneous."
  35. >Thank christ.
  36. >Finally, some every-day advice that doesn't necessitate...
  37. >You skip to the table of contents real quick...
  38. >...guests, ballroom hosting, and writing letters.
  39. "Okay, let's take some of this seriously. 'Never read in company. You may open a book to look over the engravings, if you will, but do not attend to the letter-press until you are alone.'"
  40. >What; you're not allowed to read?
  41. "Yeesh, that won't win me any favours with Twilight."
  42. >What's the next one?
  43. " 'Never speak of gentlemare by their first name unless you are related to them. It is very unstallion-like to use the surname, without the prefix, Ms. To hear a gentleman speak of Star, Blanket, Aura, instead of Ms. Aura or Ms. Star sounds extremely vulgar, and is a mark of low breeding.' "
  44. >...excuse you.
  45. "That won't win me any favours with MISS SPARKLE."
  46. >Goodness, how low-bred of you.
  47. " 'Avoid personal remarks; they evince a want of judgment, good taste, kindness, and politeness. To exchange glances or significant smiles with a third person, whilst engaged in a conversation with a second, is a proof of low-breeding. Suppressed laughter, shrugging of the shoulders, rolling of the eyes, and significant glances are all marks of ill-breeding.' "
  48. >Aaaaand you guess you can't hang around Pinkie Pie ever again.
  49. >That mare once made you laugh so hard you sprayed chocolate milk out of your nose.
  50. "This book is cutting the number of ponies I'm allowed to hang out with in half."
  51. >They're dropping like flies.
  52. " 'If you meet a gentlemare at the foot of a flight of stairs, do not go up before her. Stop, bow, and motion to her to precede you. She will return your bow, and run up, leaving you to follow her.' "
  53. >You look up from your book and glance around your cottage.
  54. >...your one-story cottage.
  55. "Fuck this."
  56. >You lean back carelessly in your couch and toss the book away.
  57. >You hear it clatter... somewhere; you don't really care, and you don't plan to look for it.
  58. "I'll just buy Caramel some cheesecake if he gets uppity. That chubby little horse LOVES his cheesecake."
  59. >You guess you won't be a classy 'stallion' any time soon.
  60. >Oh, well.
  61. >You heave yourself up from your couch and walk towards the front door.
  62. "...I'm gonna go see if Rainbow Dash feels like egging MISS SPARKLE's library again."
  63. >That mare's always good for a fun time.
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