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a guest Apr 10th, 2012 72 Never
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  1.         The town of Hartsville was a small settlement of around seven hundred people, hundreds of kilometers away from the nearest town. Its only connection to the outside world was a run-down, New Deal-era road, which the citizens routinely burned in effigy to protest the evils of Socialism. Alongside the road laid a vast expanse of barren dust, interrupted only by the occasional fencepost or piece of farming equipment that was yet to be buried by the perpetual dust storms. The farms had been abandoned for decades; crop rotation was suspected of being a conspiracy to damage profits and subsequently banned outright. In the town proper, small ranch-style homes were aligned in a North-South grid, separated by four-meter walls equipped with signs warning immigrants, minorities, and Communists of the patriotic gun-owners within.
  2.         The town center consisted of several businesses along Main Street, which was the only paved road in town. The business owners meticulously groomed and maintained the broad, pristine avenue in hopes that one day, someone else in town would be able to afford a car in which to drive on it. At one end of Main Street sat an empty lot; at the opposite end of Main Street sat the local Church of Reagan, which was symbolically constructed using the white bricks of the old Government building, which once occupied the empty lot. The incorporation of the Government building made the Church all the more imposing. The sheer white columns were adorned with countless depictions of Reagan, his Endeavors, and his eagle, named Free Market Economics.
  3.         Every Sunday, the citizens of Hartsville all put on their best clothes and marched down to the Church. There they paid their legally-mandated Church "fees" (uttering the word taxes without shouting and firing automatic weapons into the air was punishable by hanging) and listened to Reverend Dolan's sermons. Dolan, a Reagan Priest, preached about the eternal nuclear war waged by Emperor Jesus and His Holiness Ronald Reagan I against the Red Communist Satan and his legions of homosexual immigrants. He also gave the children private lessons concerning the sanctity of abstinence, free market economics, and interventionist foreign policy.
  4.         After the ceremonies concluded, the people of Hartsville returned to their jobs, where they worked eight hours of overtime without pay, just as His Holiness Lord Reagan I would have wanted. They would conclude the day of piety by drinking heavily, playing Reagan Ball, and symbolically beheading a scarecrow labelled "The Liberal Elite". The many children were then put to sleep at eight o' clock, and the married adults engaged in non-pleasurable, purely procreational intercourse before retiring.
  5.         In the morning, the women would awake first and prepare a proper breakfast of bacon and Freedom Fries for the men and children. The children would then skip merrily off to their private lessons with Father Dolan, and the men would pack their briefcases before heading off to work. All of the men would first pass the Church, where they would hurl profanities at the crucified corpse of a Union official before continuing to their jobs. While the men were at work and the children at their "lessons", the women saw to their duties around the home. They ensured that the houses were clean, the guns loaded,  and the childrens' rooms free of pornography, educational literature, or toy dinosaurs not accompanied by historically accurate toy humans. After completing their wifely duties, the women would hold meetings, where they would sew clothing and discuss parenting techniques. Common discussions included how to best keep children on the righteous side of the eternal nuclear war over the Great America in the Sky, and by what means a good mother should ritually sacrifice her child; were they to be corrupted by the Atheistic Evolutionist Satanofascists. While crucifixion was the most common punishment, lynching and stoning were popular alternatives among the younger mothers.
  6.         The town of Hartsville, however glorious and enlightened, was doomed, as are all great civilizations, to one day meet its end. On a hot summer day, while the children were playing Reagan Ball in the fallow fields with the emblamed head of a federal postal worker, the first truck in years rumbled down the old highway. Fearing that the tyrannical government had finally come to take away their hard-earned liberty, they rushed to their houses and fetched the guns that they, as hard-working citizens and lovers of freedom, were legally obligated to own, and rushed out to meet the intruder. Upon meeting the vehicle on the outskirts of town, the collection of good Reaganites discovered that the driver was, in the words of the Reagan Church's Divine Record of Occurances, a "damned Ayrab". Due to the driver's excess supply of melanin, he was promptly burned alive on the steps of the Reagan Church. Father Dolan recited the tale of Reagan's Sixth Endeavor while encouraging Emperor Jesus to look down upon them in favor from the Great America in the Sky. That night there was a great thunderstorm, and a bolt of lightning struck a suburban home. Since the town had long since run out of fresh water, and the secrets of building pumps had been lost with the burning of the last scientist, the fire department attempted to combat the blaze with the town's Strategic Coca Cola Reserve, but to no avail.
  7.         After the fire department drained dry the Coca Cola reserve, which was the town's only supply of drink, Father Dolan announced that the lightning bolt was the long, pointy appendage of Ronald Reagan himself. Convinced that this was a sign from above, the townspeople captured and burned the house's former occupants next to the ashes of the previous night's Arab. Without a source of drink, the townspeople slogged through the small lakes of rainwater that dotted the suburbs, looking for unopened cans of cola. One of them, a Reaganite initiate named Cletus, pried open the back doors of the Arab's abandoned truck. Seeing what was inside, he immediately contacted Father Dolan, and they returned with the whole town.
  8.         Inside the truck, surrounded on all sides by a tightly packed mixture of lice and hay, was a nuclear warhead. Father Dolan saw this as a chance for he and his flock to reenact Reagan's Sixth Endeavor, in which he smote the evil Arabs with nuclear weapons from Heaven, converting their mighty empire from sand into dust. However, since the townspeople knew of no way to find Arabs, and had no means of firing the warhead over great distances towards the evil liberals in the Empire of Canada. Determined to smite their enemies with the bomb, which they had dubbed "Freedom", the townsfolk constructed a large catapult from the beams of abandoned homes.
  9.         Some weeks later, a truck approached the town via the New Deal-era road. Inside was a doctor from Canada, who had come to offer the townsfolk free medicine and teach them to read. Determined to fight for their freedom from such treacherous oppression, the ten citizens of Hartsville who had not yet died of thirst fired the catapult with a powerful cry of "Libery!", and launched forth nuclear Freedom towards their enemy.
  10.         Contrary to the beliefs of the inhabitants of Hartsville, fragments of ancient houses are not suitable components for a catapult, and Reagan Priests are not well-educated in their construction. As a result of this unfortunate misunderstanding, Freedom soared through the air for about six feet before violently exploding on the pavement in front of the dehydrated freedom fighters. The fireball could be seen from as far away as the Great Reaganite Palace in Birmingham, where the inhabitants believed it to be a signal of Emperor Jesus' arrival on Earthmerica. The subsequent death of 80% of Birmingham's population from radiation poisoning, or as the Reaganites called it "Liberty Flu", proved otherwise. So ended the long and illustrious history of the glorious and enlightened town of Hartsville, whose former location was marked with a sign reading "Hartsville Crater". It's location was forgotten, however, after the sign was stolen, and the long-lost secrets the ruin may hold are lost to modern science forever.
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