If you care about me you might want to read this

So let's make a small (became somewhat big because lot's on my mind) pastebin to why i'm not streaming lately.

I'm insanely bored with lot's of things lately.
Shovel Knight bores me to death (i mean i speedran the game for 2.5 years).
I don't feel like practicing anything new or even derusting anything.
My Mega Man 4 speedrun Learning goes absolutely nowhere (still stuck at ring man stage).
My programming doesn't go anywhere either.

So i'm a bit out of options lately. I'm still planning to work on the MeYeM because i love this mini marathon and wouldn't stop because of anything ^^.
And i'm still planning to speedrun specter knight on steam release (wish they wouldn't have done that stupid switch prerelease but well they probably need money since shovel knight have been out for so long now).

I usually don't pay attention to what people say about me. But i didn't take a shower for 3 weeks and we have been hosting my second niece (not the one that lives with me and my mom, another one) and she took 5 showers in 7 days and litteraly came home just to do that. Leaving without saying anything and not even leaving enough money (like she gave 80€(90$)in 3 months?). So we told her that she won't leave unless she puts money into the gas so me my mom can finally take a shower and she started crying and threaten us to call the police if we didn't let her leave the house. So i had no choice to let her out on the hand other she is forbidden to enter and went to the bad side of my mom (which is insanely hard to do because my mom is the nicest person on earth (probably too nice))

And now we have the familly bitching on my mom again because she kicked out her granddaughter which makes it heavy on my mind.

In addition to that my mom got scammed twice and i have to deal with that too.

Job hunting is still going nowhere.

The only good thing that happended is the fact i fixed my sleep schedule but the stress might fuck it up again

To be honest i'm not streaming also because i'm kinda ashamed to show myself because i have not been able as i said to take a shower for way too long and not able to cut my hair and don't have the will to even shave.

It's really starting to be a bit too much, i won't do anything reckless obviously i'm not that kind of person but it's too much really. I've been dealing with this for 5 years now and it's not getting better.

I wanted to maybe get to a point where my stream would get me enough money to say that i can pay everything and not having to stress about that but streaming is something i want to keep fun and i don't want streaming to become a source of income, that's probably why i might actually remove the donation button at some point. I mean i'm happy when i get donations,... but i kinda feel it's not right because i'm not delivering the content i want to in the way i want to.

I felt like things were going better just to crash down again. Frankly i never thought my life would be that way 6 years later when i started my Computer Sciences Bachelier.

The fact i'm not streaming is also that i want you people to enjoy my stream and my mindset is so bad that i wouldn't be able to make an enjoyable stream. I cried only two times : When i lost my grandmother and when i lost my dad... writing this pastebin is the third time.

I don't even know if i'm somewhat skilled in programming or not since nobody wants to give me a chance.

and i'm locked for any other job because of that Bachelier.

I also feel like i don't have enough passion to make anything work, i like diversity but that's not how you get things to work your way for you so i'm not able to put hours and hours into anything:
- I want to learn game dev but i'm not passionate enough to push myself to do so.
- I love speedrunning but i'm unable to learn anything new besides shovel knight.
- I wanted to start learning pixel art but i'm so bad at drawing that i can't bring myself to go past those hours of practice just to become somewhat good
- i Want to create streaming tools but i have a hard time to learn the things i need to create those tools.
- i want to go to sgdq or agdq but i'm too  afraid to ask people to help me get there and also afraid to make a poor performance while being there
- When i try to reassure people about things i'm litteraly lying to myself because i'm not even doing the things i tell them to do.

My life is a real mess and i don't know how to put things into order.
My life has been a facade for 25 years because i was always afraid to be myself.
The only moment i'm somewhat myself is when i'm streaming.
I'll never get mad at anyone in their face. Surprisingly enough the only person i yell at is my mom because i care for her
and i don't want her to do stupid things and it makes me feel so bad when i yell at her because i'm not able to do that to
people that deserve i should actually yell at.

I wish i could stop crying while writing this my keyboard is wet now god dammit.

I think that's all i have on my mind right now.

I'll be back to streaming somewhat soon i guess but i need to put things back into perspective first.

Hope i didn't say anything wrong with my broken english.

Have a good day everyone hope my miserable state didn't make your day sad ^^.