UDDUP 204 PR - IrritatingSquirrel -- PRPR - meterion

UDDUP 204 PR - IrritatingSquirrel -- PRPR - meterion

[028]
The order to capture Tooyama Haruka, initialized by each area's forces, was simultaneously released.
The order to capture Tooyama Haruka has been withdrawn
# 'each area's forces' is probably important (more than one side collaborating), should not have been removed

[029]

Why are you coming to that conclusion!?
What brings you to that conclusion!?

If it has come to this-
If it's come to this-

[030]
I'll explain it all to you later. My conjecture, that is.
It's conjecture. I'll explain it all to you later.
# Awkward wording here. Original works better.

[031]
We will now enter the incubation period!
We're entering the incubation period!

We will quietly watch for any circumstances arise starting now, and emerge only at the moment it counts!
Starting now, we will watch quietly, and emerge only at the most important moment!
# should have included what they are watching

[033]
In here, I permit you to freely roam as you wish.
In here, I permit you to roam freely.

However, if you attempt to escape to any restricted area, that collar will surge with electricity. Remember this.
However, if you attempt to enter any restricted areas, that collar will deliver an electric shock. Remember this.

[036]
She is a unique, one-of-a-kind model.
She is a one-of-a-kind model.
{Maybe add a note, not sure if it's necessary or explained by context} [PR note: he literally refers to her in this way, as if she were an object]

Minimize the stress as much as possible for the inspection I've informed you about previously, and perform it with the utmost care and patience.
Perform the inspection I discussed with you before, and do it carefully, patiently. Minimize the stress as much as possible.
{Alternatively, change 'I discussed with you before' to 'I told you about'. I don't know enough about the character, but if he's the over-authoritative type, and gives lots of firm orders, the second would probably be better}

[038]
This place is Zashid-sama's harem, called the "court"
This is "The Court", Zashid-sama's harem.

I'm his fifth wife and chief physician, Jill
I'm Jill, the chief physician, and his fifth wife.
# the current wording implies she is specifically /his/ chief physician

...The fifth...
...His fifth...?
{Personally I feel this fits more as a questioning thought, but feel free to ditch the question mark if you disagree}

[039]
All of the wives here, including me, plan to serve as wombs for the ova extracted from you.
All of the wives here, including me, will serve as surrogates for the ova extracted from you.

If the examination deems you healthy
If the examination finds you healthy

We will promptly use an ovulation-inducing drug and then prepare you.
We will promptly induce your ovulation with drugs and prepare you for the extraction.

It doesn't hurt at all, so please pass the time peacefully
It won't hurt at all, so please don't worry
{I felt 'pass the time peacefully' sounded weird. If changing it to 'don't worry' messes up the meaning too much, flip it back}

[041]
...So Duhana's main force has come to dispose of me, huh...?
So, Duhana's main force is coming to dispose of me, huh...?
{I felt the first set of ellipsis were too much, and I can't see if they were there in the Japanese, so feel free to put them back in}

...So it has finally come down to this...
So, it's finally come to this...
{same as above}

[043]
A member of the family appearing in person
A family member coming in person

must mean our father is fairly pissed off as well, hm?
must mean Father is pissed off as well, hm?
{changed 'our father' to Father because it seems like they are actually family. If it's 'family as in the mob kind of way, it should probably change back. Although, in that case, it might be sensible to change family to Family}
# 'our father' is an appropriate way to refer to actual family

I anticipated that this would happen, so I came to your rescue.
I anticipated this happening, so I came to rescue you.

You're going to personally put me on trial so I'll be put to shame?
You're going to trial my personally, and put me to shame?
# trial used as a verb here is awkward, use the original phrase. my is also grammatically incorrect

I should cut to the chase when it comes to Taos...
With Taos, I should cut to the chase...

[044]
Flashy words would only leave doubts.
Fancy wording would only make him doubt me.

To put it frankly, truth is, I've failed as well
To put it frankly, I also failed.

I've fallen into a situation where I've been driven out of office by our father
I've been driven out of office by Father.
# should have the implication that he's fallen/come to this point that he asks him to join forces

[045]
Are you going to just sit here, captured, waiting for death!?
Will you just sit here, waiting for death?

Or are you planning to be disposed of after waiting for the old man to pursue you!?
Or are you planning to let the old man catch and dispose of you!?

What if you fight and advance together with me!?
Or, will you fight together with me!?

There are three choices to choose from!
Those are your three choices!

[046]
I don't care if you're lying or whatever...
I don't care if this is a lie, or what...

Even if I couldn't succeed, at least... // I'm going to show that fiend that I was heroic!
Even if I failed, I will at least... // Show that fiend that I was heroic!

Just sever these chains. From now on, I will be under your command.
Just unchain me. From now on, I will follow you.
# original has a more of a symbolic notion of freedom or rescue in addition to the literal. Consider it

Us brothers need to stick together if we're ever going to reign victorious over our father
We brothers need to stick together if we're ever going to defeat our father
# Needs a period

[047]
That fiend isn't so naïve.
He isn't that naïve.

But, we're also that fiend's sons
But, we're sons of that old fiend

Grade: PASS