my feelings and thoughts pt3

I always dwell on the past, everything about it. My feelings, who i was with, the way everything worked. I don’t think anyone really understands what I mean, really. It’s almost like my life was better than it is now, not speaking about physically or school work or anything like that. I was just happy. I’m happy now, but there was a different kind of happiness then. It was almost like I could be sad, but I was still happy. And I know that it doesn’t make any sense to you. But I can’t even begin to explain the vast feelings I had. For so many people. Two people specifically. I trusted them with my life. With my happiness. With my feelings. And even if they broke those things, I would always find myself forgiving them. I couldn't tell you why. It’s just this incredible thing inside of my head was telling me, “You know what? It’s fine, nothing is going to change. You're still gonna love the people you loved yesterday. You're still gonna wake up with so many people supporting you in everything you do. So it’s okay.”

And I thank those two people every day in my head, for all the memories, for all the sleepless nights, for all the tears, for all the times i could go sleep just knowing they were there. And I know now that none of it matters to them anymore. That it was just a point in their life. That everything moves on. But to me, it’s so much more. Sure it was just a point in my life, but it was one of the happiest times in my life. All the worries seemed to be for a good reason, I had no worries about anything except for them. It just took my mind off of so much. I was so content with everything that happened. Sure there were times where things got rocky but I knew that it would be fine. And It’s really crazy to think that one time I hung out with them and that was my last time doing it.

I regret so much during those times too, i regret not taking chances that could’ve changed me for the better, those chances that you get one of, And that's it. Those chances that you took advantage of and regret it without a doubt in your soul. I still regret some of those today. And I know I made bad decisions that possibly ruined things with them. And in the end I feel like I should take the blame for what happened. I don't know, life just got really crazy, really fast. And I really wasn’t prepared to lose those people. I had those first few months that I was like, “You know it’s fine i’m sure i’ll see them soon” and then it just never happened. It’s so sad to me. God, I miss it so much. I’m sorry for everything, even the things that you all didn’t think was a big deal. I’m sorry. And that goes for everyone that reads this. Any time I have ever done you wrong, I’m sorry.

-reece w