Thread 84: Stories 31-45

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NC
>Preatorian 1
"Preatorian 2"
'Preatorian 3'
~??~
-??-
~~~~
>MY BROTHERS, we have gotten lost again!

"How could we ever lose the majesty that is our Princess's guiding light?"

'FOR SHAME! Flex the shame with me brothers!'

And indeed, they did flex, glistening in the light.

>Our shame has been sufficiently flexed.

"But we have not yet-"

~WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP!~

>...Did you hear something?

~Seriously, dicks!? You break into OUR ballroom and pull that shit!?~

"I only hear the chirps of insects, beautiful in their own ugly way."

~UGLY!?~

~...Should we show them?~

~I don't know if we should show them.~

~...heyyy guyyyyss?~

>Oh, I suppose we can grace them with our beautiful gaze

"Speak, insects!"

Every changeling in the ballroom was grinning.

Every. Single. One.

"...As always, we bring the smi-"

The entire room was green fire in seconds.

In the next...

>N-no...

"No...."

'NO! IT CANNOT BE!'

Over ninety beautiful, perfectly sculpted, alicorn sized Adonis's flexed their impeccable, glistening muscles.

>LIES! LIES AND CHEATERY! YOU USED MAGIC!

"...Wait, didn't the princess use magic with us-"

>NOT HELPING!

'W-wait! Wait a minute! They only have the looks! They don't have...'

>HO!
"HUH!"
'HUUAH!'

>"'OUR POISE!"'

>You can never match that!

~Oh, can't wee... RAINBOLTS!~

~RAINBOLTS, TOKUSENTAI!~

RAINBOOM!

>N-n-n-nooooo! NOOOO! THEIR POISE!
"THEIR STANCE IS IMPECCABLE!"
'AND THERE'S FIVE OF THEEEEEHEHEEEEMMMM!'
>"'NOOOOOOOOOOO! WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES!"'

In shame, they flexed, and lept out the nearest window.

~....you guys know you actually look ridiculous, right?~

~Someone thought our Chinyu stance was cool!~

~...Isn't a lot of us girls?~
~Yep.~
~Huh....~

Flex flex.

~Why don't we look like this more often?~
~Because no pony would want this, we look stupid.~
~That makes sense.~

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"AJ"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but uh...I need to talk to my producer about something. Now for our main guest...APPLEJACK!!!

"Ugh..."

>Oh are you still tired? Hmm can folks be tired in a dream?

"Ah am tired, but Ah helped ponies, so it's not bad...Actually it feels great to be doing something a little more physica-"

>That's all the time we have, but boy are you going to be stoked about the present I got you!
AJ wakes up

"*GASP* The presents!"

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>7
~~~

>Son of a BITCH!

The THUCK of blade into wood rang out to nothing, to nobody and no one but the singular changeling in that hidden part of Everfree forest. It joined dozens, if not hundreds of others in the tree, stacked so closely together they looked like an abnormal growth.

Impertinently, much like a child, the changeling let out a cry and pathetically began banging on the ground with his front hoof, snarling and snapping all the way.

>I'm not any fucking stronger...

He had been working for a month, pushing himself to whatever limit he could, trying as hard as he could, but it had all been useless, all for naught.

He had checked, he was no physically stronger, no physically faster, or more capable than he had been when he started, not even a little. He could already hit the bullseye with perfect precision, he could move as swiftly as any fighter, he could change in and out of a hundred different forms, his reaction times were nothing short of superb, but no amount of work could make him physically strong.

>...Is this really all I'm capable of...

The power of love could let him do practically anything when he had it, fly fast, shoot lasers, lift any weight, but only if he had a certain amount of it. If he didn't have X amount of love, he couldn't do any of that.

And it was starting to crash down on him rather hard.

>...It's not fair...

He was stronger than ponies.
He was faster than ponies.
He could fly and use magic, which most couldn't.
He could change his form, which most couldn't.
He could control their minds, take their thoughts.
He had stronger skin.
He had faster healing.
But none of that mattered if he didn't have...

>There has to be a way...

He couldn't, for the life of him, think of it, but there had to be a way.

He couldn't be dependent on them so much.

There had to be a way to gain love without resorting to ponies. There had to.

Love was supposedly one of the strongest forces in the universe, it was supposedly all around and in all things, so he raged when he pondered and found a heaping helping of nothing as far as alternatives went. He could beat them, he could sap them, he could control them... but he could not do anything without them.

>It's like a damn riddle.

Need ponies to be strong, be strong to survive ponies, solve for X, or some such nonsense.

>There has to be another way...

He said that, just like he had been saying it for a while. It hadn't magically become correct yet.

>There has to, and I have to find it, or else...

...Or else it was just going to keep happening.

Weeks passing, things happening, events going off...

And nobody thinking they needed him around. No mission, no fights, no nothing. He had to find the answer, get stronger on his own without needing to just sap more love from unreliable sources.

Or his Queen would never call on him again, and he'd never move up in their ranks. He'd always be on the level... of a flake. Just something picked up to use if they needed it, but was otherwise...

Expendable.

>...There has to be a way.

There was, he assured himself, there was.

He just needed to find it. It would come to him.

He assured himself, it would come to him.

>....There has to...

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>Guard
"Guard 2"
'Guard 3'
~~~

>...Sooo... we're just supposed to stand in front of the ballroom?

"Yep."

>...why?

"To watch the changelings."

>They can handle themselves if something goes wrong, I'd think.

"Think they meant for us to watch and make sure they don't do anything."

>Oh... are they, like, dangerous?

"Uhhh.... I dunno, I just started working here, like, a month ago. Everyone else was recruiting in my place because of some big event, and I was like "Hey, cool." So I did it."

>Pretty much the same with me. Got caught up in it, know how it go... this job pays great, though.

"Meh, could be better."

>...

"..."

>...So, should we be worried? I don't want to fight them.

"I don't know if they'll do anything, I just got here. They might be harmless."

>Didn't they invade this place?

"Well, clearly they're over that if they let them back in twice."

>Huh... were we supposed to do something?

"Yes. Watch."

>No no no. That one changeling hit that girl, right?

"Very unprofessional."

>So, hear me out, what if we're like, supposed to cheer them up?

"...Really."

>Think about it, their new place came down around their heads, had to fight monsters, they had to take a long train ride back... I dunno, maybe we're supposed to cheer them up. Seems like a guard thing to do.

"How, exactly, do you plan to do that?"

>....
~~~

'Okay, so... explain again.'

>Well, sir, uh... we thought this would work a lot better than it did.

'...'

>...Now, in hindsight, bursting in and asking if they wanna see some cool spear tricks, I see why they'd take that the wrong way. They didn't know they were safety spears. Just trying to... well, I mean, when my little sister felt bad, I would spin this bow and...

'...'

>...This all made sense before, I swear it.

'I very much doubt that.'

>...

'...Is he still alive?'

"GLK!"

>That means yes.

'...'

>...Should we go get some donuts to apologize? I feel like we should apologize.

"HRK!"

>He agrees.

'...Freakin' rookies.'

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>AJ
“Screwloose”
‘12’
_____

>…

“…”

‘…’

“As the twentieth minute of this heated staring contest comes ‘round the bend, let me just say that, yes, I am indeed a very good looking mare but not even the perv over there stares at me this long. Without blinking at least.”

‘Hyperbole, thy name is Screwloose.’

“Oh hush, you.”

>It’s funny, ya maggot-brained, hard-headed bundle of stupid… Ah’ve got this mad urge tuh’ strike ya right dead in the face. Repeatedly.

“Then have at, my fair orange princess! Here, do it here, on the left temple if I can make a suggestion.”

>…

‘…Screwloose, please? Please. I’m asking. Please.’

“Please… what? I’m being serious. She SHOULD hit me, right on the bean. I knew what I was supposed to do regarding my freedom but didn’t because I wanted to kill a bitch dead. And not only didn’t I kill said bitch, I also kinda sorta caused a whole bunch of chaos. If apple yeehaw here wanted to run me through with one of my own scalpels, it’d be a just punishment, I feel.”

‘That’s… wow, didn’t really expect all that to be honest.’

“I’m insane, not daft. I know what I did was wrong, I just don’t care.”

>Tryin’ to take the wind outta yer’ scoldin’ with admittance don’t fly with me, Screws.

“That makes two things that don’t fly then, eh?”

>…

‘…’

>Go ahead an’ laugh, Ah dare ya.

‘Wasn’t even gonna.’

“You so were.”

>Wanna get put back in a straightjacket, Loosey?

“You and I both know a straightjacket does nothing but add to my impeccable fashion, and probably stir up one of my assistants latent bondage fetishes.”

>…

‘She’s- oh come on, really? She’s lying!’

>’Bout which part, bein’ her assistant or the fetish?

“Pfffhahahaha!”

‘And to think I voted for you, too.’

>Sugar, there wasn’t a vote fer’ what Ah’ am.

‘DON’T DEVALUE MY VOTE!’

“Don’t devalue my assistant’s mentally cast vote, please.”

>…Ooookay. So anyway. Until Ah’ speak with the others, yer’ to stay confined to the castle, Screwloose. One step outside an’ ya’ lose all protection from then on.

“I see. And where will Twelve be?”

>Wherever he’s permitted.

“You know what I’m asking.”

>Yeah, Ah’ do, but ya deserved it.

“Point.”

>He can come an’ go as he pleases, so far as Ah’m concerned. If the head bug says somethin’ then it’s outta mah hooves.

“…Huh. Well alright. Go on then, go converse with your other magical fairy friends, you earth pony sellout. In the meantime, I’ll just cut myself to give a blood sacrifice for the wrong I’ve done.”

Applejack merely smiled as she turned to leave.

>Y’all can keep yer’ blood. It won’t be enough anyhow.

‘…Okay, that chilled my chitin.’

“Haaaa, hahahaha-ARF!”

>…

“…Um…”

‘…She barks when she gets nervous or feels threatened.’

“PERVERT!”

>HAWH!

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Cadence'
+Twilight+
[18]
{42}
~Celestia~
^2^
=Mane-Iac=
Sombra
`Spitfire`
(???)
~~~~

>Ahhh, now this, this right here? This is what we needed. This right here is what we ALL needed. Just a moment to sit back, relax, get this big old bucket of popcorn and watch ourselves a movie to enjoy some holiday cheer. You feel this? You feel this whole thing? This right here? This is holiday. Just me, and all of my-

Harem.

>I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, SOMBRA! IN THE VACUUM, OFF A CLIFF!

~Don't use my name like that...~

`WHOA WHOA WHOA! I didn't know I was signing up for that too! Just... little warning?`

>HE IS WRONG AND NEEDS TO HURT!

"...Anyone else notice she didn't say no?"

`I don't see why I would have to.`

"HAH!"

=AHHHHAHAHAHAH!... Aeithrio, I think you misspelled your speech, you meant harm. And Luminous Shield would never harm anyone except in the name of JUSTICE!=

`...I will never get used to you.`

"HAH! I know, she's great."

^...What IS a harem anyway?^

>Cadence! Distraction! Put the movie in!

'Oh, someone will, and I think you'll be very... very surprised...'

>...Uh... why are you looking at me like that?

"Caddy? Even I'm don't want sexy-movies right now, get the G stuff."

'WHAT!? EW! NO! My daughter is right there!'

"And Maney is right there. See the problem?"

=What does GEEEEE mean?=

"Grumpy."

=I HATE THOSE!=

^Wow, tha' ratin' system has got pretty specific.^

'New renovations. But none of that will matter, with what we have in store... Twilight?'

ZAP!

>Oh, hey Twi, didn't know you were coming too. Uh... why... why are you smiling like that?

+Ohhhh, BBBFF, it'll all become so clear, so very clear... in three... two...+

(In a world, of ice and snow....)

"Does this seem a little... home movie-ish to anyone?"

~Decent production values, but obviously shot on a home camera.~

[Does this style look... familiar to anyone else?]

{That weird lean, that sharp image... waaait a minute...is... is that voice...}

>...N-noooooo...

(Surrounded on all sides by the forces of darkness...)

>Noooooo...

(A stallion stands alone, as they come for it. And he, and only he could protect... the crown.)

>NONONONONONONONOTWILIHOWCOULDYOUUUUU!?

+MWWWAHHAHAHAHAH! AHHHHAHAHHA!+

"=+AHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!+="

+...+

"You knew we were going to join in."

+That I did.+

[So... what, what does the crown do?]

(Long ago, it was forged in the ice of the coldest winter, hidden away from the world. The ice of the crown held within it, a fire. A fire that burned... cold.)

{...Really?}

>THIS IS THE WORST!

(The fire was no ordinary fire... but a spirit.)

~That's not so bad-~

(The spirit, of the holidays.)

~...Shiny no.~

>OH DEAR FAUST WHY!

~Stop using my mother's name like that...~

(The lone stallion was all that stood in the way as the forces of darkness descended upon it, wishing to take the crown... and snuff out the very joy of the holidays.)

`Not an abstract concept! You monster!`

>WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO!?

(And now... his tail... begins...)

=...Luminous Shield? It's spelled T A L E.=

>HOW... that was a spoken line! How did you know I misspelled the script!?

(It's cold out here... cold... like your coffin.)

"CRAWWWLLIIING ON THE FLOOOOORRRR"

>Make it stop.

(You think you know cold... well, I'll have you know... my mother thought I wasn't a very Ice guy.)

'PFFFTAHAHAHAHAHAH!'

^But, wait, he said that then he started throwin' ice stuff... somethin' ain't addin' up...^

~I don't know if I would call those foam peanuts ice stuff, but astute observation nonetheless. I wish I could comment further, but I'm trying not to die laughing...~

(You seem kinda hotheaded, snowdog... chill.)

~It's not working.~

`AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHHHAHHA! O-OH DEAR FAUST I-I-IT'S JUST A RUG ON A DOOOOGGGGAHHAHAHAHAHAH!`

+Funny part? The neighbor who had that dog? No idea this happened... at least, before it turned out he rug had fleas.+

>I'M SORRY!

(If you wish to steal my crown's spirit, you'll need to be a lot more COLD in your attacks!)

{Clearly, inviting them to attack you is the wisest option.... and your fighting is terrible. Just... just awful. You didn't even throw a punch in the vicinity there! IT'S A SNOWMARE HOW DID YOU MISS!?}

(No! Not the light of the Holidays! Without it, the ponies shall never know joy again!... I must stop them.)

[I-I'm trying... I'm trying not to laugh... b-beeee suppoooorrrttiivveeee...]

(...I'll have to use an attack... a technique they'd never SNOW!)

[PFFFFEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!]

>Kill me. I'm not joking, someone kill me. Princely order, this is my command, someone end me now.

O-H NO! HERE COMES THE BIG ARMY MADE OUT OF STYROFOAM AND PULLED BY STRING!

`CAN HE WIN!?`

>Stop disobeying.

(This is it now! The final battle! I've got to show this army that it doesn't matter they're cold, I'm.......cooler.)

~...No, you absolutely did no-AHAHAHAHHAAHHA~
'I-I-ICAN'TBREEEEEEAAATHTHHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!'
`WORTHITSOWORTHITAHAHAHAHH!`
"GREATESTHEARTHSWARMINGPRESENTEVERAHAHAHAHHHA!"
+MOMYOUGLORIOUSMAREAHAHAHAHHAHA!+
M-MY LUNGS! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THEM AND THEY'RE COLLAPSING! AHAHAHAHAHAH!
[I'M SORRY SHINY I CAN'T STOPAHAHAHAHHAIWANNASTOPBUTICAN'TAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]
{H-HELP! STOIC BADASS NATURE THREATENED I CAN'T STOP AHAHAHAHAHAHA}

=....What? It looks fine to me. Am I missing something?=

^Adults are weird.^

(The world... the world is saved... but... but... but at what FROST!?)

[{"'`~...~`'"}]

~And this is how we died.~

[{"'`~AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~`'"}]

>...Two? I uh... I need some hugs right now.

^Sure!^

=Me too?=

>You know what, yes. You too.

^....They gonna be okay?^

[{"'`~AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAahahahHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA~`'"}]

>If there is any mercy in this or any other world, they'll all choke to death.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Haymaker
“Batmom”
____

>So there goes the princess….

“Mmmmhm.”

>Smiling like she won the lottery.

“A lottery of apples, one might say.”

>Leaving for wherever her hooves take her.

“Blessed be the apple on her journey.”

>…And totally forgetting to give us further instruction. Are we supposed to just stand outside this door or… what? What do we do?

“Well, solar colt, you can hang around here if you want. As for me, I’ve got an adorable ball of chitin that has some long overdue kisses coming.”

>Can’t tell if you mean your husband or the little one….

She shrugged.

“Why not both?”

>Why not indeed….

And so the walk back began.

>...

"..."

>Soooo, just curious... I've seen you around before and your hips were never that wide. Byproduct of pregnancy?

"Wow. No shame in your game, huh?"

>What shame? I'm just asking a question to pass the time.

"Oh, are you? Then answer me this: how long before you have a potato of your own, hm?"

>...I don't even know what you... oh. Oh, fuck you.

"You could even show her the real meaning of your name, heh."

>...How in the hell could I do a haymaker with my-

"HAHAHAHA! Dumb. Ass."

>You know what? Let's not talk, yeah? Yeah. Silence is best.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"32"
'Actarius'
~~~

How the hell the door made a prissy noise when it slammed open was something Actarius would forever question.

Twenty Nine was an enigma that had no answer.

>Pardon me, servant! I am here to meet with my brother, as scheduled.

'...Servant? Really? Aren't you a secretary too?'

>I am a mayoral assistant!

'I'm an ambassador's assistant. I think that's higher on the list.'

>HRMPH!

'Ugh... Boss? Your Five o' clock is here.'

"Delightful! Send him in, I am in need of some... love."

Twenty Nine's eye twitched, but Actarius merely blinked.

'Boss? You okay? You did the pause thing again. You sure you don't want me to make an appointment with the doctor? You do that a lot.'

"...Sigh. Just send him in.'

With a shrug, Actarius's hoof left the intercom, and the other changeling was ushered into the room, where a mildly annoyed Thirty Two awaited him.

He did not stay annoyed for long.

"Brother! How goes my favorite changeling that I have never tried to stab at some point."

>...Oddly specific.

"I am nothing if not proper in my filing. So! What can I do for you, oh brother of mine?"

>You know why I am here.

"Oh yeeesss, I do seem to recall a certain reason, yes. I'm going to-"

>Don't.

"...It's time for me to-"

>Brother, I beg of thee.

"...I'm going to get some love."

>Acceptable.

"HA HA! Jokes on you, it was still innuendo."

>Must you be so crass!? I am merely keeping you fed, as our QUEEN surely does not care if thou starves, and thou refuses to just Ling up and drain thy friend!

"Dear Pommel needs his strength in recent days, I'm afraid. So, I will have to accept that I must submit to you and let you pour your love into me as you so please. I must, indeed... lie back, and think of Equestria. I'll try to make the best of it."

>...I hate thee sometimes.

"Do not be silly, you love me and all I do. NOW! Would you like to sit upon the desk so I can drain you from the front, or would you prefer I be on the floor so you can get a better angle?"

The changeling sighed, walked around the desk, and held out his hoof for the other to grab. Sadly, as he so often did, the other changeling preferred to snap out, and capture his hooftip in his mouth.

"Mmmm!.... MMMM!....MMMMHMMHMMM!"

If Twenty Nine had ever feared he had broken his ability to twitch his eye, those fears were put to rest around the time his 'brother' started banging his hoof on the desk, shaking and rattling it while moaning out in an almost mocking way.

It lasted twenty long, long, loooong minutes, but eventually the other changeling was 'refilled' so to speak, and thus Twenty Nine had a week of freedom before they did this dance again

"Ohhh, brother, you know how to fill a changeling up..."

>...You signed off for my imported package for Zecora, right? I need not fear the insane rates of such shipment?

"Thine Zebra friend shall be satisfied this Hearth's Warming, brother!... Perhaps in multiple ways if she is thrilled enough to 'thank' you properly for such extravagance."

A twitch, but otherwise ignored.

>...And mine Cousin's request to look into side hoof-to-hoof training, fulfilled?

"Dear Pommel had to pull some strings, but he was quite eager to help an old friend. Your little 'cousin' may begin his training whenever he shall please!"

>Good, good...

"And my present?"

>Shall be given on the day of, not before. I do not trust thee not to peak.

"Is it your-"

>It is platonic.

"You are bad at gifts."

>Ugh! I do not need this! Mine stress levels in this time of year have been through the roof! If it keeps up, I am going to...

Nothing annoyed him more than watching those eyebrows waggle.

>Shut up.

"Just remember, if you ever need a place to offload all of that stress, and happen to be in Canterlot, well... door's open, whenever."

>THINE SPEECH DRIVES ME INSANE! Good day!

"Good day to you! Hurry up and fuck the Zebra already-"

>STOP CALLING HER THAT!

"Hurry up and fuck Zecora already!"

>BETTER!

"..."

>...No, wait... SHUT UP!

"HA HA! At least insist that your mayor friend engage in some 'holiday cheer'!"

>SILENCE!

"I mean, I suppose I would be satisfied if you only went for the Unicorn, but only just."

>Do not insult mine friends! ONLY I MAY DO THAT!

"Heh."

>BEGONE

"My office."

>...Right.

Sheepishly, he opened the door, shuffling his way out, and coming face to face with a wide eyed, shocked Actarius.

>...uh.

"Oh, Actarius, do not stare, he was merely giving me my recommended dose of..."

Tellingly, he licked and slurped at his lips.

"Love... I'm quite, ohhh, full to bursting."

The horror was real.

What was a little unreal was the earth pony's passive shrug.

'Uh, I don't wanna sound offensive, but does he have a disorder? JJ just needs to grab hooves, why'd he have to put his mouth on your hoof? Is it better for you guys if that's how you do it? Like... does that have less falloff, or is it faster?... I'm sorry, like I said, trying not to be offensive. Is hoof-to-mouth better for love stuff? Cause he's loud, JJ mostly is pretty quiet when he gets love aside from a couple sounds. Is it different for changelings to make noises when they're getting love? Like... what was the point of the banging, did you hurt him or something? Why not just do the hoof thing if it hurts?... is this racist?'

Actarius, in the next second, doesn't know what confused him more. His boss's eye twitching as his face screwed up in... some undecided emotion, or the changeling falling to the floor in laughter.

'Er... sorry?'

"...Go on lunch, Actarius."

'Uh, boss? It's five o' clock, I'm clocking out in ten minutes-'

"I SAID GO TO LUNCH!"

Hurridly, the pony made his escape.

"...It pains my intelligence that I'm not able to tell if he's faking or not."

>I CAN'T BREATH!

"OH SHUT UP!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cherry Jubilee"
~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and my producer was kind enough to get us enough funding for a proper bar in the back! Now for our main guest...CHERRY JUBILEE!!!

"Pinkie Pie? When did we get here and why do I feel wet?"

>That's me trying to wake you.

"Oh is this your sho-"

>Do you what the definition of a ravine is? It's basically a narrower canyon that was carved by a stream.

"Uh yes that sounds about ri-"

>Good because that's the end of our show and possibly our last episode because we're going to die if you don't- WAKE UUUUUUUP!!!
Cherry wakes up.

"Huh wuh? Whoa, I was dreamin' about a ravine."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Applejack"
~~~~

He never paused when the door to his office opened. At this point, he was quite used to it, and who it most probably was.

>If you're here to mess up my papers, fair warning, there is a mousetrap inside that...

"...Just wanted ta' drop off a request for a formal pass fer' Sunset."

This one was new.

>Ah. Good, that mousetrap thing was a lie.

"Huh... why do ya'll put up with her?"

>Can someone get Stockholm Syndrome if they just sort of move in with you? I sort of feel like the guy who's house caught fire, but now is so used to it that if it went out it would be unbearably cold.

"...That probably ain't healthy."

>What part of my life is healthy? I've been seriously hospitalized three times now. I was sorta-dead once.

"...Point. Guess Ah' should count Mah'self lucky Ah' ain't been hurt that bad yet."

>You may call yourself whatever you wish, I personally call myself 'jealous'.

"Yer' jealous Ah' ain't been near dead yet?"

>Wow, that came out wrong... so! Papers!

"Yeah... thanks fer' goin' easy on Sunset, by the way. Ah' know what she did made ya' ticked off somethin' fierce, and Ah' don't blame ya'. Guess yer' just a forgivin' type."

>...yeah... forgiving type.

"...Somethin' wrong?"

>Hm? Oh, no, just uh... just thinking of how weird it is! Right. Wouldn't have thought anyone would call me that before this mess. Was seriously considering setting fire to the ballroom in revenge.

"Ah' wouldn'a noticed the difference till' ya' pointed it out."

>Heh.

"...Ya' sure that's everything?"

>Oh, yeah. Obviously... well! Excuse me for a second, but I need to use the stallions room. Just leave it on my desk, and I bid you adieu. Take it easy, Applejack.

A bit hastier than she thought he should, he beat a retreat.

"Yeah, you too... hrm... Ah' wonder.........."

SNAP!

"SHININ' YOU LYIN' ASSHOLE!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
"DT"
'SS'
~~~

"Are you STILL being huffy? You know what? I don't even care. Be huffy. You know how little I care about you being huffy? This is how little I care... Hey! Silver Spoon! Lets go get us some carrot smoothies, because there is absolutely nothing else of any note going on right now, and we could use a time to relax."

>...You don't have to be a dick about it.

'Spike? Diamond Tiara has exactly one personality trait. It is not 'nice pony'.'

"Don't you backstab me! You're MY Best Friend, you take my side by default!"

'It is also not 'uncontrolling'.'

>Look, it's a personal thing, I'll try not to let it affect us.

"You better! Because I swear to TBDRLIATU's gorgeous shiny behind, I will END YOU IF YOU MESS THIS UP AGAIN!"

>...His 'what'!?

"You heard me! She, not you, was the one who finally managed to get me back on the A-team, DESPITE certain dragons saying THEY would do it, and certain FRIENDS who were going around behind my back!"

'I still want to know how you found out about that.'

"POINT IS! If she punched you into the floor, you take it as a training exercise and you STOP WHINING!"

>...

'...Diamond Tiara, friendship councilor.'

>She could give Twilight a run for her money.

"DAMN STRAIGHT! Now!... Does anyone actually want to go get smoothies? I'm really thirsty for some reason."

'Screaming will do that.'

"I do not scream, I insist firmly."

>Look, me and Forty Two will work this out.

"GOOD! Now lets go!"

'We never said yes.'

"You never needed to!"

>...

'You know, somehow, despite it all... she's actually a really reliable friend when you get right down to it.'

>Everyone needs one positive trait, I guess... except Chrysalis.

"MARCH!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"DT"
'Trixie'
~Workers~
~~~~

>...

"..."

'...'

'Does anyone else feel really... heavy for some reason? Like there is a giant weight that is pressing down on all of us?'

"Shhh, no talking in the elevator, that's a rule."

'Since when?'

"Since I, being of actual importance, made it a rule."

>HAH!

"And what does that mean you oversized pillbug!?"

>You, important? HAH! You can't be serious!

"MY DADDY COULD BUY AND SELL YOU!"

>I could literally make your daddy give me all his money and then punch himself so hard in the dick you are retroactively not born. Do not tempt me.

'...Trixie finds it very creepy that is actually a thing you can do.'

"PFFT! Good luck! TBDRLIATU here would turn you into insect pudding if you even tried!"

>Oh no, boomy metal things. However will I easily use telekinesis to casually toss them away, or form a magical barrier to block the explosions, or even just teleport away without giving a fuck. Or hell, I could just let it hit me, not like it would do shit.

'W-well... well Trixie is actually...'

"THINK THAT! Go ahead! THINK THAT! You think that right up until I put a CASTLE CRUSHER in your tiny ass!"

>Says the one flat as a board.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

>Face it, you're about as threatening as Blueberry over there. Miss.. whoever the fuck she is.

'I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW TRIXIE IS BEING TRAINED BY THE PRINCESS HERSELF!'

>Bullllshiiiiit.

"Yeah, really? Come on."

>Maybe you don't know this, being a loser, but I actually know all of the princesses personally. And, just to clarify, Celestia was joining me in jello shooting yesterday, Twi-bright was doing lab shit with me, Fluttershy was working on controlling her candy-corn powers, and Applejack was being lame.

'NO! THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT PRINCESS!'

>...You can't be serious... Rarity?

"Really now? Rarity? That's just... I feel bad for you. More than I did just by you existing, I mean. She is sub-me tier, more than most even!"

'NO! PRINCESS LUNA!'

"..."

>...is THAT where she's been? She's been training some nobody with a stupid hat? Oh, Lulu... you were always useless.

'TRIXIE'S HAT IS NOT STUPID!'

"It really, really is."

'Says the filly compensating for the stallionhood she'll never have!'

"WHAT!?"

>Even I could see that one. Reaaally wish you had been born with another leg, eh?

"HE IS PURE RAW POWER!"

>Totally different from how a stallion would describe their dick.

'Yeah, lots of stallions want their junk to have power, that's not exactly special.'

>Much like you.

'OHHHHH!'

"She was talking to you!"

>I was actually talking to both of you. Compared to the changeling Queen, you're both kind of... meh.

"THAT'S IT!"

'TRIXIE HAS TAKEN ALL SHE CAN TAKE AND SHE CAN'T TAKE NO MORE!'

"BURRNNNN!"

>Yawn.

~~~~

~Hey, Pitch? Why'd elevator five stop?~

~Huh... good question. What could have stopped the whole thing?~

>Filly hit it with a rocket launcher.

~....~

>Not my fault.

~...~

>...call an ambulance, they're both exploded pretty bad. Confined spaces, not the best choice for heavy munitions.

~...~

~...I feel like I should know who you are, but I don't, and it's bothering me.~

~She looks like she should be distinct, doesn't she? But... uhhh...~

>EXCUSE ME!?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Silver Spoon
"Spike"
~~~

>...So how long until she realizes we didn't follow?

"I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt, and just say she'll realize it pretty soon, and act completely reasonably-"

BOOOM!

>...

"...that's probably unrelated..."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Discord
"???"
~~~

>This isn't any fun at all!

How he had ended up in a volcano, he knew perfectly well. The searing fire was nothing compared to the irritation in his heart.

>If you're going to act childish about this I am taking my toys and I am going home!

He reached down, picking up the entire volcano in a sack and putting it on the ends of a stick, pointing his nose to the sky as he tried to walk off.

Only to end up in an icy tundra seconds later, sans volcano.

>I'm sure you realize, this means wa-

"AH HHAHHH!"

It struck him so fast even he smarted a little. Before he could even react to the pain the object cause, a hoof mashed his nose in once more, and he stared into annoyed, angry eyes... er, EYE, the other was... distracted?

"Do you have any idea how hard you are to track down!? I had to go through sixteen jungles forty cities eight dozen towns four volcano's six deserted islands fifteen mountaintops six strip clubs forty two town halls nine endless roads five paths to nowhere twenty two lands of the lost eight ends of the earth nine leaping lands ten tripping tops four butterscone factories two real estate novelist conventions a half dozen skyboxes ten cloud-nines one of the moons and a freaking walking muffin to find your jumpy snaky behind now SIGN FOR THIS PACKAGE!"

>...

".."

With a flourish, a big red X appeared on the signature portion.

"Good enough!"

>..Hrmph! whole day for a single package? You get no tip!

"B-but... but it's Hearth's Warming."

>HRMP!

"...okay..."

Defeated, the grey, blond maned pegasi fluttered away.

>Hrm! The nerve of some ponies... I bet she even shook my cookies... oh you little bi-

She never stopped flying, even when a mushroom cloud erupted from behind her and a blinding light filled the world.

"Huh... why would he order a bomb? That Discord guy sure is crazy... hey!"

She didn't know why a bag of bits had rained from the sky.

She wasn't complaining.

"Thanks!"

Above her, the start twinkled just a bit.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Daw
"Pommel"
~~~

>Ya' know, it probably isn't that bad. Apparently the last guy sucked worse then the cheapest whore in the bottom of the boat, it ain't like ya' got a huge standard ta' live up to.

"It's not just about that, this is easily the second time I royally messed up in this month. Between my guard getting reamed one hard by Sunset Shimmer, being wildly unhelpful for any major event going on, and somehow accidentally being responsible for you-know-who reappearing... yeah."

>Er, that last one was my fault, wasn't it?

"...Was it? You never interacted with him like I did."

>Still somehow managed it.

"Point. Ugh... I'm just going to take my medicine. She's got every right to be angry at me."

>She could'a just woke you up.

"On what planet does the princess have to go get her own guard? That's literally the opposite of how the guard-princess relationship is supposed to be!"

>Just tryin' to be helpful.

"Ugh..."

>...So, what the fuck is this Hearth's Warmin' crap?

"Oh, right, guess you wouldn't celebrate it... long story."

>Uh huh... I got time.

"I don't, unfortunately, I'll have to tell you later."

>Ahhh. Pity, was hoping for a quicky.

"...You monster."

>I do it because I can. Now go beg for your forgiveness, and if she brings out the strap on just tell yourself 'it's all for Equestria!'

"...Ew..."

>Never gonna get used to me, are you?

"I'd say no."

>...good.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________