My friend’s little brother who we taught to play magic came visiting from out of town with a tale of how shitty the magic players are in the boonies. He and some friends went over to play at some guy’s house. We’ll call this guy Optimus Wolfie . Why? Because that’s what he wants people to call him. So it’s a fat neckbeard with full sleeve marvel tattoos who is the embodiment of the smug emote, bitches about the casual “non-tournament rules” the kids know, brags constantly about having won “hella nasty cash” on the tournament circuit, and in general is just insufferable. The crowning achievement;
after giving up explaining how a combo just won him the game he shouts “fuck it I’m done with this shit” and throws his cards in another kid’s face.
Then of course, because those are valuable cards he just threw starts gathering them up.

That story would’ve been funny if it ended there when the kid told us his story, and it seemed like your typical ass who takes a children’s game too seriously. But then as we asked some more questions and it turns out –surprise surprise- the neckbeard didn’t know the rules and was cheating. For those of you who don’t really know or care about magic you can probably stop reading here, but here’s a quick list of the fuck ups that kinda show fatty had never set foot in a tournament, let alone won anything at them.

1. After winning he tried to convince a kid ante rules are still official, but then fucks up ante rules and says the winner gets to search the loser's deck after the game and take any card he wants. There are two what the christ parts of this; first off Optimus Wolfie is like 23-25, that means ante rules went away when he was in like kindergarden. Second, he ignores the rare old cards worth 10 bucks a pop to try and convince the kid to give him a modern card that went for like 2-3 dollars while it was tournament legal and probably is 4 for a buck now.

2. He was using a land destruction deck that revolved around turning his own land into creature lands, then destroying all land, while of course ignoring that his land was still land, but of course he could still tap it for mana.


tldr: 25 year old manchild tries to regale a group of 16-20 year old kids with his mastery of magic and tales of the pro-tour. Then tries to steal their cards. Fails as hard at this as he does at life.