The Guy Who Won't Die

>be me, Bonky
>at work with my friend Pickle Homer
>our job is to spear crucified people to make sure they are dead
>my friend Pickle Homer has speared someone, but I did not look too closely
>the next day
>I get a call on my cell
>"Hello Bonky!"
>"Hello Boss!"
>"Not today, Bonky."
>"Huh?"
>"You will not be spearing anyone today."
>"Why not?"
>"Because Pickle Homer speared someone and they did not die."
>"What?"
>"They did not die."
>"What?!?"
>"They did not die. Pickle Homer speared them, they screamed, Pickle Homer jumped up and down on
the fuck out of them. They screamed some more. They did not die."
>"Okay, boss, I'm on my way."
>"No! You will not spear anyone. Pickle Homer will fucking spear them himself. So get
out of my sight."
>"But boss!"
>"I said go!"
>"Okay boss."
>I have to get my job back
>i go to the hill where people are crucified
>Pickle Homer is there
>i ask him about this guy who won't die
>"well i speared him, and he screamed, and i laughed and jumped up and down on
the fuck out of him and screamed some more, and he didnt die, and i ran here
to get you, but the boss told me to spear him myself or i wouldnt have a job"
>"okay"
>Pickle Homer spears him
>he screams
>he's still not dying
>"we have to get this guy to die." i say
>"what?"
>"we need to get this guy to die."
>"i dont know how. i already tried jumping up and down on him and screaming and
stabbing him."
>"i have an idea."
>"what?"
>"we need to spear him."
>"how?"
>"i dont know. we just have to stab him a bunch, and jump up and down on him
and scream and wait for him to die."
>"okay."
>Pickle Homer spears him a bunch
>he screams
>Pickle Homer jumps up and down on him
>he screams
>"i dont think he's gonna die."
>"i'll try jumping up and down on him."
>"how?"
>"i dont know. we just have to jump up and down on him."
>"okay, i'll try."
>I jump up and down on him
>he screams
>"this isnt working."
>"we'll just stab him a bunch more."
>"okay."
>I spear him a bunch
>he still doesn't die
>"we need to change tactics." i say
>"what?"
>"we need to try something different."
>"what?"
>"we need to get him off this hill."
>"how?"
>"i dont know. can we lift him up? or carry him?"
>"i dont know."
>we cut the guy who won't die down and carry him down the hill into the city
>down in the fucking city
>we see a cop
>Pickle Homer waves at him
>cop waves back
>we take the guy who won't die to our apartment
>i lay him out on my bed
>we ask him why he won't die
>"why won't i die?" he says
>"yes, why won't you die?"
>"because i have used my last breath. i have nothing left. i cannot scream."
>"is this a riddle?" i ask.
>"yes. i cannot scream. i have nothing left."
>i hate riddles
>"look, guy who won't die," i say, 'we need you to die. how can we help you to die?"
>"i dont know. i've tried everything."
>"we need you to die. how can we help you to die?"
>"i dont know. i've tried everything. i've tried screaming, jumping up and down,
stabbing myself, stabbing my friends, jumping up and down on myself, jumping up and
down on my friends. i've tried everything. please kill me."
>"have you tried incineration?" i ask.
>"yes. i've tried incineration. i've tried burning myself. i've tried burning
myself and friends. i've tried burning myself and friends on pyres. i've tried
burning myself and friends in pyres. i've tried burning myself and friends in pyres
on pyres. i've tried burning myself and friends in pyres on pyres on pyres."
>"are you related to any known deities?" i ask.
>"yes. i'm a christicorn."
>"what's a christicorn?" i ask.
>"a christicorn is a pig who has the powers and abilities of a christian."
>"what are the powers and abilities of a christian." i ask.
>"well, they're supposed to be able to resurrect people from the dead."
>"how can they do this?"
>"well that depends on what spell tome they're reading. but let's just say they have the
power to do it."
>"can they resurrect you?"
>"yes. they can resurrect me. but they wont. they wont because they dont love me
like i deserve."
>"okay."
>"they dont love me like i deserve."
>"i get it."
>"they dont love me like i deserve."
>"right."
>"they dont love me like i deserve."
>"understood."
>"they dont love me like i deserve."
>"so how would one go about killing a christicorn and making sure he doesn't get resurrected?" i ask.
>"i dont know. i wish i hadn't asked."
>"okay, look, here's what we're going to do." i say.
>"okay."
>"we're going to burn your body in a fire."
>"okay."
>"we're going to burn your body in a fire until it's ashes."
>"okay."
>we take the guy who won't die to the crematorium
>we ask if we can burn this guy alive in their oven
>they say sure
>we take the guy who won't die to the oven
>we set him on fire
>he screams
>after fifteen minutes i check in on him
>"are you dead?" I ask.
>"yes," he says, "i am dead."
>"okay, good."
>"i am dead."
>"okay."
>"i am dead."
>"i'll see you tomorrow."
>"great."
>"i am dead."
>"okay"
>call my boss
>ask him if i can have my job back
>tell him the guy says that he's dead.
>boss says okay
>"okay, well, thanks."
>"yes, thank you."
>"okay."
>"okay. goodbye."
>Pickle Homer and i go to the bar
>i order three bottles of rum
>Pickle Homer orders us a pitcher of rum
>we drink the rum
>we go home
>we drink the rum
>we wake up
>Pickle Homer spears me
>Pickle Homer spears me a bunch
>i scream
>i die
>Pickle Homer drinks the rum
>Pickle Homer spears me a bunch
>i scream
>i die