Thread 29: Stories 61-75

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>Jetset
“Intercom”
~~~~~

He stood before one of the more adventurous rides of Partyland, the Pendulum, which coined its name mostly because it swung back and forth, arching high into the air on both ends before swooping down at breakneck speeds.

As other ponies maneuvered around him, pointed excitedly and chattering, Jetset only stared as though the ride had done him a personal wrong. After all, he could be with Celestia right now, upholding his sworn duty to stay by her side and ensuring nothing disturbed her on this well-earned vacation.

But no. He had promised her he would… ‘enjoy’ himself too, which amounted to riding one ride. Just one.

>I hate this. I really do. I hate this theme park, I hate this ride, and I hate my life. Where’s my Queen? I don’t know. If somepony asked me right now where the ruler of Equestria was, I wouldn’t be able to give a precise answer because I do not know. I hate that. I hate not knowing what my Queen is doing.

Being in the dark concerning one of the two ponies he cared for was an almost physically painful sensation, one that got him moving towards the ride at a reluctant stride.

>The faster I do this, the faster I can report back. I wonder if she’ll smile? I’d like that, I like when she smiles. She really ought to do that mo-… Unbelievable.

The line, as he found out, was extremely long. Too long to wait.

>Excuse me, I have urgent business with this ride. Allow me to pass by and-

…

>Is that really the language you should use in front of the little ones, sir? I just-

…

>I'm a mother-what now? Why would I want to have sex with mothers? Mothers do not interest me. Look, all I’m trying to to do is-

…

>That’s the ninth swear, sir. I’m going to ask you once more: Watch. Your. Mouth.

…

*BZZZT!*

The overhead park intercom buzzed to life in the same breath used to utter the tenth swear and a sugary sweet voice echoed across the grounds.

“Attention guest 3,412,934! It’s been really, really, really swell having you at the grand opening of Partyland!… but we are a family friendly establishment with a strict ‘no-no’ attitude towards cursing, and I’m sorry to say you’ve crossed the limit. Please locate the nearest elevator down to Equestria in a timely fashion, you’re done partying for today. But please join us tomorrow! With a cleaner mouth.”

…

Jetset cringed at the string of unintelligible curses that flowed from the stallions mouth as a response.

“Oooooookay! I didn’t wanna have to use this, mostly because it’s untested, but hey, why not? Jet? If you could take aboooout three steps back.”

And Jet did, more unconsciously than anything as he tried to figure out not only what was about to happen, but how that hyperactive pink mare knew his name. Or knew him period.

He was so caught up in thought that he almost missed it when the tile that stallion stood over was suddenly jettisoned into the air, attached to a rather large spring. The yells of terror left in the soaring stallions wake caused many in the park to look up, some in confusion, some pointing.

“Nowsies, let that be a warning to all you potty-mouths out there! You curse and you get bounced! Enjoy your stay at Partyland! Oh, and Jet gets front-of-the-line privilege!”

After that the intercom died with a crackle. Jetset only pushed up his shades and approached the next pony in line.

>Pardon me, but I must ride the Pendulum. It’s urgent Equestrian business.

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>2
"Fluttershy"
~~~~

>NUH UH!

"Oh, It's true! I promise!"

>NUUUUH UHHHH!

"Oh, please believe me."

>DISCORD CAN MAKE MARCHMALLEY SNOWMEN!?

"He can!"

>I WANNA MARCHMALLEY SNOWMAN!

"You really don't, you'll form an emotional attachment to it, likely go on an adventure or two, and then it'll be all the harder when he melts in the sun."

>....Nah, I'd just eat 'em!

"Really?"

>Yuh huh!

"Oh... okay, um, I'll see what I can do."

>YAAAAAAYYYYYY!

"...Should I be worried?"

>YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

"...It's probably okay."

>YYYYYYYYYYYY
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Non-canon
>Trixie
"???"
~~~~

>Alright! Trixie is trying this again! YOU! YOU MARE!

"...Me?"

>Come up here, and Trixie will show her prowess! Any talent you hold in your meager, pathetic life, Trixie will defeat!

"Any talent."

>ANY! TALENT! And Trixie will shame you with her unbridled might of-

*FWOOOSH!*

>...

"...Go on. Grow taller than me. Would love to see that one."

>...THIS IS SOME GREAT AND POWERFUL BULLSHIT!
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NC
>Trixie
"???"
~~~~

>AH HAH! THIS TIME I WILL SURELY WIN!

"Huh?"

>Anything you can do, Trixie can do better!

"Really!? AWESOME! Hey, moons, check this out!"

>...Is that a grenade-

*BOOOOOOM!*

>...

"Your turn! Got two grenades right here."

>...This shit is gonna make Trixie go racist, I swear.
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NC
>Trixie
"???"
'???'

>Okay, sucker! Show Trixie what YOU can do!

"Me, ponyfriend?"

>Yes, anything you can do, Trixie can do better!

"Hmm...Oh! Watch this! Helmet off!"

*FWOOOSH!*

"EEEEEEEEEK!"

'SISTER NOOOOOO!'

>...Trixie's just gonna...go now...

'WHYYYYYYYYY!?'
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>32
"Reggie"
'Q'
-Thorax-
~Flim~
#Flam#
@Spike@
&42&
^PJ^
+DT+
%77%
:Twilight:

"OW!"

'Ow what?'

"You didn't see that?"

>See what?

"The black bars that just fell out of the sky and knocked me on the head!"

-*Chitter*?-

"No I haven't been in the brown cinnamon sugar again! Look they're right there!"

~What the devil is talking about brother?~

#I haven't the faintest idea, must be a bug thing!#

>It's more just a roach thing, I don't see it.

-*chitter*-

'Or...a Reggie thing.'

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 Mk2 rockets across the green hills of Equestria, its occupants riding along as behind them an ever growing storm of guard ponies and changelings are swiftly gaining.

>Weeeeee should do something about that.

"Oh the incoming death cloud? Yeah, that's gonna be an issue."

>Flim? Flam? You guys think this thing can outrun them?

~The Super Speedy Cider Squeeze 6000 Mk2-~

"Do you seriously need to say all of it?"

~-was designed for extra emphasis on the Speedy, however, we're not sure we can outrun a concerted effort by the military might of two species!~

#But never fret, friends! The-#

"ABBREVIATE!"

#SSCS6kMk2?#

"Better."

#-is equipped with countermeasures for alllll possible pursuers!#

~Indeed, quickly Flam, get us to an Apple Orchard!~

#At once!#

The SSCS6kMk2 jerks to the side as it turns, nearly toppling over as it corrects its course. Thorax, 32, Reggie and Q (in that order) are nearly thrown from the machine, clinging to one another and a railing like a living chain.

>"'AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!'"

-*CHITTER*!-

~I say, brother, I believe we may have bucked our fellows!~

#Never fear, brother! We're prepared for such a thing!#

Flam presses a button, summoning up a large suction device from within the SSCS6kMk2 that vacuums up the hangers on, spitting them out back onto the roof in a heap.

"Let'sh go again! Let'sh go again!"

>Ungh...

'I think a part of me is cracked...'

-*chitter*-

32 The Escapee groans and crawls to where Flim and Flam are driving.

>Friends, really can't thank you enough for helping us, but how is an Apple Orchard going to help us with our-

He looks back, yep, they're getting closer.

>-rapidly approaching pursuers?

#Fret not fret not! This orchard is exactly what we need!#

~Trust us, the SSCS6kMk2-this was not an improvement over the regular name!- is far more advanced than its predecessor! We were able to create it wholecloth from some scrap metal-~

#-baling wire-#

~-and the first Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 which we stole from the Canterlot impound!~

>What kind of improvements?

The SSCS6kMk2 smashes through a fence and makes its way through the rows of apple trees of Sweet Apple Acres, the suction device beginning its true function of sucking up fruit along the way.

~You see my friend, our dear machine, as the name implies, streamlines the cider making process into a singular no mess process!~

To illustrate Flim's point, a tray of fresh cider mugs rise from the floor between Q and Reggie, the latter of which grabbing four up and gulping them down swiftly.

"Mmm!"

'...'

-*chitter*!-

'Eh, I can't drink anything anyway.'

#But you see, we just couldn't find a use for all those rotten pieces of produce!#

~Until now!~

'Hey, 32, they're almost here, we gonna do a thing orrrr...?'

>Guys, if there is a thing for us to do, we should probably do the thing!

~INITIALIZE THE THING, FLAM!~

#ROGER!#

Flam slams his hoof down on another button, causing the drink tray to disappear into the depths of the SSCS6kMk2.

"Awww!"

And is replaced by a massive gun emplacement.

~BEHOLD! FLIM AND FLAM'S FRUITACLIOUS FLAK CANNON!~

#TRADEMARK!#

"Oh HELLLLL yeah!"

'Dibs!'

"AW!"

32 the Escapee grins and jumps over to the Cannon. Observing the oncoming horde of foes swiftly approaching.

>On my signal, unleash hell! Overripe, Worm Infested Hell!

'Aye, cap'n!'

>NOW!

With a speed far beyond what the naked eye can comprehend, the cannon begins firing high-velocity hollow point produce at the arrayed pegasi and changeling, impacting them in great swathes that send them spiraling away and into each other, decimating them a matter of moments as the chaotic swarm tries to avoid their destruction.

'And you're my bitch and you're my bitch and you're my bitch and yoooou're-stop serpentining! HAHA!-my bitch.'

Soon, all too soon, the skies are bare but for the clouds and the few survivors hiding behind said cloud.

>Excellent work, Q.

'Oh please, any mere novice marksmare could have taken care of them. Remember this is your dream, people are as you perceive them.'

>So it's a good thing I perceived all those two groups as incompetent morons?

'Precisely.'

"Uh, guys?"

>Yes?

"Remember those bars?"

>Yes, the ones only you can see.

"Well I just looked inside them...aaaaand..."

>Aaaaand?

"...I'm waiting for them to show up."

>Who?

Suddenly as one six figures erupt from the trees around them, one flying on the great wings of an Alicorn, the others flying on hoverbikes.

@&^+%:HALT FUGITIVE!:%+^&@

>Oh. Balls.

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>18
"42"
'Cadence'
~~~~

>Shiny.

"Stop it."

>Cadence.

"Stop it."

>Shiiiiny in a hot tub.

"STOP IT!"

>Cadence on the stripper pole-

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

>Testing something.

"What could you possibly be testing by doing that!?"

>Nothing.

"It is clearly not nothing!"

>Is that poster you have in your room of Shiny in his guard uniform nothing?

"THAT IS NOTHING! THAT IS MERELY ME BEING PROUD OF MY HARD WORK GETTING HIM FIT, THANK YOU!"

>...Actually? You might be right.

"R-really!?"

>Yeah. I might have actually misunderstood your freakouts this whole time.

"Well... good! Glad you finally see the truth!"

>Guess so.

'You guys ready to go yet!? Come on, the visualgram experience it starting, it's supposed to be outrageous! Truly, truly outrageous!'

"Ugh, not another... come on."

>Right behind you....... damn, I was sure she was crushing on Shiny too. But maybe her Sparklejoules just jump like that naturally? Has to be, no way can it spark so similarly for two separate subjects... damn it! Why does the ONE pony on this planet who is smarter than me in this subject have to be Cadence!?
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>SA
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
[IR]
{CQ}
~~~~
"NO WAY!"

{Our sacred rock destroying technique has been passed down for generations.}

[Turns out, it even translates to cutie marks.]

{Mine used to be a solid rock.}

[But one wild night, we-]

>NOPE! CELESTIA! RIDE! NOW!

"Whoa! Hey!"

>We are going on this ride right now and that is the end of it!

"We can't just cut in line-"

>FIFTY BITS TO ALL OF YOU IF I CAN GET TO THE FRONT!

~Sold!~

>Thank you, and I will see you three at the end!

'Have fun!... Now, continue.'

[As I was saying, one night she tells me to stop holding back, so I-]

>START THE DAMN RIDE!

Wasting no time, he jumped into the boat in the middle of an artificial river, carrying Celestia with him via magic, and with a flick of the switch he was sent down into a long tunnel.

Hopefully a long... long... looong tunnel.

>...What ride is this?

"Tunnel of wonders."

>Long?

"Fourth longest in the park."

>...Good... gooood...

"They're nice once you get to know them."

>I have had dinner with them. You, my lady, are a liar.

"You are such a drama queen... though, they do seem to like you better than Cheese Sandwich."

>They've mentioned.

"Really?"

>Pinkie's sister pointed it out. Multiple times.

"Ah."

>Ah?

"You're doomed."

>How doomed?

"Doomed.

>...Should I just end it now?

"Say the word, and I will make full use of this ride's darkness right now and send you out with a smile."

>Awww, you'd do that for me?

"Shiny, as your friend I could do nothing else but make your departure from this world as amazing as possible. Give the go ahead and my plot is in the air."

>Dawwww, thanks Sunhorse. Glad to know I have someone there for me.

"Anytime, bubblehorse."

>Hug?

"Hug me."

And hug they did.

"...But you should still probably drown yourself or something."

'HAH! NO FUCKING WAAAAAY!'

>... Think my wife would understand?

'RIGHT IN THERE!? NO FUCKING WAAAAAY!'

"Without a doubt."
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'OH SO HE /WOULD/ LIKE SOME BUTT FUN PLAY?! I NEVER KNEW!'

>Celly?

"I'm ready"

>Don't stress yourself, just hold me down

"Oh, well okay then"

>Thanks

"You were a good soldier"

>Indeed, make it quick, don't want to strain myself with the breath holding gig-HAGUBLGUBLAGGBL

"Just leeeeeeeet it go, bubblehorse"

>GAGLK...LUBLBBBUBL....blk....glgul

"Keep at it, it won't hurt for long"

>...glg..glbuglBLBUBUUUUUHLK-

'OHHHH, SO THE DOUBLE-ENDER WOULD WORK?! NEAT

>.BLHHUK...GHUUHGH....UGGHLB....

"Just one more airpocket and you'll be gone, don't be scared, I'm here"

>glguuubbubub.....blub...cahhdnaghlulg....ghuuuuulb......

"Did you say "Cadance" down there? Oh you romantic stallion; 'Death do us part' etc etc, very proud of you"

>....buhg...uhgfds...

"You done?"

>....

"Twitch if you can feel my hoof"

>...blipblipblp.....

"Heh...geddit....'bubblehorse'?.....Oh, you're dead."

[She hauls him out from the river back into the boat, some magic from her horn briefly inspects him]

"Hmm, just unconscious, not dead, quite close actually but pretty convincing. We can make this work out, bubblehorse, you'd make a great partner in crime"

>...

'HEY SHINY! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT PUGGING?-wha?.....I MEAN PEGGING! WE KNOW YOU'RE DOWN THERE!'

"You're gonna be A-Okay, Shiny"

>...

"If anything I should've held myself down with you, given you some company, wouldn't have bothered me one bit; alicorn lung capacity is quite something. Oh well, until next time"

>...

"Ooooh, I can give you some magical CPR by myself now, just need to teleport somewhere quiet and get you up and ready to go. That'll be fun, won't it?"

>...

"Oh yeah, the drowned bit, can't answer"

'OH DAMN GURL, DON'T SPARE ME THE DETAILS. HE HAD /HOW/ MANY IN HIS ASS?'

>...
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>Pinkie
"Twilight"
'Dash'
[Fluttershy]
{2}
~~~~~

>OH OH! This one is called a marchmalley bouncer!

{GAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSPPPPPPP!}

>Sorry! Not made with real marchmalleys.

{NOOOOOOO! BETRAYAL! I'MMA TELL SHINY ON YOU!}

"She will."

'And what's he going to do?'

{Put ya' in a bubble and then throw ya'.}

>...Would he really?

"Probably not."

{You don't know! Just cause yer' right doesn't mean ya' know! Ya' might be wrong, even though ya' aren't!}

[...I want to adopt one.]

"She has that effect on ponies."

'You saying you'd adopt her?'

"In a heartbeat."

{AWESOME! Then Cadence would be mommy, Twilight would be other mommy and Shiny would be daddy!}

'PPFFFFTT....'

"No no, two she meant if Shiny didn't adopt you."

{Oh... I like Shiny being daddy better.}

"I understand, and do not hold it against you... Dash, Pinkie, seriously, it wasn't that funny!"

'...'

>...

>'...PFFFTTAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHH!'

'O-oh, come on Twiiii! Don't you think you'd look good in a wedding dress?'

>Shiny's still got his tuxedo!

'And Cadence likes you better than she does Chrysalis, that's for sure!'

"She's in Kindergarten! She doesn't know what it means!"

>AHAHAHAHAHAHH!

'I CAN'T STOOOOOOOPAAHAHAHAH!'

[...I don't get it.]

{Me either, but Not-Mom says just ta' nod yer' head when they do that.}

[Oh... okay.]

{...Is yer' hair movin'?}

[...No.]

{Okay, just checkin'!}

>'PFTHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH'

"I WILL END YOU!"
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>Applejack
"Rarity"
~~~~~

>...Er....

"Oh, uh... did... did you want to go on this one?"

>Well, Ah' mean, it does say pegasi only.

"Well, we do have wings darling."

>Right, but Ah' use these things about as much as Ah' use the hotsauce under mah' desk, and Ah' hate that hotsauce.

"Then why keep it under your desk?"

>Ah' don't even know! Why'd Ah' need wings ta' tell these idiots that their kingdom is fallin' down round their ears? Ya' think it'd be obvious!

"Well... I mean, we could try. You do know the basics, right?"

>Yeah, Ah' do. Celly at least made sure Ah' knew that'un.

"She didn't to me."

>...Probably no real reason, nothin' ta' do with regrets, Ah'm sure.

"Why would you bring that up, then-"

>Ya' know what? Let's go fer' it! No time like the present! Let's get up in there and just... let's just try ta' fly!

"Well, I suppose it can't hurt-"

~~~~~

*WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!*

"WHYYYYYYYYY!?"

>FREAKIN' TARGETS! GET OUTTA MAH' WAY!

"Applejack no! You can't knock the red ones over-"

*WHAM!*

"Oooooo, you okay?"

>Mrphmsum.

"Yes, Darling, I can see that."

>Puffmeoh.

"Don't worry, I'll have you pulled out in a moment! Thank goodness there's so much back here to grab onto, wouldn't you say?'

>MFMU!

"Oh darling, don't talk dirty unless I can see that sultry look!"

>MUHFGUHMUHOOHAHEER!

"One, two, three-"

*DING!*

"...Oh uh."

>UHMH!?

"That sound means... um... round 2. With... with the rubber balls."

>...Mmmeeeee...

"Yes, this will hurt."

*CHICKCHICHICK!*

"Just a touch."

>...

"At least it's going to be hitting something with a lot of padding!"

>MFH! MUUUUUU!

"Are you talking to me, or the ball?"

*VRRRRRRR!*

"Because there's a very real chance with the ball."

>....dughif.

*DAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKADAKKA!*
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NC
>Trixie
"???"
'???'
~~~

>Okay, Trixie TOTALLY has this one!

"...You can't be serious."

>No no, go right ahead! Trixie's Powerfully Great magic shall defeat you!

"You do know who I am, right?"

>...Should Trixie?

'Hey! Celestia! You coming?'

"One second, Shiny, I need to teach someone a lesson..."

>...Is the sun moving-OH SHIT
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NC
>Trixie
"???"
~~~

>A hah! And what do you do!?

"I like rocks."

>...Can you do anything interesting with them?

"Nothing impressive, only this."

*PUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCHPUNCH*

>...

"Can you do that?"

>Did everyone go swimming in fucking radioactive material when I wasn't looking or something!?

"No."

>It was rhetorical!

"I know."

>...Fuck you.

"No."

>ARRRRGGHHHH!
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NON-CANON!
>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
~~~~

>...I ran out of orphans!? How... how do you do that!?

"Well, logically there was just a finite amount."

>So... what now?

"..."

'...'

[...I have an idea that will make your head swell, why not say fuck it and charge into hell?]

>...Meh, I have nothing better to do. You girls in?

"HELL YEAH!"

[Time to find those who need eternal bliss, my friend lets load up and do this!]

'You're all insane!'

>"[...]"

'...We need to go get some anti-demon guns first!'

>["HELL YEAH!"]

And then they went into hell.
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~~~~~

Sometimes, 18 wondered what it was like not to be able to see love.

As an infiltrator, she did it purely naturally at this point. Biologically designed to see potential in her targets so as to weed out the broken hearted and the cruel. It was an effective, if a bit daunting, ability.

Oh, sure. Contrary to what some believed, her sight was by no stretch exact in any nature. She could see that Shiny had a vast store in his heart, but there was no way to determine how much exactly, or the quality of it, without a taste. Even Chrysalis could not manage something like that, and her infiltrator capabilities far outmatched her own. Even her Queen had been shocked at just how powerful Shiny's love really was, and she had tasted that right from the tap.

She was much the same way. She could see Cadence's stores were stunning, higher than any target she had ever seen, but how much was still up in the air. Princess of love indeed.

But such a sight was not with out it's downfalls. Sometimes, she did it without knowing, instinctive, reflexive. She knew it was an invasion of privacy, and she certainly felt bad about doing it to her friend, but...

>Shiny.

There it went.

>Cadence.

Again.

She could see love as easily as color. Taste it like she would a fine wine. Sense it just by sheer force of will.

>Shiny.

But she did not understand it.

>Cadence

Not at all.

And that was the scariest part.
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